I4.6

Chapter 36: Perception and Growth

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Adult themes. DO NOT read if you are underage or dislike controversial things.

Author's Note: There's never enough time when there's only 24 hours in a day...I've been working on this story for over a year!

"What do I call you?" she quietly asks as she stares at the heavy curtain that separates her from the ravenous masses.

Richard couldn't clearly hear her over the din beyond the stage and because he was lost in his own thoughts. He leans in closer to her face so that she can repeat her question. Breathing deeply through his nose, he takes in a deep, calming breath of her scent before humming close to her ear. "Hmmm?"

"I said," she repeats. Annoyed at having to ask again, "What do I call you now? You're not my Robin anymore."

Not my Robin anymore. Richard plays the words over in his head, but he can't figure out why he feels so hurt by that off the cuff comment. He was doing all of this so that she, and the rest of the world, can see him in a different light. So that she, and they, can recognize the changes in him that he sees in himself. Maybe, deep down inside, he's sad to see the ending of a crucial chapter in his life. Or, maybe, it's because she used the word "my." That simple two letter word is a claim of ownership that he's never heard uttered from her lips before. It felt strange to lose something that he didn't even know he had.

I'll think about this later, he tells himself. His beloved has asked a question that deserves an answer. He had stayed up late last night thinking about how he is going to re-brand himself. The suit was the easy part. It was, mostly, sensible design changes. The only thing about it that will cause a stir is the color scheme. He made sure that it matches Rachel's as closely as possible. The name, however, was trickier. Names carry weight and meaning. Isn't that why parents spend so long agonizing over what to call their children? Well, this new persona is Richard's child and he's chosen the name "Nightwing."

"Come again," she asks, "Did you say chicken wing?"

It's very rare for Richard to glare at Rachel, but in this moment, he couldn't stop his eyes from throwing daggers at her in his annoyance. He had thought long and hard about his new name. Weighed the pros and cons. He eventually settled on this one because it sounded darker and more dangerous while not deviating from his original time as Robin. To have her poke fun at something he took so seriously was just plain rude. Humph.

Rachel meets his glare with a cocked eyebrow and an annoyed expression of her own. He has to remind himself that she's still taking all of this in and trying to process it. It's barely been a half an hour since she saw his new suit. He hadn't given her any warnings or even asked her if she would be comfortable with him making this kind of declaration while she's on stage with him. All in all, he is being very inconsiderate.

"Nightwing," he states again. "I chose this name because I think it reflects my growth."

And because it reminds me of you, thinks Richard. He had toyed with the idea of calling himself something like "crow" but didn't want to seem like he was desperately mimicking Raven's persona. "Hawkwing" was a contender for a minute, but he hadn't wanted to shackle himself to a specific bird. Besides, it was way too similar to Hawkeye. Eventually, he settled on Nightwing because it is vague, yet menacing.

Rachel slowly says "Nightwing." She allows the name to roll off her tongue as she strings together the unfamiliar syllables. Her mind is trying to build a connection between what she's seeing and her longtime friend. It's a jarring experience to realize that someone can change so much, right before your eyes. How could she possibly not notice it until now?

Richard quietly stands beside her as her brain kicks into overdrive in an effort to make sense of this senseless situation. Instead, he directs his attention to just beyond the curtains. He has to tread carefully. He would hate for his well thought out plan to backfire in his face...not that he thinks that it would. Even if this day ends in utter disaster and Bruce decides to completely kick him off the Titans by the end of it all, Richard would not panic. He's already made contingency plans for where he would go and how he would get Rachel to follow him. If all goes well, and he is still the leader of the Titans by the end of this, then he'll finish his tenure as their commander and leave quietly with Rachel at his side. He doubts that he'll be there for long. He can already imagine the fallout that this new suit will bring to their team.

"It's time," comes the voice of Mr. Ricktor. He comes to stand beside Raven and Nightwing and gestures towards the stage.

"Is proper security in place?" Richard asks before either one of them proceeds.

"Of course," he responds, "I followed all of your direct specifications. No one will be allowed to rush the stage."

