Chapter 12 – Cookie Confessions

-:-:-

It wasn't all fun and games, of course. Sometimes it was social obligations forced for the sake of maintaining relationships with supposed allies by way of a 'Pal-entines Day' party. Ben wasn't entirely annoyed at having to make space for this in his schedule though. For once, Evie's need to get them together once a month finally fell in his favor because this was a more innocent and harmless alternative than the ball the council of Central Auradon tried to propose.

Thankfully, Ben's mother had shut that down with the help of Queen Snow – and the two of them were spending the holiday in Sardinia for a Pal-entines dinner of their own with King Christopher. Ben was glad she had their company to keep any of her sadder memories at bay, for while the sentiment of romance was shoved down the collective's throat on a regular day n Auradon, it was even more pointedly driven home on Valentines' day.

Ben had attempted to determine the best course of action for approaching the holiday at the villa, wondering if he should avoid it altogether to give them some space, when he'd gotten the invitation from Evie. It was a bit of a relief, and with Chad promising to make several trays of his mini chicken pot pies, Ben was honestly looking forward to the evening.

There had been some hectic holiday parties during Yule, but they hadn't really gotten together since the breakups and rearrangement of their relationships. Aziz was now officially with the pirates, properly wooed by Uma's adventurous spirit and Gil's easy-going attitude, Harry obviously buying into the prince of Agrabah being Ben's body double and gladly cuddling into his side. Perhaps it wasn't kind to allow the misconception, but all four of them seemed happy, so maybe it was for the best. Something good to come out of an awkward situation.

The Core Four seemed to have fallen together the way they always should have, though it was obvious – at least to Ben – that not all was entirely well. There was a certain edge of something he couldn't place – and maybe Evie was insecure losing Chad and Doug and Carlos was confused about Jane and Mal was just uneasy for some reason. Ben would have hoped by this point that they would have figured their shit out, but Evie was still just as happy as ever to make a beeline for Doug, Carlos doing the same with Jane, leaving Chad awkwardly on the outskirts and while that infuriated Ben to no end, Jane was quick to reel the blond in by slipping her hand into his and tugging him close to join the conversation, which didn't make Carlos feel better but you couldn't really win them all, could you?

With that situation taken care of, Ben did his best to revert to his usual laidback persona and take things easy, confiscating a small heap of mini pot pies onto his plate and wandering in Gil's direction because that guy was always an easy distraction.

Before he could get there he was waylaid by Jay, who expertly maneuvered Ben into a more secluded section of the first floor in a movement that Ben honestly wouldn't have caught had he not been looking for it.

"Jay," Ben greeted around a happy mouthful of pot pies. "How are you?"

"I'm good," Jay said, shyly tucking a stray strand of hair behind his ear. "And you? With everything that's been going on…"

"I've been taking it one day at a time," Ben answered honestly, giving Jay an easy smile that the Agraben lingered on.

Jay likely wasn't aware of the bashful signals he was giving off, small, hopeful flirtations that confirmed the fact that he was still attracted to Ben, which… it wasn't greed, Ben decided. After all, Ben had very little room to talk. He had a great fondness for multiple people – why shouldn't Jay? The Agraben had, until recently, had so few good things in his life. Of course he wanted to cling to what made him happy – that was simple logic.

So Ben didn't shut down the small flirtations the same way he would have for anyone else, because it was Jay. He was flattered by the Agraben's attention and in truth, they'd had a lot of fun together, so he didn't see much harm in giving Jay his full attention, asking him questions and giving him small compliments to make him feel good. Jay was Mal's sweetheart, and Ben had already proven to be terribly susceptible to those.

"I thought it would be weird, you know?" Jay was saying, wearing a dull flush as he fidgeted with his cup. "To um- suddenly be allowed to date all of them. I spent so long thinking I wasn't good enough-"

"You're plenty good enough for them, Jay," Ben said honestly, interrupting because that was important. "More than good enough. You're just as brave and heroic and good as they are."

The words were true, and worth it for the way Jay's flush darkened. "But they're actually doing important things."

