I am not what happened to me; I am who I choose to become
Carl Jung
Chapter three
Sunday Evening
Ana POV
"Hi, Ana, I'm your nurse this evening," a middle-aged nurse she didn't recognize waltzed into her room, rolling in a cart behind her.
"And you are?"
"Kristie Lyn. It's time for your medication," she spoke mechanically, her hands pouring pills into a tiny cup.
"You're Kristy?"
"Yes, don't you remember me? I was here a few days ago," she went on while handing her the cup.
Ana struggled to read the name tag.
" You're Kristie With an e at the end?"
"That's me," the woman answered, lifting the cup closer to Ana.
After all her painstaking effort over the last couple of weeks to remember the names of the staff, Ana hated having to admit she had no idea who this woman was.
"Would you mind removing your mask so I can see your face?"
"Sorry, hospital policy."
Ana's world was handsomely populated by women that went by Kristy. Among others, she knew both a Christine and Kristina, one spelled with a c and the other one with a K."
Somehow Kristie Lynn had slipped under the radar; either that or she'd been so heavily sedated that day and confused by the blur of faces and names floating in and out of her stream of consciousness.
"Miss Ana, would you take your medication now?"
Most reluctantly, Ana took the cup and peered at its contents.
"What's the name of this med?"
Kristy replied with the name of the medication.
" Okay...but this is a white pill...and the med I'm supposed to take in the mornings is a green and white capsule."
The other woman re-checked Ana's chart.
"This is the right medication."
Ana looked at the nurse suspiciously. She hated this particular med as it gave her too much energy day and night. "I want to speak with Dr. Grey."
"Dr. Grey already made her rounds; she's not coming back until tomorrow morning," Kristy replied impatiently, "look, Miss Ana, this is the medication Dr. Grey ordered for you."
"I'm not taking this."
"So you're refusing your medication?" Kristie Lynn glared at her, her tone laced with disapproval.
"Yes. As I said, I need to speak to my doctor first."
Monday morning
Dr. Grey came into her room, this time with only one note-taker who stood way in the back.
"Ana, I have in my notes that you keep refusing to take your medications."
"No, no. Are you talking about last night? The nurse wanted to give me a white pill. She didn't like it when I insisted it was supposed to be a green and white capsule."
"I see. The medication comes in two forms: pill, and capsule."
"I wish I'd known that."
"Ana, the medication must be taken exactly as prescribed. Because of the mix-up, you took it late last night; therefore, the three-day rule was reset," she shook her head. "That means we have to start over with today being the first day, do you understand?"
"Yes, I get it," Ana murmured, swallowing her bitterness and frustration. "From now on, I promise to take my medications no matter what they look like AND without asking any questions."
Dr. Grey gave her a long look before making notes on her computer.
"As you recall, the second condition for your release is there needs to be a care plan. But we don't have an address in place," she went on, eyes glued to the computer screen. "When you first arrived, you denied being homeless. Later you said you lived with your parents."
"I...I can't go back there."
Dr. Grey's brows rose in interest, "why not?"
Ana shrugged one shoulder and looked away, putting up a protective wall around her. She was tired of the same merry-go-round.
"Ana, I'm here to help you."
"There's nothing to understand; I couldn't live there anymore... I had to leave..."
Dr. Grey nodded. "How about your brother in New York? Perhaps he could be a resource? He's called many times concerned about your welfare."
"I have my reasons for not wanting any contact with him.."
"I see," Dr. Grey cleared her throat, "Your social worker left a note here that you refused to speak to your mother even after the staff made it clear she was crying about an emergency."
"My mother is a drama queen, everything to her is an emergency."
Dr. Grey fell silent, waiting for her to elaborate.
"She would say anything to get me to talk to her," she shrugged.
"Look, I don't recall saying I was homeless. I was living with my parents before they brought me here."
"Ana, you were found wandering the streets of downtown Seattle at one in the morning with no phone, car keys, or personal identification."
Ana opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out.
FLASHBACK
"You're the one who is crazy, not us!" Her brother shouted, his voice shaking with hate.
Ana peered at their faces in shock.
The three of them, Mom, Dad, and Brother, moved toward her like three identical toy soldiers in an assembly line.
Ana froze, her brain unable to reconcile why they were suddenly screaming at her and shaking her by the shoulders.
"You're crazy, you understand?" They screamed, shaking her by the shoulders.
"You have nothing! You are nothing!"
