Chapter 14

Sam paced and fumed trying to work up the nerve or confidence to talk to Dean. He didn't know which because his first insistence was to blow in with righteous anger and insist, they get back on dad's trail, find him, and hunt down the demon, at all cost. It was the only thing that made sense. Except it didn't. And that nagging doubt was the one thing that kept him in check for the time being.

Maybe Dean was right, that despite months of searching and upending his life for this, they couldn't join up with their dad right now. Maybe his dad was right, and this fight hadn't even begun. Sam knew he was in a mood where he could easily throw aside any caution and go after anything and everything that got in his way to killing the demon.

Dean wasn't budging either. Even when is brother was being stubborn, Sam though he was usually able to convince him to do something differently. This time, however, he refused to hear another argument. Sam knew he was right but so was his brother. He didn't exactly know how they could both be right but that's the way it felt.

Mae must have been on Dean's side. Maybe she agreed with the tactic or, Sam though, she didn't want to rock the boat. But once this was all over, she and Dean would have plenty of time together, provided they all survived. And it was going to be easier to make it out of the fight with this demon if they all worked together. Right now, any of them going their separate way created additional targets without back up. Sam wondered if he shouldn't have gone off with their Dad. If he did that, undoubtedly Dean would have followed but maybe that was the right solution. It would have made him feel less useless than biding time in a motel did.

Mae's internal clock was off. When she woke this time, she was in less pain, but her joints and muscles were stiff. She was still cradled between his legs, his chest firmly against her back, and his arms rested loosely around her waist. His breath was even and deep. For a few minutes she let her breath match his, inhaling and exhaling when he did. If felt almost normal. At the very least, it was nice. She could have drifted right back to sleep in his arms, lulled by his steady breath and the warmth of his body enveloping her.

Somehow, Dean had managed to share her bed more times recently than anyone else. To her surprise and slight dismay, sleeping with him was restful, comfortable. Perhaps she was just too exhausted to do anything but sleep. He was warm though, keeping her back nice and toasty. She could feel his breath pleasantly on the back of her neck. His arm weighed down around her waist, keeping her securely in place. His other arm was stretched out over her head.

It was an intimate embrace and judging from his even breath, he slept too. She like his physical presence. Just like she had told him, she felt safe. She felt safe in a way she rarely did. She knew he couldn't really protect her from every evil thing out there, no one could. But in those quiet, calm moments when it was just the two of them with no static, no conflict, the rest of the world could fall away. Being with him, even after the night before, even given all the extremes between the two of them, this was comfortable, nice. And it absolutely wasn't part of her plan.

She had a very specific mission, a very specific hunt she was committed to and the boys, their problems, and specifically Dean were a deviation she didn't think she could afford. Yet, she didn't want to lose this, to lose him. She knew that Dean would frown, say something snarky if she told him that she felt nice and comfortable with him. No, he would much rather hear about the lust and passion she felt. That was there too, of course, but this was his most dangerous weapon that she knew could wear down her resolve.

Carefully, she extracted herself from under his protective hold., making sure she didn't wake him up as she slid his hands away from her midsection and eased herself away from his body. She glanced at her watch. They'd slept for a good chunk of the morning and they could all benefit from a good meal, or even a bad one at that point.

At the foot of the bed, Mae looked back at young man, still asleep. With a soft sigh, she stepped back to the side of the bed to discreetly tuck him in. "Dammit Dean." she whispered, pressing a faint kiss to his mouth, "I love you."

With somber, she dressed. Jeans, t-shirt, button down flannel, boots. Then, she ever so quietly grabbed her keys and slipped out of the room.

He was expecting his brother but to Sam's surprise, it was Mae who had knocked on his door.

"Good, you're up." Taking in his scratched and bruised face, she frowned. "You get any sleep?"

He had cleaned up, butterfly bandages on the deeper wounds, mirroring hers and his brother's. They could probably write them off as the result of some minor car accident or some such thing were, they asked by a nosy clerk or waitress. "A little," he said, crossing his arms, "What do you want? Dean send you over here to talk sense into me?"

