Chapter Thirteen

Crying is My New Hobby

Rehearsal was going about as well as could be expected – which meant poorly.

We'd only been here for an hour, during which Lily had managed to scream herself hoarse after the Fortescue kid and his firsty mates destroyed one of our backgrounds, causing Flitwick (who had graced us with one of his rare appearances) to throw down his clipboard and walk out dramatically while the rest of us looked on and snickered, and I'm pretty sure Sirius Black was high.

"Remind me what part Sirius got in the play again?" I asked, leaning over to Thaddeus Meyers and speaking out of the corner of my mouth, lest Lily saw and exploded again.

The huge Hufflepuff snorted, and I was glad he had started to consider me cool and not annoying because I had really been afraid of the bloke for a long time. He could've easily smashed my face in or something.

"He didn't get a part," Thaddeus said drily. "Flitwick thought he was too unreliable, remember?"

I watched Sirius giggle his head off at James, who was up on our makeshift stage rehearsing one of his scenes. I silently applauded the tiny Charms professor as Sirius choked on his laughter, earning him a sharp rebuke from Remus while Lily glared daggers at him.

"Oh, yeah." I frowned. "Wait, then why the hell is he here again?"

Thaddeus shrugged. "Fuck if I know."

I snorted. "Poor thing probably couldn't bear having all his friends here without him."

"You'd think being the drama queen he is he at least would've gotten a part," Thaddeus agreed with a grunt, and I struggled to hold back my laughter when I saw Lily's glare shoot in our direction.

"Thaddeus, you're up next," the red-haired witch ordered, pointing to the stage. "You have to get Egeus's lines down."

"The play's not for another two months," Thaddeus grumbled under his breath, but he trudged to the front of the room anyway after I gave him a sympathetic pat on the back.

James hopped down off the stage, dodging Sirius and, to my surprise, making a beeline for me. I only raised a brow in question as he approached, and he gave me his signature arrogant smirk that I used to hate with every fiber of my being. Now, it was just kind of endearing – still annoying, but endearing.

"Pipes," he greeted. "Why are you standing in the corner all by your lonesome?"

"I'm cowering from Lily's wrath," I said, and he grimaced, nodding. "I'm surprised she didn't hex you off the stage or something."

"Ah, well." He grinned, a sudden gleam in his eye as he looked at me. "Let's just say things are making a bit of headway between us."

My eyes widened. "You're kidding! I thought she hated you?"

"So did I," he admitted. "But I think I can safely say we are officially friends now."

I shook my head, unable to wrap my brain around the notion. Lily had hated James, even back in their second year whenever I had hung out with the Marauders, but now it seemed the world was doing a complete one-eighty. It made me wonder what else I had missed out on by not being their friend, but I quickly shook that thought off; the past was the past, and I was friends with them now, right? That had to make up for some things.

"Good for you, James," I said sincerely. Lord knows all his pining had to pay off someday.

"And what about you?" he said, nudging my shoulder and winking when I gave him a confused frown. "Still got the hots for our dear Remus?"

My face immediately flared red, a dead giveaway despite the shocked "No!" that came out of my mouth.

James chuckled, and I smacked his arm. "It's not funny, Potter! How can you even say that?"

"You stare at him a lot," he said, and my mortification mounted higher.

"So?" I demanded angrily, dropping my voice to a harsh whisper and looking around to see if anyone was paying attention. Considering Lily was now squeaking/yelling at Sirius though, I doubted it. But still. "What does staring have to do with anything?"

He snorted. "Come off it, Pipes. You used to fancy him, right?"

"I was eleven," I grumbled. "Things are different now."

"Yeah," James agreed. "At least now you can shag him."

"Fuck off, James!" I whisper-shouted. "Stay out of my life!"

"Chill out, Pipes, I'm just teasing. Sorta."

I resisted the urge to punch him. "I don't fancy Remus, okay?"

"But you'd still shag him?"

I socked him in the arm, hard, and he yelped. "What the bloody hell was that for?"

