Author's Note: I really like writing for Anti-Cosmo. As always, enjoy.
Disclaimer: The Fairly OddParents © Nickelodeon
"My, my… If it isn't my imbecilic counterpart, Cosmo," Anti-Cosmo said, his voice so scathing it could slice a butterfly's delicate wings. "To what do I owe the displeasure of your company?"
Cosmo had already regretted coming here and he hadn't even said a word yet. Was it too late to leave? The evil glint in Anti-Cosmo's eyes told him he shouldn't be here. He could see his own terrified reflection shaking back at him in the lens of Anti-Cosmo's monocle. The blue anti-fairy curled his hands around the iron bars of his prison cell, calm and collected in the face of Cosmo, whose heart was suddenly pounding relentlessly. He could poof away, pretend he hadn't come here at all. Somehow, though, the smirk on Anti-Cosmo's face told him that it was, in fact, already too late to change his mind.
"Come now, I may have fangs, but I don't bite," Anti-Cosmo said, his sickening smirk never leaving his lips. "Besides, I fancy I already know what brought you to my superior intellect for guidance."
Cosmo swallowed, his own voice sounding all the more meek and uncertain by comparison as he stammered, "Y-You do?"
Anti-Cosmo's cold demeanor seemed to shift to a sense of boredom as he plucked his monocle and polished it with a handkerchief.
"Indeed," he said, placing the monocle back on his eye. He clearly took some sort of sadistic delight when he said his next words, point-blank: "You're having marital problems."
Cosmo's hand instinctively tightened around his wand. It was absolutely unnerving to hear someone say it out loud, let alone his anti-fairy who made him feel more inferior than any other fairy he'd ever encountered. Except maybe Jorgen von Strangle. That guy never once passed up the opportunity to declare what a worthless, puny fairy he was.
"How'd you know that?" Cosmo heard himself ask, a mixture of fear and curiosity. Could Anti-Cosmo read his mind? After all, Cosmo could barely read his own mind, let alone anyone else's. No, it was impossible. Wasn't it?
"Try not to think so much, lest you hurt yourself," Anti-Cosmo said, as if he could sense Cosmo getting tangled up in the web of his confusing thoughts. "Since I'm the exact opposite of you in every way—intelligent, brave, self-assured, you get the idea—while you lack all the admirable qualities one typically finds most attractive in a partner, I've drawn the logical conclusion that your wife is beginning to second-guess why she married you."
The teasing smirk on his counterpart's face made Cosmo's stomach twist in knots. He knew the guy was evil, but did he have to be so mean, too? He'd heard that condescending tone enough times in his life to recognize how cruel and unnecessary it was to speak to someone that way. And it didn't help that Anti-Cosmo's unwavering gaze only riled up his nerves all the more. Heat rushed to his face as he grew all the more tongue-tied.
"I… I…"
Anti-Cosmo held up a hand through the prison bars. "Allow me to spare you from any pathetic attempts at trying to defend yourself. I shall further explain. My darling simple-minded wife and I are more in love than ever, which can only mean your wife is contemplating leaving you for someone far more dashing and deserving such as… Oh, I don't know, that handsome, muscular fairy she dated long ago?"
A rare spark of sweeping anger ignited deep within Cosmo then. His brows sank and his hands clenched into fists. It was one thing to insult his lack of intelligence, but to suggest that a chauvinistic jerk like Juandissimo deserved to be married to Wanda instead of him was downright uncalled for.
Anti-Cosmo's smirk, meanwhile, broke into a far more gleeful grin. "Oh, my, look at you, so angry. A delicious feeling, is it not? The sheer intensity of it is particularly exquisite. I use mine to fuel my motivation to break out of this horrid prison and resume my plot to conquer the entire universe. I suggest you put your freshly discovered rage to good use as well."
Cosmo could already feel his anger relenting, his usual confusion taking its place as he felt his shoulders drop. "What do you mean?"
Anti-Cosmo sighed at length. "Cosmo, listen to me very carefully. Instead of focusing on all the ways you've been screwing up by being so negligent of your wife's needs, use your frustrations with your own incompetence to figure out a way to remind her why she fell in love with you in the first place."
Cosmo blinked, the flame of his anger extinguishing entirely as he tried his best to make sense of this advice.
"But… I don't know why she fell in love with me."
