Chapter 7

I lit a cigarette as I sat out on the porch with my chocolate creme brulee, and my chocolate cheesecake. Dessert for dinner….yum! "Well, the sky is a beautiful place filled with divine retrospectives". "I'm impressed that we live under such an elegant sky". I said, softly with kindness as I smoked my cigarette. "It is impressive…but it also means we're really insignificant". Sailor said. "It means we have no value over the heavens or what they present….sort of like fate". "No one can control fate".

"I understand….but the skies can also be a source of comfort….they can be a sounding board…where we can speak with our loved ones, and reconnect with those we have lost". "I usually look to the skies to see if my late wife is listening…or if she wishes to hear me over the noise". "My late wife is a sounding board for me…she always has been, and I talk with her every day, at any time of day". I said, softly with kindness. "Do you sometimes talk with your loved ones through the sky?".

"I do, but I also pray to them here on Earth". Sailor said. "My mom and dad….my sister are always there…and I always make the effort to hear them, and speak to them".

"They are special people, mom, dad and Ana". "they mean the world to you…and you, them". I said, kindly with softness. "Losing family is painful, but you'll always have the opportunity to speak freely to them". I smiled a kind smile.

Sailor nodded. "I guess so". Sailor agreed. "You always will…and I know that with a bit of hope, faith, and trust, that things will come to their fruition". "Life is a succinct measure of how much hope we have for tomorrow". I said, kindly with softness. "I'm sure….". Sailor said, quietly as she looked away. "Perhaps you are sure….and if you're sure, doubt has no place in the ambiance of being sure". I said, kindly with gentleness. "I'm not being doubtful….I'm just kind of sad, that's all". Sailor said. "Sadness is a feeling that's real". "Every feeling we have is real". "But I'm curious as to why you feel sad". I said, kindly with softness. "I feel sad because my family isn't coming back". "I also feel sad because I felt so thankful for my parents….because they adopted me….and they gave me and my sister a good life". "I just….I'm sad, and I'm scared". "Certain noises bother me, I can't be near certain smells, and I'm scared of being alone a lot". "I'm….I'm…I don't feel safe anymore". Sailor said, with sadness in her voice.

"Do you feel traumatized by what happened…the plane crash?". I asked, softly with kindness. "I do…but it kind of bothers me….why it happened….and how it took away my parents". Sailor said, sadly. "Usually, accidents are traumatizing". "They can leave us with a scar we carry with us, forever". I whispered, gently. "But I know sometimes, the worst things can leave us with survivor's guilt, or PTSD". "I think perhaps what you may have, is a form of PTSD". "PTSD is something that we usually get from accidents, or incidents, and we do carry it with us".

"I know what happened was scary, sweetheart….and while it was troubling, and startling, I can assure you, that we're in a nice, safe, warm place". I whispered, gently as I smoked my cigarette. "We won't be troubled by bad things, or unsafe things anymore". "If anything happens, I'm right beside you, and I'll be prepared to protect you if need be". "You're beside me now, and I'm someone who loves you, eternally". I whispered this, nice and kind as I tapped ash from my cigarette. "How do you know something won't happen?". "How do you know I'll be safe when something could happen tomorrow, and I could lose you?". Sailor asked, doubtful and albeit, a bit scared. My voice….as thick, and raspy, yet as gentle and soft, smooth as silk, surrounded Sailor, clouding, and shrouding her in gentleness, much like the thick cloud of cigarette smoke.

"The world is much safer now than it used to be". I assured, kindly with softness. "The world is a kinder place with much more reliable technology than what used to be there". "I assure you, whatever happens, I'm beside you". "I won't let anything happen, and I'll keep you safe, my darling". "I love you, and I will always love you". I smiled a kind smile.

