XVII. A Hundred Times a Therapist was Needed

I was working on my mental shield and pathetically failing, when my little cell phone rang. I launched myself across the bed, scrambling to grab and flip open the phone like a mad woman. "Damn it, Alice," I hissed, "It's like four in the morning. You better hope Charlie doesn't wake up and catch me." Not that I was worried about getting in trouble, but I was avoiding having a serious conversation about the lack of sleep I'd gotten this whole week. Plus, if Edward got me those sleeping pills like he said, then tonight would be the last night I'd have to deal with this bullshit.

"Don't worry, I checked ahead of time. He's still asleep," Alice's cute voice chimed into my ear.

"Oh, okay. Um, so is everything alright? How's Biloxi?" I asked, shifting awkwardly. "How's Biloxi?" Seriously? I'm an idiot.

"I don't know...I guess it's hard to imagine this is where I grew up," she admitted, her cheerful voice tinged with uncertainty. "I thought coming here, seeing it for myself would somehow jog my memory. But...there's nothing."

I thought I heard the sound of crashing waves in the distance and shuddered. "Maybe it's for the best."

"Yeah, maybe," she allowed. "I found everything you said I would find."

"Already?"

"Yes. The weather is nice out here, so Jasper and I were only able to do our research at night, but it didn't take long. There's not a whole lot to find."

I hummed, "I see."

"I went through all the old newspapers on microfiche, but my family wasn't mentioned often. My parents' engagement was there, as was Cynthia's. My birth was announced...and my death." The ache in her voice was reminiscent of my own. She continued, "I found my grave. And I filched the admission sheets from the asylum archives. The date on the admission and the date on my tombstone are the same."

My heart convulsed with empathy. "I'm sorry," I whispered, closing my eyes, briefly imagining what my own tombstone might look like, before abruptly shoving the thought aside. "Did you meet your niece?"

Her voice brightened. "No, but I did see her from a distance. She has a whole family―a husband, kids, and grandbabies."

"They're your family too," I pointed out.

"No, I don't think so." She said the words slowly, as though for the first time. "My family is Jasper. It's Edward, and Rose, and Esme, and Carlisle, and Emmett. It's you. You guys are my family."

Her inclusion of me was unexpected, but not unwelcome.

"You know, it's okay Alice, to have more than one family," I quietly suggested, "It doesn't mean you love Jasper or the Cullen's any less. It just means you've made more room in your heart for the people Cynthia left behind. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging them as your family, even if it is only from afar." The hypocrisy of my words left me unbalanced. But Charlie and Renée were different―I hadn't gone looking for them, they had been thrusted upon me. I didn't want to make room for them.

"I...I didn't think about it that way. That's a nice way to see it," she laughed, a cheerful tinkling sound. "Thank you, Isabella. For everything."

"I'm glad I could help. When are you guys coming home?" I asked, relaxing back against my pillow.

"Soon. Sunday at the latest," she said thoughtfully. In the following quiet, I heard what sounded like rushing water. Could I be imagining it?

"Alice, where are you right now?" I asked, warily sitting up.

"After finding the asylum, we came back to Biloxi. I wanted to see it in more detail. We're currently by the beachfront."

―dark, cold, wet, Ican'tbreathe―

"Ah, I see," I cleared my throat.

"Isabella? Is everything alright?"

"Uh huh. Um, I should probably go now. Charlie will be up soon." A glance towards the clock revealed that to be true. Oh, good. Alice is the last person I could fool.

"Oh, alright." I pretended not to hear the disappointment in her voice. "I'll see you soon."

"Bye," I whispered and snapped the phone shut.

I collapsed with a frustrated huff. It was just beach waves. I can't believe I freaked over waves. Damn it.

I didn't get up for a long time after.

Perhaps that should have been a sign that today wouldn't be any easier. If I had realized that, I would've stayed in bed and called it a day. Instead, I forced myself to get up once I heard Charlie leave. Everything was routine: Edward picked me up, I attended class, I gossiped with Jessica, etc.

