In my third year of high school, I continued to play as the official setter. But it wasn't the same without Ushiwaka as the ace. Shiratorizawa wasn't weak by any means. But a player with the overwhelming physical prowess of Ushijima Wakatoshi came around once in a generation. Without him, my 'reliability' wasn't as important as the height and creativeness that a more talented setter provided. Nor could I bring myself to focus with the younger squad. Ultimately, second-year setter took my place in the starting lineup after Interhigh.
I had reserved myself to quitting volleyball after high school ever since that last encounter with Ushiwaka at his graduation. Although I was probably good enough to play at the college level if I tried, it's not like I was going to be drafted into the pro league. More importantly, I didn't have the will anymore. It hurt more than anything to be on the court and remember his presence. It was time to leave all that behind me and make a clean cut.
After he had graduated, I didn't reach out to him. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't pay attention to his news. I caught wind that he was immediately added to the university's first string and added to the bench of the Japanese national team. That was to be expected. I told myself that I was content to watch him from afar. More like, it was all I could handle.
But then, one day as I was walking him in the cool December air, I received a text from him. 'I will be in Miyagi for the holiday.' Brief, to the point, and commanding as usual. Even though he hadn't spelled it out, I knew what he was asking. No, I couldn't do it. I lied, 'I will be away visiting family.'
Then he texted me one more time, at the beginning of what was supposed to be my first semester at T University with him, 'Have you arrived in Tokyo?'
I never replied.
…
I still ended up in Tokyo somehow, under the influence of my parents. As much as I wanted to stay away, they wanted me to go to the best school possible. It was fine. I've already been here almost two years and never bumped into Ushiwaka once. It's a big city after all. Coincidences like that only happened in movies and stuff.
I was walking home after class, carrying a bag with a convenience store bento box and a drink, my dinner, when my phone began to buzz in my pocket. I didn't really want to answer it, it was too cold to take my hands out of my pocket.
The air in front of me became clouded with my sigh, "Hello?"
"Hey, Shirabu! Been a long time man!" Tendou, despite the time apart and the supposed growing up we were all doing, was still the same. Too sarcastically happy to handle.
I groaned, "It's only been about nine months Tendou, we went to watch Shiratorizawa in Nationals last year remember?"
He completely brushed it off, "Yeah, that's a long time! Listen, a few of us from the old team are getting together Friday night, to have a few drinks, catch up, and stuff. You down?"
The old team, who could he be referring to? He couldn't possibly mean everyone from his third-year team when we lost to Karasuno. They all came? "You guys are all in Tokyo now too?"
"Not all of us, but a few. Me, Taichi, Eita, Reon, and Ushiwaka of course." My breathing stopped at the sound of his name. "But that guy's way too busy with the national team right now to come out. So it'll probably just be us four. So you coming or what?"
I let out a deep sigh of relief, Ushiwaka wouldn't be there. The other members, the memories of our time together came flooding back. What a glorious time it was, playing volleyball with them. I missed it so much. Our blood, sweat, and tears were left together on the court; the images pulled at my heartstrings, which is why I said, "Yeah, sounds good. I'll see you then."
On Friday, after classes, I made my way to the address that Tendou sent me. I picked up a few drinks and snacks, couldn't go empty-handed after all. We were apparently meeting at Eita's apartment. I was a bit skeptical though because the address was in the busiest part of Setagaya. Didn't apartments here cost quite a bit? Was Eita rich or something?
It was weird for me to feel nervous but I was a bit shaky making my way up the elevator. It's just my high school volleyball teammates, what was there to be nervous about? Quit being weird, Shirabu. I knocked on the door, "It's unlocked!" I heard Eita shout.
My hand reached out to turn the knob and I let myself in. They were sitting in the living room, on the couch and floor around the coffee table. "Hey!" An enthusiastic shout came from the group.
Tendou got up from his seat and walked up to greet me, reaching out to take the bags from my hands. His tall figure was blocking my view so I didn't see at first. I didn't see, the tall man sitting at the far end of the couch, staring at me. When I caught his eye, the nerves in my body came to a halt. What the hell? I thought he wasn't supposed to be here.
Reon raised a can to me from his seat on the floor. "Hey, Shirabu! You're late! We've been waiting on you man!" Hearing him call out to me shook me out of my paralyzed state. Shit, I want to leave. But I knew I couldn't, that would make things too suspicious. My eyes stayed locked on the carpet as I sat down on the floor at the end of the coffee table, placing me as far away from Ushiwaka as possible.