"Thank you". Sailor said, as she looked away. I saw the disappointment in Sailor's eyes, I saw the sadness. It was time for me to put aside my cigarette. "Come see me, darling". "Let's discuss things for a bit". I said, kindly with softness. Sailor nodded, as she finished her creme brulee. She came to me, sniffling. "It'll be alright, darling". "I'm always beside you, to protect you". "I love you, now and forever". I whispered, kindly. Sailor nodded, as I opened my arms for a warm hug. Sailor came to me…hugging me, feeling comforted as she felt my arms on her back. "Shh, it's alright, darling". "I love you….now and always". I whispered, kindly. I smiled a kind smile, kissing both of Sailor's cheeks, kindly. "I always love you". I reminded gently as I hugged Sailor in gentleness. "Let's head inside now, and see what they have on television". I said, kindly with softness. Sailor nodded, as we headed inside, turning on T.V., and falling asleep. Comfort was the main priority.

When Sailor and I woke up, I stretched a bit….seeing it was long into the night. I coughed up some smoker's mucus. I sent myself coughing as I glanced around, spotting the darkness in its effervescence. Groggy, I yawned, seeing the darkness seem to wane in the presence of stars. I smiled a bit, seeing the stars in their glory. The stars were out, and shining presently.

"That's nice". I whispered, as I coughed a bit more. Smoking cigarettes was the epitome of how I flourished. I glanced around, getting up from the couch. Staggering, I knew I was craving a cigarette. I went out onto the porch, taking a cigarette from the box. I must have good sight in order to navigate the darkness as I lit the tip of my cigarette.

I smoked for a long time, watching the tip of the cigarette glow a yellow color. I stretched, glancing around. I smoked for a long time, as I saw the darkness give way to the morning. Even so, the morning was welcoming. I smoked my cigarette, seeing the relaxation come over me, as I smoked copiously. My cigarette seemed to be ashen with white at the tips as it singed.

I smoked my cigarette in a copious amount as I glanced around. I knew the darkness was a good place to smoke a copious amount.

Sailor came outside a bit later….as she held her blanket close to her. She seemed to hide her sadness….even if there wasn't much sadness to hide.

"Hello, darling". "Good morning". I said, kindly behind my cloud of ashen cigarette smoke. "You look wonderful, darling…I admire your beauty". I smiled a greasy smile that was gapped in the front because of space between my teeth. My smile….it is greasy due to cigarettes, and endless amounts of candy, and soda. Cigarettes do the most damage. "Thank you". Sailor said, as she looked up at me. "Is everything alright, darling?". "How are you feeling this morning?". I asked, kindly with softness. "I'm alright". Sailor said, as she glanced up at me. "I'm happy you're doing well, darling". I said, in a kind, soft whisper. "I'm doing ok….perhaps". "I'm not entirely sure…". Sailor said, sadly as she rubbed her eyes. "What happened, darling?". "You don't sound like yourself". I whispered, kindly with a soft gentleness behind my tender love.

"I don't necessarily know….I kind of….I had a nightmare". Sailor said, with sadness. "It was kind of a bad nightmare….and I didn't sleep well at all".

"I'm sorry, darling". I whispered, kindly with gentleness. "I truly am….I know it's hard as of right now….with the immensity of the grieving process, and whatnot, but I promise you things will get better". "Things definitely will, I can promise you….and I know that when your mind is ready…you'll heal, and get the closure you need". I smiled a kind, wise smile.

"Don't be scared, sweet pea". "Try to remember how much I love you…and how fortunate we are to have a beautiful line of love beside us". I said, gently with softness. "I'll try….I'll do my best….but it will be hard". Sailor said. "It will be hard…in all honesty, it is hard, but I know you can do it". "I believe in you….and I know you can do it…try to relax, think positively, and cry if you need to". "Crying is a good way to release feelings of sadness and fear". "I've cried so many times". I said, kindly with softness. "I suppose it is". Sailor said. "It'll be alright, my Sailor". "Everything will be ok….I love you, sweet pea". I said, gently with kindness. Sailor nodded, as she looked upwards at the sky. "Thank you, and I love you, too". Sailor said.

"What happened in your nightmare….?". "Just out of curiosity". I asked, gently with softness. "well…I was in a room…I guess…and my mom was holding me….talking to me, keeping me close…and then, she went away….like she was swallowed up by flames and this enormous fire". "That was all there was…and I guess….I don't know, the fire became stronger, and stronger….until it surrounded me, and it felt like I was being choked". Sailor said.

