Hello, Goodbye?

April 11, 1998

Joanna stood in the darkened church, her bright pink outfit belying her dour mood. Of all the Masses she ushered for throughout the year, the Easter Vigil was the worst. For forty-five minutes before the liturgy began she was stationed in one of the vestibules opening doors and handing out candles and orders of worship to parishioners, an odd juggling act that made her appreciate the octopus. Now, she listened as Pastor Mike prepared the Easter Candle and blessed the fire. Soon, it would be her duty to light her own small candle from the sacred flame and, in turn, light the candles now held by the congregation. She soon recognized her cue and walked up and down the aisle with her small, white, taper sharing the holy fire with others to pass on, all the while hoping the movement wouldn't extinguish her own little flame. Upon reaching the back pew, she carefully guided her candle to the one held in the large, strong hand of a gentleman shrouded in shadow. Once his candle was lit, she could breathe a sigh of relief having accomplished her small mission. Instead, she looked up at the man and had to swallow a gasp. The dim light softened his normally high cheekbones and chiseled jaw, the reflection of the fire dancing in eyes that searched her own. He took a step sideways, a silent invitation, and she hesitated just a moment before moving to stand beside him. MacGyver had returned.

As lectors read passages from the Bible and cantors led the faithful in hymns, all Joanna could do was focus on the man next to her who dutifully followed the proceedings, seemingly unaware of the effect he had on her. Handsomely dressed in a light gray suit, she could feel the heat emanating from him even though they never actually touched. Her heart raced and her hands trembled to the point where she considered blowing out the candle she held before she accidentally dropped it and burned down the church! To her amazement, she somehow managed to sit, stand, and kneel at all the appropriate times. When she dared to glance around the sanctuary, she saw her father, also an usher, standing sentinel in the main aisle, oblivious to the tilt-a-whirl of emotions his daughter was experiencing. In the section of pews across from her, Joanna's mother smiled like the cat who swallowed the canary, no question whose side she was on.

Jo was relieved when it came time for her to leave her seat and pass the collection basket and even more grateful when the longest Mass of the year concluded and she could return to the safety of her position in the vestibule to hand out the weekly parish bulletin, collect the used candles, and bid a happy farewell to her fellow parishioners. Unfortunately, much to her dismay, MacGyver followed her out into the small gathering area. As the final hymn was sung and the congregates began to pour out of the church, she couldn't help but watch with admiration as he graciously helped her with her duties and engaged in light-hearted conversation with people he didn't even know, a genuine smile lighting up his face. More than once Joanna heard the loud clearing of a throat or felt a gentle whack to her leg with the tip of a cane reminding her to press the elevator button. All too soon, the people were gone and she was left alone with MacGyver. He stood in front of her, refusing to be ignored.

"You came back," she remarked in little more than a whisper.

"I said I would," Mac replied with far more conviction.

Joanna sighed as frustration, and resignation, mounted. "I didn't want you to come back because of a promise. I wanted you to come back because you chose to."

"What makes you think I didn't?"

Jo turned away and shook her head while MacGyver jammed his splayed fingers through this unruly hair. "Can we go somewhere and talk?" he asked.

Joanna forced herself to meet his gaze. "I'm tired. It's been a long day."

"Tomorrow then. Come on over to my place."

"On Easter Sunday?" she asked.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. Do you and your parents have plans?"

Yes! She wanted to scream. She wanted to tell him that she had plans for the rest of her life in order to avoid the inevitable conversation she, herself, had created. But she was a horrible liar. Maybe even worse than Mac.

"No," she mumbled.

"Good! Come hungry. I'll make pancakes."

"Fine," she muttered before turning her back to him and walking off in search of her family.

That night Joanna laid in bed, curled up on her side, watching the glowing digits of her alarm clock tick away the hours. She should have just bitten the bullet and agreed to talk with MacGyver after Mass instead of prolonging the agony. Sometime before dawn she grew even more restless. Something wasn't right. Mac had been too nice. Too understanding. Had he not received the letter she had signed off on a week ago? Oh, why couldn't he have just called her from California and asked her to pack up his stuff and send it to him? She consoled herself with the fact that, if everything went as planned tomorrow, this would be the final time she would speak to him before starting to rebuild the life she had shattered.

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Easter morning brought heavy gray clouds, cool temperatures, and the threat of rain. Despite the dreary weather, MacGyver stood looking out his front door, anxious for Joanna to arrive. He could hardly wait to see the look on her face when she discovered the surprise he had for her. He wanted nothing more than to turn back time to when they were happily in love, before fears and doubts had assailed her. Without a time machine, this was the best he could do.

