Elle
When everyone's face pops up on video chat, I can almost forget they're an entire ocean away. Almost.
I don't regret accepting an art internship in New York City. People would kill to be in my shoes. But not having a support network here is hard, and I'd also be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to the day I get to go home.
"Where's Nick?" Tao asks in that annoying offhand way he has that manages to strike right at the heart of a problem. I do my best to glare daggers at him through the computer screen, but he's as oblivious as ever.
"Oh. Um." Charlie fumbles for an excuse that he doesn't owe us, but I bite my tongue. Telling him that would only embarrass him further. "He'll be along." For his sake, I hope that's the truth.
"No rush. Isaac and Libby aren't here yet, either," I reassure him.
A minute later, a doorbell rings out, announcing the arrival of the last of our group.
"Hello!" Isaac and Libby call out at the same time. If I didn't know them so well, I might have thought it was rehearsed. But it's not. They're just that in sync. They even giggle at the same time when they realize what they've done.
I glance at Tao, and we lock eyes through the computer screen. I smile and he rolls his eyes.
"If you're both done being utterly adorable, can we get on with this movie night?" Tao asks.
"Sorry," Isaac answers—alone this time—though it's clear he's really not. And why should he be? Isaac deserves every bit of the happiness he's found, even if the rest of us don't always understand it. We don't need to.
"What movie are we watching again?" I ask, earning an offended scowl from Tao. I know it's just in jest, but I mouth the word 'sorry' anyway. He just winks and shrugs it off. I'd lose my head these days if I didn't have him helping keep things straight, though I suspect he'd say the same about me.
"Iron Man," Charlie answers with a false cheeriness that doesn't quite match his expression.
"I thought we had all agreed Nick wasn't allowed to choose the movie." Tao's eyes flick across his computer screen as he seems to glance at each box, waiting for someone to agree with him.
"Oi! I heard that." Nick slides into view on Charlie's screen, and for a brief moment, when his eyes meet Charlie's, it looks like he's going to say something. An apology for being late, I assume. Maybe an excuse for whatever held him up. I don't know. Charlie just squeezes his hand, and whatever silent conversation is happening between them is shelved for later.
Nick turns back to the screen, and while he's still smiling, there's a tenseness behind it that I don't miss. I glance at Tao, and when our eyes meet, I know he's seen it too. He offers me the smallest shake of his head—so minute, it would easily be written off by our friends—and I know he's right. It isn't our business. Still, I can't help but want to fix things. I know he feels it, too. I mean, this is Charlie, after all.
Nick's voice is light and cheery—a little too much so—as he adds, "I'll have you know that Iron Man is a classic."
"It's literally not." Tao's voice is deadpan and his features are schooled into an impressive mask of indifference. I do my best to stifle a laugh. "I do this for a living, so I should know."
"Okay, well, what does everyone else think?" Nick's gaze wanders his computer screen, lingering on each of us in turn.
"You know I always fall asleep during Marvel movies," Charlie says with a shrug.
Nick bumps him with his shoulder. "You fall asleep during almost every movie we ever watch. I don't think that counts."
Charlie giggles as he leans into his husband. "That's fair," he agrees.
"I like Iron Man." Darcy's face is way too close to the camera as she starts speaking, but she shifts back and shrugs, glancing at Tara beside her. "Lots of explosions."
Tara rolls her eyes at Darcy before turning to the computer screen. "Plus, it's funny. I could go for something funny."
"Ungh!" Tao scrunches his face up and clutches his chest as if he's been stabbed, as if this is the ultimate act of betrayal. "Traitors! The lot of you!"
I can't help but laugh at his antics. God, I miss him so much. Just one more day before he's home, though. What's one day in the grand scheme of things?
"Isaac, what about you? Back me up here!" Tao pleads.
Isaac pauses, looks up from the book we all know he's not-so-sneakily hidden in his lap, and glances at Libby beside him. "Funny sounds good."
Libby nods her agreement.
"Wait. You're not actually going to read while we watch a movie, are you?" Tao is clearly horrified just by the suggestion.
"No, he's not," Libby answers, yanking the book out of Isaac's lap and setting it somewhere off-camera.
"Uh!" Isaac exclaims, but the look Libby shoots him brooks no argument. Instead, he grumbles under his breath, "I'll have you know I was nearly done with that."
"Don't make me spoil the ending," Libby threatens.
"You wouldn't dare!" The look on Isaac's face suggests that this is the real ultimate betrayal.
"Try me."
Isaac does not, because he knows better. Instead, he crosses his arms and settles back against the couch, shooting her dirty looks when she's not paying attention.
