A/N
No, dear reader, you are not having a stroke. A few days ago, on the 12th of May, One Step Behind had its 2nd year anniversary! Gah it's been so long since this baby started! Genuinely so proud of how far we've come! Give yourselves a pat on the back guys! We couldn't have done it without you!
Why didn't we celebrate the 1st year anniversary...? I... uh... May have forgotten to put it in my calendar. That was my bad. Sorry about that. But even so! I have something special for you today! A scenario that has honestly been living in my head rent free since I accidentally thought about it one time. But honestly, I've had so much fun writing this you guys. Took half the time it'd normally take me to write one of these chapters. Plus it includes some of my all time favourite non-canon characters, I'm sure some of you can hazard a guess who! ;-)
Hope you guys enjoy this fun chapter, and we'll properly catch up with everyone on Punk Hazard next update! Thanks for sticking with me all this way, I'm looking forward to continuing the journey with you!
Strauss woke up in her hammock one morning feeling… shit. Worse than shit. She felt fucking terrible.
It was still dark. The pain had woken her up way earlier than she'd planned, and the sun hadn't even risen yet. Sanji still lay quietly snoring in his bed. As oblivious as ever. Strauss sighed. She had too little sleep to begin with to start waking up early. So she snuggled back down, turned on her side, and tried to get back to sleep.
But… she couldn't.
There was something roiling in her stomach. A sort of pain that she'd never felt before, which stopped her from being able to sit still. No matter how much she tossed and turned (which she couldn't do much of, mind you, in her hammock) she was always uncomfortable.
This wouldn't do.
Begrudgingly, Strauss sat up and swung her legs over the edge of her hammock. If she couldn't sleep she might as well do something productive with her time… Although… What was…
As her eyes adjusted to the gloom, a strange mark on her hammock caught Stauss's attention. It wasn't a piece of fluff or anything… no, instead it appeared to be some sort of stain. A red… brown… stain…
Strauss promptly toppled onto the floor.
"Straaaaauss…" Sanji groaned as he flopped onto his other side. "I know you wanna train but keep it down…"
She gulped, hastily feeling the painful area around her stomach. "I'm… bleeding?"
"Oh you're blee…"Both of his eyes shot open. "You're what!?"
"I'm bleeding and I don't know where!"
"Wait you're bleeding? Like blood bleeding?!"
"Yes you idiot what other kind of bleeding is there?!"
"Well I dunno, what the fuck can hurt you in here?!"
"How am I supposed to know there was blood in my hammock and I don't know how it got there!"
"It wasn't from last night or-"
"I THINK I KNOW MY HAMMOCK WELL THANK YOU VERY MUCH I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHY I'M BLEEDING!"
"WELL EXCUSE ME FOR TRYING TO HELP OR BE WORRIED ABOUT YOU IN ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM I JUST WOKE UP AND I'M FREAKING OUT HERE!"
"YOU'RE FREAKING OUT?! WHAT ABOUT ME?! I DON'T EVEN SEE A CUT ON ME OR ANYTHING SO WHY THE HELL AM I BLEEDING?!"
"MAYBE YOU SHOULD SEE A DOCTOR?!"
"DOCTORS ARE EXPENSIVE!"
"STRAUSS YOU'RE BLEEDING I THINK YOU SHOULD SEE A-"
Wham! The door got slammed open.
"WILL YOU TWO BRATS JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND SINCE THE REST OF US ARE TRYING TO FUCKING SLEEP!"
Zeff groaned. And groaned again. This… was not a conversation he'd ever thought he'd have with kids. Or wanted to for that matter. Part of him seriously debated whether he should've just let the two idiots scream themselves hoarse last night, sleep be damned… but…
His head thudded against his desk. "What the fuck am I gonna do with you two…?"
Sanji and Strauss at least had the decency to look sheepish in front of him. Strauss especially. This was the reddest he'd ever seen the girl, and she still looked more than a little bit queasy. Zeff almost felt sorry for her.
Then he remembered the shithole of a situation he'd gotten himself in and disregarded all pity entirely.
"So. Sanji… Strauss…"
The two straightened at the sound of their names instead of the usual nicknames he called them.
