Blaring rays of sunlight penetrated the curtains, and the heat on my cheeks woke me from my slumber. In my haze, I could see the LED digits on the face of my alarm clock read 8:37 AM. Lifting myself just slightly onto my elbows, I was immediately hit with the consequences of the night before. My head felt like it had been rolled over by an armored tank, scrubbed through a bed of spikes, and then run over again. As did my back. Hangovers sucked. How much did I actually end up drinking?

I laid back down slowly, resting my head back onto the pillow, staring at the ceiling for a few minutes. Shit, everything came back to me. Ushiwaka.. we… I… fuck. I groaned, shutting my eyes in denial. I wasn't stressed that we had sex, I was stressed that I told him the truth, the whole truth. One that I had been suppressing for so long, even for myself.

The oxygen left my throat when I remembered that Ushiwaka didn't leave the night before. That's right, he got back in bed and went to sleep. My head snapped to my right at hyper speed. Ow. But there was no one there. Did he leave while I was still asleep? Really Ushiwaka, a hit and ditch? Was he gone for good now? No, it was better this way. I didn't want to have to face him anyway. I ought to have been happy that he left on his own.

Eventually, I made my way out of the bedroom and towards the kitchen per my usual morning routine. My eyes were still half closed. The pounding of my head was like deafening Taiko drums. Why did I torture myself like this? I knew I was a lightweight. Why drink? God, hangovers really sucked.

My body went through the motions on its own, reaching up to the overhead cabinet for a coffee mug and settling it on the counter. Then to the drawer for a spoon when suddenly, the silence was met with a "Morning." I jumped. Turning my head toward the direction of the intruder, I spotted Ushiwaka on the other side of the apartment, sitting on the couch nonchalantly with a book and cup in hand.

"Umm… morning." I stuttered out softly. So, he was still here.

"I helped myself to coffee."

"That's fine, " I turned my head down, continuing to work on my own cup.

He closed the book and placed it on my coffee table, then stood up from the couch and approached me. "Don't. Let's go out for breakfast."

Before I could even respond, he had swiftly continued his stride past me and gotten to the door, putting on his shoes. I stared at him dumbfounded. What? "Let's go," He repeated, with a sternness that came from the depths of his throat.

I followed him like the instinct of an animal to its mate, or its predator. With Ushiwaka, not only was his physical prowess overwhelming but his charisma was as well. He was the type of person who was so confident and astute in his words that you would just fall into his flow. I was still too hazy and dizzy anyway.

We ended up at a small cafe close by to eat. I welcomed the first, the second, and ultimately the third cup of coffee with eagerness and gratitude. With the relief of caffeine, however, came an unwelcome clarity of the situation I was sitting in. Ushiwaka and I were sitting together having breakfast two years on from when I had decided to separate myself from him. Not only that, we had sex the night before. And to add the cherry on top, I had told him how I truly left after all this time. Why did life need to put him in my path again? I was doing just fine up until now.

We continued to eat quietly as I stewed away with my own thoughts. I had no idea what I was supposed to say. There were no instructions, 'how to conduct conversation the morning after' wasn't a core college class. Besides, why did it have to be my responsibility? If Ushiwaka didn't feel like we needed to discuss anything, then neither did I. In the end, the only words exchanged were with our waiter. His stoic demeanor continued to throw me off. The chaos of questions from the night before was suppressed in the back of my mind by his straightforward disposition.

Given how little conversation was exchanged, I thought that when we left the cafe, he would announce that he was leaving, and we would part ways like nothing had ever happened. But instead, the question that came was, "Do you have plans for today?"

"Not really," Stop answering him, you idiot. Just tell him to go away.

"Okay." I wasn't sure what that response meant. But he took a step back as of signaling me to lead the way. And when I began to walk down the street, he followed. Perhaps he had left something at my apartment.

When we got back, I quietly made my way toward the bedroom, or rather the bathroom. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ushiwaka go to the living room to pick up his abandoned coffee mug from earlier and make his way toward the kitchen. Ah, he was cleaning up. Leave it to Ushiwaka to have an OCD habit like that.

I had half expected to see him in the bedroom when I came out of the restroom, grabbing whatever it was he had left behind. But there was no one there. Nor could I find anything that belonged to him when I looked around. Did he leave something in the living room then?

When I finally made my way out of the bedroom, I found Ushiwaka just sitting on the couch, reading a book again. What the hell? Was he maybe waiting for me to walk him out or something? I stood leaning against the dining table just looking at him for a few moments before he noticed me. He glanced at me briefly, acknowledging my presence with the slightest of nods, then returned his attention to the pages in front of him. Umm, hello?! Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. "Ushiwaka, I don't mean to be rude but, what are you still doing here?"