Richard nods once before turning to Rachel and saying, "After you, my lady."

She gives him a sharp look that he can't quite read, but he knows that she's nervous. How can she not be? There is hardly any part of her life that is familiar to her anymore. She pulls her hood up and over her head. Making sure to completely cover her face from prying eyes. Her cape drapes around her body to form a shapeless mass. She has secluded herself in her safe zone for this trial. Richard watches as she practically floats before him towards the stage and he slowly follows behind her. It is important that she enters the stage first. For dramatic effect.

Richard watches her carefully as the announcer on the other side of the curtain loudly proclaims her name. Her slender shoulders rise and fall as she takes one final deep breath before greeting the crowd.

"Please, allow me to introduce Raven!"

The reporters, journalists, and random spectators erupt into a loud roar of cheers and applause at the sight of Rachel's cloaked figure and Richard smiles to himself. He smiles because it feels good to see how far she has come in life and in the public's perception. When the team was originally founded, Raven was the least liked hero. Her personality wasn't as bombastic as Beastboy's or as jovial as Cyborg. She wasn't a beautiful extrovert like Starfire. The alien princess didn't have to endure an awkward preteen stage quite like Rachel did. The fiery red head already knew how to work the crowd from her time as royalty and she made sure that she would be a fan favorite. Robin didn't have to try too hard to win the public over because he was used to being in the limelight and because he had already built a reputation while working with Batman. Needless to say, Raven's anti-social behavior and secretive ways made her the least lovable of the team. The public didn't know what to make of her and so kept their distance while they analyzed and criticized every move she made and every word she said. It's one of the reasons why she rarely speaks publicly anymore. She'd rather turn the reins over to someone else while she stands off to the side in solidarity and support. That's how almost all of the previous team conferences have gone.

Living such a public life was very traumatizing for the quiet and reserved girl that joined his team. The monks that raised her kept her hidden away from the majority of the public on Azarath. She really only came into contact with other religious people and scholars. She wasn't used to being thrust before vultures who were ready and willing to peck her apart until there was nothing left besides the hollowed-out shell of a girl who was struggling to find herself. On the surface, she kept her composure, but beneath it all, Richard realized very early on that Rachel would use her books as a means of escapism. He couldn't blame her. The tabloids had been saying some less than pleasant things about her from the beginning. There was no doubt in anyone's mind that society places a lot of pressure on their young girls to grow up beautifully and to do so in a pretty way. So called beauty experts would invest so much time and energy in dissecting her facial features to determine if she would be attractive when she grew up. To add insult to injury, they would compare her features to Starfire's or some other child celebrity. In the end, most had concluded that she would be considered "pretty" as an adult, but not comparable to the other female on their team or even other female heroes of her generation. Rachel had tried to keep her chin up and show that those thoughtless and heartless comments didn't faze her, but Richard knew all those "just for fun" comparisons had bruised a sensitive spot for her. He can clearly recall her stifled crying…

"Raven?" Richard asks as he gently knocks on her door, "Can I come in?"

"Not right now," comes a scratchy reply. Her voices sounds as though she's been crying. "Come back later."

Richard looks down at the box in his hands. He wonders if he should just leave it at her doorstep. She'll find it when she finally comes out from hiding. But then he thought better of it. He has to give it to her in person so that they can build this bloody relationship. It's his job as the team's leader to make sure that all members of his team are capable and stable heroes. Right now, Raven is only one of those things. There is a small part of Richard that is worried that Raven might come to resent the people that she's supposed to protect because they keep comparing her to Starfire. If that were to happen, then there is a good chance that she will try to leave the team or worse...become a villain.

He shivers at the thought of having Raven as an enemy. She may not be a blushing beauty, but she commands a formidable intellect. Even for someone so young, she is well read in politics, medicine and spells. That's something that the public can't see and are probably too shallow to recognize. It's also an attribute that he's not willing to lose because some overgrown adults are casually cruel for fun. He needs to smooth this over while showing that he's a supportive leader that she can lean on. That she can trust. That she should listen to without questioning too much because he's a good person. With that rationale in mind, Richard tightens his grip on the box while gently knocking again, "I need to talk to you...and I have something to give you."

