A/N So, our last chapter left us at the end of Faith. This chapter picks up takes place after Route 666. Read, review, and enjoy!

Dean was delaying the inevitable. He felt torn and confused. He had no intention of giving up on what he had going with Mae. He didn't want to. Maybe it was foolhardy, he thought, to be in love with her, to still be in love with that woman. But he was. It must have been important, he reasoned, because this was bothering him.

It was foolish, untrue, and most of all it was stupid, but he felt a bit like he cheated on Mae. There were a lot of other times that could have fallen into the infidelity category in his history with Mae but this one shouldn't, should it? They made no agreement, except an exchange of phone calls. Most of the time, he was pretty sure she thought of her feelings for him as a burden. So why shouldn't he enjoy the chance to be with someone who had wanted to be with him? Cassie had, at least for a while.

He hated that it wasn't enough. There were too many issues, issues he surprisingly didn't have with Mae. Of all the issues he had with that woman, hunting wasn't one of them. She understood that. While he might have had a fantasy that things could have worked with Cassie, he knew a normal girl like her wouldn't fit into the life, she would break or come to resent him. That wouldn't happen with Mae.

Then there was that something that Mae held over him. He couldn't define it, he couldn't name it, but at times like this, it was almost tangible. It twisted in his gut and his heart, creating the most intricate of knots waiting her. Now, he just wanted her to call him. He could have called her first. But he wanted her to make the move this time. He wanted to feel like she wanted him. He needed that.

The question was whether she would, whether she would reach out to him, whether she would meet him halfway. She said she would but hadn't yet. As much as he wanted to see her, he wouldn't ask her to see him, visit her, or ask her for something he knew she would reject. They had both agreed that this wasn't just a fleeting element of lust, attraction or even a fond reminiscence of what once was. This was something different entirely.

That left Dean waiting for her, hanging on to a notion that she would eventually give in to or embrace how she felt. He hated how much he wanted her to call when he knew it would be easier to walk away. But it wouldn't. He would still want her, and she would still haunt his thoughts.

After they left Nebraska, they'd headed in opposite directions, and she had called him when she stopped for the night in Wyoming. She even called the next day. They fell into a nice pattern of calling each other, sometimes it was every day, sometimes it was twice a day and sometimes it was every other day. But they both still called each other.

They never spoke of anything particularly important or evocative, nothing that would raise the hackles of the other. They just spoke. He wouldn't say that it was anything that would lay the foundation for some meaningful relationship; it just kept the channels open.

But now he wasn't sure what to do. He wanted to talk to her, God he did. He hadn't called her while he'd been in Mississippi, not sure he could explain the situation at the time. He'd even let her call go to voicemail. Poor Mae, he thought, she had no idea that he was with the only other woman who'd made him feel anything close to what he felt for her. All the time he spent with Cassie, he found himself thinking about Mavis.

His dueling feelings for both women left him confused. He loved Cassie, at least he thought he did. Outside of his feeling for Mae, he would call it love. But if he compared it to what he felt for Mae, it felt shallow. It felt the way a two-week relationship should feel. He had history with Mae, years of it-good, bad, love, hate, and everything else. That redheaded hunter had a hold on him and there wasn't much that seemed to shake it.

Maybe he would tell her he slept with Cassie, and she would laugh, shrug it off. Most women wouldn't. Sure, he wasn't having sex with Mae, but he damn well wanted to be. He didn't want to have to start from scratch with her. Not telling her didn't seem like the best option either. He just couldn't figure out how to be with her and keep this a secret.

Things between them changed, little by little. She was more comfortable, more open, and their calls were easily becoming more flirtatious. It was no longer just an experiment or test of trust. No, their conversations were what he'd hoped for from the beginning. Now he was in an odd spot. Did he tell her and risk her calling things off or did he kept it to himself and risk her finding out later?

His thoughts hadn't made her call, he knew, but when she finally did, it felt kismet and for the first time, it filled him with a sense of dread.

"Hey there, I was beginning to think… well, I was getting worried. Tough case or something?"

Dean paused, trying to determine if there was something more to what she was saying, if she knew what had happened. That was paranoia, he decided. There was no way for her to know unless Sam said something and he knew his brother wouldn't have been having secret calls with her, just to disclose women he might have flirted or slept with. "Yeah, I guess… it was, it was a weird case. We had a possessed car to deal with. It was pretty intense."

"Are we talkin' Christine, Maximum Overdrive, or The Hearse? Remember The Hearse? It was borderline awful."