The pressure from his gaze was crushing me. It took everything I had not to succumb and look his way. I just needed to stay long enough to say that I made an appearance and then I could be on my way. Curse Tendou. What a liar.
Taichi handed me a beer, "So how you been?" I let myself get engaged in conversation naturally with him and Reon, keeping my head turned away. This was good, these pockets of conversation allowed me to avoid Ushiwaka.
Out of the corner of my eye, I kept a close watch on the clock ticking away on the wall. And every time I felt myself succumbing to the urge to look his way, I took a big gulp of beer to stop myself. Tick, tock, tick, tock… why couldn't time move a little faster? Tendou and Reon held most of the conversation with Ushiwaka. They were always the only ones who could really talk to him. At one point, they were discussing the most recent development in Ushiwaka's career, he had just switched to a new pro team. Tendou was being so obnoxiously loud about the whole thing as if he needed the whole block to hear him. "That's awesome man, isn't that awesome Shirabu?" He called out from across the table.
"What? Umm… yeah. Congratulations." I said quietly. He nodded in acknowledgment. His gaze was still sucking me in like a black hole. I quickly turned away and chugged my beer before re-engaging myself in Eita and Taichi's conversation.
One hour and seven minutes had passed, that was plenty. I started to gather my jacket, "I should get going."
"Oh come on man!" Tendou immediately protested, "You were the last one to get here and you're going already?"
"Sorry, I had a long day, I'm pretty beat." That was a lie, I just couldn't stand being near him anymore. "It was really nice seeing you guys." I pushed myself up off my knees with my jacket in hand. He was looking up at me, I could feel his gaze. Even after all this time, I was overly conscious of his presence which was why I stumbled over my feet getting up. It wasn't because I was drunk or anything.
"You're okay to get home right?" Reon voiced his concerns, he was always the mother of the team. "Maybe someone should go with you. You look a bit flush."
"No, I'm good, I didn't drink that much. You guys get Taichi home safe though." I chuckled at the figure sprawled out on the floor. What a lightweight.
When I finally made it outside, the night was still buzzing, full of life and people. The busy Tokyo streets were full of conversation, laughs, cries. It was dizzying and it drained me of what little energy I had left. I just wanted to go home. I started to walk towards my apartment.
"Shirabu," a voice called out.
Unfortunately, that low growling tone was too recognizable. Fuck. Should I have just pretended not to hear him? No, that wasn't feasible, I had already stopped walking on reflex. I had to address him somehow. I turned to look at him, biting down hard on my lip.
The neon lights hid his face in shadow, I could only make out the gleam in his eyes. It made it all the more chilling, "We need to talk."
"Okay, so talk." That was rude. I didn't mean to respond like that at all. That must have made it completely obvious that I was not okay.
"You-" He started, but it was Friday night in Tokyo, the streets were roaring with people, and droves of pedestrians cut through the distance between us. There was no way we could have a real conversation.
After another person brushed their way in between us, he reached out and grabbed my arm. "Let's go to your place."
Excuse me? Did I hear that right? Once he had dragged me far enough away from the crowd, we stood waiting for the light at the crosswalk. He looked at me waiting for directions on which way to turn. This is a terrible idea Shirabu. You know this is a terrible idea. I should have said something to leave him behind. But the words were stuck, I couldn't string them together into a cohesive sentence. Perhaps subconsciously, I also wanted to talk it out. Or perhaps, I just wanted a few more moments with him. Whatever the case, Ushiwaka's extreme magnetism obstructed any thought of protest. My body just did as he wanted and before I knew it, we were already closing in on my street.
We got to my apartment complex, humble compared to Eita's. I turned the key and let him in. We were still standing in front of the entrance, when I asked impatiently, "Well, what did you want to talk about?" I barked, throwing my keys on the counter.
He turned to me, "You didn't come."
"Pardon?"
"You didn't come to T University. Even though you had given me your word."
Is he serious right now? I looked down at the floor. I thought I had gotten away with it and I would never have to face this issue again. Why, after all this time? "Yeah, I ended up changing my mind. It wasn't the right choice for me. I got in sure, but it was too expensive for my family." Stop rambling. "So I went somewhere else instead. So what?"
He growled, "You're lying."
It caught me off guard. An aura of danger emitted from him. I mumbled hesitantly, "What are you talking about?"
"I can tell when you're lying." I wanted to protest. To tell him he didn't know what he was talking about. But when I went to say the words, nothing came out. My voice was taken from my throat by the gravity of his tone. As easy as it would have been to lie about it to anyone else, I wasn't capable of lying to him. "Why didn't you come Shirabu?" He barked at me again.
