Blinding Lights

by taylorandmacster10

One last misadventure with Jay Halstead and, my goodness, have we saved the craziest for last. One final ride, one more story, let's see our hero and king gut it out one more time. This is Blinding Lights. I do NOT condone any comments containing racial hate speech or any kind of offensive language and do NOT agree with any of it.

14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14- What He Knew

He knew something was off. He knew something had happened, something had changed, something had gone really wrong. He also knew he'd been out of it for awhile. He wasn't sure if it was a few hours, a week, a thousand years, but just understood that a significant amount of time had passed since he was last aware of life. It was in the quick flashes of reaching the surface, the drifting and floating and struggle of coming to the edge of his worlds before plummeting back down to the depths of darkness. He absolutely hated being there, it was one of the incredibly few things that scared him in life, this inability to be in control and aware of what was happening around him and to him. The power of the darkness was so overwhelming and beyond strong that despite Jay being Jay, he was absolutely no match for the dark, quiet, incredibly lonely and fear riddled world that he'd been a member of for an unlimited amount of time. He fought it so hard, wanted out so much, but for awhile there struggle to hit the bottom and figure out how to escape. And even when he would get out, he was greeted to a world and surroundings that were so foreign to him. It seemed as if life as he once knew it was over, that death or fate or ill fated circumstances blew his way and swept him off to lands and universes and dimensions unknown to his knowledge. There were pieces of old life that he understood, but the culmination of everything coming together made no sense.

Will and Hailey's presence were the first big hurdle to overcome, how they made the massive 4,200 mile journey to him was both shocking and unsettling. He couldn't recall the last time he spoke to Will apart from bumping into each other at work. He didn't alert him he was leaving the city, failed to give a heads up that he'd taken a job on a whole new continent, but to hear him and get those flashes of his person next to Jay's side was astounding. Then Hailey who, for all Jay could figure, didn't need to see him ever again or even give him the time of day for another chance at things. Just as he did with Will, Hailey was side swept by his rash life decision. At least she got a heads up of it all, granted it was moments before he escaped…but at least she knew. So to have them there, coupled with Bradford actually speaking to him in a mildly supportive or friendly manner gave hints that whatever happened to him was not anything uneventful. He still had no clue where he was, what had happened, or what the current state of his well being included, but he just knew from the first glimpses of this unknown life that it had been pretty awful and scary and altering. Granted the everything that was hurting in and around him also told a tale, not to mention the never ending headache and pounding and just pure exhaustion, were clues that something had gone catastrophically wrong. As best he could recall in those early days and hours, he felt fine the last time he could remember being awake and alert. He was adapting to South American life and all the altitude and climate change that came along with that, but he was not so bad off that a quick race down south from his immediate family members was warranted. So to now be unable to stay awake for more than a few seconds, to be so clueless on life and where he even was in it all, he just knew.

He also didn't need to be told where he was, it was in the little details of what he'd acquired in both sound and observation that gave that away. The beeping of the heart monitors, the sensation of new drugs being pumped into an IV. How his arms would chill when the cooler drips would evade his warmer body and take those few seconds to adapt to his normal body temperature. The feeling of being pressed against uncomfortable pillows and bedding and that feel of being naked under many layers of blankets. The smells were the last to finally connect all the dots, those not coming back till he'd resumed consciousness, but once those were registered things were solidified. He knew the smell of anti-septic wash, had smelled enough alcohol pads and fresh oxygen under his nostrils to know he was in his least favorite place in the world. All those times of walking up and down hospital hallways and rooms, spending countless hours questioning suspects or hearing out victims had engrained in him that world that was hospital life. And having been a patient one too many times for his liking, there was nothing worse than waking up and realizing you'd been checked into this hell hole slightly against your will. You were alive and you were incredibly happy and thankful for that, but it was the release of control and understanding of all that had been allowed while one was away that truly made him want to spring out of that bed and head for the exits. That urge and trick had worked so well every other time, but this time around things were vastly different, cueing up the concluded truth that something had gone horrifically wrong in his life.

He was exhausted, he was barely able to form a strung out, serious thought for more than a few seconds. His mind felt depleted, drained, completely spent. Movement was not going to be happening anytime soon. All effort to get back to the surface of alertness was exerted on the pushing and struggle to break the seal around him. Like a swimmer in the middle of the ocean clinging to the final milliseconds of air in their lungs and the surface being just inches away, it literally took everything in Jay to force his way back to oxygen, to freedom, to some form of life. When he would come through, he'd manage flashes, glimpse a couple seconds of reprieve before the darkness and its' never ceasing strength yanked him back. Sometimes it was fully without warning, other times he knew it was coming, felt it, and inwardly sobbed and begged for things to leave him alone. He truly was scared, just wanted answers, gosh he was so fucking tired all the time. He wanted answers, guidance, just someone to rescue him from this vicious and never ending cycle of things. Will and Hailey would encourage him to fall back into things willingly, swearing he was doing amazing and that all was well, but they were blissfully unaware of the trauma and hurt he experienced when he slipped back into that other world. He felt like a failure, was back to square one, wanted to be with them, with living people. He didn't understand why he couldn't stay with them, why things were so murky and fuzzy. His body was swashing, swaying, truly felt to be floating in the choppiest of waters in the middle of the biggest expanse of water in the world. He wanted out, he yearned for answers, but sleep and exhaustion won out every single time. He was freaked out, was hoping visitation with the outside world would eventually be extended to more than a few seconds, but needed sleep. He needed to talk to someone, anyone, he needed to get the report of all that had happened in his life. He had inklings, the blips of sound he picked up on while he was away. They were what he clung to and churned over and over again in his mind as his whole person succumbed to the depths of the darkness. He just prayed and hoped full answers were coming soon. He just needed sleep so badly.

