Chapter 4

I lay there on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. It was the dead of night, but I couldn't sleep.

The temperature was fine, there were no sounds or light being projected into my room. It was all internal. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw his face. The last time I saw it. It was … black, shrivelled. His face was also bloody and contorted into the final scream I heard. His eyes were partially melted, but I could feel them staring into my soul. Judging my worth, finding me lacking.

It was like this every time I closed my eyes. I couldn't sleep through the night. I would wake up thrashing partway through, fitfully napping the rest of the night. I remained tired throughout the day, but I could only truly sleep at night once I became exhausted enough.

My meal bars tasted even more like ash than normal, but I've been left hungry too many times to not eat.

It's been three days since then.

I still hear his screams.

They dragged me to the coliseum today, I refused to go there myself. I stood across from my opponent, a girl this time. I refuse to fight her.

"You face subject 211 today, Subject Zero." The woman spoke, someone different this time. As soon as she spoke the words, I started walking towards the centre of the ring, and kneeled, closing my eyes. I didn't want to watch, to know when it happened, so I knelt there waiting. I waited, yet nothing happened.

"What are you doing Subject Zero?!" the scientist shouted at me, incensed.

"I'm not fighting." I spoke at a normal volume.

"That's not up to you!" she sneered. I believe it is. Like I said, I'm not fighting. I said nothing else to her, closing my eyes and tuning out her following orders. I kept doing so until I felt the jolt running through me. It made me clench my fists and teeth, but that was it. I didn't move, kneeling on the floor only hunching over slightly. They shocked me a few more times, but I just remain where I am with my eyes closed until the guards are forced to move me. I don't put up a fight and let them. The fact they had to move me meant something.

What came after was the normal punishments. Truthfully, the punishment that now affected me most was the lack of food, but I'm certainly not telling them that. I haven't been sleeping well for a while now, and the lack of sleep one night let me sleep fully on others. The only nights I couldn't sleep were when they changed the temperature, and they were horrible, but I deserved nothing less.

The sudden noises suddenly didn't seem quite so abrasive, the blinking lights not so intrusive. Even the changing temperatures weren't as bad as they once were. They've punished me that way so many times, I was bound to get used to them at some point, if only a little bit.

I sat there for yet another fight, exhausted as ever but resolute. I'm done fighting, I don't care what they do to me.

"Fight Subject Zero!" the man growled at me, immensely frustrated. Good. I didn't respond. I haven't spoken to any of them in a month. They've been punishing me for two. But my resolve remains the same.

"If you don't fight we will be forced to take drastic measures!" do your worst.

"If you insist on being so obstinate, then fine!" he began to sound a little unhinged there, but I was unconcerned. I probably should have been, considering the lengths they've been willing to go to so far.

I'm picked up by the guards again, but this time they carry me further than normal. Where are they taking me? I tense up, not expecting something to change. I thought I knew everything they were willing to do to me. I try to see where I am, but they'd restrained and blindfolded me before picking me up.

The air was knocked out of me when I was thrown into a chair, the edges digging into my soft flesh. My arms were grabbed and forced into restraints of some kind, leaving me chained to the chair. A moment after, the blindfold was ripped off my head, the sudden onslaught of light leaving me blind and squinting around me. I couldn't see anything, still adjusting to the light. It didn't help that the rest of the room was dark, the only light source shining directly into my face.

"We warned you, Subject Zero." A voice spoke from behind me, I would turn my head around, but they had restrained it in a harness as well. "We warned you, but you didn't listen. Now, you face the consequences." The man began walking around me, taking slow steps that echoed off the walls of what I assumed was a small room.

The man stopped in front of me, only his lab coat being revealed but I could see he was holding an innocent piece of cloth in his hands. What's that for?

The man suddenly moved, flinging the cloth over my head, and moving behind me, tugging it tightly against my face and pulling my head back to face mostly up. It wasn't painful, but the action left me trembling. I don't know why, but this whole setup seemed familiar.

"You reap what you sow after all. Now let's see what has resulted from your hesitance." The man spoke softly, his calm words contradicting the meaning of his words. I began to struggle against my restraints, trying to escape.

In the next moment, water began dripping onto the clothe. It confused me initially, but the longer it went on the more panicked I became. It was getting harder to breath. The cold, wet, clothe clung to my face, rendering me half-blind and gasping. I tried channelling my biotics, attempting to escape, but it didn't work. Nothing happened.

The man keeping me restrained tsked at me.

"Trying to use your special gift are we? Well, we can't have that. Fortunately, these lovely restraints of yours are rather special as well. I imagine you can figure out why." He started laughing, his voice bereft of mirth. "You're not getting out of this that easily."