It wasn't long until Jo pulled her Chevy into his driveway. He watched as she exited the car and began to make her way toward his apartment before she caught sight of the For Sale sign on the lawn. She regarded it for a moment before he greeted her at the door, not caring if he appeared eager to see her again. The sooner they got things back to normal the better. She offered him a polite, wordless smile before stepping over the threshold.

"I see Charlie finally sold the place," she remarked casually.

"Yeah, he said it happened last week. Kinda a spur of the moment thing, I guess." Mac ushered Joanna to the kitchen table in anticipation of their brunch.

"Did he tell you anything about your new landlord?"

"Actually, I already met him," MacGyver replied, busying himself in the kitchen to hide his smirk. "He seems like a nice guy. About my age, I guess, and looking to put down some roots. He's moved around a lot and decided it's time to find a place to call home."

"So he's single, then," Jo interjected.

"He's engaged." Joanna frowned. "What?" he asked.

"Won't the place be a little small once he gets married and his wife moves in? Or are they already living together?"

"His fiancé is staying with her folks for the meantime, and we actually talked about some ways to make more space for them."

"Oh," Jo replied meekly, but Mac wasn't to be deterred. He went over to the bookcase-lined wall that separated the two apartments.

"This is a load-bearing wall, so he can't tear it down completely, but he can get creative with doorways to open up the area. Same goes for upstairs."

"So then you'll be moving out?" There was a disturbingly hopeful tone to her voice and MacGyver was disappointed she hadn't caught on to what he was trying to tell her.

"Don't ya get it, Jo?" he asked, reaching for her hands and pulling her to her feet. "I'm the guy! I bought Charlie's house for us!"

"But why?" Mac's heart dropped at the confusion in her eyes.

He led her to the couch where they sat side-by-side, still holding hands.

"I spent the last two weeks in Mission City and it got me to thinking. It's time I got a place, a real home, that I know will always be there for me. For us. A place to put down roots and make a life. You've been questioning my commitment to you. Well, here it is. I don't know how else to prove that I'm not goin' anywhere. That I don't wanna go anywhere."

"It's a done deal then?" Jo asked cautiously.

MacGyver shook his head. "I just got back in town yesterday so I need to go sign the papers tomorrow, but I was able to do everything else by phone and Charlie vouched for me so the real estate agent agreed to put the 'Sold' sign up so I could surprise you."

"You shouldn't have done that, Mac. Please don't sign those papers tomorrow," she all but begged, pulling away from him to go stare out the patio doors at the drizzle that had begun to fall.

MacGyver was momentarily speechless. He never expected her to react to his news like this! As he got off the couch and made his way toward her he realized his mistake.

"Aw, baby," he crooned, gently taking her shoulders and turning her to face him. "I'm sorry. I should've figured you'd want a new place that we picked out together."

Her gaze met his as tears welled in her eyes. "It isn't that," she insisted. "I love this place. It feels like home. But that's just it. We can't be together. I can't let you marry me."

Mac's breath caught and it felt as if a thousand swords were piercing his lungs. Before he could form a cohesive thought, there was a knock at his front door. Joanna turned and continued to stare out at the rain.

"Hope this isn't a bad time," Charlie greeted him, standing on the front stoop, umbrella in hand. "I noticed you were home and thought I'd bring your mail over."

"Thanks," Mac muttered, preparing to close the door.

"I can't tell you how happy I am that you've decided to buy this place," Charlie continued. "I hated the thought of handing it over to a stranger. Guess I'm just a sentimental old fool!"

"Nonsense! I'd feel the same way," Mac assured the older man. "And thanks for this," he said, holding up the pile of envelopes. Charlie simply nodded and headed next door.

MacGyver was about to toss his mail on the kitchen counter and go talk some sense into Joanna when the return address on the top letter caught his eye. 'Lee Vang and Associates, Attorneys at Law'. Mac tore open the envelope and skimmed the contract inside. He felt as if he had taken a sucker punch to his gut. He read the contract again, this time it made his blood boil.

"What in the hell is this!" he yelled across the room to Joanna who whipped her head around, eyes wide with surprise. He couldn't recall ever having used even a mild expletive in her presence and he tried not to use them at all, but this occasion seemed to call for it.

"You want me to sign away all my rights to Challengers?!" No way! This couldn't be happening!

Joanna's eyes sparked, her tears replaced with fire. "When you didn't come back I had to make sure that Challengers was protected!" she yelled back, stalking toward him.

"But I had promised to come home!"

"And how could I be sure of that!" she spat. "Days, weeks passed and you didn't even bother to call! What was I supposed to think?! I had to make some hard decisions. I turned down a summer teaching placement and full-time position next fall so I could take your place at the club while you were off gallivanting around Los Angeles!"