When lunch rolled around, Edward and I made a detour back to his car. After the fiasco of sitting with his family on Monday, we'd decided to completely ditch the lunch room for something more quiet, where curious eyes couldn't dig holes into the back of my head.

Rock music quietly blasted from the stereo and I was working my way through a chicken wrap Esme had lovingly prepared for me, when I made a crass comment, "If Tyler's van comes back to finish the job, you better tell Esme it's okay, because her food has already fulfilled me for a few lifetimes." I snickered and hummed happily as I took another bite.

When Edward didn't answer, I looked over. He had a very peculiar expression that I couldn't pinpoint. I swallowed my bite and asked, "Hey, you okay?" And when that didn't do the trick, I waved a hand obnoxiously in front of his face, "Hello? Earth to Ed-weirdo~!" Finally, I dropped my hand and took another bite. I chewed thoughtfully, quietly wondering why he suddenly looked so irritated. Maybe I shouldn't have called him Ed-weirdo. It was kind of funny though.

A few more minutes had passed, when Edward finally turned to me stiffly and asked, "Isabella, did you know Tyler would lose control of his van that day?"

I froze. Oh shit.

"Um, I have to go to the bathroom," I announced a little too loudly, but by the time I'd frantically reached for the door handle, the lock had clicked into place.

Edward was stone at my side. "Isabella? You knew?" he hissed.

I placed the last of my food back into the container in my lap, clicked the lid into place, and tucked it back into the paper lunch bag. I'll come back for you later, chicken wrap, I silently vowed before setting it aside. Fisting my hands against my knees, I finally confessed, "Yes. I knew."

Edward pinched the bridge of his nose. "Why?" He didn't elaborate. He didn't need to.

I pressed my lips into a thin line. When I answered, my voice was a quiet rasp, "Two reasons. First, I couldn't be sure that someone else wouldn't take my place and die as a result. Second...I didn't mind."

His incredulous laugh was short and rough, heavy with disbelief. "You didn't mind?" A growl reverberated in his chest.

"No." At the time, I'd thought I was dreaming. Even with knowing the truth now, I still didn't think I minded. No matter how much I repeated Azmon's words, I couldn't accept them. The dead should stay dead.

"You want to die?" he whispered, a hopeless little sound.

I took a long, deep breath that expanded my lungs to their capacity, before exhaling heavily. "No," I said softly, "But...living is hard. I'm not sure I'm cut out for it anymore." I used to be. But now my body is all wrong and my family is gone and I'm in this strange place.

"I never realized…" he trailed off and it wasn't until he skimmed his fingers across my cheeks, catching my tears, that I realized I was crying.

"Oh," I gasped, blinking rapidly and dislodging the droplets that'd stuck to my lashes. I frantically wiped my face, carefully tapping away the wet trails from beneath my eyes. "Shoot. Did my concealer get messed up?" A look into the mirror revealed that the moisture hadn't dislodged the creamy product. Knowing Alice, it's probably waterproof.

"It's fine," Edward scoffed, removing his hand. The silence that settled over us was a stifling, wearisome thing.

I blinked, trying to hold back any remaining tears. "I'm sorry," I apologized. I didn't want a pity party. But I did feel guilty. Edward had already confessed that he'd tied his life to my own―something I currently held with little regard. Despite that, I continued to allow him to grow closer to me. Continued to rely on him. I was like a parasite―such a backwards exchange when it was my blood that sang to him.

I turned, guided by Edward's glacial palms pressed against my cheeks, long fingers weaving through my hair. His dark brown eyes blazed fiercely, piercing my own for a split second, before frosty lips crashed into my own. The ferocity of his kiss was like a balm to my bruised heart. I gripped his wrists, kissing him with a similar desperation―a desperation to live, to breathe, to escape the muddy seabed that wrapped me in its embrace every damn night. I kissed him like he was my lifeline, lips reshaping against his, teeth sinking, tongue tasting him.

