Hi, everyone! So, I've kind of been working on this little fic for the past three months. It took forever amidst schoolwork, and it didn't quite turn out the way I originally planned, but I'm very happy with how it's turned out, nonetheless. I love Kogan (both the friendship and the pairing), and realizing there aren't that many new Kogan fics out there, I decided to write my own, and well... this was born.

The title is from Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper.

I hope you all enjoy. :)


March 17, 2008

The day in which Logan's mom passes away is one that leaves him broken, in more ways than one. He thought that he would be more prepared for the day it came to say goodbye. He knew it would come eventually, and that it would come sooner, rather than later. After all, his mom had been sick for over two years, and although the doctors had been optimistic at first, her health eventually started to decline, and with it, the chances of her getting any better became slimmer and slimmer.

And, perhaps Logan wasn't a doctor—at least, not yet. He was only fourteen, after all. But, he did want to be a doctor in the future. He wanted to go to college and study medicine. He knew more than the average fourteen-year-old about certain kinds of illnesses. He knew when his mom's chances of living were pretty much non-existent, and although all the knowledge he had acquired at such a young age could be seen as a blessing, it was also a curse. A curse that he had no choice but to bear, no matter how painful it might have been.

So his mom dying when she does is not surprising. He had been anticipating it for quite a while now, but in the end, knowing that something is coming does not always make it less painful. It does not always prepare you. It can still hurt just as badly as if you didn't know it was coming at all.

He's at school when it happens, which somehow makes the whole situation worse. He doesn't get to actually say goodbye to her. By the time his dad arrives—a solemn expression on his face and dry tear tracks staining his cheeks—his mom has been dead for over an hour. One look at his father, and he knows she's already gone.

He walks out of the principal's office on wobbly legs, allows his father to guide him toward their black SUV, and does everything he can to not burst into tears right then and there. He curls his hands into fists, digging his nails into his skin, and clenches his jaw tightly.

He does not want to cry in front of his dad. He does not want to be yelled at for it.

Everything from that day is a blur—a blur that he is unable to make sense of, no matter how hard he tries. Somehow, he manages to keep himself together, though, until nighttime falls and he's in his room by himself, unable to stop the flurry of thoughts swarming around in his head.

The sobs rack his body harshly, leaving him out of breath, making him feel like he's going to suffocate and die, too.

A part of him wishes he would. A part of him does not want to live if his mom is not there with him. He doesn't see the point in it. He doesn't see the point in anything anymore.

The tapping at his window comes around 11:30. He startles, doing his best to calm his breathing, before dragging himself out of bed and toward the window. When he pulls back the curtains, a face greets him on the other side, one that he would recognize anywhere.

"Kendall?" he asks as he pushes open the window and steps aside. As Kendall steps into the room, Logan rubs at his cheeks, hoping to get rid of any stray tears that might still be there. "What are you—?" he starts to say, but before he can even finish his sentence, he finds himself pulled into a hug. The first hug he's gotten since his mom was alive.

All at once, the dam breaks.

He curls his hands around the front of Kendall's jacket and falls to his knees, pulling Kendall along with him. Kendall follows without question, always keeping a tight hold on him.

"Oh, Logie," he whispers, his voice sounding shaky, as if he's on the verge of tears as well. "I'm so sorry."

Logan isn't sure how long they stay like that, holding on to each other while sitting on the floor. But by the time he's able to regain his composure—at least, to the best of his ability—his throat feels raw and his eyes and head hurt. Kendall's jacket is tear-stained and rumpled from where Logan had clung to it, but he doesn't seem to care. All he seems to care about is Logan.

"Can I stay with you?" Kendall whispers, still holding tightly onto Logan.

All Logan can do is nod in response.


December 13, 2008

The bitter and freezing cold is the first thing Logan notices as he struggles to climb over his windowsill—without hitting his head—and on to the tree that is right outside his window. He tries to ignore the way goosebumps run down the length of his arms, even with a sweater and hoodie on, and instead tries to focus all his energy on climbing down the tree without falling and breaking an arm, or worse, cracking his skull open.

By the time his feet land on the ground, his hands are practically frozen from the cold. He's barely able to feel them as he rubs them together on his way to his bike, which is leaning on the wall, a few feet away from the tree. He doesn't look back as he climbs on it and starts to pedal away from his house, with only one destination in mind.

It's only minutes later when he finds himself in front of a white wooden house—a house that has, at this point, become more of a home than his own house.

He lets his bike drop to the ground and walks toward the front door, hesitating for a moment with his hand raised. It's well past ten at night. He doesn't even know if the occupants inside it are awake.

He prays that one of them is, at least.

It is with shaking hands that he pulls his phone out of his pocket and types out a quick text.

"Are you awake?"

A response comes less than half a minute later.

"hey! yeah, I am. what's up?"

Logan bites on the inside of his cheek, almost hard enough to draw blood. His eyes move toward the night sky for a moment as he decides what to type next.

"I'm kind of outside your house…"

He waits for a response, but one never comes. Instead, the front door swings open, and there, wearing grey sweatpants and a navy-colored sweatshirt, is Kendall Knight.

Kendall takes one look at him and wraps his hand around Logan's wrist, not giving him a chance to say anything as he pulls him inside. The house is warm, which is a welcome change from the temperature outside. Kendall presses his index finger to his lips, and then continues to drag him along with him, until they're standing inside his bedroom, the door now closed behind them.

"Are you okay?" is the first thing that comes out of Kendall's mouth. He watches Logan closely, his gaze unwavering as he scans him over. A frown quickly forms on his face.

It makes Logan feel exposed and vulnerable, two things he's not used to feeling around anyone. Anyone apart from Kendall, that is, and on occasion Carlos and James as well.

He opens his mouth with the intention of answering Kendall's question, but instead, what comes out is a choked sob. He watches through blurry eyesight as Kendall takes the couple of steps toward him, closing the space between them. His arms wrap around Logan's shaking form, keeping him in place.

Unsure of what to do, Logan hesitantly wraps his arms around Kendall as well, his fingers digging into the fabric of Kendall's sweatshirt. It's soft to the touch, and grounding, in a way. Or maybe that's just Kendall. Kendall, who's holding him close, his hand rubbing small circles against Logan's back.

