(December 9, 2009)
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Levi grimaced at the garland woven with twinkling lights lining the Westins' front door. It wasn't that he didn't like it, but it served as another reminder that Christmas lurked just around the corner. The last two years he'd been able to ignore it. Living on the streets didn't afford much in the way of thinking about anything beyond survival, which meant when he wasn't scavenging he could pretend Christmas didn't exist. He didn't have that luxury this year.
So instead he stomped inside and closed the door with more force than strictly necessary.
"Levi is that you?" Mrs. Erin's voice called from the kitchen.
"Yeah." Levi shoved his jacket in the closet. Taking a deep breath he tried to get his irritation in check before Mrs. Erin saw him. If she or Mr. Rick noticed that would lead to questions Levi did not want to get into. Better to bury it down, less to deal with. Face carefully neutral, Levi trailed toward the kitchen.
Mrs. Erin smiled as he came in. "How was school today?"
"Fine."
Snagging an apple off the counter in passing, Levi plopped his school bag on the table. He dug around and pulled out a homework folder. A zing of relief went through him when Mrs. Erin didn't ask any further questions. Math problems swam before his eyes. Grumbling, Levi narrowly avoided slamming his head on the table. 'What is wrong with me?'
"Levi? Can you move your stuff to make way for dinner?'
Levi jerked his head up, he hadn't even noticed Ms. Erin in the dining room until she'd spoken. A small curl of fear ingrained from two years of hypervigilance tightened within him. His edge was slipping. But did that mean he was letting his guard down? Or maybe just exhaustion taking a new form? Mrs. Erin cocked her head and Levi jerked into motion.
"Uh, yeah. Sorry." Cramming his papers into his backpack, Levi quickly backpedaled out of the room. He felt Mrs. Erin's eyes on him even as he retreated.
Tightening his grip on his school bag, Levi took a deep breath. Everything was fine. So why did his heart feel like the Dragon's were hiding around the corner? A sudden rumble ran through the house and Levi jumped. He mentally scolded himself when he recognized the sound a few seconds later; the garage door opening signifying Mr. Rick's arrival.
'Get a grip Levi.' Easier said than done. Easier than bearing another of Mrs. Erin's worried glances. Easier than ignoring other kids at school who ignored him right back. Easier then spending a real Christmas away from his real family.
Thick pressure built in Levi's throat. He swallowed hard against it. Feeling sorry for himself wouldn't help the situation.
Taking another deep breath, Levi dropped his backpack and glanced at the door. A few extra seconds would mean nothing when he sat down at the table. Might as well face the music.
Dragging his feet, Levi made his way back to the dining room. Sure enough Mr. Rick stood by the table talking to Mrs. Erin. They both stopped talking as soon as they saw Levi.
"Hey Levi, how was school today?"
"Fine." Levi shrugged. He sat in his regular seat and tried to ignore the looks being passed over his head.
"What was one new thing you learned?"
Levi tersely answered any questions the rest of the meal. When he finally didn't have anything left on his plate he opened his mouth to ask to be excused but Mr. Rick spoke first.
"Levi, did something happen at school today?"
Levi shook his head. "You seem to have a lot on your mind." Levi shifted in his chair, wishing he could have left already. "Is something bothering you?"
No, but yes. Levi didn't know how to put into words what he was feeling, and even if he did he didn't really want to bring it up to Mr. Rick and Ms. Erin. He slowly shook his head. Mr. Rick frowned slightly but chose not to press. "Alright. However, Mrs. Erin and I think it would still be good for you to see a counselor."
Levi flinched. "No thanks."
Mr. Rick sighed. "Mrs. Erin and I are concerned for you Levi. I understand if you don't want to tell us everything you experienced or are thinking but we feel it'd be good for you to talk to someone, even if it's just a couple times. With everything you've gone through in the last couple years . . . that'd be difficult for even an adult. Bottling everything inside can feel easier for the time being, but it doesn't make everything that happened go away."
That didn't mean Levi ever wanted to deal with it. And to tell anyone else about what happened . . . The true story would only get him locked up in the loony bin. "I don't- it's not going to change anything. And I don't- I don't want to talk to anyone about what happened. They-they might find me."
"Oh Levi." A chair squeaked loudly against the hard floor and Mrs. Erin suddenly appeared at Levi's side. She crouched so she could be eye level with him and took one of his hands in hers. "We're going to keep you safe. And if you don't feel safe talking to someone we'll try to figure something else out." She gave his hand another squeeze.
"Maybe . . ." Mrs. Erin and Levi looked at Mr. Rick, "what if you wrote down what you've been through and what you're thinking? I swear we won't read it, unless you have something in it to show us."