"That sounds like a tumultuous thing to dream about when we're asleep". I whispered, kindly. "It was….and for bad measure, I kept thinking about my mom…and my dad". "I kept thinking something would happen to you, and that you wouldn't survive….that you would go away, too". Sailor said, sadly. "Perhaps you might feel that way…and that is a normal thing to feel when we grieve". "I felt that way, too, after the deaths of my loved ones". I whispered, gently.

"I know right now is a bad time….I've had those bad times, too". "It's a time to grieve, to reflect, and to have some doubts". "I've had some doubts, too". I whispered, kindly. "What were your doubts?". Sailor asked. "My doubts fell within the realm of wondering if I could marry again…whether or not I'd be alone forever". "Inside, I was waiting for my wife…for the part of me I had lived for, to come back". "I finally had to accept that she was in another place waiting for me to come back to her". "I knew that by moving on, I wasn't being unfaithful, I was simply having some companionship until she and I met again". "I know Nazz and I perhaps will never marry, because I am faithful to one person, even though she is deceased". "Nazz will never marry either because she has faith in her husband". "We'll keep each other company is all". I explained, kindly.

"I cried a lot, I was upset, but I learned that eventually, acceptance comes, and someone can heal easily and find hope in other things". "It takes time, and healing". "I know you'll get through it….you always do, and you always can". I said, kindly with softness. "I am doing my best…in any way I can". "I'm trying". Sailor said. I continued smoking my cigarette. "I understand, darling". "You're doing a wonderful job". I said, softly with kindness. Sailor sniffled, as she glanced around. "Thank you…I'm doing my best….I really am". Sailor said, as she sounded shaky, and tearful in her voice. "You're doing well, sweetheart". "I'm very proud of you". I said, softly with kindness. I could tell Sailor was ridden with upset feelings and depression in her voice. "Perhaps if we hugged, it would make things much easier to travel by". I said, kindly with softness. "Maybe if we hugged, it would help you to feel much better". I smiled a kind smile, opening my arms to Sailor. Sailor came, hugging me as we felt an embrace. I felt an embrace as I snuggled close to Sailor. Sailor felt the hug, as she refrained…or tried to refrain…from crying.

"It's alright now, darling". "Whatever happens, we'll see it through". I said, gently with softness. "You'll heal my darling". "Trust in what I say". "I know right now is hard, but remember, there is someone else who is a firm protector of our loved ones". "And he is someone who has a pull in every final decision". I smiled a kind smile.

Sailor nodded, as we both looked towards the sky. "I suppose he does have the final say…he knows quite a bit". Sailor said. We both smiled. "He does know how to protect us, and our loved ones". "It's what he does best". I said softly with gentleness. Sailor and I both held a hopeful smile, looking towards the sunrise. "Well, I do have something that might help us along on this specific day". "I have it just in case you might need it". I said, kindly with softness. "What is it?". Sailor asked. "It's just a medicine I have in case you need help sleeping". "I've had it for a while". I said, kindly. "Medicine sounds good". Sailor replied. I took a green and blue capsule from my pocket, handing it to Sailor. It was a little pill in the form of a capsule. Just a little, ovular, pill, with one end turquoise, and the other end dark green. "This usually helps with nightmares, anxiety, stress, and emotional turmoil". "This will help you sleep, too". I said, kindly as I smoked the rest of my cigarette. "It helps me sleep?". Sailor asked. "It does, it helps you to close your eyes, have relaxing thoughts, and slowly lulls the body down so it can go through a sleeping period". "When your body slows down, you can lay, you can sleep soundly, and dream all you wish to". "It helps with people who are grieving, it helps with those who have experienced trauma, and with people who are in a bad place emotionally". "It helps in many ways". "I've even taken it after my parents died". "It's more of a melatonin for kids, though".

"Want to try it?". "It doesn't hurt…I promise". I said, gently with softness, as I blew out cigarette smoke. "I suppose". Sailor said. "I'm not going to get sick…or have to be in the hospital…am I?".