"It's okay," Kendall whispers, repeating the same words over and over until Logan's sobs ease a bit. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay. Everything's gonna be okay.

Is it, though? Logan wants to ask, but he doesn't say it out loud. Instead, he lets Kendall guide him toward his bed, with its rumpled bed sheets and comforter that lays askew. Kendall gently pushes him onto it, and Logan allows it to happen. He doesn't protest as Kendall covers him with the comforter, and then climbs in right after him and pulls him against his chest, until there is no space left between the two of them.

"Just breathe with me, okay?" Kendall says, and then breathes in deeply, before exhaling slowly. Logan nods, closes his eyes, and tries to focus on his own breathing. It doesn't go back to normal right away, but he eventually doesn't feel like the world is closing in around him anymore.

"That's it, Logie," Kendall whispers, his hand carding through Logan's hair. "You're okay."

Logan lets out a shuddery breath, before managing to get out an, "I'm sorry."

"No reason to be sorry," Kendall tells him. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Logan finally opens his eyes, and inhales sharply when he finds Kendall's face to only be a couple of inches away from his own. "I—My dad was just being a jerk again. It's nothing new."

Kendall's jaw visibly clenches. "What did he do now?"

"I failed my chemistry test."

This seems to catch Kendall off-guard. "You failed your chemistry test?"

Logan nods. He has never failed anything in his life, and he's known as the genius among their group of friends, so he can understand where the surprise is coming from.

Kendall's eyes soften. "Why?"

"I miss my mom," is all Logan manages, before the tears come spilling out again.

"It's okay to miss her," Kendall says softly. "I miss my dad all the time, and it's been years since he passed away. Of course you're gonna miss her."

"I just—I just want her back."

"I know you do." Kendall frowns and raises one arm. "Come here," he says, and this time, Logan moves voluntarily, until Kendall's arm is wrapped tightly around him, his face once again finding the crevice between Kendall's neck and shoulder. "I'm sorry, Logie," Kendall whispers against his ear, soft and comforting. "I really am."

It's okay, Logan wants to say, it's not your fault. The words won't come out, though. It's like a cotton ball has been shoved down his throat, closing up his airways and preventing him from speaking.

"Listen," Kendall says, "you're allowed to be upset. You're allowed to cry, to be sad or angry, to want her back. And if that means failing a chemistry test, then that's okay. Maybe you could talk to Mrs. Riley and explain things. I'm sure she'd be able to help."

Logan shakes his head at the mention of their chemistry teacher. "Yeah, but… I can't afford to fail at anything with the way my dad is," he says quietly. "He expects nothing but the best from me, and if I can't give him that, then…" He trails off, the last three words getting caught somewhere in the middle of his throat.

I'm a failure. That's what he is. A good-for-nothing failure.

"You're so much more than your grades," Kendall says, as if having read his mind. His green eyes are watery and sad-looking. He looks like a puppy who's been yelled at one too many times. Logan wishes he could take that look away from his face forever. He hates that he's the reason that look is on Kendall's face to begin with.

"Thanks," he says, looking away. "I wish he thought that, too."

"Me too," Kendall whispers. "I'm sorry, Logie."

"It's okay."

"You don't deserve that."

Why does he feel like he does deserve it, then?

"I guess not," he says quietly, his eyes diverting away from Kendall's.

"You don't," Kendall tells him, his voice more stern than before. "I promise," he adds more softly.

Logan attempts to give him a smile, but it crumples immediately. His heart hurts. He's tired of feeling so worthless all of the time. He's tired of his own dad making him feel like he's nothing.

"How about we watch a movie, huh?" Kendall says after a moment. "We can watch whatever you want."

"It's late," Logan mumbles. "Won't your mom be mad?"

Kendall shakes his head and detaches himself from Logan to swing his legs over the edge of the bed. "It'll be fine," he says.

Logan sits up on the bed and watches as Kendall turns on the small TV in his room. When he beckons him over to pick a DVD, Logan forces himself to leave the warmth of the bed and sits on the floor to look through Kendall's DVD collection.

It's not long before the two of them are huddled together on the bed once again, with Logan's head resting against Kendall's shoulder. He only makes it about one-third of the way through the movie before his eyelids start to grow heavy. He fights to stay awake, but eventually, the tiredness wins and he succumbs into a dreamless sleep.


When Logan wakes up the next morning, Kendall's arms are wrapped tightly around him, his chest pressed against Logan's back. Logan's cheeks heat up at the realization. He thinks about pulling away and heading home, but he knows he won't be able to get away with it. He knows Kendall is a light sleeper. Perhaps not as much as Logan is, but he's a light sleeper, nonetheless. So, rather than trying to get away from Kendall, he closes his eyes and hopes that he'll be able to fall back to sleep.

Luck doesn't seem to be on his side, though.

Only a couple of minutes later, Kendall's hold on him tightens, followed by him growing rigid against him. Due to the quietness that surrounds them, Logan doesn't miss the way Kendall's breath catches. Even though his eyes are closed, he can feel Kendall's eyes on him, studying him closely.

The next thing he knows, Kendall slips one arm from underneath him, and the one draped over his waist moves away, too. It's not until then that Logan cracks his eyes open. Kendall is now lying on his back, gaze cast toward the ceiling. His cheeks are dusted a light shade of pink.

"Morning," he manages, pretending to stifle a yawn in the hopes that Kendall will think he was asleep the whole time.

Kendall's eyes move around the room a couple of times, before finally settling on Logan. "Morning," he says, his voice quiet. "You sleep okay?"

Logan hums. "Yeah, I did," he says. "Thank you for, uh, last night."

Kendall smiles, his dimples appearing on his cheeks. Logan feels his own lips pull up at the sight of them.

"No problem, Logie. You know you're always welcome here."

And, yeah, Logan knows this, but it's always a nice reminder, because for as long as he can remember, he has always felt like a bother anywhere he goes. It's a mystery how he even managed to drag himself here last night in the first place because he has grown accustomed to just shoving his feelings down, as deep as they will go, and putting on a smile for everyone else to see.

