Reasons

by SilverShadow1711

The world could be a cruel, wicked place, filled with nightmares and terrors unending. Erwin Smith made the choice to throw himself into those nightmares, but even the most steadfast man is not an island. At the very least, there was someone he could fall back on, even if it took him some time to realize it. (Erwin backstory-centric, the slowest of slow burns. Cross-posted on AO3)

2. Scouts

000000000

Ch.2- "Scouts"

000000000

Erwin didn't know why he had expected such a drastic difference outside Wall Maria. Maybe it was because, all his life, everyone spoke of the lands beyond their borders as though it were another world. But really, it wasn't that different from the land within the walls. The same dirt, the same flowers and grass, the same trees… Maybe the air smelled a little fresher. The only difference really, was the lack of people, the lack of houses… and the abundance of Titans.

On their first scouting mission after the 89th Corps joined, they had been lucky. They'd made it all of five kilometers before running into their first Titan. In fact, they probably could have avoided the damned thing all together if they'd just turned around and retreated. But Commander Shadis made it clear that he could not tolerate the word "retreat". Humanity would never tame the world beyond the walls if they just left the Titans to run amok, so they were commanded to engage.

If it had been just that one Titan, things might have worked out for them, but of course, the battle cries of veteran soldiers and the terrified screams of new recruits who had never faced anything more threatening than wooden cutouts drew the attention of the other Titans in the area and before they knew it, there were no less than six on them. They had only trained on level ground for hand-to-hand combat, but fortunately, the ODM gear stuck fast in Titan flesh just as well as it did in tree trunks. It was a far different feeling, dragging his blades through flesh rather than cloth and foam.

Their blood burned when it made contact with air, and even though it cooled as it quickly evaporated, it left his blades slippery in his hands. Swinging through the trees just a few months ago had been exhilarating, the air filled with whoops and cheers and bragging. Now, the screams were fearful, and all the bragging had turned to begging. Time felt like it stood still, but when the final Titan fell and Shadis finally agreed that another kilometer would not be worth five more corpses, Erwin realized that the sun had barely moved across the sky. Twelve of the fifteen bodies they loaded into the wagons were his fellow cadets, including Vincent Bier. It looked like he didn't have Titan blood in him after all, or if he did, it hadn't helped…

There weren't as many people waiting around the gates as there had been when they'd left. Those that deigned witness their return wore far darker expressions. The hands of the person riding beside him trembled so badly, he could hear the jangling of their tack over the muttered insults of the townspeople. Thomasin was glassy-eyed as ever, but as she stared vacantly ahead, her gaze was glazed over with still-fresh terror rather than boredom. He wanted to say something, but all the words faded into nothing half-formed in his mind. So instead, Erwin reached out, gripping her wrist with a hand that shook almost as badly as her own. Her head snapped up, as though she had just awoken, and she glanced over at him.

"...you're alive…" He squeezed tighter.

"So are you."

000000000

There were several taverns near the Survey Corp headquarters stationed within Ehrmich district, and they all did their best business when the Scouts returned from a mission. One would think that with less people coming back, they would turn less of a profit, but those who survived drank their fallen comrades' share and then some. Before graduation, Erwin had convinced himself he would never set foot in a tavern again. How could he when the memory of Marie's forlorn expression, those pretty lips that once peppered his cheeks with kisses quivering with tears, was fresh in his mind? As it turned out, he didn't think of his past lover a single time as he and his fellow surviving recruits threw back pint after pint of beer, ale, whatever the barmaids brought them.

There were no ribald stories, no raunchy jokes, no laughter, not from them. They drank in silence that was only broken by one of their group spontaneously bursting into tears, or shrieking, or vomiting everything they'd just drunk all over the table. Erwin considered himself almost composed until Gregor threw up. It wasn't the sight, or the smell- although none of that helped.

One of the Titans, a six meter, had grabbed a veteran Scout and popped him into its' mouth. It didn't bite down hard enough to sever the man; no, that would have been too clean a death. It just seemed to chew on him, hard enough to send vomit and blood spewing from his mouth, hard enough to leave his guts squeezing out through the holes in his stomach when the commander himself finally put the beast down.

That horrible, disgusting memory spurred Erwin to his feet, pushing anyone in his way aside and stumbling out into the cool night air to heave several steins of beer across the cobbled stones. Leaning his weight on his knees, the young man stood there as the seconds stretched into eternity, panting, saliva and vomit and tears dripping into the repugnant puddle at his feet. Who knows how long he would have stayed like that had a voice not cut through the stillness.

"Erwin?" For a split second, his dazed, still somewhat intoxicated mind, assumed that it was Marie. It had to be; what other woman would call out to him, their voice so gentle, so sweet? A shrill whistle shattered that beautiful delusion, drawing his attention behind him. Thomasin sat on the tavern's rooftop, waving down at him. The young man turned, nearly stumbling back into his own sick.

"What're you… How'd you get up there?"

"ODM gear."

"We're not s'possed to use that in city limits…!"

"What're you gonna do; tattle on me?" She snapped. "There's stairs 'round back. Use them, you narc." The buzz of alcohol in his veins tempted him to throw a rude gesture her way and go back inside, but the churning in his stomach gave him pause. What was he going to do in there; drink until he threw up again? Break down sobbing while the other patrons threw dirty looks his way? Rubbing a hand over his face, Erwin made his way to the back of the tavern. There were indeed stairs, but they only went up as far as the second story. Thomasin was waiting for him, however, and lowered one of her ODM hooks for him to step onto. The soft whirring as the cable was retracted was almost soothing, and a pair of warm hands grabbed hold of his, pulling him onto the tile roof. Sitting up felt like too much work, so the young man lay on his side, using his arms as a pillow.

"What're you doing up here?"

"I dunno. Thinking, I guess."

"You should've come inside with us…"

"I don't want these drunk pieces of shit glaring at me. Bitching about their 'tax dollars' like we were having a merry little picnic…!" He'd never seen Thomasin so upset before, but then again, he'd never seen a lot of things before today.

"Ignore them," He whispered, letting his eyes slip shut. "They're ignorant. They don't know what we know… and if they're lucky, they never will." He could hear sounds from the bar coming up through the roof, but they were muffled. As uncomfortable as the clay tiles digging into his side were, Erwin could have easily fallen asleep right where he was had his companion not begun speaking quietly.

"When I was little, my mom worked in a tavern and we lived in the room above it. I used to climb out the window and onto the roof."

"Without ODM gear?" He mumbled, already starting to doze off.

"Shocking, I know."

"Hmmm… why'd you go on th' roof?"

"To look around. To look at the people walking by on the ground. To look at the clouds and the stars and the birds in the sky."

"Izzat why you wanna… go on the wall…? T'look around…?"

"...yeah… I wanna see the sky up close…"

000000000

The next morning when Erwin woke up in his bunk back at headquarters, head throbbing and still fully dressed down to his belts, he had no idea how he'd gotten back, or if he'd dreamed half of the events of the previous night. It didn't matter either way; the losses they'd incurred had been plenty real, and now those remaining were left to take on the workload of the dead and incapacitated.

Mindless chores did little to distract him from the screams he swore he could still hear, and training was difficult when the remaining recruits kept dropping their swords to weep and cower from the charging Titans in their memories. It honestly surprised Erwin that he was handling the events better than so many of his peers. Of course, his hands still shook, and nightmares still left him waking in a cold sweat, but perhaps it was because he was no stranger to death.

He'd only been eight when his father had been murdered. He'd peered into the casket, trying to catch one final glimpse of the warm gaze and knowing smile he remembered so well, but those had been stolen, broken teeth and a broken nose and bruised eyes left in their place. An accident, the Military Police told his aunt when she came to take over as his legal guardian. A freak accident that had left a bruise the size and shape of a fist adorning his father's cheek. An accident that somehow ripped all his nails out from the bed.

Erwin hadn't screamed or cried, even as the casket's lid was closed and it was lowered into the earth; the shock of his father, the man he loved and respected most in the world, just being gone one day, and the guilt of knowing it was all his fault, had drained him of the strength needed to wail or rage against the world. At least, that was what he assumed. Maybe it was just that he hadn't witnessed anything horrific enough to elicit a strong reaction from him.

