A/N: Thank you as usual for your lovely reviews. I hope you enjoy.
As soon as she was safely in her room, Arizona shut and locked the door then fell back against it and let out a deep breath. She hadn't intended on taking a break, she was going to power through it and try to figure out how she felt about it all later. But when Callie looked at her and offered her the reprieve, she didn't hesitate. She knew she was starting to feel overwhelmed by all the emotions Callie's words pulled from their hiding place in the recesses of her mind. The majority of the time, she was able to keep that particular hurt compartmentalized from everything else. But the last thing she expected when she walked into Callie's room was to see the absolute mess she was in, not over Mark, like she assumed, but over her, over the wound she never thought would get the attention it deserved. At first, she wasn't even sure what triggered such a reaction, but after hearing the guilt Callie held about Mark, she understood her talk with Sofia about visiting his grave must have been the cause. Based on the little blue note she had crumpled in her hand; this was something she planned to discuss all along and obviously was what she pulled last night and chose not to discuss it until later. Given how she was feeling right now, Arizona was glad they waited. She took another deep breath and realized she felt more than a little relieved to know Callie did see this as a major point of contention between them and wanted to talk it through. If she were being honest, part of her wondered if the whole kids, Sofia, custody thing would come up any more after the brief mention it got yesterday.
Pushing herself off the door, Arizona went to her bed, sat down, and quickly released her prosthetic. Finding the wrap her ex-wife had given her the other day, she placed it around her leg and adjusted the temperature and compression. She wasn't feeling the pain yet, but she knew it wouldn't be long before the stress and strain settled itself in her residual limb. Sitting back against her headboard, she closed her eyes and tried to will the tension from her body. At that very moment, her emotions felt like a frayed rope holding on by its last thread. She allowed the tears to flow as she recalled Callie's words. Reliving every detail was painful and tore at her heart, but at the same time, hearing her fears vocalized, hearing Callie admit to ignoring them…choosing to see them as something else, was healing and validating. The thing she couldn't wrap her head around though, the thing she herself never recognized until Callie pointed it out, was the fact that Callie carried Sofia, Callie birthed her, but she, she was the one who gave her life. It was…life-altering for her. That was the moment… the part in the movie that played out in her mind where everything stopped and she stood in that room frozen in time, the only thing moving, then it all starts to rewind and swirl around her. Crying in Callie's arms in her room, boarding the Torres jet to New York, dropping Sofia off with Callie and giving her plane tickets, picking Sofia up from Merideth's and hearing Callie crying from somewhere in the house, sitting on a bench next to Callie seeing her self-satisfied face and feeling all the love and hatred in the world for her, fighting for her daughter from the witness stand, handing Callie her lawyer's business card, sitting in a café talking about schools in New York, awkward pick ups and drop offs, screaming at each other in a therapist's office, sitting in a bed flipping a coin, hugging outside the hospital entryway, screaming at each other in the attending's lounge, standing in a scrub room declaring there was no baby, Callie on her knees kissing her abdomen that housed their baby, drinking wine and picking a donor, standing at Merideth's baby shower declaring she wanted a baby, rushing into the OR to save her child, screaming at Mark outside the ICU, carrying Callie's bags in from the hall, crowded around an ultrasound machine, sitting on her couch surrounded by boxes with Callie perched on the arm, standing in an elevator with tears streaming down her face, kissing Callie outside the ambulance bay, watching Callie step in front of a gun, fighting in a storage closet, walking out of Callie's apartment in shambles… when Callie uttered those words, that was the moment it all came to an end. That was the defining moment for her. The moment she knew Callie saw her as a mom, as a parent.