Who can resist gifts? Hardly anyone, especially teenage girls. Richard can hear a quiet shuffling noise on the other side of the door before it magically swings open. He doesn't think that he'll ever get use to her demonic abilities. The way that she so casually uses it to complete mundane daily activities is a bit off putting to him, but there is still a part of him that covets what she can do. If he could do a fraction of what she could, he would be part of the Justice League by now.

"Hi Raven," he says as pleasantly as he can given the situation. "I know that you'd rather be left alone…"

"Then why are you here?" she rudely cuts him off with her question. While valid, he has to swallow his annoyance at being interrupted. He has to remind himself that he's speaking to a wounded bird that will lash out in self-defense. He should be more patient with her.

"I'm here to check in and make sure that you're okay," he says as he gingerly places the box at the edge of her desk. It's full of scrolls, parchment paper, quills and ink bottles that have been haphazardly thrown around. Richard makes a mental note to get her a computer and show her own to use it. It'll cut down on her clutter and help give her a sense of organization.

"Are you judging me, too?" she half asks, half demands.

"Wha…? No. I'm just looking at your desk," he says as he finally turns his gaze to Raven. She's floating in the center of her bedroom. Legs crossed in the traditional meditation pose. Her hands gently resting against her knees with her palms facing up. She's surrounded by all sorts of books, but what catches Richard's eyes are the lit candles littered about. On the floor. Precariously perched on the shelves next to what he can only assume are combustible potions. This whole room is a fire storm waiting to happen. There were too many flammable objects for him to overlook.

"What?" she sarcastically asks, "Is my personal room not girly enough for you?"

Richard shakes his head because he knows what she's referring to. Earlier today, Raven came across Starfire, with curlers in her hair, absentmindedly thumbing through a tabloid magazine. She had been particularly engrossed in an op-ed piece about the various female superheros and their "attributes." Of course, the piece wasn't concerned about what these women had to offer in terms of ability. Instead, it chooses to focus on their sex appeal and charm...you know, the things that women should be known for. Neither Starfire nor Raven were on this list because they are still classified as minors, but that didn't stop the alien princess from pouring over the article and taking notes in an attempt to make herself more desirable to the people. Raven hadn't paid one bit of attention to her female companion gushing about fashion trends in the seat next to her until Starfire turned the page and realized that there was a junior edition.

This article was careful to not overly sexualize the next generation of female superheroes, but looks, costume and "love-ablity" were the attributes the author claimed to be assessing. There were notable names on the list like Supergirl and Wondergirl. Both of whom are older and fill out their combat suits quite nicely. Apparently, the article also named Starfire as a girl on the rise and someone to watch with great interest. The article spent some time complimenting the young princess on her looks and powers. Everyone watched, some in slight annoyance, as the young woman squeals in delight while reading the passage out loud. The young alien is used to living in the limelight and she is pleased that she doesn't have to give up that notoriety during her stay on earth. Richard wouldn't consider her outright narcissistic, but her reaction didn't sit quite right with him. It's always nice when others recognize positive things about you and sees the potential that you were worried you didn't have.

However, the pretty princess soon fell quiet as she kept reading the article. It wasn't uncommon for Raven's name to be brought up in situations like this and this article was no different, however, the commentary about the team's empath was less than kind. Usually, authors attempted to sugarcoat their dislike of her, but not this one. She had outright stated that Raven isn't physically attractive, nor does she have pretty tendencies. Whatever that really means. Richard just assumes that it meant manners, but he couldn't think of a time where Raven had openly displayed poor etiquette. It doesn't really matter because the articles goes on to describe the empath as untrustworthy because it's never a good thing when someone so young has so much to hide. Raven is a maybe hero that everyone should be weary of.

Once those words left Starfire's lips, she paused to look at her friend who had been calmly relaxing beside her. Once Raven felt all eyes on her, she scoffed at how ludicrous that article was and went on to rant about how women and girls are more than just their looks. She had tried to play off the mean comments in the article, but Richard could see the downturned corners of her lips. He could see the sadness in her violet eyes at being so shamelessly rejected by a world that she was trying so hard to fit into and protect.

