Hermione didn't know who to turn to. She retreated to the secret passage in the library to have herself a sob in private. She hated herself for it, but after everything that happened that day, Hermione simply couldn't lift her head off her knees or stop the flow of tears. She felt truly pathetic, but she didn't know what else to do. So, under the muffliatio spell and in a the passage she seemed to only know about, she let herself cry.
Pettigrew's wandless, he shouldn't pose a threat, she reasoned with herself. Who would possibly believe me without evidence?
"You're not exactly the picture of stability," her father's voice rang in her head.
Who would believe me with it? More Voices entered her head and she sank deeper into despair.
You're broken. Mental. Worthless. What is wrong with you? Have you any idea how mad that sounds? She's a nightmare! Mad bitch! This is why your mum left you!
They all thought she was mad. And Pettigrew alive and living as a rat for 12 years? It sounded like something from a children's book. Her father would likely call it a "fairy-tale." No, her best bet was to find him, a rat in a castle with thousand places to hide, and bring him before...before someone? Dumbledore?
That was very clever and I am thoroughly disappointed.
McGonagall?
That is the business of myself and the other professors...Did we even launch an investigation?! Your father certainly made sure you were adequately suspicious, didn't he?
Hagrid?
Yer meddlin' inter things yer ought not to meddle inter!
That left no one. Harry and Ron wouldn't listen and she couldn't think of a single adult who would listen either. Fuck adult, I can't think of a single person who'd listen to me...Can I even blame them? All I do is hurt people.
Hermione plucked a thin sheet of paper from her pocket and unfolded it, reading it over for the ninth time since she was sent it.
Mi-chan!
How are you? And don't say busy! Last six letters you sent just talked about your classes and the Hogwarts Herald.
I've been busy myself, the Mercury is being read more than ever and classes are getting intense. I've started reading the next volume of Kawaii Koneko Mahou Shojo, I think you'll love it. Mama sent me it when it came out. Kaori and I are excited to go home for winter vacation! Baba and Jiji are coming again, we only see them once a year, so it'll be great.
Osofu-san will be coming for visiting for New Years. He has a lot to do over winter vacation for the kids that stay behind. I wonder, what's it like staying behind every year? Is it just you and your father or do you have friends who stay behind as well? You've mentioned them in your letters before, and they all sound great. I hope I get to meet them some day.
Miyuki, Kaori, Saiyaka, Toshio and I have been hanging out a lot between assignments. We have a lot of fun, but we miss you guys. Kaori's still love-sick for Anya. I understand it, I miss you too. I still dream about that night in the bamboo forest. You said it was the best night of your life. I think it was mine too. I never thought my first kiss would be with someone like you. I can't wait to see you again.
Saiyaka says she's worried about you, but I'm not. I know that you won't let anything get to you! You're strong like that. I admire you for it. It's amazing how you can just come up with solutions and fix things. Saiyaka's dumb to worry. Miyuki says so too. My unshakable Mi-chan.
I plan on asking Mama if you and your dad can come visit us during Christmas holidays. Let me know if you can!
I have to get going. Miyuki's helping me with Divination and I can't keep her waiting. You know what she's like. I can't wait till your next letter!
Miss you, love you
Hiro-kun xoxo
Hermione clutched the letter to her chest and tried to steady her breathing. She truly did love Hiro, but he couldn't love her like he thought. Not when he was so wrong about her. Unshakable Mi-chan? I have the resilience as rapidly heated and cooled glass...
She wanted him to be right about her. She wanted to be the sort of person who could handle anything thrown at her. She wanted to be strong. She thought about Saiyaka, a tormented muggleborn lesbian from Osaka who managed to make top of her classes, advocate for oppressed creatures and contribute to the Mercury without falling apart, even if she did get upset. Ginny was possessed by Voldemort, made to do vile things and nearly died, but she adjusted, even thinking about joining the Quidditch team when an opening arose. Luna watched her mother die at eight years of age, she was treated like a social pariah, but persisted through everything with a cheerful smile. And they were younger than her!She should have been the emotionally mature one of the three of them, instead she sat in self-pity.
