My name is…
Well, I'm still working on that. I'm thinking something like "Shinobi" or "Takemikazuchi" or perhaps even "Supreme Shogun."
I'm sure as my incredible powerset develops I'll think of something suitable.
But it definitely won't be HikiNEET. I refuse.
Anyway, for now, I am merely Kazuma Sato, the most incredible Parahuman in all of Brockton Bay. I was initially disappointed when my first party member and future harem member turned out to be Taylor Hebert. She's flat chested, a bit mousey, and overall not that pretty.
But she turned out to be the sort of girl who wore sexy, black lacy panties. She has just moved up to prime material for eventual Best Girl and therefor the one who I, as a Harem Protagonist, will choose.
I have recently entered my popular phase, as evidenced by the fact that two extremely sexy blond super hero sisters are currently standing beside me, while Taylor stands with me as I stand atop the body of Lung, the man who stood against an Endbringer.
I, Kazuma Sato, have taken down this Boss with the help of my party. I have already unlocked some rather broken abilities, as that useless goddess bequeathed me with powers as I was ready to begin my career as a Harem MC.
I shall not be foolish as most Harem MCs are. If one of these girls gets into a lewd situation with me, as Taylor did earlier, I shall take advantage of it with no shame. And as an advocate of True Gender Equality, if one of them calls me a pervert and slaps me, I will drop kick them.
It's not my fault that my powers stole Taylor's panties. I was trying to steal something from Lung we could use to stop him. I simply lost concentration for a moment, as Taylor's suit is skin tight, and I could clearly see an outline. I am entirely innocent in all this.
And besides, it all worked out, thanks to my brilliant tactical acumen.
"Well. It seems you managed to take down Lung. Three new parahumans. This will cause quite a stir. And attract…attention. Is that what you want?"
I blink and focus on the least interesting person in the room; Armsmaster. As he is not a potential candidate for my Harem/Party, I am not particularly invested in his character arc. Though he is one of the most important Capes in Brockton, so if I get in good with him, perhaps it will help my career.
Seeing as how I have already taken down an incredibly powerful villain, I intend to coast on my well deserved fame and glory, license and then sell a great deal of merchandise, hook up with one of the girls who's route has been unlocked, and live a pampered life as a superstar while winning every debate on the PTO as the clear authority on capes, unlike that asshole Cursed_Swordsman. Him banning me was complete mod abuse.
"I think we'd prefer to stay low," Taylor says, and gives me a meaningful look.
I am not sure what that look means, aside from, "I want Armsmaster to steal my kill."
"WHAT!?" Glory Girl squawks. I had always considered her 10/10 waifu material. Sexy body, skin tight leotard, miniskirt on bottom. Sadly, the PTO and other sources had long ago confirmed she wore the leotard all the way down.
"I-It might be best if we simply lay low…I had intended to simply take out a few thugs but-"
"Absolutely not!" I snapped, and jerked a thumb at Armsmaster. "This Glory Hound just can't stand the idea of some kids taking credit for taking down someone he couldn't. He's had a chip on his shoulder for ages about the fact that Lung fought an Endbringer and he didn't, and that he couldn't take down Lung. Well screw him, I say! We did the work, so we get the credit!"
Perhaps currying favor with Armsmaster was now off the table, but to hell with the idea of him taking credit for my kill.
"Kazuma, are you crazy!? What about our secret identities!?" Taylor demanded.
"Well, I will call you Skitter as long as you promise to call me Lord Takamikazuchi."
"Taken," Glory Girl immediately. "Cape in Detroit."
"No way! I would know about that!" I snapped.
"He was killed his first week," Glory Girl said with a dismissive shrug. "Bad luck to take a name like that. But I agree with HikiNEET. You're not taking credit for this, Armsmaster. Mom and dad are gonna be PUMPED when they hear that Tina finally triggered and took out Lung. On her first night!"
"I-I do not know that this is the sort of attention I desire," Lalatina mumbled, fidgeting again. Like her sister, she was a blonde, though even taller and with her hair pulled up in a bun and surprisingly muscular. I have not yet decided if I should pursue her route or her sisters, though Taylor retains First Girl advantage.
