Before I begin, I want you to know some things about me. I am not naïve to relationships. I have aligned myself to people who treated me poorly. I have regretfully treated people equally as poorly. These experiences, both good and bad, have taught me what I can offer someone. And, until recently, those experiences were all I thought was out there.
Then I met him.
I never expected to feel about him the way I do now. I expected to be introduced to someone a mutual friend thought very highly of. I figured we would play games occasionally, join in some group calls, talk about light, random things and that would be that. I never thought in a million years that the man that harbours you would captivate me heart, mind, body, and soul. I never thought he would know my darkest fears, my flaws, and my parent's names. I never thought I'd be writing him this letter. I never thought I'd be so afraid of losing him.
This letter is not for him though. This letter is for you, his demons. I know you're always there. I see you flare up when we talk about the future, or if I compliment him. I see you plant doubts in his head and make him feel like he's less deserving of what he's earned. I see his eyes fill up with light when he talks about things he loves. I see the smile tug at the corners of his lips and the way he erupts into laughter. I watch his body relax into his chair after that laugh. Then I see your shadow. You cloud his eyes. You sit on his chest. Your weight returns and reminds him of his responsibilities, his ties to why he will never be free to do what he wants.
I have every right to hate you. You know that. Why would I have kind words for something that tears my lover's self confidence to shreds every time I try to build it up? Why would I even acknowledge something that threatens the relationship with the man I adore? He tries to swallow you back but you're still there in the corners of his mind waiting for me to leave so you can swoop in and cloud him. Why would I want something as sour and dark as you around?
You protect him.
The man you occupy has been through absolute nightmares. He has seen things that would turn the stomach of the average person. And you were there to get him through it all. No one else. I have no idea how you did it, but you kept him safe and sane. I owe you everything for that. I owe you everything for delivering him to me in one piece. I will forever be grateful for that and for you.
He tries to please you. He leans on you to gauge his success. He will never feel full, satisfied, or complete until you're gone. You'll never be gone though. You're as much a part of him as the blood running through his veins. You aren't bad. You are not evil. You are his shield in the most frightening form known to him.
Just because I'm here doesn't mean you have to go. Quite the contrary. I want you to stay. You are a reminder that he is human, not a machine as others would make him to believe.
You and I will butt heads plenty of times in the future, that I am sure of. Our goal is the same: to protect him.
I leave you with this promise. I will respect your role in his life. I will not try to banish you from his life. I will not hurt him. I promise to care for him, love him, and be by his side for however long he wishes me. He is enough just as he stands right now.
He has always been enough.