In her mind, in her heart, this was what she needed to start healing. She needed to know her ex-wife, her co-parent, the woman she loved and was falling in love with again saw her as an equal parent to their child, respected her as an equal parent. She exhaled slowly and rubbed her fist against the ache in her chest. She knew it was more visceral than physical, she also knew it didn't only stem from their earlier conversation but also from anticipation of what was still to come. Closing her eyes, she recalled the panic and fear in her ex-wife's eyes as she left the room. A big part of her was delighted that Callie noticed her emotional state and set aside her own concerns to allow her some space. She knew Callie well enough to know she was probably having an internal freak out, worried that this was the beginning of the end for them. Which it wasn't, not in her mind. Not anywhere close. To her, this was the beginning of the beginning. If it were the end to anything, it was the end of the old them, their past relationship. It was a necessary evil to allow them to start fresh without any skeletons in their closet. While she hated that she was in no state to reassure her of that when she left the room, she thought maybe her ex needed to see and understand that every argument didn't culminate in a breakup. Callie has always been black or white, in or out, do or don't, in her mind, there was no gray area, no standing in the doorway, no maybe. There was no changing your mind once you made a decision because something made you make the decision you did, so it couldn't have just flipped now. She knew that was the process behind Callie's thinking with all this, but it didn't excuse her behaviors, it didn't give her a pass to minimize her role as Sofia's parent. It took her a long time with Dr. Dawson to see that for herself, but it helped her to better understand the other woman's urgency, her need for answers, her impatience. She had no intention of making her ex-wife suffer though. She just needed a few more minutes to clear her mind and prepare for the next round.
Feeling slightly better…more settled, she sat up and took the wrap off her leg happy to see it hadn't started to swell. As she reached over to grab her crutches, she saw her phone was blinking with a message. She smiled when she saw who it was from and wanted to laugh out loud when she read the message.
C: Hi mommy, it's me Sofia. Mama is taking me to Bella's to play for the day, she said you said it was okay already. I hope you have a good nap. Love Sofia Robbin Sloan Torres.
ME: Have fun baby girl.
"Chicken!" Arizona mumbled good-naturedly as she tossed the phone on the bed and made her way into the bathroom to shower.
XXXXX
Callie sat in her driveway holding her phone in one hand and the remote for the garage door in the other. Arizona's text came through about a half hour ago as she was getting ready to leave Maria's house after dropping Sofia off. She was scared to read it. So here she sat, in her car in the hot sun not opening her message in fear of what it may hold, and not opening her garage in fear of what it may not hold. What if the text said Arizona was leaving? What if she opened the garage and her car was gone? Shaking her head, she closed her eyes tight and pushed both items at the same time. She then breathed a sigh of relief as she saw Arizona's car as well as her reply to their daughter. Then she took a deep breath and worried that maybe Arizona wasn't ready for her to be back yet, maybe she wasn't ready to talk. What would she do then? Would they both just sit in their rooms all day avoiding each other? Would they walk around the house being polite and cordial, afraid to say too much? Exhaling slowly, she pulled into the garage and turned off the engine. Getting out of the car, she turned just in time to see Arizona standing at the door with a box in her hands. Her heart dropped as she realized she didn't see the blonde as she pulled in, so she wasn't carrying it into the house to unpack, she must be…she must be carrying it to her car. She wanted to yell and fight for what she wanted, but how could she? She turned away for a minute pretending to get something out of the front seat just so she could calm her nerves and wipe her tears away. As she stood up and shut the door, she saw Arizona standing in the doorway with her head tilted to the left watching her carefully. Rounding the end of the car, she noticed the box was no longer in her ex-wife's hands. Looking around, she didn't see it anywhere. Finally she asked, "Umm where did, um where did that box go?" Arizona stood quietly as if she were trying to figure out what she was just asked. Finally furrowing her brow in confusion, she said, "In the recycle bin." and waved her hand at the blue barrel that was now full of broken down boxes. Callie nodded and let out a relieved breath as she started into the house.