…

It wasn't one of the more pleasant afternoons for Jay, or anyone involved in caring for him. Jay spent hours going through a never ending routine of falling asleep, jolting himself awake in a scare, looking in the direction of the window or a particular corner of the room before passing out in exhaustion. Sleep would come not too long after that, perhaps half an hour would transpire and the process would resume. It happened for hours, this horrid cycle of him adjusting to things. Hailey now got why they wanted to keep him relaxed as they moved him from room to room. His brain was so fragile and at such an infancy in its recovery that major adjustments like changing rooms was a very big ordeal. As fully functioning humans, we do not think of moving from place to place as a big deal, we just do it. Expectations, assessments of things, adapting to sights and sounds and smells and wary of things that may hurt or raise some hairs are all done so fluidly and effortlessly that for most people it's not even something one thinks about. But when you are in Jay's situation, when so much damage has been done to the brain and you are so unaware of all that has happened to you, not to even get into not knowing where you were or what happened, it's a very scary and almost a traumatic thing. He was adjusting as best he could, not to mention the drugs in his system that were pulling him back and forth between consciousness and unconsciousness. It was a seesaw, back and forth, in and out struggle most of the afternoon.

Hailey could tell Jay, her Jay, really was making an effort to come back to them. It was very slight blips of time and done in the most subtle of ways. The manner in which he cleared his throat, the movement of his legs under the blankets, the quick and somewhat stern but studious glances around the room when he got the chance, all of these were things she'd come to know and tie back to him. It was flashes of brilliance and fully feeling like Jay was back, only to have random words or lines thrown her way or just out into the room that brought things back to reality. She badly wanted to reach down into whatever pit Jay truly was struggling in and rescue him back to the life his body and everyone else was in. The old brain versus body fight was very prevalent in this period of the game, how his body was with them and doing well but the brain was really trying to catch up. Bradford swore that this would pass, that it was the combo of the drugs they'd given for the scan fighting the medication already in his system that was creating all of this. Hailey so desperately wanted to believe that was true, but as the hours passed and the comments got more random and more focused on minor things, she truly wondered if this was the top of the spectrum for Jay. There were people out there that survived horrific brain injuries, surgeries, and ended up lost forever. That despite all efforts and them coming off a ventilator and walking out of a hospital, they were never the same ever again, ghosts and shadows of what they once were. She prayed that wasn't going to be Jay, that was a thought that had never crossed her mind till this afternoon. But as she watched her husband sway and fight back and forth between things, she had to internally admit that unrealized reality might be in his future, their whole future.

By the early evening hours Jay was feeling to be more alert, at least enough to speak full sentences. He was still in his jolting awake and terrified state of things, but once that subsided he was able to make a couple quick one liners and wait for feedback before drifting back into the schedule of his brain's timeline. A few times in the afternoon he was fixated on a particular corner of the room, seeming to be staring at it, almost trying to communicate with something or someone in the corner. The scary part was that no one was actually there, but there was something over there that was truly getting his attention. It started off with just stares, followed by furrowed brows and his eyes tracking like someone was moving, walking around and then returning to the corner. A couple times Jay would mouth something, no more than a greeting or single word, but Hailey sat and watched the whole thing in petrified fear. He was seeing things, was communicating with an empty corner. Either things were getting worse and the condition was rapidly changing, or this was Jay's new norm. And since no one else seemed to be bothered by his change in behavior, emergency intervention was assumed to be not necessary. So that left the more terrifying option of this thing never going away.

"What are you looking at," Hailey very gently asked Jay, placing a hand close to his. She sensed that if physical touch was administered while he was deep in concentrating of whatever was going on in the corner, a slap or freak out would be the end result. She wanted to understand what was going on, help him work through things, or just get a better grasp on what was consuming his energy.

"Why is Jake in the corner," Jay spoke up without much hesitation. 'Jake' was a name Hailey hadn't heard in quite sometime, but given everything that had happened she couldn't remember where his name had even come up. Was it a CI? A person from back in Bolivia? She truly was clueless right then. Will and his ill timed bathroom breaks was missing at the moment, leaving poor Hailey to sort this one out.

"Uuummm…" she trailed off with, she and Jay switching views for a couple seconds. As she peered into the empty corner near the window Jay was glancing over at her. When she finally locked in on his face, the pure and legitimate concern for this mystery Jake was all over his face.

"Well," Hailey dragged out, internally sighing and moaning that she had to be the bearer of bad news. She didn't know how else to play this without making him more upset. Her only mode of communicating things like this was 'ripping of the bandaid' method.

"Jake is not there, Jay. There's no one in the corner." Jay, who was just about baffled by her comment, shook his head and mumbled under his breath before gathering a return answer.

"No…no…he's right there, Hailey," Jay motioned with a finger, flinging it in the direction of the empty corner.

"He's been there all day and he hasn't moved. Why aren't you guys talking to him?" Hailey now made the full effort to put her hand on Jay's arm, noting how worked up he was getting over this. While it was touching to see him get almost emotional and upset about another person being treated poorly, the fact that no one was there overpowered any other good kind of feeling.

"Jay, I promise you he's not there," she spoke once more, still with a calm voice but tapping his forearm as she spoke to him.

"Jake, come on. Just speak up. Tell her you're over there," Jay spoke to the wall. Hailey watched as the heart monitor ticked up just a little, nothing to sound off any kind of alarms, but he certainly was getting worked up over this ordeal.

"Jay, please listen to me. He's not.." Hailey was cut off by Will opening the bathroom door, his face really not properly meeting the situation. He smiled and waved, like some oblivious dork who didn't know how to read a room.

"Hey Jay," he greeted way too happy. Hailey grit under her teeth in annoyance before speaking up.

"Will, can you go stand in the corner over there? By the window?"

"What?!" Will was perplexed and beside himself at this point.

"Can you just do it, please," she sternly asked now, the three of them truly a sight for humor. Jay was gravely concerned that his sidekick of old had been ignored all day, Hailey was doing her best to be the voice of reason in all of it, and poor Will was cluelessly stomping towards an empty corner one footfall at a time.

"See Jay? It's just Will in the corner," Hailey spoke up, thinking that was the end of it.

"No, no no. Hailey he is there. I saw him," Jay replied, his voice almost quivering from the held back emotions. Gosh it was so heartbreaking to watch, Hailey wished she hadn't been so blunt with things.