"You're a crazy whore!"
Ana opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out.
Her brain was just unable to compute what had just happened.
Too weak to walk, much less run, Ana crawled to the door and pulled the door handle.
It was locked.
"Let me out, let me out!"
"Don't even try it," her brother snarled, "the alarm is on."
Ana started pounding on the door and windows, "Help! Somebody, help!"
"Do something! Stop her!" Ana heard her mother say.
Presently, Ana felt a shiver run down her spine. Even today, the shaking scene hunted her like a clip from the latest Stephen King movie she couldn't erase from her mind.
"What happened, Ana?" Dr. Grey persisted.
Ana shook her head, determined NOT to break down and cry. The last thing she needed was to give them another reason to keep her doped up.
"I don't...I don't know," she lied.
What was she supposed to say?
Tell the truth?
Rather than set her free, the truth would ensure she would remain locked up forever. She was sure of it.
Truth was like a democracy: in the end, the majority rules.
In her family, it was three against one.
That's the way it had always been.
THEIR Word against hers.
Just like deep down, she'd always known that she would be the one to wind up in the madhouse...and not them.
It's just that she'd refused to believe it... until now.
Three against one.
"Do you remember what was going through your mind?"
Staggering up and down the same street, Ana paused to see if she could get someone's attention. People breezed by and avoided her like the plague.
Too exhausted to keep going, she climbed the steps to a church. Her heart sank when she finally reached the landing and realized the steel gate was locked.
Slowly, she lowered herself onto the steps and buried her head in the crook of her arms.
The next thing she knew, she was startled by footsteps approaching.
She lifted her head and looked up, hopeful.
Time stood still when her eyes connected with an unkept man dragging a shopping car.
Ana opened her mouth to speak and mumbled something under her breath. She was terribly hungry, cold, and thirsty.
Somehow, she managed to stand, head spinning, pulse racing, breathing labored.
"Help!" She cried out as the man disappeared in the opposite direction.
"I don't remember much...," Ana replied, "except I was feeling ill and dizzy... I think someone gave me water and called the police."
Dr. Grey looked simultaneously disappointed and pressed for time. "Next time I see you, I want to work on getting a discharge plan in place."
Two hours later, Ana sat in the TV room (formally known as the Wellness room), bored out of her mind. There was no one else except for a long-haired teenager bent over markers and a load of papers.
She peered over and looked at his collection of drawings of mother nature.
"You are quite the artist."
The boy seemed quite pleased. She'd seen him around but hadn't had the chance to converse with him without others present.
"Here, you can have these. You can tell them the fire paintings to represent your grief about what happened," he talked fast, "and these water paintings are you putting it all out, washing it away."
"Why would I want to do that...washing it all away?"
"So they stop hassling you to open up," he grinned and winked at her, "give them something, and they'll leave you alone."
"You sound like an expert."
"I've been in places like these before."
"It's a sweet gesture, and for a brief second, she forgot her guilt and fear.
"Thank you, she smiled," folding the papers and then tossing the entire contents of her mid-morning snack into the trash.
She was about to return to her room when a staff member informed her she had visitors.
"Who?" She breathed in disbelief.
"Christian and Mia Grey."
"They're here right now?" Ana asked, running a hand over her hair, feeling ugly.
A thousand thoughts competed for her attention as she dashed back to her room and tossed the artwork on the nearest shelf.
Her heart pounded as she stood in front of the bathroom mirror and frowned. Thanks to the hospital brand shampoo and conditioner (which aside from smelling like antiseptic, left her hair more unruly with each use), her medium-length hair looked straight and stiff like an old straw broom. The only fix was to wet her hair and pull it into a bun.
Next, she moistened a washcloth and thoroughly rubbed her teeth and gums to remove the plaque. She then applied medicated chapstick to her pale lips.
Lastly, she discarded her hospital gown in the designated spot for the laundry and grimaced as she slid into the only clothes she owned; a plain top and a pair of tights. The fabric was still damp as she'd washed them by hand less than 24 hours ago and had not finished drying.
"Are they here?" Ana eagerly asked the staff, peering toward the double EXIT doors.
"Yes, they're outside the door. Give them a few minutes."
Five, ten minutes passed.
"Are you sure they're out there?
Ana couldn't believe it when, at last, a handsome copper-haired man walked through the metal doors looking impeccable. Her eyes connected with his, and for the briefest moment, she thought he was the answer to her little-girl dreams.
