Chapter 7
Upset that is attempt to win back Margaret Houlihan had failed, Frank focused on his next target…Radar and the animals the young man kept. He marched over to the isolated area of the camp where Radar kept local farm animals in cages that were rescued. He smirked as he took out his notebook and scribbled in pencil. He spoke to himself, "Let's see! Two rabbits, four chickens, one duck…" he wrote down what animals he discovered.
Edna was on her way to get the chess set when she spied Frank by the animals that Radar tended. She became curious as to what he was doing as she was told that Radar rescued farm animals that were displaced and wounded from the war. She wandered over and called, "Colonel Burns."
Frank glanced up from his notebook. "Colonel." Frank was a devious man and understood that any World War Two flying ace would have connections and a network that he could tap into for promotions.
"What are you doing?" she asked concerned for the animals.
He smirked at her, "Do you think having farm animals in a MASH unit is sanitary?"
She glanced about at the area. "Radar keep the cages pretty clean. I don't see anything wrong. Clean water, clean cages, fresh food."
"Hah!" he barked. "It's against regulations."
She countered, "Have you ever heard of the American Humane Association? They are a powerful group in D.C. They are currently in talks with the military to draw up new regulations to address displaced and wounded farm animals. What Radar is doing could be a model for how that program should role out." She then dangled a carrot before the man, "Just think about it. You highlight Radar's work in your report and recommend the military adopts the Humane Associations recommendations. The Association is going through a merger right now. They are going to incorporate and be renamed the American Humane Society. There are four very important people who are drafting up the new recommendations. Just think! You could be on the cutting edge of a regulation change that no one would hate. Everyone loves animals."
Frank found she had given him some privileged information and understood the Winchesters could actually help his career. A gleam reflected in his beady eyes. "You mean, promote Radar's little circus as some kind of humane work. And since the American Humane Association is about to get a whole lot bigger and influence military doctrine, I could be ahead of it. I would be on the inside track."
"And a step closer to General." she dangled the rank before him like carrot before a donkey. She slyly suggested, "General Burns has a nice ring to it."
His eyes lit up. "General Burns." he repeated in a daydream.
She pushed, "So, you want to write a favorable review of Radar's work. Point to the Humane Association and how fair treatment of animals would benefit the military and maybe even launch a political career. Senator Burns perhaps?" she teased.
He gasped, "I could be a senator!"
She teased him even more. "Or maybe…President!"
"President!" he daydreamed.
She then suggested, "Write something like: The MASH 4077th is taking the lead in animals welfare and proved it is possible to provide adequate care for farm animals that have been displaced or harmed."
"Right!" he scribbled down the note.
She added, "It's good for everyone. Good for the animals, good for Radar, good for the camp and most of all…Good for you. The officer who sees the future and can grasp it is the officer who is going places."
"I'm going places." he agreed as he wrote down the suggestions. "Once I'm General….Margaret will want me back."
Eddy winced silently but kept a straight face and then flat out lied. "She will be putty in your hands." She hung around men enough to know how to speak about women disguised as a man. "Yeah, Houlihan is a looker. Real killer Diller."
However, Frank was not like most men. He could easily switch from daydream to jealously. He squinted, "You like her too."
"Who doesn't?" she asked back amused.
"She's mine." he warned her.
"I have someone already." she held up a hand to stop the assertion.
Frank doubled down. "She's mine. I'm going to get her back."
Eddy replied, "But she's married."
"Doesn't matter!" he huffed. He then looked upon the animals. "General Burns. I like the sound of that."
Eddy stood a bit bewildered as she witnessed his mind could shift gears in record time. He was a bit touched for sure. She said her goodbye. "I'll catch up with you later, Colonel." she gave a nod and started to walk away debating what mental disorder Frank could be suffering from.
Soon, Eddy arrived at the mess tent and spied Charles sitting inside with Margaret. She walked inside to speak about Frank Burns and ask to borrow the chess set. She grabbed herself a cup of coffee and a piece of buttered bread and took a seat with the pair.
"Charles, Margaret." she greeted upon sitting down. "I just saw Frank Burns out by Radar's animals."
Margaret figured, "He's going to write the camp up on that."
"Oh, I got him to see it a humane issue." she countered.
Charles understood. "You convinced him it was a good idea."
Margaret asked amazed, "How did you ever do that?"