"I should probably head home," Logan says as he turns to face the alarm clock on Kendall's nightstand. "It's almost eight. My dad will be awake for work soon, and if he finds out I snuck out… I don't even know how he'll react."

At this, Kendall frowns. "Can I go with you?" he asks, his eyes boring into Logan's. "I can sneak in."

"Why?" Logan asks. He's aware of how rude the question probably sounds, but he hadn't meant for it to come out that way. He was just surprised. Why would Kendall want to spend his Saturday morning with him when he could be doing literally anything else?

"Because you're my best friend and I want to make sure you're okay?" Kendall frowns.

"I'm fine, Kendall," Logan says with a tight smile. "You don't have to come."

"But I want to," Kendall says, like the stubborn person he is. "Please?"

Logan hates the way he can never say no to Kendall. He rolls his eyes but is unable to hide the smile that comes to his face. "Okay, fine, you can come."

Kendall pumps a fist in the air and grins over at him. "Great! Let's go," he says and drags Logan to his feet.

Because Kendall's bike has a flat tire, he ends up having to ride with Logan. His arms wrap around Logan from behind, and it takes everything in Logan to push away the uneasiness that settles in his stomach at the feeling of having Kendall so close. It's not an uncomfortable uneasiness—not the kind he feels when he's dreading something and is waiting for the worst to come. Quite the opposite, actually. It's the kind of uneasiness that comes from feeling safe and wanted, when you've spent so much of your life feeling like you're anything but safe and wanted almost everywhere you go.

He can't keep the smile off his face as he rides past houses, all of them nothing but a blur to his eyes.

Maybe things aren't perfect, but right now, at this moment in time, he feels content.


January 27, 2009

Kendall awakens with a start, his heart beating wildly inside his chest. The darkness surrounding him feels suffocating as he looks around the room, catching sight of his three best friends, who are all sprawled around his living room, each of them in their respective sleeping bags. Well, Logan and James are, at least. Carlos has half his body sticking out of his.

He doesn't even remember what he had been dreaming, if he had been dreaming, but he remembers the feeling of dread that had draped itself over him, making him feel like he was choking. He can still feel it now, only it has subsided, but the anxiety traveling through his body is still there, clinging to him with a mighty grip.

He closes his eyes and takes in a big gulp of air, hoping that it'll help somehow, but he can't stop shaking. He feels kind of pathetic.

When a hand lands on his arm, he jumps in surprise. His eyes fly open in an instant, and it is then that he realizes that Logan is now sitting up in his sleeping bag, looking at him with worried dark brown eyes.

"Hey. What's wrong?" he asks in a whisper. "Did you have a bad dream?"

Had it been a bad dream? He thinks it was, but then why can't he remember anything?

Nightmares aren't new to him. They're not anything out of the ordinary, and he knows Logan knows this. All of the boys know this, actually. They've slept over countless times to find him in the same situation he's in now. Sitting up, curled in on himself, dirty blond hair plastered to his forehead.

Yet, it never feels any less humiliating.

At his lack of a response, Logan gets out of his sleeping bag and scoots closer to him. He pauses once he's sitting next to him, his hand slightly raised, as if he wants to reach out to him again but is worried it's not what Kendall needs.

When Kendall doesn't move away, he places his hand on Kendall's shoulder, lightly, and looks up at him. "Is this okay?" he asks.

It takes Kendall a moment to register what it is that Logan has asked, but when he does, he nods slightly.

"Can I hug you?" Logan asks, sounding unsure.

"Yeah," Kendall says, so quietly even he barely hears the word come out of his mouth.

Logan wraps his arms around him, still a bit hesitant, and places his chin on Kendall's shoulder.

Kendall relaxes against the touch as a lone tear slips out of his eye, rolls down his cheek, and disappears into the fabric of his T-shirt.

"Thank you," he whispers as his hand finds Logan's in the dark and squeezes at it. Logan doesn't hesitate to squeeze back.

"No problem," Logan whispers back, his breath warm against the right side of Kendall's neck. "Are you okay? You're shaking."

"I don't really…" He pauses to swallow. His throat feels so dry. "I don't feel well," he says quietly as he wraps one arm around himself.

"Do you feel sick?" Logan asks as he moves his head away from Kendall's shoulder to look at him properly. Without warning, he presses his free hand to Kendall's forehead, and Kendall has to resist the urge to pull away. "You feel a little warm…"

"I don't think I'm sick," Kendall says before Logan can spiral any more into doctor-mode. "Just shaken up, I guess."

"Was it a nightmare?"

Kendall shrugs. "I don't really remember. Everything is so fuzzy. I just… I just woke up and I felt like I couldn't breathe." He pauses then and turns to look at Logan. "I'm sorry for waking you up and worrying you," he says quietly. "You should go back to sleep. I think it's, uh, wearing off."

Logan raises an eyebrow at him. "Is it actually?"

Kendall looks away from him and instead focuses his gaze on their intertwined hands, which are now resting on his lap. "A little," he says, sounding choked.

"That doesn't sound very convincing, you know," Logan says, giving him a small, sad smile.

"I don't want you to stay up because of me," Kendall tells him, his frown growing in size. "I'll be fine."

"You're very stubborn, you know that?"

This causes a tiny grin to come to Kendall's face. "You're not much better yourself."

Logan rolls his eyes and lets go of Kendall's hand.

Kendall frowns as he watches Logan move back to where his sleeping bag is, only to move it closer to Kendall's a moment later.

"What are you doing?" he asks once his and Logan's sleeping bags are now side by side.

"Moving closer to you?" Logan says, as if it should be obvious. "Come on," he says, patting Kendall's sleeping bag. When Kendall doesn't move at all, he grabs his arm and tugs him down, causing a small yelp to slip from Kendall's lips. "Let's try to get some sleep, yeah?"

Kendall swallows, fully aware of their proximity. He nods, inaudibly, and tries to get comfortable in his sleeping bag.

"Hey, Kendall?"

Kendall turns to face Logan then. "Yeah?"

Logan opens his mouth and scans Kendall's face for several seconds, before saying, "Goodnight."

Kendall smiles. "'Night," he says as he lays down, facing Logan, one hand splayed out in between the couple of inches separating their sleeping bags.