"How much… How much do you…" Uuuuuugh! Zeff hid his head in his hands. Why the fuck did he have to do this? Oh. Right. Sleep. Sleep was good. "How much do you… uh… know about… hmph… periods."
Silence.
Zeff slammed a fist onto his desk, "Say something dammit! You guys must know at least something! Strauss?"
Strauss, since the one major female influence in her life had walked out on her when she was a child and her remaining parent was more than a little bit irresponsible, shook her head.
"S- Eggplant?!"
Sanji, since the only major female influences he'd ever had was his deceased mother and the sister he hadn't seen since he was five and he'd then grown up with male sailors, also shook his head.
Zeff tore at his hair. "N-nnnnnngh!"
What was he supposed to do?! He… Well he knew about per… about the female cycle as much as the next guy did, but he wasn't equipped to teach it to kids?! Especially someone who'd have to deal with them for the near distant future?! He… how the hell was he supposed to do this?!
His eyes flicked to the transponder snail snoozing on the corner of his desk.
Perhaps it was time to call in that favour…
A meaty hand pushed open the door. "HEEEY YOU FILTHY BASTARDS AND BITCHES!" Patty grinned toothily at Strauss.
Oh dear god…
"Here!" A plate of dark chocolatey desserts got thrust under Strauss's nose. "I heard your pussy was gushing blood like they do so I got ya some treats to make ya feel better!"
…
. . .
Oh dear god!
"OI PATTY!" Sanji was the first to react as he lunged towards the man. "HOW DARE YOU USE SUCH CRUDE LANGUAGE IN FRONT OF STRAUSS-SAN!"
"WHAT WAS THAT YA LITTLE SHIT?! I WAS JUST TELLING IT LIKE IT FUCKING WAS!"
"TAKE YOUR WORDS BACK THIS INSTANT!"
"NO FUCKING WAY!"
Strauss herself seemed to be having an out of body experience, staring at the… uh… the area between her legs with a vacant and unfocused expression.
"STRAUSS-SAN IS ILL Y'HEAR, SO WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU DOING YOUR JOB ON THE FLOOR?!"
"I COULD ASK YA THE FUCKING SAME?! WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU DOING YOUR FUCKING JOB?!"
"I… uh… I'M GIVING STRAUSS-SAN SOME EMOTIONAL SUPPORT!"
Without a moment's hesitation Zeff picked up the transponder snail and punched the number in with all the force he could muster.
Purupurupurupuru… Purupurupurupuru…Purupurupurupuru…
"C'mon c'mon c'mon pick up already…" Zeff's finger tapped impatiently on the desk. "Pick up the snail…!"
Purupurupu- Ca-cha!
"Hey, Red-Foot, I thought I told you not to contact me anymore. I'm busy."
THANK GOD! Zeff practically deflated with relief as the voice chimed through over the ongoing fight that was now unfolding in the corner of his office (Sanji seemed out for blood). Holding the snail up to his mouth, Zeff sighed and faintly moaned…
"Help."
Stepping through the front door of the Baratie, all Jessica could do was curl her nose. To think, a renowned Marine chef like her, was setting place in a lowly place like this?! It was a disgrace! An utter and absolute disgrace!
But… She groaned, tightening her Head Chef scarf tighter around her neck. She owed that bastard a favour. If she did this one last thing for that criminal he'd leave her the hell alone again! That, and only that, was the reason she'd rushed over here so quickly from the Grand Line.
"Wheeeew!" Her husband Jonathan leant peered curiously into the restaurant. "This place seems pretty nice! Maybe once you've finished up doing whatever the hell they've asked you to do here, we can sit down and actually go on a date for once."
"We go on a date every day!"
"You standing over and making sure I eat my vegetables doesn't count as a date."
"The answer's still no." She stormed forwards, earning her several glares from the diners. "I'm not letting you eat whatever they're serving here! It's probably shoddily made and incredibly unhealthy!"
Jonathan sagged- "Aww…"- and trailed after her.
"Uh…" His men by the door faltered. "What should we do, Vice Admiral sir?"
Turning back he smiled weakly, "Why don't you boys stay on the ship for the time being. It wouldn't do to scare all the diners here, now would it? I'm sure we can get you something tasty for your efforts."
