A/N: Post-finale story. Sarah left her husband at the beach, confused and upset. She's missing him and thinking she should go back, but then discovers something unexpected that changes things for the two of them. Don't worry, !00% Charah, but with some drama.
Pre-read by Writesalott. She certainly helped me correct a lot of my misunderstandings about a woman's physical state and feelings at different stages of pregnancy. Thanks.
Thanks to Capt LiL for the initial read and then the beta after so many changes!
Sarah's Pregnancy
Chapter 1: Surprise!
Sarah sat holding her head, thinking about this latest revelation. Part of her couldn't believe it. She had to, of course, but at the same time she was still incredulous.
A small voice in her head was asking how this could have happened? Not the physical aspect of it, but how the control, the protection, had failed. That had been answered, of course. She'd been off contraception for two months before being caught by Quinn.
From the moment she'd left Chuck on the beach, she'd felt off. Initially, she'd thought that was a combination of her frustration and guilt.
Plenty of frustrations. She obviously felt frustrated at not regaining her memories, but also confused at how he made her feel. She'd decided that staying was wrong, for both of them, really. He'd be better off without someone who didn't know him pretending to be his wife, but she was missing him and felt frustrated at the opposing thoughts.
The guilt was about leaving the man who'd taken a bullet for her, then gone out of his way to help her, as much as he could, and finally let her go in spite of clearly being upset that she was leaving.
Then, she started throwing up. The first day, she'd blamed the Thai curry she'd eaten the night before. When it continued into the next day, she put it down to a stomach bug, but when it continued for a further three days, she thought she knew the cause and took a pregnancy test kit. That confirmed her suspicions.
So, here she was, pregnant. At least eight weeks because she must have conceived before waking in that bedroom in Maison23. Her stomach was still flat, so it couldn't have been a huge amount of time before that or she'd show more than she did, wouldn't she?
Her boobs now felt sore but couldn't be much larger as her bras still fit.
And these damned emotions! She'd been feeling emotional about Chuck, but that was getting more intense and that must be the pregnancy.
The initial panic at the thought of becoming a mom had worn off, but only to be replaced with a different one. She had no idea who had impregnated her. The thought that she might have been raped while held by Quinn sickened her. She felt unclean.
She'd agonized over that for over a week before deciding she should ask if DNA records could be found for the deceased rogue agent. Then, she realized that alone was insufficient, as it could have been one of his men instead.
The only real question worth asking was whether or not this was her husband's child that she was carrying. She'd asked, and been told that the NSA did not have a DNA sample from him to test against. The only way was to get a sample from him.
She knew that leaving Chuck had hurt him terribly. If she was honest with herself, it had hurt her too, but how could she stay with him? He wanted HER, not this shell of a person. She could never be HER. Never match up to his expectations. Part of her had wanted to stay, but she'd decided that would only lead to failure, and she never failed in anything she did.
She had dreamed about him every night since then. Fitful sleep coming in around waking and wishing he was with her, mixed with nightmare of what she had nearly done back there. However, she'd been too stubborn. Determined to move on from him, in spite of it hurting so.
Now, she was going to have to go back and face him again. Nearly five weeks after walking out of his life. She would get the DNA sample and find out if he was the father.
And if he wasn't? That was another unknown. She had no idea why, but she didn't want an abortion. She would go full term. But then? Would she give the child up for adoption? Or would she become a mother and raise it?
Even if she wanted it, could she bring up a child? An assassin, trained and skilled in taking lives, becoming a mom? She not only felt frightened at that prospect, but also didn't feel worthy of it.
Should she offer the child to her husband and then disappear again? She didn't know if he even wanted a child, and here she was considering dumping one on him!
As she sat there mulling this over, she decided she would hate giving up the child, even to someone more deserving. Hell, she hated doing that with the one she smuggled into the country all those years ago! She wasn't giving this one up to anyone, even if she wasn't worthy.
So, that decision was made. She would go back to Los Angeles and persuade Chuck to have a DNA test to find out if it was his.
If it wasn't Chuck's, she'd have to leave again. She couldn't expect him to help her raise someone else's kid. She brushed a tear away and tried not to think about that.
If it was his, she was pretty sure he'd take her back. She really hoped so. She wanted him anyway, kid or not.
Why the hell hadn't I just stayed?
