Katya- Ukraine

...

Boom, got through this one pretty promptly, mostly because it was stupid and the humour was stupid and I am an immature child.

I love these two as family though and wish there was more stuff of Finland and Estonia [and Hungary] as cousins or relatives/friends in general. Come on, they're all so wonderfully weird and must be so fun at family gettogethers.

"Listen, he's basically a DILF," Tino was gushing over a lap tray piled with bowls of sweets, "y'know, except, I don't think he has kids. He just wears dad jumpers. And makes dad jokes."

"So do you," Eduard commented, sprawled out next to him, "on all accounts." He licked the gap where a canine used to be, a habit impossible to drop now since his trip to the dentist to get any remnant shards removed. Fucking Tino. At least he'd been compensated with a jigsaw puzzle and several games from his steam wishlist.

"Yes, but he looks classy in his jumpers, like he does his taxes on time and is secretly into bondage." Tino slipped another sliver of liquorice into his mouth, as if the past ten minutes of talking whilst chewing hadn't been infuriating enough. It was like ASMR, but designed to rile someone up into a murderous rage.

"You just hope he's into bondage," Eduard wrinkled his nose at that.

"I mean, yeah."

Eduard looked like he'd throw up at that. "Too much information, my dear cousin."

Tino rolled his eyes. "Oh come on! We're the bestest friends; we tell each other everything, right?"

"I'm drawing the line at bondage."

"And which side of this hypothetical line would everything else I'm into fall?"

"Take a wild guess." Eduard rubbed his face, features contorted and crinkled in disgust as he tried not to think about the various other kinks Tino had mentioned over the years - sadism still haunted him to this day. He hoped Berwald knew what he was possibly letting himself in for.

"Can we at least drink and talk?" he tried.

"Sure thing, I saved a bottle of Viru Valge specially. It's in my chest of drawers."

"Strange place to keep a bottle." But Eduard complied, meandering over to have a dig for this mysterious bottle of vodka. Instead, he pulled out a riding crop and some handcuffs.

"Wrong drawer," was all Tino cared to comment.

As he held the offending items at arm's length, Eduard gave a smirk. "Is this your secret drawer for when you actually go on a date with Berwald?"

"Woah!" Tino recoiled in horror, "third date, at least!"

"Okay." And they were back in the drawer, and Eduard was a little less innocent. The next drawer down - thankfully - contained the bottle Eduard needed more than ever now and he'd taken a swig even before he'd sat back down.

"No shot glasses? My man!" Tino laughed and lightly punched his cousin's arm, snatching the bottle and taking a swig for himself.

"Look, if you're going to be disgusting," Eduard was saying, "just get it all out in one go so I can not listen. Then can we please have an adult conversation?"

"Oh I'll give you an adult conversation," Tino wiggled his eyebrows, "look, on the one hand I wanna just lie back and let the guy have his way with me, but on the other I also wanna dominate the fuck outta him, ya see my problem? Like, he's so big I just want to tie him up and boss him around but in a cute couple way."

Eduard just stared at his nails. "We spend too much time being alive. Like, as a species."

"Dude, he has muscles to spare, but he's not like some bodybuilder type. It actually looks nice and natural, like a majestic viking warrior, like those ones you'd see on the covers of… grown up books."

"Really? Everything you've said and you're going to censor 'erotica'?"

Tino shrugged. "It felt too sappy. Either way, he can pillage my asshole anytime he wants."

"You're so weird."

"So you're not gonna be surprised when I say I wanna spank Berwald up and-"

"What did I do to deserve this?" said Eduard, covering Tino's mouth; "seriously? Besides let myself get dragged into losing a tooth."

"I'm sorry about your tooth, okay Eddie?" said Tino for the tenth time in four days.

"It's okay, my man, I get that you're in love."

"Woah! Don't go throwing the 'L' word at me!" Tino seemed to recoil at that.

Eduard snorted. "You know the 'L' word can sense fear? Don't shy away from it."

"I have known the man for four days," Tino hissed, "I mean, technically longer, but we've only been friends four days."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Eduard sank back in the sofa, smiling the tiniest, but smuggest smile; "I mean, you don't even know if he likes you that way."

"That's what I'm scared of," sighed Tino, "what if he only sees me as a friend? And one of those embarrassing friends you regret talking to in the first place and are just annoying but you're stuck with them for a while."

"You mean like us? Except we're family so I'm stuck with you forever."

"Funny, Eddie. Look, what if I ask him out on a date and he gets creeped out?" Tino buried his face in his hands, "what if things get awkward? Like, permanently so, and never go back to normal. What if we stop speaking and I never get to see that gorgeous man again?"

"What if he says yes, though?" asked Eduard, surprisingly earnest.

Tino gave a whine. "Oh my, that would be incredible."

"And then you could get together and either be with this man for the rest of your existence or break up horribly and get emotionally fucked and just feel like you've been stabbed in the stomach."

