It's Sunday morning and I'm a freaking mess. To my surprise I woke up not where I fell asleep in Christians bed but in the room where he had brought me when I was drunk a few weeks ago.
Why did he put me here? How did I not notice that last night?
Oh yeah right, his exorbitantly pleasurable fucking skills have taken me all out.
But it isn't important now. More important is the fact that I'll be meeting his parents tonight and that would mean Kate will sooner or later find out I've been seeing him. Oh my god. I don't know how she'll handle that. I don't know how I will handle that! Maybe I can convince Christian to postpone the meeting to another day?
I have to talk to Kate first. It's just a matter of time when she'll find out. I jump out of bed, to my surprise I'm wearing my pajamas. At least I haven't fought him off this time to get dressed, as it seems.
I can't find him in his bedroom but I hear the shower running. I enter the master bathroom without hesitation. Probably rude not to knock but it is too late now.
As I thought, he's standing under the shower in all of his glory, his back towards me. It makes me stop in my tracks. He's washing off the shampoo on his head, white streams of foamy water running down this backside. Oh wow…
Focus, Ana!
I startle him a little when I clear my throat to announce my presence. Clearly at ease with himself he turns around.
How can he act so confident and at the same time be so afraid to be touched?
"Morning, Anastasia. Want to join me?"
My eyes linger a little too long on his private parts, I spot an amused look on his face.
"Actually I wanted to ask if you've already arranged that meeting with your family today?" No time to beat around the bush.
He turns off the water, walks causally out to grab two towels to tie one around his waist. He begins to towel dry his hair. Oh man, he's really attractive.
"Not yet. My parents normally go to church early on Sunday."
Relief washes through me. "Could we postpone that? I wanted to talk to Kate first. She'd be suspicious if I let her know about us the second I meet your parents."
He looks at me for a moment through the mirror. Standing with his back towards me. I watch him as he begins to shave.
"I won't be home next weekend, so it will be a while until we find another opportunity. But you're probably right. Talk to your friend first.." he takes a stroke with his razor blade and I'm mesmerized by his movement.
For a second I forget the disappointment of hearing he won't be here next week. He definitely isn't the only one who has a hard time staying away. I come closer to the sink in anticipation of his reaction.
"Why did I wake up in your guest room?" I'm just a little hurt. Okay maybe a lot.
He doesn't answer at first.
"I don't sleep with anyone."
"But.."
"I know. We did, several weeks ago. I just… " he puts the razor aside, finished now.
"You don't think that's appropriate because I'm only an Escort?" I try to finish his sentence. Pang, that hurts right under my sternum.
"No. Actually I don't want you to see yourself like this. Or our relationship." He washes his face.
"What are we then?"
He shrugs. "More." More than what? More than business partners? Friends? Lovers? I know I'm a hypocrite as I was the one suggesting not putting a label on our relationship.
"So, not 'more' enough to sleep in the same bed."
He rubs his face, exasperated, and turns to grab my arms.
"That's a lot of serious talk for a morning encounter. Just let it go." How? How can I let it go? Without elaboration he leaves the bathroom, I follow him. Leaning against the doorway, I can see him dress in his wardrobe.
"Is it because you don't like being touched?" I ask loudly.
"Why are you so persistent to sleep in my bed? I'll fuck you on any other surface of my apartment, there's no need to be together in the state of sleep !" He says loudly while pulling up his pants. Too loudly. I'm more pissed at the way he says that than the words he used. As if he owns me.
Without a word I turn on the spot and leave. I'm not answering that bullshit. Why is he acting like an asshole out of sudden? I'm not persistent. I'm just wondering why we can't act like normal people.
Failing at ignoring my empty stomach, I call in defeat. Argument or not, I'm hungry. In his kitchen I find a bowl and some cereal. At this point I'm not in the mood to cook up something elaborate anymore as initially planned.
When he enters I don't give him a single glance. Yeah, Grey, you hurt my feelings. I, for one, seem to have them.
"Anastasia." He says, standing behind me. I don't look up.
