Chapter 49: Take the Blame
"I just can't take it anymore. All this pressure to find the perfect person, to do good in school, to make another album bigger and better than the last, to be a perfect role model for kids," Kyle said, his hands coming up to his ears. All he could hear was the thumping of his own heart. "I can't take this pressure anymore. I don't wanna even be alive anymore!"
"Kyle," Jayda said shocked.
His heart was beating way too fast now. It was starting to get unbearable. Panic was setting in.
"What's the point anymore?" Kyle asked, slumping against his car. His breath was coming in short.
"Knock it off, you have so much left to live for. You made one mistake this doesn't define you," Jayda said.
"It's the same mistakes I've made over and over again. I cheated on Lilly with Jared and then Jared with Lilly, but we had broken up, and now…god maybe I should just end it all," Kyle said.
"Stop, don't even go there," Jayda said, frowning.
"Why? All those kids at school tell me that I should just end it," Kyle said looking out across the city. His heart was pounding in his ears still. It was getting louder.
"Are you ok?" Jayda asked, looking at him.
"M'fine," Kyle said. The thumping was getting louder. His chest felt tight now. His breath came in short pants.
"Kyle," Jayda said, stepping in front of him. "Slow down, take a breath."
He couldn't focus on her. His chest was tight. The thumping just wouldn't stop. No matter how hard he pressed his hands to his ears.
"What's wrong?" Jayda asked, prying his hands away. "Panic attack?"
Kyle dug into his pocket pulling out his pill bottle. He fumbled with it and it slipped from his grip. Jayda quickly picked it up.
"Kyle!" She gasped. "This isn't even yours? How many did you take?"
"All of them," Kyle said as his stomach started to churn. He felt like he might be sick.
Jayda pulled out her cellphone. Kyle slid until he was sitting on the ground. His legs couldn't hold him up anymore. He heard Jayda talking to someone but he wasn't sure who it was. He could barely hear her over the pounding of his own heart.
Suddenly she was in his face looking at him. She was talking rather fast. Most of it was about him.
"Shh," Kyle shushed her. She was being too loud.
"I don't know how long it's been. He just said he took all of them. I don't know how many there were," Jayda said, she then started rattling off directions to where they were. He turned away from her and puked. Jayda jumped back quickly. She was still talking to someone.
Kyle closed his eyes as he leaned back against his car. He just wanted this all to end. He didn't want to face the world anymore. He couldn't do it.
"Kyle, stay with me." She pleaded with him.
Things started getting fuzzy. Jayda's voice was fading in and out. He tried to focus on her, but the thumping was too loud. He was tired. He closed his eyes.
Suddenly he was in her arms. She was crying trying to keep him awake. He was clinging to her just as tight. He grabbed her arm squeezing tight. He needed to hold on to something to keep him grounded.
"Nooo," he said as sobs racked through him. He didn't want to be here anymore. Why didn't she understand that?
"Kyle, please hold on," Jayda said.
"I just wanna die," Kyle cried.
"You don't mean that," Jayda said, "please don't mean that. I need you here. Leora and Miles need you here. Jared needs you too. We all need you."
"I just wanna die," Kyle sobbed, clinging to her. "Let me die!"
Things started to fade again. He couldn't breathe. It hurt. His chest was tight. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't get a deep enough breath.
"Come on kid," a gruff voice drifted towards him. He had no idea who that was. Where was Jayda?
"Kyle! His name is Kyle."
There she was. She sounded scared. Why was she scared?
"Come on Kyle, we got you, come back to us," a gentler voice said. He felt a hand on his wrist. "We got him!"
Suddenly air came rushing back to him. He gasped as his lungs filled once more. He opened his eyes and looked around. He quickly realized he was in an ambulance with Jayda beside him. Tears streaked her face. He couldn't hear what she was saying anymore. He was tired.
In the blink of an eye he was somewhere new. There were lots of people in white coats and scrubs around him. Doctors, he told himself. This wasn't what he wanted. Why couldn't they just leave him alone.
"Kyle, stay with me!"
Kyle looked over at Logan. He was hooking up some machines. Kyle wasn't sure what they were doing. All he knew was that he hurt. Not just physically, but mentally. He wanted the pain to go away.
His heart was racing again. Along with the thumping he could hear a crazy beeping too. It matched the thumping in his chest.
"He's crashing!"
"Get the cart!"
He closed his eyes again. He didn't want to deal anymore. This was it. He was done. He wasn't gonna fight anymore. There was no point. He didn't deserve to make it through this one.
-Happy Mistakes-
Miles yawned as he sat back. He had been with Kyle all day and he hadn't woken up again.
Kyle had woken up briefly to a panic attack. He had no idea where he was or what was going on. He freaked out and almost ripped his IV out. Neither Miles nor Jared could get him to calm down. Miles had managed to get him to stop pulling at his IV long enough for the nurses to give him some medication to put him back to sleep.
Jared was sitting across the room now, on his phone. He was probably texting the other guys a little update on Kyle. Miles knew they were all curious. He would be too if he wasn't here with Kyle.