She leafed through the book in her hand. She was stunned at the choices available. She'd had many names herself, but they were just tiny drops in the ocean contained in this book.
"Boy or a girl?"
Sarah looked at the older woman sitting in the seat next to her, who looked kindly back at Sarah. She'd not thought about questions like these as she bought what she had in her hands at the airport bookstore before boarding the plane.
"Too early to tell yet," she honestly replied. "I just want to have names in my head for either."
"It doesn't show yet," the woman said, "But then it doesn't for a long time on some women."
Sarah hadn't expected to show yet, so wasn't surprised at the comment. "Eight weeks," she blurted out, shocked at herself for saying that.
"What do you and the father hope for?"
Sarah had no idea what she wanted. She'd not really thought about that. Did it matter? "No preference," she replied. Who the father was needed to be discovered first, before any discussion could occur. That was assuming the father was the man who occupied her dreams, rather than the one she dreaded.
"It didn't matter to us, either," the woman said. She looked at the man sitting next to her, fast asleep. "Joe and I loved both of them when they arrived, both Paul and Lisa. They're grown up now and we're off to see Paul, his beautiful wife Jane and their twins, Christine and Stacy. It's been nearly a year since we saw them last." She looked dreamy at the thought of seeing them all.
Sarah hadn't thought about the possibility of twins! Could that happen?
After she collected the keys for the rental car at the airport, she grabbed her phone.
"Hello?" As he spoke, she realized how much she'd missed his voice.
"Chuck?" she asked tentatively. Of course it was Chuck, but that wasn't really what she was asking. She hadn't asked his permission before flying across the country. Would he be okay seeing her?
"Sarah!" he gasped. "Oh god, it's so good to hear from you!" His gushing brought a smile to her lips.
"I'm at LAX. Just got here. Are you free? Can I come and see you?"
"Can things get any better?" he replied.
She laughed. "Can I take that as a yes?"
He laughed too, then said, "Yes, yes, YES!"
She loved his laugh and his craziness! "Just walking to my rental. I'll be with you in fifteen."
"God, I hope I can tidy the place up by then!" he muttered to himself.
She laughed again. "I'm coming to see you, not the apartment."
He suddenly sounded less giddy. "I hope you'll stay."
She hadn't thought about where she'd stay. God, I'm such a mess!
Thinking about his comment, she offered, "If I can."
"Is this a visit or for good, Sarah?" There was no joy in his voice anymore. More sadness than hope. He obviously thought the former.
"I don't know," she replied. She really didn't. He was silent after that, so she added what she felt, "I hope so." She really did.
"Me too," he replied, sounding more hopeful. "I better get started."
She smiled. "See you soon, Chuck."
As she sat thinking about what they needed to talk about, she shuddered. She wanted to see him and not spoil it, but she needed to know, as well.
As she walked up to his apartment… their apartment… her anxiety grew.
The last time she had been here, the place had been immaculate. Her husband was super tidy. So why was he worried about the state of the apartment?
She was sure that he wouldn't have found a girlfriend and had to remove evidence of her being there. Or worse, have to get her out. That wasn't because he couldn't attract women. He was a catch, after all. No, it was because he wasn't like other men she'd known. He would be faithful, even if she didn't deserve it. At least for this long.
So, why the need to tidy? Was he such a mess after what she'd done that he'd given up on himself? She would only find out when she knocked on the door. She stepped forward and did that.
She had to wait longer than she expected. Had he changed his mind and decided he didn't want to see her?
Then she heard shuffling of feet on the other side of the door followed by locks being undone.
She smiled tentatively as the door opened. However, her concerns were realized. Chuck looked a mess. His eyes were red, so he'd been crying. Why?
She stepped forward and held his shoulders, concern written over her face now. "What is it, Chuck? What's wrong?"
"Everything," he moaned. "I had to get my stupid beard removed and shower. I haven't had time to clean the place."
She wrapped her arms around him. "I don't need the place to be tidy or for you to be shaved, Chuck."
He sniffed. "I wanted everything to be perfect for you, Sarah."
This wasn't his fault. "I am so sorry, Chuck. I should have given you more notice. Do you want me to come back later?"
"No, no, no!" he exclaimed. He grabbed her hand off of his shoulder and pulled her into the apartment.