"Ana." He tries again. I contemplate whether to ignore him any further. Why did he need to ruin our morning like this? I feel his hand on my shoulder.
"What is it Christian? Give a woman a break. I'll be at your service in a minute and you can go on and fuck me on every surface of this apartment as that's what you've paid for. Thanks for the reminder!" Yup, I'm bitter at this point.
He looks shocked and that's a sight that doesn't suit him at all.
"Ana, I apologize for what I said earlier."
He sits down next to me at the breakfast bar. Sulking, I continue to eat.
"You were right. I don't want to be touched. And sleeping together might inevitably lead to that. My therapist says it's understandable. With everything that was done to me."
I look up from my bowl of cereal, spoon mid air.
"Done to you?"
"Physical and emotional abuse. As a child." He looks out the window, I wonder what he's thinking.
Yeah, he's right. A lot of serious talk for one morning. Abuse a child? Shit.. My heart fills with sorrow.
"You have a therapist?" I'm actually relieved to know. I don't know why but a feeling in my gut has told me that he had more to him than just an unconventional sexual appetite and a mysterious fear of not being touched. Seems I was right….Physical abuse!
"Yes. He's an Englishman. You'd like him." His smile doesn't reach his eyes. After a wearisome pause, he sighs. "I'm fifty shades of fucked up. I don't want to burden you with my issues."
I take his hand which has balled up into a fist. Fifty shades of fucked up? Interesting way of describing oneself. Seems very harsh.
"I accept your apology. I wish you'd just talk to me in the first place. "
"Talk? Like normal people?" he says.
"Yes." What so wrong about that?
He remains silent for long time. "I don't think I'm capable of doing that."
I stroke the back of his hand. He looks down on our touching hands, takes mine and lifts it up to his lips. Such a kind gesture.
"Actually we are just doing that. So your doubts are moot."
"Moot?" he grins and winks. Thank God, playful Christian is back.
"Moot. Funny word. I know." Catastrophe averted then. "Thank you for telling me. I'll sleep in the guest room from now on."
Christian walks around the island to get himself a coffee. We have breakfast in a far better mood than earlier. Thankfully we even manage to go back to talk about everything and nothing as if his outburst didn't happen. His revelations almost forgotten.
When we're finished eating I contemplate to ask him one more thing. It has been on my mind for a while now and I never had the opportunity or courage to get to the point. This morning had a tense start anyway..
"Yesterday you showed me your contract and I agreed to do as told. And I wonder.. Why haven't you taken me to your playroom for the stuff we did last night?" He studies me for a moment. Am I rushing things?
"I didn't know you wanted that in the first place."
"Okay." I take a deep breath. "Well, you have a room dedicated to sex. And we've had plenty of that. I just put two and two together and somehow that didn't add up." Well, we did have some rather unordinary sex last night in his bed. Surely, we could do the same things in there?
"The playroom isn't just about sex. But you're right, I'd really like to take you there... "
That surprises me. What is it about then if not just kinky sex in all of its variations? I stay quiet, too absorbed by my thoughts.
"You know what? Let's just evaluate your soft and hard limits and see where it will lead us." He stands up and leaves for what I guess must be his study. I'm a little confused. How will that answer my question?
When he returns I note that he somehow looks amused.. excited even. I cannot help but smile. This is important to him.
"Here." He says and opens the contract, next to it my own list provided by EE. I read them again and am surprised to see that there aren't many discrepancies. When he sees my confused look, he sits down next to me.
"Before going any further I want to be sure what you're willing to do with me."
"So I won't sue you?"
He bursts out laughing. "That's the least of my problems. We wouldn't want to ruin our newly established relationship, do we? " Oh. Wow. My heart makes a little jump. He looks through the papers again.
"You've listed caning as a hard limit. As far as I know you, you probably don't have any actual experience. How about we try some and see if it's really a hard limit for you? " he begins.
And get my ass whooped by a cane? No, thank you.
"Yeah, listen I didn't write that list. But I can surely imagine what caning is about. Hard limit."
"What do you mean you didn't write that list?!" Oh boy. How can he be so mercurial with his emotions. Wasn't he in a good mood a second ago?