Logan stares at it for a moment, and then does the same, his pinky finger locking with Kendall's.

Within a couple of minutes, Logan's eyes close and his breathing evens out, and all Kendall can do is stare.

It's not long before he's asleep too, a sense of calmness having washed over him.


May 3. 2009

"Are you going to the school dance?"

The question catches Logan off-guard. He stops in the middle of his trigonometry problem to stare at James, who is seated across from him in the cafeteria. James is staring back at him, awaiting a response, as he shoves a chicken nugget in his mouth.

"What?"

"The dance," James says, once he has swallowed down most of his chicken nugget. "Are you going to it?"

Logan frowns. "You know school dances aren't my thing," he says.

"Yeah, but practically everyone's going."

"I don't have a date."

"So? Not everyone does. Besides, if you want to find a date, I can always help you find one."

Logan rolls his eyes at him. "Hard pass."

"Aww, come on, Logan. There's gotta be some girl out there who's into nerdy guys who spend their lunch period working on…" James squints at Logan's paper. "Geometry?"

"It's trigonometry," Logan corrects him. "And, wow, thanks for the boost of confidence."

"I didn't mean that in a bad way," James says. "Plenty of girls like guys like you."

"Yeah! There are probably tons at this school," Carlos says, having appeared at some point while James was speaking. "Right, Kendall?"

Kendall, who up to this point had been stabbing at his now-mushy peas with his fork, sends a glare in Carlos' direction, before glancing at Logan for a millisecond, and then looking away. "Uh, sure."

"Like, there's Gina, from bio! I've seen her looking at you a couple of times."

The tip of Logan's ears grow hot at Carlos' words. "I don't like Gina," he mumbles, and attempts to go back to working on his trigonometry homework, but before he can do that, James speaks.

"Well, is there anyone you do like?"

Logan's hand freezes just as the tip of his pencil makes contact with the paper. "No," he says, even though one person does come to mind. One person, who is sitting next to him, glaring at his mushy peas, which now look an awful lot like green mashed potatoes.

"There's gotta be someone you like," James says, frowning. "Come on, you never talk about this stuff."

"Maybe because I don't like anyone? Why is that so hard to believe?"

"It's not. It's just… I thought it might be a good idea if you put yourself out there, you know?" James says. "Not that you need to or anything. I just thought it might help. That's all."

"I don't want to put myself out there," Logan says, pointedly avoiding Kendall's eyes. "Besides, I don't see either of you with a date."

"Well, actually, I might have gotten Amy's number…"

"Amy?" Carlos stares at James, mouth hanging open. "Amy Simmons?"

"The one and only." James grins.

"No way! Are you gonna ask her to the dance?"

"Already did."

"And?"

"She said yes," James says, a huge smile overtaking his face.

"No way, dude! I'm so jealous."

"Sorry, buddy," James says, even though he sounds the least bit sorry. "I thought you were asking Laura."

"I am. I just… need to actually do it."

"Cold feet?" James says, and Carlos nods.

"Very cold feet."

"It's not that hard. I'll help you."

Logan stops listening to their conversation as he feels a soft kick to his foot. He turns to face Kendall, who has a tiny smile on his face.

"You okay?" Kendall whispers as Carlos and James continue on with their conversation, paying them no attention.

Logan hesitates before nodding. "Yeah, fine. Why?"

"You seem upset."

I am upset, he thinks, but not because of the reason you think.

"Can we talk about it later?" Logan asks.

Kendall appears surprised at this as he says, "Yeah. Yeah, sure. After school?"

Logan feels a smile start to tug at lips. "Yeah, after school."


After school, as Logan is stuffing his textbooks into his locker, Kendall appears from behind him and places his hands on Logan's shoulders, causing him to almost jump out of his skin.

"Sorry," Kendall says, grinning at him. "I didn't think I was that quiet."

Logan rolls his eyes. "You aren't. I just didn't expect you, that's all."

"Well, we did agree to meet after school," Kendall says, "and it is after school."

"Right."

"So… Wanna walk over to my house? My mom made chocolate chip cookies last night."

Logan presses his lips together and nods. "Sure," he says, and then adds, "I love your mom's cookies."

Kendall grins. "I know."

The walk to Kendall's house is quiet, for the most part. Or, at least, quiet in the sense that they hardly exchange words. As they're exiting the school, Kendall pulls out his old MP3 player, which is all scratched up but still works fine, and hands one earbud to Logan, while he takes the other. Alone by Heart starts playing seconds later, the lyrics from the song making Logan's heart ache painfully inside his chest.

"Hey," Kendall says when they're about a block away from his house, pausing the song that's currently playing, "are you gonna tell me what was up with you during lunch?" he asks, oblivious to the inner turmoil going on inside Logan's brain at the moment.

Logan fidgets with the earbud's cord, his gaze locked on the pavement. "It's… nothing," he mumbles, unsure of what to even say to Kendall's question. How is he supposed to tell him the real reason he was so upset during lunch? He can't, no matter how much he may want to. He's terrified of the outcome. Terrified to find out how Kendall would react.

"It didn't really seem like nothing," Kendall says with a frown, then adds. "You know you don't have to go to the school dance if you don't want to, right?"

At this, Logan can't help but smile a little. "I know," he says quietly. "It's not… It's not that, exactly."

Kendall is quiet for a moment, before he replies with, "So, you do want to go to the school dance?"

Logan shrugs. "I dunno. Maybe? I'm–I'm not sure." He dares one quick glance at Kendall and finds him looking at him, an unreadable expression on his face.

"Do you… Do you actually wanna go with someone?"

"Would it make a difference if I did or not?"

"I—" Kendall falters. "No. I guess not."

It's at this point when they reach Kendall's house. Logan hands the earbud back to Kendall, and then follows him inside.

"My mom's taking a late shift again," Kendall says as they enter, "and I think Katie was supposed to go to a friend's house after school."

Logan nods. "So… it's just us for now."

Kendall doesn't look at him as he answers. "Yep," he says, his voice quiet.

Logan doesn't say anything to that. He just follows as Kendall heads to the kitchen, pulls out the cookie jar, and grabs a couple of cookies before handing it over to Logan.

