Okay, if anyone hasn't seen the update I put on The Third Option, here's the TL;DR: I'm largely out of the fandom and have been writing a novel for the past 3 years. In between original work, I've decided to carry on with fics as writing practice, and because I miss these stories.

Also I didn't know how to finish this chapter so there's a sex scene at the end. Be prepared for that.

Eduard raked at his hair until he was almost satisfied. There wasn't much he could do with a bowl-cut, though, and nothing he tried looked good enough. At least his shirt was nice, he supposed. Royal blue suited him. People said he wore too much blue, but he liked the colour. And anyway, some of his clothes were grey.

It would be a lot easier to get ready if Tino wasn't constantly nudging him in the ribs. He caught Eduard in the stomach, and Eduard folded like a garden chair.

"Will you get away from me?" Eduard moved away from the mirror. "Why did you come over?"

"To help you, Eddie. I mean, this could be a special night for you?"

Eduard raised his eyebrow. "How?"

"Third date, you know what that means?"

"I can fart in front of her?"

Tino looked at him. Then he made a series of gestures. Eduard blushed furiously.

"It's a bit soon for that!"

"Hey, man, I respect that. It's just funny how repressed you are about these things."

"I'm not repressed," Eduard huffed, "I'm just- well, yeah. I'm repressed. But you know my parents. You know who raised me."

Tino hugged him. "Yeah, I know." There was introverted, then there was Estonian, and then there was Eduard's parents. They had never hugged their son; the closest his father had come to hugging him was a handshake. "Still, you're away from them, and can do what you want. I know that doesn't fix anything, but…"

"Thanks, Tino," Eduard hugged back gently.

"I can't believe you're dating a landlord, though." He said "landlord" like it was the most disgusting thing to ever leave his mouth. "And my landlord of all people. You think your lack of charisma is going to protect me from getting evicted?"

"Pay your rent on time."

""Pay your rent on time"," he mimicked, making a jerking-off motion, "fucking bootlicker. What if she raises the rent for no reason? What if she decides to kick me out in favour of another tenant? I'd have to move in with you!"

Eduard made a face. "You will not."

"Okay, so keep her happy for me." He smacked Eduard's ass.

"I- shut up!" Eduard buried his face in his hands. "I'm not talking about my sex life with you."

"Nothing to talk about anyway."

"Exactly. No, wait. Look, I just don't want to talk about it. Or think about it when you're here. Whatever Katya and I do together, I am taking to the grave."

Tino raised his hands. "Okay, I accept that. I will not pry."

Eduard exhaled. "Thank you."

"Let's hope you have enough time for your face to return to its normal colour."

"Am I very red?"

"Yes. I can almost see the steam coming off you."

Eduard blushed harder. "No! She's going to see! She's going to realise I'm a nerd!"

"She hasn't figured that out already? Typical dumbass landlord," Tino scoffed. Eduard ignored him and ducked into his bathroom. He splashed cold water on his face, but it did little to help. He knew the moment Katya so much as touched his hand he'd flare up again, but he'd at least like to start the date his normal colour.

Tino followed him in, like a needy cat. "Hey, Ed, you okay?"

"No," he sighed, "I'm so scared of messing this up."

"You're not gonna mess this up." Tino led Eduard out of the bathroom and sat him down on the sofa, rubbing his shoulders. "Hey, it's going to be okay. Katya knows you're a dorkass nerd and she still likes you. You'll be fine."

Eduard made a face.

"You're a good guy! You're smart, you're funny, you have great hands and a beautiful face. Anyone would be lucky to have you."

"You're just saying that."

"Not at all! I'd date you if we weren't related!"

Eduard gagged. "Too far."

"Sorry. Look, I believe in you, and your charm. You gotta stop thinking you need to be this smooth gigachad and just be yourself. She likes you, awkwardness and all."

Eduard didn't speak for a long while, looking at Tino suspiciously. "You think so?" he eventually asked.

"I know so. Now go have a great date!"

It wasn't like Eduard to wander aimlessly around town. He had a specific route he took every time, to his favourite shops, and he didn't like to deviate. It made him nervous when he didn't stick to his routine. He was doing so for Katya, but that didn't mean he was happy about it. Katya seemed to be having a good time, though, pointing at whatever shops she wanted to go in and just going in them, no plan at all. Eduard marvelled at her.

She stopped at a bookshop and looked at him. "Fancy a look?"

