Virdon knew he was in trouble from the way Laisa crossed her arms before her chest; it belied the casualness with which she had propped her shoulder against the doorframe, and the smile playing around her lips.
Her next words confirmed his instinct. "You should really be ashamed of yourself, Alan," she said. "I'm sure you heard every single word we spoke."
Virdon raked a hand through his hair and sighed. "Yes," he murmured.
Laisa shook her head and pushed away from the door to come over and sit down on the edge of the bed beside him. "I don't understand you," she said. "How could you listen to Dehni, and stay put on that bed?"
She couldn't understand - unless he told her the whole story, the whole truth, from beginning to sorry end, and he couldn't do that; it would only endanger her.
Still, he had to try. "Danny... needs to have a vision for his life. One that isn't contingent on mine. Whenever I asked him what he had planned for his future, his answer was always the same - watch over me. Get me out of trouble." He smiled wryly. "That from a man who has a unique talent for getting into trouble himself all the time. I saved his skin more often than he saved mine."
"I believe that in a heartbeat," Laisa murmured. "He's filled with so much rage against the apes..."
"He suffered a lot of abuse from them," Virdon said quietly.
Laisa looked up and reached for his hand. "So did you - and yet you'd rather want to stay with Master Ennis, instead of returning to your friends..."
"Ennis doesn't know what happened," Virdon said, and cursed the sudden roughness in his voice. "Nor does Voltis, or Zatis... and I like it that way. I don't want that... that incident hanging over me for the rest of my life. I need to move on, and I'm not sure my old team would let me."
The way Pete had dismissed what he had gone through had made him sick with shame, even in the privacy of Laisa's bedroom. And Pete was right - something like this shouldn't happen to a man. Couldn't. Or if it did happen, the man should count himself lucky. Because that's what being a man meant, right? Being happy about every opportunity to... fuck. No matter the circumstances.
What happened to Pete was rape. He's right, I have no right to compare myself to him.
Although most of his memory had returned the night before, Virdon still couldn't remember the moment he had fallen from the road into the river - if he really had let go of his own accord. Maybe he had. Maybe he had wanted to stop being ashamed.
"Alan?" Laisa hadn't asked what the 'incident' was, and it looked as if she wasn't going to. He was grateful for it.
"Danny and I can't keep orbiting around each other like that," he said, avoiding Laisa's gaze. "It's not good for either of us."
She shook her head. "If you let him leave like this, he'll never stop feeling betrayed and abandoned by you."
"He's a master of living in the present," Virdon muttered and pulled his hand away. "He'll put this behind him, like he should."
"This he won't be able to put behind him," Laisa protested. "And you know that."
He didn't know what else to say to her. She wouldn't be swayed to his side with the little information he felt comfortable sharing.
After a long moment, she sighed. "I need to get dressed - I have to open the apothecary in half an atseht. There is some nut bread in the kitchen, if you're hungry."
"What about you?"
"I'm not hungry." She didn't look at him as she left the room and shut the door behind her.
Virdon stared at it for a moment, trying not to feel rejected. Laisa had seemed more disappointed than outraged, but from past arguments with Sally, he knew that either sentiment usually spelled trouble for the husband.
Sally. Another memory that had slipped into place, reminding him of yet another promise he had failed to keep. Not just in Etissa, but in this very room... almost. He couldn't decide if the sudden recollection of his past at the last possible moment was a blessing or a curse. At least it had saved him from breaking his marriage vows yet again.
A blessing, then. Even if it doesn't feel like one.
His hand crept to his pendant by habit and found... nothing.
No disc, no leather string, just his bare neck, and the prickling sensation of shock behind his breastbone. The data disc, his talisman, his key, his only chance to find a way back home...
He had probably lost it in the river. Virdon slowly let his hand sink into his lap again. The torrent must've ripped it from his neck; by now, the disc had been carried downstream so far that it would be impossible to ever find it. His last connection to his own time had been snapped.
Pete was right from the beginning. We're stranded here for good.
No - not stranded. Marooned - kicked into the void by Hasslein, abandoned in a future nobody at home would ever be able to imagine. They had been nothing but lab rats in the professor's experiment. Hasslein had never intended for them to reach Alpha Centauri. Burke was feeling guilty over nothing.
But now he couldn't tell him - not if he wanted to stay Taris. Virdon stared at the floor between his feet, unsure of what to do. The familiar weight around his neck was glaringly missing, and he felt unmoored, as if he would drift away any moment.
He was truly widowed now. Sally had died a thousand years ago, and he had lost his only means to cross back over the river of time separating them. Chris...
... he couldn't think about Chris right now.