The young recruits beamed. "Y-yessir! Thank you sir!"
"You're too soft." Jessica grumbled.
Jonathan merely shrugged. He knew by now there was no point arguing with her.
"Hey!" An incredibly muscular and hairy man who was obviously wait staff marched towards them. "You must be the bitch the Boss called to help with Strauss's pu-"
WHACK!
"I… Uh… Sorry about that…" Another bespectacled figure chuckled nervously as his coworker's body flopped onto the ground after being hit in the head with a frying pan. "Ignore Patty's language… he means well, but growing up on the seas taught him to swear… ahah… like a sailor." He bowed deeply. "My name's Carne, would you like me to take you up to see the Boss?"
"Only after I punch that fucking asshole's head i-"
"Yes." Jonathan calmly put a hand over his wife's mouth to stop her from spewing even more profanity into the otherwise peaceful dining room. "That would be much appreciated, thank you."
Before Jessica started upending tables. Or worse… entered the kitchen.
"You…" Jessica's eye twitched. "You called me here… for what?!"
Zeff bowed so rapidly his head collided with the desk. "Please help me!"
"I… I can't…"
This… was this a joke?! Was this someone's idea of a prank?! Although judging how Jonathan was stifling some snickers in a corner she wouldn't be surprised… but still! STILL!
Hissing in a breath to calm herself, she pinched the bridge of her nose, "You seriously want me to believe that you called me here to teach some brats about periods?"
Another loud splutter came from the corner. Jessica made a mental note to deal with that husband of hers later.
"I mean… you…" She waved an arm towards the girl (since who else could this be about apart from the girl?). "What's your name again…?"
She dipped her head, wearing an expression that Jessica was unfortunately all too familiar with, "Strauss, Ma'am."
"Right. Don't care. You look old enough to know about this sorta stuff already… why the hell're you freaking out so much?"
Strauss paled, an impressive feat considering how pale she was to begin with, and averted her eyes. "This is… my first one…"
"Your first one?!" Now Jessica knew that someone had to be pulling a prank on her. "But you must be at least 16?! Most girls get their periods at around 12 or 13. You must have had at least one before!"
The girl shook her head.
"Y-you shouldn't blame Strauss-san for that sort of thing!" The blond boy, Sanji or whatever it was, tentatively narrowed his eyes at her. He seemed immensely conflicted about something, but Jessica neither knew nor care what. "She was working then! And… and… her diet wasn't great…"
Ah.
All of Jessica's anger dissipated in an instant. That made far more sense.
"I see." Stepping forwards, she knelt down before Strauss's stiff figure. Now that she actually took the time to look, the girl seemed petrified. And obviously so, if she hadn't had anyone to teach her about these things. Jessica didn't know how she would've felt if she'd woken up one day with blood pouring out between her legs for no reason. "How much did you eat per week would you say?"
Strauss flinched, avoiding eye contact with everyone in the room. "Perhaps one or two scraps of bread? Sometimes some meat or fruit if I was lucky? It varied from week to week."
"She was practically skin and bones when she got here," Zeff murmured, to which Sanji slowly nodded in agreement. "Took a little bit for her to actually start filling out again."
Ah. Jessica's lips pursed. She'd heard of cases like this… but never actually thought she'd see someone like this for herself.
"Functional hypothalamic amenorrhea."
"Bless you."
"No." She briefly whipped around and glared at her husband. "It's a condition in women which causes them to stop having periods if their body mass is not high enough. There's other factors and symptoms about the condition… but I don't think any of that sorta stuff will be needed." Her gaze returned to Strauss. "There's a high chance that since your body mass was too low as a child your period couldn't start…"
"Until now when she's a healthy weight again…" Sanji replied.
"Exactly." She smiled proudly at him which (surprisingly) caused the boy to flush. "Simply speaking, everyone's body has a comfortable weight they're used to where everything can function at its best. If you stray too far from said weight, in either direction, or don't get the right balance of nutrients in your diet, things can start to go horribly horribly wrong." Getting to her feet, Jessica jabbed a thumb into her chest. "That's why it's the job of us cooks to make sure everyone stays hea-!"
Wham!
The door got practically punched off its hinges.
"OI STRAUSS! YOU STILL HERE YA BITCH?!"