"My roommate helped me… she was an Escort and had some experience."
"Did she get you into the business?"
"Yes." I confess.
"But you're not living with her anymore?" Well, obviously! He has seen my apartment. Why does he ask that anyway?
"No."
"Where is she now?"
"I don't know. One day she just…left. " I shrug.
I can't put my finger on it but he is contemplating whether to ask any more questions. I can clearly see. Miraculously he let it go.
"Alright. So caning may be too advanced for you anyway.. But what about suspension?"
I remember some disturbing pictures I've seen while researching..
"I'd be afraid to be strangulated.. " I can't look at him, this makes me kind of embarrassed.
"Hell, if suspension was about breath play I'd be afraid too. But it isn't. It actually can be quite entertaining."
"For you or me?"
"Both of us." He gives me a broad grin and I cannot help but grin back.
"Fine. We'll put it on the.. Try and see list." I say. a.k.a. soft limits.
"What about fisting?" I cannot believe he is into that.
"No. Hard limit." Christian is smart enough to know when a fight is lost.
We also agree on several other toys or practices that will stay on my hard limit list.
"That's settled then." I say awkwardly, thinking optimistically that we can have some fun now.
"Ana. Discussion of limits is only the fine tuning. Actually.. We should discuss how our Dom sub relationship would look like."
"I'm not sure what that means.."
"I know. Read the contract properly. It will give you a better idea. I'll let you be for a moment."
I watch him leave me with his paperwork. God, who would have thought enjoying each other's company as human beings had so much bureaucracy.
I read through every paragraph. The more I progress the less optimistic I become. Obey him? Wear the clothes he choses? Dictate my personal hygiene? Eat from a prescribed list?!
You got to be kidding me.
But what actually worries me the most is the punishments. I'm pretty sure it involves more than being spanked in the back of a car. The real deal sounds like being cruel and painful. I just don't get it.
After having read through it twice, I hear him come back. My gut is telling me to run for the hills. But I can't. I just sit there like a deer in the headlight.
"Scared you off?" he jokes after seeing my expression.
"Christian.. " I don't know what to say. He sits down next to me and takes my hand. "I don't know if I can do this… your way." I try to begin.
"Anastasia." Why am I always Anastasia when shit hits the fan. "I know this is a lot to take in but this is the kind of relationship I'd like to have with you in the long run. It was just unfortunate that we started on a different note.. "
"Unfortunate?" I cannot hide the hurt in my voice. I've been myself from the first meeting we had. I had given away my lie, bared it all and he calls our relationship unfortunate?
"That's not what I meant. What I mean is I wished we would have met under different circumstances."
Okay.
"Don't you like what we have?" Because I do. I actually..
"I do." He says and frowns. He's so contradictory! Ugh.
"But why are you trying to change me? Don't you like the way I am?"
"I do, Ana! I actually love.. I don't want to change you as a person."
"Then I don't understand this." I say and shove his contract away.
"It's the only way for me to have a relationship and I want to have that with you. I want this to work. I've said that in the past.. "
I know. And it makes my heart skip a beat every time he says it.
"Christian, we already have a relationship. Without all of this food tracking and obeying shit."
He rubs his face, clearly at loss.
"Listen. How about.. We try to stick to the mindset of the contract in the playroom or.. Wherever we have sex? You didn't seem to mind obeying me there."
"That's different. You were doing that for pleasure not for pain."
"Ana. All of this is for our pleasure. Why don't you get it?" he gestures at his contract.
"You're the one that doesn't get it. Imagine me being uncomfortable being touched, no! Despising it. And suddenly you're asking me to freely without complaint enjoy that because I've signed a contract. That's what you're asking."
He stares at me as if I've slapped him.
"You enjoyed none of it?" Clearly referring to the kinky stuff.
"That's not what I meant. You never really hurt me. I enjoy the concept of pleasing you as long as I don't get beat up…"
"Punishment isn't beating someone up, Ana." He almost rolls his eyes. "The act itself, being punished, isn't meant to be pleasurable but the idea of it is. Just try to see it that way… that you're pleasing me. In fact that's what ultimately gives you pleasure. It's about the right mind set. No one expects you to enjoy being beaten by a stranger but taking a punishment from me. That's what bonds us together."
