A/N - This chapter is unedited. Please let me know if you see any issues or where you think the story might drag.
Let me know if you continue to see any issues with consistency, language/usage, or just too much information. This story will be published on Kindle and Kindle Unlimited at some point once it is finished (new target: September 10?).
Chapter 32
The following morning, Elizabeth sat in their study, attempting to organise her thoughts. She tried to write at least the draft of a letter to her parents to show her aunt when she came to visit but found the right words difficult to find. After some time, she sought her husband's presence to aid her as she wrote.
"How do I say that I am willing to accept your apology, but I am still not ready to forget the years of abuse and neglect, and I am most definitely unwilling to let my child be around you until I am certain you have truly changed?" Elizabeth asked him as she moved to sit in his lap.
Darcy chuckled as she settled herself. "You can be quite feline at times, my love," he complained. Then he considered what she had said. "Well, I believe that is quite the mouthful to write in a letter. Do you believe it is necessary to say all of that directly? And have you invited your aunt here for tea?"
Elizabeth sighed, feeling frustrated with her forgetfulness. "No, I forgot I needed to do that first," she admitted. "I should do that before I write even a draft of a letter to my parents. I thought I could start by putting my thoughts on paper, but I could not find the right words. That made me forget my first purpose was to write the note to my aunt. I hate this period when my mind always feels so foggy."
He smiled and laughed again. "So, you are admitting to it now? You are ready to say definitely that you are with child?" he asked.
"No, I am not ready to say that, William; it is much too early. We will not know for certain until the babe quickens; that will not happen for months. Remember, while we have faith, it is just a guess until he or she makes their presence known. Now, I need to send a note to my aunt inviting her for tea before I forget?"
Moving back to her chair at the small writing desk beside his, she immediately wrote the note and sent it with a footboy, who was instructed to wait for a response. While she waited, Elizabeth worked on her other correspondence, writing acceptances and refusals to several upcoming events and noting the dates on her calendar. As she and her husband worked on their tasks, they would occasionally speak to ask each other a question or to solicit an opinion.
They were in the midst of a lively debate regarding a proposed investment when the boy returned with a positive response to their invitation for the morrow. Mrs Gardiner would join them for tea the following morning. Mr Gardiner would accompany her, as he had business with her husband, and Kitty wanted to spend the morning with Georgiana so that she would come as well.
The Gardiners arrived early the following day for tea. Gardiner and Darcy retreated to the study to discuss the business venture Gardiner had proposed while the ladies settled in the drawing room for tea and conversation. Oddly, it was Kitty who opened the discussion of their mother with the news of a letter she had received from that lady.
"Lizzy," she began, "I received the oddest letter from Mama. In it, she apologises for being a poor parent and for not teaching me to behave as a gentlewoman should. I had written to her about the dinner party you hosted when I visited for a few days, and in response, she wrote this in reply." Kitty held up the letter as if to illustrate. "I admit, I am astonished, as I would never have imagined Mama could write a letter like this. And it seems such an odd response to my description of a dinner party."
Elizabeth sighed. "This is why I asked you to come today, Aunt," she admitted as she turned toward that woman. "We received letters from Longbourn, from both Papa and Mama. It was the longest letter I have received from Papa since we last saw him eighteen months ago and the only letter I have received from Mama in that time. It contains the apology we demanded, but I have wondered about the timing of it. Frankly, I am surprised she did not make any effort to write once I had given birth to Alex, and now, more than a year after that event, she writes a letter of apology because my Aunt Phillips has been reading to her from the society pages. By the way, they also believe that one rag's columnist is Caroline Bingley — Aunt Phillips says she detects her 'superior tone' in the writing."
That last report drew a laugh from all involved, but it was short-lived as they all considered the letters from Longbourn. "What exactly did your mother say, Lizzy?" As Elizabeth seemed reluctant to respond, the younger girls seemed to recognise that this was not a conversation intended for them, and they excused themselves to the music room.
Once they were gone from the room, Elizabeth spoke to her aunt. "Oh, a lot about what she read in the paper and how surprised she was to learn that I have become a 'celebrated hostess.' Of course, that is due to her excellent training in the art, but apparently, it was that that made her admit that she did a poor job in other areas. She told me she was proud of me, which I confess did affect me greatly when I first read it, but soon, I began to wonder what exactly her intentions were."
Mrs Gardiner nodded. "What are you thinking?" she inquired.