"So are you," Ben said, knowing that Jay was referring to how the others were more involved in the political side of the refugee issues. "You're a role model, someone the refugees can look up to and aspire to be. You've overcome so much to follow your dreams, and that's inspiring. You can't forget that."

"That's um- what Mal and the others say too," Jay murmured, ducking his head shyly. "It's just hard not to compare myself to them sometimes."

"What you're doing is just as valuable," Ben repeated. "And in addition to that, you're supporting them. Having someone like you to rely on – that's a gift, and they understand that. Now you just need to understand that."

"Ben…" Jay said, trailing off with a flustered look, chewing on his bottom lip. "I um- I miss you."

Ben didn't freeze, because they were friends, busy friends, even, and busy friends missed each other. "I miss you too," he replied. "Honestly, I can't wait for things to start calming down. It'd be nice to have a social life again."

Jay looked off to the side, because that obviously hadn't been what he meant. "I look forward to that too," he whispered. "But I uh- was actually referring to um… you know."

A beat, and then Ben allowed himself to project a quiet realization. "I'm flattered, Jay-"

"Don't say that," Jay pressed, making a face. "Please."

"I need to," Ben said lightly. "I don't think this is something we should talk about anymore, all things considered."

"I talked to the others," Jay said, meeting his eyes again. "They said it'd be okay if we started-"

"Jay," Ben interrupted, keeping his voice quiet, the world around him becoming slightly detached. "That's not what I was referring to." When Jay tensed, Ben continued, "That last time…"

Because he was good, because he was decent, Jay's expression immediately morphed into something entirely stricken and guilty, because while what he'd attempted to do had been an act of terrible desperation it had also, without question, been just plain terrible.

"I'm sorry," Jay whispered, his eyes welling with moisture. "Ben, I'm so sorry. I was desperate and stupid and I- I just wanted so badly, and I thought- I thought you'd be happy too, and that was selfish and awful and I don't- there isn't an excuse for it, but if you could give me a second chance…"

"Jay," Ben said, and that was really all that was needed, one quiet word to bring Jay to a halt, his cheeks flushed for an entirely different reason now. "I think it's better if we don't."

"But…" The tears were actually leaking down Jay's cheeks now. "But you- you gave Mal a second chance, after the um- the potion. You… I mean…" Ben set his things aside, reached out so he could take Jay's shaking hands between his own, the Agraben finally putting the pieces together. "You did, didn't you?"

Ben just gave him a tired look, one that made Jay freeze before he started shaking again.

"You didn't," he whispered, his voice thick. "Is t-that why you didn't like having sex with her?"

"I like Mal," Ben said, his voice quiet. "But it was hard to trust her after that."

"W-Why didn't you say anything, back then?" Jay asked. "After the lake-"

"That would have sent all of you back to the Isle almost immediately," Ben said. "And then none of the Isle reforms would have ever gone through, you have to know that."

"Oh." Jay pressed his eyes shut, though that wasn't able to keep the tears from flowing. "Do… do you hate us?"

"No," Ben said, squeezing his hands again. "You and Evie and Carlos – you three gave me hope for the Isle, because even in the beginning, you couldn't hide how good you were."

"Oh," Jay repeated. "I um-" He swallowed, clearly overwhelmed with this information. "You played along for Mal?"

"She was an angry girl with a bad plan," Ben said. "But like Uma, her heart was in the right place." Or, it was now. "I tried to give her the support I could, but my position is- it requires people I can absolutely trust."

"And that's not me anymore," Jay whispered, seeming crushed by this.

"You might be again, one day," Ben offered. "It's just not now."

"Oh." Jay really started crying then, helpless tears spilling down his cheeks until Ben ached for him, because the poor guy's world had just been turned upside down.

"Come here," Ben said, pulling Jay in for a hug that the Agraben gladly collapsed into, burying his face against Ben's shoulder and shaking through his grief.

"B-Ben," Jay gasped, trying to melt into him. "T-The spell, the- what I did, it connected me to you," he whispered. "I don't- I don't know if it affected you too, but if it did, I'm sorry."