"Chuck, I'm not running away," she said, trying to reassure him.
He calmed down slightly, but then said, "I'm sorry to be clingy."
She smiled at him. "You are a bit, but I did walk out of your life for five weeks and never contacted you. I'm the one who should be apologizing."
She led him to the couch. "I have something to discuss with you, and I need something too."
He nodded. "Is it something bad?" he asked, looking like his world was about to end.
She thought about that. It ought to be good, but it might not be. "I don't know, Chuck. I honestly don't know."
That clearly confused him. He tried to say something a couple of times, but faltered.
"Could I have a glass of water?" she asked.
He leaped up. "Of course, of course." He ran over to the kitchen.
She gazed around, trying to settle her nerves. This wasn't the neat living room she remembered. There were pizza boxes stacked on the coffee table. The top one was wide open with two slices still in it. She noticed it was her favorite topping, vegetarian with no olives. She was tempted to take a slice, cold as it was. The empty beer bottles were less appealing. The smell of stale beer was definitely making her feel queasy.
Chuck brought her the glass of water and she took it gratefully. "Thank you, Chuck."
He grabbed the bottles, three in each hand and took them away. It would be two more trips to clear them away, however, she appreciated the space for her glass after she drank from it.
He rushed back and soon the bottles were gone. The smell improved dramatically.
He then reached to close the pizza box and she stopped him. "Yesterday's?" she asked.
"Top one, yeah."
"Can I have those?"
He shook his head. "I'll order a fresh one."
Her hand on his wrist prevented him moving. "Chuck, please let me have those. I'm ravenous and don't want to wait. And I need to talk, too."
He brought her a plate and moved the two slices onto it.
She smiled. "My favorite."
He blushed and looked away.
"What is it?" she asked.
"I've only eaten veg with no olives since you left. I guess it was me clinging onto your memory."
She moved closer to him, held his hand in hers and looked into his watery eyes. "I am so, so sorry, Chuck."
After looking longingly into her eyes for a minute, he grabbed the boxes and carried them away. When he sat down again, he said, "You wanted to tell me something."
She didn't want to, but needed to.
"Chuck, please don't be mad at me for not telling you sooner about this. I should have, but I've been in turmoil about it for the reason I will mention." She took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant and I don't know if it's yours."
A whole range of emotions showed on his face, from joy to confusion, to anger, to depression and back to hurt confusion. "You've had sex since you left?"
She'd never even thought he would conclude that. "God, no! Was I like that before? Unfaithful?"
"No!" he said immediately. Then, his brow furrowed. "How else could you not know?"
She looked down at her hands, now clenched together. "I have no idea what happened to me before waking in that hotel room."
His confusion disappeared. "Oh, god, Sarah!" He clasped her hands.
She looked up at him, tears rolling down her cheeks. "I don't know if I was raped, Chuck." She sobbed, unable to hold it in any longer.
He closed the distance between them, wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her fully into a loving embrace.
She stopped sobbing after a minute or so, but stayed where she was. She felt better in this hug than she had since she left. Not just warm, but cared for.
She had to continue, though, so she eased out of his arms. A box of tissues appeared magically in front of her. She looked up at him and smiled her thanks
"I have some on hand all the time these days," he said, jokingly, but she worked it out. He'd cried a lot in her absence.
"I really am sorry, Chuck." She stroked his cheek with her palm, noticing how smooth it was. She plowed on. "Were we trying to have a baby, Chuck? Near the end?"
"Yes, we were. We made love only an hour before… I lost you."
"Chuck, that's good news. I really hope it's yours," she admitted. "If we were trying, you must have wanted a baby with HER. I just hope having it with me isn't too bad."
He frowned again. "You're the same person."
She shook her head. "I don't think I'll ever be who you married. You clearly worship HER, but I'm only a shell of your wife. You deserve more."
"Oh my god, Sarah! Is that why you haven't come back before now?" She couldn't tell if he was angry or just shocked.
"Partly," she whispered.
"As far as I'm concerned, you are the same person. You can't remember, but your memories don't make you. You didn't have any memories of us when we first met and I fell for you then. I want to help you get your memories back, for you, not for me. If you stay with me without them, I'll still love every minute of it."
Her tears were escaping again. Through that mist, she gazed at the man she knew she loved. "Oh, Chuck."