Anti-Cosmo rolled his eyes, growing more exasperated by the second. "Of course you don't. No one in their right mind would. However, she clearly found something appealing about you, otherwise she wouldn't have married you. Now, then… We can immediately eliminate intellect, strength, and charm, as you possess none of these qualities."
"Hey, pal, that's not very—"
Anti-Cosmo held up his hand once more. "Ah, ah, ah. Do not interrupt me. There's but one quality you possess that some fairies may deem valuable. Being that I am serious about everything I do, you, on the other hand, have no sense of shame whatsoever. And a lack of shame means an endless supply of merriment. Thus, she must have fallen for you because of how silly you are."
Cosmo let these words sink in. When was the last time he'd heard her laugh? Lately he'd been making a lot of jokes at her expense, though Wanda didn't exactly find them funny. Maybe that was why she seemed to be losing her temper more and more with him recently. But, she had to know he didn't mean it when he insulted her. Didn't she?
"You're making that face again," Anti-Cosmo said matter-of-factly. "I take it I struck a nerve? Come now, Cosmo, use your words."
"Wanda…"
As soon as her name left his lips, he stopped himself, realizing his voice had wavered. No. He wouldn't cry. Especially not here, in this dark and creepy jail cell, floating in front of his callous copy whose scornful green eyes were now regarding him with a newfound pang of sympathy.
"Cosmo. Do try to understand. As your nefarious counterpart, my main purpose is to cause pain and destruction for unsuspecting fools in the form of bad luck. That said, as I only exist because of you, you must know I don't necessarily wish you any harm, least of all the emotional turmoil of worrying that you may lose the love of your life. For you see, if you were to lose Wanda, I would, in turn, be forced to part ways with my dear Anti-Wanda. I couldn't even bear such a heart-wrenching thought, as I love her so terribly much, even when she's being a dimwitted thorn in my side. I would do anything for her. Perhaps that's the one thing you and I have in common."
Cosmo brought his hands to his head, which was starting to hurt. This was all a lot of information to process. In desperate need to get away from Anti-Cosmo's eerily steady gaze, he shut his eyes, and a blur of pink instantly flashed in his mind. Wanda. One thing was true, he would do absolutely anything for her. He didn't even have to think about that. It was just instinct.
"Wanda. I… I gotta…"
Anti-Cosmo waved him off. "Yes, exactly, you ignorant boob. Now hurry up and go to your wife already, before it's too late."
Cosmo held up his wand, about to poof away, only to take one last look at the villainous genius that was Anti-Cosmo.
"Thank you," he managed to say before he could lose his nerve.
Anti-Cosmo's furrowed brow softened slightly, and his hateful frown turned up in an almost… kind smile.
POOF!
He was gone.
Anti-Cosmo watched the cloud of sparkling, cotton candy-like smoke appear and vanish in a heartbeat. Dragging his palms down the cold prison bars, he turned away, completely exhausted. He floated toward his prison bed, only to halt when he heard Anti-Wanda stir in the adjoining cell. Ironic that she was such a heavy sleeper she didn't wake up during that entire conversation, yet the silence managed to rouse her from her sleep.
"Anti-Cosmo?"
He quickly flew back to the front of his cell to find his wife rubbing her eyes as she slumped against the bars. His heart clenched at the sight of her, so physically drained and still half-asleep.
"I could'a sworn I heard somebody else's voice just now…"
Guilt swung down on him like a hammer to a nail. He hated seeing her in these conditions, far more frightened and fragile instead of her usual sprightly self. But they'd be out of this horrible prison and back in their castle soon enough, he swore on it. Until, of course, they were inevitably thrown back in here again. Such was the life of an anti-fairy.
"You heard correctly, my sweet. The voice belonged to Cosmo. He came to me for advice because he's evidently been mistreating his wife lately, and he's terrified he's going to lose her."
Anti-Wanda's sleepy eyes suddenly popped open wide with panic. "Oh, no! If them's two breaks up, that means you'se and I won't be togeth—"
Anti-Cosmo reached across his cell to gently press a finger to her lips. "Hush. Don't even think such a terrible thing. I'm not going anywhere."
Thankfully, his reassuring words were enough to quell her worries as her mouth stretched into that lopsided grin he loved so dearly. She took his hand in both of hers, squeezing it hard as she pressed her cheek to the back of his hand.
"I loves you so much."