"Jay, I know you did and I'm sure it's very real to you right now. But I promise he's not there." Jay looked back and forth between the now Will filled corner and Hailey, his head swiveling back and forth like a spectator at a tennis match. Jake was there and then wasn't, Will was there and then Jake was standing behind him. He'd seen him all day, the scared shitless little kid that wanted nothing more than to please his boss, do whatever bidding came his way. There was just no way he wasn't there, he'd been by his side this whole mission. So why wasn't he there, where was Jake…or Eric for that matter. Where was his team? Where was everyone? And why were Will and Hailey here, in Bolivia, and no one else seemed to be concerned about everyone else being gone.

"What happened," Jay finally spoke with, this being that moment he'd been waiting for, they all had been anticipating for sometime now. Hailey looked back to Will who was coming out of his spot in the corner another foot shuffle at a time. He sighed, looked back to Hailey who was just about to eye murder him if he didn't get this thing rolling. She was good at handling death notices and horrible, life shattering news. Will was the medical one and this was all in his area of expertise. So he knew that he had no other choice.

"Guys, this is fucked up. Just spit it out," Jay cut into their mad mental scramble. Ah, the essence of Jay was back with them. It took him long enough to figure it all out.

"Jay, you had brain surgery," came a voice from the back of the whole situation. Jay flinching at the newfound voice coming from a place he hadn't realized was watching and listening. Will and Hailey joined Jay in the flinching party, the two of them just about spinning out of their places they maneuvered so fast. In a blink all were looking back at Bradford, who had been leaning against a side of the doorway, watching the whole scene unfold in front of them. No one knew how long he'd been standing there, silently observing in a shadowed light as he was keen on doing. But all were glad to have him be the one to break the news, cut the ice break and allow them to all descend into the bitter cold of reality.

"Oh," was all Jay could return with. The calm was back with him, the invisible lightbulb hovering over him seemed to be going off. Now it was starting to make some kind of sense, even though he didn't have remotely close to the full picture of what really went down. But at least there was a bottom to all his questions, an answer for why he felt the way he did and how he ended up in this place.

"Well, technically you had two," Bradford corrected himself, pushing off of his resting spot and slowly walking into the room.

"Well…three if you count the whole…putting things back together one," Hailey spoke up with. Bradford quickly shot that one down, subtly shaking his head and waving his hand for her to back off as he made it to the end of Jay's bed.

"You had two very life threatening issues sort of come out of nowhere. You fell into a coma, were rushed into surgery, and now you're here. So the seeing people and hearing things and none of this making sense is totally normal, but I can promise you there is no one in that corner. Jake is not here." The melting of Jay's stress and panic was rippling away as he absorbed what Bradford was telling him. The once almost fully upright sitting position he was in was now back into a relaxed-against-the-pillows angle. His hands were back to being relaxed at his sides, his head nestled against the little air cushion he'd been resting on all this time. Will and Hailey had never been so grateful for Bradford's presence before, which was saying a lot given all he'd done. They were just glad it wasn't them that had to deliver that news to Jay, but more importantly that the two of them had such a trust and understanding of each other that truth was easily tossed back and forth.

"Who did the surgery," Jay finally mumbled. They were shocked he wasn't completely shutting the whole thing down, refusing to believe it. Again, they'd all too soon understand his level of understanding through this whole thing and what he experienced during those ten days he was under. But whatever Bradford had said seemed to be resonating and connecting dots to missing lines. Jay's question hinted that he was grasping things and wanting to know more.

"Me."

"What?! No…you're a…field doctor. You patch up cuts and stuff," Jay was very quick to fluster and stutter over. Bradford waited till Jay was done before shaking his head, locking Jay dead in the eye before responding.

"Nope. I'm a neurosurgeon. I was actually a really good one back in the day in San Diego…but that's another lengthy story for another time."

"Well given where we are I'd say you still have it in you," Will joked.

"Wait, you guys knew?!" Hailey nodded, hanging her head in sadness. She couldn't bother to look at him, was too upset and borderline ashamed to admit that one. Whenever he got the full scope of things, and all that had been done to him and the lengths it took to save him, there was going to be a part of her that felt incredibly guilty. Yes, it gave them all of this, but willingly and knowingly putting a loved one through all of that was never going to be an easy pill to swallow.

"Jay, you were in a coma at that point. So we fell to your emergency contact which was Hailey. So yes, we couldn't do anything without her permission. But, we can talk about that later. I originally came in here because you mentioned having leg pain?" Hailey was incredibly appreciative for Bradford and his beautiful ability to move things along. Whether it was in the tone of his voice, or what he said, or how his presence came across, it seemed to work wonders; especially with Jay. There was no other follow up question, or ideas of going back to what Bradford was hinting at. Instead it was pondering the origins of Bradford's question, his forehead squirming to confirm that scrambling for an answer was taking place in his mind.

"It's probably the tube that's in your leg," Bradford continued with, now leaning off end of the bed he'd been standing against and walking to Jay's right side.

"The what?"

"It's called a catheter that's been inserted into your femoral artery in your groin. That's all big words for a tube stuck in your leg. We used it to see what was going on in that brain of yours before surgery. Well, we've done a lot more than that. But basically its to help us get a clear picture of what's going on." Jay seemed to not need any further explanation of things, that or the sudden shockwave of pain in his leg confirmed what Bradford had explained. His once limp hand in Hailey's tensed in her grasp, making her flinch in surprise as Jay closed his eyes and quietly moan under the annoyance of the spoken of thing.

"I thought it had been taken out," she asked as Bradford donned a pair of gloves while Will got out of the way and on Hailey's side of the bed.

"No, I decided to keep it in just in case we needed to go back in there. But my hope is we can pull it out tomorrow. I want to do one more look around of things before pulling it out."

"Does it mean more surgery," Jay panted in quiet pain.

"No, we can use local anesthetic in the cath lab and remove it that way. I will warn now that it won't be pain free, but if you want to be awake for that we can make that happen."

"Just something to think about," Hailey reassured as Bradford slowly began pulling the blankets down to Jay's knees, explaining where he was going as he did so.