His words shook me to my core, left me feeling cold, weak. The sudden sense of vulnerability foreign to me. Even at my worst, I still had the option of my biotics. The power they gave me, but he took that away from me. For the first time in a long time, I felt truly helpless.

I kept jerking at my restraints, but my struggles weakened with my lack of oxygen. My vision was darkening, and I began to fall limp when the man whipped the clothe of my face. I gasped in the cool air, my renewed ability to breath a relief. I kept inhaling deeply, attempting regain my breath, when the man returned the soaked clothe to my face.

"Now we can't have that, can we?" he chirped.

I didn't realise how much worse they could be to me. Now I do.

Before, they mostly kept me from sleeping. Yes, it was horrible, what the sleep deprivation did to me, but the effects could largely be attributed to psychological ones. Was I a walking, talking bruise? Yes. But the bruises didn't hurt as much as you would think. The frequent electric jolts were worse, just more temporary. Most of what they did can be thought of as temporary, in hindsight.

Now, not as much. The wet clothe over my mouth, suffocating me. I've never believed they would kill me before, but at times I honestly believed that when I was choking beneath the clothe. I couldn't breathe, and even trying to do so only left me sputtering at the water entering my mouth. The water I would then have to cough up if any got into my lungs. It went on for an eternity, I can't tell you how long as it all started to blur together. After that first time he covered my mouth I never had a full breath, always wanting for more. He would let me take only a few deep breaths each time, just enough to survive. It felt like I was an inch away from suffocating the entire time. I have never felt such fear before, for such an innocuous object, but just thinking about that clothe soaked in water leaves me shuddering.

I was taken back to my room at some point, I can't tell you when as I'm pretty sure I blacked out during the torture. I woke up on my bed, hyperventilating before I realised I was safe. There was no more water. My heart pounded in my chest before I managed to calm down. It was then I realised something even more crushing. Even after all that …, all that torture, my body felt fine. I felt like I had run for a long time today, but that was it. That horrible experience left so little damage on me, meaning it required no real recuperation time. They could do it again tomorrow if they wanted to.

And they would, yet I still won't do it, give in. God help me.

They take me to fight once again, but I refuse. I can't stop my trembling as I do, but I refuse.

This time, it's something different. I have no idea which I preferred them doing. Both options were horrible.

Today, they stripped me of my clothes, and left me in an ice-bath. I have never felt so cold before, so bone-numbingly chilled. I thought those nights were bad, but this? This was so much worse. It was cold enough that it burned when it touched my skin. I didn't realise that was possible, but apparently it was.

My teeth were practically vibrating, and I was shaking uncontrollably within a short amount of time. I was still submerged for long after though. I had all these sensations, but I was also incredibly numb to the world. After a certain amount of time, the cold left me, as did everything else. I didn't feel warm, I didn't feel anything, couldn't feel anything. It was incredibly disturbing, as I could even feel the constant shivering slow down, and I knew that was a defence mechanism. It was keeping me alive, yet it started to disappear. I was released from my bath the very instant after the shivering stopped. I will say I enjoyed the next few minutes after that. I was in what felt like a sauna, warming me up gradually. I figure they only did that because it was necessary, but I don't care. I hadn't felt so warm in a long time. It was one of my most treasured memories. Not that it had much competition.

The aftermath of this treatment was a little more serious. I got a cold for the first time, which was odd. The sudden inability to breathe through my nose, the headaches and the fuzzy head was odd, but at least now I knew what it felt like to the characters in the books I read. It always felt so distant when I didn't have anything to compare it to.

Those were two of the punishments I went through. And to my regret, the most common. They had the least effect on me compared to everything else.

I was shocked only once, I was already rather experienced with it, so it wasn't as effective as they hoped.

They burned me a few times, but it was deemed wasteful.

The thing that got to me the most was when they brough out the knives. They would make small incisions, barely skin deep. They didn't even hurt that much, but then again that's not what they were meant to do. Into those wounds, they poured various things. Alcohol was common, salt on one of the days one of them was bored, but mostly it was venom. A completely non-lethal substance that hurt more than anything else did. More than anything had the right too. The few times they did that tempted me more than anything else, to give in, to accept. I don't know why I still held on, what gave me the strength, the moral conviction to do so, but I kept it. The cold baths weren't even that bad after a while, I found a strange peace in that state of nothingness. It was almost soothing.