000000000

They ventured beyond the walls again two months later, when the majority of their ranks could once again ride without bursts of fear causing them to break out of formation. Not that there was much of a formation. Commander Shadis put too much emphasis on his vanguard, leaving their rearguard so undermanned they may as well not have had a rearguard at all. Approaching the commander with his concerns had just earned Erwin a dirty look and an extra week of stable duty, so he went to his captain instead.

"Captain Mulligan, I really think we need to spread out our forces a bit more! Our backs are completely exposed in this formation- if a Titan flanks us, we're sitting ducks-"

"And that's why we don't let Titans flank us, Smith. If you can't hear meter-wide feet creepin' up on you, you shouldn't have joined the Scouts!"

It was like swimming upstream with his hands bound behind his back. Only he wasn't the only one who was going to drown. As they prepared their horses, Erwin looked around at the other Scouts. The rest of his own squad was working as hurriedly as they could without getting sloppy, eager to leave the already rank stables made even worse by the late July heat. Aside from Captain Mulligan, Sarah Friedrich was a veteran from the northern Training Corps. Combined, they'd survived over six years beyond the walls, with dozens of kills under each of their their belts. It was almost humbling, but it was hard to be in awe when his fellow recruit from the 89th was only a few feet away, curled into a fetal position and rocking back and forth in the soiled hay. Swallowing, the blonde man knelt beside his comrade, touching his knee lightly but drawing back as though he had been burned when the other man flinched violently.

"Victor. Are you…?" He trailed off. What was the point in asking something he already knew the answer to? Another hand, smaller, tapped him on the shoulder. Glancing back, he saw Thomasin standing behind him and climbed back to his feet. "What is it?" Wordlessly, she turned and pointed at the sky. Erwin frowned as he followed her finger. He didn't understand what she was- Eyes widened as his heart sank.

"That's… just past Shiganshina…" The sweltering heat of late summer was always interspersed with violent storms. Dark clouds on the horizon to the south were like a gangrenous wound against the otherwise clear sky. Lightning illuminated them from within, but they were too far away to hear the resulting thunderclap. "We won't be able to see a foot in front of our faces…!"

"Yeah, you think Shadis doesn't know that? Even Captain Sorensen's freaking out, and that ass is threatening to have her hanged for insubordination! He's more worried about what the Assembly will do to him if he pushes this expedition back any more than what'll happen to us…" Thomasin ran a hand through the curls piled atop her head, fingers getting stuck halfway. "Heh… y'know, I thought everyone who joined the Scouts died because they got eaten by Titans… but no. It's not the Titans' fault; we're all gonna die because some jackass wants a scrap of glory..."

Erwin wanted to tell her she was wrong, but how could he when, in his heart, he felt exactly the same? Most of the Survey Corps, even the new recruits, would make a better commander in his eyes. Anyone who wasn't ignorant enough to charge blindly into the fray with no plan other than "attack". He sucked a breath through clenched teeth, forcing confidence into his words.

"We won't die. We trained for this, remember? We all trained for this!" His voice rose, though if it was due to a desire to help his fellow recruits stop shaking so badly, or else, just a vain attempt to cover up his own fraying nerves, he could not say. "We are humanity's best; we are ones who will pave the way for humanity's future! We aren't so weak as to meet our makers because of a little rain!" His impromptu speech was met with a few whoops and cheers, but honestly, seeing Victor Jensen clamber back to his feet was more heartening than the slaps on the back from the older Scouts.

"Well well, aren't you just full of piss and vinegar, Smith?"

"Heh, Keith needs to watch his ass; brat's still wet behind the ears and already comin' for his job."

"I have no intention of challenging Commander Shadis," Erwin returned to tightening his horse's saddle, well aware of the doubt brewing in his gut. "I only want my comrades to take heart." One of the captains ruffled his hair as they made their way back to their own horses.

"Yeah, sure you don't, kid." The younger man dug his fingers into the leather of the straps he was holding, unsure just what was the cause of his frustration this time. Two fingers tapped him on the back of the neck, but he didn't need to turn around to know who it was.

"Yes, I know- big words from someone gearing up to jump into a Titan's mouth."

"...you're good at talking." He waited for the inevitable insult, but it never came. Erwin closed his eyes, breathing deeply and trying to ignore the sound of his pulse pounding in his own ears.

"Do you think anyone believed me? That anyone actually still believes the oath we all took?"

"I dunno." Thomasin clapped a hand on his shoulder, giving it the slightest squeeze. "Try not to pave humanity's future with your corpse today, Smith."

"You either, Lindemann."

"No. Not today."

000000000

Erwin still believed in his heart that his fellow soldiers in the Survey Corps weren't weak enough to be laid low by a little rain, but the storm they had ridden into was something ripped from some ancient religion, torrential downpours that could flood the world. They needed to set up a new base if they were going to have any hope of making it more than a few kilometers beyond Wall Maria, but the Royal Assembly was refusing to allocate them any more funds for construction unless their regiment could at least clear the immediate area.

They had to start making progress before winter came and blizzards made transporting supplies impossible, but the sheets of rain stinging their eyes and pelting them through their cloaks was just as bad as any blizzard. Even without the splashing of kicked up mud, or the hiss of rain or howling winds, the lightning and thunder drowned out any commands that came from more than a meter away. They couldn't even hear their captains' orders; how could they have been expected to hear the Abnormal that had been on their tails until it threw itself at them?

Several horses were knocked away like blocks in the midst of a child's tantrum, their riders sent flying, as the five meter beast slid into them. Struggling to roll over its pot belly in the mud, it resembled an overgrown sow more than a man, Erwin seethed as he scrambled to lock in his blades. A sow that stared at them with all-too human eyes and teeth, dozens and dozens of teeth that ground up the body half hanging past its' lips.

"Smith! Jensen! Friedrich! Do not engage!"

"What? But Captain-!" Sarah had already drawn her blades, one foot already on her saddle.

"I said no!" Mulligan shouted over the screams and thunder. "We cannot engage vertical maneuvers on level ground! Not in this weather! Get to the forest!" The closest wooded area to Wall Maria lay only a few kilometers away, their target for this expedition.

"But sir, what about the other squads?" Erwin wasn't entirely convinced that was his voice ringing in his ears. Something that fearful? It couldn't be.

"They have their orders; you have yours! Now go!" Mulligan rode up beside him, slapping his steed's hindquarters to send it running north. It didn't take long to catch up to his squad mates; the horses couldn't gallop at full speed with the ground beneath them coming away in muddy chunks. Evasive maneuvers on such tractionless soil were nearly impossible, and the Titans were taking full advantage of that fact.

The ground shook as another Titan landed with all fours atop another Scout. Were they they all Abnormals? Was the rain making them this way? Why didn't any of their studies in the Training Corps prepare them for this?! Breathing hard, Erwin lowered himself to his horse, trying to make himself as small a target as possible. He kept trying to look back over his shoulder, but he needed to see where he was going. The rain and dark conspired against them; taking a second too long to react was a death sentence. A hand the size of a wagon materialized from the gloom itself, slapping Friedrich off her horse.

"Sarah!" Victor's horse nearly lost its footing as he tried to turn it around, but Erwin was close enough to grab the reins, leading his squad mate away from the wet crunching and sobbing behind them.

"Keep going! We have orders!"

The forest was quieter, its dense foliage providing a natural roof to protect them from the downpour. With the rain and wind muffled, the cavalry of hoof beats on soil tamped flat by wagons and Titans both was louder. At least some of the other squads reached the woods with them. Jensen wept silently, shoulders shaking as much from the force of his tears as the speed of their gallop.

"What do we do now…?" He moaned helplessly.

"I-" The words caught in Erwin's throat, clear as a bell in his mind. I don't know… They didn't have a strategy for this. Once their formation was broken up, that was it. There was no backup formation to fall into. Shadis' plan was entirely contingent on the squads being able to see one another; once they were forced into a tight, narrow space like this, they were on their own. "We… we need to get further in and switch to ODM gear. Then we can wait for Captain Mulligan and the others-"

"There are no 'others'; are you fucking blind?!" The other cadet's voice broke mid-scream. "Those Titans were all Abnormals! They were crushing more people than they were eating! Fuck this… Fuck the captain, fuck the mission! I'm not going back out there!"