Oh great. It was the foulmouthed oaf again. Jessica felt a vein in her forehead pulse. Right after she'd made such an impressive declaration too. And how on earth was that man even a cook to begin with!? This was a restaurant, not a bar! She had half a mind to interrogate Zeff about who he recruited onto the staff-
"I got some more chocolate for ya!"
…
Huh?
"Is it really okay for me to eat this?" Strauss mumbled, tentatively reaching out to take the partially unwrapped bar. "I don't want to waste supplies…"
"Nah don't fucking worry about it," Patty grinned back toothily. "I heard form somewhere dark chocolate works well for this sorta shit, so knock yourself out! And I've been meaning to find a use for this shit anyways, way too dark for most cooking."
"Well… thank you then."
"Any fucking time! Welp-" moving back towards the door, he gave a jaunty wave to the rest of the room- "That's all I wanted to do here. So I'm going to go back and deal with those bastard customers until things get sorted out. See ya!"
Clack.
…
A beat of silence passed.
Then another.
…
And… another.
"So dark chocolate helps with periods huh…" Zeff stroked his immensely long moustache pensively. "Good to know… I'll have to be sure to stock up…"
"Dark chocolate… just remember dark chocolate… always have dark chocolate…" muttered Sanji in some sort of strange mantra.
Those… Jessica felt her blood pressure rising. Those utter… Did those idiots…
"Huh..." Jonathan hummed, tapping his chin. "So that's why you always asked for more chocolate each month… that makes more sense…"
Those utter idiots…!
"Can anyone explain to me…"
Silence. Save for the rustle of foil in Strauss's hand.
"...how a man who cusses every other breath KNOWS MORE ABOUT THE MENSTRUAL CYCLE THAN YOU DO?!"
"Ah fuck," her husband paled.
"Don't you 'ah fuck' me, Jonathan! You've been living with me for well over two years now! Protege of Akainu my ass, you're dumber than I thought you were if you haven't managed to figure out that I was experiencing the crimson tide between my legs every month!"
"No, no, I knew that much. Next week isn't i-"
"YOU CAN SHUT YOUR MOUTH! And where do you think you're going?!"
"Uh…" Zeff froze halfway out the door. "Going to help the rest of the chefs? It's the middle of lunch rush right now so-"
"OH NO YOU DON'T! YOU GET RIGHT BACK HERE THIS INSTANT WHILE I GIVE YOU A PIECE OF MY MIND!"
"But-"
"NO! YOU NEED TO LEARN THIS SHIT TOO! AND YOU!"
Sanji flinched.
Pursing her lips, Jessica lowered her accusatory finger, "You're off the hook for now. It's this asshole's fault you grew up knowing nothing. But-" A shudder ran through Sanji's body as she loomed over him- "you'd better listen good to what I'm about to say or I'll whoop your ass to kingdom come!"
Strauss continued to nibble on her chocolate.
"Y-" His head jolted up and down in a nod. "Y-Yes Ma'am."
"Good." Cracking her knuckles, Jessica stormed forwards and snatched a piece of scrap paper and a pen off Zeff's desk. "Now everyone shut the hell up and listen!"
Sanji's… head was spinning.
And his stomach. He felt like he was gonna be sick. He'd probably looked green during that entire lecture.
It was horrible! He'd had no idea ladies had to go through all that trouble each month! Or that their bodies… worked like that… It almost hurt to think about it too much. Sure, it would only be bad for the first few months or so before they wouldn't bleed that much, but still…
He'd never had so much respect for people with a uterus before. Which was saying something.
Strauss, however, had never been so captivated. Although… maybe that was to be expected. Sanji would probably feel the same if someone taught him something about his body. He was glad Zeff had called Jessica over at least for that much… even if that woman scared the life out of him sometimes.
"Here," he placed the plate he was holding before the Vice Admiral in front of him, "On the house, as thanks for helping us out."
Jonathan chuckled, "Oh it was no problem at all. Whatever your boss said to Jessy, it really spooked her. Didn't think we could get over here sooner."
He… wouldn't think about that too much.
"She getting along alright in the kitchen?"
Sanji paused for a moment, thinking back to the various screeches and thwacks and general sounds of violence he'd heard when picking up Jonathan's meal, "... yes? I think so?"