Kendall and James were off with Logan and Carlos again. They had shown up an hour ago after getting a few hours of shut eye. They were talking about a press release. There were already rumors circulating about Kyle. None of them were correct, not that Miles had seen yet. Then again he was trying to stay off his phone. He didn't want to see the negativity.
"So," Jared said slowly.
Miles looked up from the blonde to arch a brow at the other boy.
"You hungry?" Jared asked.
"Yeah, but hospital food sucks," Miles said.
"How about In-N-Out?" Jared asked.
"Yes, you running?" Miles asked.
"Noah is, he will text me when he's here," Jared said as he looked down at his phone once more.
"Double Double and fries," Miles said.
"I'll let him know," Jared said.
The two lapsed into silence once more. Their conversations all day had been short and vague. Miles didn't really know what to say to him. Jared was on the fence too. It seemed like he was upset, but he was very good at hiding it.
"Why are you buying me food?" Miles asked.
"Because I know you're hungry and like you said hospital food sucks," Jared said.
"You've been very kind to me, even though I'm the other guy," Miles said.
"Like I said before, I've known since day one that you can't have Kyle without Miles," Jared said shaking his head, "I've been expecting this sooner or later."
"But I only just-" Miles started.
"Come out? But have you heard the way you and Kyle talk to each other. It was very obvious you were into each other," Jared said.
"I'm like that with a lot of people, like look and me and you, we joke and I flirt all the time," Miles said.
"Yeah, but it's not the same as with Kyle," Jared said.
"Maybe we really were blind," Miles said, looking down at Kyle. He reached out and grabbed his hand, running his thumb over his knuckles. "I don't want to waste anymore time. I know how I feel now. I just…I never intended to hurt you in the process."
"I know," Jared replied, looking down at Kyle as well.
"I meant it earlier. He really does love you too," Miles said.
"Yeah, but I understand, I don't want to get in your way. You two have been building this up for years. I am not gonna stand in your way," Hared said.
"He won't let you bow out like that," Miles said.
"You think so?" Jared asked.
"Are you new?" Miles asked, arching a brow at the older boy. "He's fucking stubborn. It's how we ended up in this mess in the first place. He loves both of us and can't choose and I-I forced him to choose and you see how well that turned out."
"I suppose, but what are we gonna do? We can't both date him," Jared said.
Miles paused as he let that sink in. He opened his mouth to speak but was cut off as a nurse walked in. She greeted them both with a smile and small talk as she took vitals.
Once she left the two remained silent. Jared's words hung in the air. It made the most logical sense yes, but Miles wasn't logical. He wanted Kyle, but he didn't want to take him away from someone else. Especially Jared who complimented him so well. Kyle and Jared were the true opposites attract. Jared grew up rough much like Miles did, while Kyle had a cozy upbringing. He did his best to help others though.
Kyle always protected Miles growing up. He invited him over to his house all the time. He fought for him when no one else would, and then introduced him to Jayda who protected him just as fiercely. Kyle would always drop anything to be at his side. How he never realized he was in love with his best friend boggled him now. If only they had realized it sooner. Maybe they wouldn't be in this mess right now.
Miles looked up as someone knocked at the door. He smiled as he saw Jayda. He waved her over.
"Anything?" she asked making her way over to him.
"He woke up briefly this morning, but they had to sedate him again because he was panicking and fighting," Miles replied.
"They said it could be a while still before he wakes up again," Jared said, standing up and stretching. "Take a seat."
"I don't wanna take your spot," Jayda said
"I was about to take a walk anyways, Noah should be here with our food soon," Jared said.
He made his exit. Jayda took his empty seat. She gave Miles a confused look.
"He's got just as much right to be here as I do," Miles said looking down at Kyle once more. "We both care about him and both feel really guilty for missing his call."
"It's not either of your guys' fault," Jayda said.
"Maybe, but it sure feels like it," Miles sighed, falling back in his chair. He reached out and grabbed Kyle's hand. "Dude, you gotta wake up. We need you," he said looking at the blonde.
"He will," Jayda said slowly.
"They're talking about brain damage Jay, that he might not be the same," Miles said.
"Well then that's what he's got us for. We will help him in any way we can," Jayda said.
"I know, I'm just saying, it's not looking good," Miles said.
"Where are Kendall and James?" Jayda asked.
"Strategizing with Dad and Papi in his office on how to handle the press, probably eating food," Miles replied.
"I see, have you eaten yet?" Jayda asked.
"No, but Jared's getting us food delivered from Noah," Miles replied.
"You two seem to be getting along," Jayda said.
"I know it's weird, but like we have an unspoken truce right now, we are both here for Kyle, because we both care for Kyle," Miles said.
—Happy Mistakes—
Kendall bounced his leg as he listened to Kelly through the phone. He was currently in Logan's office again when he wanted to be upstairs with Kyle. Instead Kelt was helping him work out this PR nightmare that was about to happen.
Logan and Carlos had shown up about an hour ago with food. Miles declined to join them. They had spent most of the time talking about what to do about the press.
