As a kid, I did some kiddie things and cried a bunch.

Ok, sad and tragic backstory over. Let's get to the fun part.

Hey…

Okay, look, I know I can be petty sometimes, but I like to think I was pretty clear on what I said this time. When I said "Fun Part," I didn't mean "sink my boat, then stick me inside a barrel and hope for the best!" I want some action! Show me up against someone like an Emperor or an Admiral! Y'know, someone strong so I can look like a total badass!

Don't those pseudo-intellectual writers always tell you to start out your stories with something gripping? Do me a solid and write me kickin' some ass!

Fine! Don't answer me, then! Ugh, I swear you're the worst!

—-

Overall, not a good start to my life of piracy.

To be fair, anyone stuck inside of a floating barrel adrift in the ocean because the idiot watching over you from beyond decided to be a total prick would consider it a bad start to their adventure. Even if the boat was already pretty shitty, it still held sentimental value to me, and it was NO excuse to sink it! I don't give a shit if it was meant to move the plot along, I would've found the plot all by myself…eventually!

But hey, at least I have the opening song to keep me company. Pretty catchy, if I do say so myself. Unfortunately, that dickwad is playing it on a loop alongside the opening narration for the extra bit of psychological torture. If that camera guy had a face, I'm sure it'd be the most punchable thing ever.

WeAlTh, FaMe, PoWeR, GoLd RoGeR oBtAiNeD ThIs AnD EvErYtHiNg ElSe ThE WoRlD hAd To OfFeR. I swear to every god listening, if that shitty narration plays one more time, someone's going to obtain my itchy foot up their ass. Speaking of itchy, why did it have to be a barrel? I know the boat was small, but you could've at least hooked me up with something with a little more space! Maybe a crate or something where I could at least stretch in!

But, to be fair, I could already stretch inside the barrel…but that isn't important! I want to be to able to stretch farther than 0.5 centimeters! The last thing I want is to develop some form of arthritis. You know, that shit old people get that makes them super stiff?

Yeah, hell no.

Wouldn't have to worry about this at all if that stupid camera guy wasn't watching. I'd be out of here by now! I probably would've found the One Piece already if it wasn't for his dumbass plot.

Ah well, not even someone as popular as me is infallible to the whims of the plot overlords.

Okay, well, If I happen to sink at sea or whatever the hell, I want whoever's reading this to know…

Huh.

That's weird. I always thought I'd know what to say when I die. I even practiced it a lot. Something cheesy and generic like, "I love you guys," or something cool and badass like, "Even in death, I'm still the best guy your mother could've asked for." It's pretty much a given I'll be Pirate King, so no need to declare that to the world.

Who knows, maybe this could actually be some fun!

Hopefully.