"I'm just going to check things. Your tube is about here," he replied, waving a gloved hand over the area on his own leg, acting as an example and mirror for Jay. Reluctantly he nodded, his grip on Hailey's hand tightening the closer they got to the leg in question and exposure just the pull of a gown away.

"I'm just going to lift this and put it to the side. Nothing else is exposed here," Bradford calmly spoke as he did the deed, soon Jay's incredibly bruised and sensitive leg was breathing air fully for the first time in forever. Hailey still could not bear to look at the thing, instead making sure Jay was looking right at her as Bradford peered over things.

"Hey, just focus on me," she just about pleaded as Bradford and Will's heads inched closer to the catheter site for better visuals of things. Jay could only nod, close his eyes and wince as he felt fingertips touch his leg.

"Sorry, sorry Jay," Bradford spoke several times as he poked and glanced around for a minute or so.

"I'm done, it's all done. I'm gunna give you a milder local anesthetic and Will, can you grab it from them" Bradford commanded as he put the order in. Will wasted no time standing by the door, knowing things were going to be coming fast and he wanted the handoff to be quick.

"I'm sure this thing is hurting a lot more than you're telling us," Bradford joked, causing Hailey to roll her eyes as Jay refused to budge in letting them know Bradford was dead on.

"But I really want you to rest tonight and not be in pain. It's going to hurt for a little while, but once we take it out it'll feel a lot better."

"Can I get up and walk around," Jay asked as the vial of salvation was handed off to Will who then beelined it for Bradford.

"Not while the catheter is in. Bearing weight right now is going to be too much pain and I'd just rather that you rest before moving. We can talk about walking to the chair after the procedure tomorrow." Jay winced against the needle going into his leg, clutching Hailey's hand as the burn of the mild nerve block flooded his system.

"The burning will go away in a couple seconds," Bradford commented as the vial was slowly dumped into Jay's system. As promised, he went from burning and stinging to having no sensation in his leg in under thirty seconds.

"Better?" Jay nodded his head, trying to adjust against the very hard hospital mattress. It was a failed effort, it always was. Hospital were not designed for supreme comfort.

"Okay, you guys know where to find me if anything comes up. Until tomorrow, rest. Rest and sleep and more rest. You need your strength and your body really needs to just chill for a little bit."

"When can I go home?" That one got everyone chuckling, even Bradford had no other choice but to crack a smile. Oh what Jay did not know, even the depth and multitude of dimensions that single word 'home' was going to mean to him before too long.

"Not today, we'll talk about it later." Bradford bid farewell with, giving nothing more than a single wave as he slunk back out into the quiet hospital hallway and disappeared out of the world. Jay, having been exhausted by talking and things happening to him slipped back into assumed peaceful sleep before Will had time to close the door.

"Well that went about as well as anyone could've expected," Hailey whispered as she stood up for her turn in the bathroom for some much needed refreshing.

"Yeah," Will acknowledged.

"I mean…it's a start," he corrected as she disappeared behind the bathroom door. Round one was over, Jay at least knew something…why he was the way he was right about now. As Hailey piled the toothpaste on to her toothbrush and began swirling around her mouth, she just prayed the smooth sailing and easy understanding continued as the rest of the puzzle pieces clicked into place. She knew it was most likely never going happen, but one could dream.

…

Either Bradford had a knack for doing procedures first thing in the morning, or that was the only time in the neuro floor's schedule that allowed for radiology procedures since no one else wanted to be up that early, or that was the best time to maneuver neurologically sensitive people around places. But, whatever the reason, the following morning was an incredibly early one to say the least. Daylight wasn't even breaking through the room's window just yet, very little movement had been happening on the floor just leading up to the stirring of the day. Will and Hailey had been sound asleep for quite awhile now, even Jay had put a solid five, six hours into the nighttime routine just before it all kicked off. The room, the floor, the whole world felt to be sound asleep when the quiet and muted yet prominent knocking of Bradford's chuckles against the frosted glass door sounded out into their lives. Will was the first one to wake up, as had been the case the whole day prior. Hailey, despite her best efforts and good intentions, was completely exhausted. Honestly she needed the next year of her life off. A nice, solid, serious period of time to just pull away and heal and recover from the trauma of her life the last few weeks. Jay was in for a very lengthy recovery, Hailey and Will and everyone else involved in this whole debacle were gearing up for a very long time away from reality as well. But anyway, it was Will who was the first to wake up, meeting Bradford's meek shoulder shrug and apologetic look as he sat further up in the cot that had Will's name written all over it. The locations seemed to be pretty self explanatory. Jay was taking the hospital bed, Hailey was going to be on the slightly more comfortable couch, and dear Will got the cot with added pillows for comfort and support. Will was going to need a new spine before this whole thing was over.

"Hey sorry, we've gotta take him back now," Bradford spoke as he dragged a team of two and gurney behind him. Will nodded, muffling a yawn as he sat all the way up, looking over to Jay and sighing as he slept things away. They all hated waking him up, especially when he got into these deep bouts of rest. He appeared rather peaceful, sleeping very soundly with strong breathing and relaxed vibes going out of him. The more he slept like this the easier it was for the others to wipe away the mechanical sleep that was forced upon him not that long ago. If nothing else, his independent breathing showed that indeed Jay was recovering, improving, and just a complete miracle.

"How has sleep been for him overnight," Bradford asked, keeping a rather large syringe in his left hand as he gingerly pulled the blankets down and located Jay's central line access point.

"The contrast. We've gotta give it about twenty minutes to work through his system," Bradford explained as things were screwed into place and plunged into his system.

"Yeah…I know man," Will chuckled.

"You know, I keep forgetting you're the medical one in all of this," Bradford joked back.

"What?! You think she is," Will teased back, motioning to Hailey who was still out to the world.