Overnight word had gotten out and rumors were circulating already. They needed to prepare a statement to get this under control for the moment he knew once the whole truth came out it was going to be a mess. However, Kelly had things under control. She was already working on a small press release about Kyle that didn't involve any information on his suicide attempt or the drugs. She was truly amazing and Kendall did not deserve a friend like her.
"Kelly," Kendall sighed. He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees. He was tired. He just wanted to be with Kyle.
"Don't worry I've got this fire under control," Kelly said.
"Are you sure? I could be there in-" Kendall started.
"Nope, you stay with Kyle. You focus on him and make sure he's ok," Kelly said.
"Kelly you're amazing," James said.
"I know, you know I'd do anything for you guys," Kelly said.
"Yes and we appreciate it," Logan said.
"Thanks Kel," Carlos said.
"Guys don't mention it, just keep me updated, ok," Kelly said.
"Will do," Kendall said. They hung up after a quick goodbye.
Kendall sat back in his chair once more. His food long forgotten. He wasn't even that hungry anymore.
"Look Ken, I know you don't wanna hear this, but maybe you and James need to go home for a few hours and sit with the others. Just relax and talk to them," Logan said.
"Yeah, Leora is taking this so hard, she's blaming herself because of their argument," Carlos said.
"Guys I understand but-" James started.
"No they are right," Kendall said slowly. James's head whipped towards him, shocked. "Just for an hour or two. I'm sure Jenny misses us and we need to really sit down with the other three and talk."
"Kendall," James said.
"Just for a little bit. We need to get out of this hospital. Kyle is sedated again and won't wake up for a while. I'm sure Miles will call once he does," Kendall said.
"Yeah, maybe going home and taking a shower wouldn't hurt either," James said.
"Yes, go home and shower, change, talk to your kids," Logan said.
"We can stay here too and call you if anything changes," Carlos offered.
"Thanks Los," Kendall said smiling at his best friend. He stood and held a hand out to James. James sighed and took his hand.
"I will keep you updated," Logan promised.
"I'll have my phone on so just call," Kendall said. He led James from the office.
The walk to their car was silent. Neither of them really knew what to say. Kendall stopped at the car and turned to James. He could see how tired he was. He was sure that he didn't look much better.
"He's gonna be ok Ken," James said slowly. "He's gonna be ok."
—Happy Mistakes—
Jake yawned as he leaned against the rail of the back porch. He was still at Carlos and Logan's house. No one had left, aside from Carlos and Logan. Everyone was inside talking and laughing and playing with the kids. Layla was loving Eli. She was playing with him and taking care of him.
Jake had just needed a moment to himself. He loved his siblings, but it was all too much. He was still trying to process everything. He was sure they were too. It was a hard concept to believe. Part of him wanted to believe that this wasn't even true. There was no way Kyle would try to commit suicide, but he did. How had Jake missed this? How had anyone missed it? Kyle had never shown any indication that he was feeling that down or low. Kyle was his little carefree brother. Except he wasn't, Kyle was basically an adult now. Leora too. They were all grown up and had complex lives of their own they were starting.
Jake sighed as he hung his head. How had they all gotten so grown up?
"Hey."
Jake looked over his shoulder as Lilly stepped out onto the porch. She closed the door behind her.
"Hey," Jake replied.
"He's gonna be ok, right?" She asked as she walked over to him. She leaned back on the railing.
"Kids got nine lives," Jake said slowly, "let's hope he hasn't used them all already."
"Yeah," Lilly said.
"What's up?" Jake asked.
"What?" Lilly asked, confused.
"You didn't come out here to just talk about Kyle. I can tell there's something more you wanna say," Jake said.
"Yeah, I have a question actually and I don't know who else to ask," Lilly said timidly.
"What?" Jake asked.
"I know it's not the same, but how did you know you had postpartum depression," Lilly asked looking down at the ground.
"Oh," Jake said.
"Yeah, I've been talking with a friend from school. She's a psych major and told me that even though I lost the baby I could still get postpartum depression," Lilly said.
"I realized it when I would look at Damien and Eli and watch them connect and bond and I didn't feel that bond. I didn't love my baby," Jake said looking out into the yard.
"I still think about her all the time," Lilly said softly.
"I would imagine so," Jake said, reaching over and placing a hand on her shoulder. "I can't imagine how hard that would be to carry a baby almost to full term like that and then lose her. I would be devastated."
"I was, I mean I am," Lilly said, tears springing to her eyes. "I was ready to step up and tell Kyle I wanted to be a part of her life. I was ready and as soon as I was ready she had other plans."
"Oh," Jake said, shocked.
"Like what did I do wrong? Why me? Why her? She didn't do anything wrong? It was me, I made the mistake and I was ready to own up to it," Lilly said, her tears flowing freely now.
Jake pulled her into a hug. He wasn't sure what else to say to her. He just knew she needed comfort and to know she wasn't alone.
"Lilly, have you talked to anyone else about this?" Jake asked softly.