"I have free time today." He remarked without even looking up.

"But what you are still doing here?" That was when I finally got his attention. He looked at me dumbfounded, obviously not understanding what I meant by here. But then, I couldn't comprehend why he couldn't comprehend. "Look, yesterday… we were both a little intoxicated. Let's just chalk it up to being caught up in the moment and leave it at that. There's really no need to dwell on it or feel any sort of responsibility or anything."

He furrowed his brow, "I wasn't drunk," he defended.

That wasn't the point, "Whatever the case… let's just forget anything ever happened and move on."

"Move on from what?" The fact that he was asking genuinely pissed me the fuck off. Seriously? How dense can a man get?

"From all of it? I don't know if you can understand this, but it's all pretty embarrassing for me. Confessing all that stuff to someone who doesn't feel anything back and then getting in bed with them." I bit my lip at the last part. It was even more awkward to say it out loud but it just slipped out, "Plus, it still kind of hurts. So, I'd rather you just-"

"I already told you, you're wrong."

I groaned, "What does that even mean? Wrong about what?"

"About me,"

I rolled my eyes until they were so far in the back of my head, they had come 360 degrees full circle. Throwing my hands up over my head and rubbing my temples in frustration, I began to wonder how someone could make it this far in life having only 50 percent of their conversations all the time. "Sometimes, I just wish you'd speak in full sentences."

He clenched his jaw. Ushijima Wakatoshi was never a man of many words, but he was never speechless either. "I didn't feel nothing." He whispered, barely audible. At first, I thought I had heard him wrong.

Then, he got up from his seat and walked towards me, closing the space between us to mere centimeters. I could feel his breath on my forehead. "I don't feel nothing." He whispered again before leaning his forehead to mine, eyes closed. As if he wanted to telepathically tell me all the words he couldn't say.

And I heard him. Or at least I thought I did. "Oh," I leaned back against the table behind me, putting a hand down for support. I needed it. Because if I was understanding correctly, well I believe Ushiwaka had just confessed to me. I took a deep breath, "Oh." was the only response I could come up with.

For several silent minutes, I let myself get lost in my own head. "Shirabu?" he finally called out. He sounded like a lost child about to cry. Like a puppy yipping not to be thrown away. Woah. Where was the normal Ushijima Wakatoshi who was overflowing with self-confidence and charisma? Who was this man before me now?

"You're not saying that you actually have feelings for me, are you?"

"I am,"

"You're not serious. You can't be."

"You know that I am," He continued to stare at me with distress, willing me to understand and accept. That was right. Ushijima Wakatoshi was always serious. He never joked and he never lied, but when the truth was so astronomically unbelievable, how could I be expected to believe it?

I was starting to feel queasy from the stress. I fumbled my way down into a chair, holding my head in my hands. It was like I had been hit with a bunch of massive data tables at the same time and I was an old rusty Windows Vista, I couldn't compute.

"I assumed that when we were in high school.", he continued, "You… what happened in the gym that day, it was because you liked me."

"I did, that's true but," My chest was leaping over mountains with the deep breaths I needed to hold myself together.

"But what?" He reacted almost aggressively.

"Well, I never thought that you would feel the same way." I yelled back, a little annoyed why he couldn't understand my confusion. It's not like he had ever told me how he felt before. And he must know he's impossible to read. "Wait, are you trying to tell me that you want to date now?"

"I am,"

"You can't be serious." He raised an eyebrow at me. "Right, you're always serious. But Ushiwaka, even if you do like me that way. Just think about it for a second." I wasn't sure why but everything in my mind said to put up a wall of arguments as to why we shouldn't be together. "Even in this day and age, we're two guys. It's not really what you would consider normal. You're going pro. If we're found out by the media, it will affect your career negatively. And what will your family think? I mean your grandmother was setting you up with marriage interviews even in high school right?" I rambled on, trying to reason with him.

"My family can choose to think whatever they want, as can the media. It doesn't affect what I want. I," He paused, taking a breath before saying. "am choosing you."

I shook my head vigorously, "You're not thinking this through."

"Do you no longer like me?"

"I…" With just a few words, the pressure was put back on me. Damnit, he wasn't playing fair. My mind was relying on all the logical reasons why we couldn't be together. Why did he have to bring my feelings into it? "I don't know."

He tried to reach out to take my hand. I flinched, pulling away from him on reflex like a traumatized cat. I felt guilty immediately for reacting that way when I looked up at him. Even when we lost matches, I had never seen Ushiwaka in such anguish. I turned away "Can I get some time alone to think?"

