Notes: One more itch that I couldn't leave well enough alone. I didn't even plan this, it just popped out while I was trying to finish the last few chapters. Now that the kids are together, what was the drive home like?

Update: I just noticed the attachment titles at the end of the chapter got munged. This is just to put them back. Oops...

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Rust Bucket 2

On the road between the lake and Gwen's house

July 26, 2000

While Max was driving back to Gwen's house, he kept an eye on the rear view mirror to see how his grandchildren were getting along. Spectacularly could be seen as an understatement, given recent events. Where during the drive to the lake they sat in silence opposite each other (but at least they did that, instead of the self-isolation they had been suffering through), on the drive home they were in no mood to stay apart. They were still at the table, sitting... not even side by side, like they used to, but in the space normally taken up by one. Ben had gotten in first, leaning against the side of the RV's window, with Gwen right behind, using him as a body pillow. Her head was against his chest, and both had their arms wrapped around each other; if it hadn't been for Ben's green jacket, it would be hard to tell which arm belonged to which kid. To his relief (he still shuddered a little at the memory of catching them only an hour or so ago) Max only caught them in full lip lock kissing a couple times, and the times they just pecked at each other - on the cheek, the top of her head, his left wrist - could be taken as casual affection. Until he remembered who he was looking at, and their not so distant history of barely tolerating each other. This could get tricky when they got home.

He had accepted their feelings for each other, rather reluctantly after the star gazing kiss (what stars they actually saw - the ones in the sky or the ones swirling around their heads - was open for debate), and reflecting on his sister's words immediately afterwards.

It was heartbreaking to see the aftermath of their trauma in Phoenix and Kryptos. Although he didn't understand their self imposed distance, he could see the effects on the trip back to Earth and then Bellwood. If they had only taken refuge in each other, like they had from earlier episodes, they might have been able to recover quicker from this one. For whatever reasons, though, they cut each other off from the only person who could truly understand.

Even he was essentially made off limits to them. After they got home, their parents unloaded several days of fear, worry, and anger; his sons and daughters-in-law had taken turns furiously cussing him out. Bad enough by itself, even if partly warranted. But they did with the kids standing in the driveway listening, wrapping their arms around themselves and staring at the ground, withdrawing further into themselves with each insult and angry word. He understood where it came from and why, and had been prepared to take it. But the message his grandchildren got was clear - Grandpa was not trustable, to talk to or even be around. So they had no one (their parents just weren't on option) to unload on, to listen to them, to just be with them as they tried to make their twelve years of life cope with the after effects of the attacks that would make hardened combat veterans curl up into a ball.

He got updates on how they were doing, though, and the picture his boys described made him want to weep. They were desperately hiding - from the world, their parents, their friends (but hearing how both did spend time with at least one was a hopeful sign). But mostly each other, and the physical toll was building as much as the emotional one; both of his grandchildren had lost weight and had dark patches under their eyes, and both had the same shellshocked thousand yard stare when he picked them up. A week or so ago their parents came to the conclusion the kids needed each other to get through this, but Max knew they didn't understand just how much.

Which is what finally pushed him to come to grips with what they felt about each other. What they apparently just sorted out, or had started to, at least; their kissing wasn't about just surging hormones and pawing at each other. They finally accepted their need, and the depth of their affection was evidently well beyond just that. As young as they were, Max saw the beginnings of what he and his Starshine felt for each other - the caring way they looked at each other; they way they held each other up, literally and figuratively; the way just being together - laughing, angry, scared, teasing, happy - made them better. Who was he to take that away from them?

Today was a good day for his grandkids - what an understatement that was! - and he was relieved as much as he was happy for them. Every day wouldn't be like this, though; happy as they were now, they were in for some more difficult times. He resolved to help them with those when they came. Just, please, not like the last month had been!

Max sighed to himself and looked back one more time as he drove into Gwen's neighborhood. They were still curled up together, not talking much and not really aware of anything but each other, judging from the (finally!) peaceful and content looks both had. It made him smile.

Still. As relieved as he reckoned their parents would be at their dramatic change, and seeing them acting more normal with each other again, how much and what kind of interactions they indulged in could become a problem of its own. Would, if he was reading the situation correctly. Need to pump the brakes a little, he thought, figuratively and literally - Max pulled the RV to the curb in front of Frank and Lili's house and shifted his new Old Girl into Park.

As he walked back to the the dining booth, Gwen and Ben nervously disentangled themselves, and they both slid out with shy smiles so endearing he shook his head and laughed. Then he gave them a serious but not severe look.

"Just... Remember what I said at the lake." was all they needed.