"Thanks," Logan says, as he grabs a cookie and starts nibbling on it.

They soon find themselves in the living room couch, and that is where all hell breaks loose for Logan.

"So… who is it?"

"What?" Logan asks, blinking over at Kendall.

"The person you want to take to the dance. Who is it?"

"I didn't say I wanted to take someone to the dance." He can already feel his cheeks and ears growing warm. He hopes Kendall doesn't notice.

"You kind of implied it," Kendall says. "Is it someone I know?"

Logan opens his mouth, and it remains like that for several seconds, as he racks his brain for something to say. "I—uh, no?"

This seems to catch Kendall's attention, because he raises an eyebrow at Logan, looking amused. "Are you sure?"

Logan frowns. "Did you just ask me to come so you could interrogate me?"

"What? No, of course not. I asked you to come because I wanted to hang out with you. I just thought… we'd be able to talk about this, I guess. But it's fine if you don't want to."

Logan runs a hand through his hair, tugging at the roots. "I'm sorry, it's just… If I tell you… If I tell you, I don't know how you'll react."

He looks over at Kendall, whose eyebrows are scrunched up now, a tight frown on his face. "Why would I react badly?"

Logan doesn't answer, so Kendall moves closer and places a hand on his knee. "Come on, Logie. It's just me."

Just me. How could Kendall Knight ever be just anything? He's everything to Logan, and he has no idea.

He takes in a shaky breath and closes his eyes. He doesn't open them, not even when he feels Kendall's hand slip into his, squeezing at it tightly.

"Just me," Kendall reminds him, and he kind of wants to cry. He can already feel the tears building up behind his eyelids, and he knows that the moment he opens his eyes, they will come spilling out.

"Please don't hate me."

"I could never hate you."

Logan isn't sure how true that is, but he squeezes Kendall's hand back anyway, and speaks before his mind can spiral any more than it already is.

"It's… It's a boy."

He doesn't open his eyes. He doesn't want to see Kendall's face right now. He's too afraid of what he'll find once he does, even though Kendall has never been anything but kind and loving and understanding towards him.

"A boy?" Kendall asks after several agonizing seconds, and Logan nods, inaudibly. "Oh. Well… is it James?"

And, okay, that is not at all what Logan was expecting.

"What?" he asks, his eyes flying open. "James? What?"

"Yes… our best friend, James?" Kendall says, as if they know any other James.

"Why would it be James?"

Now it's Kendall who doesn't seem to know what to say. "Well… it's James, you know?"

"Um, no?"

"Well, you know, everyone likes James, because he's, well, pretty."

"James is… pretty?"

Logan is fully aware that James is pretty. A good chunk of the girls in their grade level want to be with him. It's no secret that James is pretty. However, he hadn't expected Kendall to think he's pretty.

Kendall's eyes grow wide. "I didn't–I didn't mean it like that."

"Like… what?"

"Like—you know." He gestures with his hands, and all Logan can do is stare at him blankly. "It's not like I like James."

"I didn't… say you did," Logan says slowly.

"Okay, good."

"But that wouldn't be a bad thing, you know."

"No, of–of course not."

Logan's heart sinks at the possibility of Kendall liking James. "D-do you?"

"Like James?" Kendall asks, sounding like he's on the verge of choking on air.

Logan nods.

"No, I don't… I don't like James."

"Oh. Well, okay."

The silence that follows feels suffocating. It only lasts a few seconds, but it feels like minutes to Logan.

"Logan?"

"Yeah?"

Kendall looks down at his hands, and then back up at Logan. "Thank you, for telling me."

Logan's lips pull up into a tiny smile. "Thank you for not being weird about it." He pauses then, his expression turning serious. "But it's not James."

"Oh." Kendall looks genuinely surprised at this. "Well, good."

"Good?"

"Yeah, I mean… because it's James, and James is girl crazy."

Logan chuckles. "James is girl crazy."

"But," Kendall starts, "if it's not James, then who is it? Is it Carlos?"

Logan's lips form into a frown. He looks up at Kendall, who is looking back at him, eyes curious, searching, maybe even… hopeful. He swallows and shakes his head. "It's not anyone you know," he lies, feeling the guilt eat away at him as Kendall's eyes look away from him.

"Oh," he says, and he almost sounds disappointed. But why would he be? He can't be. It has to be all in his head.

"Yeah." Logan rubs at the back of his neck, feeling uncomfortable. "It's not like anything could come off it, anyway."

"How do you know?" Kendall asks, frowning.

Logan shrugs. "I just… do," he says. "I don't think he's into guys. And, even if he was, why would he like me back?" He says this last part while looking at his lap, his eyes all of a sudden stinging.

"Logan…"

Logan doesn't look up.

"Logie, come on, look at me."

Breathing out a heavy sigh, Logan looks up, tears already swimming in his eyes. "What?"

"Don't say that."

"It's true."

"No, it isn't," Kendall says sternly, his eyes unwavering as they scan Logan's face. "You're one of the best people I know. Anyone would be lucky to be with you."

I don't know if that's true, Logan thinks as he tears his gaze away from Kendall, but what comes out of his mouth when he opens it is a choked out "thanks."

Without warning, Kendall wraps his arms around him, pulling him to his chest. Logan lets himself be pulled in, selfishly finding comfort in Kendall's arms. He feels like he keeps taking, always taking, hardly ever giving anything in return. Kendall is so good. He's so good. Logan doesn't deserve him, especially not after lying straight to his face because of the fear eating at him from the inside out.

I love you. The three words sit on the tip of his tongue as he breathes in sharply, the scent of the laundry detergent Kendall uses on his clothes engulfing him. I love you. I love you. I love you, but I know you will never love me back. At least not in the same way I do.

He can't even remember a time when he didn't love Kendall Knight, in one way or another, and frankly, he doesn't want to imagine it. He doesn't ever want to imagine a world without Kendall. He knows it would destroy him. So, if he has to push his feelings away, no matter how strong they might be, so be it. It's better than not having him in his life at all.

"So," Kendall says after a moment, as he pulls away from Logan, still keeping him close, "if you're not gonna ask him out, do you maybe want to go to the dance… with me?"

Logan blinks up at him, unsure if he heard right. "What?"

