Gwen's bedroom

October 18, 2000

10:40 PM

Gwen swirled water around in her mouth and spit it into the sink, the last part of her bedtime routine before going back to her room. She looked at her reflection in the mirror and saw a streak of watery toothpaste on her T-shirt that somehow dribbled out while she was brushing. She wiped it away, idly smirking at the insults she could just hear Ben say to rag on her if he could see it. It's not like he'd act any different than all the previous times they went to bed in the Rust Bucket. But their new relationship changed pretty much everything, even something this innocuous - would his snark end with noticing her accidental grossness? Or, more likely, somehow turn into an excuse to indulge in something they both used to think of as disgusting - the physical closeness that she was starting to crave. What would it be like if - when - they go on another summer trip with Grandpa?

She gave herself a small grin as she went to her room. Eighteen months ago that thought was ... inconceivable. And unlike the movie, she knew exactly what that word means! But in a world where she could use real magic and the Doofus turned into aliens and they fought Terran and galactic bad guys - she had no doubt he'd put the Watch on again - being together was far from the most bizarre thing they would ever do.

There was no denying he made her happy, carrying over into the other parts of her life. Karate was great, like always, the physical antidote to her academic compulsion. She'd be testing for blue belt soon, and there was no doubt she'd earn the step up. She missed having him there, but he'd be starting back up in January from the way he was acting. School was as good as she could expect - she liked her classes and the grades were right where she wanted them, and she was involved in just the right level of extracurricular stuff. The "It Girl" status she had at the end of last year had faded as other kids got the spotlight, which suited her just fine. Even her classmates' interest in her presence in Phoenix was long gone since she didn't talk about it - what little she could say she'd told Michelle, and anyway there wasn't any point in picking at that scab. Grandpa wasn't around for any private conversations she might want to have - keeping track of his whereabouts had become impossible, again - but her Doofus was always there whenever the mostly dormant trauma reared up and threatened to overwhelm her.

Her best friend kept living up to the title; Gwen was grateful that they met, and she couldn't imagine her life without 'Chelle, especially for helping her sort out her situation with her cousin. It was even better now that Michelle and Ben stopped being prickly about each other, and neither one seemed to mind how she split her time between them.

And then there was Ben. Her partner, her more than best friend, her everything, really. Her Doofus! Gwen couldn't stop the smile spreading across her face at his image in her mind - she knew what that word meant, too, even if she couldn't completely explain it to save her life. How they went from barely tolerating each other to being the focus of each other's lives had been a literally incredible experience, one she wouldn't change for anything.

Still, there was something just a little off; a fuzzy thought lurking in the shadows of her mind that she paid fleeting attention to even though it seemed to be getting more demanding. As she snuggled into the sheet and blanket on her bed she thought, Now if the damn nightmare would just leave her be...

October 19

3:10 AM

Tears stung at her eyes as she heard the words coming from his mouth, struggling to make sense of them.

"I'm not allowed to see you, and I'm not going to ruin your life any more. I can't keep putting you in danger or see you get hurt. ... I can't be that selfish." Ben looked at her, heartbroken, tears clouding his eyes and spilling down his cheeks. His trembling voice was barely audible but she heard every terrible word, each one a knife slash to her heart.

"Your mom is right. It doesn't matter what I feel. You deserve so much better than me..."

He turned, his last word choked off in a strangled whisper, and started walking away from her.

Why couldn't she move?! Why couldn't she shout at his retreating form, make him know she didn't care what their parents thought, what anyone thought but him? Make him realize that without him she'd be lost? She managed to croak out a weak "Ben, wait!", and for a second he hesitated and she had a spark of hope.

He stopped to look at her over his shoulder, sorrow the only thing she could see in his dull green eyes, his mouth working soundlessly before one last sob was torn from it. He bowed his head as he turned away from her for the last time and started walking, fading into a mist.

The best thing in her life, her everything, was gone, and she didn't do anything to stop him, because she wasn't brave enough to say the words that would make him stay. A taunting voice came unbidden, 'I told you!'

Gwen fell to her knees, undone with grief, sobbing uncontrollably into her hands with her back hunched over.

"Ben, don't leave me! Come back! ... I do love you!"

But she knew the words were too late. He would never hear them...

"Doofus!" The word came out in a hoarse, agonized hiss.