He was free to court Laisa, if he wanted. But staying in Chubla meant he'd stay Voltis' property. A human couldn't force an ape to give him his freedom... the very concept of free humans didn't exist. Wildlings were nothing but escaped slaves, even if apes like Ennis' mother romanticised them.
And staying in Chubla meant having Zana and Galen around as neighbours. Virdon wasn't sure if he could really turn a new leaf, bury that memory of Ramor, if he crossed paths with his old friends every other day - even if he pretended to be Taris.
The only thing he knew for sure was that he wouldn't be able to face Burke ever again, now that Galen had betrayed his secret.
Virdon drew a deep breath, and rose. He had no idea what he wanted, but he knew that he couldn't brood all morning about it in Laisa's bedroom. Ennis was probably waiting for him - boys at that age usually were unable to hold a grudge for longer than a day. He'd figure out what he was going to do, and in the meantime, he could as well stay Taris. Ennis adored him, and he was fond of the boy, too... he reminded him of Chris a bit...
Virdon tiredly rubbed the bridge of his nose and forced himself to focus on the present.
As long as he was Taris, his place was at Ennis' side. The boy needed a friend, isolated from his peers as he was, and with a father who buried himself in work, who was always absent...
Sound like someone you know?
The morning air was crisp when he stepped into the street, and the horizon glowed a deep crimson, promising more rain. After one glance at the sky, Virdon decided that this wasn't a day for boomerang lessons. Maybe he'd show Ennis how that telescope worked instead.
He might have failed Chris, but he wouldn't fail this time.
The air was cool enough now to turn the humans' breaths into puffy clouds; Zana watched as a group of them slowly jogged around a pen, round after round. She couldn't see an ape anywhere to urge them on, and wondered if this early morning exercise had been their own idea, or if one of the shelter's overseers had decided that it was better to tire them out before fights could erupt. The group consisted almost exclusively of males - vigorous physical exertion was mandatory for their wellbeing. And everyone's sanity.
"Mila! You're early!"
Zana turned around, and felt her smile freeze a bit at the sight of the approaching ape. "Zorya... I hadn't thought you'd still receive applicants yourself." She forced a little laugh. "I'd have thought you had more important things to do with your time."
Truth was that she had hoped not to meet the elegant Orangutan lady any time soon. After her dismal encounter with Alan out in the woods, Zana was inclined to agree with Peet: Alan didn't want to remember his old life. Even if he did, in the privacy of his mind, he would probably continue to deny any recognition of his former friends.
His reaction confirmed Zorya's theory about his accident - or not-accident, as it were; and Zana, berating herself for having been such a neglectful friend, wasn't eager to see the damning verdict in Zorya's eyes.
Well, maybe I shouldn't have come out to her shelter then. The probability to run into her here is pretty high, after all. But she hadn't known what else to do with herself, and when Galen had learned that the shelter was looking for helpers, he had encouraged her to at least consider it, now that it looked as if they would stay in Chubla for good...
"No, I usually don't bother with applicants." Zorya had reached the gate and pushed the key into the lock. "But when I heard it was you who applied as a volunteer mentor, I snatched you up from poor Aska." She swung the gate open. "Come in, I'll show you around, and you can tell me about your progress with your human."
Zana stepped through the gate, her cheeks aching from the smile she had fixed on her face. "I'm afraid there's not much to report yet. He remembers bits and pieces, but they don't add up to a meaningful whole."
Well, it was true, technically.
"Ah, give it time," Zorya said breezily. "It looks like you'll be staying here for a while anyway. I heard your husband succeeded poor Doctor Ropal. I'll have to schedule an appointment for the shelter with him some time. The yearly examination is actually overdue, but I wanted to let him settle in a bit first."
"That's very considerate of you," Zana said, slightly stunned by the barrage of words. "He'll appreciate that. He's out in the prefectures a lot of the time right now, treating the winter fever in humans, and the occasional cough in horses..."
"Ah, the beasties always suffer from one thing or the other," Zorya sighed. "He'll never be out of work, that much is certain." She gestured to her right. "That's our exercise area - males and females train here separately, and the seniors have a separate slice of time for themselves, too. Aska has developed a special program for them that's easy on the joints."
Zana wondered for a moment if she should ask Zorya about her theory that the Kobavasa had killed Dr. Ropal. Surely the news about their latest attack on Galen and Peet must've reached the Orangutan by now, too.
"You keep humans permanently here?" she asked absently. Zorya was probably right - by the looks of it, they would settle down in Chubla...
... One more reason to get rid of this Kobavasa problem before it could claim Galen's life like it had claimed Dr. Ropal's.