"Nobody ever said friends can't go to dances together, right?"

"Oh." Logan tries not to sound too disappointed but fails miserably. "Right."

At his tone, Kendall frowns. "Unless you don't want to go—"

"No, no, I do!" Logan says. "It's just… people might look at us funny if we go together."

"So?"

"They might spread rumors… about you. About… us."

Kendall shrugs, like this doesn't faze him in the slightest. "Then let them. I don't care."

"You-you don't?"

"No," Kendall says. "Do you?"

"Not about me, no," Logan says slowly. "I just don't want anyone to say stuff about you."

"If you don't care, I don't either," Kendall says. "Besides, maybe we'll make your guy jealous and he'll realize what he's missing out on," he adds, nudging Logan on the side.

Logan forces a chuckle. "Yeah, maybe."

Kendall gives him a smile, but it doesn't quite reach the corners of his eyes.

"Are you okay?" Logan asks, because he has to make sure. He had noticed the way Kendall seemed upset during lunch earlier, and he hadn't gotten around to asking him why that was.

Kendall's face turns into one of confusion. "Yeah, I'm good. Why?"

Shrugging, Logan says, "I don't know. You looked a bit upset during lunch earlier. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay."

"Oh." Kendall's eyes go a little wide at this, before a smile breaks out across his face. "Yeah, no, everything's good," he says, and if Logan were anybody else, he might have believed him.

"Really?" he asks, not fully convinced by Kendall's words.

"Yeah," Kendall says, with that smile that is so obviously fake. He wants to reach out, shake Kendall, and tell him to tell him the truth, but he doesn't do any of that. Instead, he forces a smile onto his face as well—one that he's sure mirrors Kendall's own—and leans back against the couch cushions, watching Kendall intently. "Okay."

Kendall follows his lead and reaches for the remote, turning on the TV a second later. "So, anything you wanna watch?"


Later that day, once Logan has left, Kendall sits at the kitchen table, attempting to work on his biology homework. No matter how hard he tries, though, he can't seem to concentrate.

Besides, maybe we'll make your guy jealous and he'll realize what he's missing out on. His own words from earlier ring in his head, and he can't seem to make them stop.

"Why did I even say that?" he mumbles to himself as he presses the tip of his pencil against the tabletop with a bit too much force. When he removes it, there is a dent in its place.

"Why did you say what?" Katie asks as she pulls up a chair and sits next to him.

"I—When did you get here?" he asks, not having heard her come into the kitchen.

"Literally just now?" Katie says. "Now, are you gonna tell me why you were talking to yourself, or am I gonna have to pry it out of you?"

"It's nothing," he lies. "Just, you know, me being stupid. Always saying the wrong thing." He forces out a chuckle, but Katie doesn't seem to believe him.

"Okay… Saying the wrong thing to who?"

"No one."

"It had to have been to someone."

Kendall sighs and lets his pencil fall back on the table. "Well, um, let's just say I offered to go to prom with someone and told them it might make their crush jealous."

"Okay, and?"

"And, well—Um…"

"Oh my God."

"What?"

"You like this person, don't you?"

Sometimes Kendall hates how smart his little sister is. "Well…"

"You giant idiot."

"Gee, thanks, Katie."

"Why would you tell them that?!"

"I don't know! I was trying to be supportive."

"By doing something that you knew would hurt you in the end?"

"What else was I supposed to do? It's not like I have a chance."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because… they'd never like me in that way."

"Well, I don't think you can know for sure unless you ask him."

Kendall looks down at the tabletop, heaving a loud sigh. "Yeah, I guess you're—Wait, what?"

Katie looks at him in confusion as he stares at her, his eyes wide. "What?"

"Him," he says under his breath. "You said 'him.' I never said who they were."

Katie's mouth drops open. "Oh," she says, realization dawning on her. "Sorry, I didn't mean to say that. I didn't want to assume anything. It's just—"

"Why did you say 'him'?" he asks, swallowing thickly. Of all the ways he expected to come out to his sister, he didn't expect it to be like this. "How did you know…?"

"I didn't know," Katie says, her voice having gone quiet. "There was no way for me to know, unless you told me. But I did have a hunch."

Kendall frowns. "About me not being straight?" he asks, equally as quiet.

Katie shakes her head. "No. Not exactly…" She pauses, and then adds, "I had a feeling you liked someone."

Someone. Not Logan. Just someone.

"Why did you assume it was a boy, then?" he asks after a moment of hesitation.

At this, Katie smiles sadly. "Because I had a feeling you liked someone specific. And…" she trails off, biting at her lower lip.

"And…?"

"And I had a feeling he liked you, too."

"He doesn't," he says, shaking his head. He looks up at Katie, eyes teary. "Who do you think it is?"

"I don't know if I should say… Like I said, I don't want to assume anything about either of you. I didn't even mean to think about it to begin with, but, you know, I have eyes and can see the way you look at each other, so—"

"Katie."

Katie grins up at him. 'Sorry,' she mouths, but he's not sure if he actually believes her.

Finally, after what feels like minutes, she says very quietly, "It's Logan, isn't it? You lo—You like Logan."

Kendall lets out a humorless laugh, his eyes stinging. "Was I really that obvious?"

Katie shrugs. "Not to anyone, I don't think," she says, "but you know me. I pay attention." She smiles at him, and he can't help but give her a small smile in return, until something she said dawns on him.

"You think he likes me back?"

"That's… one word for it."

"Huh?" Kendall cocks his head to the side like a confused puppy.

"I don't think he likes you back," Katie says very slowly. "I think he loves you back."

Kendall pales at this. "I never said I loved him."

"But… you do, don't you?"

"I—"

"Unless I'm wrong. After all, I'm only ten."

"You're way too smart for a ten-year-old, you know that?"

"Hey, ten-year-olds can be smart!" Katie says, lightly punching him in the arm. This gets a genuine chuckle out of Kendall.

"Ow. Okay, you're right. Sorry," he says between laughter. Once it dies down, though, his expression grows serious once more. "I do," he says, the words barely audible. He stares down at his hands, then back at Katie. "I love him."

"Then I think you'd be an idiot to not tell him how you feel."