Then there was Harry. Harry watched his parents die, grew up with negligent and emotionally abusive guardians, was thrust into an unwanted spot light, dodged three attempts on his life and even killed a man, albeit, indirectly and in self-defence. Yet, he stood by what he thought was right, and could connect with others. Harry was strong, Ginny and Saiyaka were strong, Luna was the unshakable one...Hermione was just...pathetic.
No wonder Daddy finds you insufferable! Riddle using Ginny's voice sang in her mind.
Insufferable...Hermione thought back to the time in the library with Luna. Then she thought about the hospital the previous year. She counted on the younger girl to comfort her too many times. Luna had too much going on, Hermione should have never let herself become a burden to her. Hermione had to toughen up if she was ever going to be a good enough friend for Luna, or anyone else she cared about. If she was going to be good enough for Hiro she had to become what he thought she was.
I just wish I had a clue on how to start...
Hermione collected herself, took a few deep, shaky breaths, and crept out of the passage way into the library. Looking around to ensure the narrow isle between the Linguistics, Linguomagic Foundations and Mathemagics was empty (it often was!) she slipped her black flats back onto her stocking feet, picked out a book on Indo-European Incantation Roots, clutched it to her chest and casually signed it out. No one was any the wiser.
During the walk back to Gryffindor Tower, Hermione mentally rehearsed and scrapped apologies to Ron. There wasn't anyway she could think to do it that wouldn't result in him yelling at her. She wouldn't press the Scabbers-is-Pettigrew story until she had absolute proof. But he still blamed her for his supposed death, and Hermione really only wanted to apologize for the comment she made about Ron being unremarkable and a mummy's boy.
I might need help gathering evidence...but who would possibly ever believe me?
In the corridor she spied Lupin patiently nodding and smiling while Luna animatedly told him a story about hunting for Nargles with her father. She loved the way her face lit up when she talked about these creatures. Even if they were completely fictional, even if she was judged harshly, it didn't matter. Hermione smiled thinking of how her silver eyes sparkled when she told people her stories.
Luna, Hermione smiled weakly at the thought as a boulder lifted from her shoulders. Luna would believe me...
Hermione adjusted her bad over her shoulder and started toward the younger girl with hope in her heart for the first time in a long time.
Don't be a burden, you stupid bitch!
Hermione swore she wouldn't burden Luna any further, and she meant to keep that promise. Luna had no way to help her, and Pettigrew was harmless to her. All telling Luna would do was bother her. Hermione refused to bother Luna until she thought she was at risk. That's what a good friend would do, right?
"Hi, Hermione!" Luna beamed waving as Hermione was about to turn away.
"Hi, Luna," Hermione forced a smile and approached. "If you two are busy I-erm-don't want to be a bother."
"It's impossible for you to bother me, Hermione," Luna smiled dreamily before knitting her dirty-blonde eyebrows in concern. "What's up?"
"L-Luna," Hermione choked. "I-I'm fine."
"Luna was just entertaining me with a story about searching for Nargles with her father," Lupin smiled. "And you could hardly be a bother coming when called over."
There was something about Lupin's pale green eyes and easy smile. The warmth in his voice, Hermione still wasn't sure if she could trust him. Between the things she'd read, what her father told her, and frankly, the way every single grown up she'd met withheld information...she really didn't want to. But something felt-he might have been the kindest grown-up she'd ever met.
Suddenly, something struck Hermione.
If Pettigrew and Black both became animagi while they were in school, he would know. Lupin would believe me!
"Actually, Professor," Hermione adjusted her bag. "I-erm-was-erm w-wondering-"
"I missed you in potions today."
Hermione recognized the cold voice speaking behind her without delay. She slowly turned to see her father staring down at her with an all too familiar flame in his black eyes.
"Sorry-I-overslept-sir!" Hermione squeaked at top speed and lowering her head.
