Chapter Twenty-Two: Gaslight Is Best Served Hot

What was wrong with me? It felt like my body couldn't get comfortable no matter how I positioned myself. Heat. The air was scalding. How was that even possible in the North Pole? My eyes shot open. Wait. I wasn't in the Arctic anymore. Solid earth lay beneath my trembling body, and smoke filled my nostrils, suffocating me. I was surrounded by burning buildings, and through the ashy haze, I realized it was my old village.

"Tashi!"

Squinting, I gasped while fresh tears ran down my face. No. This was impossible. My body seemed to move on its own accord, for the next thing I knew, I was dashing forward.

"Grandma! Grandpa!" My hand reached out to them.

Yes. It was them for sure. I was able to make out their distraught faces, but as I ran, it felt like I wasn't getting any closer. What was going on? I went into a full sprint, but I failed to close the gap between us. In fact, it looked like they were getting farther away. Why? How was this happening? Their voices faded until I couldn't hear them, and I cried out.

A sharp pain struck my left leg, sending my whole world into a spiral. My face collided with the ground, and blood filled my mouth from the sharp bite in my tongue. Was my nose broken too? Laughter erupted behind me, which only worsened the throbbing migraine that seared through my skull.

"Where do you think you're going, my little air-bender?"

I knew that voice. Gritting my teeth, I willed myself to turn my head toward my attacker. Rage and fear rushed through my veins at the sight of Zhao smirking behind me. I swiped my arm into a weak punch, but no air came out. My heart skipped a beat, and I tried to punch again. No air. Why couldn't I bend? I tried again, but this time Zhao caught my fist. His hand burned mine, and he bent my arm backward until he saw me whimper.

His sadistic smirk widened, and with a sharp kick, he snapped my arm at the elbow. I shrieked, crying out for anyone to help me, but there was no one. My grandparents now lay dead, the fire engulfing their corpses. Despite the immense pain, I struggled against Zhao, and he chuckled before kicking me in my stomach. What little wind I had left in me was knocked out, and my attempts to catch my breath were thwarted by the smog. My lungs felt like they were on fire, and I could only cough, my vision going blurry.

"Fire feeds on air, little one. Your sorry excuse of a nation stood no chance. They were weak." Zhao kicked me onto my back. "And so are you."

"I'll survive." I coughed up blood. "I always survive."

Zhao scowled at me. "Pathetic until the end."

A large blast of fire engulfed me.

….

My body jolted upright. I was drenched in sweat, and my heart was beating so fast that it felt like it was trying to escape my chest. Eyes wide, I frantically scanned my surroundings. It was night, and glancing to the side, I saw Aang, Katara, and Sokka sleeping next to me. I noticed Momo perched beside me. I patted his head, and he climbed into my lap.

Only a dream. I sighed.

Yet, I didn't feel safe. Mentally, I was unnerved, and the panic rushing through my body wouldn't let me return to sleep. Why did the nights have to be so long up here? Hours passed before I noticed a glimpse of sunlight creeping into our room. I knew the others would be up soon, so I got ready and slipped outside.

I wandered the icy streets, hoping to clear my head, but the storm cloud of dread wouldn't leave me. I found a secluded spot to meditate, which turned out to be my worst idea yet. No matter what I did, I couldn't relax. My body trembled, I felt short of breath, and paranoia consumed my racing mind. All I wanted was to punch something or someone, but I was trying to abide by Aang's rules for the time being. Still, my anger and frustration continued to bubble inside of me with no hope of release.

I glanced toward the sun. Maybe it's time for another healing session.

I made my way over to the healing huts and waited. After some time, I saw a group of little girls exit the main hut.

"Tashi?"

I turned to see Katara rushing over to me. "Oh, morning, Katara."

"What happened?" She stopped beside me. "Aang was looking for you."

"Sorry." I shrugged. "I had a rough night, and I needed some space. But nothing I try is working, not even meditation. I figured Yugoda could help."

Katara furrowed her brow and took my hand. "We'll go together. I was going to request for Yugoda to train me a little more in healing anyway."

"But I thought you hated healing lessons?" I said.

"No." She sighed. "It wasn't fair that women in the Northern Tribe could only use their bending to heal, but it's still a useful skill."

We headed inside the main hut and found Yugoda near the healing pool.

"Morning, Master Yugoda." Katara bowed her head.

The older woman turned toward us with kind eyes. "Katara, Tashi, good morning."

"Sorry that this is on short notice." I bowed my head as well. "But I was hoping that… I mean, if it's not too much trouble…."

Yugoda nodded. "Night terrors again?"

I slumped my shoulders. "Yeah."

Walking over to me, she placed a hand on my face and tilted my head from side to side. "Your health is improving. Why don't you lie down on one of the beds, and we will get you started."

"We?" Katara said.

Yugoda chuckled, her gaze shifting to Katara. "You've caused quite the commotion these past few days. You truly take after Kanna. However, I see no reason you should neglect your healing training. But be warned. This is a far more advanced lesson."