"I know," Ben soothed, running a hand down Jay's back as he made note of this. "Have you thought about visiting the lake yourself?"

A pause, and then Jay let out a quiet sob, because at heart he really was a romantic. He had a vision of the world he wanted and that included Ben, and as flattering as it was-

Well, it just couldn't be, and that was that. He'd have to make do with Ben's friendship and platonic affection and nothing more.

Sometimes, that was just the way things worked.

-:-:-

Ben held Jay for as long as he could, keeping the Agraben off the beaten track before guiding him towards one of the bathrooms in the back of the house. They parted ways after that, Jay under the pretense of getting cleaned up while he collected himself, and Ben waiting for the door to be shut, for the sound of the vent to turn on, before he properly left Jay alone.

He shrugged out of his blazer to hide the telling stain of Jay's tears as he returned to the rest of the party, hiding his coat by Jane's purse and seeking out literally anyone else. By chance, he found his way by Uma and Carlos, the latter of which didn't try to hide how preoccupied he was.

"Hey, slim," Uma greeted with a quirk of her brows. "You and Jay have fun gossiping?"

"You could say that," Ben said, deciding to leave things vague because he was still feeling out how strong a sensor Uma exactly was.

She shot him an unreadable look but decided to let that one be. "So," she began, taking a sip of her drink. "They're really doing a number on that Sardinia council, right?"

"Um- sure," Ben said, not entirely liking where this was going.

"I suppose that's old news," Uma allowed, though now she had Carlos' full focus as well. "They've had that new council up and running for months now."

"Right," Ben agreed, and literally it was two months, the duke's arrest being finalized in December, not long after the death of Ben's father.

"So," Uma continued. "If the old councilmen were the ones being assholes about Chad dating multiple people, does that mean the new ones don't give a shit?"

Ben honestly wasn't sure what Uma was fishing for, but he knew he didn't like it, the pirate making an attempt to guide him through a conversation she'd already planned in that clumsy way of hers. Uma didn't really do subtle; it wasn't her thing.

"I couldn't say," Ben decided, going for a familiar, diplomatic standby. "Polyamory is relatively new in the public regard – and each kingdom likely has different opinions on the matter."

"That's a nice way of not saying much of anything," Uma muttered, making Ben want to roll his eyes. He didn't know why she even tried, sometimes. "Why don't I throw out a hypothetical? What if Mal's crew wants to date Chad, Doug, and Jane – do you think the new council would pitch a fit over it?"

Ben could say with complete certainty that he had no idea because he'd never thought of it. Chad's future was already settled, their house and relationship secure, and here Uma was, trying to stick her nose into their privacy for the sake of her friends' collective love lives.

Carlos answered before Ben had a chance to think of a reply. "Do you think that could happen?" he asked, looking hopeful. "If we asked-"

"Jane already turned you down," Ben said, not cruelly, no anger, just- it was a fact, it'd happened.

For whatever reason, pointing this out got him a startled look from Carlos and an intrigued expression from Uma.

"I… yeah," Carlos said, shifting uneasily. "But that was just to protect Chad, right?"

Ben let his gaze drift across the room to where Chad and Jane just happened to be standing together, the Light Fae seeming happy with her arm curled around Chad's, leaning into his side while they both listened to Aziz recount the latest adventure he'd taken with his father.

In true, political fashion, Ben chose not to answer Carlos' question, instead opting to make an observation to keep from having to do that very thing. "They seem happy to me." He shifted his gaze back to Carlos. "That's not to say she was unhappy with you," he continued. "But things changed. That happens in relationships."

"I…" Carlos was still staring at Jane, looking heartsick and flustered and Ben didn't blame him because he now knew firsthand how great Jane was.

"Fuck, Florian," Uma groused, sending Ben another unreadable look. "You're a cold one."

"I'm just telling the truth," Ben said, keeping his tone gentle, patient. The emotionally-competent Auradon everyman talking to the heroic Isle survivor.

Which was a joke, sometimes Ben was sure Uma was more in-touch with her feelings than he would ever be.