My seeming lack of reaction left many of them stumped on what to do. That left only the few who truly enjoyed what they were doing. One day, they decided using me as a punching bag was fun, can't really recommend it. I can see why that wasn't done before, it wasn't really any worse than all the times I lost my fights, only they hit harder. It stopped as soon as one of them broke my ribs. The torture halted, I was left in my room for a week of my normal punishments, but I slept through them better than I used to.

The cold nights weren't so cold, the hot nights not so unwelcome. Not to say I slept well, what with the memories of drowning keeping me up at night, but it was still mildly interesting.

I shuffled towards the testing room, my limbs, and eyes heavy. Last night had been particularly bad, with both the light and sounds interrupting my slumber. It was a struggle to keep my eyes open, to put each foot in front of the other. I doubt the testing will go well today, I could barely concentrate on walking. Still, there's no point in resisting on something this minor.

Surprisingly, there was a scientist on the other side of the door today. That hasn't happened in a long time, not since I was a lot weaker than I am now.

"Hello Subject Zero, we need you more alert for this test than you are, so you are to receive a stimulate." The man held an injector in one hand, I thought nothing of it. He said it so matter of fact, so I just raised one of my arms to him. I barely even felt it when the liquid was injected into me, the sensation barely a pinprick. The doctor quickly left after he finished, returning to his safe room behind the glass.

After a minute, things began to get strange. I suddenly felt more energetic, I straightened my back from its slouched posture, my eyes were no longer lidded, and my limbs didn't feel so heavy. But this was only physically, the mental haze I was in only got worse. The room started swimming before me, and I shook my head a few times at the odd experience. Looking around the room was strange, it was like time slowed down. I would look at something, but it would take me a moment to realise what I was looking at. Did they give me the right injection?

"Subject zero, we are performing a baseline today. You are to hit the three targets at maximum range as rapidly as you can." Seems normal, I've done this before haven't I? It seems familiar.

Any who, I took my position and pulled my trigger. Energy burst forth, whoa! I don't remember wanting that much. Is that the drug? Maybe it is the right one. Concentrating, I thrust my fist at the first target swimming before my vision. This was a normal green one, like always.

A moment later, I thrust my other hand forward to strike the second target, identical to the first. This is going well! Maybe I'll get to rest after this. I could really use some sleep. Blinking my eyes at the last oddly shaped target, I thrust my hand forward and released the third blast. This one was a little weird, their was an odd splatter left around the remains of the target, that's weird. Why is it so colourful, why's the room so colourful.

I can't help but look around the rest of the room, marvelling at the pretty colours, even as I calmed down from the small exertion the test was. This sort of test wasn't too difficult anymore, I'd done it many times before.

I was quickly dismissed by the scientists, and I didn't question my good fortune. Maybe they were in a good mood, I generally didn't get to leave until I've had at least one good shock.

I groaned, my head in my hands. I was sitting on my bed after the test. The walk back was interesting, to say the least, as I was still hopped up on whatever they gave me. It was a novel experience, I'll say that much, but I don't think the aftereffects are worth it.

My head is pounding fiercely, and I can't concentrate on anything. I just sat there for a while, hoping it would get better, but it didn't seem to be wearing off anytime soon, so I just gave up and laid down on my bed.

Opening my eyes was far more pleasant now that my head didn't have a jackhammer inside of it. What even happened yesterday?

Let's see. I was woken up for a testing session. Pretty straightforward. I was given some new stimulant for the test, which was unusual, but I could see some reasoning behind it. Then, everything gets blurry. I think I was just performing a … baseline test? That sounds right.

I know I launched three blasts, that sticks out vividly in my mind, but what at? They were all green, I think. The first two were circular? Yeah, that feels right. The last one was as well, wasn't it? I thought deeply, struggling to recall, but a circle doesn't feel right. If it wasn't a circle, then what?

The first two were presumably the normal targets I shot at. They're always green and circular, but why was the last one different? They've never used anything else as a target. How did this one differ. Right, first of all it was bigger, much bigger. It was rather oddly shaped too, mostly vertical.

What else? Oh! It also left the wall a different colour when struck. What was that colour? And why does this seem so familiar. I focus for a few more minutes, but nothing else seems to stick out.

We're back to the easier punishments when I refuse to fight, but they've also been putting me through a few new procedures, so that may be related.

New procedures also means more tests, it's always the same, baseline tests to check how my strength changes. The only difference I can see is that the targets are destroyed a little more. What's weird though is there seems to be a dark residue around one of the targets locations. It's not clear what it is, but it looks dark. Was that from the oddly shaped target? Weird that they've never used it again.

They're testing the drug again, weird. It doesn't seem quite as potent though, as my vision isn't quite as distorted as last time. They also bring out the odd target again. Why now of all times?

