Picture Prompt #46: A sexy woman in a tanktop on a motorbike

and

Quote Prompt #6: "Perhaps this is how we learn silence—an absence of words, an absence of context, a hole in the universe where the truth should be." — Kelly Barnhill, 'When Women Were Dragons'


Absence of Words

~oOo~

Not guilty.

Guilty.

They hadn't believed her, not entirely. Olivia had felt the weight of everyone's sympathetic gazes on her, and it had all become too much. She was done.

She was just done with the NYPD and SVU. She was done with going to court and dealing with what felt like an entire city sneering at her. After everything she'd given to New York, it had done nothing but take from her.

There was nothing left for her to give aside from her life.

And she wanted more out of life.

There was so much noise around her. All Olivia wanted was a little peace. She wasn't going to find that in Manhattan or in the NYPD.

She took a few days to consider her options. But finally, she turned in her papers and took her retirement. It was over.

While William Lewis had taken so much from her, Olivia refused to allow him to take her peace of mind anymore. She deserved to heal. And she felt like a change had to be made.

It took over a month for her to come up with a plan. Olivia wanted to travel and get away from everything. She'd sold most of her furniture and let go of her apartment.

The few things Olivia wanted to keep had been stored at Fin's place. He'd insisted. He was the only person who knew what her plans were.

The only person who wouldn't argue with her or judge her for wanting to go.

Fin had also put her in touch with a friend who owned a Harley-Davidson supplier. They'd worked together to get her a custom Harley Street Glide. It had enough storage to make life simple for her on the road and was a comfortable touring bike.

A long road trip sounded ideal.

Dusty but ideal.

The Harley was beautiful. She'd gotten it in black with a host of enhancements to make life easy for her. For the first time in a while, she was looking forward to the future.

The night before she was due to leave New York, Olivia had intended to spend it alone. She was in her empty apartment thinking about food when the doorbell rang. Two familiar faces stood on the other side, waiting for her.

"What's this?" Olivia frowned when she found Fin and Munch at her door. They'd brought food and what appeared to be presents. "Guys."

"You really think we were gonna let your ass out of the city without some sort of goodbye? It's like you ain't know us at all." Fin offered her a bottle of wine before pushing past her into the apartment. "We kept it to the old crew. Figured you'd be less likely to kick our asses out."

"There's nowhere to sit." Olivia had cleaned out her entire apartment. She planned to leave in the morning. All of her stuff was in storage aside from what was going with her. "Seriously. I'm crashing at a hotel tonight."

"We're not lettin' you spend the last night in the city alone." Fin ended her protests with a glare. "Family takes care of family."

Munch broke the silence that followed. "Any idea where you're going to head first?"

"Somewhere without a beach." Olivia had planned to just get on the road and see what she found.

"What about Kansas?"

"What about it?" Olivia helped them unpack the food. She grabbed one of the cans of soda for herself.

"Got a friend who runs a bar in Ellis, Kansas. You might check it out. Friendly face on the road. Not a bad time of year to ride out that way." Fin sounded oddly nonchalant about it.

"Yeah, with all the snow?" Munch raised an eyebrow when Fin elbowed him in the side. "What?"

"It's March. She'll probably miss most of the snow."

"I'll think about it." Olivia decided to stop them from devolving into an argument.

The rest of the evening flew by. They were all rather nostalgic, sharing stories of the old squad and precinct. Olivia found herself missing Elliot and a time when it didn't feel like the world had attempted to crush every ounce of joy out of her world.

It was late when Fin and Munch finally left. They made her promise to keep in touch. She was teary-eyed when they both gave her tight hugs.

Munch slipped a compact camera into her hand. "Make sure you take the time to see where you're going."

For the first few weeks, Olivia rode aimlessly. She'd chosen to go up the east coast until she hit the border before heading west for Vermont. Munch had recommended a place for her to stay.

It was snowy and peaceful—and she was drowning in her thoughts. She checked out of the hotel the next morning and fled. She only stopped when it became obvious she'd gotten too cold to safely continue.

Finding a cheap hotel off the highway, Olivia thawed herself out and considered her life choices. She was technically running away. Her therapist had suggested maybe she slow down and reconsider the trip, but she couldn't breathe in Manhattan.

She couldn't breathe.

And then Munch had called her. She'd texted with him and Fin periodically, letting them know where she was. But they hadn't spoken.

"How's the snow?"

"Too quiet. I'm currently outside of Buffalo." Olivia had expected him to laugh, but he'd gone quiet instead. "What's going on?"