"Oh, go on then. I could do with more books." Unlike a lot of people, he'd actually read most of the books he'd bought. It was the closest he came to being a functional human being.

"What books do you like?" asked Katya, holding the door open for him.

He shrugged. "Mainly sci-fi and horror."

"I've not read much of that, but my sister likes horror. I watched Alien once," Katya tried, "that's both horror and sci-fi, right?"

Eduard squeaked. "I love Alien! Well, I love the first two films and pretend the rest don't exist."

"I've never seen more than one. The idea of being trapped in space scares me."

Eduard nodded. "I get it. Even with a haunted house or forest, part of me is just… if I was there I would simply jump out the window and leave. Can't do that in space. Even if there's a lifeboat on the ship, the Alien is gonna know and be there and then you're just trapped on a smaller ship."

"It's why I'll never travel on a submarine," Katya added, "same problem. I don't need to know what's at the bottom of the ocean." She paused. "So, if I was to be very brave and watch the whole series, only bother with the first two films?"

"And Alien: Isolation, if you watch Let's Plays. I like Alien: Isolation, the game not the novelisation." He scanned the horror section, and right at the top were novelisations of various Alien films, along with Alien: Isolation. He made a face. "I hate that book."

Katya looked at him curiously. "Really?"

"The guy writing it didn't even play the game! He just watched the cutscenes. The thing is full of errors, and not even lore errors, because I know I get nit-picky about those, but there's basic writing and spelling errors too. Continuity is unheard of in that piece of trash. English is my fourth language and I could do better!" He breathed. "Sorry, I just get really passionate about sci-fi. Don't get me started on the Star Wars Prequels." He reeled himself in before he could start on anything Star Wars. He was not a violent man, or a physically strong one, but he would beat Jar Jar Binks to death with his bare hands.

"Oh wow." Katya stared at him for a long moment before giggling. "I think that's the most I've heard you talk."

Eduard blushed. "Oh. I'm sorry."

"Don't be, it's nice listening to you. Are there many things you can talk about?"

He shrugged. "Birds, maybe. I like birdwatching. And singing."

"You really should join our choir." Katya smiled at him. "And what kind of birds?"

"Song birds." Now Eduard was torn between wanting to talk about birds, and not wanting to scare Katya off with another ramble. But if he kept his answers too short, she might think he didn't want to talk to her. But as he racked his brains for specific birds, the only ones that came to mind were tits. Blue tits, crested tits, great tits, marsh tits, coal tits, Katya's tits. He started sweating. Interacting with people was hard. "What books do you like?" he tried instead.

"History, poetry, a bit of romance now and again. Especially if there's a bigger lady on the cover, then I get all warm inside and have to read it. Sometimes they're weird and gross, but sometimes they're really good and just what I needed!"

"I hope you find lots of romances with bigger ladies on the cover." Eduard squeezed her hand. "With the best plot and love interest."

Katya smiled and averted her eyes. "Thank you. I feel like I'm in a romance novel now, and not one of the toxic ones either."

"That's good to know. I've never read romance but this feels better than anything I've read in a book, but again that's because I mostly read horror. Anyway! My heart goes all weird when I see you, and not just in an anxiety way."

Katya smiled and kissed his cheek.

When they passed an adult shop on one of the side streets, Eduard averted his eyes quickly. His face burned. He didn't know why, but even looking at a place like that made him feel guilty. Anything related to sexuality was repressed, squashed deep down to make room for the guilt. Was it his upbringing? Maybe he was just born that way. Katya glanced his way and blushed. "Want to pick something out for later?" She nudged him.

Eduard lost the ability to function. His mind short-circuited and all he could manage to get out was a squeak. Looking at lingerie with Katya? Thinking about Katya… in lace and stockings and suspenders? If he popped a boner in public he was going to drown himself in the sea.

Katya laughed and dragged him inside. Eduard tried not to look at the lingerie on display, but it was everywhere, on every shelf he looked. The mannequins staring at him also wore lingerie, things he'd never even seen in porn. He just stared at the ground until Katya shook his shoulder.

"Look, these are cute," Katya picked up a willy-shaped lollipop. Eduard didn't like that she considered a penis far bigger than his "cute". If that was the case then he was downright adorable.

"Yeah, cute..."