"I just want you all to know that I am seriously questioning your judgment right now." Tao collapses back against his seat and crosses his arms.
"Duly noted. Can we start the film now?" I pretend I don't see the withering look Tao gives me, which just annoys him more. If there's one thing that drives him crazy, it's when his dramatics go ignored.
"Yes, please!" Darcy exclaims. She's managed to pull a bag of popcorn from goodness knows where and offers Tara some.
Charlie pulls the movie up on his computer and screen shares with the rest of us. For a moment, it feels like old times. My friends' presence surrounds me, and I can almost convince myself that I'm not sitting alone in our overpriced one-bedroom flat, cuddling with a pillow. Almost.
. . . oOo . . .
"I can't believe you fell asleep!" Tao explodes the minute the credits roll. At least he had the decency not to interrupt the movie with his righteous fury.
"What? Who fell asleep?" Nick's words are slightly slurred as he stirs his body back into motion little by little.
Charlie scoffs gently. "Uh, you did."
"Nuh-uh." Nick wraps his arms around Charlie and leans his chin against his shoulder. "Was just resting my eyes."
"You were not." Charlie laughs and pushes him off again, hitting him with a throw pillow. "You were snoring."
"Now that's just slander!" Nick declares loudly and indignantly.
"Shhhh." Charlie clamps a hand over Nick's mouth as he tries to stifle his laughter. "If you wake Alfie up, you get to put him down this time."
A shadow passes over Nick's face—there and gone again in a flash. "Yeah, you're right." He says it like it's a joke, but the joviality has leached from his words. The atmosphere sours.
I glance at Tao to see if he's noticed and find that he's already staring at me. He raises his eyebrows, and I shrug in response. Whatever's going on between Nick and Charlie, I don't have any insight into it. Only I should because they're my best friends. Maybe I've been too caught up in my career to properly be there for them.
"Well, I thoroughly enjoyed it," Libby says, swatting Isaac's hand away as he reaches around her for his book.
"Is this your first time watching Iron Man?" he asks incredulously.
"Of course not. But I can appreciate Robert Downey Junior's sarcasm."
"But you never appreciate my sarcasm."
"Yes, well, his isn't directed at me, is it?"
Isaac makes a sound in the back of his throat that is somewhere between a scoff and laugh, and Libby sticks her tongue out at him. As always, I'm struck by how perfect they seem for each other. Isaac didn't meet Libby until our late twenties, but it's hard to imagine there was ever a time when she wasn't there.
Darcy clears her throat and—in true Darcy fashion—pauses to wait for the attention she so clearly deserves before making her proclamation. "I think I would make an amazing Iron Man—"
"Woman," Tara interjects, not that it slows Darcy down any.
"—and here's why." Darcy takes a deep inhale in preparation, but it's cut short as Tara covers her mouth with her palm.
"Darcy, no." Tara attempts to derail the building tirade, but all she succeeds in doing is sending them both crashing to the floor. They disappear out of view, but the sound of their laughter is still unmistakable and loud.
"All I'm saying is there isn't any real cinematic merit to the Marvel universe," Tao says over all the background noise, seizing the moment for the rant I know he's been dying to launch into since the movie started. "It's all smoke in mirrors. There isn't any depth to it."
Isaac catches my gaze and rolls his eyes at me. "Okay, we're going now, then," he interrupts before Tao can build up steam. "See you same time next month. Bye!"
He doesn't wait for an answer before his camera goes dark. I can just imagine him valiantly arguing for his book back, and Libby doing her best to hold out before she inevitably gives in.
"We should go, too. Long day tomorrow," Tara explains, reappearing on camera just long enough to say farewell before it too goes black.
Tao and I lock eyes, and my stomach flutters the way it does every time I see him. His lips quirk up in a half-smile, the one I know he reserves for me.
"See you tomorrow?"
I know it's a question, but it sounds like a promise. Maybe it can even be both. English is funny like that sometimes.
"It's a date."
Tao scoffs playfully. "Fine, but this one's on you. And I'll have you know, I am not a cheap date."
"Oh, I know." I laugh as he clutches his chest and huffs as if I've mortally wounded him. "But you're worth every penny."
"Of course I am." Tao pauses like there are a thousand other things he wants to say. I can see it in his eyes. It happens every time one of us goes away. Instead, he looks down for a moment, flashes me a smile, and says, "Love you."
"Love you, too. Bye." I wave feebly, a move I realize too late probably looks incredibly lame. Thankfully, he closes his camera without a comment and spares me an examination of my cheesiness. Trust me, I'm already well aware of it.