Katara bowed again. "If it means helping my friend, then I'm all for it. Please teach me, Master Yugoda."

"Very well," she said.

I did as Yugoda requested and waited for further instruction. The older woman positioned Katara to stand behind me and placed one of her hands on my forehead.

"Healing the mind is a complicated procedure." Yugoda's tone became serious. "One's mental state does not repair the same as the physical. It is like the ocean. Unyielding and unforgiving, a push and pull of emotions, and the center of one's chi. You must tread carefully, and let the flow of Tashi's will guide you. When you meet too much resistance, stop immediately."

"Yes, Master Yugoda." Katara bit her lip, and she pulled her hand away. "Perhaps you could go first.? As a demonstration?"

Yugoda summoned a stream of water from the healing pool. "Tashi, close your eyes and relax. Focus on the memories that plague you."

Doing as she asked, I shivered a little when the cool water touched my skin.

"Now, Katara, remember that within this branch of healing, you cannot control the patient's will. Let them guide you. My bending shall provide Tashi a safe pathway to confront her past."

I did my best to maintain my breathing while I tried to pinpoint a memory. I thought of the dream that I had last night. The fire, my grandparents, and Zhao. This was all his fault. How was I supposed to heal when he was still a threat to me and my friends? No, I'd never be able to move on until I saw him dead.

"She's crying." Katara's voice echoed around me. "What does that mean?"

"We're making progress," Yugoda said. "Now, Katara, collect some water and help me."

I soon felt an extra touch and realized that healers must have a signature to their bending. Katara's energy wasn't weaker, considering her inexperience, but it felt more inviting than Yugoda's. I leaned into to it.

"You can do this, Tashi. Not matter what happens, I'm here," Katara said.

I knitted my brows, a shudder running down my spine. That's right. Katara supported my decision to take down Zhao, while Aang…. Why couldn't he see that forgiveness wasn't an option? I felt guilt churn inside of my stomach. I hated that Aang and I were at such odds with each other right now.

It wouldn't be this way if it weren't for him. I grimaced. Everything wrong with your life is his fault.

Killing Zhao would betray Aang's trust, but it would also bring me peace. My mind felt like it was going to split apart. What was the right thing to do? I just didn't know anymore.

"His fault," I muttered. "None of this…. Everything…. I can't forgive…."

"Ssssh." Katara's voice broke through my confusion. "It's gonna be alright."

That was the last thing I heard before I blacked out.

….

I crawled along the floor, my movement limited by my cuffed hands and feet. I ignored the pain while I searched for something to vomit into and came across an empty bucket. Sticking a finger in my mouth, I provoked my gag reflex, and my stomach emptied its contents. When I finished, I wiped my face, and smacking my lips, grimaced at the sour taste. Still, I'd rather my mouth taste like bile than… never mind. I crawled my way over to the small mirror by the window. I sat myself upright on the cushion and stared at my reflection.

Spirits. I didn't even recognize myself. My hair was in a tangled mess, my makeup was smeared, and my eyes were shrouded in dark circles. I cringed at the new bruises and burns that littered my body. How much longer was I supposed to endure this? Where were Aang, Katara, and Sokka? Maybe they left me behind? No, I couldn't think like that. They'd never abandon me, but with each passing day my hope at escaping was starting to wain.

No. You'll survive this. I took a deep breath. You always survive. He couldn't kill you before, and he won't break you now.

"I don't recall permitting you to leave my side."

I froze at the sound of Zhao's voice behind me. "I needed to move. I'm not used to being on a ship for so long."

He turned me around, cornering me between himself and the wall. "You're only making things difficult with your pointless resistance."

"I don't care." I glanced away with a frown.

"I see," he said with a bit of coldness in his tone.

His hand brushed some of my hair out of the way, and I felt his eyes bore into my skin. It seemed like he was studying me. For what? I didn't know or care. My muscles tensed, and my hands gripped into fists at his silence. I wanted to punch him, kick him, or bite him. Maybe I'd air-bend him overboard, leaving him to drown in the ocean, but I couldn't do anything in these chains. I hated feeling helpless.

Grasping my chin, he forced me to look at him, and his lips curled into a smug grin. "Are you disappointed you can no longer save yourself for the Avatar?"

"What?" I almost choked on my tongue at his question. "Where would you get a gross idea like that?"

He chuckled. "Well, with you both being the last two air-benders–"

"And he's also twelve. At most I see him like a little brother." I glared at him "Do you seriously think I'm as vile as you are?"

"Vile?" Narrowing his eyes, he tightened his grip around my face. "According to Natsumi, you're of marrying age, so this arrangement is hardly inappropriate."

I trembled in his hold from the anger swirling inside of me. "Really setting the bar of decency as low as possible, aren't you?"

I saw the rage spark in Zhao's eyes, and grabbing me by my shoulders, he slammed me against the wall. "You really should be more grateful for your circumstances, my little air-bender. I'm doing you a favor. After all, what decent man would want a wife as horribly disfigured as you are?"