He saw his opportunity.

An opportunity that has him standing in her dimly lit room with gift in tow. He shakes his head one more time before saying "You are just the right amount of girly."

"Ha!," she retorts, "You don't have to lie to make me feel better, Robin. I'm above these things."

"Then why are your eyes red and swollen?" he inquires as he takes a closer look at his teammate. Even in the dim light he can see the red, puffiness beneath both of her eyes. A telltale sign that she's been crying.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she says as her right hand drifts up to her face and gently swipes at the corner of her eyes. "It must be dusty in here."

"From all the books?" he offers. Giving her a way out of a potentially embarrassing moment.

"Yea...the books," she mutters before shaking her head and asking with less venom in her voice, "Why are you here?"

Richard gestures to the box on her desk and repeats, "I'm here to see you and give you this."

Raven looks at the package on her desk and sniffs suspiciously. As though smelling for his dishonesty. Richard can only smile at her wounded reaction. She may not be the prettiest girl that he has ever seen, but she can be so painfully adorable sometimes. His thoughts are interrupted when she asks, "What's inside?"

"I'm not telling you," he responds, "you'll have to open it yourself."

She gives him a look that he can't quite read but says nothing as she uses her powers to levitate the box and bring it closer to herself. Richard watches as her dark aura surrounds the lid of the gift and slowly lifts it up. There is a question in Raven's eyes as she removes a deep purple sweater dress and pair of thick black tights. He doesn't know much about fashion, but he had saw Catwoman wearing something similar when he had visited Wayne Manor a few days ago. He wasn't too sure if this outfit would be to her liking, but she barely owned any casual clothes, so she tended to wear her uniform by default.

"You bought me clothes?" she says with an arched eyebrow as she looks pass the floating apparel and scans his frame from head to toe. "..did you try them on first?"

Richard felt his eyebrow twitch as her sarcasm hit his ear. "Don't start…"

He had always been sensitive about the fact that he is roughly the same height and size as a girl who is younger than him. He often takes solace in the fact that Beastboy is still the shortest of the group and that he has a couple more years until he finishes puberty.

"Thanks, Robin," she quietly says, "even if I don't understand what this is for. I'm not trying to be ungrateful."

He takes a deep breath before continuing, "I'm not sure if you like it...it's okay if you don't! I mean...I don't know much about what girls like to wear, but I thought that you could use more civilian clothes, especially since it's winter and all...if you really don't like it, you can always return in it or exchange it for something else. Besides, I saw the purple sweater and thought of you…"

By the time Richard finishes his mini rant, Raven is standing in front of her mirror and holding the sweater dress against her frame. She makes eye contact with him in the reflection and says "Thank you. I appreciate the thought, but I still don't understand why you bought it."

"Umm," he began, "I bought it because I think you should go out more. You know...experience the city more, but not as a superhero. Just a regular person."

There is a snort from the empath before she says, "Why would I want to do a thing like that? I don't want to hear these people trash talk me to my face."

"Well, that's the thing Raven," Richard says as he folds his hands over his chest and leans a hip against her desk, "the real people of this city wouldn't do that. You can't believe what's written in those magazines and tabloids. They'd write anything to sell copies, even if they aren't true. The real people of this city respect you and appreciate how hard you work to keep them safe."

He watches as her brows furrow at that thought. He knows that there is a part of her that wants to trust what he's telling her. The only way that he'll get her to believe him is by proving it, so he continues with "It's true, Raven. I want you to change your clothes and take a walk with me. Not as Raven, but as an average resident of this city."

She glances down at the sweater dress in her hands and rubs her thumb over the soft fabric before asking, "Do you really think that the people don't hate me, Robin?"

"I know they don't."

"…" her small hands ball up into a fist as she mumbles, "well they should."

Richard can tell that her thoughts are taking a turn for the worse and that he should intercede so that he can provide the support that a good leader should. He needs her to begin fully trusting him.