"Oh, I know she's not, but still I forget you're the one with the medical background." Will didn't know if that was a compliment or insult, about to dig into an answer on that one but Jay had other plans. His once passed out self was stirring, and not in a way that seemed pleasant and wonderful for him. His day began with moaning through closed eyes, eyelids coming open much too soon for his liking as his body seemed to be under some amount of distress. His legs twitched under discomfort as his arms worked to landing on his chest and pressing gently around where he was feeling an issue. When he finally looked out at life and the people around him, you could tell he was very much out of it, but incredibly unsure what was happening to him.

"Are you having any kind of chest tightness or burning," Bradford asked, trying to diagnose if this was an allergic reaction or not. Jay slowly shook his head, trying to blink himself awake and alert before very slowly responding.

"No…just…really warm."

"Okay, that's normal. I just injected the contrast for the scan before we get things going. It take a couple minutes to work through your system," Bradford explained as Jay just slowly nodded in a blank stare.

"I also feel like I'm pissing myself," Jay commented while rubbing his chest once more. Will was concerned he was messing with the central line location, but Bradford didn't seem to notice or stop Jay from doing that, so all must've been well.

"Yeah, that's also pretty normal."

"Okay," Jay yawned, watching Bradford step away from the bed as the two assistants worked a gurney further into the room, lining things up with his bed.

"What's going on?"

"Remember we're taking that line out of your leg," Bradford asked, now assisting with the unhooking of things as they prepped for Jay to be transferred.

"No."

"Well, we talked about it yesterday. Remember getting the shot in your leg to help with the pain?" Jay thought for a couple moments, soon allowing everyone to breathe a sigh of relief as he nodded in understanding.

"Okay, good. So we also decided to remove the catheter in your leg so that you can get up and walk around and the pain would get a lot better. Now does that sound familiar?"

"Kind of."

"Well, we're here now to take you to the radiology room so we can pull that thing out and get you feeling better."

"It's okay, Jay," Will cut into the conversation.

"It's gunna help you." Bradford had the last IV bags undone and resting on Jay's person, looking Jay square in the face before he smirked while grabbing the corners of the blankets they'd use to transfer him.

"It's not going to take too long and we'll make you as comfortable as possible. If it gets to be too much, just let me know and we can knock you out."

"I don't want to be knocked out," Jay responded as Bradford counted things down and cued for Jay to be moved. The very last word of Jay's response featured a bit of tensing and upward voice octaves as he was unexpectedly moved and landed on a whole new surface. IV bags were tweaked and everything was put in its' travel place before it was time to go.

"See ya, Will. We'll be back in an hour or so. Maybe two at the very most," Bradford announced as Jay was pushed out of the room and into the hallway.

"Hey, bye Jay," Will called back, getting up out of his spot and venturing out into the hallway. It dawned on him that this was the first time Jay had left anywhere and was aware of being moved out of a room. All prior times he was deep in a coma or sedated to know anything. So it took Will a little bit of time to realize that, understand that he hadn't said anything to Jay before he was escorted to a place he didn't know to have something rather unsettling and a little terrifying done to him without his full consent and wherewithal. Bradford allowed things to be paused just long enough for Will and Jay to glance at one another, one telling the other it was going to be fine. Jay's gave a quick nod as his cue to get things going, leaving Will to wave at him as they were moving down the hall. It wasn't till Jay was out of sight that he realized Jay didn't ask for him to come. Was he just not willing to ask those kind of questions? Not awake enough to even have that cross his mind? But if anyone knew Will, than you knew he was thinking far deeper, darker thoughts about that one. To him, in that very brief moment of seeing Jay disappear from the world, he wondered if Jay even wanted him there, or Hailey for that matter. Will couldn't shake that thought, he never saw his brother thinking those thoughts in the least. But when its a little after 6am and you're all alone in the middle of a neuro ICU floor, you're brain will convince you of many things.

But if Will could only know how false those notions were, because by the time Jay had made it to the radiology floor, been escorted down many halls and an elevator ride, he was absolutely petrified of things. He truly was wishing someone was with him. Someone who wasn't a medical personnel and someone he actually knew. Names were being rattled off that he was not familiar with. Noises and smells and sights that he'd never felt in his life were flooding his very restricted viewpoint. Like a newborn babe taking in life for the first time, these things probably ought to have been done gradually, perhaps talking through things or moving slower and making sure Jay was with them before taking another step into the unknown. Perhaps mercifully, Jay was too out of it or focused on little things to note the Gaffney Medical Center logos all over, or the picture frames housing Chicago cityscapes and major landmark images dotting the hallways. He somehow missed the elevator announcing floors and digital screens once again reading Gaffney Medical Center, again the sensory overload was consuming him so much that he was dwindled down to making sure he was breathing and conscious as he was being moved from place to place. Little did he know his life story of the last two weeks were all over his wrists, the medical bands that would very quickly and vividly paint a picture of all that he'd endured this time. It was so close to him, just a simple wrist move and the secrets of his life would be revealed without uttering a word. But alas, he was not fully aware and back yet to dive that deep into his detective mindset. He would get there in time, but today was most certainly not that time.

"Hey Jay, you with us," a very masked up and gowned Bradford beckoned Jay's way. Jay was trying to read the mystery person speaking to him, roving his eyes around the room he'd be residing in for a little time now. It was incredibly cold in this new room, and dark for that matter. There was a rather large expanse of space before meeting the large, white, flat and hard table-like surface that Jay was soon going to be lying on. There were too many people for Jay's liking in that room, too many unknown people who were about to do something to him that he was kind of, sort of, not completely at peace with. His journey from his slightly more comfortable hospital bed to this dark, cold, reeking of sterile life table came to a halt before Jay could embrace what was coming next. More people, more hands, more movement and quick airborne sensations before his rather exposed back touched down on the hard and freezing surface of the table. Jay flinched at the change in temperature, and that was where the most exciting part of all began. Not really.

Hands started feeling under his hospital gown, gloved hands that were also cold against his skin began roving for stickers stuck on his chest. When they did find stuff, things were temporarily pressed into his chest before clicking sounds erupted all over his chest. People were talking too much, things moving so fast and being removed from his person at a rate that made Jay truly freak out. It was no wonder when the heart monitors were finally hooked up to the machines that everyone took a pause at the sound echoing in the room. Perhaps they assumed he was out of it, or he was incredibly good at hiding his true emotions, but the full stop and witness everyone acted out when Jay's stats rang out in that room told the truth of everything. He was fully freaking out.