He didn't like that response. "If I leave, will you disappear again?" Disappear? What did he mean?

"Kenjirou," Hearing him use my first name, this was the first time I think. The chills tickled every nerve that ran down my spine through to my fingertips. "Will you disappear again?" he repeated.

Just hearing the sound of my name come from his lips made me want to agree to everything on the spot. What a shockingly cunning move on his part. But I held my nerve for just a moment longer, "No, I won't. I just need some time to process."

Although it wasn't the response he wanted, it seemed that Ushiwaka didn't want to push me over the edge either so he accepted it temporarily. He grabbed his jacket from the back of the chair next to me and started approaching the door.

As he stood in my hallway putting his shoes on, preparing to leave. "My number," He put a hand on the back of his neck. "It hasn't changed."

I could tell from the falter in his voice that Ushiwaka was really anxious about the whole situation. My heart clenched up again, guilt riddled and sore that he was in distress because of me. "Yeah, okay." I replied. It felt like hours before I finally heard the door close behind him.

…

The next few days were a complete blur. My body robotically went through the motions on its own.

For what must have been the 100th time that day, I was staring at my phone, not paying attention to where I was going. The screen was frozen on the last messaging history I had with Ushiwaka, messages that I had never replied to. Thinking back, it was entirely reasonable for Ushiwaka to ask if I would run away since it definitely looked like I did that the last time. I was baffled by my feelings, unsure why it was so hard for me to accept that Ushiwaka was telling the truth. Was it hard to believe that he could like anybody, or was it just unbelievable that he could ever like me?

"Hey, Shirabu,"

I hadn't been paying any attention to where I was going, my head tilted down staring at my own feet. At the sound of my name, I finally looked up. A tall redhead stood directly in front of me.

"Tendou…" To suddenly bump into him here, was Tokyo always this small before?

We found a bench to settle into at the park, a couple of warm cans of coffee from the vending machines held between our hands. A small cloud of my breath puffed up into the air as I breathed into my huffed into my scarf to keep warm. Although we had sat down together, I had no idea what we were supposed to talk about.

"So," he started suddenly, "did things end up working out between you and Ushiwaka or what?"

I'm not sure what I was expecting from him. Tendou wasn't one to start casual conversations about the weather or anything but wow. I suppose he did always have a knack for bringing up the most awkward of subjects, "Excuse me?"

"That night after the party at Reon's place, he went after you, right? Have you guys made up?"

I looked at him shocked, "Wait what? What do you mean made up?"

He turned to me dumbfounded. "What do you mean? Didn't Ushiwaka ask you to get back together?"

"What do you mean back together? We weren't together to begin with." I protested. But then immediately bit my tongue. What did Tendou know? Was I saying too much?

"What" He exclaimed a little too loudly. Thankfully, there wasn't anybody around, "You were dating in high school, weren't you?"

"Not exactly." I definitely wouldn't call what we were doing back then dating. We were only just barely fitting the definition now. "Wait, how did you know about that?"

"You're kidding, right? Everyone knew."

Everyone knew… Shocked, confused, traumatized, astonished? What other words were there to describe my reaction when he said that? My eyes must have been a mile wide.

"Look, it's not as big a deal as you think, the whole two guys thing and all that. It's the 21st century after all. We're not close-minded grandpas or anything." Tendou was being way too cool about the situation. Was this normal for everyone? "Besides, it seemed to make you guys play better. So like, it was a good thing."

I blushed, embarrassed by my close-mindedness compared to what Tendou had just said. "I just always thought no one knew."

"Yeah, except when we got curious and asked Ushiwaka about it. And he totally admitted to it." he laughed.

"He what!" Shock didn't even begin to describe it. I was mortified. I suppose I should have seen it coming. Ushiwaka wasn't exactly the type to keep secrets or anything. He's never felt the need. As far as he was concerned, formalities like that were inefficient. "Why didn't he tell me?"

"It was like right before graduation by the time we asked. So I guess he just didn't get the chance? Or maybe he didn't know he was supposed to." Tendou laughed, "You should have seen it. The way that he said it was just like, everything was completely normal. Like you had asked him if he had eaten breakfast yet." I recalled our conversation. Ushiwaka said it to me the same way like it was nothing. Yeah, that sounded like him.

"But then after that, you dumped him so." he shrugged.

"What? I didn't dump him! We weren't even actually dating!"

"He said you dumped him when I asked."