"No. I thought maybe you'd want to pick something up to eat. You must be hungry. I know I am."

"Where is he?"

Mae fought the smile that tried to creep over her lips. He was in a quarrelsome mood, that much was evident. He used to have the same expression when they were children. Even though she now had to tilt her head up rather than down to look him in the eye, it was still the same. She knew that shouldn't have amused her and he would undoubtedly assumed she was laughing at his annoyance if she let even a smirk escape. "Still asleep. I thought it would do him good."

"Yeah well, bitching about how wrong I am all night probably wore him out. I assume that's what you two were doing."

"Do you really want me to tell you what your brother and I got up to by ourselves, in a motel room?"

Sam closed his eye, trying to push that image out of his head. "Good point. So... you're here to lecture me on your own."

"Dude, food. Do you want to come with? Do you want me to pick something up for you? We gotta eat."

His eyes narrowed. "That's really the only reason you came over?"

"Yup."

"Huh."

"But you are geared up for an argument."

He almost laughed. "Kinda."

With a one shouldered shrug, she offered a tight-lipped smile. "Well...let me in, you can argue with me if you want."

After a pause, he stepped aside, letting her in the room. It was exactly the same as the one she and Dean were sharing, right down to the strange abstract painting of pastel colors and shapes. She wasn't sure if it started out that way or if age and sun had faded it to that point. Either way, it got not points for style.

The room was both devoid of things but somehow empty. There was a king bed, lights attached to the walls, a small and scuffed table, two chairs, dresser with TV and Sam's laptop, a small closet, and the sink and mirror just outside the bathroom. The bed was unmade but it didn't seem like Sam had unpacked anything, so he must have slept a little. The pair took their seats at the table. They didn't argue. Sam told Mae all the things he had told Dean and she didn't bicker or dispute his points. She just listened before she leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees.

"Sam, let me ask you something, what's your end game here?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean with this hunt, with this demon, what are you planning?"

Shrugging, he let his eyes drift away from hers. "Find it and make it pay. If dad's right, we kill it. It's that simple."

"That simple, huh?"

"I'm not in the mood to solve some kind of riddle or work through some deep-seated emotional shit with you right now Mavis."

Her eyes lingered on his profile a moment before she leaned back in the creaky chair. "I see three possible scenarios. How it plays out." She held up her index finger. "One, you hunt this thing and hunt it for years, but you never find it. Maybe you get killed by some side gig or... maybe you even die of old age. There are a lot of different things that could happen to you if you never find."

His eyes locked on hers as she counted on her second finder. "Two, you find it, but it kills you. Maybe it takes out a lot of people doing in doing it, but you end up dead none the less." she raised the third finger, "Three, you hunt it, you find it, you kill it. And then what?"

He had only entertained one of those scenarios. The third one. He had even dreamed about what he'd done when it was done. He tried to ignore the fact that his dad had not been able to get to the bottom of their mother's death in a handful of months. Sam rolled his eyes. "I don't know Mae. It doesn't really matter does it?"

"Maybe. I don't know. But listen..." Mae paused, ordering her thoughts, "I know what you're going though-"

"You couldn't possibly." He interrupted, "I get that you grew up like this, same as Dean and me but you...I don't even think Dean gets it because all he lost was mom and that was so long ago."

"It doesn't really get better with time. It just gets...different. And knowing what happened, not just having those vague childhood memories, that's what makes it worse. When you know what took a loved one died...and maybe if you had put it all together sooner or better, you could have stopped it. At least your dad was a normal guy when your mom was killed. I mean, maybe. Maybe what normal people do is believe the story about an electrical fire or an attacker or whatever."

Sam sat now, a furrow in his brow but he leaned forwarded to hear more of her rambling tale. "What are you talking about?"

Her eyes closed. "Most people...most people don't turn into this." she gestured around the room, "We're hardly the first people to get touched by something evil, demon or otherwise. Somehow, they can pick up and move on with their lives. But when you can't, when you know what did this to you, and you know if you were still hunting or had been doing your job at least a little better, they'd be alive. Now, you're stuck with that guilt."