I try to understand what he's saying. But I just can't. However his words still ring in my ear. It bonds us together.
"You took your spanking in the car with grace, I was so proud of you. You were willing to do that with me. For my pleasure and yours. Isn't that the outmost expression of trust and dedication?"
I'm fascinated how he describes what I'm unable to put in words. For me the spanking was two things. Pleasurable and hot. I feel a tightening between my legs to that memory.
"You're aroused by that." He says suddenly and shakes me out of my memories.
"How do you know?" I whisper.
"Your complexion. You're flushed. And your pressing your thighs together. Just years of experience, I can tell. " Oh my. He's so damn right.
I clear my throat. "Alright, I will do as told in the playroom or other places where we.. You know what." I blush, thinking of all the places we still could.. Ana. Stop.
"Maybe you'll get your head around and we can expand the time frame? Try some scenarios outside of our sexual relationship where you'd be my submissive? "
"Maybe." Who knows? Maybe I'll be completely brain washed by his exotic fucking at the end of the three months? Fucked into submission. Interesting concept.
"Thank you." He kisses my hands, as if in gratitude and beams at me.
He's right, I want to please him.
"Do you still want to go to the playroom?"
"Yes." Because the throbbing between my legs got worse the minute his lips touched the back of my hand.
"Ana.. You're so unexpected." Holding hands we leave his kitchen.
To the playroom it is then.
"When you come here, you'll be mine. To do as I seem fit. Without your hesitation or smart mouth. Do you understand?"
I nod, taking it all in. I haven't been in here since that introduction of his a few weeks ago.
"You're going to answer me with courtesy." He says and I cannot help but stare at him. He's almost a different persona. The way he speaks. The way he moves.
"Yes, Sir." I giggle. He frowns at me and I bite my tongue to stop.
"Take off your clothes." Uhm, okay. I thought he would do that.
"No. Those stay." I was about to pull down my knickers. Weird, how he wants me to keep them on. He's said that before. Then, he gives me a hair tie.
"Braid your hair. Then kneel by the door." I'm so giddy, excitement and fear have mixed into a potent potion that is poisoning my mind. I cannot even think clearly. Normally at this point I would have given him a run for his money.
"Legs apart. Wider. Wider. Good. This is how you'll be. You'll wait for me here. Eyes to the ground."
I see his bare feet almost touching my knees. I wonder what he's thinking at this point. Standing over me, I feel his hand touch the top of my head. Stroking it tenderly, I can't put my finger on it but I can feel that special connection he's talked about in the past. Yes, this is different to what we've had. In a way…good different.
"Will you remember what I instructed when you come here?"
"Yes, Sir." I say and smile. I still have to get used to that without thinking it's funny. Laughing will definitely ruin the mood. And to be honest I don't want to provoke him to use any of those whips on me. Although I'm pretty sure he wouldn't do that anyway.
Then he's gone. I don't know where and for how long but it feels like ages. To my dismay I haven't slept much last night and I'm getting tired. Sitting and behaving is hard work! On top of that, this floor is uncomfortable for my bare shins and I'm not used to kneeling for a prolonged time. Oh boy, I sound like a grumpy grandma.
"Bored?" he asks and I jump from my sleepy state.
"No, Sir." It's actually getting easier to remember.
I hear some clicking sounds, something rather heavy is dragged by him on the floor. Oh God, this is really happening.
All tiredness forgotten I'm nervous again. What if he'll hurt me? Or do something that will humiliate me?
Suddenly I'm not so sure why I wanted to come in here in the first place. Oh yeah right… I want to be even closer to him and this is a part of him. It's part of the deal.
I don't know how but he feels my anxiety. Maybe because I am out of breath without having moved for the last.. half an hour?
"Anastasia, look at me." I do as told. Somewhere behind the Dom persona I see the Christian I know. Kind. Caring.
"All of this is for our both enjoyment. You have your safe words if you are uncomfortable. Do you remember those?"
