A/N

I do not own Harry Potter.

Tom Riddle and Lucius Malfoy sat at an ornate mahogany table discussing the recent events that had taken place.

Lucius had explained that Harry had been kidnapped by Molly Weasley. Tom wasted no time in his research of the woman. After doing some reseach at the Ministry it appeared Molly was originally a Prewitt before marrying Weasley.

Voldemort prided himself on knowing all the pure blood families, and the Prewitts were no exception. What confused him greatly was that the Prewitt family had a well known curse that prevented females from being born, which meant they had no daughter.

Two days later

Voldemort grinned as he read the report his researchers had made him, regarding Molly Weasley. It appeared a ripe time to go to the papers!

Meanwhile at the Burrow

"Now calm down Harry, we need to talk, dont make me open the proverbial can of whoopass on your head" said Dumbledore patiently.

Seeing no more protest Dumbledore continued.

"Tell me about your father Harry" said Dumbledore with a twisted grin.

Harry ignored the qustion, causing Molly to jump up.

"Young man we brought you here and are offering you a place to stay, you didn't even say thank you, you can at least answer the headmaster" Molly thunderded causing Arthur to tremble.

"More like kidnapped me dude" Harry said angerly.

Crack

Molly had punched Harry in the face, causing his shattered glasses to go flying.

Harry kicked Molly in the balls, earning a roar of agony and anger. Molly punched Harry again knocking him down and was standing over Harry with a cauldron of hot scalding cheese.

"Molly control yourself" said Dumbledore calmly.

Suddenly the wards around the Burrow shook and came tumbling down, they had a visitor.

The guest stood over seven feet tall and was nothing but muscle. Arthur Weasley cowered behind Molly as Dumbledore tried to regain his composure.

Harry grinned as he saw the familiar face, it was his fathers best friend and his honarary uncle Sue Daviz.

Molly roared in anger as the guest grabbed George Weasley's arm and gave a painful twist, causing the arm to be contorted into a complicated pretzel.

Susan then punched Molly and caused the Weasley matriach to knock the hot cheese cauldron onto herself, Molly roared in anger as her face was blistered.

Albus looked around as the entire Order of the Phoenix was knocked out by this person who walked right throug their wards as if they were non existent.

" Sir this trespassing" Dumbledore exclaimed as Daviz gave him an intimidating look.

"Do not call me SIR" she screamed as she pulled off a complicated arm twist, causing Dumbledore to squelch in agony. Before he knew it, she was gone, she had taken Harry!

Later that week.

Dumbledore had completed his research on the woman, and fell off the solid gold toilet of Potter Castle . It appeared she went by the name Sue Daviz, a former "pool wrestler", which was some kind of strange sport that was simply wrestling in water.

She was also a former gym teacher in the muggle world, fired for being too violent. But she had grown up in the same orphanage as Tom, and they were friends!

It appered for much of his childhood exploits, he was the brain and she was the muscle. After Tom went to Hogwarts, she received a full scholarship to attend clown school, before becoming a teacher. She was not a witch but not a muggle either, with her inhuman strength.

Daviz was a problem he had to take care of, perhaps he could convince Daviz to be the next transfiguartion teacher, as Mcgongall had outlived her usefullness.

Dumbledore was busy reading the comics in the paper that he missed the headline.

"Dumbledore uses Henchman to Snatch Student at Train Station" by Brian Cornell

Molly Casey Weasley, 67 of England has been accused of kidnapping a student in broad daylight. The odd woman then claimed she was acting on Albus Dumbledore's orders.

After some research it has been determined that Molly Weasley was formerly known as Fargus "Butch" Prewitt, the fifth son of Omar and Cheia Prewitt. Fargus never went to Hogwarts and instead went to the US to be a diesel mechanic, where he met Arthur, whom was a fan of muggle engines. She later became Molly Weasley and the two are married with seven children.

Dumbledore burned the paper and got himself a beer, when he was rudely interupted by Neville crying about Ronald.

It appeared Ronald had his sights set on the new chosen one, Harry Riddle. Dumbledore pointed his wand at Neville and whispired lovingly, " Avada Kedavra". Dumbledore was pleased his plan had worked, he had proven Neville was not the chosen one. Perhaps Molly could make a stew out of this.

A few weeks later, Harry was back at Hogwarts for the spring semester, and Dumbledore choose not to approach him again, so Harry could concentrate on his studies. He did however, enchant four dozen mops to act as security guards to patrol the school, Filch was not pleased.

A few weeks later, while Dumbledore was formulating a plan to cut McGonagal's pay without her realizing it, he was interupted by his top mop warrior, named Lutenant Soap, that Harry was in the Chamber of Secrets.

" Ive got you now Riddle" said Dumbledore calmly as he put on some lingerie.

The Next Morning

Harry was enjoying his breakfast when he felt somebody pull his hair hard, it was Dumbledore who let out a hiss. Dumbledore ran away with a clunk of Harry's hair.

An hour later

Dumbledore had run a test to see who Harry's mother was. He didnt bother with learning who the father was,as it was obviously Tom. Dumbledore roared when he saw it was Lily. "Damn Lily was a twisted slut" he chuckled as he made himself a sandwich. She had two kids almost the same age, both named Harry, one with Tom and one with James, for some reason Harry Riddle looked like James.

Snape shook his head sadly at the idoiacy of the headmaster, but he had work to do, he had three bushels of peaches to can.

The next day

Dumbledore was in the Ministry of Magic, because he knew as a student Harry had an official address registered. He had to find out where Tom was, and finish him off before people realized he was lying about killing Tom earlier.

Dumbledore had set a small fire that was currently raging on the second floor, while Hagrid was outside rocking the streets. There were only a few ministry workers.

" Avada Kedavra" Dumbledore winnied as Umbridge fell over, as she was about to confront him. Dumbledore then took his potion knife out of his pocket and made a mask of Umbridge so he could walk through completley undetected. Finally Dumbledore found the address of Harry Riddle!

Tom Riddle was having a relaxing evening in his study, when the doors were blown off their hinges. It was Dumbledore!

The next day.

Harry was enjoying breakfast when he recieved a large package. He opened the package and nearly fainted. It was Voldemorts head. He looked over at Dumbledore who was grinning and blowing kisses at him.