"Jay," Bradford spoke once more, this time ruining the sterile field he'd created in the form of pulling his mask down from his face. Yes, he would have to take the few extra seconds of removing mask and gloves before getting to work, but none of the procedure was going to take place if Jay wasn't relaxed and more under control. Bradford inched closer to Jay's head as the machines needed for the scanning and scope were pushed into place. He watched a few more seconds as Jay just did his best to breathe, his eyes racing around the room in a rather enlarged and panicked state. He was not okay and was very much overwhelmed. Bradford wanted nothing more than to sedate Jay and get this procedure over with. But alas, he had to respect his patient's wishes.

"Hey," he spoke one more time, just about to call for the sedative when Jay finally made the connection. He blinked in Bradford's direction, nodding quick in an effort to try and sway everyone into thinking he was fine. But as they always did, the heart monitors were telling the tale.

"I know you're scared, but you're doing great. I need you to try and relax and just breathe. Can you do that?" Jay cleared his throat, nodded before finding a spot on the ceiling to fixate on. Something told him that that was his ticket out of there. Stay stuck on one thing, lose everything to that one item, and he'd fall out of the scares of life and into a dimension that would fast track him out of this room. So even when Bradford faded away, even after he felt the gown come fully off his lower half and cold, wet substances get dabbed and drip all around his leg and groin region, all the way up till he felt the burning sensation of the local anesthetic get pushed into his leg several times before his whole lower half went numb, Jay did not leave his spot on the ceiling. He couldn't afford to let go, because the alternative was going back into that world that he feared more than any aspect of what he was living right about now. His breathing was the only other part of life that was consuming his person during that time, it was his one task in life right now. He felt he was doing really well, to his best understanding he'd calmed down and was doing swimmingly, but when that rippling sensation of losing control spread across his person, he knew something was off. He'd screwed up, things were going downhill fast, he despised that horrific drug more than anything else right about now.

"What happened," he just about gasped out of fear and surprise. Bradford smirked under his fully covered self, linking up the catheter to the lines and instruments he'd need to complete the final run through of Jay's brain. At least, he hoped it was the final passthrough of Jay's brain. Barring any kind of unforeseen circumstance, this was the last fail safe before full independence was granted to Jay. It was both scary and delightful to be at this point in the game.

"It's the Versed kicking in. It's just a little bit Jay. I really need you to relax right now," Bradford calmly spoke as the first thread of the scope was pushed into the catheter and began the snaking up through the veins and arteries and major intersecting points between the groin and brain. If Jay was alert the very first time this routine went down, he'd know Bradford was in full autopilot mode now, the true surgeon side of him kicking back into gear and on full pace. He was incredibly calm, mechanical, doing what he'd done hundreds or thousands of times by now. Jay was quiet for the next several minutes, the silence of his person alerting the world he was surviving as best he could at this point. Bradford quietly worked his way through the blood network of Jay's person, holding his breath a little as he crested the first layers of Jay cerebral arteries and major veins. Any sudden movements or hasty maneuvers and Jay was in a rather serious situation. So imagine the pure fear and adrenaline pumping sensation Bradford felt throughout his whole being as Jay twitched underneath his hands, the quiet gasp that came from somewhere close to Jay's head not too long after.

"You doing okay," Bradford asked, doing his best to maintain composure and calm as Jay's heart rate ticked upwards once more. He motioned for more Versed as Jay spoke up.

"Just started feeling a lot of pressure."

"Where?"

"My leg. Like a lot." Bradford nodded, watching one of the techs insert more of the requested drug into Jay's central line, all of them watching and waiting and willing the heart monitor to trickle back down to a level where they could continue.

"Okay, we just gave you stuff to help with that," Bradford half lied. He wasn't going to tell Jay he was quite literally in his brain at this very moment and that absolute silence was needed, also ignoring the fact that the pressure was many things being shoved into his veins right about now. But say any of that and they all were going to be that much worse off. So as they waited and waited and just prayed Jay would request to be knocked out, the drugs seemed to be loosening Jay's mouth up a little. As he did his very best to fight the drugs and pressure of his leg, things and questions from long ago came forth.

"What ever happened to the kid?"

"What kid," Bradford was quick to respond, truly searching his memory. Nothing was more vague than the description of 'the kid.' That narrowed it down to absolutely no one.

"The kid the whole operation was about."

"Ah," Bradford replied, now things making sense.

"I don't know, Jay," he replied, all medical staff in the room collectively sighing a brief moment of relief as Jay's heart rate dropped back down to a normal range. The procedure continued, Bradford nodding in approval of his handiwork as he thoroughly inspected the images coming through the screen.

"Well what about the mission," Jay pressed on, Bradford groaning a little as he cleaned up a couple areas that had been true stubborn parts of the DAVF repair. Two surgeries down now and he was still tweaking things. Jay was forever going to be incredibly lucky.

"They never did the mission," Bradford eventually replied just as the last clipping of his quick repair was completed.

"What?!" If Jay could he'd have sat up and glared, but alas there was just too much holding him in place. That and he was convinced they'd all kill him if he dared to move again.

"Jay, it never happened." Bradford slid the clipping tool out of the catheter, now solely focusing on the repair before moving to the aneurysm site.

"Why not," Jay's voice perked up with just as Bradford had arrived at the final stopping point of things. Full concentration was needed right about now, talking really didn't need to happen. But hey, at least Jay wasn't freaking out over what was happening to him. It wasn't till Bradford nodded in approval of things and removed the last of the instruments before daring to speak up.

"Because you went down just before the mission could get underway. You were almost to the chopper when this whole thing happened." Now it was Jay who was quiet for awhile, shell shocked at the news being told to him. The mission was green lit, it was going to happen. How could him going down have ended things so quickly. Furthermore, him not being there shouldn't have stopped things. There had to have been someone else that could've taken over, or some other time or day that would still align with it all working out. How they failed his plans, or more importantly a child in danger, was not sitting well with him in the least. None of this was making sense.