— B —

Ben opened his eyes and looked down (that brought a small grin to his face, how often did he get to do that to her?) to see the soft mass of flaming red hair that smelled faintly of, what was it today? Vanilla, strawberry, lavender?... her latest shampoo scent, combined with a little fresh grass and whatever else that made it her. He felt her pressed against him all over, their arms around each other, her head against his chest, rising and falling with his breathing almost in synch with how his arms moved when her ribs did. All in a way he never imagined - not even close to the once-in-a-while hugs they shared before. Never imagined before today, and now unimaginable to not keep doing.

He was still more than a little overwhelmed. How the hell did this happen?

Not that he wanted it to stop! As far as Ben was concerned, they could stay like this and he'd be beyond happy! From the looks of it, and the little sigh he felt and heard from her, Gwen thought so too.

When he woke up this morning he felt as down as he had all summer so far, earning the 'Eeyore' nickname he hated from his Dad. Hated because he knew hiding from her was bringing everyone down along with him, because he knew that's what Paul was talking about when he said he wasn't OK. Hated because what his friend told him to do - just go see her - was what he wanted to do, but couldn't because how could she forgive him?

It was too much to ask. So he didn't, even when she came into the RV so scared to even be near him she wouldn't say anything. She sat across from him because she couldn't stand to be next to him like before, so he didn't look at her because he knew he was still hurting her just by being there.

And then they were walking next to a lake, as he tried to explain why he couldn't do karate any more, that he couldn't take the chance of hurting her, but if she wanted maybe they could see each other after soccer practice and her class...

Ben didn't really think she would agree, but he made a desperate try to fix his screw up. He was floored, literally, when her reply was to glomp him. He lost track of the details about what happened after that, but he remembered feeling relief, guilt, surprise, and happiness in between hugs, a tickle fight, and almost falling asleep in each other's arms. Oh, and Grandpa catching them in an incredibly compromising situation! He definitely remembered kissing her, though, a lot, way more than the one under the stars, and her kissing him back, and knowing it meant he hadn't lost her after all! His best friend, his Dweeb was back again, and he wasn't going to lose her a third time.

Only she was so much more than a friend. They went back to being best friends after January when they rediscovered (well, she did, anyway; he always knew) they liked being with each other, whether it was heroing, or doing karate, or just hanging out. Even homework, truth be told. But he knew there was more to it when he watched her hurt from her nightmares, and it pained him almost as much because he couldn't make them go away. He knew when he looked at her on their dinner date and saw she was more than pretty. Just like that lumbering ox she pasted at the tournament, and Paul for that matter, who thought she was hot - they weren't wrong! He realized he liked hugging and touching each other because it felt good; and how she had been checking him out after dumping the water bottle on him on the first day of school. That was only fair, as he returned the favor more than once when he thought she wouldn't notice.

Best friend wasn't nearly enough to cover all that, and more. Ben wasn't good with words, especially for this new situation they were in; one popped into his mind, but he wasn't ready to think about it and he pushed it back down. For now, Dweeb was still the best.

— G —

"Doofus?" It was less a question than a way to get his attention. Gwen smiled to herself at how the meaning of that word changed over the years; from when it was almost meant to hurt, to the trigger for that awful (yet in some ways not) Christmas, to thinking of him as her best friend in a way that was more but didn't compete with Michelle. Now she was even less able to say what it meant exactly, but it was still the best word to describe him.

"Hmn? Yeah, Dweeb?" She heard the same feeling in that word, knowing it was true.

"You didn't fall asleep on me, did you?" Because the easy rhythm of his breathing and the way they were wrapped together, all warm and comfy, had almost done her in. Not that she would admit it.

"As if! And for the record, you're on me." Ben snorted softly. Him either. The game was still on, it had just changed. Some. OK, a lot! She felt him adjust his arms and squeeze just a little tighter for a second.

"You know we can't do this around anyone but Grandpa."

Kissing, even on the cheek, was right out! Holding hands, touches on the arm or shoulder, sitting together and leaning on each other - they had done done these things before the trip, so they could do them again. Once in a while. They weren't really enough anymore, but they would do.

She could feel his eye roll. "Yeah, I know" he sighed. "And not too much with him, either. He looked like he was gonna have a heart attack back there for a second. ... I'm not as dumb as people say I am." She heard the grin in his voice.

Gwen smacked his chest lightly and snorted back. "That's not what I meant and you know it! ... We just need to do like he said for a while." No telling how long 'a while' will be. She knew he was thinking the same thing. She snuggled against him and closed her eyes. Take advantage of the opportunities when they come.