"You know what's weird?" Uma pressed, looking at him with narrowed eyes. "Carlos and Evie – hell, even Mal – get this hopeful look in their eyes when their old partners come around, because they miss you, they miss what they had. Early on, Jane and Doug were like that too." She pursed her lips together, judgement clear in her expression. "I've never gotten a hint of regret from you, though."

Ben would give Uma this, she never backed down from a fight, even if she really should. She never held herself back when she thought there was an injustice that needed to be corrected, and while that was sweet on one hand, on the other – or at least, right now, it was really damn annoying.

But Ben was well-practiced in having conversations he didn't want to be a part of, so he surrendered to his weariness, letting it show after he'd made a good effort to hide it, using it as a tool, the same way he did anything else. "That's not a luxury I can afford."

"Even in private?" Uma challenged.

"This isn't private," Ben pointed out, making both of them pause.

She didn't say anything, and he didn't either, suddenly no longer wanting to be here. He'd rather be home- or just, at the villa. He'd rather be talking to Audrey. He had written some poems for her, and she liked it when he did that – or, she thought it was amusing and appreciated intellectual wordplay. Sometimes they wrote poems together for Chad.

It was all small things. Little things.

"When you say shit like that," Uma began. "It's like we don't even know you."

Ben chose not to say anything, because they didn't really know him. They all thought he was nice for the most part. He wasn't really nice at all. Ben suspected that he hadn't been nice since he was four.

"Ben," Uma continued, because she couldn't let things go. It wasn't her way. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Ben said, taking a slow sip of his drink. "Thank you for asking."

Uma considered him for a moment, then turned her attention across the room to where Gil had joined Aziz's conversation. "I guess you wouldn't tell us if you weren't."

"I really am fine, Uma," Ben said, though his tone was tired.

"You know we could help you if you just talked to us, right?" Uma said, her gaze piercing.

"You do help me," Ben replied. "And I appreciate that."

He managed the words without laughing because they were true, and he wasn't shocked that Uma was trying to get him to level with her. That was the kind of person Uma was, her sense of justice was unwavering, but there was nothing Ben could help her with here. She lacked the subtlety Ben needed to be a true ally.

"Do you think we're incapable?" Carlos asked, his voice dangerously low. "That we wouldn't understand?"

Before Ben could not reply – because he wasn't going to – Mal strolled into their conversation, wearing a large smile as she slung an arm around Carlos' shoulders. "Why all the long faces?" she chirped, aiming her good mood at Ben. "Did something go awry in the world of politics?"

"No," Ben said, giving her a soft smile. "Things are actually going pretty well there for once."

Aside from everyone trying so very hard to make a bid for his hand. Aside from his mother's increased visits to Sardinia and Hanover. But those were both manageable things. For the most part, everything was good. Chad was having regular meetings with his father, Ben had the villa and Audrey and in twenty-two months, he could propose to her the way he'd been planning to since freshmen year.

Dreams really do come true when you believe.

"Just asking Benny boy if he's got any new romantic aspirations," Uma declared, likely to throw all of them off. Being purposefully antagonist was a tactic Harry liked to use, which even Ben knew despite barely talking to the guy.

"I don't," Ben offered Mal. "I think I'm going to be single for a bit."

"Yeah?" Uma prompted, ignoring Mal's sharp look. "And when you're done with that, then what? You don't seem particularly concerned."

"I'm not," Ben said. "It'll happen when it happens."

"For a guy who likes to have everything planned out for the sake of his kingdom," Uma began. "You seem pretty flippant about this. Unless you already have it planned out, and-"

"Uma," Ben interrupted, deciding that there was only so much patience his good guy disposition would have. "What are you getting at? You've been trying to pick a fight with me for the last five minutes and I want to know why."

"And I want to know why Jane broke up with Carlos," Uma declared. "I want to know how a man with enchantments to maintain his good health somehow died of a heart attack. I want to know why that whistleblower in Sardinia waited until now to finally come forward."

"You already know the reason for all of those," Ben said. "I don't know what else you want from me."