"No, the mission was on. We were going to do it today," Jay pestered on as the catheter in the leg was taken down to just the port now. The tape was being slowly removed by Bradford as he spoke.

"Jay, the mission didn't happen that day and it's been close to two weeks since this all happened."

"What?! No. It's only been…" but Jay had to trail off, because in all honesty he didn't know how long he'd been away. He knew he'd been out of it for a little while, but the full timeline had never been revealed to him. The falling and darkness and struggle to return had felt to be going on for a couple hours. But two weeks also felt to be a complete stretch of things.

"No," he stammered on with.

"Where's Jake?"

"Jake is not here."

"Okay, well what about Eric? He's got to be here."

"No, Jay. He's not here. No one is here."

"What?! You're bullshitting right?!" Bradford used Jay's confused state to cue that as the moment to pull things out, the long flexible tube causing an immense amount of pressure and torture for poor Jay, who instead of following up with his questions flinched and allowed a couple of pained remarks to escape his person. Meanwhile Bradford was pressing the life out of his leg as blood kept pooling out of Jay's incision site. He knew this was the risk of keeping things in place for as long as he did. But given Jay's condition it was a risk he was willing to take. Now he was just hoping the bleeding ceased before he'd have no other choice but to put Jay under. His eyes didn't leave the heart monitor as he was swapping out ruined gauze pads for clean ones.

"Jay…it's just you and I here. No one from the team is here. No one is waiting for us to get out of here. It's just you and I."

"So where is here," Jay consequentially asked? Just as he finished that, Jay's heart rate spiked high, way too high for Bradford's liking, signaling an incoming wave of bleeding and issues. Sure enough, he'd managed to glance down at the gauze padded leg before the gush of dark, thick blood spilled all over Jay's leg and the table before trickling on to the floor.

"Dammit, Jay. I'm sorry but we have to put you under and fix this," Bradford was really swallowing the panic now. He did not make it this far, put Jay through all that he did and survive as long as he had to watch him bleed out over an incredibly routine procedure. More gauze was plugged into the incision site as he could hear Jay protest and refuse the drugs, but he had no other choice. It was fight the drugs or bleed out and fall into the darkness for possibly forever. The full anesthetic kicked in in seconds, Jay's whole person going completely limp against Bradford's full weight of trying to make things stop pumping out Jay's lifeline. As the incision in his leg was made bigger and a clamp was rushed in to stave things off, Bradford sighed in frustration and hatred for having to be here doing this, and having dropped many bombs on Jay in the way that he did. Things could not have gone any worse than they had. Actually, there was one scenario that was worse and Bradford, at this point, was doing everything he could to avoid the one from becoming reality.

…

For the first time he could remember, he woke up willingly. There was no blinding light shining into his purview, no drop back down into reality or harsh, painful reason for being awake. It was like every other awakening he had in his life prior to all of this most recent chaos erupting. He was awake, then he heard noises, and he chose to open his eyes. The world he awakened to was blurry, both in vision and sound. Like just under the surface of a body of water, Jay could hear that noise was happening, people were talking and things were happening around him. But crystal clear sound and sight wasn't happening just yet. Jay closed his eyes, slowly inhaling through his nose and exhaling quietly out through his mouth. As he reopened his eyes a second time, repeating the process of acquainting himself with the land of the alert and living, things became more in focus and made sense. Gone was the beeping all around him, the extra bright procedure lights and ridiculously hard surface he was residing on was now swapped about for the closest thing to comfort and calm a hospital could provide. The blankets were warm, there was a pillow around him, and the only serious lighting was coming from the window down in the right corner of the room. People were not shouting for drugs, instruments, reasons for Jay to no longer be present, instead it was just casual conversing happening. Jay couldn't pick up what they were talking about, but noted the lack of fear and hurried nature to their tone. So either he was checking into the eternity and that whole thing had transpired, or once again he'd come away from something traumatic relatively unscathed.

"Hey, there he is," he could hear Bradford speak up, taking himself away from the window that was truly beaconing him to get up and see what was on the other side of the glass. He wasn't sure why it had never dawned on him to get out of bed and go take a peak. But it seriously felt to be calling him and it was becoming harder and harder to ignore things.

"Jay, can you hear me," Hailey spoke up, leaning in a way that her head blocked a corner of his view, her quick wave for his attention was what finally got him back to the three people that were very much concerned for his well-being. That window would be visited before too long, but they got his attention for the moment.

"You scared us there for a second," Bradford chuckled, waiting till Jay finally met his very concerned gaze. He got nothing more than a quick blink before adjusting the blankets that were gently placed back on top of him, but still, it was a very quick and poignant glance that spoke many things. Like two people keeping a secret from the whole world, both knew truths had been revealed, damage had been done in a sense. Now it was time to figure things out.

"How bad did it get," Jay yawned, doing his best to sit up and bed before realizing how stupid that idea was. His whole leg shouted in pain, a good hiss escaping his mouth before he could reign things back in. Hailey and Will sighed in hatred for him being in pain, Bradford just nodded before speaking up.

"Well, the blood thinner probably had you bleeding as much as you did, but we opened things up a little more and fixed the issue. You'll have a decent scar forever but you're leg is still in tact and the catheter is out."

"So another surgery to add to the list," Jay joked, allowing everyone to breathe a quick sigh of relief. It was very short in terms of what would follow next, but much needed for everyone. Jay was cracking jokes, he was very much on the mend.

"And a blood transfusion," Will pointed out, Jay turning his head back to the numerous IV stands, sure enough locating the dark red bag and line that was snaking down into his arm. Perhaps that's why he felt as decent as he did. Fresh blood can work wonders on a person.

"One catheter down, one to go," Hailey teased.

"What," Jay inquired?

"Think about it," Will teased, all of them watching Jay sit and ponder and try to sort out what that meant and where he was feeling things before it finally connected.

"Seriously?!"

"Well what else would you do?" Jay just rolled his eyes.