"Yes, Sir." I stammer. Somehow his efforts to calm my nerves isn't working. I stare at the whips on the left wall.
"What are they?"
"Yellow and Red." Thankfully I read that contract just a moment ago. I hope I won't need those today. Or ever. I take a deep breath. Yeah, having those safe words do ease my nervosity. I'll still be in control if things get out of hand.
"Good, now come here." I walk in front of what looks like a pile of black seat belts in a disorganized mess, hanging from the ceiling.
Christian is close behind me, his hands on my hips.
"Your ass is still a beautiful colour from yesterdays spanking.." his warm breath tickles the side of my neck. Slowly he pushes his thumbs into the side of my knickers and with a swift motion pulls them to my ankles.
Is he planning on claiming my ass right away? I'm not sure how I feel about that.
".. But we'll be going a different route today." Why is he making this such a meal? The anticipation is killing me. Can't he just get to the point and ease me out of my suffering?
He turns me around, staring down I look at his lower half again, he walks me a few steps back till I feel the straps brushing against my back.
"You're allowed to look at me. Now, sit." Again I'm confused. Sit where? On the floor again?
I lower my backside and am surprised to be nestled into a harness. This is a swing!
Christian begins to fasten some clips and loops on me. This thing looks complicated.
"I know you're hesitant about suspension. This will give you an idea how that'll feel like. It's not as uncomfortable as ropes and less.. dangerous."
He attaches my hands to the swing attachments. Instinctively I grab onto them to support my weight. The nylon harness is slightly uncomfortable on my butt. Not painful but staying like this for a longer period of time, I can imagine it biting into my skin. He then attaches my ankles into loops until I'm in a half sitting half laying position. When he's done strapping me in, he gives me a slight push and I begin to swing back and forth.
If I wasn't strapped in tightly, naked and my legs spread wide, this would have been kind of fun. Who am I kidding, this is fun. I'm grinning like an idiot. For a moment I'm afraid he'll be angry with me but to my delight he's grinning as well.
"I want you to be quiet. No sounds from you. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Sir." What's there not to understand?
He kneels down and I'm feeling queasy. One moment I see him grinning, the next he's between my legs. I close my eyes in anticipation, forgetting the fact that I'm strapped into a harness, hanging from the ceiling in his playroom and trying to be his submissive. I turn off the part of my brain that's judging me and just allow myself to feel the sensation of his mouth on me. Surprised and aroused by him I let out a moan.
"Quiet." He snaps and I'm shaken out of my delirium.
"This swing has removable straps. If you're a good girl, I'll leave you be like this. If not, I'll remove them one by one." Oh. That will be uncomfortable.
He begins to nuzzle me again and too soon I'm again at the edge of insanity. Another moan slips my lips before I can stop it.
Without a word he stands up and unclips a strap behind me upper back. I feel the pressure on my bum as well as the pull on my wrists increase. Yeah, this is getting uncomfortable.
He resumes to kiss me. Over and over again. It doesn't help that I'm strapped so tightly, kept in position by my own weight. There's no counterpoint I could push myself into, nothing to sink my fingernails in. The feeling of his mouth and tongue between my legs overwhelms me. It circles around my head, through my body. The only outlet to this sensation being my vocal chords.
Oh no.
"Again? By now you should be really uncomfortable. Still, you haven't learnt to obey me, it seems." He says and removes another strap from under my bum. The missing support makes my legs part even wider, my body weight pushing me even more open. At this point my hands are holding on to the black swing attachments for dear life.
I'm so aroused at this point, I let my head hang back and close my eyes again.
"Please." Shit. I'm supposed to be quiet.
"Shh. Otherwise this will go on and on."
Without a warning I feel his fingers push into me. Finally. But before I can enjoy him he retrieves his finger and pushes something else onto my clit. The moment I jerk my head up to see what he's doing.. I can't even really see what it is.. something begins to vibrate. My eyes close in desperation.
It takes all my willpower not to scream loudly.
This is too much. I feel dizzy from the swing going back and forth again and that vibrator. It's just too much.