"I see," her father said coolly. "A nasty little habit, indeed. We can continue this conversation in my office-" he pointed. "Now, Hermione Elizabeth."
"Yes, sir," she lowered her head again before walking in the familiar direction.
"Severus," she barely heard Lupin say. "I wouldn't be too hard on-"
"This might have escaped your notice, Lupin," her father hissed. "But Hermione is my daughter; not yours!"
"You'll forgive me if I find it difficult to believe that you simply slept through all of your classes," Severus regardless checked his daughter's forehead for fever.
Pulling her long bushy fringe from her eyes to check her forehead her noticed her face was incredibly pale, the usual medium olive nearly was white and the purple rings beneath her brown eyes were more prominent, and her flesh was cold, as if she'd been outside or somewhere else cold for hours. What caught his eye the most were the faint signs around the rim of her eyes that she'd been crying and tried to cover it up. He might not have noticed had it not been for growing up with his mother, who had reached nearly expert levels of hiding it. Severus was less than thrilled that his daughter had felt the need to learn that as well.
"Did anything happen to you last night?" he asked.
"No, sir," she shook her head before turning her gaze to her feet. "I'm really sorry if you thought something had happened."
"I did worry something might have when you failed to show up to your classes," he admitted. "I just wish you had come to me the instant you realized you missed your classes. It would have saved me from wondering if Black had done more than just wipe your memory this time."
Hermione stiffly nodded, her eyes still fixed on the ground. "I should have. I'm sorry."
"Yes," he sighed resting his hand on her head. "You should have. Now, are you absolutely certain nothing happened?"
Hermione nervously wrung her hands before clasping them together and driving her nails into her own flesh. What was she thinking? He didn't like how tempted he was to pry into her little head. It yielded nothing last time, and he didn't want to give her another reason not to trust him. But if she was in danger...
His thoughts were interrupted by a strange and sudden statement in a small voice absent of tone.
"'It went beyond your typical school rivalries'...That's what you said about Sirius Black. Whatever he did, it's still personal isn't it?"
Of course it fucking is! He was a monster even when he was your age! Severus thought angrily. What the hell was she on about? What did he convince you of? He thought with a sudden shudder. How else would she be convinced that-Did it matter? It was none of her damn business. What good could it have done her to know-She doesn't need to know a damn thing. They'll find him and he'll finally know justice. She just needs to keep her little head down.
"I fail to see why that should be any of your concern!" he snapped, with a harsher tone than he tried for.
Hermione sighed and stared at her clasped hands, her grip loosening. "Forget I asked."
Severus stared at the small child evaluating her resigned posture and tone. She wasn't even a teenager yet and she already gave up on him. The cheek, the secret keeping, the expectation of disappointment, what the hell was he supposed to do? It stops now. "You are the last person to be upset over secrets. You've barely been alive over a decade and you've kept more secrets from me than I've ever kept from you!"
"Oh, I doubt that!" Hermione laughed coldly. "Does the name 'Eliza Sato' ring a bell?! What about-"
"Excuse me?" he snapped. "You have no idea the things I've had to do to keep you safe!"
"Unless my mother w-" Hermione began before sighing once more. "Forget it."
"Oh?" he scoffed. "But I'm curious now."
"I doesn't matter," Hermione rolled her eyes. "Forget I said anything. You're all good at that."
"Petulant as always, I see," he lifted her face by the chin. "Let me make one thing abundantly clear, you foolish child, my past is none of your damn business."
"Neither is mine, it seems," Hermione's narrowed her eyes at him and he noticed tears threatening to spring from them.
Father of the bloody year! he thought feeling a lump form in his throat. You've made her cry again, stupid piece of shit. But she can't just-she's not-I can't-What the hell am I supposed to say to that?
"The cheek, Hermione Elizabeth," he said turning away himself and folding his arms over his chest. Not that!