When Grandpa parked in front of her house, they both sighed reluctantly and got up, feeling embarrassed and not at the same time as Grandpa walked back, looking at them in a way he never did before. She watched Ben smile at Grandpa's laugh just like she was, and nod when the man repeated his warning before he opened the door and walked out.

They caught each other's eyes one last time before going out the side door, and Ben gathered her into a hug and softly kissed her again. "Ready, Cootie Queen?" he asked, pulling back with a smile. "As much as you are, Doofus!" Gwen returned it, took his hand and squeezed it one last time before letting go and turning to step down. They were finally home from Aunt Vera's, and they were OK.

— X —

Gwen's bedroom

11:15 PM

After getting ready for bed, Gwen fell back on it, tired but happy in a way she had been afraid she might never be again. She still felt good, even after Ben and her aunt and uncle left.

She had turned her radio on, volume low enough that it was really just background noise. Even so, it was so much better than the oppressive silence she had almost gotten used to over the last few weeks. The song that was playing forced its way out of the background, and a small smile spread over her face as she listened closer to All For You, a song forgotten on her playlist. It made her think of her Doofus. Funny how the tune affected her now - not like how similar music devastated her only a couple days ago...

Gwen recognized the song with a gasp a second or two after they entered the shop. It was one he learned for her, and insisted wasn't a message when he played it. Maybe not then, but now the words were an accusation.

Though the air speaks of all we'll never be

You won't trouble me

It was almost over, thankfully - even the ending was almost too much to deal with. The memories of when he played it were bittersweet - she always felt special watching him play; she couldn't have imagined that would ever stop.

She was saved by the DJ's mindless jabbering.

"That was All I Want, from a band out of Santa Barbara called Toad the Wet Sprocket, who took the name from a Monty Python skit!It may be a strange name, but they got that song into the top 20 in 1991 so they were doing something right!

Next up is a song from the Goo Goo Dolls, who'll be in Sacramento in a month as part of their latest tour, then heading north with dates in Portland and Vancouver before heading to Hawaii and Australia just in time for spring Down Under! This is Iris..."

The melody was catchy and the volume a touch too loud, impossible to ignore. Unlike other songs, the lyrics were easy to understand, especially as they repeated over and over. She stood and listened, frozen, arms crossed over her stomach, and made it to the bridge before she couldn't listen any more.

And I don't want the world to see me

Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

It shouldn't have gotten to her, it wasn't that kind of song, but something about it made her emotions flood free. Gwen turned before Michelle even knew there was a problem and fled out the door, around the side of the building to escape the music and the hurt. She collapsed against the wall, hugging her knees and sobbing.

She hadn't even talked to him for a month, let alone been together. She felt like they didn't know each other at all anymore. How did it all go so wrong?

Michelle appeared next to her almost in a panic herself. "Gwen? What's wrong?"

Gwen could only whisper "He's gone" between sobs. "He's gone, and I miss him..."

It was hard to believe that day was real now. Because of him, her Doofus, she wasn't alone, like she had been when she woke up that morning. She still could hardly believe how they changed in an afternoon, and how much she was looking forward to tomorrow! Before she could go to sleep, though, she needed to do something.

She sat up cross-legged and adjusted the sheet over her lap, staring at the too-long-dormant flip phone on her nightstand. After a long minute of lingering doubt that she knew was irrational but there anyway, she picked it up and shook her head. "Just send it" she said softly, and thumbed out a short text, adding an attachment.

Gwen 11:17 PM Hey Doofus [Attached file: all-for-you]

She waited nervously for a reply, and took a deep breath when her phone pinged a few minutes later.

Ben 11:23 PM Get some sleep Dweeb See you tomorrow [Attached file: thinking-of-you]

"Good night, Doofus!" she whispered, her relief magnified by the same warm, happy feeling she had on the drive home.

Gwen hit the 'Play' control, pulled the covers up to her neck and listened for half a minute, then smiled while the tune continued as she drifted off. She could still feel his lips on hers, and him holding her on the way home. Just like when she fell asleep in his arms on New Year's. For the first time since January, she knew the nightmares wouldn't come tonight, and sleep came as a welcome friend.

— X —

Ben's bedroom

11:15 PM

The radio on his nightstand was playing the usual unremarkable pop-rock when he went to brush his teeth. Now, though, he heard a pretty cool, driving mix of lead and rhythm guitars, bass and drums (and violins, too - when did that become a thing?) spilling from his room as he walked from the bathroom down the hall. The vibrant sound of the guitars playing the chorus caught his attention and he found himself not-quite-dancing to the beat as the corners of his mouth curled up into a small grin. He cringed by reflex, though, when he made out the tag line in the lyrics from the harmonies as he went into his room and closed the door...