Arizona realized the minute Callie asked about the box that she had indeed been having a minor freak out, well based upon the glistening in her eyes, maybe a major freak out. Reaching out, she took Callie's hand and immediately linked their fingers together. She then pulled the taller woman into the house, down the hall, through the kitchen and out onto the patio. Without saying a word, she positioned Callie in front of her preferred seat on the rattan sofa and unceremoniously shoved at her shoulders to get her to sit down. She then climbed into her lap so she was sitting sideways and looked into confused brown eyes. It only took a few seconds for Callie to wrap her strong arms around her middle, though she was still stiff and unsure. Continuing to look into those swirling pools of emotion, Arizona lifted her left hand to scratch along the soft stubble at the back of her head while she placed her right hand on her smooth caramel colored cheek. Seeing the storm settle in her eyes and feeling her jaw relax, Arizona spoke softly, "Calliope, I need you to trust me. I need you to trust us. I need you to trust that every time one of us is upset, every time one of us needs space, every time we argue, and we will argue…I need you to trust that it doesn't mean the end." She stopped and thought for a moment then added, "Well, in this case, it does mean the end." Seeing the flash of pain cross the brunette's lovely face, she quickly explained, "Everything we have been talking about, this is the end of it. It is the end of the pain and the anguish we caused each other. It is the end of all the tragedy and trauma. It is the end of Seattle Callie and Arizona. What we are building, this…" she waved between the two of them and continued, "…this right here is just the beginning, the beginning of the beginning of New York Callie and Arizona. We can keep the best parts with us, the things we told our daughter about this morning, the things only we know about the other, the favorite parts you talked about the other day, we can make us whoever we want to be. In order to do that, we need to stop seeing the end and start seeing something new. A new challenge to overcome to build a better us." Callie smiled then, one of her genuine mega-watt smiles and rested her forehead against the blonde's as she whispered softly, "I really like New York Callie and Arizona." Arizona offered, "Me too, so we can't be afraid, okay? We can't be afraid to talk and argue because we are too terrified to lose this because that is a surefire way to do just that. Seattle Callie and Arizona are proof of that." Callie nodded in agreement and tilted her head to place a soft kiss on the corner of full pink lips.
Arizona sat back, put both of her hands on Callie's shoulders and said, "Now I said all that so I can say this. We have more to talk about and I am ready to do that if you are. I just think it is extremely important for you to understand, I'm not going anywhere. This already broke us remember?" Inhaling through her nose, Callie nodded and ran her hand through her unruly bangs for what must have been the fiftieth time today then rested it on Arizona's hand. She asked, "Um, do you, would you mind sharing how you are feeling about all this?" Already knowing she will need space for this conversation, Arizona slid off Callie's lap as she thought about what she wanted to say. Deciding for the sake of their future, she needed to say it all, she said, "To be honest, I didn't…I didn't expect this, um, entire conversation. I didn't know, I didn't know…" She closed her eyes in frustration. This was so much harder than she thought it would be. Taking a deep breath she said, "Callie, we haven't talked in over two years and I'm just now learning about all your changes and the things you talked about in therapy, so I didn't know if you even saw this as a problem. If you saw how badly everything hurt me." Feeling exposed and unsure of how her ex-wife would take that information, she turned so they were both facing the yard now. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see tan fingers twisting and tangling around each other. Finally she heard, "That's um…that's understandable. I mean, I never gave you any reason to think I saw it as a problem. I would have hoped you'd see, um, that I've changed and…" Callie was cut off when a creamy hand covered hers. Arizona looked up into tortured eyes and said softly, "I do. Oh Calliope, I see all the changes, the nuances, I see how hard you have worked on yourself both physically and emotionally. I am so proud of you, of how far you've come, not just for me, but for you. I see a peace in you that I don't think I have ever seen. I just, this…kids, Sofia, Mark, all of it was such a loaded thing with us almost from the beginning."