"Perfect! Well then-" Jonathan beamed eagerly, reaching for his cutlery- "I'll tuck myself into this delicious looking lobster! Thank you for the…" he trailed off, finally noticing some conspicuous green lumps in the corner of the plate. "Is that… Did Jessica put those there?"
"Correct."
Blinking, Sanji glanced over his shoulder, "Strauss?"
"Oh don't look at me like that, I'm fine." She raised her leg directly upright to prove it. "A few painkillers and some cloth and I'm good to go again. I have Ms Jessica to thank for that-" she turned to Jonathan- "But in answer to your question, your wife did put them there, and I have a message from her which says, ahem, 'If this plate returns with those vegetables on she will come back personally and shove them down your throat'."
"Awww…" Jonathan grimaced fearfully. "Can't you guys make an exception just this once? For me?"
"Nope."
"Not a chance."
"In case you have forgotten-" Sanji smirked at Strauss- "this is a seafaring restaurant."
"And our primary motto is to not waste food. Although…" She arched an eyebrow in return, "I don't suppose we can make this more palatable?"
"An interesting thought… I might as well try. If you would excuse me, sir." Taking the plate once more, he shot a wink towards the dumbfounded Marine. "When I return, I can guarantee that you will be begging to eat these vegetables."
Jonathan blinked after his receding figure, trying to piece together what exactly had happened. He'd had a suspicion (especially when the kid had started mumbling about recipes including dark chocolate), but this was the confirmation he needed. "So he's not just a waiter…"
Strauss rolled her eyes, misinterpreting what he'd said as a question. "Sanji is our Sous Chef, however he has graciously chosen to assist me waiting tables. I am currently the only designated waiter employed here. May I get you a side dish while you wait?"
"Oh, that would be lovely thank you. Ah…" He waved a hand as Strauss untucked the menu from under her shoulder. "There'll be no need for that. I believe I know what I want. It really stuck out to me on my first readthrough." Even if he hadn't memorised the menu, this one dish had always stood out at him.
He could have sworn . "I see…" the menu went away, and a notepad and pen appeared in its place. "What will it be then, sir?"
"One serving of the popcorn please!"
Hm… now what was that. Jonathan's lips curled into a smirk. That hadn't been a trick of the light. Her face had momentarily… dropped. Nothing too appalling, that was an expression of frustration rather than anger, but still.
Interesting.
Forcing a smile on her face, she begrudgingly scribbled down the shorthand, "Any toppings with that?"
"Just lightly salted please. I am about to eat my main course after all."
"Ah… my mistake." A flick of the wrist and Strauss tucked the notepad away. "That will be with you momentarily."
Jonathan smirked as she two walked back up towards the kitchen. He had been wondering why such an item was on the menu of a high end seafood restaurant. And judging by the reaction his lovely server had, she too was not happy about the arrangement.
Twirling a finger around the rim of his glass, he went back to his previous examination of the restaurant. It was a nice place, although a little contradictory at times. Fighting memorabilia did not exactly seem to fit in with fine cuisine, yet the customers did not appear to think it out of place. Not to mention that the few cooks he had seen passing the kitchen were quite muscular and brawny. There was a reason Jessica'd had that reaction to seeing… Patty was it? The vulgar one. Either way, men like him did not typically end up as chefs. And Strauss…
His finger paused on its cycle.
She was the odd one out here. The enigma. The only female on a staff of men. Possibly the youngest too, depending on how old her friend was. Sharp too, if he was reading her right. The broad smiles and platitudes were nothing like the person he'd seen up in Zeff's office. And quite muscular. Both she and her friend were impressive fighters. Jonathan could tell that much by the way they constantly shifted their weight onto their toes. Prepared to run at a moments notice.
"Here you go sir."
"Oh." He calmly turned back as the focus of his thoughts moved towards him with a bowl heaped with popcorn. "Thank you. This looks perfect."
And would piss off Jessica to no end, but that was a risk he was willing to take. He would try to convince her that his waistline could handle a little bit of fat…
"May I ask you a question or two." He gestured around to the room of customers. "When there is a lull in your assignments of course."
