The Problem with the Seance
Jessica and Seth sat talking until well past midnight at her kitchen table over several cups of hot tea. Jessica had worked out another murder case and while she knew who had murdered that poor woman in Rose Cottage, she had needed Seth to help her work out how to prove it. In this case, she believed it would take an actual confession, as the only proof she knew of thus far was circumstantial. Even when she knew in her gut that someone was guilty, she never liked seeing someone convicted on circumstantial evidence alone. It was not tidy enough and always made her uneasy. What if she was wrong at some point and helped contribute to someone going to prison for a crime that they didn't commit?
Yes, she definitely preferred laying a trap and causing the criminal to confess. Provided that she and no one else were hurt in the process.
Staring into her tea cup, she thought she had prepared all that she could for tomorrow night. Seth had been a huge help as usual, listening to her intently and providing feedback when needed. He had agreed with her deductions of who the murderer was, as well as her plan for tomorrow. They both needed sleep, as ever since the murder happened a few days ago, sleep had been in short supply.
Still, she couldn't seem to raise her head to look at Seth and tell him good night. She seemed to be in a trance now, and far too tired to pull herself out of it. Distantly though, she heard Seth's voice.
"Jess?"
"Hmm?" The spell was broken, as she lifted her head up and turned to focus her eyes on his hazel ones.
"Are you going to tell me what is really bothering you?"
"What? I thought you were listening to me plan how to prove who murdered the woman in Rose Cottage?"
"Don't be obtuse, Jess. I'm old, but I'm not slow in the head yet. There is far more going on in that red head of yours than that. Now, are you going to tell me so that we can talk about it and then I can go home to my bed or do you want to still pretend that there is nothing wrong?"
"Oh, I see."
"No, I don't. But I would like to, if you want to tell me."
"Oh, I just meant that I see now what you mean. I thought I had pushed it out of my head, but I must not have if you could tell."
"Woman, you have been wound tighter than a top all night. At first, I thought it was everything going on in this town after that Halloween party, but I quickly figured out there was something else."
She nods her head in reply, looking back down at her cup of tea that has grown cold now, trying to gather her thoughts.
Clearing her throat, she tries to explain, "Well, you see, Seth, earlier tonight at the seance…Mr. Tremaine asked if I wanted to talk to Frank."
Seth said nothing, but gently moved his hand to cover Jessica's, squeezing it gently and leaving it on top to continue holding hers.
Jessica felt the warmth of Seth's hand holding her own, giving her courage to continue. Even as she wasn't sure what to say. How does she explain how much she wanted to say no to the medium, yet desperately wanted to say yes, too?
"I felt so angry at first. To hear that man say Frank's name, when he didn't know him. Nor does he know me. It was as though he had the power to grant a wish, like a genie or...God himself! I see what he is doing to these people in town. I see how he is luring them in, by promising to help them connect and talk to their loved ones. I went tonight to the meeting, to not be thought closed-minded. Yet, as I sat there and heard him use Frank's name, it felt like…blasphemy. As though he wanted to see if I was weak to his powers. Or even if he could goad me into reacting to him in some way."
Seth stays silent, but continues to watch Jessica stare into her cup, while he rubs her hand with his thumb as he continues to hold it.
With a touch of bitterness in her voice, she says, "The man is a charlatan and I was so angry at him. And even embarrassed having such a personal thing talked about in front of everyone."
Seth finally speaks, "Ayuh, that he is, Jess. But I would wager you knew he was a fraud before you went tonight. And I would also wager to say that you aren't really angry at him."
Finally looking up and making eye contact with Seth, she felt a hint of anger at Seth, but reined in her emotions, and asked, "No? What makes you say that?"
"Because I know you, woman. And I can tell when you are angry with yourself."
Jessica could feel tears prick her eyes immediately without warning, one tear spilling over before she had time to hide it. The man knows her too well for her to hide anything from him. Even as she sometimes wishes he were not so in tune with her, she knows right now, he can provide the comfort that she needs.