"Victor, wait!" The other man put on a burst of speed, pulling ahead before Erwin could reach him. A rumble filled the air, birds in the distance squawking as they were disturbed, but the sounds bounced around the massive trees making it impossible to pinpoint exactly where it was coming from. It was aimless… but getting louder.

A sinking feeling in his gut, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up prompted the blonde man to give up his retreat, pulling his feet from their stirrups and climbing onto the saddle before deploying his grappling hooks. The wind rushing past his ears was almost enough to drown out the cracking that swallowed every other sound. Like lightning, but sharper, closer to earth. The trees were thick enough that it was easy to believe they could serve as a deterrent for the Titans, but to the fifteen-odd meter abomination that rushed out onto the path, they were nothing but the mere suggestions of obstacles. It split the trunks of those it collided with, snapping smaller trees in half and clearing the way for the horde of three to ten meters trailing in its wake.

The rest of the Scouts that had made it into the forest were going to run right into them- there was no room to maneuver on horseback, no time to engage ODM gear if they hadn't already. Frustration and seething rage burned through the fear that had kept him still and, drawing his blades, Erwin sunk his hooks into the shoulders of the largest Titan. Exhaust hissed as the cables were reeled in, the strain of the acceleration on his muscles and tendons barely an afterthought when his focus narrowed, right there, the nape of the neck. A flash of steel and the flesh came away easily. Scalding blood and steam filled his mouth. The creature went limp, his first solo kill, but it was a hollow victory when the smaller Titans had already descended upon his fellow Scouts, teeth snapping, grubby hands ripping and tearing bodies asunder as though they were little more than dinner rolls.

He froze atop the collapsing Titan, trying to suck in breath that wouldn't come, until dull, broken nails scratching at his boots snapped him back to the present situation. He hadn't been able to get an exact number, but from his cursory glance, Erwin spotted less than a dozen horses. As far as he knew, he and Jensen had been at the front of the pack, meaning everyone else was still outside the forest. Gritting his teeth, he deployed his hooks, descending into the slaughter.

How many… How many squads, how many people were left? An ever shrinking number, for no matter how many joints and napes he cut through, it seemed as though the Titans simply spawned from thin air. He'd misjudged a strike, his cut too shallow to be lethal, and paid for that mistake with the four meter he'd tried to kill swatting at his wires and sending him crashing face first into the ground.

"Fuckin' hell… Die, you bastard!" The voice above him was muted by the ringing in his ears, but the hiss and whirring of an ODM rig were encouraging sounds, along with the wet sucking of skin and muscle being extracted from a Titan's nape. Groaning, Erwin pushed himself to his knees, trying to see who his savior had been despite his vision blurring and doubling. It was hard to make out anything but the flapping green cloak, but he recognized the voice above him. "Where's your horse, Smith?" Elise Sorensen was the captain of Squad Six, and her hard, unwavering tone was like a balm.

"I… I think… probably up ahead… Victor… Victor Jensen from Squad Three kept going- he's further in!"

"Fucking hell…! Call your horse and get back to the others; it's starting to hail."

"Wait- Captain, what-?"

"I'm going to fetch your idiot teammate and make sure these fuckers aren't on our six when we retreat." He wanted to protest, but the pain shooting through his skull made it impossible to speak. He could only watch the Wings of Freedom embroidered on her cloak flapping as her ODM gear pulled her further into the forest. ' No… No, you're going the wrong way…'

"Please… come back…" Moaning pitifully, he tried to stand, finally succeeding after two failed attempts. Fresh blood dripped over his lips from his probably broken nose, and he weakly wiped it, and the sand clinging to his skin, away with his sleeve. It was bright red. So much red… The ground around him was littered with corpses, Titans and humans and even a few unlucky horses that hadn't fled the trampling feet in time. The Titans were already beginning to decompose, their flesh burning away and filling the air with embers and rancid smoke, and as their massive bodies vanished, the carnage they had caused grew more and more evident.

A leg here, an arm there, half of a head smashed into the dirt like an insect, face down so Erwin couldn't even see whose brains he was looking at. A dozen soldiers looked like a lot more when they were scattered around in pieces. The blonde cadet put his fingers in his mouth- their horses were trained to only return to a specific whistle- and immediately pulled them out as bile surged up his throat. Coughing and choking on his own vomit, he stared at his hands. They weren't steaming; the blood from the Titans had already evaporated… and yet, they were still red, caked in blood and dirt and God only knew what else.

Roughly wiping them on his pants, which weren't much cleaner, he tried his hardest to ignore the coppery sludge still under his nails and put his fingers back in his mouth, blowing a shrill whistle. It rang in his ears, making his head throb in time with his pulse, but for as loud as it was, the sound was swallowed by the trees. Still, Erwin inhaled as deeply as he could and whistled again. And again, unable to keep his gaze from wandering across the twisted bodies of his comrades. He'd trained with these people. Eaten with them. Slept with them. They talked about their families, the people waiting for them to return. The people whose lives they ventured beyond the walls to hopefully improve one day. He whistled again, but his fingers trembled and it was the wrong tone. There was no one waiting for him inside those walls.

His mother died when he was only a few years old. His father had been murdered due to his sons' stupidity. His aunt passed in her sleep a year before he graduated the Training Corps. If he'd died, nothing would change, and yet here he stood, surrounded by what remained of his comrades, his friends. His hands dropped to his sides, sweat and tears and rain mixing with the spit and blood dripping down his chin. ' No… please, God, no; I can't be the only one…'

Legs shaking, weak as a newborn foal, he stumbled through the newly formed graveyard, bright blue eyes wide, searching desperately for some sign of life. Something, anything, anything that was alive other than him. ' Please don't make me have to leave this forest alone… please don't make me have to explain that I'm the only one who survived…' There had to be someone intact, someone who was injured but still breathing. Someone who could bear this guilt alongside him…

"Hello?! Please… please, someone… anyone… Answer me…! Please… please be alive…" A moan answered his desperate plea, so weak and quiet it was easy to believe he had imagined it. Erwin held his breath, trying to silence the blood rushing in his ears as he waited, praying to any God that might be merciful enough to take pity on him. Again, another moan, just as weak, but the most beautiful sound he'd ever heard. Walking with purpose now, he tried to pinpoint exactly where it was coming from, freezing as a different sound filled the air. Speech… words… coming from a Titan's skull. No… That… That wasn't possible… Locking a fresh blade into the grip of his ODM handle, Erwin slowly picked his way towards the skull. It must have belonged to a nine meter at least, most of the flesh already burned away, leaving only blackened bones that sizzled as they too returned to nothing. A groan set him in a defensive stance.

"...hurts… It hurts…" The blonde cadet's breath caught in his throat as he all but slammed the blade back into its holster, all wariness gone at once. He tried pushing the skull away with his bare hands, but even though it wasn't as heavy as most would assume, the bones still gave off such an intense heat that even those few seconds of contact left his palms an angry red. Pulling off his cloak, he wrapped his hands in the still-dripping cloth and pushed even harder. The skull crumbled slightly under the pressure, but finally it rolled a few feet away, revealing the intact body of a Scout. Thomasin's curls had flattened to her head, every inch of her coated thickly in mud and what must have been Titan saliva, but in that moment, Erwin could have kissed her. He dropped to his knees, practically weeping in relief.

"Oh, thank god… you're okay. You're alive. Did that thing fall on you?"

"...mommy… help me…" Even without the shell of bone muffling her, he had to strain just to hear her. A secondary glance revealed that her sepia complexion was ashen, and her breaths, shallow as they were, growing more labored by the second. Where was she injured? Had it crushed her spine, punctured her lungs?

His hands were on the clasp of her cloak, about to pull it off to check for any signs of internal bleeding when he noticed that her pants were red. The starched whites they left Wall Maria with always ended up some off shade of brown by the time they returned, stained with mud and blood and other things no one wanted to admit, but this was red. The sandy soil beneath them could only soak in so much blood, and the rest of it soaked into her pants. Snapping himself from his daze, Erwin rushed to undo the belts along her right leg, wrapping the thin leather bands as tightly as he could around what remained of her left thigh. He could see the splintered edge of bone sticking out beyond the torn cloth, and tried to look anywhere else. Thomasin whined, little more than a pained exhale, as he pulled the tourniquets tighter still.