There are only two of us left now, and when I glance at Charlie's screen, he's exchanging goodnights with Nick, who looks dead on his feet. I'm not surprised he fell asleep during the movie. They still look every bit in love, but there's a tension in the way their goodnights are clipped and quick that didn't used to be there when we were teenagers. They don't linger the way they used to—as if being apart was a great hardship. Love is hard, though. Time changes everything, and not always for the better.
I do my best to give them some amount of privacy, pretending to fiddle with something on my coffee table. I don't look up again until Charlie clears his throat, and I find him smiling with all his attention on me now. He wears his weariness in bags under his eyes, but then again, don't we all these days? Tension hunches his shoulders, even as he flashes a genuine Charlie smile that crinkles his eyes.
"Are you okay, Charlie?" I blurt out before I can stop myself. Not the smoothest way to start a conversation, I admit. Perhaps I'm a little too used to the bluntness of New Yorkers.
"What? Yeah, of course." His brow furrows like it's the silliest question I could have asked, but I don't miss the way his hands fidget in his lap. I want to ask him again, to tell him that it's okay not to be okay, but I know better. Charlie has never done well with being pushed, especially as far as his feelings are concerned.
"Well, if you ever need to talk, for any reason, you know I'm here, right?" I pause, hyper aware of the distance between us. "I mean . . . not here here. Physically. But you can always talk to me."
"Yeah, I know."
I want to point out that even though his words say one thing, he's now facing away from me, refusing to make eye contact, fidgeting with his hands. His body language doesn't exactly inspire confidence on my part, but I also don't want to pry.
I finally decide to pretend like I believe him for even a second and offer him a small nod. "Okay. Good."
"What about you? Are you all right?"
"Yeah, of course." As soon as the words leave my mouth, I feel a chasm open between us. It's wider than the Atlantic Ocean and infinitely more vast. Worse, it's something of my own creation, a woman-made natural disaster. How can I ever expect Charlie to be honest with me if I'm not willing to do the same with him?
"Well, actually . . . No," I admit, worrying at the hem of my jumper. "I just . . . really miss you guys."
"Awww, Elle, we really miss you, too."
"Yeah, but it's different for you all. You've got each other just a short drive away, and I've just got Tao." Except . . . not even that right now, because Tao is several states away at a major gaming conference. Which isn't forever, but it sure feels like it right now.
It's not like I don't have friends, either, but finding friends as adults can be tricky. It's not as easy as when I met Charlie and Tao and Isaac. Adults have so many messy, complicated things going on in their own lives to prioritize that sometimes friendship falls by the wayside. Not maliciously or intentionally, but simply as a survival mechanism.
"I just . . ."—I pick at a loose thread on the couch to avoid making eye contact— "don't know if I can do this."
"Do what? Art?" Charlie laughs, but it doesn't sound unkind. "I don't know if you've noticed, but art is kind of your thing."
"I mean, obviously I can do art. Have you seen my paintings?" We share a laugh and it feels like old times again. Charlie has a way of bringing that out in the rest of us. "I just mean . . . I don't know . . . adulthood?"
"You're the Elle Argent. You can do anything." Charlie says it with such confidence that I want to believe him. "Even adulting."
A knot tightens in my gut, but I put on my best mask so he won't know. "Right. Of course."
Except, these days, I'm not sure I can do anything right, and that's the problem, isn't it? New York was supposed to be my big break, but this work is stifling my creativity, and the city feels oppressive, not freeing. This internship was meant to open doors, but I'm sitting on a stack of unsold paintings, failed job applications, and near-misses. Plus, I'm alone. Tao's alone, though he'd never say so or complain, because he's an incredibly supportive husband, which only pisses me off more because he shouldn't feel like he has to hide his feelings on account of me.
Maybe . . . it was all a mistake. Not my career, necessarily, just this branch of it, like a misstep on the path to my final destination . . . whatever that is. Everyone had led me to believe that I would have everything figured out by this stage of my life, like thirty was some magical milestone where things would start to make sense. But they don't. Maybe it's time to regroup and decide what I really want from my life. Is your early thirties too late for a career change?
"We should get some sleep. It'll all look better in the morning," Charlie whispers. I can't decide if he's saying it for my sake or for his. Maybe for the both of us.
"Good night, Charlie."
"Night, Elle."
The screen goes dark, and I'm alone again. Thoroughly alone. Even though I'm hours behind the others, dusk is already falling, painting my flat in shades of grey. The only light filters out from the dimmed computer screen still sitting on my coffee table. I stare at it, willing it to give me an answer—any answer.
Finally, I pull it into my lap and open up a new browser. With one last long breath, I calm my nerves and start looking for some sort of direction for my life. Google, don't let me down.