The dream finally let her go, and Gwen found herself curled into a ball on her knees, her face in her hands. Her heart was pounding so fast and hard she thought it would burst; that would be preferable to the emotional pit this latest version of her nightmare left her in.

She panted for air as she pushed herself up from the mattress, stopping when her arms were extended, before her uncurled back allowed her to take deep, ragged breaths. Was it real? Had their parents found out and forbidden them from seeing each other? Or was it just a ghastly dream? In her pain and confusion she didn't know.

Waking from that ordeal with her face in her pillow muffled any noise she might have made. She was completely alone in the darkness, without even starlight from the window to light the way out of the despair the vision plunged her in. Sobs tore from her chest as she collapsed into her pillow, desperately wanting her Doofus to crawl up behind her and wrap his arms around her, to feel his warm breath on her neck while he murmured words of comfort. To let her know it was only a horrible nightmare.

Gwen rolled on her side towards the nightstand as her crying faded a little. The panic didn't, though, she still wasn't sure what was real. She saw a faint green glow from the power telltale on her phone, a sign that it was on - maybe that was the safety net she wanted.

She reached out for it, fumbling to open it while bringing it close, then mashed down the speed dial for his number. She let up when she heard ringing.

"Please answer..." she whispered in a watery, shaking voice as she brought it to her ear.

— X —

Ben's bedroom

Ben's eyes snapped open two panicked heartbeats after his phone buzzed on the nightstand, the wood furniture reverberating like a badly tuned speaker. It was a jarring sound, and seemed like the harsh roar of a motorcycle engine in the stillness of his dark room. He picked it up before there was a second buzz, sitting up while flipping it open with his thumb in a smooth, automatic motion and looked at the bold electric green numbers on the otherwise dark screen. 3:14. Why was Gwen calling at this time of night?

It took a few seconds before the most likely reason coalesced in his sleep-fuzzy brain. Another nightmare. Had to be. Or a night terror - even worse, he knew from bitter experience. They both got them, off and on since the end of the first summer trip. The awful phantasms left them dazed, often covered in a film of cold sweat, heart racing and breathing hard as if they just stopped running for their life. Oh yeah - and emotionally exhausted and scared as hell, grasping for a lifeline. It must've been really bad if that was it, she had never called about one before.

During the trips with Grandpa they learned how to deal with waking up in such a dreadful way. When he did, almost without fail Gwen would be at his back a few seconds later, sometimes even before he woke up, gently stroking his hair and whispering in his ear - "Ssshh, Doofus. You're ok, I'm with you. You'll be ok." It didn't really matter what she said, the sound of her voice, the feel of her hand in his hair and her breath on his ear and neck always calmed him down from whatever torment his mind inflicted on his sleep. After the first few times, she'd end up wrapping an arm around him and held him close until he stopped shaking, the feel of her steady breathing drawing him back from whatever dark abyss the dreams tried to suck him into. Regaining his composure with her at his back never took more than a few minutes, and she would quietly slip out of his bunk and go back to hers without either of them acknowledging what happened. In the morning they pretended nothing ever did, but he always had a surge of gratitude when she first looked at him when they met at the Rust Bucket's dining booth.

When Gwen got them, he did the same for her, as best as he could. At first, the night after they got back from Xenon, he struggled with his childish hangup that getting that close to a girl was gross, instead listening to her heartrending whimpers and moans for several minutes. It was finally more than he could bear, though, so he crept into her bunk and hesitantly stroked her hair the way she did to him, as her muffled crying faded and she stopped trembling. He got better at soothing her fears - holding her against his chest and pressing his face into the crook of her neck so he could whisper to her - never sure if that was a good or bad thing. It was awful that she had the nightmares to begin with, especially since they often were because he failed to keep her out of trouble. He was always glad that he could help calm her down, though. How could that ever be gross?

None of that could work when they weren't sleeping in Grandpa's old RV, of course. Sometimes Ben would wake in a panic, unable to scream the words the terror put in his mind. Other times he would cry out in his sleep when the nightmares came, loud enough that his parents would be there when the horror released him and he sat bolt upright in fear, trying to sooth him down. More often than not, though, their presence really didn't help as much as they wanted - that fact was proven again just last week with a repeat of his night time horror show. Vilgax may be gone with half the galaxy praising that fact, but his original nightmare of uselessly watching his Dweeb be swallowed up hadn't gone away. He could never talk to his parents about that, but they felt the undertones in spite of his refusal. They always questioned what could possibly affect their tweenage son that way, whether they said it out loud or not. He appreciated their efforts to comfort him, but the experience was nerve wracking.