I'm crazy for this girl...

This was definitely not his normal taste in music! Still, the guitar riffs would be fun to play.

It wasn't all that long ago lyrics like that would have either been un-noticed background noise or something to dramatically gag at, and only yesterday they would have been punishingly mocking. Now, though, they and the music were as good a way to describe his feelings as any words he could come up with. It got him thinking about the conversation he had with Paul a couple days ago, and a different kind of music he was listening to...

"You look like hell, Squirt. ... It's killing me to see you guys like this." Paul said as they both sat down with their root beer floats outside the Foster's Freeze.

Ben was staring at the Mustang in the parking lot, and tried to object, "I'm not that bad" before the boy cut him off.

"Dude, you look like you missed the drop-in on a gnarly-ass wave, and it fucked you up good before spitting you out!"

Ben was shocked by that word and jerked his head up to look at his friend. Paul cussed as a natural part of speaking, but he'd never dropped an f-bomb before.

"I have your attention now?" Paul said with a half smirk. "Sorry, but I don't have a slushball handy. ... You know, you can tell a lot about someone from what music they're listening to. From the looks of things I'm pretty sure what your playlist is like, and why. Let me see."

Ben looked away again, embarrassed now by his mopey behavior, and the quick realization that the list he put together sounded every bit as dark as his mood.

Paul was insistent "Come on, cough it up," holding out his hand. Ben grudgingly pulled the otherwise unused phone from his pocket, then handed it off without a word.

He watched through downcast eyes as Paul scrolled through the playback list, mumbling along as he went "Uh huh, thought so ...R.E.M., I Miss You, Cranberries, Thinking of You, All Alone, Cryin' - glad you found Satriani, but those weren't the tunes I had in mind..."

"That's pretty depressing, Shorty." Paul said, louder but without looking up from the phone. "I haven't seen a set list like this since I... in a long damn time. You missed some, though, I'll send you some links." Ben wasn't sure if that was a joke or not.

Paul looked back at the list, reading to the end, and mumbled some more "Just Remember I L-" and stoped reading out loud, giving Ben a sharp look before finishing the rest of that and the last title silently, '... Love You, Who Loves You'. Ben ducked his head and mentally listed the last two items, and felt his cheeks heat up. He figured Paul would know the words to those songs, even as old as they are (what didn't the SOB know, music-wise?), and they put a completely different spin to the rest of the list. His friend would figure out he wasn't just missing Gwen, he wanted in the worst way to take away her hurt, if she would let him.

Paul looked up from the phone to see Ben looking back at him almost desperate to explain, but afraid to. "What's with the last two songs? Firefall and Frankie Valli? How do you even know those?!" He snorted softly. "Those are some really loaded lyrics..."

"Something else happened to you two, besides the wreck."

It wasn't a question, and Paul wasn't really expecting an answer from the look he had. Ben just nodded once, then looked away, too scared to volunteer one, anyway.

"So it makes you listen to songs like this" holding up the phone. "I get it. Sometimes you need music that goes with your mood, even a shitty one. ... Do me a favor? Don't overdo it. And remember what you listen to can get you out of a lousy mood, too. You need to do that. You can't help her if you're too messed up. And she definitely could use your help."

The song didn't make him feel on top of the world right now - that was all her - but it was great to hear something up beat for a change. Ben did a Yahoo search for the tag line that turned out to be the title. He read the lyrics after downloading the tune, and amazed himself again at how over-the-top weird he was acting, even for him. Since when did he go for sappy love songs? But after what happened today, listening to a dopey song was way better than how he felt listening to the sad songs on that list.

As he finished reading the lyrics, his phone buzzed for the first time in over a month. Sure enough, his Dweeb sent the message, along with an attachment. He plugged in the cable for his headphones and double tapped it, and grinned after the intro as he listened to the words, caught up in the dopey song she sent.

He had done what Paul suggested when they took the drive up the coast, he looked up Joe Satriani's songs, and he planned to learn several. One in particular, that also fit how he felt now after she sent her song. He smiled and tapped out a reply and sent it, then played it for himself as he crawled under the covers. He was thinking of her, after all.

So he liked playing silly love songs? What's wrong with that?

Once in a while.

/

Notes: Music I was listening to while I was scratching out the last chapters, sentimental git that I am. Who Loves You, Frankie Vallie and The Four Seasons
Far Away, Nickleback And songs in the story:
All for You, Sister Hazel
Thinking of You, Joe Satriani
Crazy For This Girl, Evan and Jaron