"It doesn't matter," she said in a small, dead voice. "I don't care. I have a lot of work to do, so if you're satisfied-"
"Satisf-" Severus snapped turning back to face his child before pinching the bridge of his nose. "Fine, go."
Hermione didn't hesitate to do so. She turned from him without further word and he knew at the sight of her long, bushy hair trailing behind her in a fury that he'd fucked up. Again.
"Hermione, wait!"
But he'd said it to the door that shut behind her.
Stop crying! Hermione instructed herself as she marched up the stairs. She just had to get back to the dorm and figure out a way to track Pettigrew. Nothing else mattered. She wasted enough time pitying herself.
I can't believe I considered telling him! she clutched her book tightly to her chest. He wouldn't have believed her. Not without proof. Hermione could tell by the way he responded to her question. He hated Black for whatever he did, and there was no convincing him that he was innocent of Pettigrew's murder. She wondered if he would have assumed Black planted that memory had he used legillimancy on her.
Black is innocent of Pettigrew's murder, he's still dangerous, Hermione thought.
Hermione mulled over ways to obtain proof when she was looking for a needle in a hay stack. She could try the potion again, but she'd still have to find him to see the violet aura. She could...I'll have to go to Lupin. Maybe he'll believe me...I could at least get hiding spots from him.
That was when Hermione crashed into a solid form, falling backwards and sending papers flying into the air.
"I'm so sorry!" Hermione squeaked. "I was distracted and-"
"It's okay, Hermione," a dreamy voice said. "I was distracted too."
Hermione looked up to see a pair of large silver eyes staring into her and a gentle smile. How did Luna always find her when she was upset? She just needed to be alone, to think. Yet there she was, literally crashing into her.
"I was thinking about whether the mothrapoodles could been seen in the forest during a lunar eclipse without spectraspecs and-" she shook her head and placed her hand on Hermione's. "Did you get into another fight with Snape? If you want to talk about it, I'm here."
"I fail to see why that should be any of your concern!" Hermione snapped ripping her hand away.
Luna stared at Hermione, her eyes wide and mouth agape for a while before she sighed and shook her head. "Because we're friends. Or I hoped we were."
A knot formed in Hermione's throat and she stared at her friend. Luna was the most harmless person she ever met, and she just-why did Luna want to be her friend? She didn't remotely deserve someone like Luna as a friend. Luna rarely ever seemed phased, but now Hermione could see the hurt in her silver eyes.
It's true, Hermione thought back to when she nearly scratched out Harry's eye. All I do is hurt people.
"I-I'm-" Hermione squeaked backing up after gathering her papers. "I'm sorry, I have to go!"
"Hermione-" Luna started.
"Really, I am so sorry," she continued to back up. "I-shit!"
Hermione should have listened to Luna. Instead she found herself falling down a flight of stone stairs. Unlike when Ginny pushed her the previous year, she managed stop herself mid-way by grabbing a rail and bracing her legs when her feet found a step. She nearly sighed in relief when a sharp, intense pain shot through her shin followed by a sickening, but too familiar crack. Hermione screamed in pain and lost her balance falling down the second half of the stairs and gasping for breath on the landing.
"Hermione!" Luna ran to her. "Are you okay?"
"I-" Hermione inhaled sharply. "I've had worse. I just need to-ugh!"
"I can carry you," Luna suggested placing one hand under her knees and the other under her back.
"L-Luna!" Hermione squeaked finding herself suddenly no longer on the ground.
"I don't know who keeps me busier," Pomfrey huffed examining Hermione's shin. "You or Potter."
"Sorry," Hermione inhaled in pain.
"She's been saying that a lot," Luna said matter-of-factly.
"L-Luna!" Hermione sputtered.
"That too," Luna said brightly.
Pomfrey rolled her eyes and tapped her wand to Hermione's shin with a sigh. "Luckily simple broken bones are something the professors can fix while I'm away."
"You're going away?" Hermione moved her leg, and marvelled at its complete mending.