"William Lewis attempted a prison escape."

"Attempted?"

"He apparently thought you were still in the city. He was shot attempting to kidnap a teenager." Munch paused for a moment. "He's dead, Liv. He didn't make it."

"Dead."

"Yeah."

"John. I…I have to go." Olivia hung up before he could respond. She turned off her phone, not wanting to hear from anyone else. "Dead."

Justice. The ultimate justice. William Lewis was never going to hurt another person ever again. She should be ecstatic, but all she felt was exhausted. The exhilaration from the start of the journey vanished.

After holing up in the hotel for a full week, Olivia was sick of it and herself. She remembered Fin mentioning his friend in Kansas. What could it hurt to ride out that way?

Taking her time, Olivia made the two-day drive in four instead. She stopped more than needed. But she'd intended for this journey to be about finding peace and happiness and not turning it into a race.

Who cared if she only rode for four or five hours a day? What was the rush? She'd find a little hotel on the road, explore the food and area at each stop.

Ellis was not what Olivia had expected. It didn't take her much to find the bar. It was the only one in the small town.

She pulled up outside of the bar, staring at the name in confusion. Bernie's? Bernie's. Her heart started racing while her mind told her to be realistic. It had to be a coincidence.

The front door opened, and a familiar figure strode out with two large bags of trash in his hand. He glanced over at her, nodding before continuing around the side of the bar. He was back in five minutes, and she hadn't managed to move at all.

Elliot started for the door but seemed to reconsider. He stepped over towards her. "You seem lost. Can I help? Were you looking for someone or something?"

Olivia froze. She could ride off, pretending not to have heard him or remove her helmet. She was going to kill Fin. "I'm not lost."

"Liv." Elliot seemed absolutely stunned when she finally pulled off her helmet and turned in his direction. He started forward then stopped himself. "Fin said he had a friend who was...he…I'm so fucking sorry, Liv."

Olivia got off her bike. She set her helmet on the seat. "I...have you kept up with anything happening in New York?"

"Not really. Most of my kids aren't talking to me. Kathy left me. And you know how my mom is. I had to let everything go." Elliot scratched at his beard, which was definitely new. She couldn't recall ever seeing him with one. "This wasn't the kind of life that Kathy wanted to live. A little bar in the middle of nowhere. Did something happen?"

"Something worse than Sealview." Olivia couldn't meet his gaze. She turned back to fidget with her bike. "Though, not as bad as it could've been. I…left the department."

"Oh, Liv."

"I'm not ready, Elliot." Olivia felt like the walls closing in on her like they had in Manhattan. "I need to keep going. I'm not ready to have this conversation with anyone, especially not with you."

Elliot nodded his head after a few moments. "I understand."

Olivia grabbed her helmet and got back on her bike. She paused when he stepped forward and rested a hand over hers. "El?"

"Listen, come back? When you find what you need? Come back and see me. I'll keep a spot at the bar for you."

It was six months later when Olivia pulled off at the familiar exit to Hays. Six long months where she'd travelled the entire breadth of the country. She'd seen so many things and met so many interesting people.

It had taken two full months before a change began to happen. The ice in her soul seemed to slowly melt away. The long days alone gave her nothing but time to think.

To think. To feel. To heal.

She had slowly let go of her guilt and shame. There had been nothing she could've done differently to change the Lewis situation. It happened.

There was no going back to who she'd been. She'd realized she was ready to learn who she was now. It had taken a lot of long nights, tears, and rage.

And somehow, after another four months, Olivia had found herself back on I-70 heading towards a tiny town with one big draw. She'd thought about Elliot frequently, working through her feelings and anger. Her leaving Manhattan had given her a new perspective on why he'd left.

It was late in the evening when Olivia parked outside Bernie's. The lights were still on, but the bar appeared to be closed. She heard sounds coming from behind the building, so she walked around to investigate. Elliot was crouched down, changing the tire on a truck.

"Having trouble?"

Elliot spun around at the sound of her voice. "Liv."

"Howdy, partner." Olivia smiled. That was something she'd found herself doing again. Smiling. Laughing. "Found my way back."

"To me?"

"Yeah." She took a step closer as he got to his feet. "I had to find myself first."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, but somehow, finding myself led me back to you." Olivia didn't pull away when Elliot reached for her hand. She went willingly when he tugged her into his arms. "You have time for your old partner?"

"All the time in the world."


The author of this SVU - Quills & Shutters story will be revealed in October