Of course, I am likely to have a flashback to reveal whatever girl I choose was really a childhood friend who I made a secret marriage promise to, and thus was the true First Girl all along.
I do not recall making any secret childhood marriage promises, but it could have happened.
"Now wait just a minute, I am NOT HikiNEET!" I snarl, pointing a finger at Glory Girl and manfully not starting at what the gods graced her with. "My name is-"
"It's definitely HikiNEET," Taylor rudely interrupts. "But listen; we're still supposed to be training! Think about my dad, Kazuma, or your parents, they-"
"Do not call me Kazua in front of the other Capes!" I hissed. "I'm Futsunomitama, and-"
I have erred. I knew better than that…
"Taken," Armsmaster states, his visor staring at me, but his face expressionless. Asshole.
"I know that! Look, you can call me-"
"HikiNEET," Taylor said firmly. "We need to-"
"Tina, do you really think we can keep this quiet from mom and dad? You took out Lung! LUNG! You're going to be an incredible cape!" Glory Girl said
"I am not letting anyone steal my kill!" I say, shoving Taylor aside to get right in front of Glory Girl and…wow. I uh, I knew about that whole aura she had, but it's really something else…
"YOUR kill!?" Taylor demands, yanking me back by the collar of my shirt. "Oh sure, just ignore that it was my insects who put him down, or that Darkness was the one who saved your worthless hide!"
"Fine, all three of you can get credit!" Glory Girl says sweetly. Then she turns to Armsmaster. "But it's THEM who get the credit. Tell you what: we'll even say that you're their mentor or something so you can be at the press conference. You get them all in the Wards and we'll pretend this was an authorized mission instead of three vigilanties."
Armsmaster's jaw clenched, and he glanced over at Lung, who was drooling on the concrete floor. The big lug no longer looked like a Super Sentai villain, instead looking like a yakuza thug without that mask of his.
I mean, I know he's actually Chinese, but just because I'm Japanese doesn't mean I can tell what flavor of asian you are at a glance.
"I will accept joining the Wards, as will Skitter," I say with a nod.
"What?! We didn't even talk about this!" Taylor protested.
"Maybe you should listen to your friend. She seems to understand the gravity of your situation. Taking down Lung will paint a target on your backs. Everyone, from street toughs to the biggest Capes will want to test themselves against you, or take you down," Armsmaster said, folding his arms across his chest.
Darkness began to pant, her cheeks going bright red. "Y-you mean that big, viscous men will seek to attack us at every turn, abusing us and humiliating us in combat, or perhaps-"
Glory Girl coughed and then elbowed her sister for some reason. Taylor looked concerned, and Armsmaster nodded.
"Yes. It's possible that your loved ones could be targeted. That's not as much of a problem for Lalatina: the Dallon family and New Wave are used to that. But what about you two? Are you ready to submit your families to that sort of danger?"
"My parents laughed when they found out I nearly died from getting hit by a car, and told me to stop being a bitch when I was locked in a locker with used diapers for hours! Screw them!" I snapped angrily.
Oops. I hadn't meant to say that. Armsmaster looked nonplussed, but Glory Girl seemed embarrassed, while Darkness seemed…uh…huh. She seemed to be calming down?
"I know what it is to be rejected by your family," Darkness said gently, and put a hand on my shoulder. I shivered. Not because I was starved for human contact, mind, but because this was definitely a sign that the Lalatina Dallon route had just opened up. Darkness turned a sad smile to her sister. "Not all of them. But a sister's love isn't always enough…"
"And you?" Armsmaster asked.
Taylor hesitated, and I spoke up.
"Oh, come on, Taylor! Your dad would be pumped and you know it! Sure, he'll worry about you, but that's because Danny isn't an actual asshole like my parents! You know how happy he was that we started hanging out! He practically gave me permission to date you," I said confidently.
That made Taylor snort. "I'm pretty sure my dad would be more horrified at the prospect of me dating you than the thought of supervillains trying to kill me."
They say words cannot hurt you, but I'm pretty sure that hurt worse than anything Lung could have done to me.