Feeling better because Arizona did see her changes, Callie gave the other part more thought. "I was always so convinced I was right." Arizona nodded and Callie asked, "What else?" Arizona smiled, "Well, I am relieved that you did see it as something we needed to discuss, something you wanted to talk about. Even though it all hurt to talk about it again, I am thankful that you brought up the things you did, that you recognized we were both at fault, that you acknowledged and understood how I was hurt while still saying how you were hurt." Callie cut in then, "How I hurt you. It's okay Arizona, I know I hurt you and that's what this whole thing is about right? Telling you what I feel I did wrong and apologizing for it?" Arizona nodded. Callie turned her hand in Arizona's and linked their fingers, "Is there, um, is there anything else?" Arizona bit her lip and nodded, "Did you…did you mean it when you said that about…about um you giving birth to Sof…but, um…" She trailed off as she realized she was slightly worried about the answer. What if Callie didn't mean it the way she took it? Seeing the apprehension written all over Arizona's beautiful face Callie quickly offered, "When I said you gave her life? Did I mean that you are just as much her mother as I am? Yes Arizona. I meant it with my whole heart and everything that I am. Neither of us would be mothers if you wouldn't have run into that OR, rules and ethics be damned." As tears sprang to her eyes, Arizona asked, "You really see me as an equal?" She started to worry as Callie hesitated before answering, "Yes, and no." Anticipating the blonde would try to get up, Callie held tight to her hand and said, "Yes, I think we have equal rights and equal say over what happens with our daughter. No, I do not think we are equal parents because I think you are far superior when it comes to seeing what our daughter needs, adjusting to those needs and meeting those needs. I meant what I said earlier about you melding your needs and beliefs to meet Sofia's, about you bending because she is your daughter."
Seeing Arizona shake her head preparing to argue, Callie said, "Yes Arizona. Maybe not always, but when it came to coming here. I only saw what I wanted to do. I didn't ask Sofia; I didn't ask you. I bent both of your needs to accommodate me. You were the one who saw what was best for her, you tried to tell me, but as usual, I pushed and in that case, manipulated things until I once again forced your hand. In court, I allowed my lawyers to play dirty, I let them say horrible things about you personally…" Just thinking about what her lawyers did sickened her. Standing up, Callie walked around the table and turned to face her ex-wife with tears of regret streaming down her face as she said on a sob, "I didn't know it was going to happen, but once it did, I didn't stop it. You were right though; you never would have done that. You never would have attacked me where you knew it hurt the most, but that's exactly what I did, what I allowed. That's what I always did. I fought dirty when it came to Sofia and our baby and wanting more kids." Wiping angrily at tears she didn't feel she deserved to shed, she continued, "I attacked your character, your job, your loyalty to your daughter! Who does that? What kind of parent tries to destroy the other parent?" Callie's pacing became more furious as she began to gesture with her hands and her voice rose as she said, "Oh! And let's not forget the stellar moment when I nonchalantly suggested you could come see her whenever you want! What the fuck Arizona? Hey, plane crash survivor, it's only a six hour flight, no big deal. You were in a fucking plane crash and I wanted to take your daughter across the country and the only way you could see her was to get in a damn plane." She threw her hands in the air and turned to glare at Arizona and said, "A-and you know what? You never once said a word about that. Never once did you try to use that against me. It wasn't until your visit to get Sof settled that it even occurred to me. That's when…" Shaking her head now, Callie walked over to sit in front of Arizona on the coffee table and calmed her voice as she said, "That's when it all started coming together for me. Sitting there, in the hospital while you slept off the sedation, you looked so small and vulnerable and not at all like you, and, and it was my fault. The last time I saw you in a hospital bed, you…" She snorted then finished, "The last time you were in a hospital bed, you were in a plane crash. That's when I took a good long look in the proverbial mirror and wondered what the hell happened to me. The love of my life was in a plane crash and I just overlooked it to get what I wanted." With that, she lowered her head into her hands and let the tears come.
As Callie talked about what happened in court, Arizona felt her own tears begin to fall. In her opinion, the whole thing was a fucked up mess. It was three days of pure torture followed by months of fallout from the aftermath. She wasn't sure why, but out of everything Callie just said; it was that last part that stuck with Arizona. She knew something changed with Callie during that visit, she just didn't know what it was. Apparently, this was it. Her visit to New York is what initiated all this change. Reaching her hand out, she ran her fingers through the long curls at the top of Callie's head and scooted up on the sofa cushion until they were knee to knee, wrapped her hands around Callie's on her face and kissed the top of her head. Quietly she said, "I'm not going to lie and say all of that didn't hurt like a bitch Callie. If there was ever a point in our lives that I wanted to hate you, that was it." Callie raised her head then and Arizona could see the devastation in her eyes, hear the desolation in her voice as she said, "But you didn't hate me. You won, you won and you still brought me our daughter. You loved me so much, something I didn't realize for a while, but you loved me so much, you gave me the most precious gift you had to offer and sent me off to be happy." Arizona always wondered if she ever realized that was why she did it. Now she knew. Almost in awe, Callie continued, "But that wasn't enough, you gave her back to me legally. And, and now, here you are again, bringing our daughter back to me." Callie wiped her face then and rubbed her hands down her thighs. Sometimes she couldn't believe this woman's heart.