Seth uses his free hand to wipe the tear off her cheek.
Through the tears that continue to fall, she asks him, "And what reason would I have to be angry at myself"?"
"Because you wanted to say yes."
She would not deny it. She couldn't. Besides the tears on her face were hard evidence against her.
Instead, she counters, "Well, wouldn't you have wanted to say yes? If someone had offered to let you talk to Ruth again?"
"Of course I would, Jess. Even though I know that it isn't possible. Ruth is dead. And so is Frank. And no matter how much we would give anything to have one more conversation or one more touch or one more glance with them, we both know it can never happen. And even if someone like Tremaine were to put you in touch with Frank, just like you mentioned, it would be in front of him and others and manufactured to make you believe something that you want to believe. I know you, Jess, and if you could ever talk to Frank again, it would not be like that, in public, with others to view the words of love and longing that you would want to say. If something like that has to be contrived in public, it isn't real. You know it and I know it. And that's why, people like us would put Tremaine out of business."
Jessica knows that Seth is right. About everything. Her feelings of anger, combined with the sadness and grief over Frank that never really goes away. Time heals some loss, but it mainly shifts and ebbs and flows. It does not ever disappear.
And yes, even if there was such a thing as a way to converse with the dead, she would never want to do so in front of others. A conversation of that degree of difficulty would have to be in private, so she could tell Frank how much she misses him and how she would give anything to be held by him again. She would want him to know how much she still loves him and wishes he were here with her.
And yet, she wonders…she often thinks about how much she has changed since Frank died. About how much her life has changed. She is no longer a teacher and wife in a small town in Maine. She is a best-selling author who travels and speaks all over the world. Would Frank even know her? And the bigger fear is, would he love her still?
Seth tilts his head at Jessica, as he regards her face, considering what else is going on inside her head.
In his gravelly voice, he whispers, "You can stop worrying about that though, Jess. No matter how much you have grown or changed, Frank would love you still. He would probably worry about you flitting all over the country and solving murders everywhere you go, like I do, but it would not change how he felt about you."
The dam bursts and Jessica begins to sob, tears rolling down her cheeks and her shoulders shaking. Seth turns his chair and moves it right up next to hers, even as he pulls her close to him. He feels her turn her head onto his shoulder and immediately feels his shirt grow damp from her tears, even as he keeps his arms wrapped around her body tightly, rocking her back and forth gently.
He carefully moves his warm hands up and down her back, trying to soothe and calm her as much as possible. He has been waiting for her to get this out for two hours. He knew something much more personal was brewing, but true to her character, she would not allow herself to dwell on it, when there was something important like a murder to solve.
When it appears evident that she needs to cry this out far longer than he originally thought, he gently coaxes her to stand, before leading her into the living room, to sit on the couch. He grabbed a thick blanket from the back and sitting down next to her, he brought her to his chest, before pulling the blanket around them both. Kissing her temple, he sits back with his arms still around her, and closes his eyes, content to sit with her as long as she needs him.
Jessica is vaguely aware of how wet she has made Seth's shirt from her tears, even though she can't seem to stop the tears that fall. The amount of tears seem to lessen, even as her sobs do not abate.
Frank died years ago, yet she still cries for him. She misses him, often still wishing he were here beside her, but she also knows that years later, the grief is more about what he represents, her life as a young woman who was loved by a charming young man. Unfortunately, a lot of the day-to-day memories have faded with time. Sometimes it is just so terribly exhausting to remember and be alone in those memories.
Lately, she has realized that loneliness is what is wearing her down. She has begun to contemplate what it would look like to be in a relationship again, even as she knows she will always mourn Frank. Losing Frank will never be over or "fixed," but perhaps the broken pieces inside can be mended.