MacGyver's head was spinning, caught in an emotional whirlpool. "First of all," he hollered, his voice rising. "I was not 'gallivanting'! Secondly, you're the one who told me to go to L.A. in the first place!"

"But you could've stayed!" she shouted, even though they were now just feet apart.

"What?!"

"You could've stayed and fought for me. For our relationship. But you took the easy way out. Just like you always do when things get serious!"

Mac took a deep breath and tried to rein in his emotions.

"So let me get this straight," he said, his voice calmer. "You told me to leave, but you really wanted me to stay?"

"No! I wanted you to go so I could have some time to think things over!"

"You're not making any sense, Joanna!" MacGyver exclaimed.

"I know that!" she replied vehemently. "I also know I'm not the girl for you!"

She dug in her pocket, pulled out his engagement ring, and slapped it into the palm of his hand before grabbing her coat and purse and stomping out the door, slamming it shut behind her with a finality that just about brought Mac to his knees.

XXXXX

"Well, look what the cat dragged in," Cynthia remarked from where she stood just inside the doorway to MacGyver's office at Challengers. "It's good to have you back."

"I'm glad someone thinks so," he mumbled from behind his desk as he scrubbed his face with his hands. He had spent a sleepless night on his couch and had arrived at work shortly after dawn unable to keep the events of the previous evening a bay.

"Did you and Joanna get a chance to talk?"

"Yeah."

"So then you know about the project she came up with for the kids," she assumed.

"Um, we didn't talk about work."

"Oh," Cynthia frowned. "Well, I don't want to steal her thunder so you'll have to wait and hear about it from her, but she's been spending every spare minute on it and I think it'll really impress the Phoenix board members."

"That's great," Mac replied flatly.

The hours crawled by as MacGyver waited for Joanna to arrive. Four o'clock came and went and he began to worry that she would stay away from Challengers in order to stay away from him. Another hour passed before he heard her breathlessly greet Rosie at the reception desk.

"I'm sorry I'm so late, but there was an emergency faculty meeting after school," Jo explained.

The two women proceeded to exchange pleasantries before Joanna headed for her office, not even glancing in MacGyver's direction. He gave her a few minutes to get settled before appearing in her doorway.

"Can we talk?" he asked softly.

"We talked last night. I have nothing more to say," came the curt response.

"We yelled last night," he clarified. "And I do have more to say."

Joanna looked up from organizing the papers on her desk. Bloodshot eyes with dark circles under them testified that her night hadn't been any better than his. Mac entered her office and took a seat across from her. Suddenly, all the fancy words and phrases he had mulled over in his brain all day vanished and he was left with nothing but the simple truth.

"I love you, Joanna, and I want to marry you," he declared. "Ever since I left, all I could think about was coming home to you and picking up where we left off. But I respect you too much to force you to feel something you don't. Tell me you don't love me. Tell me you truly don't want to marry me, and I'll leave you alone. I won't buy the townhouse and I'll hire someone to replace me here and help you out. Just say the word and I'll disappear, but know that I will always love you."

An errant tear rolled down Jo's cheek and Mac reached across the desk to wipe it away with his thumb. Her skin was soft and warm and he savored the moment. Would this be the last time she allowed him an intimate gesture? His heart pounded in his ears as he waited for her response.

"I love you too. And I do want to marry you," she confirmed meekly. "But-"

"No 'buts'," Mac interrupted. "We'll deal with those as they come up, together, just like we planned.

Jo graced him with a watery smile and before he knew what had happened they were standing beside her desk, locked in each other's embrace.

"Cynthia says you came up with a great project for the kids. Come on over to my place for dinner and tell me all about it." To Mac's relief, she readily agreed and he squeezed her tighter.

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For the second time in two days, Joanna pulled her car into MacGyver's driveway and took a moment to gather herself. Mac had seemed to think everything between them would magically go back to the way it had been, but life didn't work like that, at least not in her experience. They needed to deal with their past before they could share their future. She walked into his apartment to find the kitchen table full of Chinese take-out containers.

"Supper?" she asked, quirking a brow.

"What did you expect on such short notice," Mac teased.

"So, what's your plan to get Challengers back into Phoenix's good graces?" MacGyver asked once they had loaded their plates with food.

"I think Cynthia may have oversold it," she chuckled, feeling happier than she had since before Mac's fateful birthday dinner.

"Let me be the judge of that," MacGyver replied before taking a healthy bite of his eggroll.

"Two of the biggest problems in the community we serve are kids using drugs or joining gangs or both," Joanna began. "I thought it would be a good idea to have the club members make posters discouraging these behaviors and then go and display them in local schools along with a list of places where students can go to get help and support. Places like Challengers."

"That sounds great! How far along are you?"