"I want you to be honest with me," Uma snapped. "Because as much as I fucking love the guy, I'm pretty sure Aziz wasn't the body double you sent to the Isle, which means you threw us off scent on purpose."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Ben said, allowing himself to be confused. "And I already told you I can't disclose the identity-"

"I thought we were your friends," Uma pressed, slowly gaining the attention of those around them. "I thought we were working together to create a better future for Auradon."

"I thought we were friends too," Ben said, anger seeping into his tone. "I'm beginning to realize I might have been mistaken."

Uma's eyes flashed with frustration. "Don't turn this around on me."

"Friends respect boundaries," Ben said. "You know there's a difficult balance between honoring my duties and-"

"Don't give me that shit," Uma snapped. "Ever since the barrier fell you've only ever given us half the story. You play the nice, quiet guy, but even we know there's more to running a union of kingdoms than you've ever let on. You said we were your advisers-"

"You are," Ben said, because they were heroes and Ben had to keep them busy somehow even though they lacked the formal education to help in a substantial capacity.

"Then fucking talk to me," Uma spat. "Talk to Mal, and just- pretend that you miss her instead of cavorting with Jay to try and back up your sob story, despite the fact that we all know you had more sex with him than you ever did her but won't own up to it because you're terrified of being labeled queer-"

Ben was pretty sure something in him snapped just a little bit, which might have been Uma's point. It may have been the goal all along.

"You think- you think I care about that?" Ben asked – and sure, the distant part of him that had his father's dangerous growls echoed in his ears about how he could never be so debase as to lie with another male might have, but that was an old, quiet thing he had gotten used to ignoring. "I don't. It couldn't matter less-"

"Then why didn't you like being intimate with Mal?" Uma asked, somehow become the Core Four's spoken champion in the last ten minutes.

"Because she love potioned me," Ben snapped, deciding to hell with it.

It was worth it for the way they jerked back, and even if he'd already seen the response in Jay that evening, maybe it was a little satisfying seeing that get multiplied by the select dozen worthy of sharing Evie's private space.

"Not that it's any of your business," Ben said, hissing the words through clenched teeth. "Not that it bothers you much because you did it too, but our entire relationship was built on my will getting magically usurped by Mal, and I had to run with it when I broke the spell, I had to pretend things were fine because if I didn't, then guess who gets sent back to the Isle?" He turned to face the rest of the room. "Guess which reforms I never get off the ground? Guess which penal system never gets overhauled?" He turned back to face Mal, and maybe this conversation was a long-time coming. "I liked you, Mal. I like how protective you are of your friends, I like your strength and your talent for art, but I had to give up a lot to stay with you, and I tried to make that work, I did what I could, but I couldn't completely surrender myself to you intimately, and that's not because I'm gay," he aimed that at Uma. "But because I couldn't trust you. Because you hurt me. And I was willing to deal with that long term, willing to do what was necessary to let us have a happy marriage because I do a lot of things I don't want to for the sake of Auradon. That's my job. Mine."

She was crying now, and maybe he was tearing up too, and he didn't know if they were real tears or just exhaustion as he turned back to face Uma.

"There, are you happy now?" he asked. "Because no one else is. That's the cost of truth. Sometimes… sometimes it's just better to leave things be."

Uma just stared at him, they all just sort of stared at him, Mal hunched in on herself and crying, Carlos wrapping around her shoulders.

He really was a big, mean beasty, wasn't he?

"I'm sorry, Mal," he said, because he shouldn't have done that in front of so many people. "I wanted you to be happy, at least."

"Light," Mal croaked, pressing a hand to her mouth as she weakly sobbed into it.

"I um-" He turned to face the others who all stared at him in varying degrees of surprise. "I would appreciate it if you all kept this private."

"Why did you run after me?" Mal gasped. "When I went back to the Isle, why-?"

"Because if one of the teens I rescued from the broken prison facility willingly returned to it, I'd never be able to get anyone else off."

He'd been tempted to leave her there. He'd wanted to leave her there.