"I have no idea, Aunt," Elizabeth confessed with a laugh. "At first, I was so affected by her words that I descended into tears, but once I had a moment to think about it, I began to question why she would choose to do so now. Is she apologising because she is truly sorry for what she has done or because she has heard me spoken of in the gossip columns and seeks to align herself with me now so that she might benefit from the association? I cannot help but think she hopes that by reconciling herself to me, she can benefit from my position in society or if she thinks I will invite her to town."
"Do you want to see her?" her aunt probed.
"Not really," Elizabeth admitted. "I was never particularly close to her; I was always her least favourite. I have not missed hearing from her since we stated we would no longer receive her letters, but for the six months before that, her letters consisted of demands and suggestions that I had no intention of following. After we visited in July two years ago, her letters became insulting, and I did not respond to those at all. You and Lady Matlock have taken the role of grandmother to Alex and any other children we have, so they will not lack in any way. I do not know how to respond." Elizabeth stopped, taking several moments to think about what to say next. Knowing her well, her aunt knew to wait for Elizabeth to speak further.
"I can forgive her for her actions, but an apology will do little to restore things between us. In truth, we have never had a normal mother-daughter relationship, or at least, not that I ever recall. I was struck by her telling me she was proud of me because it was the first time I could recall her making such a positive comment about me. Restoration is not possible when there is nothing to restore," Elizabeth sighed.
Her aunt reached over to take her hand. "I saw how your mother always treated you and understand what you mean. Your mother always seemed to value Jane and Lydia above you and had little time for you. Nor did she ever have a good word to say about you before you wed; I understand how difficult it will be for you to forgive her enough to let her around her family. You want to see evidence that she has truly changed before you are willing to accept her back into your life."
Elizabeth nodded her agreement. "I confess, I expressed many of these concerns to William upon reading what Mama had written. The fact that she came to this realisation after reading of my success makes me question it that much more, and if I am frank, it makes me a little angry that she has chosen now to accept me. It seems as if the reports of my success are what has made the difference, not anything that I have truly done. The ton has accepted me, so she desires to do the same." Elizabeth sat there for several minutes thinking, and knowing her well, her aunt allowed her time to think. "I have wanted to hear that my mother was proud of me my entire life, but it seems she has only offered her approval because others have done so. How can I trust that? If the ton were to turn against me, would she do the same? I suppose that makes it so hard for me to accept or know how to respond."
"Will you reply to her?" her aunt gently prodded.
"I think so, but I will take some time to think about my response," she said. "I have written a draft, and I wanted to show it to you to ask you what you think. I still think I may wait a week or two before I respond. We have already waited to read the letters since we received a packet from Longbourn nearly a week ago with all the letters, including those from the steward and Mrs Hill. Mrs Hill says she has been more reflective of late, especially after Mrs Phillips has visited. Papa remarked on her sudden desire to read the newspapers each day and said they have spoken to me frequently of late."
"Does that make you more or less willing to accept her apology?"
"I fully intend to accept her apology now that she has offered it. I can do no less," Elizabeth replied. "However, I cannot be as certain I would invite either of my parents into my life again. How would my mother react to Alex? How would Papa? If I have a girl, how will they treat her? Will they favour one of my children over another?" Elizabeth paused for several moments before she began again. "I learned many lessons in parenting from my parents, and nearly every one of them are behaviours I would not wish to emulate. What kind of grandparents would they be if they were such terrible parents? They seem to be aware of the mistakes they made with my sisters and me, but how will they remedy them? What will happen when Lydia is finished with school and returns home? Kitty is content to remain here in London, but will they attempt to persuade her to return to Longbourn so they can make up for all the ways they have been terrible parents? I have so many questions that I would like to ask them, but then, that would require me to be in their presence again, which is something I am not ready to do."
"Give it time, Elizabeth," her aunt advised. "You do not have to decide today. Let me read what you have written, and I will offer advice if I have any. I think you are correct to go slowly, and I recommend that you write to them for some time before you even consider seeing them again."
"Once we leave London, we will not return for some time. We will not be returning in the autumn, at least, we will not if it is as we suspect and I am again with child," Elizabeth replied, her voice trailing off as she spoke of their suspicions.
Her aunt's face broke into a wide smile. "That is wonderful, Lizzy. I confess I had suspected, seeing how emotional you were, and, well, there were other small indications, but I had not wanted to say anything. Do you know how far along you might be?"
"I have missed my courses for two months in a row. I expect to feel the quickening sometime in July if I am indeed with child," Elizabeth said. "However, William and I are cautious not to speak of it too much. We … we believe I may have lost a child around Christmas. I had missed my courses for one month, and then suddenly, unexpectedly, I began to bleed rather heavily. It lasted longer than usual, and when I consulted with Mrs Reynolds, she expressed concern that I may have miscarried. We had only begun to suspect …" Elizabeth broke off as tears filled her eyes.