"So when can we take that one out?" Will and Hailey looked back to Bradford, who shrugged his shoulders before quietly responding.

"I don't know, a couple days maybe. You need to chill for a little longer before we do seriously mobility. But you can walk around the room with it and be fine."

"He'll just have to carry it with him," Will joked, making Hailey roll her eyes. But it became incredibly apparent that they were the only ones joking, the only ones finding humor in all of this. Because as they joked and jabbed, it was Jay and Bradford who were silent, one glaring at the other while they busied themselves with anything but acknowledging the truth, the elephant in the room.

"Where are we? For real this time," was Jay's dive into finding things out. There was no other time where it was going to be perfect, nor was Jay going to play along with being lied to or avoiding the full reveal of his reality any longer. He'd been there done that, was over the waiting and sneak around of things. Quite honestly part of him was incredibly pissed that they thought they could pull a fast one on him. Hailey looked to Will, who very quickly went from being all happy and smiling to figuring out the stare down happening between the patient and doctor.

"Well…are we having this conversation now," Will nervously asked, seeming to be throwing things off to Hailey who actually held her hands up in an effort to push things back.

"I know what happened," Jay answered for them.

"I know it's been quite some time since I was aware of anything. I know it's just us here. I know a ton of stuff has happened. What I don't know is where we are. So…who is going to answer?! If Eric, Jake, none of the team is here than we must be somewhere far away." My goodness, for being someone who was coming off a minor surgery and very much recovering from multiple brain surgeries, Jay was in full force now. The wait for the real Jay Halstead was over. He was back with some serious vengeance. When no one answered for ten seconds he just rolled his eyes and began pulling the blankets off of him.

"What are you doing?"

"Well if you guys aren't going to tell me I'll just get the answers myself," Jay quickly shot back as his whole body was revealed to the world now, Jay in the process of pulling a leg off the bed and in the direction of the edge. Hailey really wanted to stop him, but seeing that no one else was budging they were either shocked to be witnessing this, or really not expecting Jay to get very far in this game of chicken. He made it to sitting up on his own when Bradford finally put an end to things.

"We're not in Bolivia anymore," got Jay to hesitate before pushing his feet onto the floor. Whipping his head back towards Bradford he just stared and waited for more.

"And?!" Where are we, Columbia? Wherever the South American base is?"

"No, we're in Chicago," Bradford just about whispered, lowering his head over the mention of the location.

"Excuse me?!"

"Jay, we're in Chicago," Hailey spoke for the group, placing a hand close to Jay's as she tried to sit on the edge of the bed. Jay's incredibly deadly glare kept her at least an arm's length away.

"Okay, now I know you're joking. There's absolutely no way that's true."

"It is. You're back at Med," Will confirmed. More scoffing, a couple deep, sarcastic chuckles rippled out of Jay before he only just began to piece things together. It was the lack of a break from any of them, that and the immense guilt they all wore on their person. There was absolutely no way in hell what they were saying was even accurate. Brain injures typically went quick, would never survive the massive flight across continents and oceans before landing in the middle of the United States. None of that realistic side of things made sense, but it appeared and felt as if they were telling the truth. Now that window was too much to ignore, the most brilliant sun ray of light so perfectly cracked through the curtains and just about commanding he get up and see what was on the other side.

"I need to see," he spoke as whatever limited amount of energy he had pushed him to the edge of the bed. Will and Hailey wanted to put him right back against the pillows, but it was Bradford that gave the go ahead for Jay to walk to the window for a little bit. Ideally walking was going to happen a few hours after the blood transfusion was over, but this was Jay Halstead we're talking about and there was no way they were going to hold him back. The three of them assisted Jay with standing, Bradford making sure things were lengthened enough for him to walk to the window and stay there a few moments. The whole way Will and Hailey were right by Jay's side, both fighting back the tears as Jay shook in fear and lack of strength under him. Five very slow steps later they were at the window, Hailey not delaying things as she pulled the curtain back to reveal an absolutely splendid fall day. The sun was so bright all those looking out the window had to squint against the power. The sky so blue and lingering clouds so faint that it seriously looked like a fake backdrop. But what was housed underneath the near picturesque canvas was a skyline, a highway, a whole life Jay knew since he could remember. It was a city that he could map out with his eyes closed, a city he served, protected, defended overseas, and said goodbye to not all that long ago. Their conjoined story was over, the Chicago chapter was closed. He was moving past the city. It was always going to be home, the source of his roots and foundation for his being. But just as people leave, grow, branch out and flourish into other parts of life and the world, Jay's time had come to bid farewell and embark on a whole new aspect of life in the unknown. He was doing that, he was making progress. So to become the human boomerang and finding himself right back at square one in so many ways felt like many things, but nothing came across stronger than failure. He failed the mission. He failed his people. He failed that kid that was undergoing Lord only knew what kind of trauma and harm. But most importantly he failed himself, and that was where the sting and heartbreak was happening the most. He may have survived and achieved living up to this point, but anything else beyond this felt like a fail. He truly had no clue where life was going with this one, but for the first time ever didn't really care. He was pissed, furious, shocked to be where he was. So it was no wonder it was at this moment and this moment only that the tears really got going on Jay's side of things.

"Just leave me alone," he choked before Will grabbed hold of Jay and the two of them clung to each other for dear life. Hailey could only place a hand on Jay's back before succumbing to her own emotions that she'd held off as best and long as she could. Meanwhile Bradford was long out the door and down the hall.

"I'm so sorry, Jay. I'm so sorry," Will whispered over and over again as he held onto and kept Jay from collapsing onto the floor. It wasn't the answer Jay was looking for right then, but it was the only one any of them had right about then. It had to be mourned, the death of a dream or life that was never going to happen ever again. Jay knew, they all knew, the Army gig was over. Yes, Jay survived something horrific and historic, but for the first time in this story the next steps came into focus. He'd never clear the Army's medical requirements, he'd bid farewell to CPD in a very finale fashion, there weren't a ton of other options. So once he got out of here, stepped out into that next act on life, the question was already emerging in everyone's mind: now what?