"I know it hurts- that's good. That means it's working!" Field medicine was often just as painful and damaging as the injuries they had to treat. Pulling off both their jackets- and praying her leg was the only thing the Titan had bitten down on- he tied the sleeves together, forming a makeshift belt. It was long enough, but he doubted it would hold for long. "Thomasin, wake up…!" Tapping her cheek barely yielded a response. "Wake the fuck up!" Perhaps a full blown slap was too much, but it certainly succeeded in forcing her eyes wide open, even though they slipped back out of focus almost immediately.

"Wrap your arms around my neck. I'm going to try to tie you to my back, but I don't think it'll hold, and I can't hold you and use the ODM gear. You have to hold on." She blinked at him slowly, pain and blood loss impeding her ability to fully comprehend his words, but they didn't have time for that. Erwin hoisted the injured woman onto his back, wrapping their jackets around them the way poor mothers often carried their babies while they worked. "Wrap your arms around me!" He repeated, pulling her arms in place and trying keep calm. Panicking wouldn't help either of them. Why did his stupid hands have to shake so much?!

Her head flopped forward limply, and he could hear her ragged breaths, a death rattle loud in his ear. He shouldn't have been doing this. The smart thing to do would be to leave her there and save himself, rather than put them both at risk, and for what? So she could die on the way back? Thomasin shifted as he stood, gripping the handle of his ODM gear white-knuckled with one hand while the other was still supporting her weight. From the corner of his eye, he noticed something and turned his head to glance at the woman's face pressed against his. Her skin was cold, and he prayed it was just from the rain. She was staring at him- that was why she had shifted.

"Sky…" She breathed. "B-blue... sky…"

I wanna see the sky up close…

"The sky's not blue now… You can't see it if you die here!" Biting his lip until the blood blooming on his tongue was warm, Erwin released his hold on the woman, grabbing the other handle and deploying his hooks. In his mind, he vividly saw her falling back to the ground, breaking her spine and finishing the job the Titans couldn't. But in some infinite miracle, the hands around his neck tightened their grip on his shirt. He had to be fast- she wasn't going to be able to hold on for that long. He squeezed his accelerators until he could feel the motors in the rig vibrating against his back. The weight of an additional body, even one missing a leg, was already going to double his fuel usage, but what choice did he have? They had to reach the others before Commander Shadis decided to cut his losses and head back for the wall without them. ' God no, don't leave us… Don't leave us out here… Don't leave me alone…!'

His muscles burned as every tendon worked to keep him as still as possible despite the cables' momentum snapping him forward. If it were just him, he could allow a bit more flexibility in his limbs to absorb some of the impact of the jerking motion, but the smallest shift might have caused Thomasin's grip to loosen. He could endure the tearing pain in his back and neck and legs as long as they both made it back to the convoy. That was all he wanted, that wasn't too much to ask- he could already see the trees thinning out. They were so close! Only a cruel God would impede them now, but it was a rule that almost everyone living within the walls soon learned; that life was cruel.

If it weren't for the snapping of branches catching his attention, he might not have noticed the eight meter barreling at him until he'd flown straight into its mouth. He couldn't pull up any higher, and the evasive maneuvers he could perform with a hundred and thirty-odd pounds of dead weight hanging from his back were painfully limited. Fortunately, he also had the option of going on the offensive, and as the tree trunk sized fingers reached up to grab him, Erwin managed to sever three of them off at the palm.

That, sadly, did not stop the other two from knocking against his leg, that glancing blow almost enough to fracture his shin, pulling one of his hooks loose from the tree it had anchored in. The loose cable caught on another branch, yanking the bladed handle from his grasp, leaving him defenseless as the Titan sprinted after him, frothing saliva flying from its snapping maw. ' No, not like this…!' He scrambled for the other handle, the still-extended cable quickly running out of slack. ' Not like this, no… Please no, please no…!' A brown blur zipped past his periphery, followed by a deep, masculine voice letting loose a battle cry. Erwin couldn't chance looking back, not when the edge of the forest was right there. Finally snatching back the dangling handle, he deployed another hook, bringing him- them- closer to the open sky. The rain had turned to sleet, with pea-sized chunks of hail pelting his face as soon as he landed, rougher than he'd wanted, stumbling and falling painfully atop his holster, but the blonde cadet was more than content to curl up, doubled over in the freezing mud, regardless. A hiss and clink as cables retracted, and someone ran over, kneeling beside him.

"Hey. Hey, Smith! You okay?" Looking up blearily, he recognized Captain Mike's face.

"...yes… But Thomasin is hurt…"

"Lindemann?" The older man must not have noticed the other body draped over his back until that moment because he swore under his breath. "Shit. I knew I smelled two people, but I thought Sorensen was with you... Commander!" He untied the jackets, heaving their wounded comrade into his arms. Her head lolled, jaw going slack. "Smith and Lindemann made it out, but there's no sign of Captain Sorensen!"

There were even more bodies scattered around the grass than there had been within the forest, the rain having long since washed their blood into the soil. At the very least, the towering bones that had yet to fall apart stood as a testament that their deaths had been avenged… for as much good as that did. Commander Shadis, who had been loading some of the bodies into one of their convoy wagons, paused before making his way over to Erwin.

"Cadet Smith! Where is the rest of Squad Three?" The rain plastered his hair flat to his head, washing away most of the filth that covered him even as it stole away what little warmth remained in him. Was it still summer?

"...I don't know, sir. Victor Jensen was the last person I saw alive… Captain Sorensen went after him. I… I…" What had he done? Tried to help his fellow Scouts, only to watch each and every one of them die, cursing the gods, screaming for mercy that never came? A heavy hand clapped his shoulder.

"You brought back an injured comrade, at great risk to your own life. Something many soldiers sadly wouldn't do." The commander's voice was quieter, heavy with a mix of emotions his subordinate didn't have the energy to untangle. "Get to one of the wagons, Smith- you're half dead on your feet, and you're no good to me dead." Half dead? What did 'half dead' matter when all around them lay the bits and pieces of their comrades, even less than "half"?

"Forgive my insubordination, sir, but I would rather help in retrieving the dead. The longer we spend out here, the more likely it is our injured comrades will soon add to their numbers." Shadis' jaw tightened, but if he had been planning an angry retort, he bit it back.

"Fine." As the older man walked away, Erwin let his head fall back, rain and hail falling between his parted lips, rinsing out the taste of bile and blood. The sky was a slate gray that only grew darker as they finally made their way back to the walls. All the injured who couldn't ride had to be laid side by side, crammed into the narrow space of a single wagon as they'd need the other two to pile the bodies and limbs into.

000000000

Thirty five dead, sixteen injured. It was strange how those number could seem so large and yet, so small all at the same time. It had been seventeen injured, but one of the Section Commanders, James Hugo, had succumbed to his injuries just as they passed through the outer gate of Shiganshina. How he managed to survive without his jaw for that long was a testament to how strong a human's will to live could truly be, but maybe it was for the best that he didn't have to hear the bitter jeers and snide remarks from the people he'd given his life to help.

Rather than let the remaining injured potentially pass on the journey back to headquarters, Shadis gave the order that they would remain in Shiganshina until they stabilized, while the rest of their group returned to the Trost base. Erwin would have blindly followed the wagons piled high with stained shrouds had the Commander not grabbed his reins, stopping him…

"Where're you going, Smith?"

"Uh… b-back to… base, sir?" The pain came almost belatedly, leaving the young man utterly confused as to what he had done to deserve getting punched, but then he realized it wasn't a closed fist pressed against his forehead. Shadis' already severe frown deepened.

"You're freezing and soaking wet, but you aren't shivering. Get back there with the other cripples."

"B-but, sir, I-"

"ARE YOU TALKING BACK TO ME, SMITH!? God help you, if you don't learn to shut that insubordinate mouth, you're gonna wish you were Titan shit by the time I'm done with you! Get your ass to that sick bay; that is a direct order…!"