He opens his mouth with the intention of giving her some kind of snarky remark, but it dies on his lips. What manages to come out instead is, "You really think he feels the same?"

He can't imagine Logan liking him back, let alone loving him, not only platonically but platonically and romantically. It is just too bizarre of a thought. Something that he longs for—that he's longed for for quite some time now—but that he never thought would actually be a possibility.

Not until now.

"Yes. I am almost a hundred percent sure he loves you back."

"Almost a hundred percent sure?"

"Well, it can't be a hundred percent unless you ask him," Katie says with a smile.

"And if you're wrong?"

"I think that if I'm wrong, things will be okay," Katie tells him. "But, big brother, you do so much for others. I think it's time you do something for yourself for once."

Kendall's eyes start to fill up with tears at Katie's words. He hugs his arms around himself, feeling unsure, self-conscious, and not good enough all at once. "He's my best friend," he says without looking at her. "I don't want to lose him."

"You won't."

"How can you be so sure?" he asks as he wipes under his eyes. "How can you know he won't hate me afterwards if he doesn't feel the same?"

Katie's eyes grow soft. "Because I know you, and I know Logan, and if there's one thing I think he could never do is hate you."


May 5, 2009

Three days before the school dance, Kendall finds himself standing in front of a mirror in the dressing room of a thrift store his mom had dragged him to. She had insisted he wear a suit, even though it was a typical school dance he was going to, not prom. He stares at his reflection, turning this way and that to look at the navy-colored suit that is a bit too loose on him, and frowns.

"Mom, I don't think I should wear this!" he says as he pulls the door open.

"Oh, honey, but it looks so good on you!" his mom says, smiling from ear to ear. "Right, Katie?"

Katie glances at him, makes a face, and smiles up at their mother. "Sure…"

"We have to take it."

"But, Mom—"

"You look so handsome."

Kendall rolls his eyes but even he can't hide the smile that tugs his lips upward.

"All the girls will be fawning over you."

And just like that, the smile fades.

Katie, who had been glancing at a pink dress hanging on the wall, turns to him and gives him a knowing look. Kendall feels like sinking into the floor as he glares at her.

"I don't really want girls to be fawning over me," he mutters, staring at his shoes. Still, he allows his mom to take the suit from him once he has changed back into his regular clothes, and watches as she pays for it.

"You okay?" Katie asks as she and Kendall wait by the thrift store's entrance.

Kendall looks down at her and shrugs. "Yeah, I'm fine," he sighs. "Just… a bit irritated, that's all."

"If it helps, I think Mom would be completely accepting," Katie says, "if she knew about you liking boys."

"Yeah." Kendall chews on the inside of his cheek, the taste of copper invading his taste buds soon after. "I think I know that, deep down, but it's one thing to think it and another to know it, you know? It's just… it's complicated."

"I know," Katie says with a frown. "I won't tell her, I promise. You tell her when you're ready."

"Thank you, baby sister." Kendall smiles as he looks down at her. "You're the best."

Katie grins up at him. "I know."


May 8, 2009

Three days later, he finds himself parked in front of Logan's house, typing away at his phone.

"hey, just wanted to let you know i'm here :)," he types out, before clicking SEND.

His phone vibrates in his hand a minute later, and he opens it with a big smile on his face.

"On my way down!" comes Logan's reply.

True to his word, Logan shows up less than a minute later, wearing a black suit that resembles Kendall's own. He unlocks the car and Logan climbs into the passenger's seat. His hair is gelled up, but a couple of loose strands fall in front of his forehead. Kendall has to fight the urge to push them back with his hand.

"Hey," he says, grinning from ear to ear.

"Hi." Logan grins back, his cheeks tinted a light shade of pink.

"You, uh. You look nice," Kendall says before he can stop himself. He isn't sure if he imagines it, but the color on Logan's cheeks seems to grow a shade darker.

"Thanks," Logan says, ducking his head. "You do, too."

As they begin the drive to school, Kendall puts on some rock music on the radio. While he drives, he glances at Logan from time to time, who is tapping his foot along to the beat of whatever song is playing.

Logan's hands are resting on his lap, and Kendall wishes he could reach out and intertwine their fingers together. He wants to, more than anything.

When they arrive at the school, Carlos and James are waiting at the entrance with their dates. Carlos had finally gotten around to asking Laura out, with some help from James.

As they walk toward them, Kendall places a hand on Logan's upper back, guiding him forward. From his peripheral vision, he watches as Logan turns to look at him, a questioning look in his eyes. Eventually, he tears his gaze away, but the smile that has started spreading on his face fails to diminish at Kendall's gentle touch.

Inside, the gym is decorated with balloons and streamers. Pop music can be heard coming from speakers. All around them, people are dancing and laughing. Couples swing back and forth, holding each other close, with not a care in the world.

With a frown, Kendall stares at Logan's hand, which is merely an inch away from his own as they walk side by side. Slowly, he reaches out with one finger, grazing the back of it. Upon contact, Logan glances down, and then up at Kendall, his head slightly cocking to one side.

He leans close and says into Kendall's ear, "Everything okay?"

Kendall opens his mouth but nothing comes out. He stares at Logan—at the way the colorful lights from the disco ball above them makes his eyes look like they're shining, and all he can think about is leaning down and kissing him there in plain sight, but he's not that careless. He's not even sure if he's ready for anything like that, even though he had told Logan that it wouldn't bother him. He knows people can be mean, and while most people probably wouldn't mess with him, he knows the same can't be said about Logan, who has had to deal with bullies for as long as Kendall has known him.

"Actually," he says when he finally finds his voice, "can we talk? Um, somewhere private and quiet, preferably. Or at the very least quieter than here."

This seems to catch Logan by surprise. "Yeah, of course," he says, before turning to let Carlos and James know, but the two of them are already on the dance floor, dancing along with their dates.

"Um, come on." He grabs Kendall by the hand and drags him out of the gymnasium, down a corridor, and inside a classroom that has the door open. Once they're inside, he closes the door behind them and lets go of Kendall's hand.

"Is… Is something wrong?"

"No. Um, nothing's wrong," Kendall says as he looks down at his hand, missing the feeling of Logan's hand against his. "I just, uh, wanted to talk to you about something."