Taking both pale hands in hers she said, "This is what makes you a better mother Arizona. You saw what was best for her in the first place and fought to give her that. You fought clean and knew destroying me in the process wouldn't do our daughter any good. You won full legal custody of our daughter, I wasn't going anywhere, but you brought her to me and told me to go be happy. You faced your deepest fear just to see her, to make her happy. When Sofia was struggling in Seattle, you saw the reason behind it and just quit your job and left everything behind to bring her here. You hold her father in high regard and tell her only the good even though you initially hated that he was involved. You changed your dream to be her mom, you changed your beliefs to meet her needs, you changed your life to meet her needs. You bent for your daughter when I wasn't willing to. For so long, I didn't give you the credit you deserve, so just, just let me okay. Let me say you are the better mom." Arizona squeezed Callie's hands and shook her head, "I can't do that Callie. I can't let you say that. We are co-parents, we both provide for our daughter, when one of us can't the other can and does. When I couldn't parent her after the plane crash, you did. When you couldn't parent her because…" "Because my head was so far up my ass I could have performed my own colonoscopy?" Arizona laughed and said, "I was going for something more subtle, but that works just fine." Both women laughed at that and just enjoyed the fact that this talk was a little less emotional. "But the point is, when you couldn't, I did. We are a team." Arizona declared.
Callie finally looked at Arizona and said, "Arizona, I don't know if I can ever make any of this up to you. I know I want to spend the rest of my life trying to show you how sorry I am, how much I believe in you, how wrong I was. I know sorry isn't sufficient, but I am, I am sorry for pushing you and not listening to your needs, that first time, after the miscarriage, and the last time when you took the fellowship. I'm sorry for not listening to your fears, for dismissing them and more than that, I'm sorry they came true anyway. I'm sorry for all the times I treated you like anything less than Sofia's mother, my co-parent, because you are her mommy, you were mama first, and you are the only person I can ever imagine having children with, the only person I want to share my kids with. I'm sorry for being a selfish, self-centered ass and trying to take your daughter away from you." Both women had tears streaming down their faces and were sobbing uncontrollably. Callie finally felt free of the guilt she had been carrying for nearly two years and Arizona felt recognized as Callie's equal. She pulled Callie closer and the two clung together as they closed yet another chapter of their old life.
