"Hank?"
"Hm?"
"Can I ask you a personal question?"
Hank rolls his eyes and sighs.
"Alright," he says.
Connor takes a long time to ask it.
"... what do you do to cope with your suicidal thoughts?"
Hank watches him for a very long time, trying to read the android, who avoids his stare.
"Well, you know me, Connor. But I guess they just… got less louder nowadays," he answers regardless. "They're still there sometimes, and… I dunno, I still want to die, but I remember some things are worth living for."
Hank expects Connor to say something, but is only met with tense silence. The latter regrets asking the question in the first place.
STRESS LEVELS: 60%
"Why?" Hank urges, seeing that he won't get anything. "Do you… think about dying?"
STRESS LEVELS: 68%
"Do you want to die, Connor?"
The android wishes he had a coin right now.
Hank has scooted closer to him.
"Connor," he says, softer, "you can talk to me, bud."
If you told the former lieutenant he'd ever sound like this towards Connor, he'd give you the middle finger and tell you to fuck yourself.
Connor realizes he's hugging his own knees, curling into a ball to protect himself. Hank has apparently muted the TV given there's no sound other than Sumo whining and sniffing the android's foot.
Connor quickly glances at Hank, only to avert the gaze again.
"I just keep thinking…" he lets out without planning to.
Hank waits.
Connor gulps.
"... it's my fault."
"What is your fault?"
"I… hurt people."
Past Connor would've called them "deviants" like they're not living beings.
"And CyberLife almost took control over me."
He can instantly feel Hank frowning at him.
"Wait, what?"
Connor never told anyone about… her. Not even Hank knows.
"During Markus' speech," he explains, "when I thought I was finally free… she- they tried to control me. I would've killed Markus right where he stood."
STRESS LEVELS: 75%
Connor's vision… blurs, for some reason.
"Ever since that day, I keep wondering if I'm free at all. I wonder if anything I feel or do is real. If they're the ones behind it the entire time. After all… they planned my deviancy. Who knows if they're coming back again? Who knows if I actually end up killing Markus one day?"
STRESS LEVELS: 80%
"That's why I…" Connor sniffs. Something is coming out of his eye. Something that aches and burns. "I feel like I do just ruin everyone's lives, and it would be better if I didn't exist."
STRESS LEVELS: 87%
WARNING! STRESS LEVELS RISING CRITICALLY
Suddenly, like it's reading Connor's computerized mind, an arm is wrapped around him, and a warm body is next to him.
"... but you didn't kill Markus, did you?"
Connor shakes his head. "No, but if I did–"
"You didn't kill him, Connor. You fought CyberLife with your own free will. You liberated all those androids, you fought your evil clone and you saved my life, more than once. You saved so many lives. Do you think CyberLife would care about saving anyone? Would they care about me? Or Markus?"
He shakes his head again. "Still–"
"Connor," Hank's other hand touches his arm. "You are alive."
"Still, Hank, what if they try again?"
"Then you won't let it. You're strong, Connor. Maybe the most stubborn motherfucker I know."
He admits he lets out a little snort, so naturally…
STRESS LEVELS: 75%
Still, the… tears won't stop.
If anything, there are more of them.
"It just hurts, Hank," he admits.
Hank sighs. "Yeah."
He speaks from his heart.
There's something in Connor's mind that feels even more of a secret than Amanda.
"Hank?"
"Yeah?"
"... when I was in that stage," Connor prefaces, "with the gun in my hand… I considered shooting myself instead of Markus. For a moment, I thought it was the right thing to do. The only way to be free."
The silence becomes heavier.
Sumo is licking his feet now, probably as a way to comfort him.
Connor is waiting for a reply. Anything. Even if it's nothing at all.
So, he's surprised when two arms are tightening around him, tighter than he's ever been hugged.
Hank is hiding his face in Connor's shoulder.
"You found another way," he mumbles. "And I'm really proud of you."
His voice breaks at the last sentence.
The android doesn't think he's ever seen the ex-lieutenant… cry.
Connor feels guilty.
He gets it now.
If Hank lost someone else…
"I'm sorry."
Hank is suddenly pulling back with the most serious expression.
"Connor, it's not your fault. You don't have to apologize for wanting to die."
"But I would've hurt you–"
"You're hurting, that matters, too. You matter, too."
STRESS LEVELS: 65%
Connor is the one lying on the older man's shoulder now, as if out of exhaustion. Hank is squeezing him again, rocking the two of them side to side.
STRESS LEVELS: 55%
Connor is sobbing even if quietly. Hank is soothing his back, making sure he's there for him every single minute. In the meantime, Connor can sense Sumo lying his head on the RK800's lap, which is surprising given the dog would've probably jumped on the men to be part of the hug.
The android eventually quiets down, and even so, Hank doesn't let go just yet. And the former is grateful for it.
STRESS LEVELS: 48%
"Connor," Hank calls him, "If you ever feel like dying again, please tell me. If you want to hurt yourself, tell me right away. Try not to suffer in silence, alright? I know how much it hurts being alone, and I know that talking to people helps. It's not easy, but it does." He pats Connor's back. "I'm sure Markus and the others would be willing to help you, too. They're your people, and you're theirs."
The RK800 tenses again.
STRESS LEVELS: 56%
"What if they hate me if they found out?"
"If it helps… Markus would never hate you. He'd do anything to help. If the others hate you, then they're a bunch of hypocrites. So many androids have done things they're not proud of. Maybe Markus has his own baggage, too. That's probably why he welcomes everyone."
Connor thinks about it, and indeed, Markus might be the most receptive person he knows. He would probably drop everything to help Connor if he were in any sort of trouble.
STRESS LEVELS: 40%
"You're not alone, Connor," the former lieutenant reassures him. "We'll make sure of that. You just gotta allow yourself to be vulnerable, like you did right now. It's hard, I know. That's why it's one step at a time."
Connor looks at him with admiration. Hank is very wise and honest, even if he developed a hard shell throughout the years. Connor admires him for opening up like this, for hugging the android, for never hesitating to protect him and be there for him in dire times.
The RK800 smiles.
STRESS LEVELS: 30%
Finally, Hank lets go. They're both smiling at each other, with teary faces and everything. Connor gives Sumo the attention the latter is dying for, judging by his wagging tail. Meanwhile, Hank stands up to grab something from the kitchen… as it turns out, it's a cup of thirium that they customized. Connor thanks him and drinks it, which feels so relieving.
STRESS LEVELS: 25%
Hank and Connor, along with Sumo, watch TV until bedtime comes. Connor doesn't need to ask to sleep in Hank's room tonight. If anything, the older man doesn't want him to be alone, either.
Since the stage, Connor has been afraid of going into sleep mode. He's always scared that CyberLife, Amanda might return.
You accomplished your mission.
STRESS LEVELS: 40%
Connor is staring at the ceiling, clutching the blanket tightly. He looks to the side, seeing Hank's back.
The android reaches him, wrapping his arm around him.
For a moment, Hank doesn't do anything. Connor might sense him tensing a little. Maybe due to… familiarity.
Still, eventually, Hank is turning around and hugging Connor back.
"You're alright, I got you," he whispers, running his fingers through the other's brown hair.
Connor allows it.
STRESS LEVELS: 30%
"I got you, Connor."
Connor breathes in.
And out.
STRESS LEVELS: 15%
He's alive.