But then Taylor sighed, and smiled at Darkness, holding out a hand. "Sure, why not. If you'll take two other noobs on your team, Miss Dallon, Kazutrash and I would be happy to join you."
"I am not Kazutrash!" I snapped.
"Sorry, HikiNEET," Taylor corrected, her face perfectly straight.
"That's better," I grumbled.
Armsmaster looked back and forth between the three of us. Glory Girl grinned and gave her sister two thumbs up, and Darkness stood up straight and saluted. "Darkness, reporting for duty in the Wards, Armsmaster."
Armsmaster tilted his head towards her, then shifted slightly to look at me. "And you, Kazuma?"
"Yes, I'm Kazuma. I shall valiantly join the Wards, and defend the city from future threats. Make sure you get my name right in the press release."
Taylor shrugged and sighed. "Skitter, reporting for duty. Someone has to keep an eye on this idiot."
And thus, my life as a cape and Harem MC began.
When I looked back on it later in life, I realized that this was probably my second greatest mistake.
The first was not telling that blue haired bimbo where to shove it.
It was a dark and stormy night…
Wait, no, that's too cliche. Hmm.
Lo, the sky was dark, and black clouds obscured the heavens as thunder rumbled and lightning raged above the city of Brockton Bay, unknowing and unsuspecting of the calamitous events that had just befallen it, as one of the mighty pillars that upheld the stability of the city and the balance of power was taken out, at but a single stroke, causing the city to churn like the cauldrons clouds above it.
Yes, that's much better.
As usual, I was within our lair, plotting the next great and nefarious deeds of the most feared and deadly villains of all of Brockton Bay! The-
"I'm hungry."
I nearly dropped my screwdriver, which would probably have blown us all to kingdom come. "Shh! We're working!"
"But I'm hungry."
"Not right now! We brought a snack, just have that."
"I ate it already."
"Well then just wait, we'll eat when we're done!"
"I want McDonalds."
"We're not buying McDonalds, that's not suitable fair for supervillains working in a secret lair!"
"But I like chicken nuggets. You like chicken nuggets too. We all like chicken nuggets! And french fries!"
"Megumin, I'm tryin' to wahk! Keep her quiet!" our Chief orders.
"Komekko, shut up!" I hissed. She's making me look bad in front of Bakuda and the rest!
Ugh. I'm trying to be cool here! How is it cool to have to bring your kid sister with you to a secret gang hideout and laboratory!?
Puffing out her cheeks, Komekko pouts and turns her head to one side. She's perched atop a pile of parts from various things our minions have brought in for us to scavenge. We're currently in a warehouse not too far from our apartment, and I have to watch Komekko because my dad is out of town, again, and mom is working another shift at the gas station.
Sighing, Bakuda suddenly stands up, cracking her back. I hastily stand up too, though I only come up to her shoulder right now. My growth spurt is coming! The other girls already got theirs, so mine can't be far behind!
"Are we taking a break?" Arue sighs, standing and stretching and showing off that the stupid puberty fairy was overly generous to her.
"I-I like M-McDonalds," Yunyun agrees, looking up with her grease stained face from whatever dumb tech she's trying to make. "A-and I'm hungry…"
"Actually, I could go faw a Big Mac myself," Bakuda agrees. She eyes me. "My faithful young apprentice wouldn't have any problems wit that, would she?"
"No, of course not! Komekko and I will get everyone McDonalds!" I agree hastily. "I will visit it immediately, and if they do not agree to provide a feast for us, I shall bequeath them with the gift of EXPLOSION!"
"No!" Komekko cries. "No 'plodin' McDonalds!" she pauses and considers. "But you can 'plod a Burger King. They're yucky."
"Yunyun will buy us dinner, won't you, Yunyun?" Bakuda asks, eyeing my overdeveloped rival.
"Y-yes! I-I can get us all food!" Yunyun eagerly agrees, hurrying over and taking out her wallet from her purse over by on a crate of old junk. "M-my dad g-gave me some extra money. Um, I said I was taking my friends out for dinner a-anyway…"
"YAY MCDONALDS! THANK YOU BIG SIS!" Komekko cries, and jumps over to hug Yunyun. The little traitor.
