Chapter 14: Soldier's Heart

He'd risen hours before the first rays of sunlight even touched the horizon, intending to finish some overdue paperwork. Walker was passed out under a mountain of blankets and Timcanpy had made a nest of his hair, pushing the boy's face so far into the pillow, Link almost considered suffocation a possibility. He washed his face, dressed, and brushed his hair into a low ponytail. His charge never stirred throughout this process, for which Link was grateful. Fleeting occasions like this had become his only moments of privacy in recent months.

Satisfied with his preparations, Link pulled a small golem from one of his desk drawers and removed its activation pin. The golem was programed to monitor Walker in his absence, so it would not follow him. Then he slipped from their shared quarters and made his way down the hall to the exorcists' private kitchen, the one used by the apostles who preferred to take meals in the seclusion of their quarters. And the ones who indulged in midnight snacks without having to run to the main mess hall on the first floor.

It was only three doors down from Walker's room. He would only take a moment to make himself some tea and then return promptly. It wouldn't take more than five minutes.

Link opened the kitchen door and was surprised to find the exorcist Lenalee Lee slumped gracelessly at the table, her head in her hand and a cup of tea at her elbow. The young man stopped short, startled by the unexpected presence of another person. Usually, the kitchen was devoid of life this early in the morning. He took in her rumpled nightdress and disheveled hair, the bandages on her hands and bruises on her bare feet, and the crystalline Innocence that seemed to hang about her ankles like fetters. The tea had gone cold, he could see no steam rising from the cup.

"Miss Lee?"

The lady exorcist jumped at the sound of his voice, her slender shoulders jerking violently toward her ears as she whirled around. Link would have chided her for the inattention to her surroundings if not for her swollen red eyes and the obvious tears she scraped furiously from her cheeks. Rather he apologized for startling her and considered backing out of the kitchen to preserve what was obviously another's private moment. Miss Lee nodded and turned back to her cold tea, as she was quickly finding out in taking a sip. She immediately made a face and set it down with a sigh.

She looked so tired. What was she doing up at his hour? The lady usually preferred to rest her body by sleeping late during her free days. He could understand the need for tea now and then, but… Link glanced at her once or twice in discomfort, then slowly made his way forward. "Here, allow me." He said as he carefully relieved her of the cup and saucer and brought them to the sink.

He sensed Miss Lee's weary eyes following him and her bleak voice called after, "You don't have to do that."

"It is of no consequence, my lady." He filled a tea kettle with water and set it to heat, then picked up the box of green tea she'd presumably left on the counter. Shincha. A favorite of hers? He glanced back at her blank, exhausted face, but the young woman offered no insight, just a confused stare before she dropped her gaze to the table.

"Do you have an assignment today, Miss Lee?" Link asked quietly. "Is that why you're awake at such an hour?"

"No, I—" She cut herself off, "I just woke up from a nightmare, Inspector. That's all."

"A nightmare?"

"Yeah…" She sighed, still refusing eye contact and clearing her throat. "There's this…recurring nightmare I have."

Link was silent, contemplating his next words carefully. What was proper here? It would be rude to ignore such a statement, especially when it upset her so. Yet they were only mere acquaintances, and he presumed she would rather discuss it with one of her comrades. He had offered her tea, so that was a start, so what now? Should he offer to fetch her a sleep aid? Did she want to go back to sleep after that? Should he sit with her until she'd collected herself a little more? Again, he was only an acquaintance of hers. Perhaps she wouldn't welcome such familiarity.

"…I wake up in this silent world and I'm sitting on top of the ruins of the old headquarters." He tensed as the young woman broke her silence. "There's a black sea and a black moon, and…and there's someone in the water. Sometimes it's Allen. Sometimes it's my brother. Kanda, Miranda, Krory, Marie. This time, it was…" She sniffled. "It was Lavi. And I can never tell if they're alive or dead. It's like the world ended and there was only me, and it always seems so real."

"That sounds awful." Link murmured and carefully lowered himself into a seat beside her.

Something about her description seemed strange, like she had told him about this before. Why was that? Tears welled up in her eyes until they overflowed and spilled down her wan cheeks, wherein she immediately wiped them away. Link reached for his left breast pocket to offer her a handkerchief, only to remember he wasn't in uniform. He then passed her one of the cloth napkins left folded neatly on the table, which she accepted with a quiet, "Thank you."

Miss Lee quietly blew her nose, and for a moment, Link considered placing a hand on her shoulder. That was such an intimate gesture, though. Not unfamiliar to her, granted, but anyone who touched her in such a familiar manner were her comrades or her brother. She wouldn't welcome such an advance from him…right? "W-would you like me to find one of your friends to speak with you? I could wake Walker. I'm sure he—"

The young woman shook her head violently. "No! No, I don't want to disturb them."