He held her again. Being in his arms felt so… right.
He took his arms away and she assumed that was so they could talk more. She missed being in his embrace immediately. She was sure that was confirmation of her love for this man, but that her pregnancy hormones were adding to it.
"You know, I'm pissed that you didn't come back sooner, Sarah," he said. "Why else did you remain away?"
'Oh, God!' she thought and looked away. "Initially, I was resisting the urge to come back because the thought of being married scared me so much. Committing to a life with you. Then, I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough for you and that you'd be better off without me." The tears were leaking now, so she wiped them away and turned back to him. "I'd just about decided to return and give us a chance and then discovered I was pregnant and went into a new spiral. Can you forgive me?"
He sighed. "Sarah, I wish you'd come back earlier. It's been hell without you." She winced at that. "I'm not interested in anyone else and never will be. You're all I want."
"I'm so sorry, Chuck."
"And I could have helped you with this sooner, too," he said. "I guess the next thing we need to do is a paternity test." He sounded more sure of himself as he said that.
She nodded. "It's the only way to know."
He rushed to the bedroom, and brought out his laptop. When he put it in front of them, she saw that the screen was filled with an image of her. Just her, not the two of them. What was surprising was that it was her, not HER. "When was this taken?"
He looked embarrassed. "It's from a Castle security camera from when you were last there."
She was amazed and blurted out, "Not an image of HER?"
He looked a bit irritated. "I keep telling you. You are her!" He calmed down. "I... I wanted the most recent picture I could get of you and this was it."
She couldn't stop herself. Her hand settled on his cheek, as she gazed, once again, into those expressive hazel eyes.
He tore his eyes away and turned to the laptop. His rapid typing was a blur on the keyboard, but soon, he was ordering what they needed for the paternity test, the full name of which was a Home Paternity DNA Test kit. He seemed to know his credit card details without having to go look for them, and that was it. The test kit would arrive in two days.
"Once they get the samples, we'll get the results in three to five days."
She was surprised at this. She'd assumed she would get his sample and take it somewhere that would do the test on the spot. This was a much longer process. However, Chuck was fully behind it and supporting her. It wouldn't be so bad, would it?
"So, in a little over a week, we'll know," she said. "Thank you, Chuck… for everything."
"Yeah." He paused for a moment. "You know that I'd want to be the child's father whether I genetically am or not."
Her eyes misted up again. "That's too much to ask." She couldn't believe how quiet her voice was as she said that.
"You didn't ask, Sarah," he said strongly. "I would want that. After all, he or she will be half you."
She virtually threw herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him.
Neither opened their mouths as they had on the beach, but it expressed her gratitude and her love of this super generous man.
She remembered how his last kiss had made her feel, even though it didn't achieve what they'd both hoped for. It was intoxicating. That was scary at the time, but kissing him now was everything she needed.
As their lips separated, she didn't hold back. She, the woman of action, spoke from her heart. "You wonderful, wonderful man. I thought I'd take the child of some rapist away. That you shouldn't have to do this. I'd disappear again, not wanting the reminder to upset you further. But you, you're perfect. How can anyone be sooo perfect?"
He shook his head slightly, still holding onto her, arms around her waist. "I'm far from perfect, Sarah, but I'd do anything for you. I told you that before. Of course, I'd take this child as readily as I would my own. They'll be yours and that's enough for me." He paused and then added, "You leaving again would kill me, Sarah. Please don't think I could cope because I couldn't."
"I don't have any intention of leaving now, Mr. Perfect." She kissed him again.
Then, she said, "I need to explain my negative thinking more. I realized how much you really mean to me, Chuck, but also how unworthy of your love I am." She held up her hand to stop him interrupting. "I'm a con artist and a killer. An assassin, for Christ's sake." She shook her head. "I don't deserve to be a wife. I'm certainly unworthy of being a mom, but I selfishly want it. I want it all. But more than that, you're in my dreams, Chuck. I want it all… with you. So very, very much."
He held her gaze, looking very serious. "Sarah, you deserve the world. Yes, you did cons, but that was because of your dad. Yes, you killed, but that was under orders. We've had this discussion before, you just don't remember. For me, you're perfect. I wouldn't have you any other way." Then, he looked in thought. "The only thing I want that's different, is that I don't want to lose you again."