"Don't kid yourself, Tashi. No one will ever love you like I do. You can cover yourself in as many layers as you want, but we both know that underneath, you're a disfigured freak!"

I cringed at the memory of Jet's words. Zhao's trying to mess with your head. Don't let him.

"For all of your praise of the banished prince, do you really think he'd waste his time on a half-breed peasant like you?" He leaned in, his hot breath wafting onto my face. "As disgraceful as he is, I doubt that even he would ever stoop that low."

"And yet here you are with me." I scoffed. "Goes to show that the prince has more class and honor than you could ever dream of. I bet he'd actually measure up to my expectations too. Master Jeong Jeong wasn't kidding when he said you had no self control."

Zhao gritted his teeth, his expression distorting into a snarl. I felt his hands burn through my skin, and I bit my tongue, smothering my scream.

"You think you're so clever, and yet you're at my mercy because of your own failure." He laughed. "Even your thirst for revenge is a waste. If anyone is to blame for what happened four years ago, it's you."

I eyed him wearily. "What do you mean?"

His anger simmered down, his posture relaxing, but he continued to loom over me like an eagle-hawk trapping its prey. A smirk formed on his lips, and I could see a knowing glint in his gaze.

"How do you think I found you? When I was still a lieutenant serving in the military, I had received rumors of an air-bender being sighted in a nearby town. Naturally, anyone in their right mind would assume this was the missing Avatar, and I rushed at the opportunity to achieve such a victory." His tone became sour. "But you weren't the prize I had hoped for. However, your assumed demise got me promoted to captain within the navy."

"And how is that my fault? You attacked my home, you killed my family, and you tried to kill me!" I said.

"Ah yes, your family." He glanced up with a chuckle. "That elderly couple were your grandparents, correct?"

I didn't answer, which seemed to amuse him more.

"You know–" He met my gaze. "When I see that viciousness in your eyes, I know it didn't come from your grandfather. He was so ready to defend his home, but when I revealed that you had been killed, it was like the life was sucked right out of him. He lost the will to fight and surrendered to me."

"No." I shook my head. "He was governor of the province and a strong leader. He'd never!"

"Oh, but he did, my little air-bender. Your fire clearly comes from your grandmother." His smirk widened, almost appearing manic for a moment. "Yes. There it is. I can see her look in your eyes right now. However, her savage display of earth-bending wasn't enough. I blasted your grandmother into one of the burning buildings, and watched it collapse right on top of her. And yet, even with the loss of his wife, your grandfather remained weak. He let me kill him."

I struggled in his hold. "Shut up! What's the point of telling me this? That you're more of a monster than you already are?"

He frowned. "My point is that your fury is misdirected. So, answer me this. Your grandparents seemed to care for you very much. One would think they'd know better to keep you hidden from the Fire Nation."

I paused, my body going still, and I looked away.

His cruel laughter filled the room. "Ah, and here's the truth. You were disobedient, weren't you? Sneaking out and displaying your air-bending in the open. And then your secret reached my ears."

I was too stunned to speak, and I could only stare at him with contempt.

"So, you see, my little air-bender, the death of your grandparents, the destruction of your village, even your marred body, are all because of an unruly brat who strayed too far from home," he said.

Zhao flipped me around, slamming me into the wall again. I felt his body press against mine while he leaned down to whisper in my ear. I could hear the smirk in his voice.

"I wonder what your grandparents would think if they saw what a disgrace you've become now?" His hand slid down my waist.

….

My eyes snapped open, and my piercing scream practically ripped a fissure in my throat. Wind whirled around me in a wild sphere, and I couldn't register my surroundings outside of it. All I knew was that I had to escape, so with the overdose of adrenaline in my veins, I sped out of the healing hut. Everything around me was a blur, and I didn't stop running until I reached the outskirts of the city.

I collapsed in front of the large ice wall that bordered the tribe from the several miles of tundra above. My whole body shook with rage, and I couldn't hold back anymore. I punched at the wall, my bending forming a huge dent in it. Again and again, I kept attacking, and with each strike, I inched closer until I was hitting the wall with my bare fists.

Over, and over, and over. Right. Left. Right. Left. My fists bruised and bled, but the ice numbed the pain. A pair of hands grabbed my arm before I could throw the next punch, and I struggled against them. How dare they stop me. I needed this.

"Tashi, stop! You're hurting yourself!" Katara hugged my side.

"Who cares." I tried to shove her away. "It's what I deserve."

I managed to shake her off, but before I could continue, she threw herself in front of me.

I froze. "Move!"

"No!" She held her arms out. "I don't know what you saw, but I'm not gonna let you do this to yourself. We can get through this together, Tashi. Let me help you."

"Why? It doesn't change anything!" Tears ran down my face. "Your help isn't gonna bring my family or home back! It's not gonna change how I look!"

My legs buckled from underneath me, but I felt Katara catch me before I completely hit the ground. In that moment, I lost all of the fight I had in me. All I could do was cry.

"It's not my fault." I buried my face into Katara's shoulder.

"Of course it isn't." Katara embraced me. "Everything will be alright. I promise."