She put the lollipop back and they walked further into the shop, towards the sex toys. He saw the chastity belt and snorted; he just used his personality and anxiety to keep his chastity. Eduard wrinkled his nose at the cuffs and rope; even the idea of bondage had been ruined forever by Tino. He had no idea what a sex swing was, or even how to install one in his house. It sounded too much like DIY.

Even Katya was blushing by now. Eduard tried not to wonder which of them would look hotter sucking on a dildo, or using a vibrator. He eyed the strap-on, and Katya followed his gaze, a sly smile curling onto her face. "Oh, I didn't know you liked to play that way." She picked it up and weighed it like a prize marrow.

"Well, yes, but it might be a bit soon." He played with his hands. "I'd like to, maybe, possibly, do… stuff, including that, but…"

"We can save it for another day." Katya put the strap-on back. "Come on, let's go home." She took his hand, leading him out of the shop.

They went back to her house, so Eduard wouldn't have the anxiety of someone seeing where he lived. They could barely keep their hands to themselves in the car, and once Katya parked, Ed was there, squeezing her hand and pulling her close. Katya took the lead; it wasn't normally her style, but she figured it was the only way to get anywhere with Eduard. She kissed him, fumbling for her keys. They almost fell through the front door.

Katya's house was warm and inviting. The place was covered in rugs and throws, the kitchen decorated with colourful tiles and plates on the wall. The curtains were homemade and tied back with little pink ribbons. Eduard felt like he was in a grandma's house. He was glad that didn't turn him on even more than he already was, but it didn't exactly turn him off either.

"I'd offer you some coffee and cake, but I'd like to work up an appetite first," Katya hugged him from behind, her hands splayed across his shirt.

"You mean go upstairs or… something else?" Was he misreading everything? It wouldn't surprise him. What if he tried something and she got freaked out? He didn't want to scare her, or make her uncomfortable.

"Yes, upstairs, Eduard." He loved how she said his name.

They went upstairs in a blur of kisses and giggles. Their coats and shoes were abandoned somewhere along the way.

Katya's bedroom was just as warm, with a thick patchwork quilt over the bed and a collection of dolls in traditional clothing on a shelf. There was a bookshelf overflowing with Eastern European poetry, and Eduard made a note to check for any Estonian writers, mostly out of curiosity, and partly for gift inspiration.

Katya sat them both on the edge of her bed. Eduard froze. Did she expect him to do something? Katya affectionately rolled her eyes and leaned in for a kiss. Eduard, for once, took the hint and met her in the middle. He kissed her tenderly. Her lips were so soft. As they kissed, Eduard wondered what to do with his hands. Should he tenderly hold her face? Put his hands on her shoulders? Further south? They hovered in front of him, touching nothing. When Katya noticed, she smiled mischievously and took his hands, placing them on her hips.

"If they end up under my shirt at any point, that's okay."

Eduard nodded, but he doubted he would do something so bold. What if it was a test? And he'd fail if he touched her boobies. He hoped he didn't call them boobies out loud. He kept them on her hips, thumb circling the hem of her jumper. "Can I- would you like me to touch… you?"

She smiled. "Where? Where would you like to touch me?"

He swallowed. "Your…" Tits? Too sleazy. Breasts? Too formal. Badonkadonks? What was he? Twelve? "Boobs?"

"Considering you're the first guy I've been on a date with that has been able to drag his eyes away from them, I will let you touch my boobs."

"Can't do eye-contact," Eduard tried to explain, "I'm autistic." It was only after he said it that he realised that had nothing to do with anything she'd just said.

"Oh? You are? Wow, um, thank you for telling me." She pulled away slightly. "Is there anything I should know to make things easier?"

"I can't think of anything right now. Maybe try to avoid loud, sudden noises right in my ear? And lots of little touches can be a bit overwhelming, but please don't be afraid to touch me."

She nodded thoughtfully. "Do you like to stim?"

"Yeah, usually chewing stuff, but I have a few stim toys I use every now and again."

"Would you like to use my boobs to stim?"

He almost choked on a cough, but nodded. He snaked one hand under her shirt, trailing his fingers up along her tummy up to her bra. It fitted poorly, boob spilling out the edges.

"Here." Katya reached up her back and unhooked her bra in one simple motion. It fell away and she pulled both her jumper and the bra off.

"Oh, wowie!" Eduard mentally kicked himself. "Sorry, I'll just…" He squeezed her right boob, then her left for balance. He ran his thumb over the soft skin. "You have such great breasts," he told her. "They're so squishy."