She leaned up and pecked his lips. "I don't think I'll be much fun until we get those results. I'm going to be tense until we know."
"So, it's up to me to make it as stress free as possible for you," he replied. He looked into the hallway. "You've not brought anything?"
"My things are in the trunk of my car."
He smiled. "You've still got things here." He looked down at her belly. "I think they'll still fit… for now."
Sarah had ignored the clothes when she'd searched for the Intersect glasses. Well, she'd just brushed her way through them and not really looked at them.
She sat at the end of the bed, having been overwhelmed with all that belonged to HER.
Some of the dresses looked like ones the CIA would have supplied for missions, but some of the casualwear were so her, not just HER. She loved it all. The same was true with the footwear. Some of the high heels were higher than she would choose. Bryce wouldn't have liked them as she would tower over him, but she realized that would never be the case with Chuck because he was over six inches taller than her. The flats and some of the scandals were still her favorites and for them to be here, must still have been for HER, too.
The drawers with t-shirts, underwear and swimwear were mostly personal items, although she could imagine wearing some of the bikinis for some missions. She desperately wanted to remember when she wore each and every item.
Some of the skimpy negligees were definitely for intimate situations with Chuck. Those she definitely wanted to remember! She huffed as she looked at them, just as Chuck walked into the room.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
She turned to him. "I'm pregnant, will go through nine months of discomfort, probably continuing to throw up for much of it, then go through the pain of childbirth. Assuming it's yours, I go through all that without the memory of what must have been the wonderful start of it all!"
He sat beside her, with sympathy, but also love in his eyes. "I know me telling you it was fantastic, always fantastic, doesn't help. We can still make love while you're pregnant… when you're ready." She could see desire creeping into his eyes.
"But it might not be yours!" she wailed, tears starting again.
Chuck replied, "It doesn't matter to me. It will be yours and I'll love it for that reason alone." Then, she was engulfed in his embrace again and just let the pain fade as she appreciated his support.
She ended up putting on a t-shirt and a clean pair of panties.
She looked in the mirror, still marveling at the fact that growing inside her was a new life. Her, the taker of lives, was growing one in her womb. More than a little scary, but she was determined not to take this life.
As she lay down next to Chuck, her husband, her loving husband, she wondered if this intimacy would be too much. Not just for her, but for both of them.
Chuck clearly loved everything about her. Although some of that was hard to believe, she knew she was attractive. Men craved her body. Other than removing her braces, the CIA had only shown her how to put on makeup, manage her hair and look after her skin better. Oh, and improved her poise by teaching her to walk more confidently. She no longer stooped, either when standing or walking, wishing she was invisible. She now stood straight and walked confidently, unafraid of being noticed.
So, she wasn't surprised he physically wanted her and stated he enjoyed sex with her. She wasn't being conceited. She never thought of herself as that great in bed, but this man who adored her, obviously thought she was.
She felt guilty and incredibly selfish not to have sex with him. Especially as her own body craved it. "I'm sorry, Chuck. It must be very difficult for you, having the body of the woman you love lying next to you and denying you sex."
He rolled onto his side to face her. "It was never just sex, Sarah. We made love, expressed how we felt about each other through that physical act." The love he was giving her was making her resolve weaken. "I won't deny that I want to do that again. I'd never felt so good in my life. However, I would never force myself on you. We will get through this together, whatever that means. We can then make love whenever you are ready."
He'd done it again. Made her cry. "You overwhelm me, Chuck. I feel so… loved. So… cherished and so very lucky to have you."
He brushed the tears away. "I just love you so much, Sarah."
He leaned forward and she did the same. They both avoided lower physical contact, but kissed tenderly.
When she finally pulled back, she felt better.
"Go to sleep, my love," he said.
She drifted off with happier thoughts in her head than she could remember, either from before her memory loss or any time since.
A/N: Poor Sarah, huh? The possibility of rape when a female agent is captured is always a possibility. Please don't think too deeply about it or how she woke up without signs that it happened. At least she's back with Chuck, so that's good news, and he'll help her through this trauma. He's determined to be the father of the child either way, so there will be a happy ending. Promise.
I hope to release chapters more frequently than weekly, subject to my beta's availability. There's five chapters plus an epilogue.
If you have the time, I'd love to know your thoughts on this one.