Eddy stated, "The American Humane Association is in the process of incorporating and becoming the American Human Society. They are big influencers in D.C. One of the issues they want to address is how wars affect farm animals."
Charles nodded, "The four leading the charge are friends with Father. Now, if it was me…I would tell him about the coming changes to the association and how they are lobbying the Pentagon for changes to how animals are treated during wartime. Get Burns to put in a good word for the camp and promote Radar's little petting zoo as a pilot program. How did you do, dear…brother?"
"I learned from the best." she nodded with a grin.
"Excellent." he cheered.
Margaret sat beside herself. "You got Frank to promote Radar's animals in his inspection report?"
"I did." she agreed. "Tell me, was he always this…schizophrenic? I never seen anyone change gears like that."
Margaret confirmed, "He's a little nuts."
Eddy disagreed. "A lot nuts. It's like a human mind with the gears stripped out. He's all over the place."
Charles stated, "Be careful around him. You never know how violent someone with mental illness can turn."
Margaret soothed, "Frank is not violent. He can be sneaky though."
Charles looked upon his sister. "Still be careful."
"I will." she promised. "Can I borrow your chess set? I know it was sent out to you."
"My chess set!" he soured. "Why?"
"I figure I could set up a little tournament. Something to keep Colonel Crazy busy with." she told him.
He gasped, "You want to use my good chess set with hand crafted ivory pieces in a tournament for this camp."
"Yes!" she nodded.
"Certainly not!" he rebutted.
"Come on. It's for the good of the camp." she begged.
"That chess set is worth a full months wages." he shook his head.
She grimaced. "Why did you have to have the good chess set sent out? Why not have Alfred send out the ones with the plastic pieces?"
"How uncivilized!" he gasped. "I'm trying to bring what civilization that I can into this hell hole."
Margaret volunteered. "I have a chess set you can borrow, Eddy."
She reached over and grasped her hand as she gratefully replied, "Thank you, Major."
"You're welcome." she assured the young pilot.
Eddy then looked at her brother. "Well?"
"Well?" he asked back unsure.
"Least you could do is think her for sparing your chess set. Otherwise, I would have had to order you to turn it over." she grinned.
"How could you order me to turn it over?" he barked. "You're not a real Colonel."
"I am for this mission." she smirked back.
Charles looked to Margaret to back him up. Instead, he found her nodding with a pondering look. "Major?" he asked.
"Technically, she is a Colonel. Your uncle made her one for a special mission." she had to agree.
Eddy grinned amused at her not so amused brother. "See!"
Charles declared. "I can't wait for this mission to be over so your alter ego can back in the closet where it belongs."
She laughed. "This mission could take some time."
Margaret let out a laugh as she found Charles and his sister were rather entertaining. She confessed, "If I could keep Eddy here in the camp as one of my nurses, I would. She can really ride you, Charles."
Eddy shivered, "I can't stand the sight of blood."
Charles rolled his eyes, "I know. Like the time your cut your finger and you thought you cut your finger off."
"It was a deep cut!" she insisted.
"It was a nick." he disagreed. "It's didn't even require a single stitch." He looked to his head nurse and recalled the tale. "Eddy likes to cook and is very good cook. We were teenagers. I heard this blood curdling scream coming from the kitchen of our home. I ran into the kitchen to see what happened. Eddy was cutting ham off a bone. The knife slipped and she cut her finger. I found her in the kitchen with a huge towel wrapped around her whole hand. She swore she cut her finger off. After a considerable amount of time, I get her calmed down and remove the towel. She had a tiny cut on her finger that was too small for a stitch. She insisted I call the doctor. She didn't believe me when I told her it was nothing. So, I called the doctor who came and put on bandage on it and charged us the house call and for the bandage. At that point, I figured that I better becomes a doctor myself to save the family fortune from Edna's mishaps."
Margaret laughed, "Some people don't like the sight of blood."
Eddy crossed her arms displeased. "I can dogfight through. You can barley ride a bicycle, brother."
"I have no desire to learn how to dogfight." he proclaimed. "I am not a pilot. And I can too ride a bike and do so safely." He glanced at his watch. "I have to relieve Pierce for rounds. I'll see you later, Edna. Margaret." he bid his good day and rose to his feet to take over for rounds.
After Charles left the tent Margaret told Eddy, "Come on! I'll get you that chess set."