"No," Lilly said, taking a step back. "I convinced myself that it couldn't be postpartum because I didn't have my baby, I just told myself I was grieving her death and it would go away and it hasn't…and…and Janel, my friend, she told me it could still happen. Like my body still went through that change. I just don't have the baby to show for it."
Lilly hung her head as she wiped at her tears. She took a few breaths before looking up at Jake.
"Hey it's ok," Jake said, placing a hand on her shoulder. "I get it, you don't wanna think about it. I told myself it would go away on its own."
"I just don't know what to do," Lilly said slowly.
"That's ok," Jake said, "it's a process and it's a hard one. I don't know how you handle it alone. I don't know where I would be without Damien by my side."
"I am barely holding it together to be honest," Lilly admitted. "I've already dropped a class and might drop a second."
"Don't," Jake said, "talk to your professors. Get an extension. Trust me they are a lot more forgiving than you think. You just gotta talk to them."
"Ok, I'll try that first." Lilly nodded
"And now you've got me. If you ever need anyone to talk to, call me," Jake said.
"I know," Lilly relied, trying to blink back her tears. She looked away from Jake. "It's just been so hard being away from family and friends. I have no one up there really. There's a few people I have a couple classes with but like that's it. We study together but we don't talk much."
"I know what it's like, that first semester is the worst. I may have well as been across the country for how much I saw family," Jake said, "I barely saw Damien too. It was so weird. Like I was all alone transitioning and Damien and I had very different schedules and barely had time together. Then dad and Adam had just had Jenny and Miri and we're always busy with them. So I get the loneliness part."
"Does it ever get easier," Lilly asked.
"A little, you'll figure out college and know how to handle that, and once you get that under control life will throw another curve ball," Jake said.
"Gee, sounds wonderful," Lilly replied.
"Oh trust me kid, adulthood is a scam and totally not worth it," Jake said.
"Agreed," Lilly chuckled.
"But it's not like we have a choice. All we can do is keep on keeping on." Jake said.
"Thanks, you're the best big brother ever," Lilly said, giving him a small smile. She leaned over resting her head on his shoulder.
"No problem," Jake replied, resting his head on hers. "I do what I can and you know that you and Layla are like little sisters to me."
As complicated as everything was, it was the little moments that mattered. Moments of family. Jake knew that they would make it through this together. They always did.
—Happy Mistakes—
James yawned as he sat down on bed watching as Kendall got dressed. They had left the hospital and come home to shower and freshen up. They were gonna head over and see the others before they returned to Kyle. However they were taking things a bit slower than James would have liked. He wanted to be with Kyle.
Kendall was moving slowly though. He hadn't really said a word since they left the hospital. James didn't know what to say to him. This was totally new territory for them. Uncharted waters and they were drowning fast.
"Ken," he said softly.
Kendall's shoulder sank as he fiddled with one of his flannels. James watched them shudder for a moment. Kendall looked up at him as the tears started. He jumped up, crossing the room quickly, pulling the blonde into his arms.
"I feel like I failed," Kendall sobbed.
"Me too," James said his own tears threatening to fall, "but we did the best we could. There is no manual for parenting, much less something like this. We had no idea he was going to do this. He probably had no idea until it happened."
"There had to be an inkling, James," Kendall snapped, taking a step back. "We missed it. We missed the signs, and we let him go."
"I know and regret it too, but we can't change things," James said.
"I know, but how did we miss this?" Kendall asked. He started pacing.
"I…I don't know," James said crossing the room. He sat down once more.
Kendall paused, looking at James. He moved to sit beside him, taking James' hands in his. He looked down at them as he chose his next words carefully.
"I'm sorry James, I just…I don't know what to think," Kendall admitted softly. "I never thought we would have to deal with this."
"Yeah, me either," James said. He brought the blonde's hands up to his lips. He kissed his knuckles. "I know that blaming ourselves or each other isn't gonna help the situation."
"I know," Kendall said. He leaned in and kissed James. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap."
"I know, I am just as lost as you," James replied.
He yawned as he rested his head against Kendall's shoulder. He hadn't slept well last night. Between the waiting room and Kyle's room, sleep had been impossible.
Kendall moved them so they were laying on the bed. He pulled James close. Neither of them said a word. He just laid there, taking comfort from one another.
James' eyes felt heavy. He wanted to be with Kyle, but he was too tired to move from Kendall's embrace. A short nap wouldn't hurt. He felt Kendall shift and squirm. He cracked an eye open as Kendall pulled his phone from his pocket. He watched as he set an alarm and tossed it aside.
"Sleep," Kendall mumbled as he pulled James close once more. "Logan will call. Or the alarm will go off."
James hummed in response as he leaned into Kendall. He closed his eyes once more. A little sleep wouldn't hurt. Kyle wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. They would be no use to anyone if they were tired.
—Happy Mistakes—
Jared made his way outside. He saw Noah and Roldy's car parked a little ways away. He made his way over. He noticed the car was full. He was sure they were all worried about Kyle. He walked up as Noah rolled the window down.
"Sorry, I tried to sneak out," Noah said.