"I told you to stay out of my life," I retorted. When he rubbed his arm, pouting, I sighed, rolling my eyes. "Fine, whatever. I still fancy him. Maybe. I don't know." I shook my head. "It's complicated."

His pout immediately brightened into a wide grin, and I knew I was going to regret admitting such a thing to him.

"Then what's holding you back?" he asked.

I actually laughed out loud. "You want a list?" When he only stared at me expectantly, waiting, I raised my hand and ticked off my fingers. "Firstly, I don't even know if the bloke fancies me back, or ever can, considering our fucked-up history. Secondly, I loathe commitment – there was a reason I was the school slag, and it wasn't because I ever dated anyone. Thirdly, he doesn't know about Aubrey, and all the resulting baggage that makes all this even harder, and lastly…" I trailed off, taking a deep breath. "He told me that you all were going to fight in the war after you were done with school this year."

I looked at James, seeing him frown slightly at my words, but he nodded nonetheless, confirming Remus's statement.

"We already have it planned out," he said. "We talked to Dumbledore about it at the end of last year, and he agreed we could join the Order of the Phoenix after we had graduated." I could tell he wasn't pleased with waiting, but he respected the headmaster enough to at least not go charging into battle right now, and for that I was grateful.

"I couldn't bear it," I said softly. "Being with him, and only able to watch from afar as he risked his life." My breath hitched in my throat, and my eyes began to burn with tears as I gave voice to the terrible thoughts aloud. "I don't want to lose him – I don't want to lose any of you." I gestured around the room, encompassing the rest of the Marauders and Lily with the motion. "I just got you all back."

James looked stricken.

"Piper…" he said, his voice heavy, but I waved him off, blinking rapidly to banish the tears.

"Don't," I said. "Really, it's okay. That kind of shit is depressing, and that's the last thing we need right now."

He nodded slowly, still staring at me as if I had announced my own funeral, but luckily, I was saved from having to answer further, for it seemed that Lily had finally lost her cool and hexed Sirius after he had giggled at the word 'erection.'

Rehearsal was over after that.

"Well, today was exciting," I said to Remus, Vanishing away the makeshift stage with a small smile of pride.

Everyone had bolted pretty quickly after rehearsal was over, not wanting to stick around and potentially become Lily's next hexing victim. After James and Peter had dragged a boil-covered Sirius to the hospital wing, I had elected to stay behind and help Remus turn our rehearsal space back into a classroom, all out of the good of my heart, obviously. Not because I wanted to be alone with him.

Damn, I needed to stop being so pathetic.

I couldn't help it though. My sodding, traitorous heart still had a thing for him, even years later, and my hormones were certainly not helping in the matter.

"That's one way of putting it," Remus snorted, moving the desks back to their original places and giving me one of his wry smiles where that dimple appeared in his left cheek. I looked away quickly, my nerves pinging around inside me. My conversation with James was still fresh in my mind, and I severely hoped he wouldn't go blabbing his mouth to Remus about it, though somehow, I doubted it. James Potter was a lot of things, but he was never disloyal.

Combined with the fact that Remus and I have been weirdly civil with each other the past two weeks, I was nervous as hell. I still hadn't told him about Aubrey, and he hadn't pressed me on the topic, thankfully, but I could tell he was still worried about it and wasn't as willing to ignore it as I was. It was causing a strange tension between us, and I hated it, but I still wasn't ready. Telling Lily, a virtual stranger, was something much different than telling Remus.

"I still think my Bat-Bogey from the beginning of term was better," I said, nodding in satisfaction at the room and stowing my wand away.

Remus shook his head, chuckling. "Nah, no amount of magic can top when you pulled his pants down in the courtyard third year."

I laughed, completely forgetting about the memory. That had been our peak hatred towards each other, when we had been willing to do anything to get back at each other. Our war had gotten so bad that even the other Houses had begun to take sides. Most everyone had chosen the Marauders, naturally, but I still received some handshakes in the corridors sometimes from my former allies.

