Michelle Hallam's Bedroom

January 17, 2000

11:00 AM

Gwen knew Michelle never had a problem asking probing questions about someone else's life, unless and until they told her not to. When you bounce around between US Army bases every few years, you have to be pretty forward to find out what's interesting with new friends and acquaintances. Waiting for info to come out just wastes time, and could take years. That was how she explained it to Gwen.

Gwen had never said her life was off limits, more specifically not about her life and how it tangled up with her cousin's. So on a rare day off from school when she didn't hang out with said cousin, she knew Michelle was going to be very forward with questions. Especially after the birthday party. She had no clue how she would answer, though.

"So how did karate go last week?" she asked Gwen, trying to sound casual when they walked into her room.

Gwen knew that tone, and was properly guarded with her reply. "They were OK for the first ones in almost four weeks. Everyone was a little off speed at first. Sensei wasn't thrilled, but he didn't chew us out hard, either."

"But that's not what you're really asking about, are you?"

"No, but I'm just warming up. Fine. How was it with your cousin there?" She spat out the word like it tasted bad. Gwen couldn't help wonder if that's what she really thought.

"Gee, 'Chelle, could you put a little more poison on that? You don't talk about Sean and Flint that nasty." Gwen said it with a short laugh, but she didn't like anyone talking like that about Ben. Even now. Michelle knew it, but she seemed on a mission to go somewhere with this, from the look on her face.

"That's because those two are already in juvie. Look, you know what I'm talking about, don't change the subject. Are you OK?" The look on her face shifted from moderate distaste to concern. "You've been pretty much out of it this week."

Gwen sighed. "Ben and I got along fine at karate. In fact, I went to his house to hang out after the Friday class."

"What!? Why would you do that, Crazy Girl? Needed to get another snowball in your hair? After the way he treated you, you should have kicked his butt!"

"Why would you say that?! You've only been around Ben twice now and you want me to wail on him! I told you we had a really fun snowball fight on Christmas Eve. I think maybe he was trying to remind me of that, in his numbskull way." The last bit was almost thinking out loud, but Gwen followed up with a smirk. "Besides, who says I didn't? Kick his butt."

"There's my ninja warrior! Come on, out with it!" Michelle crowed.

"I'll admit, Wednesday could have been better. We were both a little skittish - don't roll your eyes at me! - and Sensei got mad because we were pulling punches with each other. That can be dangerous so we had to apologize for it. On Friday, Ben was still being cautious, and I put him on the mat. Twice. He got over it after that." Gwen grinned a little. She didn't want to hurt him, but he had to learn, too. Sensei expected his rules to be followed.

Michelle smiled at that. "Way to go!" she said, with a little too much force.

Gwen's face fell at Michelle's overly enthusiastic response. "Do you really not like him?"

Michelle lost her smile like that. "It's not that I don't like him. Like you said, I've only met him once, really. But between that and your birthday I have to say, yeah, he could treat you better. What made him do that anyway? You seemed happy together when we got out for Christmas break. There were good reasons why I thought he was your boyfriend at first! It's not like you give away full body hugs to just anyone! Then you two have this amazing time at Christmas, and you blew me off for New Year's so you could spend it with him. Don't look at me like that, you so did!"

Gwen tried to get in "I didn't blow..." but got cut off.

"So what happened between New Year's and your birthday? Did he try to kiss you or something?" She said the last sentence with a laugh.

It was supposed to be a joke, Gwen knew that, but she looked away as she felt her face turn beet red! Michelle gasped "He tried?!" If anything Gwen felt her cheeks burn hotter, something she would have thought impossible, and Michelle blurted out "Did he?"

Michelle's look was the last straw.

Gwen had been stressed by so many things in just a week. School starting up with the whispers and strange looks in the halls, their birthday where every girl in her class saw his stunt and the aftermath, five days of ignoring him, five days of dodging questions from her parents about why she was, hearing that Grandpa wouldn't be home for New Years and then their birthdays for the first time ever. Six days of not talking to or spending any time with him. A morning doing her best to avoid even looking at him in his own house.

After waking up in the same bed with him, cuddled close together with her head against his chest. The morning after the night he kissed her.

The whole time struggling to make sense of that kiss! What did it mean to him? What did it mean to her? After a week of agonizing over it, she still hadn't sorted it out. No subject at school ever took this long to understand.

Seeing him at karate and getting reprimanded by Sensei for not paying attention in class because she couldn't stop paying attention to him, but doing her best to keep him from noticing.

Missing him so much every day that she ached. All the time. She wanted to make it stop, but she couldn't figure out how.

Finally going to his house again, not knowing what to expect and hating that feeling. Getting an overwhelming dose of unexpected raw emotion, his and hers, when all she wanted was to go back to the happy time he played his guitar for her a few months ago. It wasn't like the night was all stress, they had a good time, too, but that just added to the roller coaster her life felt like.

Her emotions felt brittle and ragged all week, but she was keeping them together, under control. Except for the times she woke up in a sweat at night alone, missing him even more because her Doofus wasn't there, or the times the nightmares came back. Then crying into her pillow so no one could hear and ask questions she didn't know how to answer.

And then her best friend made a silly joke that turned out to be right.

The pain, the unfairness of it all hit her with such force that it crushed her, making her fall to the floor next to the bed, hug her knees to her chest, and cry.

Michelle's reaction was quick and protective, she rushed to Gwen's side and swallowed her up in a tight hug, her voice soft "Ssshh, you're OK, it'll be all right." She let Gwen cry it out, and when the sobs started to slow down she asked fiercely "Did he hurt you?"

Gwen pushed away and almost shouted "Michelle! No! My Doofus would never! How can you even think that?!"

"I'm sorry Crazy Girl, but the way you're acting..." She apologized as she pulled Gwen back into the hug, and let her cry some more.

Gwen sniffled and pulled away again, and Michelle was ready with a box of tissues from her night stand.

"I can't imagine what started that, Crazy, but it's obviously something you can't keep bottled up. You haven't been right since we went to the convention. Come on, you can tell me. Spill."

She had the urge to tell Michelle everything about her and Ben's lives, as much as she could anyway, like she had wanted to for months. Keeping it all inside was killing her, and she needed to tell someone. If she couldn't trust her best friend, what was left? Michelle was looking at her with a worried expression. For a second, she looked up and almost did.

Finally, though, she knew she couldn't, and she let her face drop back down to her knees. If she started, tried to only talk about the kiss and the last week, she wouldn't be able to stop without all of the last two years coming out. And that train wreck would be a catastrophe for Grandpa, their families, even Michelle. And especially for her and her Doofus, she just knew they'd be kept apart for real. And that pain would be unbearable.

So she took a couple tissues from the box Michelle was holding, and sniffled and wiped her cheeks, and put on the fake smile she learned from her mother she knew both Ben and Michelle hated. "Sorry for being over dramatic, 'Chelle. I'm not sure what started that either. I guess a combination of not getting enough sleep lately, and being pissed off at Ben still." She smiled weakly, looking away. That wasn't entirely a lie, but she knew it was a lame excuse. It was all she had.

Michelle knew it, too, and Gwen saw a flash of hurt mix with the worry in her eyes, but she just said "If you say so, Crazy Girl. Maybe when you get a better handle on it you can tell me. You know you can, any time, right?"

Gwen just gave her a glomp hug and said softly "I know. Thanks."

Note:

This chapter was way longer when I first jotted it down, Gwen took advantage of the opportunity to unload a bit. So much so that she may have said a bit too much, and Michelle was properly scandalized. Chapter 30 made it OBE, so I adapted to stay in sync. I'm thinking I may post the first attempt, though, I kind of liked it.