He'd been so tired, so confused at the time that, had he not just spent three years being trained to follow orders, he probably would have thrown an actual punch at his commander… and ended up court martialed and probably dead from hypothermia as they carted him to Mitras. The entire night and most of the next day were blurs; all he remembered was being colder than he'd ever been in his life, shivering so hard his teeth chattered despite a veritable mountain of blankets crushing him. People walked and spoke around him, but he couldn't understand their words. It was all just mindless chatter, the other children in the classroom talking amongst themselves as they waited for the lesson to begin…

Everyone, please be quiet now. Today, we're going to learn how humanity came to live behind the walls…

When Erwin could finally open his eyes and keep them open for longer than a few seconds, the first thing he realized was that the angle of the sunlight wasn't anything he was familiar with. Back at headquarters, the surrounding buildings meant this kind of direct sunlight would only come in from the north and only before midday, and yet the deep gold setting his blankets ablaze belonged to the coming dusk. Moaning, he pushed himself upright, arms falling uselessly to his sides as he stopped to catch his breath. From the corner of his eye, he noticed dusty boots approaching him, but the minuscule amount of effort it would have taken to glance up at their face was more than he could manage at the moment.

"You're awake. That's good. Dr. Jaeger said if you didn't show any signs of improvement by tomorrow that you might be too far gone." Dr. Jaeger… right, they were still in Shiganshina. The Garrison Regiment "graciously" allowed the injured Scouts to make use of their sick bay, meaning they had to endure even more scoffs and insults than from the civilian population, but the trade off was that the most venerated doctor within their walls was treating their injured.

"How… how long…?" His lips were chapped to the point of bleeding, tongue barely wet enough to relieve the pain. The boots walked past what his periphery could see, rearranging his pillows before hands firmly, but not ungently, pushed him back to lean against the headboard. An older woman stood above him, but he couldn't tell if the lines around her eyes were from age or from spending time atop the wall in the blazing sun. The double rose insignia was faded on her breast pocket.

"You've been here for two days. You're… Smith, right? Erwin Smith?"

...you're… Smith, right? Erwin Smith…?

His chest suddenly felt too small for his lungs as he remembered those deep brown eyes growing dull as the life drained from their depths, the cheek pressed against his cold as the corpses surrounding them…

"-rest of your squad bit the dust, my condolences. You're lucky Keith noticed what bad shape you were in; you might have joined them- hey, what are you doing, kid?!" His arms trembled as he tried to cast aside the blankets that weighed down his legs. Calloused hands, smaller than his but stronger, grabbed his wrists, stilling him. "Just 'cuz you're awake doesn't mean you're in any shape to go anywhere. You almost froze to death, boy. If you need to piss, I'll get you a chamber pot."

"No… Thomasin…"

"Who?"

"Thomasin Lindemann. She was injured… Is she alive?!"

"Lindemann?" He nodded and the woman released him, straightening. "I'll check for you. You stay put- that's an order, cadet." Knowing there was no point in arguing, Erwin leaned back further against the headboard, the wooden frame digging uncomfortably into his shoulders. There wasn't a single part of his body that didn't hurt, muscles he didn't know he had aching and only adding to the weariness weighing him down.

The last time he'd felt this bad was over a decade ago, when he had still been a child. The memories were blurry, even more so than childhood memories usually were, but the feeling of being so tired, so heavy and sore, drenched in sweat even as he shivered, was ingrained in his very bones. He remembered a hand pressed to his head, not a rough, almost slap the way the Commander had done, but a soft hand, small and gentle and cool against his feverish brow. Maybe it was his aunt, but it was just as likely that it had been his mother, one of the only memories he had of her that didn't come from his father's stories. There was no one to comfort him like that anymore.

Even if his parents weren't gone, he'd forsaken the chance to be treated softly and gently when he'd watched the rest of the 89th Corps walk to the other branches' registries. He could have joined the Military Police Brigade. He could have married Marie. If he got sick or, through some feat of incompetence, injured, he could have requested a leave of absence and stayed home. Marie was soft and sweet… She would have sat with him and combed her fingers through his hair and stroked his cheek with her gentle fingers… He could have been safe in the Interior, far away from the Titans and the bodies and his brothers and sisters in arms laying around him in another branch's sick bay in varying states of brokenness. He could have done the smart thing for once in his life…

How can we be sure that there aren't other humans living somewhere far away from the walls…?

Reaching up, he rubbed his brow with a weary hand, trying to ease the tension growing behind his eyes. '"Fill your eyebrows with some brains"… if only I could…' Thomasin's hands had always been warm when they flicked his forehead, but the only warmth coming from her when he'd carried her was her shallow breaths on his cheek and her blood still oozing enough to soak into his own pant leg. That perpetually bored voice had been so weak, too weak to even be frightened.

Mommy… help me…

Was her mother alive? She'd told him her mother used to work in a tavern, but he had no idea if either of Thomasin's parents were alive and, if so, where they lived. Did it even matter? If she was dying, already succumbed to her injuries, even if her parents were notified, civilians weren't allowed in military bases without written permission. No one would put their hand on her head or speak softly to her- the last touch she might remember could very well be him slapping her awake. Filled with a newfound determination fueled by guilt, Erwin managed to kick back the blankets wrapped around his legs. He even swung a foot over the side of his cot before a sharp voice called out to him.

"Hey! Didn't I tell you to stay put, you little shit?" The Garrison soldier had returned, the frown she wore carving the lines around her mouth even deeper. He ignored her, clutching to the thin mattress as if his life depended on it as he swung his other leg over. If he let go, he was going to fall flat on his face, he knew it.

"I have… to see her… She can't… die alone…"

"Who, Lindemann? That's the one who got her leg ripped off by a Titan, right?" He couldn't even nod- the world was already spinning perilously fast. Sighing deeply, the older woman grabbed his ankles and all but tossed him back onto the bed, roughly yanking the blankets back over him. "Calm down, Smith. She's fine," He looked up at her sharply, trying to spot the lie that was undoubtedly somewhere on her face. But to his surprise, the older officer smiled at him. "Your girlfriend's even luckier than you. She woke up a few hours ago when Keith came by to see who was still alive, and she was pissed." Alive… Erwin sank into the bed, all the tension he had unwittingly been holding in his shoulders finally leaving him.

"I have to see her."

"You can see her tomorrow. She isn't going anywhere, trust me. You keep pushing yourself, and you're gonna end up on a pyre with your squad mates. You really want to be the guy who died from a cold when your friend survived getting eaten by a Titan?"

"No... My apologies, officer; I'll stay put."

000000000

The metallic tang of the device Dr. Jaeger had put in his mouth reminded him too much of the blood he had tasted back in the forest, and it took all his willpower not to gag. Not just because he was too exhausted to be sick again, but because the good doctor warned him that the device was full of poison and if it broke in his mouth, all the energy he had put into recovering would be for naught. Erwin didn't know what any of the numbers engraved on its side meant, or if the red line was supposed to go higher, but it seemed Dr. Jaeger was satisfied.

"You're lucky you're such a strong young man," The doctor told him as he replaced his instruments back in his satchel. "Someone with a more delicate constitution might have had their heart fail before they warmed up. I need to speak with Commander Keith; he may not be able to protect you all from the Titans, but the least he can do is make sure our brave Scouts don't succumb to the elements." The older man had a very calm, soothing voice, and the cadence with which he spoke reminded Erwin painfully of his father.

"Am I well enough to walk?"

"Well, that depends; where do you want to walk to?"

"I'd like to visit one of my friends, sir. I think she's recovering down the hall." Moss green eyes regarded him with a piercing scrutiny, but before he could wonder exactly why they were judging him, they softened as the doctor smiled warmly.

"I think you can manage a trip down the hall."

Ashamed as he was to admit it, the doctor's confidence might have been misplaced. Erwin was positive someone had replaced all his bones with lead rods while he slept, and it was through sheer willpower alone that he managed to drag himself down the hall, leaning heavily against the wall all the while. Only the most seriously injured Scouts were afforded private rooms, those who most likely wouldn't be able to return to the field again.

Opening the doors just enough to peer inside, he felt his heart grow heavier with each room passed. Limbs and skulls whose injuries were hidden by the white bandages that covered them, the people those injuries belonged to moaning and weeping quietly. The future of humanity was paved with blood and bodies, even the bodies of the living… He recognized Thomasin by her hair- it was matted and filthy, but dry enough that the now tangled curls pooled around her shoulders. Straightening, the blonde man gave three firm knocks.