Chad was the one who talked him out of it, who reminded him of his duty.

There was silence again save for Mal's quiet sniffles, and Ben knew that whatever relationship he had with the majority of the people here was done.

On the bright side, that meant he no longer had to deal with Uma diving into his personal business.

It looked like she'd never get the answer to the rest of her questions after all.

The damage was done, and so was Ben, so with that he turned to leave, crossing the room in efficient strides as he picked up his folded blazer, slipping it on before he pushed out into the night. He could teleport back to the villa, but maybe he'd play it safe and go back to his empty suite. He'd have to call Audrey, obviously, he always needed to-

"Ben!" that was Chad stumbling out the door, Jane and Doug following behind him as the blond pressed forward, moving until he could pull Ben into a hug. "Don't feel bad, you did what you could-"

"I was an asshole," Ben said, and maybe Doug and Jane startled and maybe they didn't but it was true. "I am an asshole. I've always-"

"No," Chad said, his hands reaching up to Ben's wrists to detangle Ben's fingers from his hair because he realized he was tugging at it, the way his dad used to sometimes when he was being a particularly stubborn shit. "No, you haven't. Remember when we met? Remember when you saved me and let me spend the night?"

"I just didn't want to be alone," Ben croaked. "I took- I took advantage of your loneliness-"

"You've been the best friend I could ever hope for," Chad interrupted. "You gave me Audrey, you got me Jane and Doug. You're the best."

"No I'm not," Ben croaked, tears spilling from the corner of his eyes. "The best wouldn't have eaten that fucking cookie in the first place."

Chad paused, and Ben knew why, knew because Chad and Audrey had shared the same question since that fateful day sophomore year when Ben had fucked everything up.

"Why- why'd you eat it?" Chad asked, his voice soft. "If you knew it was bad…"

Ben shuddered in Chad's hold, wanting to lean forward and surrender to his comfort and wanting to pull away to spare him Ben's baggage because he was going to ruin everything just like his father did, which was funny, because his father was the reason Ben had taken a bite of that enchanted cookie in the first place.

"I thought it was poison," Ben admitted, making Chad freeze as Ben shared the words he'd only spoken to himself. "I thought it'd be poison."

But he should have known Mal wouldn't be that kind. He should have known.

"Ben," Chad said, his tone unreadable.

"Things were- they were bad," Ben said, because coronation was around the corner and he wasn't as malleable as his father wanted and how dare Ben question his penal system and he'd show him. "I just wanted- I thought- if I was out of the way, Audrey would take over," he admitted. "And then my dad wouldn't have a say anymore, and she could take care of you and everything would be better and-" He let out a wet, painful sound. "I just wanted things to be better, Chad, and I made them so much worse."

"Ben," Chad said, frantic maybe, his hands fluttering up and down Ben's arms. "Ben, Ben, it's okay- you made it okay. You're king and Audrey's gonna be your queen and your dad can't do anything anymore. It's all good."

But Ben wasn't. Ben was mean. He was cold and greedy and unapologetic and broken, and he had too much hate in him to be good, he really did.

"I love you," Chad urged, hugging Ben close. "I love you, okay? Nothing's ever going to change that and that's not just because you saved me, let me tell you. I had my pick of the litter, right, and you and Audrey are the best."

"He's right." Ben blinked when Doug joined them, and Jane was there too, both of them looking tearful but so very certain. "Ben," Doug continued. "I'm sorry you've been hurting so much, but we're here for you now, okay?"

"It wasn't right for Uma to pick at you like that," Jane added.

Ben shook his head. "She was just looking out for Mal."

"And now we're looking out for you," Doug said, hugging them all close, and with his enhanced dwarf strength it was um- very nice. "Come on, let's go home."

And Ben- maybe he started crying at that, helpless things, because he hurt so much sometimes and revisiting those pains was hard, but having these three, even after all that-

They were fools, obviously.

But they stayed, and that was what mattered.

-:-:-

Endnotes:

Because no one's that chill after getting their free will usurped and the fact that this is rarely touched on in fanfics is *wild* to me.

Until next time :)