Her gaze shifted to Mia as she and the Adonis pushing her wheelchair were handed hospital-grade masks and asked to put their phones and keys in a basket.
"Mia!" Ana grinned, a bit confused about the wheelchair.
"Sorry, I didn't tell you; I was in a car accident 18 months ago."
Ana's face softened, genuine fondness playing in her eyes as she leaned over and embraced her friend.
The two women held hands and held each other's gaze.
"I don't understand...why didn't you tell me?" Ana asked her voice a mixture of concern and compassion.
"Oh, Ana. It's a long story. You were going through a lot, and I didn't want you to look at me like everyone else," she paused, looking over her shoulder, "Ana, meet my brother Christian."
Right then, everyone's favorite patient (Sonya) knocked over a cart full of supplies in a fit of rage, making all heads turn in her direction.
The commotion lasted a minute or two.
When it was finally over, Ana's attention awkwardly shifted back to her visitors.
"Hi," she smiled at Christian, "I've heard so much about you, I feel like I know you."
Her smile faded the second her words left her lips.
"Nice meeting you," he murmured, his unfriendly tone matching his unfriendly face.
He didn't offer his hand, and neither did she.
It took a minute for Ana to recover. Surely, this wasn't the brother that Mia spoke so highly about.
"I'm sorry...you're Christian...or Elliot?" she asked, thinking perhaps, she had gotten Mia's two brothers mixed- up in her head.
"I'm Christian," he answered gruffly.
Ana had once heard that the most precious sound in any language was the sound of a person's name. So she didn't take it personally when Christian Grey seemed pissed at her questioning his identity.
As if on cue, the staff ushered them to continue their visit in Ana's room. They brought in extra chairs, drinks, and snacks for everyone.
Ana watched Christian wave off everything offered except for coffee. The minutes passed with Ana becoming increasingly aware of his taciturn personality.
Mia carried on the conversation with ease. She was in her element, doing most of the talking; occasionally, she would draw Christian into the conversation, but he didn't elaborate much.
Listening to him speak, Ana tried to reconcile the man in front of her with the 'wonderful' and 'caring brother that had always filled her with envy.
Never mind that her first impression of Christian Grey felt heavier than a brick. Who cared if the scrutiny of his gaze made her feel as if he was evaluating her suitability as a member of the human race.
The important thing was that Mia adored him, and it showed. And that's the thing about love; it makes us blind as a bat.
Ana blinked in disbelief when, all of a sudden, Mia popped the one-million-dollar question.
"Ana, how would you like to come and live with us as my companion?"
"Me? Ana shrieked.
"Yes, it would be an actual job, not charity, I promise."
"And you want me to come live with you?" Ana covered her mouth with both hands and stifled a sob, "that would be wonderful, Mia!"
Mia and Christian exchanged a knowing look, and Ana followed Mia's gaze.
"I understand you've never done this type of work before, so you'll need training. A big part of your job will be assisting Mia in getting in and out of her chair."
"Everything will be fine, don't worry, Ana." Mia winked at her friend. "Besides, my nurse will also be there too."
"She won't always be there," Christian replied abruptly, peering at Ana, "We'll discuss the training details later."
"Of course," Ana nodded, noting the sharpness in Christian's tone and demeanor when addressing her.
Soon, Christopher came in with a clipboard, asking her to sign paperwork authorizing the release of her records, explaining this was a necessary step for her release.
Shortly after, Ana's lunch arrived.
"Wow, you get pan-cooked pizza for lunch? Mia said with glee, "Hmm...it smells delicious."
Ana smiled reluctantly; food rarely excited her these days.
"We'll be back later," Christian said, moving toward the door.
"We're grabbing something at the cafeteria; enjoy your meal," Mia said.
Ana breathed a sigh of relief after they left. She was glad for the break; besides, she didn't like it when other people watched her eat and commented about how much she ate.
Later
Peeking through the open door and down the hallway, she saw Dr. Grey speaking with Christian and Mia, their interaction cozy and warm.
And that's when it hit her.
Of course!
The facts spoke for themselves: Mia's mother was a doctor. And the trio also happened to share the same last name.
"Where is Mia? She asked Christian when he returned to her room without his sister.
"She'll be back in a few. Do you want to sit?"
Ana nodded nervously. She wanted to make a good impression, but at the same time, she felt self-conscious about her appearance.