"I guess which ever one involved a vengeful spirit."

"You took care of it right?"

"Yeah, we did."

Dean wasn't always talkative, but he seemed particularly withdrawn tonight. "Is something wrong? Did something bad happen?"

"Nothing's wrong."

He knew she wouldn't believe him. He didn't believe him. It was stupid to try to lie to her he realized. They weren't trying to reconnect only to start lying to each other again. "So, it was a big thing that happened huh?"

Under different circumstances, he would have laughed at how easily she saw through him, even only going by his voice. Maybe he wanted her to hear that in his tone. "Not big, not exactly. It's… complex."

Her stomach knotted against her will. In her mind, she listed all the things she thought he would consider complex, that would distract him but not send him into a defensive fight or flight response. She swore if he was breaking up with her, she wasn't going to show any kind of girly emotions. The thought still stabbed at her in a way she thought she couldn't be hurt any more.

Maybe that had been his plan from the beginning. Draw her out, make her feel comfortable, then give her the chop so she knew what it would feel like too. His last job had changed something, and she had to steal herself against the blow, as if it were physical. "Well, out with it Dean. You know how I hate to wait."

"I slept with someone else."

Mae felt relief - she had expected different words. She knew his reputation and proclivities, and wasn't immune to his charm. Thinking of him with another woman wasn't something she wanted to dwell on. Though they'd never discussed it, a part of her thought he wouldn't sleep with anyone else. But she acknowledged that she might have slept with someone too, if she were so inclined.

They weren't dating. Believing that neither of them would have sex ever again was an unrealistic expectation. If she wasn't willing to make a larger commitment to him, she couldn't expect him to do anything different. All the same, she wasn't mad. She expected to be at least a little mad. Maybe it was even good. He could get her out of his system. Dean might have realized that he should focus his attentions elsewhere.

"I've slept with other people too." She said, being just a little callous and evasive

He frowned. If she had slept with someone else and didn't tell him before, she clearly hadn't felt the same way about telling him. "Since we last saw each other?"

She didn't feel like lying to him, she couldn't really lie to him on this count. "No, not if you're counting time in a linear fashion," she said after a pause, "but, just for the record, I'm not holding you to some standard we didn't agree to. If I had wanted you to not have sex, I should have said so. And for the record, I don't exactly need a running total of your barroom conquests."

It wasn't the answer he had predicted but it also wasn't the one he feared. "Um, maybe if it was that sort of thing, I wouldn't be telling you. Or at least I wouldn't tell you like that. She was someone I met years ago, and we had a... thing."

"A thing like, not just a random hook up." It wasn't a question and Mae realized why it was important enough to share. Even though she had just thought it would be better for him to just get over her, the reality that he might have felt breaking things off with her like this felt worse than she thought it would. "I guess... I mean, good for you. I'm glad you found someone because we're... we're friends."

He had to smile to himself, just a little. He could hear the upset in her voice. A petty part of him liked the idea that she might be jealous. That wasn't his goal. He didn't share it with her to put her on the defensive. He liked that she wasn't calling it quits just because she momentarily thought he was with another girl. She was trying to make the best of it.

"That's not what I'm saying."

"Oh, so you don't want to be friends anymore? You're the one who want these check ins and... does this mean you don't want to keep… trying? Okay, that's fine, I guess."

"Will you just stop for a second? I'm telling you because, well, because she meant something me. After I met her, I thought maybe...maybe I do normal too. But I couldn't and when she called me to ask for help...listen, I just want you to know I feel bad about it. I know it's stupid to feel like I was...unfaithful."

"You weren't. Why would you feel bad about it?"

He heard the skepticism in her voice, he liked that too. "I feel bad because... I can't stop thinking about you. Not that I would go back and change things. I needed to know if anything was still there."

"Are you asking me to absolve you of guilt for something? Or do you think there's something serious between us that we're dancing around? Did you tell me this to brag about getting laid but since you weirdly feel guilty, you hope I'll say something to make you feel better?"

"No I... maybe a little."

Dean thought she would probably hang up on him. He should have kept it to himself. Mae didn't need to know the reason why he decided to go all in on her. Instead, she sighed.

"So...is there anything there between you and this girl?"

Dean didn't want to lie to her, he couldn't lie to her. He didn't want to hurt her at the same time. "Yeah, a little. I guess. Or there was. But maybe there isn't now. It's not like how I feel about you though. I kept thinking about you and I don't know what that means."

She was quite a while. "What's her name?"