"What?" Her voice was stronger now, but laced with a bitterness that still made it sound unfamiliar.

"It's Erwin. May I come in?" For a long time, she remained silent. So long, in fact, he was beginning to believe his request had been denied. Sighing quietly, he began closing the door when she called out to him, a sullen whisper.

"Fine…" He slipped inside, shutting the door behind him as quietly as possible. The room was tiny, little more than a closet. A bed, a table, a chair. No windows.

Erwin frowned- the Garrison Regiment received the second most funding of the four branches. Their bases in every district were far larger than any of the Survey Corps headquarters. He didn't believe for a moment that this was the best they could do for the injured, even on short notice. Alas, this was not the time nor place to get upset over the inequality between the military branches.

Drawing the lone chair over to the bedside, he collapsed onto it, allowing himself a moment to fully take in the woman laying beside him. She was wide awake, staring up at the plain stone ceiling with a strange look smoldering in her eyes. Her jaw tight, her normally full lips pressed into a thin line. Vaguely, he remembered what the Garrison officer had said the other day. She was pissed… In the three years he'd known Thomasin, he'd never seen her as anything close to "pissed". Frustrated, maybe, but for some reason, he'd gotten it in his mind that the young woman didn't have the capacity for strong emotions. Perhaps fear and anger and sorrow dwelled within her, but he wouldn't know. Maybe that was his fault.

"You're alive." The words sounded stupid as soon as he said them, but he didn't care. Even staring at proof, it was hard to believe.

"I guess. I hear you saved me."

"I just brought you back with me. Whoever killed that Titan before it finished eating you is the one who saved you." They lapsed into silence. The stone walls were thick, well crafted- as could be expected by the people responsible for maintaining the walls themselves- but through the door, he could hear people walking back and forth, talking… In that moment, the world beyond that doorway seemed as detached from him as the world beyond the walls.

"I don't even know who it was," Thomasin admitted in a hoarse whisper. "I didn't see anything. I remember being ambushed. A six meter grabbed Sam right off his horse. I went after him without thinking. I cut its fingers off, but… I don't know if it grabbed me with its other hand, or if it was a different Titan. I just remember kicking it in the face, like that would do anything. I was squirming too much for it to shove me completely in its' mouth, but my leg was already sticking out and it just…" She sucked in a wavering breath. "I never felt pain like that in my life. I didn't know pain could hurt so much…"

"You're lucky. The number of Scouts who have survived being in a Titan's mouth can be counted on one hand." Her jaw tightened even further, and Erwin could hear her grinding her teeth from where he sat.

"Yeah, because if they survived, chances are they weren't considered 'Scouts' anymore. They're civilians now, not even good enough to be clerks in the Corps. You count that number, and it'll be a lot higher. 'Honorably discharged for injuries sustained in the field'. What an honor…"

"You're being discharged…" He didn't know why he sounded so surprised. It was obvious, and judging by the way her dark eyes flashed as she sat up and turned to face him, she wasn't pleased with him reminding her of what she already knew.

"Yeah," Roughly, she snatched the blankets away from her waist. "I can't exactly use ODM gear like this, now can I?" Erwin's first instinct was to look away, but he forced himself to watch as she rolled up the empty pant leg. At least they'd dressed her in clean clothes. Her left leg ended about three inches above the knee, the bottom of the stump packed with gauze and wrapped tightly. "Four years, and this is how it ends. An insincere handshake and a pension that'll barely be enough to rent a room in the poorest district. 'You dedicated your heart to humanity but failed to be properly eaten by a Titan, so go die in the gutter now'." Throwing herself back down on the bed, the fingers clenched in the crumpled sheets still shook despite her knuckles standing out white against her dark skin. "All this… and I never even got to stand on top of the walls…"

This time, he did look away, suddenly sick to his stomach. It all felt like a cruel joke in poor taste, and he wasn't even the one affected. Only a few months ago, they'd been talking- arguing- about how he was willing to give up his dream for an easier life. And now, her dream was gone because she, ironically, traded it for a harder life. ' You could have joined the Garrison, and instead you jumped into a Titan's mouth…' Erwin slumped in his seat, leaning his arms on his knees.

"When are you being discharged?"

"Officially, tomorrow at 1300 hours. For what it's worth, I think those orders come from the brass, not Shadis- they don't want to waste taxpayer money on something that isn't going to yield any returns. This is all because I woke up… if I just stayed out of it… if I didn't say anything…"

"So until then, you're still a soldier. Which means you still have clearance to be on top of the walls."

"How am I supposed to get on top the walls, Smith? They aren't going to let me go up on the lift- I'm too much of a liability."

"There are other ways of getting up there." The way she looked at him, he couldn't help but wonder if she was actually offended by what she clearly perceived as his stupidity.

"...good fucking god, would you hurry up and fill those eyebrows with some brains already? If you get any stupider, you're going to drown in a bowl of soup. I. Can't. Use. ODM gear!"

"No," He acquiesced in a low voice. "But I can." The pure shock that colored her face seemed like a rare thing only a few lucky people had ever seen. After all, he couldn't have ever imagined those dark eyes wide, those lips opened into a perfect "O" yet completely silent, before seeing them right then and there. As quickly as it appeared, the shock was gone, replaced with frustration once more.

"If they catch you taking unauthorized persons up the wall, they'll throw your behind in the klink."

"Who's going to catch me? A bunch of drunks?"

"You're not supposed to use ODM gear-"

"What're you going to do; tattle on me?" He threw her own words back at her, effectively silencing her. "You became a soldier to get on top of one of these walls, didn't you? Well, this is your last chance. Are you going to let your dream slip away from you, or are you going to fight for it?" Thomasin's gaze intensified as she stared at him, even more so than the way she used to look at him when they were still trainees. What did she see that was so fascinating, he wondered?

"Why are you doing this?" She breathed finally. "Why are you offering to help me?"...that was a good question. Erwin leaned back in his seat, filling his lungs with breath and holding it. It wasn't until his chest began to burn that he slowly let it out.

"Because life is short. Because there's no point in fighting for humanity if we don't get to enjoy the fruits of that fight… Because you're my friend. I may not be very forthcoming, but I truly am thankful for all the times you listened to me talk about my own dreams, Thomasin. And… I feel… guilty…" His voice trailed off.

"Why? Why would you feel guilty?"

"Because my dream is still alive… and yours, as simple as it is, might not come true. Why should something so simple not be realized?" She looked away from him, turning her gaze back to the ceiling. Was she imaging the sky above them? Reaching out, she gave his arm a light squeeze. Her hand couldn't even wrap halfway around his bicep, he realized with a touch of amusement.

"You don't have to feel guilty, Erwin. You don't owe me anything. I… It was nice, listening to you talk." Rather than absolve him of his guilt, her quiet admission only served to make him feel worse. "I hope you don't shut up about your dreams again. Hearing you talk about the way life was and the things you believe are still beyond the walls would probably inspire way more people to join the Survey Corps than all of Commander Shadis' hollow bullshit about humanity's glory." He bit the inside of his cheek, focusing on the pain rather than the nervous jitters in his chest threatening to overtake him. He rose quickly, far too quickly as a wave of vertigo swept over him, but he caught himself on the back of the chair before his companion noticed anything was off.

"In that case, I'm not doing this for you."

"What?"

"I owe you nothing; fine. My offer still stands. Because if I can't take one person to the top of Wall Maria, how will I ever bring anyone, even myself, to the unknown expanse that lies beyond?" She stared up at him, and Erwin wondered how he looked in her eyes. Did he look bold, brave, a stalwart beacon of hope who would not waver in his convictions? Or did he just look like an overgrown child, boasting with the kind of confidence that could only come from ignorance? She gave him his answer.

"You look kind of… peaky. I don't think you'd be able to get yourself up the wall at this point, much less anyone else."

"I'm fine," He pushed, well aware of the fact that his legs were probably going to give out at any minute. "We were trained to push through all discomfort. A Titan wouldn't fail to devour me just because I look 'peaky', so that isn't an excuse to not be combat-ready."

"...you say that, but your arm is shaking. Sit down." He sat stiffly, trying to make it seem like he was only sufferingly giving into her demands and not like he was on the cusp of passing out. "I appreciate this, Erwin. Really, I do. But I'm not about to let you die because of me."