"My daughter's finally gave me a grandchild," she nodded. "At thirty if you can believe it. I'll be over for Christmas holidays to meet her."
Your poor daughter, Hermione thought as she stepped down. "That'll be nice."
"It will. I haven't had time off since-" Pomfrey shook her head. "So don't do anything dangerous! And you can pass that message along to Potter as well."
"Yes, Madam Pomfrey," Hermione nodded.
"And take it easy on that leg for the next few hours."
Hermione and Luna left the hospital wing, Luna staring at Hermione while she kept her head down uncomfortably. Hermione wrung her hands nervously and bit her lip.
"I'm sorry, I snapped at you, Luna," she murmured. "I just-erm-I-"
"It's okay, Hermione," Luna shrugged. "If I were raised by Snape I think I'd be a tsundere too."
"L-Luna!
November passed and Hermione got into a depressing rhythm as December came around. She attended classes, dashed to the nearest alcove, used the time-turner and attended her other classes. Both Harry and Ron refused to speak to her, Ron making underhanded comments whenever he could, so she had plenty of time to study for her OWLs. With Deirdre, Skylar and O'Malley also undertaking OWLs, they socialized much less ("standardized tests are just a way to weed out those who think differently" Luna, who was busy nursing the kitten she named Artemis, would say), but Hermione could spend even more time building Buckbeak's defence and bringing her information to Hagrid. Neville's Hogsmede privileges were revoked so Hermione spent Novemeber's weekend tutoring him. She imagined she would spend the December weekend doing the same. All the while she worked towards gathering proof for Pettigrew's new ratty existence.
The only reprieve she got were Hiro's letters, which still made her heart flutter. Though she wondered if she deserved someone as wonderful as Hiro. Hermione knew she wasn't any of the things someone should look for in a partner. She was neurotic, scared, moody and she wasn't exactly a Veela either. She compared herself mentally to Miyuki, with her sleek, jet black hair, beautiful dark brown eyes and even pale olive skin. Hermione already knew she was nothing compared to Kaori, who awakened Hermione to her bisexuality, but she didn't feel threatened by Hiro's sister, the way she did by Miyuki. She hated herself for that. She loved Hiro, she loved the way his hazel eyes turned up with his lips when he smiled, she loved the way he ran his hand through his untidy black hair, his compassion, his sense of humour. She just needed to trust him. And if she could have a crush on Kaori and still be completely taken by Hiro, Hiro could be friends with Miyuki.
Still, if you were a decent person, you'd let him go. He deserves so much better than you, Hermione thought clutching Hiro's most recent letter to her chest. She couldn't bring herself to let him go. She still found herself thinking of that night in the bamboo forest. It was perfect, and comforting when her life was falling apart.
The Hogsmede weekend came around and Hermione found herself on the way to the library looking to split her time between homework and Buckbeak's defence. She approached the one-eyed witch statue when she heard Neville call out.
"Hi," Neville said.
"Hi, Nev-"
"Wait up, Harry!"
Right, he has better options than you.
"Oh-erm-hi, Neville," Harry tearing his eyes from the statue.
What are you up to? Hermione wondered as she saw Harry stash a familiar piece of parchment in his robe pocket. Is that...Fred and George's map? Of course I wanted to use it last year to help people but they gave it to Harry for...why? Stop it, stop it, you stupid piece of shit. This is precisely why everyone hates you!
"I forgot you can't go to Hogsmede either," Neville said. "Did you want to play a game of Exploding Snap?"
"Erm," Harry hesitated. "I'd like to but I have work to do on Lupin's vampire essay. I haven't even started it."
"Oh, good!" Neville said hopefully. "I haven't either. We can go to the library together and work on it!"
"Erm," Harry ran his hand through his hair nervously. "I-erm- Hermione? How long have you been there?"
"Oh," Hermione shrugged adjusting her grip on the stack of books in her arms. "I just got here. I was on my way to-"
"The library?" Harry suggested.
"That obvious, eh?" she sighed.