Gwen never talked about how she managed her nightmares at home, but he could tell when she had them. He ached when she did and he was helpless to do anything for her. At least once the pain was physical, when he took the brunt of a bad day at karate after she had a worse night.

Those thoughts flashed through his mind in the few moments it took to bring the phone from his lap up to his ear. "Gwen? What's wrong?" He could hear her ragged breathing before she took a deep breath.

"Doofus... I ..." she stammered. Another deep breath, less shaky this time. "I'm sorry, it's late. I shouldn't have called..." she said, her voice trailing off.

"Dweeb! Please. You called me for a reason. What am I going to do? Ignore you?" He snorted. "Like I would! ... What's going on?"

Ben waited for a reply, but heard a muffled sob instead. There was nothing worse in the world than hearing her make that heartbreaking sound. "You had a nightmare." he said in a low voice. "What was it?"

"Uh huh" Gwen sniffled. "The one where you left, again." She whispered. "I watched you walk away, and I couldn't do anything about it. ... I just needed to hear your voice, so I'd know it wasn't real." She took another deep breath. "I'm being stupid..."

"Nuh uh. No. You're not that! But the dream is. ... What do you mean, again? Do you have it a lot?"

"Yes." she said in a miserable voice. "They started when I lost control that day in karate and punched you in the shoulder. ... You said..." Ben heard her take another shuddering breath, tearing at his heart. "You said you knew I didn't feel for you the way you felt for me and you were going to leave me alone. Then you left and I couldn't stop you or explain..." She stopped talking as sobs took over again. So that's why, Ben thought, getting a glimpse of her misery.

She sucked in a deep breath. "But this time you said you had to leave because your parents said you couldn't see me, and my parents hated you, and you couldn't be the cause of me hurting any more. ... And I wasn't brave enough to tell you I didn't care about any of that..."

"It's like I'm still hearing the Poodle... it won't stop! I hate it!"

"Dweeb, listen! The Poodle only told lies, remember? I'm right here." He paused, thinking about what to say. What he wanted to tell her was - risky. At another time it could be taken so wrong, but it was true. He hoped his Dweeb would think so, too. His turn for a deep breath.

"I wish I was there with you so I could prove it." He held his breath for a second, then let out the rest. "Like we could before... when we were in the Rust Bucket."

Ben heard her inhale sharply, as he held his again, afraid that she would think he was being an imbecile. Or worse.

"I ... Me too." He barely heard her, but she said it. "This may sound bad, but I miss that. Not the nightmares!" she said in a hurry. "But when you ... helped me get over them. That was..."

Gwen stopped talking, but the quiet wasn't bad. He knew what she meant; he'd felt it himself often enough. The silence was broken by the sounds of each other breathing - a steady, comforting presence.

After half a minute Ben spoke gently. "Yeah. I miss that too. ... I always wanted to tell you - I, uh, I appreciated what you did when I was freaking out. You always made me feel... safe." Why is it that telling her things like this is so hard? He ducked his head even though she wouldn't see it. "Now I'm being the stupid one."

"Doofus! How many times do I have to tell you you aren't stupid!" she whispered fiercely.

Her voice softened. "And I feel the same way. You know that, right?" she said, pleading. Ben could almost see that she was the same color red he felt on his face.

She cleared her throat softly. "I, um... I miss the other times, too. When we weren't in the Rust Bucket, and we woke up together?" Her tentative tone of voice let Ben know she was ducking her head now, trying to hide in the covers, and probably turning an even deeper shade of red, if that were possible.

"Oh man! I'm really sorry about that! I didn't mean to fall asleep with you, it was just that you were hurting so bad and I wanted to make it stop but I couldn't and I couldn't make Dad get it that that was my job and you asked me to stay..." The confused jumble of words tumbled out as Ben remembered when her female biology hit her like a freight train, and he ended up staying the night with her in the spare bedroom.

"Ben. BEN. DOOFUS! Stop!" She interrupted his babbling with a harsh whisper, then giggled. "You're adorable! ... You need to listen. I'm not upset about that. I said I miss it! You did make me feel better. Just like the other times..." her voice trailed off.

"Huh?"

"That wasn't the only time we slept in the same bed. After the funeral? Remember?