Buoyed by Mac's response, Jo continued, "The kids will be finishing up their posters this week. I figure next Monday we can start taking them over to the schools and it'll encourage more teens to join Challengers when summer vacation starts."

"You are awesome! You know that?" MacGyver kissed the top of her head as he stood to collect the dirty dishes and empty food cartons. Joanna blushed at his praise as well as his kiss. She had missed his touch more than she cared to admit.

Together they went into the living room and sat on the couch, Mac draping an arm across her shoulders.

"So what happened when you got to L.A.?" she asked, trying to sound nonchalant despite her curiosity. "Was Jack okay?"

MacGyver took a fortifying breath before launching into his recount of the past few weeks, starting with finding Jack broke and homeless to his time in Mission City.

"I heard about the oil spill on the news," she told him. "I figured you'd go."

"You know me so well," Mac smiled, dropping a chaste kiss on her forehead. "What about you? Anything exciting happen a work?"

"Not really," she shrugged, hoping MacGyver wouldn't question her further, but she should have known better.

"C'mon, tell me even if it's boring," he urged.

"The weekend after you left, Mrs. Varga sent me and another teacher to Madison for a two-day seminar. Then the following week Becca came up from Chicago and I helped her with research for an assignment. The rest of my time was spent at Challengers."

Mac removed his arm from her shoulders and turned to face her. "That's it?"

"Yeah," she replied.

MacGyver studied her for several long minutes until she began to squirm under his scrutiny. "What?" she asked, feigning annoyance to hide her dread.

"I know you, too, Jo. You just summed up three weeks in three sentences. What aren't you telling me?"

"Nothing important."

"What kind of research did you help Rebecca with?"

"Nothing dangerous if that's what you're worried about."

"I'm glad to hear that. Then what was it?"

Joanna glared at him. The insufferable man was like a dog with a bone when he was on a mission. She might as well tell him everything if she had any hope of getting home tonight, well aware that what she had to say could rip them apart forever.

"Her editor wanted her to do a story about computer dating so she signed us both up so she could write about our experiences."

"You're kidding!" Mac burst out laughing. "What happened?"

"For your information we both met someone and went out on a date."

"Wait a minute. You went on a date?" MacGyver quickly sobered and Jo rolled her eyes.

"Don't worry, my match was a complete bore. All I could think of was how much I would rather be with you."

"Really?" Mac asked with a self-satisfied smirk. "So you missed me then."

"Maybe," Jo grudgingly admitted, trying to save face and get his ego back in check.

"What about the teaching seminar?"

"It was...interesting," she hedged.

"That's a good thing, right?"

"Right," Joanna agreed. She wanted to leave it at that, but the two-by-four whacking at her conscience wouldn't allow it. "Mac, there's something I need to tell you." Her stomach rebelled as she watched the color drain from his face. "The colleague I went with...his name is Tim O'Brien."

Jo told MacGyver about the weekend...and Tim, her heart sinking with every word. When she was done she held her breath and waited for his reaction.

"So let me get this straight," Mac said, pushing himself off the couch and pointing a finger at her. "You let this guy take you to a romantic dinner and kiss you in your hotel room, all the while leading him to believe you were available?! How could you?!" He jammed his fingers through his hair and turned his back to her.

"I didn't mean to let it happen, at least not at first," Jo explained, standing up as well. "But you gotta understand, I had already convinced myself that I would never fit in your life. That you would be better off without me. Tim and I seemed to have so much in common and he felt...safe. But I was wrong. He was nothing like I thought he was. He was nothing like you!"

MacGyver walked to the kitchen, rubbing the back of his neck, and poured himself a glass of juice that he didn't even want, but he needed time to think.

"Mac…?" Her voice was soft and meek and vulnerable.

"What's it gonna take for you to believe, without a doubt, that you are exactly the kind of girl I can't live without? You say you love me and that you'll marry me, but there's still a part of you holding back. I don't know what to do, Jo. I don't know what you want me to do. I've opened up to you, given you all I got. What's it gonna take for you to do the same?"

If MacGyver was looking to tear her soul to shreds he was doing a great job of it. She stood frozen, unable to talk, cry, or even breathe. He was right. He was absolutely right. She was holding back, but even she didn't know how to fix it. All her life she had always held a little piece of herself back to protect her from people who got too close. He needed all of her. He deserved all of her. What would it take for her to completely let go and love Mac the way she wanted to? She dared to look him in the eye, afraid of the anger and disappointment she'd find there, but she only saw pain...and love.

"I don't know," she finally whispered.

Mac strode to where she stood and gathered her close. "Don't worry, we'll get through this just like we've gotten through everything else," he assured her.

"I love you, Mac. I really do," she murmured against his chest.

"I know, baby. I know."