"Thank you."

He started kneading them, letting his mind wander. How far were they going to go? He didn't have condoms. Did she? He reached down to kiss between her cleavage, then over her breasts, massaging them with his long fingers. Katya leaned her head back and groaned. He took the opportunity to kiss her neck, earning another groan. He was good at this! He was doing sex and not failing spectacularly! He pulled his mouth away before his mind wandered too far and he started chewing.

"Now," Katya ran a thumb over Eduard's lip, "you really seem like a gentleman who knows how to treat a lady."

Eduard's glasses steamed up. "Oh geez, do I?"

Katya kissed his cheek. "I'm thinking you do something for me, and I'll do something for you in return."

He frowned. "Like hide a body?"

Katya chuckled. "Or, perhaps, we, um, we go- go down on each other," she spluttered out.

"Oh, oh, yeah we could do that." He didn't know if he could handle being around a naked lady, but he could damn well try! He gently pushed her back onto the bed, then got on his knees. He left a trail of kisses down her belly, then took off her skirt, tights and knickers. Eduard took a moment to wonder at Katya's naked beauty before he leaned forward to plant more kisses, over her hips and across her thighs, taking his time and letting her get comfortable. Eduard ran a hand over her vulva and pubic area, then leaned down to lick at her soft, short pubes. He felt a bit like a cat grooming its friend. He tongue went down and down until he was licking between her folds.

Eduard had read enough internet tutorials to know - in theory - what he had to do here. He located the clitoris with ease, which was half the battle, and touched it gently. Then he began to rub. Katya nodded in approval, propping herself up on her elbows. "Good boy."

Eduard whimpered. That phrase could make him do anything, and he wasn't proud of it. He dived in with vigour, licking wherever he thought would be hot. He sucked and licked at her clit, sticking a finger inside her and pumping it lightly.

He listened to the noises Katya made, what he did to make her moan. When she yelped in pleasure, he licked her the same way until she was almost screaming. He drank from her as she came, her whole body shuddering. She wrapped her legs around his head, and he almost suffocated in her thighs. Oh well, he'd have died happy.

Katya fell limp, chest heaving. Once she'd caught her breath, she looked down at him. "Who's a good boy?" She put her hand on his head and stroked his hair.

"It's me!" He beamed.

She laughed. "It's you. Well, maybe I'll make you feel good too."

"You already do," he leaned forward and nuzzled her cheek.

"Aww, you're so sweet." She reached for his trousers, his cock already straining against them. When her hands brushed it, Eduard's breath hitched. She peeled his trousers and underwear away, throwing them to the floor. Katya took him in her hands, and Eduard moaned. He leaned forward to kiss her, letting Katya taste herself on his lips.

"If you keep touching me, I might just fall in love with you."

"Oh, well we wouldn't want that!" She bent down and flicked her tongue over his head. He bit down on his knuckle to stop himself moaning. He lay back on her big, comfy bed, letting himself sink into ecstasy and the quilt. She kissed his head, then wrapped her lips around him. She started slowly, gaining speed with each bob of her head. The sensation left him looking for something to do with his hands, before he became overwhelmed. He put them in her hair, tangling them in her sandy locks.

"Would you… would you like a finger?" She asked.

Eduard frowned. "Finger?"

"Up… you." She gestured. "Thought I should ask you before doing new things to you."

"Oh, thank you for asking. Yeah a finger sounds goot- gread- good!" Eduard liked dominant women, but he'd never pegged Katya as the type. Then again, he was so nervous, someone had to take charge. Katya seemed to have sensed that.

She stuck a pinkie finger inside him, and carried on pumping with her other hand. She took him in her mouth, tongue flat against his cock. When she looked up at him, Eduard gave her a thumbs-up. He then wondered why the fuck he just did that. Katya giggled, the vibrations felt amazing on his dick. He made a noise somewhere between a chuckle and a moan.

When he came, it was with a gasp. He bit his hand to ride the wave of pleasure. Katya looked up at him and smiled almost bashfully, wiping her mouth.

"Good?"

He nodded. That was way better than using his hand.

Katya beamed. "Great! Now, time for cake and coffee."

Yes I know this is the second side-pairing chapter that starts with half of the main pairing annoying their cousin before going out, but you have to remember this fic is being written by an idiot.