"I remember waking up in your bed, but you weren't there."

"Because I got up first! ... What? Did you think I slept on the floor?" Gwen laughed softly again. "I woke up facing you, and you were kind of snoring. You looked so... peaceful. After our fight, and the drive home, and ... when we got to Kenny's room... we were both so tired, I was happy that you were sleeping like that. ... Then I realized we were in my bed and I freaked out and got in the bathroom before you woke up. But I remember what it was like before I did." He heard her swallow. "It wasn't bad." she said in a quiet but steady voice.

Ben heard her take in another deep breath. "Are you OK now, Dweeb? You still sound a little, um, shook up." He remembered that day, the whole week in fact - the way their prank war kept escalating until he convinced himself he really did hate her as much as she seemed to hate him, leading to that awful fight. Only to have that misconception shattered by the news from Grandpa about his aunt's miscarriage, watching uselessly as Gwen struggled to grasp the tragedy on top of the shock of hearing she was almost a big sister. So many times during the day and a half drive home he felt an almost irresistible urge to crawl next to her and try to take away her hurt with a hug, a word, something. But it was so much worse than a nightmare; he had no idea what he could say or do that could help, so he kept his distance throughout the drive and the tragic events of the next day. Until he found her alone in Kenny's room staring at the crib her brother would never sleep in, before collapsing into his arms.

That was the first time they both cried since they were little, and the first time that he swore to himself he'd do anything to take away the pain she was feeling. And felt grateful when she did it for him the next day when they found out Grandpa left in the middle of the night without a word.

They never talked about it until just now. Her nightmare must have really spooked her; Gwen tended to be chatty when she was upset, but being this emotional was so unlike her. If she kept this up, she'd be really embarrassed in the morning. A year ago he would have drawn it out so he could make her life miserable teasing her, but that was just pointlessly mean now. Then again, she never would have talked to him this way back then.

"Yeah, I'm better." She paused before deciding to go on. "I, um, I've wanted to tell you this but I kept waiting for the right time." Gwen let out a brittle laugh, "I just never thought that would be the middle of the night after a bad dream, over the phone. You must think I'm an idiot..."

He snorted softly. "Not unless you think I am too, and you just said you don't."

"Uh huh. ... I want you to know ... On New Year's Eve, when we went to sleep? ... I was glad you didn't stay in the sleeping bag." Ben heard her take a fortifying breath and hold it, then slowly exhale before talking again.

"It felt weird when you first got in bed - you didn't say anything, let alone about that kiss. I didn't know what you were thinking. I was so confused!" she said in a barely audible whisper, as if someone might be listening.

"Yeah, well... I thought you knew what was going on. I was kinda out of it after our dads came in, I was afraid you'd freak and tell them that I was such a sick dirtbag. You didn't know that?" Ben matched her whisper with his.

Gwen was silent for a few heartbeats. "How- how would I have known that? I can do magic, not read minds. And you were so squirrelly after Christmas break started, I couldn't figure out what your deal was." Ben was a little shocked at her revelation, he really had just assumed she knew what that kiss meant.

"You didn't even make a lame joke about almost getting caught with the champagne! ... Anyway, after you - well, we - settled down it wasn't weird any more. It was, um, OK... better than OK, really. ... And no, I didn't think you were a sick dirtbag! I didn't know whatto think, but it was never that."

"I woke up a few hours after we fell asleep because you were snoring so hard - you were louder than Grandpa on a bad night! And you were cuddled up against my back and holding me. ... Did you remember any of that?"

"I remember you saying something about me snoring, but..." Ben said slowly before she interrupted.

"Ben, please ... Let me finish before I chicken out... " she pleaded. He could almost see her close her eyes and gather her courage before continuing. "When I felt you snuggled around me like that, I almost did freak! But you were sleeping so I knew you didn't plan to end up that way, and we weren't doing anything... you know... Your arm was around me and you made me feel so... warm, and safe, and happy..."

"So I just went back to sleep, listening to you breathe. ... I liked that feeling..." Gwen stopped talking, waiting for him to reply. Ben stayed silent, not knowing how to respond. Without knowing it, this was stuff he wanted to hear, but now that he did... "Doofus? Say something?" He heard the fear creep back into her voice, and it almost undid him - she needed to hear it, too.