"Very well." Link nodded, although she did not see, and fell silent, although he knew not if that was the right choice. In a situation like this, he was at a loss, though he sensed she would rather not discuss her nightmare at length. He glanced up at the tea kettle in hopes it was boiling, but no such luck. Miss Lee hiccuped and wiped her eyes. Why am I even here? She's an exorcist. She shouldn't be crying over a trifle such as a nightmare. But it would be entirely discourteous to leave her weeping without offering some form of solace. She was a lady.

And a human.

"I'm sorry." Her voice came in a pathetic whimper. "I must be bothering you terribly."

"No, nothing like that, miss." Link shook his head. "Since…you would rather not wake Walker or the others, I shall sit with you if you'll allow."

Miss Lee paused, taking in a shaking breath of air to calm herself, then nodded. "I'd like that. Thank you."

"Of course." Link nodded and folded his hands neatly in his lap. "Is it often you have these nightmares?"

The young woman did not answer him immediately and her arms drifted upward to wrap around her trembling body. Was she cold? "I always have nightmares. Every night I go to sleep now, I see the black moon. I haven't been able to sleep through the night since we came back from Noah's Ark."

That was over three months ago. "Miss Lee," He began. "Have you been keeping this to yourself this whole time?"

She shook her head. "No, the Head Nurse and a few of the doctors know. So does my brother. I told him. Kanda and Marie probably suspect it, though."

I imagine so. You seem particularly close to them.

"It's just…"

Hm?

"These dreams I have of my family, they remind me of how I never had the chance to say goodbye to some of them, and I regret that so much." Fresh tears began to spill down her cheeks. "Yes…Link, I want to tell you I'm sorry. For that day I hit you on the train. And for the things I said."

"What?" Why on earth was she bringing that incident up again? Goodness, hadn't they settled this already? "There's nothing to apologize for, Miss Lee. What I said to you back then was thoughtless, I did not consider your feelings, and it was truly disrespectful to voice such insensitive thoughts to our only hope. If I'm to be frank, I feel I deserved that punch."

"Don't justify what I did." She snapped, refusing to look at him. "Hitting you was inexcusable, and I knew better than that. I was raised better than that."

"You hate the Crows, don't you, Miss Lee?" He nodded in understanding. "Just as you hate Central?"

"That's no excuse. I knew better and I did it anyway." She dried her eyes and blew her nose again. "And I want to tell you how sorry I am. Just so…"

He let her thoughts trail off unvoiced, unwilling to finish the sentence for her. Had she truly been bothered by such a trivial thing this entire time? Perhaps not so much a trifle to her, and yet…it really was something she didn't want on her conscious should the worst happen to him. Him of all people. And a Crow. The idea of it was almost touching in its own way.

He opened his mouth to speak but rather took notice of the tea kettle boiling on the stove and hurriedly stood. The lady exorcist said nothing as he poured the scalding water into a clean cup and added the tea leaves to the strainer, then strainer to cup. Immediately, the water began to darken to a mild amber with a sweet aroma. Shincha, right? Making a mental note to try this blend for himself at a later time, he picked up the tea by the saucer and brought it back to where the lady was seated.

"Miss Lee." She looked up at him curiously. "I forgive you for your actions that day. A trifle such as scolding an ally for his callous words should be the very least of your concerns right now. Please don't distress yourself over that matter any longer."

Her eyes watered again before she seemed to compose herself, lowering her eyes in a nod. "All right."

Link swallowed and continued uncertainly. "I…I do not wish for you to be troubled so. Since that day when you saved Miss Lotto, myself, and the finders from that Level III, I've…grown fond of you." The lady said nothing, her eyes widening and her delicate jaw tightening. Taking her reaction for indignation, Link felt his cheeks flush in embarrassment. "Forgive me, I've said too much."

"No, no! It's fine. I just didn't expect…" Quickly, she averted her eyes and scrubbed a hand across her still damp face. "…thank you. That…that was a very kind thing to say, Inspector."

A kind thing, huh? He was not kind. He couldn't afford to be. Not as a Crow. Nor as an Inspector. Yet at her words, he smiled. "Are you feeling better?"

"A little, yes." She picked up the tea cup (not in the delicate way a lady did, he noted) and took a sip, sighing quietly. "Thank you for talking to me."

"It was my pleasure, my lady." With a glance to the clock on the wall, he added, "I would recommend returning to your quarters soon, though. You should be resting."

"Fight, train, rest." The lady smiled wryly. "Is there nothing else to the life of an exorcist?"

"I used to think so. But you've helped me see otherwise."

-0-0-0-

Author's Notes: Almost confession but not quite there. So close.

D Gray Man is owned by Katsura Hoshino.