Her question almost made him do a double take. Of all the things she could have asked… maybe she was trying to trap him, but he couldn't exactly figure out why she would do that. Maybe he had misheard her. "What?"

"This girl, she's got a name, right? So, what is it?"

He had heard her right. He didn't want to answer, he didn't want to talk to her about this. He just wanted to tell her and find out if it was okay. This was going in a weird direction, but he answered because she was being so calm about it. "Cassie."

"Did you love her? Or do you love her?"

He couldn't figure out why it mattered, why she kept asking for more information. "I thought I did. Or if I didn't then, I could have. I loved the idea of her."

"But not her?"

Dean sighed, running a hand through his close-cropped hair. "Well… yeah, I mean… I don't know. If I thought less about you when I was with her maybe I could be totally convinced of what that meant. Okay, here's the deal, normally I wouldn't think twice about sleeping with someone when things are the way we are with us, but it bothers me now and I don't know why."

That wasn't exactly true, he understood it. He was uncomfortable because he loved Mae and having feelings for someone else was difficult for him. But telling Mae he loved her right now might make this more awkward. They had made it through this whole conversation without either of them getting angry. Then finally, she asked one of the questions he had anticipated.

"It seems like you should feel bad because if Cassie had feelings or the beginning of feelings for you, you sort of took advantage of that and for some reason spent your time with her thinking about me."

"I guess."

"If we're friends, I'd tell you to spend more time focusing on what's in front of you, not some hypothetical with some other girl you think you're in love with."

"What would you tell me if you weren't my friend?" He asked.

"I'd ask you again, did you tell me so that you could try and feel a little less guilty, like I might say something to make you feel less of what you're feeling? Or did you think I really wanted to know that you slept with someone you had feeling for? I mean did you tell me for my benefit or yours?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I want to know if... I should only feel bad if you have feelings for me. If you don't then maybe I shouldn't worry."

Mae didn't understand; they always avoided the real issues. Clever analogies replaced 'relationship' or 'dating'. But she could feign ignorance and continue to not confront the issue for a while longer. "Just say what you want to say."

"Well…" He paused, he knew he had to walk a fine line with her, but it was impossible to keep up the little game, "Do you think this is a relationship or not? I know we've been pretending there isn't something romantic between us, but I feel like more than friends. I've told you how I feel and I'm pretty sure you're just afraid to tell me how you feel, which I guess is fine. I think we're headed towards more than friendship, beyond being fuck buddies, whatever you want to call that. It's not hypothetical. I need to know if that's just a...fantasy."

Dean's words surprised her. She had been as direct about her feelings as she was comfortable with but she knew it wasn't what Dean craved. He knew how she felt. The thought of a relationship between them had crossed her mind more times than she wanted to admit. And every time she came to the same conclusion-it wouldn't end well—she'd break his heart again or vice versa, or worse.

"I don't know if that's what you'd call it." She said quietly.

"What would you call it then, Red?"

"Stupid."

Dean grinned. "Okay then. Are we going to be stupid together? Do you want to be stupid with me? Because I'd really like to be stupid with you."

There was something so genuine, so heartfelt about the question that didn't match the words. It was the intention, the meaning behind them that made her smile and laugh to herself. He played their little system perfectly and he'd asked her what both of them had been wondering on some level since he'd spotted her in that bar in Washington.

"Honestly? I kind of do, I mean in a completely illogical way."

"Seems like that's how stupid works. Logic is definitely not going to help us." He cleared his throat, "So I should feel bad then."

"No," She shook her head, despite being on the phone with him, "I already told you that you shouldn't." She let out a deep sigh and didn't speak long enough for Dean to think she hung up. But then she spoke again. "It seems like a long time ago, but I fell in love with someone too. I suppose if something happened where I had the chance to be with him again, I'd probably take it."

"Yeah?"

He could hear that she meant it. His emotions twisted a little more. He could deal with her sleeping with someone else but the idea that she'd given her heart to someone else hurt. Dean didn't think she was telling him to twist the knife, but it was hard to hear, nonetheless. He had to take it as a puzzle piece to her history.

"Yeah." She said thoughtfully.

"Then why aren't you with him? If you still love him and want to be stupid with him."

"Oh, didn't you see my white picket fence, 2.3 kids and minivan when you were at my house?"

The one thing that was clear about her house was that she was very much alone there, but it was too big for just her and just a hair off from her style. Maybe she had been with him, had a whole house, and life together with the guy. And now she didn't. "I take it things ended badly."