"You promise?" Levi whispered.
"Promise." Ms. Erin and Mr. Rick said simultaneously.
"That- that might be a good place to start."
"Tomorrow how about you and I stop after school and find a journal you like?"
"Sure."
Mrs. Erin squeezed his hand again and returned to her seat. "There is one other thing we've been wanting to ask. Christmas is only a couple weeks aways and we wanted to know if there's anything that would make the day more meaningful for you. Any traditions you'd like to continue, something you'd like or like to do?"
Levi's mouth went dry. "C-can I think about it?"
"Of course. We want you to enjoy this season and for it to be special for you too."
Nodding, Levi gripped the edges of his chair. "Do you mind if I go finish my homework now?"
"Sure sweetheart." Mrs. Erin gave him a sad smile.
Doing his best to avoid running, Levi scurried out of the dining room. While he did have homework to finish, Levi ignored his backpack in favor of flopping on his bed. What did Christmas mean to him? Especially now? Part of him wanted to go to sleep and wake up in January, the other part flared with cautious optimism.
Mrs. Erin and Mr. Rick had been pretty good to their word in the months he'd been there. Maybe writing out all the tangles in his mind would help . . . and maybe he could look forward to Christmas. 'I bet Brody isn't getting a Christmas.' Levi winced and the optimism puttered out in his chest. Was it fair for him to look forward to celebrations, lights, presents when who knew what life Brody now endured?
Levi curled up on his side, the ache in his chest threatening to split him open. Not for the first time, and he highly doubted for the last, Levi wished that stupid prism had never landed in his family's yard.
The next afternoon Levi slowly trailed behind Mrs. Erin in the local supermarket. He kept his head down to avoid all the glittering lights, but speakers blaring Christmas songs didn't let him forget the season. Only a few more minutes until he could pretend Christmas didn't exist.
"Ah here we are."
Levi looked up to see a wall of notebooks and journals staring back. The shelving unit towered over him and the wide variety made Levi step back a pace. His last non-school notebook had been scrounged out of a dumpster, this . . . there were too many choices. A hand landed on his shoulder and Levi jumped. He braced himself, only to realize it was just Mrs. Erin.
"Let's start with what color you want it to be."
That. He could do that. "Uh black, or yellow."
Erin hummed thoughtfully and ran her eyes along the shelves. "What about this one?" She pulled one down that had a highlighter yellow cover with an assortment of sports equipment on the front. Levi wrinkled his nose. "Guess that's a no. Here's another option . . ."
They continued sifting through journals until Levi found a black leather bound journal with gold accents. He hesitantly looked up at Ms. Erin.
She smiled. "Good choice. How about a couple new pens to go with it?"
It didn't take nearly as long to grab a two pack of black gel pens. Ms. Erin led Levi back towards the front and Levi felt a surge of relief that they weren't taking time to get other groceries. Even though he technically had a guardian now, being back in stores still made Levi hyper aware as to who might be paying any attention to him. Levi tightened his grip on the journal and pens. The sooner they were home- back at the house, the better.
Levi stayed quiet in line and on the car ride home. Rather than try to engage Levi in conversation, Mrs. Erin just hummed along with the radio. When they arrived back at the house Ms. Erin nodded at the shopping bag.
"Do you want to break that in while I get dinner going?"
"Uh, sure." To his surprise, Levi did actually want to.
He hurried the room he was using, and gently set the journal on the desk. The spine made a small cracking noise as Levi opened the book. Black lines stood out sharply against the brilliant white pages. Levi stared at the lines for a long minute. Was this a good idea? While he didn't necessarily think Mrs. Erin and Mr. Rick would break his trust by reading the book, some of what he went through he just couldn't let anyone know.
Well just because he would write didn't mean it had to be comprehensible. Or leave it out for anyone to stumble across.
I miss dad and Brody a lot. My head hurts a lot. I keep thinking one of THEM is going to get me. Either them. And now I'm around people. A lot. It's too noisy. I keep waiting for something to happen...
Levi shook his head. The sentences were almost nonsense even to himself. He didn't- he didn't even know how he felt, he just knew he was feeling something. And not being able to put a name to the chaos that swirled within him didn't help. Levi clenched his pen. This felt stupid, that he had a name for. But he put the pen to the paper again.
Ms. Erin and Mr. Rick were asking about Christmas stuff. Dad played guitar in the morning. And he'd have me and Brody help make the tree.
Beyond that Levi couldn't think of anything that might be considered traditions. His last Christmas with Brody and Dane had been three years ago. With him only being eight at that time, Levi didn't have too many Christmas' he could remember. A familiar burn crept into his throat but Levi shoved it down.