"Listen, Raven. I don't know much about your past and neither do the people of this city," he says. "We only know what you've shown us so far and that has been nothing short of heroic. You've saved the people of this city. You've kept yourself in check even as the others tried to upset you. You haven't shown them any obvious faults, so they have to make something up just so they can have something to say. Keep doing what you have been doing and the people will come to love you over time."

Richard chuckles to himself as he recalls the disbelieving look that she gave to him before they launched into a heated debate about perception being reality. At the time, she hadn't thought that the love of the public will ever be on her side because they viewed her a grouchy, gloomy soul. He had to practically drag her out of the Tower that day and forced her to walk through much of the city with him. He showed her where the grocery store, bakery, and library were. He forced her to greet and interact with people so that she can get a feel for what regular residents were like. Their concerns did not revolve around the attractiveness of a child but about the safety and welfare of their loved ones. It didn't take long for her to realize that there is more depth in real life than what is portrayed in the magazines and gossip columns.

Now...his beautiful woman is adored by many. They have come to recognize her worth and, for the most part, respect her wishes for privacy. Their loud cries and cheers at the sight of her is still ringing in his ears and his smile widens even more. Richard couldn't quite put into words how proud he is of her. How desperately he needs her in his life. To keep him balanced. Keep him sane. Keep him from going off the deep end. Those seemingly insignificant interactions in their youth had laid the foundations of his admiration. His desires. His obsession. He has had a hand in creating the woman that she is today and he'd be damned if someone else came along and snatched her away from him.

Richard's internal musing is cut short when he hears the announcer's booming voice say "Now! Help me welcome...Nightwing to the stage!"

That's his cue. He heard the crowd begin to erupt into an applause before it fizzled out in confusion. They had been expecting "Robin." Who the hell is this Nightwing character?

Richard mustered all of his courage because it's too late to turn back now. He has donned this new suit and must commit to the metamorphosis that he is about to trigger. He has no idea about how the crowd will react to what they're about to see, but he will not allow that to deter him from this path. After several deep breathes, he pulls his shoulders back and stands to his full height. With practiced ease and forced confidence he strides out before the crowd.

He is met with confused silence. Every eye in the sea of faces is trained on his person. He can feel them raking their attention down his body. From the tips of his artfully disheveled hair to the comfortable combat boots on his feet. He gives them a moment to take it all in while the flashing lights of their camera blind him in their intensity. He wants them to see him. All of them.

Beastboy.

Cyborg.

Starfire.

Rachel.

Jason.

Alfred.

BRUCE.

I am no longer the boy you thought you knew.

Richard counts to thirty in his head before striding to the microphone at the center of the stage. He leans into it as he playfully says, "Welcome to our conference."

By now, most people realize that this was Robin wearing a different suit, but for those who were still unsure, the sound of his deep baritone unleashed a tidal wave of cheers and squeals from the crowd. Richard responds with his thousand-watt smile at the overwhelmingly positive reaction that he is getting from the crowd. A sense of relief washes over him as he absorbs this initial success.

He makes a show of turning his head to the left to smile at Rachel who is standing a little behind him. Her hood is covering her face, but he can still see her worried expression as she tries to smile at him. She doesn't quite understand why he is choosing this moment to make such a big reveal, but in her mind, he hasn't led her astray before. Richard can only imagine the number of hoops her logic is jumping through to rationalize all of this right now. He makes sure to soften his gaze as he looks at her because the spectators are watching. He knows that he will be verbally denying his feelings for Rachel, so he is counting on his body language to tell the story of their love.

When the crowd finally quiets down, Richard leans into the mic again and begins speaking. "I want to thank you all for taking time out of your busy schedules to come here today. I know that what you're seeing is a major shock, but I am the same man who was formerly known as 'Robin.' After a long deliberation, I have decided to retire that uniform and re-brand myself as someone new. From today on forward, I will go by the name of 'Nightwing.'"

He was met with a round of lukewarm applause, which is understandable. People are still adjusting to what they are seeing.

"I understand that many of you are still processing this version of me and I'm sure that you'll have plenty of questions. I'll do my best to answer them. But I want to assure the public that I will not break my oath to protect the people of my beloved city."