"I have no intention of dying. This is a one time offer. You can come with me… or you can remain ignorant behind the walls of your cage."

000000000

The fact that the Garrison received more funding than the Survey Corps would undoubtedly serve as a thorn in Erwin's side until the day he died. What did they need so much money for? Repairs? Not likely- it was a wonderment of engineering, but the walls stood without mortar, as if they had simply risen from the ground. Maintenance of artillery? Surely that was why all the canons were covered with a solid inch of dust. No, all that money went into alcohol and food, and for once, he was begrudgingly glad of it.

The majority of officers were already drunker and more rowdy than half the people in taverns at this time, which made slipping past those who weren't intoxicated all the easier. He supported Thomasin on her left side as they crept their way through the headquarters, led only by his half-remembered directions from several days ago. As much as he would have liked to believe it would have been faster to carry her on his back, he'd have to be blind to not see that she was currently more steady on a single leg than he was on two. Not to mention, the added weight would only make it harder to keep the clanking of his ODM gear at a minimum. The older men and women surrounding them were drunk, not deaf.

Stepping outside for the first time in days, the Garrison's courtyard was awash in gold and crimson. The lateness of the day was a boon if ever there was one- Shiganshina's streets were congested with people making their way home after work, pouring in and out of taverns, and the noise bled easily into the courtyard. It would (hopefully) mask the sound of his gear. The two cadets pressed themselves into a corner behind a stack of crates as a group of officers passed, talking loudly amongst themselves about some barmaid they had less than chivalrous intentions towards.

"We're going to have to be fast," Erwin whispered. "We might only get a few minutes up there, if we're lucky."

"You're going to get in so much trouble if you get caught…" Thomasin muttered under her breath.

"I'll just tell whoever catches us that we were in awe of the fact that they patrol the walls all day, every day, and just had to see it for ourselves. It take a special kind of bravery to risk such a horrific death just to keep humanity safe. Why, they might be even braver than the Scouts!" The admiration that had brightened his eyes as he spoke was snuffed out immediately as a frown tugged at the corners of his lips. "These good-for-nothing sponges would probably climax from being praised by someone who's fought Titans and survived. Come on."

With the way now clear, they continued creeping along, staying in the shadows as much as the setting sun would allow, until they reached the side entrance of the base. Wall Maria was right there. Even craning his head back as far as he could, Erwin couldn't see the top from where he stood, but that wasn't important. He bent, taking the handles of his gear and flexing his fingers around the grip. The tanks were a little under half full, but that would be enough to go straight up; they'd hardly need any fuel at all to come back down.

"Climb on. You're going to have to hold on for all you're worth."

"I don't know if this is worth it, Erwin-"

"It is! You're so close- why would you cower away now?" He shot her a scathing look. Thomasin stared back, her lips twitching as though she were fighting with herself to speak. Or perhaps, to not speak.

"I don't want you to get in trouble-"

"I've already made it clear that I'm not worried about that."

"...I don't want you to get hurt…"

"...and I thought I made it quiet clear when I joined the Survey Corps that I'm not worried about that, either. Do not use me as an excuse for your cowardice." Something flashed behind her eyes, but before he could attempt to figure out what emotion was strong enough to make itself known so violently, she moved, draping her weight over his back. He could feel the tendons in her forearms straining- she must have been repressing the urge to choke him. "Wrap your legs- leg around my waist."

"I can still hold on with my thigh." She wasn't lying. While only one leg could hook all the way around his stomach, the grip on his left hip was nothing to laugh at. ' Strong legs, and good balance… what a shame…'

"Hold on…"

Aiming for a spot up and slightly to the right, the blonde man deployed his grappling hooks, testing their hold in the stone before squeezing the accelerators to reel them in. Compared to zipping between Titans, or even trees, the zig-zagging journey up the wall was almost leisurely. Of course, he couldn't have gone any faster if he wanted to. Every time they lurched forward, Erwin felt his head swim. His body was already so heavy, and the weight on his back was like a stone dragging him back down to earth (even if it was a comfortably warm stone).

"If you're too tired, just stop. We're not that high up- we can go back down."

"No. I can't." How could he give up halfway? He'd already come dangerously close to such a folly in the Training Corps; he could not make that mistake again. If he made a decision, he would have to follow it through to the end, no matter how dangerous, no matter the consequences. Because if he faltered once, it would only become easier to falter again…

Ignoring the belts cutting into his instep and ankles, he continued lifting them further up. The sun cresting over the ridge of the wall was blinding, but if he looked away, the vertigo would overwhelm him. What only took a minute or two at most seemed to take hours, and by the time Erwin could finally rest his arms atop the wall and catch his breath, his lower body had all but gone numb. Thomasin clambered over him, grabbing his arms and heaving him up beside her. Too dizzy to risk standing, he rolled over onto his side so the motor of his rig wouldn't dig into his spine.

"Are you dying, Smith?"

"No… I just… need to catch… my breath…"

"If you're sick, I can go find one of the Garrison officers to take us down-"

"Don't you dare!" He grabbed her sleeve, surprising even himself with the ferocity of his grip. "I didn't nearly kill myself getting up here just for you to immediately go back down. The top of the wall is the only thing I've ever heard you take any interest in since I met you, so take it in. Enjoy it. Savor it, because you will never have this opportunity again." A strange look flitted over her face.

"Yeah… you're right… I'm going to the other side."

Erwin let his arm fall away as she shifted, making her way across the wall on hands and knee. Shutting his eyes for a moment, he waited for the ground to stop rocking, his pulse pounding in his ears. The stone beneath his cheek was warm, warm enough to seep in through his clothes and cut through a bit of the chill that he swore he could still feel. How could it have been hailing only a few days ago when it was so clear and warm today? How could people have been getting brutally slaughtered just kilometers away, when the rest of humanity was going about their daily lives without a care in the world? Such a strange world, filled to the brim with hypocrisies and contradictions.

A small smile tugged at his lips as he vaguely remembered Thomasin saying she sat on roofs to think… at least, he thought that was what she said- he had been pretty drunk that night. Did she think about things like him, about the state of the world they knew and all the things they still didn't? Or maybe she just thought about how nice it would be to have a peaceful life, without a single care of Titans or walls.

Turning his head until his neck twisted at an uncomfortable angle, he found Thomasin sitting almost directly across from him. The sun caught in the wispy edges of her curls, a halo ablaze in a golden light. ' She's a bit close to the edge…' He realized, pushing himself finally to his feet and dragging his feet over to join her. Any warning he might have thought to give died on his lips as he took in the view she stared at. Wordlessly, he sat beside her, letting his long legs dangle over the edge of the wall just as hers did. Time ceased to mean anything in moment. Everything that had once occupied his mind- guilt, fear, pride, the Titans, his father- all of it melted away, leaving him to simply behold the gilded vista that lay before him.

In the past several decades, the Survey Corps had barely made it sixteen kilometers beyond the wall and yet, just from atop the shortest of the three walls, he could see that the forests they thought to explore were only a speck of the land that stretched far beyond the horizon. They were so high up, the Titans scratching at the wall just below their feet looked almost as small as humans… and still the land before them was more massive than anything Erwin had ever imagined. This was just outside Wall Maria… There was even more out there, he knew it, but it was still difficult to wrap his mind around just how big something could be. Just how small he was in comparison.

A quiet sniffle dragged him from his awe-stricken state, and he glanced over at his companion. Thomasin had been sitting completely silent until that moment, but judging by how wet her cheeks were, she must have been crying the entire time. She sniffled again, her breathing quickly growing ragged as the tears flowed faster, darkening her shirt when they dripped from her chin. Erwin could only stare, confusion and apprehension locking him in place, as she covered her face with her arms and began sobbing in earnest. His first assumption was that she was just overtaken by emotion from the view, but no, this was too hysterical for such a thing. Those half screaming wails that wracked her whole body weren't a response to the beauty of the world; those were the sounds of an animal in suffering.