I need more information. I need to know why Voltis is turning a blind eye to all this.
So far, Zorya was her only source of information, but as the Mothers would have it, her position in Chubla's society meant that she'd be a fruitful one. Zana would just have to be subtle in her prodding.
"Yes. We only euthanize the incurably sick ones," Zorya interrupted her brooding. "The rest - humans who are too old, or too... damaged to be rehomed, stay here for good. We had one human who was so traumatized that he had become mute. You wouldn't believe the prices we were offered for him - apparently, mute humans are very attractive to a certain kind of people." She scoffed. "Of course we didn't give him away. He works as a janitor here. You'll meet him sooner or later. He still doesn't talk much, but he's the sweetest boy you can imagine."
"How do you keep them busy?" Zana wondered, momentarily distracted from her scheming. "Humans are so intelligent, you can't just put them out for grazing."
Zorya laughed. "No, that would invite disaster! We let them work, which also bolsters the shelter's financial reserves - not that we have a lot, considering the running expenses - and we also encourage them to engage in community activities. You know, storytelling, games, and so on. Humans are quite inventive when it comes to passing their time."
"I saw something similar in another shelter," Zana mused. "They had work houses there, too, and some arrangement with local artists..."
"Ah, yes," Zorya nodded. "The Sapan shelter. Did you meet Felga? She and that other girl opened their own shelter after Felga had spent a year as a mentor here. Bright girl, that one, but oh, what a mouth!"
"I, I did meet her," Zana stuttered, mentally slapping herself for mentioning Sapan. She hadn't been 'Mila' there - she had traveled under the name of 'Alta', and had left town just in time to miss Nelva, Urko's second-in-command, who had been tasked to hunt them down and bring them back to the City for... things she chose not to think about.
Nelva was also the brother of the late Felga, and while Zana didn't believe for a moment that her own involvement in the clearing-up of Felga's murder case would sway Nelva in the slightest towards mercy, it would've certainly motivated him to take a closer look at that travelling group of two apes and two humans... one of them with a pretty rare color, and an equally recognizable limp... and to connect the 'Alta' identity with Dhyendhye Zana, formerly a human behavioral analyst, formerly the handler of two fugitive as-tro-naut humans, now in cahoots with the traitor and fugitive Atiba Galen...
"Mila?" Zorya was gazing intently at her, concern written clearly in her face. "You're bristling - is something wrong?"
News of Felga's death clearly hadn't crossed the passes yet. But if Zana kept silent about it now, she would be in deep trouble once those news did arrive in Chubla. She quickly pondered if she could claim to have travelled through before the murder had happened... but that wouldn't add up with their time of arrival here.
"When I arrived in Sapan, the town was reeling from the shock of... of Felga's murder," she said, then quickly caught Zorya's arm as the Orangutan stumbled in shock.
"Murder?" Zorya stammered. "But why... who..."
"They were accusing her affiliate," Zana mumbled. "But we didn't stay long enough to learn more details." She sent a quick prayer to the Mothers that Zorya would be satisfied with her vague report.
"Halda?" Zorya still looked as if she would tumble over. Zana quickly led her to a bench that overlooked a curious construction - as if a squirrel's nest had been dug halfway into the ground - and sat her down.
"I, I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't consider that you knew her personally. This must come as a shock... I'm so sorry."
"Yes, yes... quite..." Zorya murmured, still looking dazed. She weakly patted Zana's hand. "All my girls seem to get into trouble sooner or later. First Aelia, now Felga - I hope it's not a curse, and you'll be next."
Oh, don't worry about me, Zana thought. I've been getting into trouble long before I ever came into contact with you.
Aloud, she just said, "Aelia?"
"The wife of Chief Voltis. Former wife, I should say. I gather you've heard the gossip about her by now?"
"Actually, I haven't," Zana said, her mind racing. Aelia had to be the chief's divorced wife that Peet had mentioned. The one who had promised him to extract Alan from the chief's household, and bring him to the border of the Forbidden Zone. "I was too preoccupied with my own problem to give it much attention."
"Yes, you didn't strike me as a tattler," Zorya said absently, and Zana resolved to be extremely subtle with her next questions.
But she wouldn't leave before she had learned more about Aelia; she had to be sure that Chimpanzee was worthy of Peet's trust.
"Let me show you something else," Zorya said and rose. She pointed to the low dome behind them - the 'sunken drey', as Zana had dubbed it for herself. "You'll love this - a whole room filled with cute human cubs. I need the sight myself right now."