"It's ok," Jared said as he leaned against the window. He greeted the other three in the car.
"Sorry, we know they are probably limiting company, but we just wanted to come make sure you were ok," Matt said.
"I understand," Jared said, "there hasn't been much change. He woke up once in a panic and Miles and I had to practically hold him down so they could get close enough to sedate him."
"That bad?" Roldy asked.
"Yeah, he had no idea what was even going on," Jared said.
"How are you doing?" Penelope asked.
"Me?" Jared asked, "I'm not sure yet."
"Jared-" Penelope started.
"I just feel numb right now," Jared admitted. "I don't know what to feel. Like on the one hand I love him and it hurts to see him like this, but on the other hand I'm scared about what's gonna happen when he wakes up."
"Scared of what?" Roldy asked.
"Nothing it's just…I should get back up there," Jared said. "Where's my food?"
"Oh yeah," Noah said, turning around to Penelope. She handed the food over.
"Jared-" Roldy started.
"Forget it, it's stupid," Jared shook his head. "I'll keep you guys updated."
He turned and walked away. He was just being ridiculous. No need to make them worry about him.
"Jared."
Jared turned around and barely had time to catch Penelope as she ran up to him throwing her arms around him in a hug, as best she could around her belly.
"It's ok Jared, you feel what you feel and your feelings are real," She said looking up at him. "Don't push them away just to be macho."
"Thanks Pen," Jared said, his lip trembling. It betrayed him. It was like a damn broke as tears came.
Penelope guided him over to a bench. She took the food from him and set it aside. Jared hung his head. He felt Penelope move beside him. She was waving at the guys. Jared looked up, they were all out of the car standing there waiting for him. Jared shook his head. Penelope motioned them away.
"I'm sorry," Jared said softly.
"Don't be, your feelings are valid Jared," Penelope assured him.
"Can we not do this out here?" Jared asked, looking around self-consciously.
"I'll walk you back up," Penelope offered. "Wait here."
She stood and walked over to the car. She stopped next to Matt. Jared watched them argue for a moment until Penelope crossed her arms and said something that looked final. Matt turned to the other two and said something. The three of them got back in the car. Jared gave a weak chuckle as she walked back over.
"You're scary sometimes," Jared said.
"Come on, I don't want those jerks making you feel worse," Penelope said.
"Not like they would do it on purpose," Jared said.
"But they are emotionally stunted like you," Penelope said, "no offense."
"None taken, I am probably the most emotionally stunted of the group to be honest," Jared said as they walked inside.
He led her to the elevator. Once inside he leaned against the back wall. He took a breath. Penelope opened her mouth to speak, but Jared cut her off.
"What if he wakes up and doesn't want me here?" Jared asked, his tears threatening to come back. He looked away from her.
"You can't think like that," Penelope said.
"But what if he doesn't? What if he only wants Miles there and not me?" Jared asked, finally saying it out loud.
"If there is one thing I am sure about is he is gonna need you both in the coming days. Whether any of you are dating or not, he's gonna need support. You and Miles are his best friends," Penelope said.
"I basically broke up with him, Pen, we haven't talked in almost a week," Jared said shaking his head.
"So what, you got into an argument and sure things are uncertain right now, but he cares about you, I've seen the way you two are together and you guys are just so opposite you work," Penelope said.
"But him and Miles are better. They have something deeper and worth more-" Jared started.
"You can't think like that," Penelope said, shaking her head. "Don't discredit everything you two have been through together. You two have an amazing bond, I mean he came back to you after that car accident and he forgot everything. He still found his way back to you."
Jared stood there letting that sink in. She was right. Kyle had come to him. They reforged thay bond and came out stronger in the end. Kyle had been there for him when no one else was. Kyle had been there for him with Jill and Carly. He had helped him through it all without a single complaint of it not being his problem.
"You two have something wonderful, don't throw it away because you think you don't deserve happiness," Penelope said as the elevator came to a stop.
"Thanks Pen," Jared said.
"Anytime, just keep us updated," Penelope said, handing over his food. "Just take it one step at a time."
"I will, thanks," Jared said.
—Happy Mistakes—
Leora smiled as she played with Miri and Jenny. She was trying to distract herself. It was mostly working. The two toddlers had no idea what was going on. They were just happy to be together and have Leora playing with them.
The three of them were currently in the Mitchell living room. No one had left yet. They all wanted to be together. They were waiting for news on Kyle. Layla and Lucas were across the room with Cooper and Damien talking and laughing about a movie they had all seen recently. Adam had left to get bubbas for the girls and Jake was taking care of Eli at the moment.
Eventually Jenny and Miri ran to the other side of the room to play with their toys. Leora backed up against the wall to watch them. She was a little jealous. They were so carefree. They had no idea what Kyle was fighting for his life right now. They had no idea how complicated the world was. Leora longed to go back to a time when things were simpler.
"Hey."
Leora looked up as Jake walked into the room. He had two sippy cups in his hands. Jenny and Miri ran to him, snatching the cups with such ferocity he jumped back.
"Animals," Jake said as he walked over to Leora. He sat down beside her.