"I brought rice for us," I grumble.
"Do you not want McDonalds?" Arue asks, frowning. "I suppose if you continue to starve yourself…" She gives my figure a significant glance.
"I DEMAND A SUPERSIZED BIG MAC AND FRIES, AND AN EXTRA LARGE MILKSHAKE TO DRINK!" I bellow, jumping up atop my latest creation. It will produce a truly worthy Explosion, just as Bakuda's wonderful marvels do!
"I'll just write down my ohdah, and you gihls can go and get it," Bakuda agrees, scribbling something down on a pad and handing it to Yunyun.
"Hmm, yes. After long hours of labor, the Crimson Demon clan accepts a quest from their Dark Mistress to retrieve supplies from a swamp infested with orcs and other vile creatures," Arue mutters to herself, taking one of her spiral bound notebooks and furiously scribbling. "It shall be up to Princess Arue Von Neselschnitz to secure these victuals, or they shall not make it through the winter."
"Do victuals include a Happy Meal? I want a Contessa toy!" Komekko demands. "A Happy Meal with nuggets, and fries, and a Sprite!"
Yunyun hastily tries to take the orders, and we're just about to leave when there's a crack, causing me to topple from my perch atop the Black Missile of Erebus and land on my kester with a loud squawk.
"Bakuda, Lung's been captured," Oni-Lee said without preamble.
Bakuda just eyed the other cape flatly. "Why do you insist on doing that? You had to be in the warehouse to telepawt heeuh. Why not just shout oh walk ovah?"
"There's no time," Oni-Lee continues as if Bakuda hadn't even spoken. He's fidgeting and nervous, and starts to walk back and forth, taking out one of his knives and flipping it in his hand. "If we act now, we can get the boss back. It was Armsmaster, he's transporting Boss to the PTR. Glory Girl and some capes I didn't recognize are there and-"
"Do you really think we can take on Ahmsmastah, Glory Gihl, and whatevah othah capes weeuh theyah to take out Lung? Calm down. We have to think ah way out of this, just not telepawt in and do some damage," Bakuda drawls in her super cool accent. She reached down and pulled out her mask, plopping it on her head, then settling it in place with a click.
When we strike, we shall not only break out the boss, but make the entire city fear the name of the Crimson Demon Clan.
"Crimson what?" Oni-Lee asks, cocking his head to one side. He doesn't stop flipping the knife though.
Bakuda motions with her finger, and I spring into action. This is what we have trained for!
I strike a pose, standing on one leg, holding aloft the Black Missile of Erebus, and putting on my Crimson Eyepatch.
"BEHOLD! I AM MEGUMIN! FOREMOST APPRENTICE OF BAKUDA AND SHE WHO WILL ONE DAY MASTER EXPLOSIVE TINKERING!"
Arue twirls into place behind me, putting on her own eyepatch and using one hand to flip her hair behind her as she grins wickedly, brandishing her latest mind control device.
"WITNESS ME NOW, FOR I AM ARUE, FOREMOST CHRONICLER OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN AND SHE WHO'S CREATIONS SHALL BEWITCH THE MINDS OF ALL!"
There's a crash and a gasp, and Yunyun scrambles over, putting her back to mine as she struggles to get on her own eye patch.
"B-behold, um, I-I am Yunyun, F-Foremost, um, pilot of the Crimson Demon Clan, a-and she who will one day take down an End Bringer…"
That's supposed to be it, but then I grunt as someone scrambles atop Yunyun and I with a little help from Arue.
"BEHOLD! I AM KOMEKKO! CUTEST LITTLE SISTER OF THE CRIMSON DEMON CLAN, AND SHE WHO WILL ONE DAY OWN ALL THE MCDONALDS!"
"Komekko!" I hissed, glaring up at my little sister as she poses triumphantly atop me. She even has on an eye patch! Little thief stole one of mine…I knew she was as clever as me!. "You have to be a Cape to be in the Crimson Demon Clan!"
"Hmph! I am too a Cape!" Komekko huffs, and points to the patched cape I made for her last year so we could play parahumans together that she's wearing.