"Did Dean tell you about my dreams about Jessica?"

Frowning, she shook her head, and opened her eyes cautiously. She knew about the dreams, of course but no specifics, outside of the one she'd been a part of during their last hunt. "No. What dreams?"

"Nothing. I just...I had dreams about before...and they were exactly what ended up happening. I just thought...I don't know what I thought, certainly not that she'd be killed by a demon."

Sam expected her to explain it away, like his brother had. Mae just nodded. "Hell of a thing knowing that you knew all along what would happened and maybe you could have done something. Even if it's illogical, knowing you know how to stop these things. And that just makes the guild spiral more. It deepens all that anger and resentment. So you decide to put your whole life on hold to make things right, even the score. You know it won't bring them back, you know if they knew maybe they'd even hate what you are now, but you don't care."

There was so much in her mind right then and it all kept spilling out now. Mae continued. "You just know that this thing, this evil thing needs to die. And you follow that. It eats at you, blinds you to...everything." Her eyes drifted closed. "But that feeling, as much as you hate it, feels better than anything else. You know that you really should feel all the...hopelessness, grief, guilt, and actually morn. But none of that feels as good as the thought of revenge. You have this..." her fist clenched at her side a moment, "dark thing inside you that makes...well, it makes it harder to be...normal again. Because you convince yourself that as soon as this is done, you go back to the real you. Except maybe that you also died when that demon smashed through your life. So you're left this this bitter, hollow...thing. Maybe you can't ever be whole again. So, what are you going to do when all this done?"

"Mae...well, that was an oddly specific hypothetical. What happened to you?"

Her eyes opened again. She had gone into an almost trance-like state as she recalled that dark, angry thing inside her. Her gaze drifted, back to that godawful painting for a moment and then snapped back to Sam. "Don't change the subject. I'm tell you I understand because I really do. I'm also telling you that no amount of...anger or determination makes this happen overnight. I've been hunting a specific demon for years. Your dad has been at it for decades. Are you ready to chase this thing for years?"

"Dad said they're close, that he's close."

She shook her head. "Sam, he told me the same thing 3 years ago. Maybe he's closer now but he always thinks he's close and he never has been. Are you prepared to lose that lead, to think you're so close only to have it slip away?"

"You think this is pointless then? That I'm never going to-"

"I'm saying I don't know but...I do know you will burn out if you go this hot, this high, the whole time. And if you find it or not, you'll be worse on the other side of it. And if you don't cool down and take this like a hunter, think about this logically, you'll get yourself or someone else killed."

"You mean Dean."

"Maybe. Or maybe you screw up and get a civilian killed. All I know is that... I get you're in a place where you don't particularly care if this takes you out in the process. Some days, that seems almost like the perfect solution. If it's trying to kill you...then maybe, it's okay if it happens because at least it's done. You tried your best and now your job is done. But are you willing to get your brother killed in the process?"

She wasn't wrong. Not about being willing to let his brother die on this hunt but the rest. Sometimes that did seem like an okay scenario. If he couldn't kill the demon, as long as he was taken out trying, it didn't really matter. "I'm not trying to get myself or anyone else killed here. I just need...I need to see this through."

"You're preaching to the converted here."

"You ever thing about...ending it?"

Her brow quirked. She was certain that Sam hadn't asked Dean that or even shared the possibility that he had that thought. "I... not anymore. With my luck, I'd end up being a vengeful spirit doomed to haunt some shitty motel and get turned into a tourist trap or something."

Sam chuckled. "I guess maybe you do understand, on some level what I'm dealing with. How?"

"You're a smart guy. You've figure it out already."

"I can guess the big parts but all the details..."

"You don't really need to know the finer points of my dealings with demons."

"Does Dean know?"

Her gazed shifted again and she frowned. "No."

"You should tell him."

"No. He'll try to...fix it. He'll help if he thinks he can help and... I won't take that risk."

"If you're not looking for help and you're not here to live out whatever his fantasy is...then this whole thing with him...you're just toying with him?"

