Chapter 4
In an ironic switch Klinger held the rifle on the prisoner while Eddy fixed the jeep that was hit during the gunfire. The prisoner sat in the back of the jeep with his hand tied with a rope. He looked upon Klinger trying to figure him out.
"Why the dress?" the Korean asked.
"None of your business." Klinger stated.
Eddy slammed the hood of the jeep upon fixing the damage. She wiped her hands off on a rag and then went to the driver's side of the jeep. Before climbing in she asked, "You have a name?"
"Jeong Lee." he stated his name.
She cocked her head upon looking at his uniform rank. "You're a buck private? You speak English better than most Americans. Why are you not an officer?"
He went silent.
She asked, "You shooting at choppers too?"
He beamed proud, "I shoot and hit one of your choppers."
She asked, "Did you know that shooting at a chopper as a war crime? It's a medical helicopter. It transports wounded."
"I did not know what it was used for." he confessed. "Will I be executed?"
"You're lucky. You didn't hit anyone and the I was able to reach the MASH unit and land it." she explained.
"You fly chopper?" he asked surprised.
"Yes. That was my chopper you shot at." she told him annoyed.
He sat a bit dumbfounded. "My apologies. I did not know it was a medical chopper."
She asked, "Did you not see the large white letters on the side that said MASH or the big Red Cross painted on the nose?"
"I did not know what MASH meant and I did not see the nose with a glare of the sun." he explained.
Klinger asked, "What do you want to do with him, Captain?"
"Take him to the Marines. They can deal with him." she stated.
"Marines?" he winced.
She smirked back at him, "Marines, Johnny. Marines."
An hour later, Eddy pulled into the Marine's base of operations with Klinger watching the prisoner they captured. They parked near the head quarters and Eddy gave instructions. "Watch Johnny while I go get the base commander." she stated as she slid out of the jeep.
"I got him, Captain." he assured her.
Jeong Lee watched as Eddy walked into the head quarters. He looked at Klinger, "You two a couple or something?"
He narrowed his eyes, "What do you mean by that?"
"You are wearing a dress and she's wearing pants." he laughed. It was evident to Jeong Lee that Eddy was a girl.
"What do you mean she?" Klinger demanded.
He laughed harder, "You can't tell? That mustache is fake and your Captain is female. Didn't you notice her hips?" He found Eddy passing as a man laughable along with Klinger and his outfit. "What did you two do? Switch clothes?" He started laughing harder.
Soon Eddy emerged from the HQ with an officer from the base. The Lieutenant was a tall man with blonde hair and laid his blue eyes upon the prisoner. "So, you are the sniper who has been getting away from us?" He motioned, "Come on!" He helped the prisoner out of the jeep. The young lieutenant glanced at Klinger and then did a double take. Klinger stood out so much that the Lieutenant didn't really get a closer look at Eddy. "Um…" he then looked at Eddy. "I'll take the prisoner from here, Captain. Your parts are in the motor pool." He gave another bizarre look to Klinger who saluted him.
"Lieutenant." Klinger saluted.
"Riighht." he replied and then took possession of the prisoner.
Unbeknownst to Klinger, his outrageous outfit was enough of a distraction that no one paid much attention to Eddy and her fake mustache. As the Marine took control of the prisoner, Eddy climbed back behind the wheel to drive over to the motor pool. She confessed, "Johnny was kind of fun. Let's go get my parts."
Klinger's eyes settled on Eddy. His looked closer at the mustache. He wasn't sure if it was real or not. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure." she agreed.
"Is that mustache real?" he wondered.
She shook her head. "It's fake! I put it on as a joke to tease Charles. Joke's on me. The boys at the my base gave me the wrong glue and now I can't get it off."
He then asked, "Are you…?" he hesitated.
"A woman!" she nodded amused. "Eddy is short for Edna, Max. I'm not even an officer. I'm a contract worker. I have been contracted to fly medical choppers. I borrowed the hat to play a joke on Charles. He freaked out instead. The bars were my uncle's from World War One. He gave them to me years ago." she confessed. "The joke backfired and he told everyone I was his brother because he thinks I snuck in and I could be arrested. I'm not a Captain. I'm just a pilot. That's all. I'll fix the chopper, go back to base and just pretend this whole thing never happened." she shook her head.
"You are dressed up like this to play a joke on Charles?" he gathered.
She nodded, "And it failed in the most spectacular fashion imaginable. The joke's on me. I did it to myself." She placed the jeep in gear and started across the compound with Klinger sitting a bit shocked. He wasn't shocked that she was a woman but shocked at himself on how could not tell. She came to the motor pool and parked. The two emerged and made their way inside.
The staff sergeant came to meet his guest. His eyes looked at Klinger and then nearly bulged from his head. Again, Klinger took all eyes off Eddy. "May I help you?" he asked Klinger as he looked him and up and down.