His heart caught in his throat. Usually he could keep his emotions in check without any trouble, but even he had a weak spot when it came to her. He cradled her cheek in his palm, the weight of his feelings for her pouring out of him without the need of any verbose, poetic language for once, but rather, in a simple, sincere declaration:
"And I love you so much."
And the last thought on his mind before he drifted off to sleep was, Please, Cosmo, for both of our sakes… Don't lose Wanda.
Cosmo had poofed back into the bedroom he shared with Wanda, only to freeze when he immediately realized that something wasn't right. Unlike when he'd left, the room was now lit up, and the bed was empty. A powerful dread swept through him with the force of a firehose. No. She couldn't have left. She couldn't have…
"Cosmo!"
He turned just in time to be tackled by Wanda in an overbearing hug.
"Thank heavens you're all right. I was worried sick! I went looking for you all around the castle, and when I couldn't find you I thought maybe you'd poofed to Fairy World. Where were you?"
When she released him, the relief of seeing her was quickly replaced by his nerves rising again as he sheepishly rubbed the back of his head.
"I, uh…sort of went to Fairy World Prison to see Anti-Cosmo."
"You what? Cosmo, do you have any idea how dangerous that is? Those anti-fairies could've done something horrible to you! What were you even doing there?"
Wanda put her hands on her hips and lowered her brows impatiently. Cosmo shifted under the heat of her glare, but then he stopped. No. He was through being a coward. For once, it was time to be brave and prove to himself that as dumb as he was, he'd never be dumb enough to lose Wanda.
"I was looking for marriage advice."
"What?" She sounded more shocked than mad now. "Why?"
Cosmo drew his hands behind his back. "'Cause I've been scared you were gonna leave me because lately you've been getting really mad at me for making lots of stupid jokes at your expense. I don't want you to hate me."
"Cosmo, just because I get mad at you doesn't mean I hate you."
For the first time in a while, it felt like whatever weight had been crushing down on him, constricting his insides and muddling up his head, was finally, at long last, easing up.
"You mean… You're not thinking of leaving me for your suave hunk of an ex-boyfriend?"
"Of course not," Wanda said without any hesitation.
Cosmo's face lit up with a grin wider than he'd ever grinned before. He knew she would never leave him for Juandissimo. The guy may have been a smooth talker, but he was more in love with himself above anyone else. Still, the reassurance gave him the much-needed confidence to press on with what he also needed to tell her.
"Wanda… I'm sorry for all the times I hurt your feelings with the dumb things I say, like when I call you a nag. It's not your fault you're so naggy. After all, you have to put up with my stupidity on a daily basis. And I'm the stupidest fairy in all of Fairy World. I know that 'cause everyone tells me so. But I also know that I did at least one smart thing in my life, which was asking you to be my wife."
A soft grin played at Wanda's lips, as though she were getting lost in the memory. "You were so nervous you could hardly get the words out, and I took your hands…" She scooped up his hands in hers. "…and said, 'Cosmo, nothing would make me happier than being your wife.' I still feel that way. And, for what it's worth, I owe you an apology, too. I'm sorry for all the times I've lost my temper with you and called you a moron. I never want to make you feel bad about yourself. Because marrying you was the best thing I've ever done. I'd do anything for you, you know."
Her words seeped into his heart like a soothing balm, and his smile was practically glowing now.
"I'd do anything for you, too, no matter how dangerous or stupid. Like being blindfolded while unicycling across a tightrope over a boiling pool filled with pudding. I'm not exactly sure what would call for that situation, but I would do it for you, no questions asked!"
Wanda let out a warm chuckle, and Cosmo's heart did a flip at the sound. He hadn't realized until that moment how much he'd missed that laugh of hers, so joyful and sweet. She suddenly got a playful gleam in her eyes as she leaned in closer to him.
"You know, hearing you talk about pudding gives me an idea."
He took in the sight of her mischievous smirk and felt his eyes widen in recognition.
"Ooh, I'm with you there, baby!"
With a wave of his wand, he poofed in a cup of pudding. They both started laughing as they waved their wands back and forth, poofing in more and more pudding until their laughter eventually drifted away, allowing them to lean in and share a tender kiss.
"I love you," they said at the same time.
And somehow, back in his prison cell, a comforting smile graced Anti-Cosmo's face with the security of knowing his relationship with Anti-Wanda would remain in tact.