Christian sat on the bed and motioned her beside him.
She sat, trying her best not to slouch, noticing the black folder in his hand.
"I got paperwork for you to sign. This is a non-disclosure agreement," he said while producing the document.
"What does this agreement mean?"
"It means that you cannot disclose anything you learn about Mia or my sister Mia to anyone ever."
"Okay, I'll sign."
"Aren't you even going to read it?" Christian asked, handing her a pen.
"No."
"You should always read anything you sign, Anastasia, so take your time."
"It's okay, really."
Ana sighed, knowing she would be unable to concentrate; under his scrutiny, her face burned with embarrassment down to the follicles of her hair.
"This here is your employment contract, " he added, moving a tad closer until she was overcome with the scent of his aftershave.
"Okay."
"Here it outlines your monthly salary. If it's acceptable to you, sign here," he pointed to a blank line with a sticky tab next to it.
Ana looked over at the figure, blown away. The amount was at least three times what she made as a secretary.
"Yes," she murmured as she signed.
"Perfect," he mumbled, satisfied. He then produced more documents at a dizzying speed.
"These papers allow me to act as your employer AND legal guardian."
"Guardian?" Ana laughed, "I'm twenty-two!"
"Your age doesn't matter in the least for your legal status here at Sonrise; you are currently a ward of the state."
"Wh-what?"
"You were admitted as a Jane Doe since you didn't carry an ID."
"That doesn't make sense, Ana shook her head, "I gave them my personal information...my medical record number, and.. my address at my parents..."
Christian peered at her with undisguised pity. "Anastasia, neither your brother nor your parents wanted to sign the paperwork necessary for your release."
Ana felt as though she'd been suddenly thrown into the freezing waters of the Atlantic Ocean.
What?!
Her only family had the chance/power to sign for her freedom... and yet they refused?
"I'm sorry to be the one to have to tell you this, but they're the reason for the 12-day hold. They filed a legal motion for transferring you to a long-term facility."
Ana gasped, and the rest of her body became numb, able to observe and absorb but unable to free itself from the big tangle of seaweed sinking her.
She dropped her gaze, ashamed. What was the appropriate response to finding out that her own family had done this to her; they had signed papers indicating they believed she deserved to stay in this horrible place forever.
"Mia and I spoke with the hospital administrator about your situation," he continued, oblivious to her pain. "You cannot leave this facility without a temporary mental health conservatorship; they need someone in charge of your medications for the next 30 days. And that person is me," he said as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
"What happens after 30 days?"
"There will be a court hearing whether a judge will determine whether to terminate or extend the conservatorship."
Ana couldn't help glaring at him. She hated the idea of him having so much power over her; still, she swallowed the little bit of pride she had left and said nothing.
This man represented her ONLY chance to get her life back.
"Your duties and other practicalities are outlined here," he pointed at a paragraph, "read this part where it talks about you keeping me informed of your whereabouts," he paused. "Look, I know there's a lot of information to absorb. I'm not expecting you to sign this contract immediately. I can also call the hospital administrator to explain it to you in further detail before you sign." he offered, almost kindly.
Needing fresh air, she made a beeline for the door and peeked down the hallway. The staff at the reception desk stopped gossiping to stare at her curiously.
The idea of this place becoming her permanent address horrified her to the very core.
"I don't need to talk to anyone else about this." she returned to sit on the opposite side of the bed.
I will sign your contract," she gestured for the pen.
"You must have some questions."
Without uttering a response, she retrieved the pen from his hand. Their fingers touched briefly, and they both jumped back as if struck by lightning.
In full retreat mode, she signed every paper with a sticky note next to it and handed him back the pen, careful to avoid his touch.
"You signed the NDA," he said after a long silence, "you can ask me any questions, and I will do my best to answer them."
"Actually...I do have a question."
Christian nodded, his dark gaze prompting her to continue.
The question burned in her lips. She considered letting it sit in the roof of her mouth and then swallowing it.
But her curiosity won.
"Are you and Dr. Grey related?"
Christian's eyes remained unreadable.
"Yes, she's my mother."
"And Mia's?" she asked, even though she knew the answer. She was stalling for time.
"Any other questions?"
"No."
"If you don't mind, I do have a few more questions of my own," he
smiled an unfriendly smile that had alarm bells ringing in her head.
You were found wandering the streets of downtown Seattle in the middle of the night. What were you thinking?" He asked as if expecting to prove by the manner of logic that she was taking too much space in the universe.