Eddy spoke, "You have chopper parts of Eddy Winchester?"
He nodded, "I have a box of parts of someone named Winchester." He looked to Eddy for a movement and then back to Klinger.
Klinger was irritated by the sergeant. He asked, "You like? I made it myself?" He turned and showed off his dress.
"Um…" he took a step back. "I'll get that box for Winchester." He quickly made his way to the storage room and gathered a large wooden create. He walked it over to the pair and wasn't sure if he should hand it to Klinger or not. He stood rather awkward.
"I'll take that." Klinger stated and took the box.
"Um…" was all he could say.
"Thank you, Sergeant." Eddy stated and gave him a salute. She then motioned for Klinger to follow her back to the jeep. Once at the jeep, Klinger put the box in the back and then climbed back into the vehicle.
Eddy slid down behind the wheel. She grinned at Klinger, "You and I make an awesome team. That dress really took eyes off of me."
"You think so?" he asked pleased. "I'm glad to help you…um…what should I call you? You said you are not a Captain."
"Eddy is fine." she smiled.
"Eddy." he agreed. "Let's get back to camp!"
She started the jeep and placed it in gear. "Let's go back to camp."
MASH 4077
Sergeant Rizzo decided to take it upon himself to see if he could fix the chopper with the parts he had on hand. Though he was a masterful card player, bluffer and mechanic, he was not an aviation mechanic. After rigging the repairs he climbed in the cockpit and started the motor. The blades started to turn. He thought he fixed it and thus began to grin widely. Then as the motor wound up it suddenly burst into flames with a large boom. He shut down the engine and scurried out of the chopper as the men and women of the camp emerged to see if there was an explosion. Enlisted men grabbed the fire extinguishers and descended on the chopper to put out the flames.
Colonel Potter and the officers soon arrived on the scene along with Radar. Everyone stood about rather stunned as the chopper was burnt and in worse shape now than before. The Colonel stepped forward.
"What in tarnation is going on here, Sergeant?" he glared at Rizzo.
Rizzo gathered himself rather meekly. "Well, sir. I thought I would do Captain Winchester a favor and fix his bird."
The Colonel narrowed his eyes. "You are not qualified to work on that chopper, Sergeant. It requires an aviation mechanic, pilot or engineer."
He looked back at the smoldering mess. "I can see that now."
Charles was steaming mad. He stepped forward and sneered at Rizzo. "You buffoon! Now you have damaged that chopper even more. My sister…Brother will never be able to fly it out of here."
Sherman soothed, "Take it easy, Winchester. I will get on the horn with the air base. I'm sure Major Hardy will figure something out." He then snapped at Rizzo, "I suggest you get this mess cleaned up, Sergeant."
He saluted, "Yes sir."
Charles shoved his hands in his pockets and stormed back to his tent rather upset at what the Sergeant had done to Eddy's chopper.
Margaret Houlihan stood with Hawkeye and B.J. as she watched Charles storm off. She cocked her head and wondered, "What did he mean by sister?"
Hawkeye kept his voice low. "Come walk with us, Margaret."
Hours Later
Klinger and Eddy rolled back into camp after nightfall. Klinger slung the rifle over his shoulder and cheerfully grabbed the box of parts in the back. "I'll take this to the motor pool for ya, Eddy."
"I appreciate that, Max." she replied.
They spent hours chatting all the way back to camp and got to be friends and were now on first name bases.
"It's nothing." Klinger told her. "If you want maybe I can talk the Colonel into giving you the VIP tent. That way you won't have to stay in the swamp."
She shook her head. "I don't mind it. I got Charles watching me anyways."
"But the swamp if no place for a lady." he told her.
"Neither is a war zone but here I am." she shrugged. "See ya at breakfast. Night Max." She then gave him a peck on his cheek which for Klinger felt a bit strange as he felt the fake mustache.
"Maybe the doctors can help you get that glue off." he suggested.
She had no idea. "Maybe." She turned and waved, "Night." She began to walk across the camp back to the swamp.
Klinger then carried the box to the motor pool. He placed the box a supply tents and then looked upon the silhouette of the chopper. In the darkness he didn't see the additional damage. He then left the motor pool to check in with Radar and then get some sleep himself.
SWAMP
Eddy found the tent was dark as she entered upon returning back to camp. She was tired from the long day and was ready for some much needed rest. She quietly made her way to the cot. The light was suddenly turned on. She turned and found Charles was sitting up in his cot, still in uniform waiting for her to get back. She then found B.J. and Hawkeye were also still awake though more ready for bed than Charles.
Eddy looked upon her brother, "I got the parts. I'll be out of your hair by tomorrow."
"No, you won't." he stated and rose to his feet. "There was a slight issue today."
"What do you mean?" she wondered.
B.J. spoke up. "Rizzo tried to fix the chopper for you and he caught it on fire. He did more damage to it."
She stood blinking rather dumb struck. "What?" she wondered if it was some kind of joke.