Finally pulling back, Callie asked, "Are we okay? Is there anything I left out? I was all over the place for a minute there." Arizona sat back and thought about it. She really didn't want to revisit this if something popped up later. Finally, something occurred to her. She wasn't sure if Callie even knew the answer to this, but she had to try. Seeing the question on Arizona's face, Callie asked, "What is it?" Arizona tilted her head and said, "You, you explained most of it, I understand the beginning and the end, and I even understand why both of those things happened, but what I don't understand is why did you start using that against me? It didn't start until…until the miscarriage, then it was like…" "A broken record?" Callie supplied. Arizona nodded sheepishly, "Um, yeah, kinda." Callie sat back and said, "I actually talked to Dr. G about this for several sessions. I didn't…I didn't understand either because like I said, you…you never gave me reason to feel that way after that first fight when we broke up because of it. But it didn't make sense to me and sometimes it still doesn't because you were the one I wanted to have kids and a marriage and a life with. But when I got that, I kept accusing you of not wanting it. Dr. G thinks I mainly brought it up during the times when we were talking about having another baby and when it fell through, I put all the blame on you because of that first argument. She said, and I agree with this part, she said that I wanted another child so badly and I refused to admit that I pushed when you weren't ready, or I refused to take responsibility for my role in it falling through, so I used you as a scapegoat because of that first fight." Arizona thought about that for a minute, then realized, "You said Dr. G thinks that, is that not what you think?" Callie dropped her head and shook it, refusing to look Arizona in the eye. The blonde smirked as she said, "Did you not hear me earlier when I told Sofia you refuse to look at me when you know you are going to be in trouble?" Callie nodded and mumbled into her chest, "I heard you." Tilting her head to try to figure out what was happening, she asked, "Do you think your answer will upset me?" She huffed in exasperation when all she got was a shrug of the shoulders. Callie was acting like a child. Suddenly understanding she asked, "Are you embarrassed by your answer?" The blonde furrowed her brows in confusion when she shook her head no, then asked, "Ashamed?" Callie nodded her head then and Arizona finally understood. "It doesn't make you look good?" Callie lifted her head then sarcastically asked, "Does any of this make me look good Arizona?" Throwing her hands in the air, the blonde demanded, "Oh out with it woman." Picking up her head, Callie said quietly, "I think…I think I did it sometimes because I was hurt and wanted to hurt you back and I knew the fastest and hardest hit would be to question your commitment as a parent because deep down, I knew there was no question about it at all, but I knew it was a weakness. So I threw that in your face because I am an ass." Arizona scrunched up her nose and asked, "Is that it?" Callie's eyes snapped up to meet hers, "What do you mean is that it?" Arizona said, "I already knew that Callie. You strike when you are hurt. But that was it? It didn't go deeper than that?" Callie thought for a minute then shook her head, "No, it doesn't go any deeper. I was just being…mean." Callie tilted her head then and asked, "Um, anything else?"
Reaching out, Arizona took Callie's hand and intertwined their fingers, "No, we're good. So this, this never comes up again? No matter how mad you get?" Callie held up her pinkie and offered, "Pinkie swear." Arizona smiled and linked their little fingers then pulled the brunette in for a kiss. After a few soft touches of lips, Arizona swiped her tongue across the plump bottom lip she just nipped with her teeth. Callie groaned as she slid her tongue across Arizona's and felt a warmth rush through her veins. Lips still connected; Callie pushed forward helping Arizona scoot back on the sofa then quickly straddled the blonde's lap. Both women moaned as Callie lowered her body settling her mound against Arizona's and squirmed slightly as she felt the wet heat pool between her legs. She slid her hand down Arizona's side and snaked it under her shirt gently scratching at the taut skin up and down her rib cage getting closer and closer to her breast each time until she finally closed her hand around it. Arizona whimpered and lifted both hands and slipped them under the brunette's shirt and splayed them so the bottom half was tucked into the waistband of the tight jeans and the top half was on the small of her back. Arizona shifted as her clit began to throb and her nipples tightened with need as she felt Callie's hand on her bare skin. She wanted nothing more than to slide her hands around the front, undo the button and slip her hand down the silky soft panties she currently felt under her fingers. Instead, she slid them up the muscular back and around the sides until her thumb brushed against the smooth fabric of Callie's bra slipping her hands underneath and cupping both delicious mounds in her palms. Callie gasped at the feel of skin on skin and rolled her hips causing Arizona to thrust upward. Callie leaned in and nipped at Arizona's earlobe as she said, "We need to stop before I carry out my promise from last night." Arizona closed her eyes trying to fight off that visual and nodded, lost in the feeling of Callie licking and sucking on her pulse point. "I'm…mmmm…God I've missed your mouth." Pulling back, the brunette smirked and said, "Remember that when I've got you squirming underneath me begging…" She was cut off by the shrill ringing of her phone. She groaned when she recognized the caller based on the ringtone and offered, "It's Lorraine." Arizona nodded and slowly pulled her hands out of the cups of Callie's bra but not before scraping her fingernails across both tight nipples making the taller woman gasp out and glare at her as she crawled off her lap, pulled out her phone, and connected the call.