"I don't believe that's any of your business," she replied, surprising herself; she still had a bit of her old spunk left.
"If I'm going to be your legal guardian, there can be no secrets between us."
She held his gaze and felt an intense dislike for Christian Grey. One thing was to submit to his wishes without question, and another was to spill her heart out to him; who did he think he was to demand she reveal her innermost secrets?
"I need a moment," she said, dashing to the bathroom.
...
Leaning her head against the wall, she closed her eyes and prayed that she hadn't ruined everything.
Taking a deep breath, she repeated the following words as a mantra:
Don't act like a victim, and don't resist if your opponent is mightier than you ( as her martial arts instructor used to say.)
She waited until she was calm again before exiting the bathroom and was relieved to find him there still.
"I will do my best to answer your questions," she said humbly.
"Good," he replied, wasting no time getting to his next point, "I took the liberty of calling your parents to see what they had to say about the night of your disappearance," he informed her matter-of-factly.
Oh, dear God!
Ana braced herself for the worst.
"According to your father, you vanished one afternoon before sundown without a trace. At first, they thought you'd gone out for a walk. Hours later, they thought something was terribly wrong since you'd left your purse, phone, or car keys. It wasn't until the following morning they were notified you'd been picked up by the police..."
"I didn't mean to worry them," she lied, barely making eye contact.
The truth was she had been lucky to escape, and her parents were experts at covering up, hiding behind pretty pretense.
The look of disbelief Christian gave her spoke more than a thousand words.
She felt like the ugliest woman on the planet. Once, she'd heard a lawyer say jurors were far more likely to believe good-looking people than average or ugly ones.
"Didn't your mother ever teach you to NEVER leave the house without your phone, money, and ID?"
Ana thought about it for a moment. She was well aware of how foolish her behavior appeared. At the time, the only thing she cared about was getting away. It didn't make sense unless she revealed the abuse she had suffered. And she wasn't ready for that. In her experience, people were quick to judge and slow to understand.
Moreover, her story was anything but average. When was the last time the media featured a family holding hostage one of their own without a believable motive? It was not as if she were a high-society Rapunzel worth a million bucks.
"I don't... want to go back there. My folks and I had a huge argument, and I went for a walk without my purse. I was listening to music on my iPod and lost track of time. I boarded the next bus home, fell asleep, and didn't wake up until the bus driver woke me.."
"And that's how you wound up traveling from Montesano to Downtown Seattle?"
Ana nodded, avoiding his eyes.
"Not buying it, not for a second," Christian murmured. "You ran away; the question is why you left the way you did."
Christian suddenly stood up as if suddenly done with her.
"Wait, where are you going?"
"Let me make one thing clear. There is no way you're leaving this facility with my signature on your release papers...and I'm not signing until I'm convinced you're not hiding something from me...do you understand?"
Ana nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat. Part of her hated having no choice in the matter. The other part (the bigger part) was appropriately terrified.
"Anastasia Steele," he spoke suddenly, commanding her attention like a lawyer in full cross-examination mode, "how do I know you won't run away the first chance you get?"
"Look, Christian, may I call you by your first name?"
"Please."
"I really appreciate the job you're offering me. I love your sister dearly, and I'm honored she has chosen me as her companion. And I will never jeopardize her trust or yours."
"Good. If there is one thing I expect from ALL my employees, and that is complete honesty, " he said in a patronizing, lecturing voice, "and you, Anastasia Steele, are no exception to the rule."
"Duly noted." Her gaze settled on a book titled: Modern Man in Search of a Soul by Carl Jung. Her spirit brightened, remembering a line from the book that was absolutely perfect.
"Thank you for giving me the chance for a fresh new start. I am not what has happened to me, I am who I choose to become."
Christian brows rose as if meditating on her words. He then walked toward the door.
"I'll be back in three days," He spoke, his hand wrapping around the doorknob without turning it, "provided you keep taking your meds and stay out of trouble," he concluded rather cryptically.
A/N:
Everyone, life is a bit hectic right now. I'm in the middle of moving cross country which has been preventing me from updating as often as I'd like. I will, however, keep you updated about the next update. My plan is to post regular (once a week) updates on my profile page. It's part of holding myself accountable during this hectic time, and also letting you know I"m still writing.
Thank you all for reading. Also, I'd like to thank Snoopylover60 and T Traveller for your feedback for this chapter.