I clicked my tongue. I didn't want to have this conversation. "Why does it matter?"
"Because I told you to come."
His outlandish self-confidence still managed to shock me even now. "Just because I was your setter in high school, doesn't mean I have to do everything you say."
He fell silent. The previous feeling of anger and abrasiveness subsided. Concerned that I wasn't getting a response, I looked up. Why was he looking at me like that? Like he was… hurt. Don't look at me like that. What am I supposed to say if you look at me like that? "Look, can you just go?"
The ferocity returned, "No,"
"What do you want from me?" I snapped.
"I want you to tell me the real reason why you didn't come."
For fucks sake Ushiwaka, why did you have to torture me like this? I left, I went away so that you could move on with your life and I could move on with mine. Why did you have to pry open the box? I clenched my fists, digging fingernails into my palm so hard I wouldn't have been surprised if I was bleeding. The heat was bubbling up from my chest to my brain. What else did I have to say in order to end everything? "Because it was too god damn painful alright!"
Shit, I let go completely. Ushiwaka was clearly taken aback by my sudden outburst. I doubt he'd ever seen me erupt like that before. I pursed my lips together trying to hold it all in but like a river to a dam, once a crack split, there was no stopping the flood. "It was too painful to be so close to you. To be in your arms, and yet still feel like you were oceans away. I couldn't take it anymore." What on earth were you saying, Shirabu? Shut up, stop talking. You shouldn't tell him, you never wanted to tell him. But the words just kept coming out without my control, "And we were going to college, getting older. I didn't want to have to stand by and watch someone I loved get with some girl and get married and live happily ever after. That's so crap."
The words were breaking up between my short breaths. The stream of tears washed down my neck. I felt the cold chill of liquid down my shirt. I took a final deep breath to control my trembling. "I couldn't keep being around you the way I was when you felt nothing. It was better not to hold you back."
Even though they weren't words I ever thought I was going to say to him, I also couldn't deny that it felt good to get it out. Like a tight strap that was wrapped around my chest was finally released. It took a few moments for my breathing to calm down. Ushiwaka hadn't said a word yet. I wanted to laugh, I probably scared him or grossed him out.
But from out of the darkness, the response came. "You're wrong." That was all he said before he grabbed my wrist and pushed me up against the wall.
"Ushiwaka, what the hell do you think you're-" I was cut off again. He continued to stop me from questioning him, and from questioning myself. This time, he did it with his lips pressed against mine. It was like a replay of that time in the locker room. I was forced into submission by the power of his tongue prying my mouth open. That's right, forced, I didn't cave at his touch or anything. To pretend that I resisted with full force, that I was an unwilling participant was a lie I wanted to tell myself. Seeing him again after so long, hearing his voice, feeling his hot tongue against mine. There was no way I could stop myself.
His hands quickly started work with my clothes. They knew what they were doing, as if no time had passed since we'd been apart. No, that's not quite right either. This was different, his touch. It was firm, and yet so gentle that it scared me. I shouldn't have let it happen. It would only hurt more to be reminded of all the things I couldn't keep.
But the heat of his skin against mine sucked the will out of me. It was as if my consciousness has been displaced from my body and all that was left was the primal desire to… fuck.
"Bedroom," he lifted me up and pulled my legs around his waist. I wrapped my arms around his neck for support. Then nodded my head toward the direction of my room.
We crashed onto the soft mattress. And I looked up at him again. I thought that during our past, I had already seen and knew everything about Ushijima Wakatoshi. And yet he presented a new mystery before. An expression I had no way of explaining. It was hungry and dominant as you'd expect from him but held a glimpse of hesitation and nervousness, all overlaid with a layer of desperation. What was this side of Ushiwaka I didn't know?
Thinking about it hurt too much, the alcohol combined with the shock of what was happening didn't leave much room for me to react logically. I let my reflex actions take control. And it may have been the best, worst decision I had ever made.
For lack of a better explanation, it was as if Ushiwaka made every effort possible to make sure that I felt pleasure. His tongue hit every sensitive spot on my jaw and neck and trailed its way down my chest. When he kissed me again, he pulled me in close to him with a grip so tight you'd think he was afraid I'd blow away in the wind. The musky, earthy scent of his cologne and sweat swarmed my nose as if I didn't already have enough fogging my brain. He trailed light kisses from my forehead, down my cheek, and down my torso until he reached the hem of my pants. Who was this man before me?