"I knew we were like that, but not when you were talking about." he said just above a whisper, feeling his cheeks heating up. He was glad for the phone - he could never say stuff like this to her before, and they wouldn't have even started if they were face to face. But he needed to say it out loud now, even if only in a whisper, for his benefit as much as hers - Gwen would hear it as clearly as if he were shouting. And he would listen to whatever she wanted to tell him without being a jerk, because that's what she needed from him.

"I woke up, though, all wrapped up with you like you said, and I almost lost it, too. But you didn't push me away before, and I figured if you were ok then I should be too." He stopped to take a deep breath, then let it out slowly.

"And I didn't want to let you go. I..."His voice broke and he felt a lump in his throat. "I liked feeling you that close, too. And that it wasn't because there was a disaster we were in the middle of, or we just barely escaped from some bad guy fight, or..."

"Or one of us just had a bad dream?" Gwen whispered, her voice falling.

"Well, yeah, but not like you're thinking. I know you'll always be there when I have one. You know you can call me whenever you do, right? Any time. ... But that night, we were like - that - just because. And it felt right, you know?" Ben instinctively put his free hand to the back of his neck.

"Geez, I can't believe I'm getting mushy like this! You must think I'm the biggest wuss..." Really, what was he thinking?! This isn't what heroes do.

"Yeah, Doofus, that's exactly what I think!" Gwen snarked back quietly, "because telling your girlfriend you like being with her just because is so unmanly!" She giggled softly. "It's one of the sweetest things you've ever said to me!" she said shyly. Ben smiled to himself when she said it because there wasn't even a hint of the fear he heard a few minutes ago.

"Yeah, well..." A thousand smartass comebacks swirled in his mind, trying to break free from his mouth, but as easy as they would be to use he didn't want to say any of them. Not right now, when they were unguarded. So he said what he was feeling.

"Good."

They were both silent again except for the sound of their breathing, another reassuring quiet. Gwen's started slowing down and getting deeper. Ben looked at his clock. "Soooo" he said, "are you feeling better?"

"Y- Yes. ... I'd be better if you were here. But I'm OK now. ... Thanks to you!" Gwen said gently.

"Listen, we can keep the connection going while we go back to sleep, if you want. Graymatter set it up to automatically disconnect if we don't talk for ten minutes. ... You can hang up if I start to snore." He said the last bit with more of his usual attitude.

"I'd like that." she said in a sleepy whisper. Ben heard the soft sound of a yawn, followed by her sheets rustling as she settled back into her bed. "I... G' night, Doof's."

He laid back down and gathered his sheet and blanket around his neck. "Sleep good, Dweeb."

He heard Gwen mumble something drowsily, that he thought started with 'I', but he wasn't sure he heard it right.

Did she say what it sounded like?

He set the phone on his bed and sank back into his pillow, staring at the ceiling and listening to the faint noises of his Dweeb falling asleep.

She did it again! Freaking out and him going right along with her, talking about cuddlingand feelings, of all things! Only this time he wasn't the hot mess he was the night he realized Gwen was his best friend. He was as confused now as he was that night, but in a different way - what the hell got into him, both of them, really, 'fessing up in the dark to things they would never say in normal circumstances? His turbulent thoughts and feelings were easier to handle this time, though, because he also had that warm feeling he got after she tackled him at the lake, and again after she helped him shake off the panic he felt in Paul's car a few weeks ago.

Is this what lo- that word, the one his parents told each other that made him pretend to gag - meant, that made what he felt now more than what you feel for a friend? Even a best friend? More than hanging out and having fun together, more than helping each other, more than feeling bad when she did? Wanting to be physically close because sometimes her touch meant more than words did?

That thought made him shudder. He liked Jamie and the other guys he played Sumo with most of the time, but if anybody besides his Dweeb was his best friend it would have to be Paul. Even so, he definitely didn't want to be up close and personal with them, though. And it didn't bother him that she thought of Michelle as her best friend. This was different, better, even if he couldn't say why.

All he knew was he couldn't imagine feeling this way about anyone else and he didn't wantto, and he knew she felt that way about him. He felt it now in the middle of the night over the phone just as much as he did when they were having fun hanging out together during the day. Or after one took away the other's fear after a bad dream.

A shiver went down his back as he latched on to the thought dancing around his mind and faced it head-on. Ben took a deep breath and let it out slowly as a timid smile spread over his face.

I love you, too, Dweeb, he thought, the craziness in his head fading as his breathing matched hers before he dropped of to sleep.

/