Darcy and Gardiner returned to the room just then. He immediately went to his wife and knelt in front of her. "What is it, dearest?" he asked, taking her hands in his. "Are you well?"
"I am well, my love," she reassured him. "I was merely speaking to my aunt about" — she paused to breathe deeply — "I was telling my aunt about the loss we experienced at Christmas. We have spoken about it to so few, and I know my aunt would understand."
He pulled her into his embrace. "You are well?" he asked again, feeling her nod against his chest. He also felt her tears as they wet the front of his shirt, and continued to hold her until she pulled back. They nodded at each other in silent communication before they both turned to the older couple. Darcy had already spoken of these things to Gardiner on another visit, as he had needed to speak with another man about their loss and had not felt he could speak to his uncle about the matter.
"What have you and my wife decided to do about your parents, Lizzy?" Gardiner asked after the Darcys seemed to have recovered and all four were seated. Darcy and Elizabeth were on the settee, his arm draped around her shoulders as he gathered her into his embrace. The Gardiners were inclined to overlook this breach of propriety within the family party because it was obvious that Elizabeth needed the comfort of her husband for this conversation.
"I will write them both, or rather, we will each write to my parents," she said, turning slightly to look at her husband. "However, I am not ready to see them and am not certain when, or if, I will ever be ready to be in their presence again. It will take considerably more than just one letter to persuade me to allow them in my life and even more to allow them around my children. I … I would not want my children to experience what I did; I will not allow them to overlook one child while favouring another. As I said to my aunt, what I learned from my parents was how not to parent my child, and I have little faith they will be better as grandparents."
"That is a harsh assessment, but I believe it may be warranted in this case," Gardiner replied after a moment. "Your mother was frequently difficult and rather harsh in her assessment of you, and your father was indolent and permitted your mother far too much latitude without being willing to correct her. They are both finally aware of their failings, but that does not mean they have tried to remedy them, as they are still allowing you and your husband to care for their unmarried daughters. Darcy told me the letters you received offered an apology for their poor decisions but did not make any overtures toward restoration."
Elizabeth nodded. "No, nothing was said about any visits between us and them, not that I would be inclined to do so regardless. Kitty did not indicate that her letter from Mama suggested she return home."
Mrs Gardiner agreed. "You are correct. Kitty was so surprised by the letter she asked me to read it to confirm that it truly said what she thought it did, and it mentioned an apology but nothing about Kitty returning home. She mentioned at least twice that Kitty should 'take every opportunity to enjoy herself' while in London."
"I wonder if any other of my sisters have received a letter," Elizabeth asked. "It is too soon for us to have heard from Mary, but a letter could have arrived from Lydia by now, and Jane is here in town. Do you think she wrote to either of them, or did she only write to the middle daughters she overlooked?"
"Jane has not visited of late — she is growing closer to her confinement and has been rather miserable as London has grown warmer. Unfortunately, she is already miserable, and she still has several months to go, and the heat and smell in London will only worsen," Mrs Gardiner said.
"It is a shame that Pemberley is too far away for Jane to travel there. I would suggest Rosings, but I would not want to impose on Richard so soon after his marriage," Darcy said. Shortly after Mary's wedding, Mrs Martin, who had served as both governess and companion to all three of the youngest Bennet girls at various points, resigned from that position. No one in the family was surprised when, shortly after that occurred, Richard Fitzwilliam, the Master of Rosings, proposed to Mrs Martin and was accepted. While Lord and Lady Matlock had initially protested the connection, when faced with their son marrying a gentlewoman who had briefly been in service to him not marrying at all, they chose to support the marriage. That marriage had occurred earlier in the year in a private ceremony at Matlock House. The Darcys had not been included in the guest list, mainly because Richard had been impatient and unwilling to wait any longer to make the widow his bride.
Mrs Gardiner promised to send a note to Jane to ask, and she and Elizabeth planned to call on her soon. Elizabeth had visited Jane on occasion since they arrived in London, but the demands on Elizabeth's time frequently made these visits difficult. The two couples opted to change the topic away from the Bennets and began to discuss the Gardiners' plans to visit Pemberley again this summer. Gardiner was starting to contemplate purchasing an estate of his own and hiring a manager to run his businesses to give him more time to spend with his family. Darcy offered assistance, and the two cheerfully discussed possibilities, with their wives providing additional input.
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