"Rizzo!" B.J. repeated. "He was trying to fix the chopper and he caught it on fire. No one was hurt but it was quite an explosion."
"Explosion!" she gasped wide eyed.
Charles soothed, "There's more."
"More than Rizzo blowing my chopper?" she gasped.
He confessed, "I told Hunnicutt and Pierce the truth about you. They know you are my sister."
She looked at the pair. "Okay." The news did not bother her.
Hawkeye then added. "We told Hot Lips."
Eddy shrugged, "Okay." It made no difference to her.
Charles confessed, "I might have accidentally said you were my sister before the whole camp."
"That's fine." she nodded. "If I could get this stupid mustache off I would tell them myself. Max knows."
"Max?" Charles asked. A disgusted look crossed his face. "You are on first name bases with that hairy buffoon who prances around in dresses?"
"I like Max. Yes, he's my friend. Why should you be surprised? I'm always becomes friends with the riff raff to your estimation anyways." she barked back.
Charles pleaded, "You have to be careful on who you get close to. Klinger won't tell Colonel Potter but if he finds out he could have you arrested." he warned her.
"For what?" she asked.
"For sneaking in." he waved his hand towards her uniform.
She removed the jacket and hat. She told him, "The cap belong to Tom, the base C.O. He let me borrow it. Uncle Fred gave me his captain's bars years ago. I always where them as a souvenir. I'm not in the military, Charles. I'm a contractor. They contracted me to fly the choppers because Uncle Fred wants my input for the next design phase. I didn't sneak in. I'm not a Captain. I let you think that when you got so upset when I came to visit you."
Charles asked, "If you didn't sneak in then why the disguise?"
"It was to surprise you." she confessed. "I was going to surprise you after I flew in. But the wounded were pouring in, you were operating on men and everyone assumed I was a real captain. I didn't think my disguise was all that good. I was going to come visit you. Take off the hat and the fake mustache and yell surprise. But the guys at base gave me the wrong glue for the mustache and I can't get the damn thing off. We were accidentally sent a theater makeup case. There was a bunch of wigs, beards, mustaches. I thought it would be funny to wear the mustache. It was a joke." She waved her arms, "But the boys played a joke on me with the glue."
Charles cocked his head, "You didn't sneak in and Uncle Fred knows you are here?"
"He hired me!" she huffed.
B.J. tried to not laugh. "You mean, your base knows the truth and they switched the glue so you can't get the fake mustache off?"
"Obviously!" she tugged at the corner of the piece. "See!" The fake mustache was stuck for sure.
Hawkeye started to laugh. "That's a gag that not even I could pull off."
Eddy sat down on her bed kicked off her shoes and removed the belt. "Just hilarious." she miffed. "I'm going to bed. Good night!"
B.J. stated, "Don't you want to sleep in the VIP tent? You don't have to stay with us, Eddy."
"I like you guys." she told them. "And this way I can spend some time with my brother before I go back to base."
Charles sounded, "The swamp is no place for a lady, Edna."
She lifted her head and reminded him, "I have flown combat for two militaries and I was shot down behind enemy lines. The swamp is a slice of heaven, Charles." She laid her head back and closed her eyes.
B.J. stated. "Can't argue with that. If Eddy is comfortable here then let her stay. We will see if we can get that glue off while you are here."
Charles asked, "How was your trip today, Edna? Did you have any problems?"
"No," she shook her head. "Me and Max captured the sniper that shot my chopper. We handed him over to the marines."
The three men traded glances.
Charles asked, "You and Klinger captured the sniper?"
She nodded.
Hawkeye stated, "That sniper has been running around out there for weeks."
"How were you and Klinger able to capture this sniper?" Charles asked.
Eddy explained still laying down with her eyes closed. "He took a shot at us in the jeep. I got us to cover. Klinger drew his fire while I snuck around and captured him from behind. I fixed the jeep and they we got him to the Marines and turned him over. His name was Jeong Lee. I call him Johnny."
Hawke glanced at B.J. and Charles. "So, it only took a corporal in a dress and a woman dressed as a man with a fake mustache to capture the sniper that has been sneaking around for weeks."
Eddy was soon fast asleep.
The three men just looked at one another in disbelief.
Charles let out a deep sigh. "As if things could not get anymore insane here." He fluffed his pillow and laid down to rest.
B.J. proposed. "Maybe she was just joking and nothing happened? I mean…the Marines could not find that sniper."
Hawkeye and B.J. both looked upon the sleeping woman. They debated if the story about the sniper being captured was true.
"You think she and Klinger actually caught the sniper?" Hawkeye asked.
"Don't know." B.J. confessed. "I'm going to get some sleep." He rolled over to his side on his cot.
Hawkeye laid down wondering if the sniper was still out there or captured as Eddy claimed. The whole of war seemed crazy to him and getting more insane by the day.