That frown, along with her stone blue eyes softened. "No. This wasn't supposed to happen, me and him. And I haven't promised him something I can't give, the opposite in fact. But I can't tell him all this right now. And you know what's funny, is even though he said you boys and your dad needed to go separate ways for the same reason I can't go all in with your brother, I know he'd argue that it was different with us."

"So, he does know."

"I didn't come here to talk about me. I just... if you're looking for my two cents on this whole thing, I don't want you to make a dumb choice just because you're hungry for revenge."

"What's the smart choice?"

She shrugged. "That I couldn't tell you. I know if you want to stay at least a little more like your old self, taking a step back from time to time is the answer. And maybe having your brother by your side, annoying the hell out of you is the best thing for you right now."

His sigh seemed to deflate his whole frame as he sank in the old chair, then ran a hand through his hair. "What are you going to do when this is all over, with your life I mean?"

"Sam, this is just another hunt. When it's over, I move on to the next one."

He almost barked out a laugh. "What?"

"Just because this is personal doesn't mean it's different. Whoever I was before, she died. My demon killed her too. He destroyed that whole life. This is who I am now. What happens next is I move on to the next one, then the next one, and the next one. Maybe in between that I get to have some fun and then, there will be a job or a creature that gets me. Hopefully I've done enough good in my life to keep me out of hell but who knows. So that's what's next for me."

"Yeah but...you could try and have a normal life."

"I did. It didn't suit me and every tie I have to normal is gone. This is what I have now, and I don't have the energy to constantly fight my...nature.

"Are you saying I'm hopeless? That I can never..."

"Sam, I don't know. Maybe you are, maybe you aren't. I mean of all of us...you were the one who took to this the least. Maybe you can finish what you set out to do and then be done. Honestly, if that's what you want, then I really do hope you can. If that's the thing that would make you happy."

She knew he was trying to convince himself more than her, that he wanted her to say something that could give him comfort or reassurance. On some level, the both knew she couldn't. "But you...stopped hunting. It didn't make you happy." He said.

"As similar as our upbringings were, Bobby was much more in favor of kids being kids than your dad was. I mean, I did normal things too. I took dance classes for years, I was on the track team, I had to keep my grades up... self-defense, hunting, all the rest...I think he went along with it because he didn't want me to be caught by surprised or used because he was hunting. And I was so...insistent. But if he could have figured out a way to keep me safe and normal, well, he would have."

"Maybe we should have switched dads."

"You would have loved Catholic girls' school."

Sam snorted. "Yeah. So... what happened to you, to bring you back into the life?"

"I happened, Sam. Even before..." Mae paused. It would have been nice to get it off her chest and talking with Sam was easier than talking to Dean about it. But she could hardly do that to either of them. "well, after college, after all the things I distracted myself with and I settled down into kind of a normal life... I guess you could say I got bored. I started taking little side jobs. You know, spirits with unfinished business, cursed objects...easy stuff. And then...something I thought would be easy, something I thought I wanted to solve...it blew up in my face. And there was no going back after that. Now, here I am, in the middle of...this."

"You know, you're helping us with our thing, we could help you with yours. If you'd tell us what it is."

Mae only smiled sadly. "You...I know you boys would, okay? I do. And maybe I should take you up on it. But...if this demon you're hunting could use your friends and family against you, would you really bring them all along on a road trip?"

"When are you gonna tell Dean, you're leaving. Because I think he thinks you're here to stay."

She closed her eyes. Sam wasn't sure if she was on the verge of crying or not. "I'm not...I've told him that I have to finish the job I started. I can't stop just because I have feelings for... I've already seen him nearly die once, I'm not keen on going through that again and until I finish this...you know how you can't go back to your real life until you get the demon that took Jessica, I can't go back to mine until I've finished my hunt. C'mon man, do you want to pick something up for lunch with me or not?"

A/N-It looks like there was an error with the first posting of the chapter but it's fixed now. Thanks everyone for the lovely messages and reviews! One more chapter and then on to the next part!