Strauss looked more than a little surprise, but (as he'd expected) gave her consent before turning back to wait on another table.
Jonathan watched her, flicking individual pieces of popcorn into his mouth. She was a diligent worker. Not once showing signs of tiredness of illness to the customers. If he hadn't seen the state she'd been in a few hours ago, he would never have suspected a thing. That girl was a force of nature.
And the way in which she'd answered his questions every time there was a break in her tasks. How she answered his suspicions about the fighting chefs, yet did not properly say whether that was what the popcorn was for. Or how she gingerly skirted around any questions regarding her or her co-workers personal lives. It was surprisingly quick witted. Nothing extraordinary of course (if it had been, he wouldn't have noticed her lapses), but still far more eloquent and proficient than he'd expected.
Which was more than he could say for most of the marines at Naverone.
"I have your meal sir."
And now the vegetables were back… Jonathan sighed in disappointment as Sanji approached him with his 'updated' dish. Oh goo- Wait.
He scrutinised the plate before him.
Not a hint of those green menaces in sight.
Huh?
The dish looked almost exactly the same, but those horrid vegetables had completely vanished. There seemed to be some hashbrown sorta things in the corner, but not a single other thing was out of place. Had the kid taken pity on him? Had he really swapped out those disgusting vegetables for him?
Sanji bowed, a smirk curling at his lips. "I do hope you enjoy your meal."
Allright… Jonathan gulped, staring at the food before him. There was only one way to find out… He knew every trick in the book to hiding vegetables. In the stuffing… but this was a fish not poultry. Under the meat? No there was nothing there...
Huh? Maybe he really was safe.
He beamed up at Sanji, "Thank you, I will."
Finally! A decent meal! And it tasted absolutely delicious too. He could barely resist shovelling more into his mouth… but savouring the taste was just too good! Ah, he really hoped Jessica would get the recipe off them…
Little did Jonathan know, two individuals were watching him from the staircase.
"You put them in the hashbrowns didn't you?"
"Technically they're croquettes, but yes I did."
"Hah. I could tell by the shape. Nothing like any other croquettes served here."
"Well I wasn't trying to fool you now was I? Are…" Sanji paused. "Are you feeling better by the way?"
"Of course! Why would I lie about that sort of thing."
"Strauss, you kept on trying to work when you had a gunshot wound."
"That was a long time ago."
"And you have not changed a bit since."
"Hmph." Rolling her eyes, Strauss smiled back up at her friend. "Seriously though, I'm way better. Now that I know what's going on, I'll be just fine."
"Mhm?"
"I will!"
Chuckling, Sanji let out a long sigh. "I suppose that'll have to do for now. But anyways…" He jerked a thumb back upstairs, "I have to say, I'm looking forward to never seeing those guys again."
"Why?" Strauss smirked. "You don't think Jessica's pretty?"
"Well of course she is, and I really hope that damn husband of hers is treating her with the respect she deserves. But…"
A loud clatter echoed from upstairs.
"NO! HOW DARE YOU TRY AND SAUTE CABBAGE LIKE THAT! IT'S SIMPLY ABHORRENT, DON'T YOU SEE THE LEAVES GETTING CHARRED?!"
Both Sanji and Strauss winced.
"Yeah I see what you mean."
"For once I'm really glad I'm not in that kitchen."
A beat of silence passed.
"Anyways." Strauss motioned towards a table who looked as if they were almost done with their meal. "Shall we forget that for now and get back to work, Pretty Boy?"
Sanji snorted despite himself. "Only if you try and take it easy Twinkle Toes."
"How many times have I told you that I can take care of myself?"
"I would still prefer it if you tried to keep your burden to a minimum."
"And I would prefer it if you kept your curly eyebrows out of my business."
"As if I would ever do that."
…
Little to their knowledge, Sanji would indeed run into Jessica and Jonathan again. Quite unintentionally too, much to his shock. He would never forget the intense stress and pressure he'd had that day trying to evade capture in the depths of Navarone, nor the absolute horror he'd experienced when he'd inadvertently ended up in Jessica's kitchen.
Strauss, on the other hand, merely laughed whenever he told her about his makeshift attempt at a disguise.
The idea of Sanji in a drawn on moustache was always a comical one to her.