There was an angry thorn logged in my subconscious. Angry that this had to happen, angry that the pandora's box of my life had been reopening, and angry that it felt fucking good.
He took his sweet time with each agonizing step. Between his hands and mouth, I was confident he had covered every inch of my body, and some parts more than once. But every touch made me boil with anticipation, made my cock twitch with excitement. Why was he torturing me like this? We'd definitely never done it like this before. My body melted into goo when a wet tongue trailed its way up the underside of my cock and reached the tip. Then it tensed up again when his whole mouth enveloped me. Redundant to say, I didn't hold on for very long.
Before I even caught my breath, his fingers were pressed up against my hole, wet with my own seed. "Wait, I-" but no, I was cut off by my own moaning when the first finger slipped its way into me. A hand still held onto my cock as well, pumping me slowly in rhythm along with his fingers. His mouth was hard at work, leaving its mark on the back of my neck. Fuck, stop feeling good. He was attacking me from every angle.
"Ushiwaka I-" Shit, I was already on the edge again.
"That's fine, let go." The husky whisper made the hairs on my skin stand up. The tickle of his breath in my ear and on my neck set off the explosion.
It was a trick. Because as soon as I came, Ushiwaka stripped himself down and let his proud member loose. He was definitely hard. And like the fingers beforehand, he used my cum to lubricate himself. The tip positioned itself at my entrance. "Breath, I don't want to hurt you." Huh? What did he just say?
I didn't have time to process it before a sharp pain shot through my body. I let out an agonized cry. "Breath Shirabu," he said again immediately, dropping soft kisses on my neck to calm me down. Was this what it was like before? Nowhere before did I ever encounter an Ushiwaka who showed this much concern. "I'll go slow." And he did. Very slow in fact, constantly making sure I had adjusted and relaxed completely before proceeding. Was he bigger than before?
Because he had taken ample care to assure I was adjusted, the pain of his movements was minimal. He slowly began shallow thrusts, which probed at my prostate gently, before picking up speed and depth. Every press lifted me higher like a video game level. I must have cum twice again before he let himself release onto my ass.
When it was over, I didn't know how to come back down from the high. It was so different than every time that we had done it before. I wouldn't have categorized it as rough in the past, it wasn't like Ushiwaka was trying to hurt me or anything. More along the lines of straight forward? We went through the required motions, did what we were supposed to, it felt good to climax, and that was about it.
But this time, I couldn't explain it, it was like, instead of his normal grizzly presence, his aura crashing down on me. His waves receded and instead and his body was urging me to step forward toward him. And when I did, I was engulfed in warmth, in gentleness. I wasn't sure if my memory was just fuzzy, or if it had been too long. Like maybe I had been starving for so long, the first meal felt like the best in the world.
When I finally had time to start thinking again about what happened, the first thing that came to mind was what he had said in the hall. You're wrong, wrong about what? And why did he… I decided that I was better off letting myself believe in the simplest answer, that his motives were purely physical. Or that he was a little drunk. We were both drunk, that's right, that's all it was.
The clock continued to tick, he was still lying next to me, an arm gently draped over my waist. Was he really sleeping? I knew his eyes were closed even though I couldn't see his face. But I dared not move for fear of making the situation exponentially more uneasy.
Then suddenly a rustle. The weight of his arm left my body. I shut my eyes, pretending not to notice. He was leaving. This was the end, for sure this time. I lay still listening to each movement. His footsteps were soft but still clearly audible in the dead of night. He clicked the light switch in the bathroom. I cursed him inwardly for dragging out the situation. Calm down Shirabu. He was washing his hands now. Surely the next thing I would hear was the sound of him dressing and leaving. I waited to hear the zipper of his jeans, the rustle of his first being pulled over his head.
But then the comforter lifted behind me, and the warmth of his body was at my side again. What? He's getting back into bed? My back was turned so he pulled me in, flush against his chest. His grip was so tight, it was almost uncomfortable.
"Ushiwaka?" I whispered. He just grunted in response. "Are you planning to stay here tonight?"
"Is that a problem?"
To be fair, it was already past 2 AM. I guess it would have been unreasonable to have kicked him out at that hour. "I suppose not. Don't you have practice tomorrow?"
"No, we don't practice on Saturdays."
"Okay?" Presuming the conversation was over, I felt his jaw nestle in my hair. His breathing slowed into long breaths. He was falling back to sleep already. I was too exhausted to argue. We had already crossed one line, I doubted letting him stay the night would have changed anything. Which was why, despite my better judgment, I closed my eyes and let the fatigue take over.