"Yeah," he nodded. "Reckon yo'ure busy with OWLs prep?"
"Oh, I forgot you were advanced to the OWL year," Neville said. "That must be horrifying. Imagine, your entire future resting on a test like that when you're only thirteen? I'd be absolute pieces if it were me. It's a good thing you're clever, I'd be doomed."
"Yeah," Hermione squeaked as the room began to spin around her. "I'm-erm-I-" she looked to their confused faces and clutched the books tighter to her body. "I mean you wouldn't be doomed. You're plenty cl-clever too an-and-Merlin on a bloody stake, is anyone else hot?"
"In December?" Neville raised an eyebrow. "In Scotland, in a castle with no central heating?"
"I reckon she's just over worked," Harry said. "Do you need to sit?"
Hermione shook her head. "I-I-erm-I have an elsewhere to be, I think."
"As I imagine," a familiar cold voice said from behind them. "You do as well."
"Gah!" Hermione spun around dropping her books. "S-sorry, sir."
"I'll give Potter this," her father whispered, steadying her by the shoulders. "You don't seem well at all."
"I'm fine, sir," Hermione said quietly.
"It would seem our definitions of the word differ wildly," he sighed before addressing the boys. "This is a curious meeting place, isn't it?"
"We ran into each other, we're not meeting," Harry said. "Sir."
"I see," he turned his gaze to the one-eyed witch statue. "Well, you lot best get back to Gryffindor Tower where you belong, there's nothing of interest here."
"Yes, sir," Harry and Neville nodded before turning away.
"Oh, Longbottom?" he said.
"Y-yes, s-sir?" Neville bit his lip and stared at Hermione rather than him, as if begging to stop him.
Hermione shrugged helplessly and the knot in the pit of her stomach tightened. Dad, please...
"It might be more prudent to-" he looked to Hermione. "Forget it," he sighed. "Just get out of my sight."
They both didn't need to be told twice and fled with a speed Hermione envied as she bent over to pick up her books. Hermione wished she could say when it was she knew her nerves completely fried. She picked up her books in silence wondering how long she would feel so raw. It was as if her nerves were completely bare without skin or tissue to protect them. She thought about what Neville said and her heart pounded.
Imagine your entire future resting on one test...It's a good thing you're clever. Hermione bit her lip so hard she tasted blood. But what if I'm nowhere near as clever as you think I am?
"He's an idiot," her father stooped to help gather the books. "I'd frankly be amazed if he scrapes a single OWL, Hermione. I wouldn't put so much stock in anything Longbottom says."
"He wasn't trying to be cruel," Hermione explained. "He was just-well, he wasn't thinking, was he?"
"He rarely is," he ran his hand over the top of her head. "And I'm sure if he intended to be cruel the little moron wouldn't have had such an affect."
"I'm fine, Dad," Hermione insisted.
"You think I don't recognize my own daughter's fits of anxiety?" he said helping her to her feet. "You've had these little episodes since you were three. I'm intimately aware of them. And you're poor attempts at handling them."
Hermione looked down at her scarred hands. She was poor at handling...well, she was poor at handling everything. She knew it, he knew, Harry and Ron knew it. Hell, even Neville knew it. "Wait, how much did you hear?"
"Enough," he said sorting through the books in his hands. "Qualifications and Conditions of Magical Law Regarding Non-Intelligent Magical Creatures? Laws of Exotic Pet Ownership in Great Britain and Ireland? Activists for the Rights and Care of Animals Natural and Extraordinary? I see your article in the Quibbler didn't yield the results you hoped for. If only someone older and wiser with a vested interest in your welfare told you your efforts would be wasted. Oh wait, that was me."
"I-I-I have to do something," she took the books. "Buckbeak's innocent. I can't just-" she sighed. "If I do nothing than I am no better than the executioner."
"Hermione," her father softened his tone placed his hand on her head again. "That's not true. Sparing yourself the grief and swinging the axe yourself are entirely different. I just don't want to see you get your hopes up for nothing. I know what that can do to a person."