"You're not a real cape, you haven't triggered yet!" I aruge. "Get down, you're embarrassing me in front of Oni-Lee! You're not a cape!"
"Am too!"
"Are not!"
"Am too!"
"Are not!"
"Am-"
There's a pop, and a fresh Oni-Lee appears alongside us as the original steps forward with his knife pointed at us.
"If you little girls don't shut up right now, I'm going to filet you here and now. This is a waste of-"
"EEK! GET HIM, MR. BIG CHICKEN!" Komekko screams, and tosses a half empty tupperware container of rice at Oni-Lee, which bounces off his mask, then hits the floor and spills rice everywhere.
A pentagram in glowing red appears on the floor under the original Oni-Lee, who suddenly screams as black flames engulf him.
I FIND THIS TRIBUTE ACCEPTABLE!
Out of the pentagram, a huge clawed hand emerges, then slams down, gripping the concrete and digging massive holes into it. A black face with tusks and two burning yellow eyes emerges, followed by batlike wings, and another arm. From the portal to hell, a demon emerges, unfurling its wings and bellowing.
"YAY! MR. BIG CHICKEN!" Komekko cheers.
The copy Oni-Lee is frozen, his knife pointing at us. "Holy shit. Are…are these kids for real?"
It is time for the new to triumph over the old. Lung is no longer necessary. I am seizing control of this gang, Oni-Lee. You may join me, and we can free Lung to serve me, or you can attempt to stop us, and end up as grist for my latest creation.
Bakuda sounds smug, and she gestures to the four of us and, er, Mr. Big Chicken…
Oni-Lee pauses and clutches his head. "But…the boss. He's in charge…"
Arue sways forward, holding out the spinning disk she's made. "But we shall remake the ABB as the Crimson Demon Clan. You are already a demon, Oni-Lee. Join us. And together, we shall free the Dragon and claim this wretched down as our fief."
"I…I guess. As long as we take out those Protectorate goons…and you know what to do, right Bakuda?" Oni-Lee asks, still sounding uncertain.
Yes. I know exactly what to do. Bakuda says confidently.
"But we get McDonalds first, right?" Komekko asks, her tone pleading.
Bakuda considers this for a moment, then nods. It is foolish to make plans on an empty stomach. We shall first get McDonalds, then plan our conquest of the city.
"Wait, McDonalds?" Oni-Lee asks.
Komekko nods. "Mr Big Chicken will get it! Do you like Happy Meals?"
"Wait, now hold on! My name ain't 'Mr Big Chicken," the demon protests. For seven foot tall monstrosity, his voice comes out as more than a bit of a whine. "Come on, kid, we've been over this! I'm Hoost! Hoost, Greater Demon of Violence? Ya know, we signed that contract and all…"
"Sparkly Blue Lady says you hafta obey me, and I say you're Mr. Big Chicken!" Komekko huffs. She glances at Oni-Lee. "If you're nice and say you're sorry, you can have a Happy Meal too."
"Uh…sorry?" Oni-Lee offers, now enraptured by Arue's creation.
"Great! Mr. Big Chicken, go and get us McDonalds!" Komekko takes the order from Yunyun's hand, and hands it to her pet demon.
"Ah man, this ain't what I thought would happen when I agreed to be your shard…" Hoost whines.
"And one more Happy Meal for Captain Angry Face!" Komekko orders. "Now, begon, my minon! And do not return without nuggets and fries!"
"Yeah, yeah," Hoost sighs, and trudges out of the warehouse, ducking down and folding in his wings to get out of the door. "Not even a proper offering…cold rice? Ugh, at least give me some fresh blood or something…"
I turn to Bakuda, excited. "Shall we begin our reign of terror!? Where first shall we plant the bombs!"
That is what we first must plan. Brockton Bay, no, the World, shall tremble in fear of the Crimson Demon Clan! Bakuda declares, then throws her head back and laughs manically.
I immediately copy her, doing my best to do a deep belly laugh. One day, I too shall be a master tinker like Bakuda, and my Explosions shall hold all of Brockton Bay captive, and force them all to recognize my genius!
Then, Bakuda will definitely recognize how cool I am.