Zorya led her around the structure to a door that led a few steps down and opened to a round pen similar to the one where Zana had watched the males run earlier. The dome above them protected this pen from the elements, though, and the air was comfortably warm. The rising sun sent golden beams through the skylights and bathed the playing children in a warm glow.
There were almost as many Chimp girls sitting among the toddlers as there were toddlers, Zana noticed. Naturally, young animals were the biggest attraction anywhere - and just as naturally, Zaius had assumed that she'd prefer them, too, when he had created the 'human behavioral analyst' position for her. Back then, she hadn't objected to his assumption - she had just been glad that she would be able to work with humans at all.
But a lot had happened since then, and now it rubbed her the wrong way... probably because she couldn't see them as young animals anymore. They were children... children who were petted and groomed more than they were educated.
"You could give them colored chalk, or starch paint," she suggested. "Young children love to paint and color."
Zorya nodded thoughtfully. "That's an excellent idea," she agreed. "You'll be a real asset for us, Mila."
"Does... that mean I'm accepted for the mentor position?"
Zorya didn't answer immediately; she was staring at the playing children.
"Aelia didn't leave Voltis for Aboro," she said abruptly. "Don't believe everything you hear."
Zana raised her brows, silently congratulating herself for subtly not asking about Aelia. I need to practice this pregnant silence more.
"Even if she had, it's none of my business," she just said.
Zorya patted her hand. "You must understand," she said, "when Aelia and Voltis joined, Aelia was very young - she's several years younger than Voltis. Back then, she wasn't interested in politics or philosophy, or the plight of humans. She was all song and dance and flower wreaths." She sighed heavily. "Voltis saw her and was... enchanted. We all were."
And then you took her under your wing, and had her volunteer for the shelter, Zana thought, and suddenly that young girl was confronted with so much suffering...
"She... changed, over time," Zorya said, and reached for a toddler that had gotten too close. She sat the little girl on her lap and started combing her hair with her fingers. The girl squirmed, but Zorya didn't let her go.
"We need to train them to let us touch them everywhere," she said when she noticed Zana's stare. "Your husband will thank us when he has to examine one of them."
Peet's flushed face popped up in Zana's mind before she could suppress it. Peet, yelling at her in his tiny room in Sapan, and then sleeping in a kennel down at the stadium to escape her grooming.
Well, of course, nobody imprinted him when he was a little boy. Or maybe we shouldn't touch them when they don't want to.
To Zorya, humans were still animals, she realized - even if the Orangutan dedicated her life to their protection.
I'll never fit in... anywhere.
"Over the years, Aelia and Voltis clashed more and more over the question of how to deal with the human issue," Zorya continued. "Voltis sees no reason to change anything, while Aelia has become convinced that keeping humans is wrong on principle. To her, they belong in the wild."
That fit with what Peet had told her, at least. But Galen had said that the Forbidden Zone was a deadly wasteland... Surely Aelia would take that into account? She wouldn't just... dump the humans in there?
"But most of them wouldn't survive in the wild," Zana said carefully. "They've never learned the necessary skills for that."
Zorya heaved another sigh. "As I said, she's still young. Young people tend to be more radical. I'm sure she'll become more... realistic in time. I always say we need to work with what's possible, not try to force what would be ideal. Anyway, I just wanted to make sure that you know that this young prefect didn't play a role in her decision to leave."
Of course not. Zana hoped her face didn't betray her amusement.
"Well, I wouldn't dare to speculate about her current living arrangements," she just said. "But I understand that her son didn't take their separation well."
"Ah, yes, Ennis." Zorya finally released the little human and rose. Zana followed her outside, strangely glad to get away from the pen.
"Ennis thinks too deeply, and feels too strongly, for a boy... and for his age," Zorya said with a shrug. "Life will come down harshly on him, considering his position, and his father's plans for his future. But that is something all young people have to go through, more or less. In my opinion, latching onto your human will only make that transition into adulthood harder for him, but Voltis isn't interested in my opinion."
No, I can imagine he isn't - not when he thinks you're responsible for his young wife's radicalization.
Aloud, Zana just said, "Thank you for showing me around, Zorya. I hope your impression of me will let you decide in my favor."
"Oh, you can start tomorrow, if you want to." Zorya clasped her hand. "I'm very glad to have you here, Mila. I think you'll like our shelter very much. And I hope you'll bring a lot of new ideas to it."
Zana smiled. If this shelter was like any other organization ever, nobody would want to deal with new ideas. "I'm looking forward to it, too. Thank you again for your time - it was very interesting."
Very interesting, indeed. She wondered what Zorya hadn't told her about Aelia.
Maybe it was time for scheduling another bird-watching trip with Zatis.