"Please. I can't.." I stammer.
"I said. Quiet, Anastasia. " Did he push the swing? Whatever it is, my mind is spinning at this point. Several things happen at once, another straps gets removed, I somehow end up leaning back, my head so heavy it just hangs towards the ground. The vibration is gone and without a warning he pounds into me.
I cannot contain my desperate need anymore. I moan over and over again as he pushes and pulls me onto his standing self.
I come loudly, my limbs unable to hold my body's tension. I fear that I'll slide through the few remaining slings and strain my wrist and ankles. Before that can happen he wraps me around himself. When did he unclasp my restraints? How did we end up against the wall? I don't remember. But I'm flush against the smooth surface and he's taking me roughly until he comes.
I feel like I'm about to faint. That's was mind blowing. And I thought the sex we had before was amazing.
Slowly he pulls out of me and let's my feet touch the ground. My not so steady legs are giving away under my weight. How long was I hanging in that harness?
Christian scoops me up and carries me to the bed.
"I'm not done with you yet."
This man is a bundle of stamina. And to my own surprise, I'm so glad to be his vessel to burn off his excess energy.
After the scene he carries me to the guest bedroom. I'm so glad he just scooped me up, knowing I was so tired I couldn't walk for the life of me.
When he puts me down on the bed, he plants a kiss on my hair. Is he going to leave me here on my own? That feels so wrong. Like being used and abandoned. To my disappointment he leans forward to rise from his seated position. Instinctively I grab his wrist. But what can I say without sounding needy?
"I'm just getting some stuff. I'll be right back." He says. I can't describe how relieved I am to know that he's better at reading me than I thought. Or.. He intended to stay and wasn't planning on leaving anyway?
I take the opportunity to head to the ensuite to clean up. The walk there feels like a hike.
When I exit the bathroom I see him sitting on the bed, dressed in a t-shirt and his cotton pants, taking a sip from a water bottle. Putting on a robe I found, I tiptoe back to the bed and lay down beside him.
"Here." He hands me some water and what looks like a bag of snacks. This is weird. After that crazy fucking we did a second ago, this feels too normal in comparison.
"How was today's scene for you?" he asks after we enjoyed the postcoital calm and presence of each other.
"Good." I say and mean it.
"Nothing that you didn't like?"
"Not really. Although calling you Sir takes a little getting used to."
"That's more of a way to get you in the right mindset. Some prefer Master." That makes me laugh.
"You definitely are the master of your universe." I splutter in between laughs.
"What?" He asks.
"Nevermind."
"Some go with Daddy." He says. Eyeing each other at first, we both burst out laughing.
"I'll try and get used to Sir." I say after we calmed down. He shuffles to a lying position and pulls my head on his chest. Oh wow. This feels so nice. Actually cuddling like this is almost as good as having crazy red room sex. I could get used to this.
"Anything in particular you liked?" he pushes again. Didn't I just answer that?
"This." I say and wiggle a little closer to his neck.
"Yeah.." He nuzzles my hair.
"It would be even nicer though, if I knew where and how you're comfortable being touched." He did mention something the first time we met, however I was so overwhelmed by everything that day I'm not sure I remember all of it correctly.
"Chest and back, mainly. No touching when naked. A little contact acceptable when dressed."
Well, that was surprisingly easy to find out. "So this is acceptable?" I ask and put my hand on his shirt where his heart beats steadily. He shifts slightly.
"Not pleasant. But endurable." I lift my hand.
"What about this?" I say and roll on top of him to kiss him.
"More than pleasant." Christian whispers against my lips. I lean down to feel his tender touch again, closing my eyes to fully absorb the closeness and intimacy of the moment.
"This might be my favorite part of today, too." He says. I can't help but grin to his little confession.
"Can you stay here till I fall asleep before you go?" I ask, encouraged by his words.
"Ana, you really think I'd just leave you here and fuck off?"
"You normally sleep alone…" I begin to reason.
"Not by choice." He says and turns off the light. I take a deep breath and sigh in contempt.
"Yeah, definitely my favorite part." I say and close my eyes, slowly drifting off.