"Yeah, they are feral demons and I've tried releasing them to the wild but Adam and Pops keep bringing them back," Leora replied. Jake laughed at that.
"I can't wait for Eli to hit his terrible twos. It's gonna be a nightmare," Jake groaned.
"Oh yeah, cherish the infant time while you can. Soon he will be crawling and then walking and talking and then it's all over," Leora said, "Jenny's new favorite thing is to hide in her stuffed animal pile and to say no and hit the table to get her own way."
"Fun," Jake said, shaking his head. They fell silent as they watched Jenny and Miri argue in toddler speak. "So, how are you doing?"
"Me?" Leora asked, confused.
"Yes you," Jake chuckled, "I know you and Kyle are close despite the argument."
"I just feel bad that the last things we said to each other were so mean," Leora said looking down at her feet. "He was trying to apologize and I just wanted to be spiteful. I wanted to be mad at him so I was mad. It didn't matter what he said, I was still hurting and I egged him on."
"Siblings fight, have you forgotten how many broken bones Adam and I gave each other?" Jake asked.
"Oh yeah, Jake was so jealous of how I was the favorite," Adam joked as he entered the room.
"You wish," Jake replied, flipping him off.
Adam crossed the room being sure to kick Jake's foot as he passed him. He sat down on Leora's other side.
"All jokes aside, we fought a lot and wanted to kill each other at times, but I think we turned out pretty ok," Adam said looked over at Jake.
"Age and children have mellowed you out a bit," Jake replied.
"Age?" Adam asked.
"Yeah, you're getting old just like dad," Leora said.
"Excuse you ma'am I am only twenty, thank you very much," Adam said indignantly.
"That's older than me," Leora replied.
"She's got you there," Jake laughed.
Leora laughed as well. Adam cracked a smile and looked away not wanting to laugh.
Leora took a breath, a small smile playing across her face. She placed an arm around both her brothers. She pulled them in for a hug.
"Thanks guys," Leora said, "I needed this."
"It'll be ok Le," Jake said leaning on her.
"Yeah, he's stable and Logan will make sure he gets the best care," Adam said.
"I hope so," Leora said.
"Baba!"
Miri and Jenny ran over to Adam.
"A-am!"
"What is it, baby girl?" Adam asked as he caught Miri. She was waving her sippy cup around. "All done?" He asked.
"Yea," Miri said.
"Good job," Adam said, holding his hand up for a high five. Miri gave him a high five before climbing down and running off. Jenny handed her cup over with a high five as well.
"They are so sassy and spunky, when did they get so big," Leora said watching the two play together.
"I know it just flew by, one minute Miri is a baby nearly dying in the hospital and next she's a whirlwind of destruction with my attitude and Cooper's charm," Adam said.
"That's a dangerous mix," Jake said.
"Oh yeah," Adam nodded his head.
"Let's not forget Jenny, she's an evil mastermind. She can climb out of her playpen when she wants to, and hiding is her specialty," Leora said.
"Let's hope she doesn't teach Miri that," Adam said.
The three of them sat there watching the girls play together. Adam kept the conversation going avoiding the topic of Kyle for now. It would do them no good to worry.
"Hello?"
"Is anybody home?"
Leora looked up as Kendall and James entered the living room together. Leora scrambled to her feet. She ran to give them both a hug. Jake and Adam helped one another to their feet. They greeted them as Jenny and Miri ran up to them as well.
Kendall scooped up both girls in a tight hug. James gave each toddler a hug before Adam broke the silence.
"So, any changes?" Adam asked.
"Not much, he woke up briefly this morning but he panicked and they had to sedate him for his own safety," Kendall said.
"Logan and Carlos are with him right now, we wanted to come see how you guys were doing," James said.
"Just waiting for news," Leora said.
Leora led them into the room. Damien and scooper made room on the couch for them. Everyone sat down together. Jenny and Miri didn't leave Kendall and James's laps. They were happy to have them here. Chatter was light and superficial, but distracting.
Everyone fell silent when Kendall's phone rang. He answered it quickly, jumping up and passing Miri to Adam. James had to stop Leora from following him from the room. Everyone waited in silence staring at where he had left the room.
He returned and James stood arching a brow at him. Kendall paused for a moment.
"That wasn't Logan," Kendall said, "we need to talk."
"Who-?" James asked. Kendall shook his head. James crossed the room and left with him telling the others to stay put.
Cooper grabbed Adam's wrist pulling him back down beside him while Jake stopped Leora. Leora frowned at Jake.
"If he wanted us to know, he would have said it here," Jake said.
"Yeah, relax," Cooper said to Adam.
Kendall and James returned to the room. Leora looked up at them. Kendall looked at James before looking at his children.
"Lilly, Layla, Lucas, can we have a moment," James asked. The three Mitchell kids nodded and jumped up.
Once they were gone Kendall sighed. He opened his mouth and paused for a moment.
"Dad," Adam said.
"I need to know now, did any of you know that Kyle was using?" Kendall asked bluntly.