"You want me to give up on saving an innocent life to spare my precious feelings?!" Hermione scoffed.
"Try to stop this nonsense before it escalates to something that you willingly endanger yourself with. Today it's an attempt to right an injustice from a school rival, then it's taking on a match where you are seriously out-powered and willingly entering the role of martyr."
Hermione rolled her eyes and sighed. "Well, I'm not in any immediate danger helping Hagrid build a defence. If it is a losing battle, it still hardly seems fair for me to let an innocent creature die."
"Life isn't fair, Hermione Elizabeth," he said, black eyes boring into hers. "If you learn nothing else from me remember that. This world will eat you alive if you act as though it is."
"So I should just let things happen around me, so long as I'm not affected?" Hermione narrowed her eyes and backed away.
"Precisely," he said. "Hermione, if I thought the world was remotely fair, do you think I'd have to spend so much time protecting you from it?"
"You're so certain I'm some naive child?"
"You're my child," he lifted her face.
"I have an elsewhere to be," she said. "I ought to go 'where I belong'."
"Fine," he crossed his arms over his chest. "Go, I expect to see you tomorrow morning, ten o'clock. Don't be late."
"I need to talk to you!"
"Hermione," Lupin rose his eyebrows and let her into his office. "Are you alright?"
Why am I always either so fragile everyone need's to worry about my welfare or fucking invisible? Hermione thought bitterly as she looked around the room. "I'm fine. I just-I'm going to tell you something, and you have to believe me."
"Of course, Hermione," he flashed a disarming, gentle smile. "Please, sit."
Hermione already started pacing the length of the room while she mulled over her thoughts. She had to be delicate. She couldn't just accuse Lupin of knowing about either Black or Pettigrew. She didn't know what the terms of their friendship were, and at best she'd be bringing up old wounds and at worst tipping off an enemy.
"Hermione?"
"Pettigrew and Black were friends with you and James Potter when you were boys, right?" Hermione asked, not as delicately as she'd hoped.
"Since first year," he sighed. "Not unlike Harry, Ron and yourself. We were inseparable in those days."
"I'd hardly call us inseparable, not after Ron-" Hermione scoffed before stopping herself. "Did you keep in contact after graduation?"
"Alright, Hermione," Lupin stood in front of her to stop her pacing. His face became serious, but his expression was no less gentle. "Did Harry mention something to you or was it your dad?"
Hermione shook her head. "Neither, Professor. I think I-maybe you should sit down."
Lupin's face paled and his pale green eyes scanned the room before meeting Hermione's brown ones with a strange mixture of suspicion and concern. He sat on his desk, not breaking from her gaze and leaned forward. "I'm listening."
It was so strange hearing that from someone else, Hermione was so used to being the one to say it. She once again grew hopeful that he wouldn't dismiss her out of hand. "I-erm-you see-" Hermione shook her head. "Peter Pettigrew is alive."
Lupin stared at her for a moment, head cocked to the side before sighing. "I know."
"What?" Hermione cried.
Hermione's heart sank to her feet. He knew Pettigrew was alive? Did he know that he was posing as Ron's pet? That he put the boys in danger? Did he care? Hermione was so stupid! How could she ever think she could let herself trust an adult?
"I found out on Hallowe'en," Lupin explained, placing a hand on her shoulder.
"And you didn't tell anyone?" Hermione clasped her hands together trying to tame the squeak in her voice.
"And how long did you know?" he raised an eyebrow.
"S-since the beginning of November..."
Hermione returned to pacing Lupin's office frantically as she explained everything. Figuring out Black toyed with her memory, looking through Animagus papers, Crookshanks's insistance stealing her father's supplies to make the potion, sneaking into the boys' dormitory and revealing Pettigrew's true from and him fleeing before Hermione could do anything.
"So you've known as long as I have, then, haven't you?" he asked softly. "Hermione, like you, I need proof. No one will believe that a man with such a highly publicized death has been hiding in plain sight."