Hands immediately shot up in the air after his last statement and Richard's sharp eyes surf the crowd before finally landing on a plump reporter with a receding hairline on his right-hand side. He points to the man who stands up and is offered a microphone to speak into.

"Ro...ugh...Nightwing," he begins as his brain is working hard to string together his sentences. "Why have you decided to leave the life of 'Robin' behind?"

"That's a great question," Richard begins as he smiles brightly to the crowd and brings his hand up to rest on the blue bird emblazoned on his chest. "I did not make this choice lightly. I spent a long-time soul searching and asking myself why I no longer felt comfortable in the 'Robin' suit. Like it was too confining. Like I had outgrown it..and I think I have. I'm at a point in my crime fighting life where I would like to stretch my own wings and make a name for myself instead of wearing one that has been given to me."

An unsolicited question is shouted through the crowd from somewhere in the middle. "Does this mean that you're going to leave the Titans?"

He can feel Rachel stiffen beside him at that question because it was the very same one, she asked him not too long ago in the dressing room. She had asked it while fighting back tears. Wrapped up in his arms. One of her greatest fears might be coming true and all he could think about was how good she felt being pressed against him.

He turns his head to look at her before answering the question. Pausing to give her a little nod as the crowd watches on like hungry predators. Taking notes. Over analyzing. Making inferences. Planning their questions. He turns back to look at them and says in a clear and confident voice "I do not plan on relinquishing my position as the leader of the Titans in the foreseeable future unless I am asked to step down by my superiors and/or my teammates."

I hope you're listening Bruce.

He would rather not be forced out of the position, but if he were to step down tomorrow then the public will know that it was not by choice. From the research that he has done, it's safe to say that most of the residents of this city would side with him. Who hasn't experienced growing pains? A desire to define their own selves? Most people would just see this shift as part of the growing up process, especially since he hasn't done anything "questionable" in the public eye. Bruce would be hard press to make him quit now since he is hyper aware of public perception.

Several hands have shot up after his straightforward answer to the previous question and Richard points to someone who is towards the back of the conference hall. She is a beautiful dark-skinned woman with her heavy locks piled high on her head in an elegant bun. The contrast between her up-do and cut of her shirt shows off the slenderness of her neck. She takes the microphone in her capable hands and ask "Why this suit? And why right now?"

Her dark, knowing eyes dart between him and his beloved standing beside him. There is a small smile playing on her lips as though she already knows the answer and just wants her suspicions confirmed. Richard meets her playful smile with one of his own as he takes a step back from the microphone. He holds his arms out and slightly away from his torso to show off his new apparel. Mindful to flex his muscles for the camera. He can only imagine how many "fans" will be agonizing over this new suit that highlights his physique.

"You like my new combat suit? Yes?" he asks. He is not disappointed when his questions are met with squeals of excitement from his fans in the crowd. "It took a lot of work designing this suit. I spent weeks trying to figure out the best materials and form factor that compliments my fighting style. As for your 'why now' question...this shift is a long time overdue. I've been planning and thinking about this for so long that I've lost track of time. Then I realized that it'll never be the 'right' time, so I'll have to make the time right. Since we're already at this conference, then why not introduce Nightwing to the world?"

Richard can hear another disembodied voice off to his left yell, "Sure! But why is your suit the same color as Raven's?"

Finally. Someone asking the real questions. Richard's smile widens even more as the crowd impatiently waits for his answer to the question that's on everyone's mind. He lazily waves his hand in Rachel's direction before throwing his arm around her shoulder and pulling her to stand closer to him. He can feel her stiffen by his side now that they both are the center of attention.

"Well," he says with a sly grin on his face, "Raven helped me brainstorm the concept for this suit."

That statement wasn't a complete lie. She did aid him in his initial phase of planning his Nightwing suit. She, unwittingly, helped him settle on it's current colors that day at the aquarium.

The beautiful woman lifts the microphone up to her lips again and asks, "So...is this a matching couple's costume for crime fighters?"

Man, I sure do love flashbacks. Every time I blink, they take up half the chapter. Oh well. Can't stop, won't stop!