Jack stood at the doorway, groceries in hand. He barely knocked once before Michelle opened the door, gratitude evident on her face. They'd been in their new place for nearly two months now, still waiting for some kind of update that things were settling, that Alan Wilson's people were being found. There wasn't much of a change, they were still sifting through the mountains of evidence from over the years, but there hadn't been any activity of concern.
"Hey…" She said quietly, quickly ushering Jack in. It was late. Tony was already asleep by the looks of it. Together, they put the food away, and Jack informed her that the FBI's investigation was proceeding well. It didn't take long for him to notice how exhausted she looked. There were staples in their cupboard, but Jack knew that Michelle had spent all her time and energy making sure Tony was okay and very little on herself. He told her to sit down, made her a cup of tea and a sandwich, and then joined her. She hardly took a bite before swiftly getting up and walking around the house almost robotically, checking doors and windows, checking that he was still asleep.
Gently, he guided her back to the table, making sure she finished the food or at least ate most of it.
"How is he?"
Michelle bit her lip before slumping her shoulders and looking to their room. "Scared." She sighed. "Terrified. Tony…Tony still wakes up screaming in the middle of the night. He's paranoid about everything. A-And I can't blame him. I am too. I just try not to show it in front of him because if he realises I'm just as worried, it'll destroy him."
His face softened.
"T-They broke him, Jack." She took in a shuddering breath. "I...I thought being home would be good for him. But he doesn't seem to be doing any better. I-I've never seen him so afraid before. He's on his feet. He's okay in that sense, but…" She sniffled. "It's like he's not even himself. I…I just don't know what to do anymore. He's shutting me out. I feel so useless, like no matter what I do or say, I'm making things worse." Michelle put a hand over her mouth to stifle the sob that escaped her. Her body was shaking as though she'd been keeping it all in, so desperate to talk to somebody about it or even just to say it aloud, but unable to because she didn't want him to know how she felt.
"Oh, Michelle…" He passed her the box of tissues nearby, grabbing one of her hands on the table.
"A-And he still doesn't really know why we're here. He knows it's for his protection, but he doesn't know anything about me." Her voice cracked and tears started to stream down her face. "He doesn't know what I've done. He doesn't have a clue. And I don't know how I'm going to tell him."
Jack sighed. The fierce defiance she'd had when he'd first reunited with her had dissipated completely. It wasn't that Michelle regretted what she had done. She wasn't the kind of person to go back on her principles and ignore that it had been for the greater good. But Tony's judgement and opinion of her behaviour was something she'd never had to face until now, something she'd never thought she'd have to face.
"You'll know when the right time is to tell him."
She shrugged. "The longer I keep it, the worse it'll be. The last thing I want to do is to give Tony a reason not to trust me. He's already so insecure about everything else."'
It was one of those nights where both of them were lying wide awake, simply listening to the sounds of their breathing. Despite how much they'd been told they were safe here, they were both still far too wired with apprehension and distrust to truly let themselves relax.
"I'm sorry." He blurted.
Michelle sat up on one elbow to look at him, furrowing her brow. "Sorry? For what?"
When he turned to face her, she saw his desolate expression. "The…the day I went to prison, I was so bad to you." He took in a shuddering breath, his voice shaking. "I had kept the Salazar op from you. I-I kept biting your head off even though you were trying to help, then you went to the hotel, and then…everything happened, and I never-"
It bewildered her that he still thought about that day in so much detail. She could barely remember the tension from that day simply because it'd been replaced with a much stronger association of fear. So to think that he still held the memory so strongly made her wonder what else he was agonising over deep down.
"Sweetheart, don't. It's okay." She caressed his cheek with her hand, shaking her head. "It doesn't matter."
"It does matter." He implored. "I…I remember promising myself that when you got the chance to visit me in prison, I would apologise to you. A-And I never let go of that."
She pulled him closer, hating that he'd carried guilt over that day for so long, almost in disbelief that he still chose to focus on that now when far worse things had happened to him since.
"I-I thought I deserved everything that happened to me after that."
Michelle hushed him. "You didn't deserve any of it. You're a good person with a good heart, Tony. All that matters is that you're here." She said, kissing his forehead. "Okay?"
Jack didn't know what to say to that, simply because he didn't know how Tony would feel. Maybe Jack knew the old Tony, but not this one. Not the Tony who'd been beaten and tortured relentlessly for eight years and reduced to a shell of his former self. His attitude towards violence may have changed completely. Did he wish revenge or equal treatment on the people who'd done this to him? Or had it changed him to be kinder, softer, to not want that kind of pain on anyone? It wasn't exactly a casual conversation topic. Even in the hospital, it had been hard for Tony to speak. The FBI had had to debrief him in several instalments, either because he was too exhausted to talk for long periods or because he didn't remember, couldn't remember without trembling and shutting down.
Michelle stood and walked over to his room once again. Her face screwed up in pain.
"He's going to hate me…" She whispered gravely. "He's going to think I'm no better than them. He's going to hate me…"
Jack turned her to face him, letting her cries be muffled by his shoulder. He hushed her slowly, moving her back to the couch so they wouldn't wake him.
"He'll never want to look me in the eye again. H-He's going to leave me." She said fearfully. "A-And I'll lose him forever because I'll have to go to prison."
"Maybe you don't know how exactly he'll react, but what I know is that Tony could never hate you. You've been apart for eight years, Michelle. You're both grieving, you're both in pain, you're both just trying to make sense of the world." Jack let out a breath. "He might not get it at first. Maybe he'll be upset, maybe he'll be confused. But the fact that he loves you means he's going to try and understand. He's going to try and see things from your point of view. You're one of the only people he trusts right now, and regardless of what he finds out, I don't think he can afford to push you away. Because the fact is he needs you, and he knows that."
"I hope you're right…"
They sat there in silence for a while, listening to the sounds of their breathing, just trying to find some peace, but it wasn't long before she pulled away from his grip, doing her routine check again. Jack grabbed her arm as she stood up, stilling it. She furrowed her brow when she looked back at him.
"You need to sleep. You can't expect to keep having the energy to care for him without taking care of yourself too. Let me spend a few nights. I'll keep watch. You just stay with him."
Michelle wobbled a little on her feet and ran a tired hand over her face before conceding and thanking him. She told him a few things like where the other FBI agents usually checked, what the alarm codes were, where some spare rounds and guns were kept, should he need them. But, to Jack's relief, she was okay to let him protect them. The incident at the hospital came to mind. It had shaken her to her very core and amplified the existing desire to protect Tony tenfold. Jack took some of the blame for that, so to be here for them now meant everything to him.
He watched her settle into bed next to him. Tony shuffled over, mumbling something quiet, but she was quick to tell him to go back to sleep. Jack felt a clutch in his chest as Tony moved to be enveloped by Michelle's arms, both of their eyes shutting within seconds.
Over the rest of the night and well into the morning, he kept watch, not letting anything distract him, knowing that two people he cared about dearly were relying on him to do this.
And for the first time in eight years, Jack felt the guilt he had held over Tony's imprisonment and everything that had come as a result ease in his chest.
