Chapter 15: What One Cannot Do
Life in the clan was starting to fall into routine. Either Darkstripe or Tigerclaw would take me out training in the mornings with their respective apprentices. I'd never tell it to Tigerclaw's face, but Darkstripe was the better teacher. After some battle training or hunting, we'd be sent back to camp but told to hunt on the way. Ravenpaw and Dustpaw outclassed me in hunting ability, but they both were encouraging form me to do better. What I felt for them was odd. It wasn't the same as I felt for Firepaw, but it was touching the edge. Why must these newfangled feelings give me so many difficulties.
Then towards evening, we'd either be given additional training, aid the elders or nursing queens, or be sent out by the medicine cat. I didn't mind the dirty work of caring for the elders and queens. When you're sure you've lived a life with blood staining your hands, paws, a little grime seems inconsequential in comparison. Apparently, I was the only apprentice that didn't mind seeing as every other apprentice actively complained about the duty or would try to pawn it off on me. I didn't mind much. If it got me out of being near Spottedleaf, it was worth it. That choking mint smell seemed fused into her person, and I always felt a headache pounding in my head when near her. As much as I can appreciate the usefulness of herbs and wish to know how to use them, I couldn't stand Spottedleaf's scent. That cursed mint!
Finally, when the day turns to dusk, I make my way out to the training clearing for bonus training with Tigerclaw. These were my favorite moments of the day because I got to talk more freely than I would with any other cat. Firepaw would never understand the urges cats like us get. He'd never understand what we feel, or rather what we can't. Tigerclaw also seemed to value these moments. Sometimes after training where I gave him input on how to train Ravenpaw, we'd just sit and chat about ourselves, that hidden part we let guide us and carve our ambitions. I'd never see Tigerclaw as a cat I could trust, but we had something in common. We both saw cats differently and were both willing to use each other to benefit our own ends. In a sense, we were business partners.
It was during a cool evening with the stars above us that we began a conversation on philosophy.
"You know Tigerclaw, I still don't know what you want to achieve after you become leader." I stated while laying on the ground gazing at the stars.
"What do you mean?" Asked Tigerclaw plainly.
"I mean, once you've gotten to your goal, what is next? What kind of leader do you want to be? Is it about legacy? Is it about power? Do you want to be a hero or a conqueror? Who do you plan to trust? What do you want to rule through?"
Tigerclaw paused to actually consider my question. It seemed he was ruminating on why he wanted to be leader and what he expected of it. Finally, after a tense silence, Tigerclaw deemed it right to give me an answer.
"You've given me something to think on. I'm not sure you've heard it from the elders yet, but I am the offspring of our past leader who turned out to be a traitor. He abandoned the clan to live as a kittypet which denied Sunstar his nine lives. I never really cared about him, but cats keep comparing us. Pinestar was a leader, but he was also a traitor. I'm a strong warrior, but I'm not the leader."
Silence filled the air as I processed Tigerclaw's history. Then I mustered up a response. "This is about winning, isn't it? You're a winner. That's why you want to be leader."
Tigerclaw scoffed before responding, "you make me sound like a kit when you say it like that."
"But I'm not wrong. The only thing that has changed for you is that I'm here to teach you new ways to win the game. You've already proven you are the strongest and have always played it that way. Now, you've got new tools to give you the edge. Sometimes you can win before a battle has even begun. Sometimes words can carve out victory better than claws can. You excel in the game when it comes to conflict, but I excel with words. I've had cats grovel at my paws, cats willing to kill for me, and cats willing to commit horrifying acts just because I knew something they didn't want getting out. Then I pretended to be kind. They joined me because of fear, but they followed me because they believed me to be kind. Then any action of wrath was deemed special because I limited it to only those who messed with what I cared for. As long as you continue to protect what is mine, I'll help you win."
After a moment, Tigerclaw posed his own question.
"What is it you see in Firepaw? He's not like us. He'll never understand us. He tends to act without any sense of logic, and for some reason, cats respect him for it. Why?"
"Firepaw is everything I cannot be. That Is why I value him. Where I am wary, he is brave. Where I am logical, he is empathetic. There are things logic cannot solve. When logic fails, this trait of empathy that we are unable to manifest always seems to answer. Alliances can be made, not through deals or a common enemy, but through a word that just does not click with us. Somehow cats like Firepaw can foster a friendship strong enough to defy any logic we can throw at it. He is my equal and opposite. You should find yourself one, because when you become leader, you'll need the council of cats like him."
A bitter sneer crossed Tigerclaw's face at the implication that he couldn't do something, that he needed help.
"Bah! I don't need some emotional cat to hold me back. I'm strong and wise, things Lionheart is lacking in."
"But he is the one who became deputy. This is because cats like him, not because he'd fill the role better or be a good leader. He has charisma and a high report within the clan. Meanwhile every cat in the clan sees you as the strongest and nothing else. My philosophy is that if there is ever a thing you cannot do, you can always find a cat able to do it for you. They just need the right motivation."
"Then who would you suggest for me. I've known these cats my whole life. I'm not going to suddenly act different."
I actually paused to consider before a certain queen came to mind.
"Goldenflower. I've seen how you look at her as the potential of bearing your kits, but she can be more useful. She's got the most connections in the clan with charisma to match. Given that she's a successful mother that other cats trust wholeheartedly with their kits, we can say she fills the role of being empathetic, but she's also logical enough to wield the power she has. You can see by how often cats come to her for advice or just to be in her presence. She fills the gap your current reputation holds. Your other option is Firepaw, but he's mine, so I won't allow it."
That night seemed to have brought about a change in Tigerclaw, more specifically, his interest in Goldenflower was doubled.