I sorta remember when mom was alive. She'd sing with dad, there were more lights I think. I'm kinda glad I missed Christmas last year. I didn't have to think.
But he'd also had too much time to think, being all alone. Lose-lose scenario.
Sighing, Levi set the pen down and shoved the journal under his mattress. That didn't help, but it did allow him to actually see his thoughts. Maybe he'd eventually know what to do with them.
.
.
(December 24, 2009)
.
Levi let out a long breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. The car engine rumbled quietly, a drastic difference than the twenty some family members of Mr. Rick who waved from Rick's parents' porch. They'd been nice enough but Levi only now fully relaxed for the first time today.
His eyes drifted to the bags stacked precariously around him in the car. Levi didn't know what he'd expected from the day, but it definitely hadn't been for the family to swarm him and more or less call him their own. Though, from his previous meeting of Mr. Rick's (and Mrs. Erin's) parents, maybe he shouldn't have been so surprised. It- it left a warm feeling in Levi's chest that he didn't know what to do with.
Growing up it had just been him, Brody, and Dane. His grandparents had all passed away when he was young and neither Dane or Elena came from large families. The sheer number of people coming up to Levi telling him to call them Aunt/Uncle/Cousin . . . Levi found himself really, really wanting to.
And he didn't know what to do with that.
His musings were cut short when they arrived back at the house. Carefully he helped bring in the various pages and packages, setting his own aside to take them to his- the room he was using after everything'd been brought in. As he did he saw Mr. Rick and Mrs. Erin give each other a look when they thought he wasn't paying attention to them. Levi involuntarily stiffened. What did that mean? Pretending he hadn't noticed, Levi started to pick up his items when Ms. Erin spoke.
"Hey Levi, do you mind coming into the living room with Mr. Rick and me for a minute?"
Ignoring the way his heart thudded, Levi nodded stiffly and followed them to the room. A soft multi-colored glow came from the Christmas tree in the corner, sporting its own assortment of presents underneath, waiting until the next day to be unwrapped. Levi sat on a chair, his legs tensing to run as his body tipped further into fight or flight.
Mrs. Erin seemed to notice. "One of our family traditions is to open a gift on Christmas Eve," her words poured out quickly, "and we wanted to continue that with you now too."
'Oh.' Levi felt heat rush to his cheeks. That's what this was about?
"And the gift we wanted to give you, we uh, wanted to give when it was just the three of us." Mr. Rick added.
Levi cocked his head. Tomorrow Mrs. Erin's parents and siblings were coming there for Christmas stuff, but what kind of present would warrant such a disclaimer?
"We, well, we weren't sure how you'd feel about it." Ms. Erin walked over to the tree and picked up a medium sized package. Gently she handed it to Levi, and passed another small box to Mr. Rick that she must have also grabbed.
The parcel squished in his hands, likely containing clothing. That only added to Levi's confusion. He looked up at Mrs. Erin, who nodded toward the package.
"Go ahead."
Levi couldn't deny the spark of excitement, and trepidation, running through him as he tore through the paper. He stopped and stared at its contents, suddenly realizing the why behind Mrs. Erin and Mr. Rick's weird words.
A pristine white gi lay on his lap. Levi's breath caught and tremors suddenly wracked his body.
"Levi, hey, honey. Can you hear me?" Levi blinked hard. When had Mrs. Erin gotten in front of him? "Sorry, we should have warned you rather than just springing it on you-"
"What-?" Levi's voice cracked. "What-?" He couldn't get out the words but they seemed to know what he was trying to say.
"Between what you've told us and what we know of your father, we've gathered that martial arts were- are - very important to you." Mrs. Erin said, a little hesitantly, and placed a hand on Levi's currently clenching the fabric. "When you first moved in we were a little more concerned with giving you time to adjust and getting back to full strength-"
-Levi grimaced. Two years of malnutrition hadn't been kind and, though he'd returned to a healthy weight, his stamina still wasn't what it used to be. -
"-and getting you used to school again. However, since you come so far along we thought- only if you want to!- we could enroll you in the local karate school. I know it's not quite how you were trained before, and it's different from ninjutsu, but if you wanted to start up again . . ." She trailed off.
"I- I-" Levi was supremely grateful they hadn't done this with everyone present. His eyes stung but Levi forced back the feeling. "Thank you." He finally managed. "I'd- I'd really like that."
Both Mrs. Erin and Mr. Rick relaxed and gave him kind smiles. Mrs. Erin stood and wrapped him in a hug. Levi leaned into it, fighting the rising tightness in his throat. Maybe Christmas with the Westins wasn't such a bad thing after all.