"It won't do anything such as". "It's a melatonin vitamin is what it is". "This helps with sleep, anxiety, mood changes, and sadness". "It's what I took after my parents passed". "Let's try it…and we'll see if sleep changes". "I'll get you your nice, warm nightgown as well, and a new cup of Oat Milk". I said, kindly with softness. I tapped some cigarette ash from my cigarette.

"Ok". Sailor agreed, as she looked around. I smoked the rest of my cigarette. I handed the capsule to Sailor, as she took it…drinking the last of her Oat Milk to swallow it with. "It feels nice, hmm?". I said, kindly with softness as I glanced at Sailor. "It does feel a lot better". Sailor said. "My milk tastes ok, too". Sailor glanced around as she drank the remainder of her milk.

"It feels more relaxing….more nurturing, and calming". "Everything feels nice on it, sweet pea". I said, kindly with softness. "Let's get you a new nightgown, darling". "This one I have for you is nice, and warm". "It's like a soft blanket that hugs, and cuddles". "It'll keep you warm".

Sailor nodded, as she finished her milk. I put out my cigarette, coming inside to help Sailor get dressed into her new nightgown. When I had finished my cigarette, I blew out the last bit of smoke, closing the sliding glass door. "Does this look fashionable, or what do you think?". I asked, kindly with softness. I showed Sailor the nightgown. "It looks nice". Sailor said. "I like the pink of it".

"I thought you might look beautiful in pink". "Pink is a lovely color for you". I said, softly with gentleness. "Thank you". Sailor replied. "Try it on, and let me know what you think". "I hoped you would be warm enough in this fabric". I said, kindly with softness. "I think I might". Sailor said. Sailor went into the other room, as I waited outside. I coughed up a bit of smoker's mucus. It wasn't enough to be a problem.

Sailor returned with her nightgown on. She fiddled with it a bit, but she felt comfy with it. She yawned a bit…feeling the effects of the melatonin in her medicine. "You look so beautiful, sweet pea". "You have the cutest yawn". I said, kindly with a light chuckle. "Thank you". Sailor said.

I smiled a kind smile. "Time for some more milk, then we'll lay down for a while". "Sleep, and watch some educational television". I said, gently with softness. "It is time for milk…but it'll be alright". Sailor said. "Yes, darling….time for milk". I said, gently with softness. I smiled a gentle smile, showing the significant gap in my teeth. My smile, my cartoony, loving, nerdy smile, so close and sensory friendly, one could mess with or touch (don't do that by the way) was amongst many of the prominent things in the misty, creamy, cloudy white of this winter….2002.

"Why is it time for milk?". Sailor asked, as she looked up at me. "Because perhaps…you would like to be comfortable for this afternoon". "For a nap, or a cuddly blanket, or silk sheets to nurture you while you lay down, and enjoy a documentary, or the afternoon news". I said, gently with softness. "Do I have to lay down?". Sailor asked. "Couldn't I just play on my Gameboy or something?". "I don't know".

"You can if you wish…the medicine will just help you relax, darling". "Everything will be ok, now". "I know last night was hard for sleeping, so we'll try again today". I said, gently with kindness. "Please don't be sad, Sailor". "Just relax, and we'll try again to lay down".

"Ok". Sailor said. "Everything will be alright". "Come give me a hug, darling". I said, softly with kindness. Sailor shrugged as she came over, feeling the silk of my shirt, and the comfort of the material. Silk was very comforting. Sailor found it comforting as she laid down on the couch. The news was put on, as she wallowed, and ebbed deep into the flow of the melatonin she was placed on. She felt a deepened, resounding comfort that looked, acted like, and almost was…sleep. Sailor fell deep into sleep. There she slept for most of the day. While she slept, I refilled her milk. I got her some more Oat Milk…some more chocolate for her Oat Milk, and some more salt. For a long while, Sailor was under the spell of sleep. Sleep was a resounding thought for her. It was for me as well. I wound up sleeping for most of the day, albeit a few coughs here and there from smoker's mucus. Well then….what a day.