Firmly blinking a few times, I complete the normal test. They haven't changed it in a while, but that might be because the targets are already on the wall. They can't exactly move them further back then they already are.

Shaking my head back and forth, I take one last look at the remains of the targets. Specifically, the weird one. There isn't much left of it, but it has left the same residue behind. What colour is that though. My vision is a little blurry, but I squint as best I can.

I think it's … red?

I didn't even bother trying to think after the test yesterday, I just went to bed before the headache came. I had some interesting dreams though.

Waking up, I take a moment to stretch before eating then looking around my room. Finding nothing I'd like to do I sat by the window to continue watching them. I haven't done this in a while, but something seems strange. Why do they seem so, subdued. There isn't much laughter going on, nor screaming like their normally is. Something must have happened, but what?

Looking around them, I can't tell. Some of them are huddled closer together than normal, and I can practically feel the unease, but that's all I can figure out.

What's going on, what happened?

I'm testing the drug for a third time today. I think they might be reducing the dose though, it doesn't seem to have as great an effect as it first did. That's on them though, I just need to complete the tests. I've done this so many times, I barely even need to aim. Releasing the three blasts consecutively, all before the first even landed. I watched the carnage, enjoying the destruction I'm capable of.

I hadn't realised, but there's one of the odd targets again. My eyes are clearer today, and my head not as fuzzy. I've had better sleep today that I normally do before these things. I watched the third target intently, and it's coming into focus better. It's not just green, there something pink on the top, and is that chains around it? Were around it, my attack just hit. Now all that's left is the red splatter in the smoking crater.

Having satisfied my curiosity, I left the room.

Waking up relatively refreshed, I blink a few times, complete my normal ablutions, and move to my window seat.

I just watch them for a while, taking in their features. They're still subdued for some reason, but not as much. I wonder why. I let my mind wonder as I sit there, and just take in the scenery. All their faces are pink, interspersed with the occasional variations, and there clothes are red.

Wait, that's not right. Blinking a few times, I look closer. Their clothes aren't red, they're all the same pale grey clothes that I wear. Where did the red come from?

Where have I even seen red recently, aside from my own blood, it's not like I go anywhere. Not in my room, the books aren't the right shade, they aren't so vivid. The testing room …? The targets! Those unusual targets always leave behind a dark … red … residue.

No, God please no.

The unusual target was larger than the normal one, and rectangular. And pink at the top.

Dreading the answer, I compared the target to one of the kids, overlapping. It fit.

The target had a chain around it, like it had to be restrained. And it was only red after I hit it. Oh God.

I had to run to the toilet, my gut churning. I emptied it of the small amount in it, heaving long after anything stopped coming up. I lay there, leaning on the toilet with an acrid tang in my mouth.

I said I wouldn't, but I did. I suffered through all that pain, all that torture to keep my hands clean. But I killed them anyway. I was drugged up, but that doesn't make me feel better. What was all my effort for, when it happened anyway. My stomach sinks, but at the same time I could feel the slightest embers of rage building in me. I ignored them, they never lead to anything so what's the point. It's been made very clear they can control me.

What's the point in resisting? Should I just fight then? If they're going to die anyway. The scientist have shown themselves willing to kill the kids themselves. Should I just terminate them in the fights? That would be more personal than this, but does it matter? I would be doing it all the same, does it even matter? I don't know.

I get up and walk towards the window, but I can't make myself take the final steps. Even the thought of watching them after what I've done left me trembling. I'm the reason they were subdued, the reason they were frightened.

Moving over to the wall behind my desk, I slide down the ground, holding my legs. I can't help the burn in my eyes, the moisture leaving them. I let it happen, the only thing I could control. I wept for what they'd lost, for what I've lost.

I still resist fighting, however futile it may be, but they just give me the injection again. It makes my thoughts hazy, better. Everything doesn't weigh down on me quite so badly. It removes all my concerns, all my doubts, leaving me free.

It also makes it hard to think, everything distracting me as I acted upon my whims. My distraction didn't stop my opponents attacking me when ordered. By this point, I reacted instinctually to any such threats. That behaviour had been ingrained into me after all, and control is not something I really had in this state, restraint either.

I eviscerated my first opponent the moment they began forming a bolt to attack me with. Mine charged up faster than theirs and travelled much faster. In but an instant, it was over. I was left standing there in a daze, and my opponent was left a smear on the wall. Even in the flighty, absentminded state I was in, some small part of me knew what I'd done, and a tear trailed down my cheek.

I didn't bother wiping it away.