"You act like he's a drug addict," Leora said.
"At this point we don't know," Kendall said, "I don't want any more surprises. Did any of you know?" He asked, looking around the room.
"He kept it a secret! Of course we didn't know," Leora said, jumping up. "The only person he seems to trust anymore is Miles."
"Leora I just need to know," Kendall said. "I don't want any more surprises."
"Kendall relax," James said.
"Relax? My son is fighting for his life from what I hope is an accidental overdose. He could still die from this by the way, or when he wakes up there could be severe brain damage. And now I have the LAPD breathing down my neck accusing me of giving him the drugs, you think I can relax?" Kendall snapped.
"What?" Damien asked.
"The kid who gave Kyle the pills identified Rocque Records producers as his source, but wouldn't say which one, and now they are searching the building. Gustavo called to give him a heads up that he was served a search warrant," James explained.
"Did either of you know," Kendall asked looking at Jake and Adam. Jake and Adam shared a look. "How long?"
"Kendall," James said.
"Christmas," Jake said slowly. "We were talking and he told me he was taking Adderall but that he was done. We talked a few more times after that and he told me he was done and Miles confirmed he had gotten rid of the pills and then Damien's accident happened and I just pushed it aside."
"Christmas," Kendall said slowly.
"Yeah, I know I should have told you guys but…he swore up and down he was done. The times I asked him he was done. It must've just been recently with everything going on," Jake said.
"You should have told us," Kendall said.
"I know and I'm sorry, but you don't make it easy," Jake said.
"Yeah, I only found out a week, when Jake let it slip," Adam said slowly.
"This is something you keep from us," Kendall said, "if we knew we could have possibly stopped this from happening."
"I'm sorry, I know I just…I tried helping him and I knew he'd stop trusting me if I told you," Jake said.
"That is not your decision to make, you are not his parent, you are his brother," Kendall said.
"This is why we don't come to you," Jake said, jumping up.
"Hey let's cool it," James said, stepping between the two.
"Sorry, I'm not mad at you Jake, it's the situation I'm mad at. Everything just keeps coming at us and it just gets worse and worse," Kendall sighed.
"I'm sorry but I made a judgement call and tried to help him. I know I should've told you but up through February-March he wasn't using," Jake said.
"So then, what changed? What made him start again?" Cooper asked.
"Pressure," Jake said, "from dad and pops, from Miles and Jared, from the upcoming tour, from school. He tried so hard to be perfect and do it all and he was there for everyone, but no one was there for Kyle. No one except Jared and Miles."
"Sounds like you two talked," Adam said.
"Yeah, I really tried to help him, I told him he had us here too, but he didn't want to be a burden. He wanted to prove he could do it all," Jake said.
"Kind of like someone else I know," James said. Kendall turned to James with a small glare. "Don't even, you know you are the same way. You spread yourself way too thin and you stress way too hard about it and don't tell anyone."
"Yeah, didn't you have a stress induced heart attack," Damien asked.
"Ok you made your point," Kendall said, "It's been a rough twenty four hours."
His phone started ringing again. He fished it from his pocket.
"It's Logan," Kendall said as he answered it. "Is he awake?" He paused as he listened to Logan. "Slow down. English please doc." He held a hand up to the others as they tried asking about Kyle. Kendall stood and exited the room again.
"Is Kyle awake?" Leora asked once he returned.
"Not yet, he said some more labs came back and the doctor wants to talk to us," Kendall said, turning to James.
"Labs?" James asked, confused.
"Not sure, he was in doctor mode and talking very fast. You know how he gets," Kendall said.
"Right, we should get going," James said standing up.
"No!" Jenny said, making grabby hands at Kendall. "No go!"
"Sorry Jenny-Bee, we gotta go, you need to stay. You can play with Miri," Kendall said, scooping her up in his arms. He gave her a hug and a kiss. "We will be back as soon as we can." He promised.
"You guys go, we can watch her again," Adam said, standing up and trying to take her from Kendall. Jenny started whining and protesting. She clung to Kendall, who in turn clung to her. "Dad you can let go."
"Kendall no," James said.
"But James," Kendall said, hugging the toddler close. "She's my baby."
"You're only making her separation anxiety worse," James sighed.
"Her separation anxiety? What about him?" Jake asked, gesturing at Kendall.
"Yes I have separation anxiety and I don't care. You've known this since Jake and Adam were little," Kendall said to James.
"Well I had hoped this time around would be different," James sighed. "As much as I would love to take her with us, we have more important things to worry about. At least here she's got Miri to keep her company."
"Don't use logic on me, it never works," Kendall said. James stepped up to the blonde and carefully took Jenny into his arms.
"Sorry Jenny, but you gotta stay with Adam and Cooper right now," James said, passing her over to Adam. He grabbed Kendall's arm and led him from the room.
—Happy Mistakes—
Kendall leaned back in his chair. He was sitting beside Kyle. He had yet to wake up again. He had arrived back at the hospital not long go with James. They had talked with the ICU doctork who said some routine labs had come back strange. Logan helped translate for him, some a a his labs were high and others were low. It could be nothing but it could be something serious so they did a redraw and we're running everything again to make sure it wasn't just a fluke.