"It wasn't like that. He, I," I grumbled. How could I explain how ridiculous Ushiwaka was? All he did was tell me to go to the same school as him. "It just wasn't like that okay? We were just-!" I held my tongue. No way I could say something as embarrassing as we were just having sex to Tendou.

Tendou just looked at me and mouthed uh-huh all the while clearly thinking I was crazy. How far we have come for Satori Tendou to be the one to call me crazy. "So are you guys not back together?"

"Not exactly,"

"You keep saying that but what does it even mean?"

"He, well I guess you could say he confessed." I admitted sheepishly, "And asked me to date him."

"Your tone tells me that you said no." He furrowed his eyebrows at me disapprovingly.

"I told him I needed some time to think about it."

"Think about what? What is there to think about? You still like him, right?"

I hesitated. How did I feel about Ushiwaka now? In the end, I think the events of what had happened that night proved that I hadn't truly let him go. "Yeah,"

"So what's the problem?"

"I didn't think he actually liked me like that. I thought it was just sex for him… And eventually, he would have to move on and meet a girl and marry them." I sighed, "I couldn't stand the idea of being around for that." I turned to Tendou, subconsciously expecting to be met with an expression of sympathy and understanding. Instead, I was met with exasperation and displeasure.

"You left him for a dumb reason like that? Poor guy."

I fell silent like a scolded child.

"Look, I'm not going to pretend like I know everything about what went on back then, or pretend like I know a ton about relationships or anything. But, wouldn't you say that you know that guy pretty well? Probably better than any of us." I nodded back. "Think about it, do you really think that Ushijima Wakatoshi is the kind of guy who would do that sort of thing with someone he wasn't in love with?"

Tendou's question was the literal manifestation of hitting the nail on the head. The answer was so obvious and yet, the fact that I hadn't managed to come to the same conclusion stupefied me.

Wow. I was so stupid. "Tendou…"

"Yeah?"

"I'm an idiot,"

"Yep, already knew that." He reached out a hand and gave me a soft pat on the shoulder as consolation, "So, what are you going to do about it?"

"I think… I should probably give him a call…"

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea." He teased.

The first ring didn't even finish when the other line clicked. "Hello?" He called out.

"Umm… hi, Ushiwaka?" My voice was trembling.

"Yes," He didn't say anything else. There was a long pause. But I knew he was still on the other end waiting for my answer.

"Hey, are you… are you busy right now?"

He snapped back quickly, "No," It was so loud even Tendou heard it next to me, stifling a chuckle in response.

I looked back to my side for support. I was still scared. Tendou nodded at me, reassuring me that this was in fact, the right thing to do. I took a deep breath. "Meet me at my place."

Satisfied, I hung up and let out the sigh of relief I was holding back. I looked back at Tendou with a weak but grateful smile.

He smirked back, "Ah young love~" he sang.

I laughed, "Shut up."

With that final push, I lifted myself up off the park bench. "I should get going,"

"Don't forget my invite to the wedding!" He shouted at me as I walked away. He was always a weird guy, full of jokes and sarcasm, never taking anything very seriously. But I was thankful for his help. I held my hand up in an appreciative wave and continued briskly on my way.

…

I ran. I ran faster than ever before. My heart was pounding so hard it was like a stereo base ringing through my whole body. I couldn't hear anything over it, not the people in the street, or the birds in the late afternoon. I couldn't even feel myself breathe. Like a switch, the uncertainty I held felt just moments before was blanketed over by the eagerness I felt to see Ushiwaka again. The only thing on my mind now was seeing him again and telling him how I felt.

He was standing at the gate in from of my apartment complex. Ushijima Wakatoshi, a towering figure of a man. I stopped once he was in my line of sight, settling momentarily to catch my breath. I was about to take the next step when I saw him close his eyes and sigh. He was uneasy still. And it was my fault. I clenched up, trying with all my might to hold back the tears of remorse for putting him through unnecessary pain.

Slowly, I made my way to him. He caught my approach, turning to me, stiff with anticipation. There were a thousand words I needed to say to him. I had no idea where to start. I needed to apologize, I needed to tell him how I felt, I needed to answer his question, I needed to make up for the time lost, the list was endless. But once I found myself in front of him and opened my mouth, nothing came out. I just stood with my lips agape in silence. What was I supposed to say?

Unable to find the words, I reached out and grabbed the collar of his jacket instead, pulling him in. I smashed my lips into his until I could feel my gums tearing against my teeth. With everything that I had in me, every urge, every ounce of strength, every fiber of my being, I kissed him. I kissed him until my lungs gave out, panting trying to regain my bearings. He looked down at me, still lost, still waiting for answers.

So I just kissed him again. Hopefully, this was enough for him to understand.