"Especially when he isn't registered as an Animagus," Hermione admitted glumly.
"Right you are, Hermione," he smiled. "You're very clever to have pieced this together. I'm very impressed."
Despite herself, Hermione felt her cheeks burn and she turned her gaze to the stone floor. Stay focused! "And Sirius Black? He's also an Animagus right? a dog?"
Lupin nodded stiffly. "You figured that out too?"
"Is he dangerous?"
"Only to Pettigrew, Hermione," he said. "I swear. Now, do Harry and Ron know?"
Hermione shook her head and gave a bitter laugh. "They think I'm mad. I told them everything, Harry's said nothing and Ron-" a lump formed in her throat at the thought of him. "Let's just say they know everything I know, but my proof scarpered after faking his own death for a second time."
"Oh, I see," he nodded. "I'll tell you this. The Peter Pettigrew I knew was a bloody coward, and what you've just told me, I reckon he still is. He won't hurt a single one of you. I'll find him. You have enough to worry about."
"A man risks losing his soul over a crime he didn't commit!"
"Which is why I'll handle it," Lupin said. "You're still only a child."
If I hear that one more time! Hermione thought bitterly. "And you're a werewolf. Neither of us are exactly credible, are we?"
"Your father told you?" He asked, betrayal flashing in his eyes.
"I figured it out myself," she spat. "I kept track of your sick days. Either you're a werewolf or you have one hell of a menstrual cycle."
"Now I'm impressed and offended," Lupin sighed. "I'm not going to hurt you or anyone else. You wouldn't have come to me if you thought I would."
Hermione bit her lip and averted her eyes. "No, I guess not. But I still don't trust you."
"I wish you did," Lupin still spoke with nothing but understanding.
The sympathy in his pale green eyes made Hermione shrink. She wanted to trust him. Something about his sympathetic gaze, voice and understanding tone made her want to cry to him about her stress, the case, Ron and her father. Whatever stupid part of her brain had to shut him out. He couldn't be trusted. All she wanted was answers. Understanding, sympathy, that could all wait. She was used to being lonely.
"It must be hard," Lupin said. "I'd give Harry and Ron time. They'll come to their senses."
"But-what?" Hermione squeaked. This has to be the most concern anyone's shown over my social life outside of Dad's disapproval of...well, everything.
"You've mentioned they won't speak to you," Lupin said calmly. "Harry's going through a very difficult time right now, and feels like he's stuck between friends. And Ron, he's convinced his pet is dead. Wouldn't you be upset if Crookshanks died and you thought Ron's pet was responsible?"
"Yes, but-" Hermione turned away to wipe her eyes with her sleeve. "I'd have listened if he said a long dead man came back from the grave. And it wasn't like he was very nice to me before. Or ever. Shit!" Hermione squeezed her hands together and managed to stop herself from sobbing.
"Ron does seem to have a lot of growing up to do compared to you and Harry," Lupin mused. "But the two of you are growing up awfully fast. Your situations demand it, I suppose. But Ron's still just a thirteen-year-old boy, and I think he's intimidated by you."
"Intimidated?" Hermione scoffed.
"Intimidated," he nodded with a smile. "And who wouldn't be? You're terribly clever, brave and a very pretty girl. If I were him I would be too."
"'A very pretty girl?'" Hermione's cheeks flushed once more without her wanting. "Now I know you have an agenda of some kind."
"Agenda?" Lupin shook his head. "Just think about what I said next time Ron gives you a hard time, yeah?"
Hermione wondered if Lupin were high off of something. Hermione's entire life she'd never once been told she was pretty save for Hiro. Her own father never once told her that, so she wasn't about to believe it from Lupin. She tried to come up with a clever response, but one that didn't state her vulnerability over her appearance. She mulled over it when a sudden crackle came from the fire place and a deep low voice boomed in Lupin's Office.
"LUPIN!" It was her father's voice. "GET DOWN HERE NOW!"