When he wrenched away, I was too dazed to protest, too intoxicated by his sweet flavor on my tongue. I sunk into the leather seat, catching my breath―but in the best way possible.

In the distance, the bell rang.

When Edward reached over to brush my hair from the disarray he'd left it in, I noticed the sadness that still lingered in his eyes.

I shouldn't have been surprised when Edward was unwilling to let our earlier encounter go.

It was after school and we'd completed the little homework we had. Edward sat on one end of the couch while I used his lap as a pillow and lazily flicked through the endless channels on Charlie's flatscreen. There wasn't anything I wanted to watch, but I was on the verge of falling asleep and I wanted to save that for tonight. If the sleeping medication Carlisle had selected for me worked correctly, a full night's sleep awaited me. I was quite giddy about it.

"Isabella?" Edward said. Catching the somberness of his gaze, I muted the TV. Involuntarily, my eyes flickered shut as his fingers combed through my long hair.

When the silence stretched, I asked, "What is it?"

"Earlier, when you…" he struggled to say and instead asked, "Is there anything I can do?"

I frowned. I'd been hoping he would drop it. But this was Edward―too nosy and rarely willing to let things go. He's already doing everything by just being here. But I had a feeling he would find my answer lacking.

A cool thumb traced my brow. "Love? Look at me?"

Fluttering my eyes open, I met his pained gaze. I held back a sigh and sat up. "Let's take a walk?" I suggested, rubbing my eyes and stifling a yawn.

Quietly, he followed my lead, helping me into my coat before we headed out through the back porch. My boots sunk into the sodden grass and the mist clung wetly to my hair. As we crossed the treeline bordering my yard, I dug out my gloves and tugged them on before reaching out and wrapping my fingers around his. Even with the fabric as a barrier, his cool temperature seeped into my palm.

"I know!" I suddenly gasped, shattering the bleak silence. "We should go on a date!"

My eager smile did the trick to thaw out Edward's troubled frown. "Truly?"

I rolled my eyes. "What? Can't I ask my own boyfriend out on a date?"

"You may," Edward allowed, features relaxing into a small smile. "But you did reject me the last few times I asked."

I pursed my lips. "I mean, yeah, but it was different back then." At his inquiring look, I explained, "Before Azmon showed me the truth, I wasn't planning on sticking around for long." What I didn't say was that I would've done something drastically stupid, thinking I needed to break out of whatever had me dreaming in Twilight. "Mind you, I still want to leave, but it's no longer urgent." If I was in this for the long run, then I didn't want to start off by becoming a teenage runaway―I enjoyed showers too much.

Edward hummed in thought. "Did you have something specific in mind?"

"Not really," I shrugged, "I'm down for anything."

Edward's smile widened into a crooked grin. "How do you feel about hiking?"

"Oh! Yes, I love hiking," I gladly agreed. "Although, I guess it'll be a little different from hiking in the desert," I mused, relieved I wouldn't have to worry about snakes and scorpions.

"Would it be too much to ask that you not know where I'm taking you?" Edward asked, peering down at me curiously.

I belatedly realized he was referring to the meadow. "Oh, uh. Nope. I know nothing."

"You're a lousy liar," he chuckled.

My smile turned sheepish. "Sorry for ruining your surprise, babe. But, I still want to go!" I paused long enough to hop atop the rotting log obstructing our path, finding my balance with Edward's help. Tall enough to better gaze into his dark, pretty eyes, another thought occurred to me, which I blurted out tactlessly, "Will I get to see you glitter?"

Edward's features twisted with distaste. "Glitter?" he repeated dryly.

I snickered. "Well, do you have a better word for it?" I threw my arms around his shoulders, lest I lose my footing on the wet, slippery log.

"I suppose not," he groused.

I laughed, "It's a date!"

A/N: Sorry if the chapter was rough. Didn't really feel like my best work. Anyway, next up is their hike to the meadow, so look forward to that!

Hope y'all liked the chapter. Let me know your thoughts. I'll be sure to update soon!