Tino almost threw his tray across the room. "For the last time, I'm sorry for punching you!"

"Well-" Eduard didn't get to finish that sentence due to a soft, but decisively firm, knock on the door.

"Oh fuck," Tino hissed, "it's Ms Vynnychenko!"

"How can you-"

"It's her, okay?"

As if to wonderfully prove his point, a soft, accented, voice called from outside: "Mr Väinämöinen?"

"I'm not here," Tino hissed to his cousin, burying his face in his hands, "pretend the place is empty."

"I know you're in there; I hear you every time."

"You have to answer for me," Tino pushed Eduard off the sofa, "tell her I've gone abroad for a month."

"To where?"

"I don't know, Germany? No wait," he grabbed Eduard's sleeve, "Morocco." Eduard moved towards the door but was stopped again- "no wait: Bolivia!"

"Whatever, just hide." He shrugged his cousin away, ambling over to the door with the resigned feeling of mild disappointment that always came whenever he had to cover Tino's tracks. At least this time there were no police involved, and he wouldn't have to bail Tino's drunk butt out of jail. He opened the door with a feeling of dread.

Ms Vynnychenko defied all his expectations with a glance. He'd assumed her to be an elderly, stern little thing, all wrinkles and glares and maybe a granny scarf too, someone who could certainly terrify Tino. He'd fight the toughest, meanest looking guy in the world but old ladies scared him, for some reason. The guy was weird and Eduard had long stopped questioning it.

Ms Vynnychenko, however, was, well, perfect by all accounts. Apart from being a landlady, of course. She was slightly taller than him, shoulders relaxed and welcoming under a warm yellow jumper, and her concerned expression couldn't keep back a smile: polite and controlled, but inviting all the same. Her hair was short and bouncy, and looked so soft Eduard had to restrain himself from reaching out and brushing his fingers through her fringe. "You are not Mr Väinämöinen," her eyes were a dazzling blue, kind but with a sternness Eduard didn't want to cross - not that he had any desire to do such a thing. They were wide and confused here though, face one of suspicion.

"No, I'm his cousin," Eduard hoped his hair wasn't out of place, or that his glasses weren't wonky. "Tino's gone out."

"I can tell," Ms Vynnychenko glanced past him, "he just jumped out the window."

"He's going to Bolivia," replied Eduard simply.

"Oh. I hope he has fun. When will Mr Väinämöinen be back?"

Eduard shrugged. "Tonight maybe. He might've forgotten his keys, and passport, again so expect him to check in for a spare pair."

"I see. Well, I will have words with him then, I suppose."

"I can pass on a message, if you want;" anything to keep her here and talking, even for a little while, and even if it meant secondhand embarrassment from his dumb fucking family.

"Oh I have no wish to," Ms Vynnychenko seemed to struggle to find the correct phrase for a moment, flapping her hands slightly, "throw about a person's dirty washing."

"It's okay. I know he screams in the shower- he does it at my place too." At least, Eduard had to assume it was a noise complaint.

"It is the loud music too," the landlady mumbled with some reluctance.

"I will talk to him about headphones." Again.

"Thank you, Mr-"

He flashed a dazzling smile. "Call me Eduard. Eduard Mets."

"Katya. Nice to meet you, Mr Eduard." Her smile fell. "Oh, your tooth. What happened?"

Tino. Tino Väinämöinen happened. "I was out moshing." Technically true, but Eduard had no idea why he was bragging about it; he didn't actually like moshing. For added effect, he leaned against the doorframe. Unfortunately - as was often the case with Eduard - he miscalculated his lean and almost went tumbling off to the side; he straightened himself up with a blush. He was too gangly to be a person.

"Oh, moshing?" Katya couldn't help a smile, and Eduard took that to be encouraging.

"Yeah, I was at a concert, for an underground metal band you probably never heard of, they're very… not mainstream." Whatever the word was.

"Sounds very fascinating." Okay, she wasn't interested in what was actually Tino's hobby. Good to know. Why did Eduard even go down that route in the first place? Did Katya look like a metalhead? No. No she didn't.

It was Katya who broke the awkward silence that followed. "Anyway, please pass on the message to Mr Väinämöinen. I should get going now." But when she turned to leave, Eduard gave the oddest choking noise.

"Urm," he spluttered, "if you have nothing to do, would you like to get a coffee with me?"

"That would be lovely," she did genuinely seem disappointed, "but I do have some other things..."

"Five minutes," he tried, "I'm sure you have a stressful job and you deserve a little relax." He'd be stressed if Tino was his tenant. Well, Tino was his cousin and he was still stressed.

Katya smiled warmly. "You know what? That sounds nice, actually."

Edit: Reading through this again a few years later, I'd just like to apologise to both fans of APH Ukraine and this fic for making her a fucking landlady. Just... ew. I'd change it, but that would involve rewriting this chapter and how her and Ed meet extensively.