Kendall was currently alone with Kyle. Jared was off updating the guys and probably just chatting to get his mind off things. Carlos had left once he and James arrived back at the hospital. He was gonna go sit with the others. Logan had taken Miles and Jayda for a walk. Miles was getting restless and Jayda had to force him to leave. James had gone to use the restroom.
Kendall sighed as he leaned forward in his chair. He looked at Kyle. He looked so frail and broken. He hated seeing him this way. It happened all too often, especially for Kyle.
He couldn't count how many times he had ended up worrying over Kyle over the years. Multiple broken limbs. Twice broken nose. A concussion from falling out of a tree house at the lake house in Minnesota when he was ten. Two car accidents. The school bombing. Each accident had been worse thay the next. It seemed bad luck just seemed to find Kyle.
Kendall reached over and grabbed his hand. Tears slipping down his cheeks. He bit his upper lips trying to hold it together. It all felt so helpless. Like everything was spiraling and there was nothing he could do to fix it. He had tried so hard to help Kyle, but in the end it hadn't been enough. He hated this feeling.
He gave Kyle's hand a gentle squeeze.
"I'm so sorry," he muttered. He wasn't sure who he was talking to, himself or Kyle. "I tried to hard. I just…I am sorry I pushed so hard. I wanted you to be the best you could be."
He looked down at Kyle. He clenched his eyes shut trying to focus on a happy memory. He didn't want to think about Kyle like this. He wanted to remember Kyle laughing with Jared and the guys at the studio as they recorded music, or goofing off with Miles, or rolling around playing with Jenny and Miri. For all the unlucky there were double the good times.
"Kyle, wake up please," Kendall pleaded softly. "I'm sorry, just please…wake up."
He sat back letting Kyle's hand go. He knew it was no use. Kyle couldn't hear him. He buried his face in his hands.
A hand on his shoulder startled him. He looked up at James fighting back his tears. James pulled up a chair and sat down beside him taking his hand in his. He pulled it up to his lips kissing his knuckles lightly.
"He's gonna wake up," James said softly.
"I don't think he's gonna come out this one unscathed, James," Kendall said looking back at Kyle.
"Whatever his condition we will help him," James said, giving Kendall's hand a squeeze.
"What if we can't," Kendall asked, turning to James. "What if this isn't something we can help him with?
"We will do the best we can, like we always do," James replied.
"I just…I don't even know what that is anymore," Kendall admitted. He felt so lost. Nothing made sense right now. He just needed Kyle to wake up.
James leaned over, resting his head on Kendall's shoulder. He heaved a sigh of his own.
"We will just have to take what comes our way and find a way to keep on trudging forward Ken," James said.
"I guess so," Kendall replied. He stood and started pacing. He couldn't sit still any longer. He just wanted Kyle to wake up and be ok.
"Ken," James stood and stepped in his path.
"Sorry, I can't sit still," Kendall said.
Logan entered the room with Miles and Jayda behind him. They paused when they saw Kendall and James. Logan arched a brow at them. James sat up.
"You can come in," James said.
"Are you sure, we don't want to intrude," Logan said, slapping a hand over Miles' mouth.
"No it's ok," Kendall said, waving them over, "I'd rather have you guys here than to be alone."
"Yeah," James agreed.
Miles pulled Logan's hand away from his mouth as he glared at his dad. "I was just gonna say we could take another lap if you guys wanted some more time alone."
"Hard to tell with you sometimes," Logan replied.
"You are a wild card," Jayda said.
"That's fair," Miles chuckled. "
"We just wanna say thanks for being here with us and Kyle," James said.
"Yeah, we really appreciate it, and I am sure Kyle will too," Kendall said.
"I told you I'm not leaving this hospital until I know he's ok," Miles said.
"You've got school, and you can't miss anymore otherwise you won't graduate," Logan said.
"Aside from that," Miles said quickly, "besides that's a Monday problem and it's only Saturday."
"He's got a point; a lot can change in just one day. I mean, look at where we are now."
Everyone turned to look at Jared leaning on the door frame.
"Exactly, we just have to take this one step at a time here and wait," Miles sighed.
"That's all we've been doing is waiting," James said.
"Well, it's up to Kyle when he wants to wake up," Jared said. "He's gotta be stubborn about it like always. Then again should we really expect anything different from him?"
"Right, he's always making a scene and getting everyone's attention on him," Jayda said smiling.
"He's always gotta be difficult and different," Miles chuckled. "Can't just ask for help the easy way, gotta go to extremes to really get our attention."
"Go big or go home, Kyle's never one to do things carefully," Kendall agreed.
A groan caught their attention. Everyone turned towards Kyle. He seemed to be stirring.
"Kyle!" Miles slipped past Kendall and James. They were right behind him. Kyle groaned in response. He seemed to be struggling to wake up.
"Kyle?" Kendall said hopefully.
"Kyle please, wake up," Miles said, grabbing his hand.