She had desperately wanted to talk to Frank tonight. But perhaps not completely how Seth envisioned. Oh, he had her emotions and fears pegged. She wanted to tell Frank how very much she loved him, of course, and what a wonderful life she had with him that she would always remember. She wanted him to be proud of who she had become, even as she was afraid that maybe he wouldn't understand or even be a little jealous at having to share her with the world of publishing. And yes, she hoped that he would love her still for who she was now. But that's where it ended. Because Jessica knew he was dead. There was nothing more for them. Frank represented a wonderful part of her life. But now, he represented a part of her life that was over and could never be returned to, no matter how much she had wanted to return to it in the past.
Looking at the future though, Jessica had begun to gaze in a new direction. One that both terrified and delighted her.
Seth.
The man who was holding her now, as she cried for another man. What a dear, selfless man he was. She knew that what she really wanted to talk to Frank about, if such a thing were even possible, was to tell him that she thought she was ready for love again and to ask if he would give his blessing. Not that it was needed and certainly not required, but rather a way for her to have peace moving forward.
But even as she processed those emotions in Seth's arms, she knew what Frank would say.
'My dear, Jessie, I've only ever wanted you to be happy, my girl. If I can't be there to hold you, I wouldn't want you shivering alone. Just choose wisely.'
Seth was a wise choice. Not that falling in love is really a choice. The staying in love part is more a choice, but the falling in love part, not so much.
Jessica's sobs began to finally die down. Her arm that had been across Seth's middle, moved to wipe her eyes. They had been on the couch for a long time, but she knew he was still awake, watching over her.
She kept her head turned into his neck, her breathing still shallow, as she sought to regulate it before trying to speak.
"Jess?"
"Yes, Seth?"
"Are you alright?"
"I think so. Thank you."
"For what?"
She pulled back just enough to make eye contact. She knew her face must be a mess, but she would not let herself look away.
"For holding me while I cried. For letting me grieve Frank over and over and over again in front of you. For knowing me so well that you know something is bothering me before I even know how to verbalize it. For not shying away from difficult conversations and pressing me forward. For loving me…you do love me, don't you, Seth?"
"I think you know I do," he said, voice so low it was almost inaudible.
"Say it, please."
"I love you, Jess."
She took a sharp intake of breath, even as she said, "I love you, Seth."
He carefully reaches one hand to her cheek, as he whispers, "Forgive me for saying so, Jess, but it seems like an odd time to be professing love, when you were just crying for Frank. Don't get me wrong, I have wanted to hear you say that for years, but I'd be lying if I said I understood."
Jess smiled shyly, "I know. It is. But part of what I have been grieving lately is the idea of Frank and what he represented. The idea of belonging to someone and being loved by someone and realizing that even though he is gone, it does not mean that I have to abstain and remain alone forever. I will always love him and miss him. I'm sure you feel the same way about Ruth."
"Yes, I do."
"Do you think Ruth would be understanding of you loving someone else?"
"Understanding? The woman practically demanded that I love again before she died. If anything, she would be angry at you for making me wait so long!" he says, even as he chuckles to take the bite out of his words.
Jessica smiles, feeling her cheeks grow red.
"Seth?"
"I have a publishing party in New York next weekend. Would you like to go with me? As my date?"
Seth startled, but smiled widely.
"I would be honored, Jess."
"I'll wear my fitted red dress that you like so much," she whispers, giggling at his face as it lights up.
"How did you know?"
"I saw your eyes light up last year at the Christmas party when I wore it."
"And if this is a date next week, will I get a goodnight kiss?"
"Oh, didn't I mention? You're staying in my apartment. In my bedroom. With me," she whispered in his ear.
"Oh my, Jess," he breathed.
Pulling back from his ear, she looked into his warm hazel eyes, whispering again, "I love you, Seth," before claiming his lips. As she deepened the kiss, nibbling on his lower lip, his arms tightened around her and she knew there was nowhere else she would rather be.
She sensed that he would go home soon in an effort to maintain her reputation. But she also knew that at least by next weekend, they would sleep in each other's arms.
Hopefully, he will be able to forget about her reputation soon.