"That was beautiful," I agreed. "I hadn't known silk boxers were a thing until then."

We both laughed at that, and the sound echoed around the empty room before quickly dying out. I became acutely aware that this was the first time I had been alone with him since our last one-on-one rehearsal a fortnight ago, and I tucked a stray curl behind my ear nervously, biting my lip.

"Er, I should get back," I said, gesturing to the door. "Homework, and all that…"

I turned, about to flee from the room before his hand grasped my elbow. I faced him slowly, seeing the determination in his eyes and feeling my heart sink.

"Piper," he said, not letting go of my arm. "Please, just tell me what I did wrong."

I blinked. Well, that was unexpected.

"You didn't do anything wrong," I said, shaking my head. "It's just…something I have to figure out on my own. Seriously." I mustered a reassuring smile. "Don't worry about it, all right? I'm fine."

His eyes searched my own, the pale green looking darker in the dim light, and I swallowed nervously when my gaze flitted to his lips briefly. I wondered what they would feel like, pressed up against mine, but I shied away from the thought. I wasn't sure how I would react to any form of intimacy right now. A part of me craved it, but another part recoiled, spitting venom at anyone who got too close. I was torn between closing that distance or running away, but it seemed logic had won this round, for I stepped away from him, pulling my arm gently from his grip.

"I don't want to lose you again, Piper," he said lowly. "Not when I just got you back."

His words echoed the ones I had said to James earlier, and before I could even register what was happening, I began to cry.

"Remus Lupin, you bloody idiot," I heard him mutter to himself before conjuring a handkerchief and rushing over to me, pressing the cloth to my cheeks as I wailed like a little child.

He waited until I had calmed myself down enough to take the handkerchief from him and swipe under my eyes, knowing my makeup was smeared everywhere at this point. I knew I should've taken up Becca's offer to learn the charm that made it stay, but here I was, looking like some stoned raccoon.

"Sorry," I said, my voice still scratchy and thick. "That was lame."

"No," he said, shaking his head. "You're fine, Pipes. Believe me. We've all been there."

I gave him a watery smile, knowing he was right, but damn, was I sick of crying. It seemed like it was all I ever did anymore. It could be one of my new hobbies.

"Hello, I'm Piper Everlark, and I enjoy drinking firewhiskey straight from the bottle, ignoring my problems until they punch me in the face, and sobbing hysterically for no reason. I'm a real catch, I promise!"

"Still," I insisted, even though I had no real argument. I twiddled with the handkerchief, wondering if it would be rude if I walked off without another word, but I froze when his fingertip touched my chin, lifting my face so I could look into his.

He had gotten a lot closer, but I attribute that to my episode, though that didn't stop me from feeling like every nerve in my body was now focused only on that fingertip.

"Are you okay?" he asked me seriously.

"Not at all," I said honestly, my voice cracking, and he looked pained.

"What can I do?" he said.

"Hold me."

The words were out of my mouth before I knew it, and we both looked shocked at my statement before he nodded resolutely and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me into his chest.

I complied easily, feeling like putty in his arms as I hugged mine around his waist, breathing in the scents of mint and his cologne, and that same woodsy smell that he had always had, even when we were kids.

I don't know how long we stayed like that, clutching each other in the empty classroom as if we would shatter if we were to let go, but I didn't mind a bit. Remus was holding me, and for a moment, everything felt like it would be all right.

Eventually, we pulled away, but I was secretly pleased when he kept one hand on my back, though I tried not to let it show. Ruining the moment we just had with my embarrassing infatuation was not how I wanted this night to end.

"We should get going," I said, being the first to break the silence. "I know you're a prefect and all, but I'd still rather not get caught by Filch. I'd hate to have to flash him again."

He burst into laughter at this, and I grinned too, feeling loads better just from that small interaction with him. Remus Lupin was truly something special, I thought to myself, and I'd be damned if I ever ruined our friendship again.