He could hear the turn in her voice, and he could imagine the way the sadness would hang in her gray blue eyes as she spoke, remembered. "Yeah."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to bring it up."

Her next breath was sharply audible before she pulled herself together again. He didn't think she was crying but maybe. God, he wished they were in the same place and not just exchanging phone calls.

He would understand, she thought, if she told him everything right then. Every part of it, Dean would understand, and she had an easy in. All she had to do was open her mouth and let the truth spill out. But she just couldn't say it out loud. "You didn't, I did." Her voice was softer now, with a melancholy tone, "He was a good guy, and he was good to me. You wouldn't have liked him."

"I wouldn't have liked someone who was nice to you?"

"No, you wouldn't have liked him, and he was nice to me. Two separate statements. My point is, if you really had feelings for Cassie, then or now, and you had the chance act on them, you shouldn't feel bad about it. Regardless of any future plans we have to be stupid."

"Well, that's not exactly what I thought you'd say. You're being pretty cool about all this."

"I could get mad I suppose but what's the point? I'm so tired of being mad at things I can't change or do differently. It does me no good." She sighed heavily, "I just don't want to fight about this."

"But we fight so good."

"Sure, we do and give me almost anything else, we can argue until the sun comes up. But this… no."

Only then did he figured out why she asked one of the questions that had confused him most. He wanted to know what kind of guy made her heart soften and took all the fight out of her. He thought he had been the only one. Maybe that's what she thought when she asked him about Cassie. "What was his name?"

"Dan."

"You still love him?"

"A part of me always will."

"So, if you ran into him again, feeling what you feel about me, you'd still sleep with him?"

"He died."

"Shit. I'm sorry. I didn't-I didn't know."

"How would you? But… I think our... relationship was more of a moment in time and it was a perfect moment while I had it. But um," he could hear the tears on the edge of her voice, "I don't think it would have lasted, not with the way I am."

"C'mon Mae. The way you are is just fine, it's almost perfect sometimes."

"Well, you have a really selective memory. I haven't exactly been a peach to be with."

It was true but he could forgive it and moreover, he was glad she realized it. "Well I've said some things, done some things I regret too. I uh, I could have thought more about you."

"Well that's stupid. Neither of us could have dealt with everything while the wounds were fresh. I mean neither of us was ready for any of that. Werewolves, zombies and ghosts… that we can deal with without batting an eye. But us? Well, together we could be really dangerous, really frightening if we got lost in each other again."

"Lost? You think we were lost?"

"I get lost when I'm with you. Everything I need to do and know I should do...falls apart when I'm with you because I just want to be with you. It's always been that way, even when we were kids. We were so in love with each other. And um, I know I got lost in that feeling. I mean, I always thought I'd shake that off eventually. I thought that feeling would go away. People say you remember your first love but that you wouldn't feel it after it was long gone. But to this day…"

"You still feel it." He finished for her.

She nodded before answering a whisper of a 'yeah'. Then she shook her head, and she brushed the tears that had rolled down her cheek away. She hadn't meant to admit all these things to him but talking with him had been so nice, so easy and it just came out because it felt right. She wanted to tell someone all these things, someone who cared and apparently someone who understood those things. "So, I guess my only other question is, after you had a chance to see if you loved this other girl, do you still...feel that way about me?"

"Yeah I do. It's a hell of a thing, Mae to have you own that piece of my heart. But you have, all these years."

She looked down at her hand, twisting that ring he gave her all those years ago. He asked her to wear it again and while she thought it was a irrational request, she did it. She hadn't taken it off either but she had started wearing again. She had always kept it close but not on her hand, not for years. It still fit and now felt natural to keep it on. Dean did the same thing with the ring that matched hers. He had never taken his off his ring finger, always wore it to keep her near him even when it seemed hopeless that they would ever feel that way again. He supposed that should have been a sign he was never really over her.

Those tears that she had been trying to fight so hard were rolling down her cheeks without stop now and she knew she couldn't keep them out of her voice. To her surprise though, there were so many other things she wanted to tell him, things she knew she wasn't ready to tell. But for the first time, it didn't feel like it would shatter the illusion of being able to love him and not lose him.

"I didn't mean to make you cry."

"You didn't. I just... I haven't thought about all this in a long time. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You can talk to me about it anytime you want." Dean said.

"I'm...I'm not used to that, you know? It's been a long time since... well, since I could talk to someone that actually knew me. It's a little… weird."

"Weird bad or weird good?"

"Weird good." Mae said softly.

"Good."