Logan nods as he crosses his arms over his chest. "What did you want to talk about?" he asks, peering up at Kendall through his eyelashes.

Kendall feels like he might be sick. He swings back and forth on the balls of his feet, his hands clenched into fists by his sides. "I don't really know how to say it," he says quietly, without looking at Logan. "I don't—I can't—"

"Hey."

When he looks up, Logan is right in front of him. His eyes, which were glistening with lights and colors just a couple of minutes ago, are now filled with worry. "Kendall, breathe," he says, reaching up and holding Kendall's face in the palms of his hands, and God, Kendall wishes he knew that that is just making things one hundred times worse.

"It's gonna be okay," Logan whispers as he moves his hands away from his face to place them on his shoulders. "Whatever it is, you can tell me."

"Even if it completely messes up our friendship?"

Logan's eyes grow wide at Kendall's words. "What?"

"I-I don't want to lose you."

This only seems to confuse Logan even more. "I don't either," he says quietly. "But, you're not going to. I promise. Whatever it is, we'll be okay."

Kendall nods, even though he doesn't quite believe it. He sucks in a deep breath, his whole body feeling like it's shaking when he releases it. Feeling like he might lose his balance, he leans back against the wall next to the door and glances to the side, unable to look Logan in the eye.

"Do you… Do you remember the other day, when we were at my house, and you told me that… that you liked a boy?"

Logan swallows. "Yeah, I remember."

"I kind of… lied, I think, when I said that it was good that you didn't like James. I mean, because… because he's girl crazy."

"Okay... Lied in what way?"

"That's not… That's not the reason I thought it was a good thing."

"Oh." Logan takes a step away from Kendall and sucks in a breath. "Do you have a problem with me being gay?" he asks after several agonizing seconds. He's not looking at Kendall but rather at the wall behind him.

"What?" Kendall's head whips toward him. "No, no. That's not—definitely not."

"Then what is it?"

Kendall shields his face in his hands. He's unable to look Logan in the eye as he speaks. "I think… I think I might be bi," he says, his voice cracking on the last word. "And I—I think I might be in love with you."

Logan stares at him in shock. He opens and closes his mouth several times, seeming to be unable to find the right words or say them out loud. When he does find his voice, only one word comes out.

"What?"

Kendall leans back, his head colliding with the wall with a small thud. "I'm bi and I'm in love with you," he says, a bit more sure of himself this time. He closes his eyes, the familiar feeling of tears building up inside them making them sting. He can't bring himself to look Logan in the eye. He's too afraid he'll find discomfort in his eyes, or even something worse. Not because of the being bi thing, but because of the "I'm in love with you" part.

"Kendall," Logan says quietly, and even though Kendall's eyes are closed, he can hear Logan take a step towards him. A moment later, Logan's hands are holding on to his. "Kendall, can you look at me?"

Kendall shakes his head.

"Please, Kendall."

"Do you hate me?"

"No, of course not. I would never. I just… Please look at me, okay?"

Kendall lets out a choked breath and slowly lowers his head. When he opens his eyes, Logan is standing in front of him, a smile adorning his face. His eyes are now damp with tears, which he has yet to let fall.

"I love you, too," he says before wrapping his arms around Kendall and pulling him towards him.

Kendall sniffles as he brings his arms to wind around Logan's waist, a couple of tears falling and dampening the back of Logan's suit. "Really?" he asks, because he can't quite believe it. It feels too good to be true.

"Really," Logan says, his eyes crinkling at the edges when he smiles.

"I—" Kendall looks down at Logan and feels a smile of his own start to break on his face. "I really want to kiss you," he blurts out, wincing a bit when he realizes what he's said. "I mean… I don't—" he falters.

Kendall can't say he's afraid of many things, but there's something about loving Logan Mitchell that terrifies him, in the best way possible. It, unfortunately, also leaves him a stuttering mess, something he's starting to realize with time.

"I, uh. Only if you want to, of course. I wouldn't want to force you or anything—"

"Kendall?"

"Yeah?"

"You can kiss me," Logan says, and when Kendall still hesitates, he takes his face in between his hands and pulls him down, until their lips are only a centimeter apart and he can feel Logan's breath ghosting his face.

"Are you… Are you sure?" Kendall asks. He can feel his heart beating inside his chest at a frantic pace, leaving him a bit light-headed.

Rubbing his thumb along Kendall's cheek, Logan says, "I've never been more sure of anything."

Still feeling a bit uncertain, yet feeling absolutely certain in what he's about to do, he places one hand on Logan's waist, and with the other, he tilts Logan's chin up. He can't help but smile as he presses his lips to Logan's, his smile only widening when he feels Logan smiling back. It's not a long kiss, and he's not even sure if he's doing it right because he has never kissed anyone before, nor has Logan, but it makes him feel like he's floating on cloud nine, nonetheless.

When they part, he keeps his forehead resting against Logan's for a moment, and then slowly opens his eyes. "I love you," he says, even though Logan already knows. Now that he's said it, he doesn't think he could ever get tired of saying it.

And, as Logan presses another brief kiss to his lips and whispers, "I love you, too," he realizes he could never get tired of hearing it either, or of witnessing the way Logan's cheeks turn a light shade of pink at hearing Kendall utter those three little words.

"So, um," Kendall says, once his heart no longer feels like it's about to beat right out of his chest. "Do you maybe want to dance?" he asks, reaching his hand out for Logan to take.

Logan takes his hand and looks at him. "Here?"

"Unless you'd rather go out there," Kendall says, nodding in the direction of the gym. "But, um, I was thinking maybe we could take things slow, if that's okay?"

"Of course it's okay," Logan says, "I think I'd like that."

"Yeah?" Kendall grins, pulling Logan close.

Logan shields his face against Kendall's shoulder, trying to hide his smile. "Yeah," he whispers. "As long as I'm with you, I'll go as slow as we need to."

As Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper starts to play from the speakers at the gym, Kendall holds Logan close and presses a kiss to his forehead, as the two of them sway back and forth to the beat of the song.


Please let me know what you thought. :) And thank you for reading!

~ BigTimeRush-BT?R :)