He furtively looked around, desperately hoping none of the Garrison officers heard the commotion. He still wasn't exactly afraid of getting caught, but he worried they might spook Thomasin. They were right at the edge; one start could send them plummeting fifty meters right into the waiting jaws of the Titans. He wasn't sure his reflexes would be sharp enough to pull her back without also dragging himself down. Fortunately, what few officers were still stationed along the perimeter were too far away to hear the choking wails he was being treated to. ' Comfort her, you fool…' His mind spat at him. ' Would you let Marie sit beside you and weep without doing anything…?'

No… When he'd admitted that he was, in fact, choosing the Survey Corps over her- she'd made him say it, demanded to hear the exact words from his lips- Marie had broken down sobbing, beautiful even with her pretty face awash in tears. Without even needing to think about it, Erwin had pulled her to his chest, holding her tightly, cursing himself for making her suffer, and for the length of a heartbeat, she had let him… before roughly pushing him away.

It had been easy with Marie, but Marie had been his fiancee. Thomasin wasn't. No… she wasn't his fiancee, she wasn't his girlfriend, even. She was his friend, his sister-in-arms. A woman who had stood beside him with her fist over her heart, vowing to dedicate it to humanity, who had slaughtered Titans alongside him, who had watched together with him as their comrades were piled high on pyres that burned away everything familiar and unique about them, until they walked together back to their barracks reeking of the shared stench of burnt flesh and hair.

Erwin did not speak, he did not pry- if she wished for her sorrows to remain her own, he would respect that wish. But he did move closer, until his right thigh brushed against what remained of her left, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. If she wanted to lean against him, he would let her, but if she wished to move away, he wouldn't force her to accept his comfort.

Ultimately, she stayed where she was, her screams muffled by her sleeves until they grew weaker and quieter, eventually reduced once more to whimpers and sniffles. Letting her arms fall away from her face, Thomasin panted, as haggard as if she had just stumbled back from the battlefield. She leaned back, pressing against his own arm until he was forced to remove it, and laid flat on the stone, her leg still hanging over the edge of the wall. The silence that stretched between them was uncomfortable. Should he… bring it up? Ask if she was alright? Just ignore the whole thing? The young woman saved him from having to make a decision, speaking in a hoarse whisper.

"I always imagined that it would be daytime when I came up here…" The way she spoke, Erwin couldn't be sure if she was speaking to him, or just voicing her thoughts to the ether. "I wanted to see the sky when it was blue, not obstructed by taller buildings or trees or smoke… just blue… blue summer sky. But it's getting dark now. It's almost nighttime," She reached up, her fingers straining to stretch just a little further as tears rolled down her cheeks and soaked into the fine curls around her ears. "I thought it would be closer this high up… I'm so stupid."

She let her hand fall limply, hitting the stone beneath them so hard Erwin couldn't help but wince himself, but Thomasin didn't even flinch. She just continued staring at the sky, its golds slowly being overtaken by rich violets and indigos dotted with the faintest hints of stars. Her expression reverted back the that bored, listless look he remembered so well from their cadet days, the only difference between then and now being the tears that still rolled down her cheeks with each heavy blink.

000000000

Three more of their wounded succumbed to their injuries before the week was out, quietly joining the growing ranks of the dead. It was with a morbid joviality that Issac Coleson muttered about them at least having to decency to die within the walls so they wouldn't have to lug their corpses through Titan territory. The rest of the recovered Scouts chuckled quietly, or at least let out an amused huff as they made their way back to their own headquarters in Trost. Erwin felt disgusted for smiling even though said smile fell away nearly as quickly as it appeared. If the civilians heard them, they would be disgusted, too; not only were they wasting their tax dollars, fattening themselves up for the Titans, but they were joking about their fallen comrades now? But truly, what else could they do? They'd cried, and screamed, and gnashed their teeth for so long… Man could not live on misery alone. Any attempt to inject a bit of levity, a ray of hope, into the situation was welcome.

A baker's dozen bruised and bandaged Scouts trudging through the streets gave off an air of melancholy and suffering that even a funeral procession couldn't hope to match. It was true that most of their ranks had already returned to base, but the sight of grim-faced, miserable soldiers slowly limping back to their headquarters reminded both the people as well as the Survey Corps itself that one day, such a tiny band of soldiers might really be all they see returning from beyond the walls. An elbow nudged none too gently in his ribs reminded Erwin that he was supposed to be watching were he was going and not simply the ground at his feet. Gerwalt Beck, whom he vaguely remembered graduating the Training Corps the year before him, had fallen in step alongside him.

"Did you see Lindemann off?" A knot began forming in his stomach, but he kept his expression neutral.

"No. Why?"

"Aren't you two friends? You were always talking when you were cadets." His fingers clenched of their own accord.

"She left while I was still asleep. I suppose she didn't want any of us to see her get discharged."

What an honor…

Had she really sounded that bitter the day before, or was his own bitterness tinting his memories? Reaching up, his fingers brushed against his breast pocket, ensuring he still felt the crumple of paper beneath the patch of blue and white wings. He'd awoken some time past noon to a hastily scribbled note tucked half under his pillow. Thomasin's handwriting was abysmal, maybe because she was rushed, most of the words intersecting one another, the ink smudged and bleeding, making the whole thing all but impossible for his still sleep-addled brain to comprehend. The only words that had been easily legible were the ones still lingering in his mind.

I'm sorry

Don't hate me

A scoff drew most everyone's attention. Rolfe Green was one of the few soldiers actually riding back to base, the splint on his knee keeping his leg stiff.

"Didn't want to deal with the shame of leaving the rest of us to die while she waltzes off to enjoy cushy civilian life, more like."

"Rolfe, that's mean," Alia Forster was the only captain among their numbers, one of the few whose squad actually came back with no casualties. "Thomasin didn't choose to be discharged- she can't use ODM gear anymore."

"And? The Survey Corps existed before ODM gear did-" A dozen pairs of eyes honed in on the officer, their incredulity and disgust effectively silencing him... "Fine, I guess that is kind of dumb…" But not effectively enough. "Honestly, I don't blame her for ditching this living hell. I wish I could go back to being a civilian with all the benefits of being a war hero. Getting free drinks-"

"When has anyone in the Corps ever gotten free drinks? I'm pretty sure all the taverns in Wall Rose and north charge us extra."

"Yeah, 'cuz we're the schmucks that look like everyone else. In the dark, we look just like those worthless layabouts in the Garrison. You walk into a bar with one leg, like, 'Oh, this? I just left it in a Titan's mouth'- suddenly those proles' attitudes change." Erwin found himself walking faster, until he was keeping pace beside the older soldier.

"You really think that would happen?"

"Do I think a cute girl with the world's best sob story is going to get preferential treatment? Yeah, I do."

"Hmmm… I guess you're right, Rolfe. It would be nice to walk around with our heads held high, an undeniable, physical badge of honor out on display to show the people how much we've sacrificed for them… You know, I'd be happy to help you gain that badge." Green looked down at him, apprehension suddenly working its' way into the smug disdain his dull gray eyes held.

"Wh-what are you-?"

"All you have to do is lose a leg; I think right around here would work…!" Drawing his arm back, Erwin roughly slapped the other man's knee, his palm stinging where it hit the splint, but that pain was nothing compared to the agony with which Rolfe howled.

" AAAAAAGGGHH! Mother FUCKER! ARGH, you fucking cocksucker, Smith; you're dead!" His hysterical shrieking drew stares from the people walking past them. Several onlookers hurried away with their gazes averted, but the rest stopped to watch the altercation playing out.

"What's wrong, Rolfe? I thought you wanted to go back to 'cushy civilian life'. Lose that leg, and you'll be on the next ferry to Orvud district. That's what you want, right? It's easy, isn't it?!"

"You're fucking crazy!"

"Erwin!" A pair of arms wrapped around his elbow, pulling him away and locking his arm in place. Alia tightened her grip, the eyes beneath her furrowed brows simmering with frustration. "What are you doing?! You know I have to report this to Commander Keith!"

"Report me; I don't care!" He turned back to Rolfe. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"With me?!"

"You can't even take a slap like a man, but you think you could lose a limb? Do you have any idea how lucky you are? You are alive and whole, and you are ungrateful for that… These people won't feel sorry for you!" He aggressively gestured at the crowd of onlookers. Most of them had the sense to carry on with their business, perhaps realizing they were drawing the ire of someone who had just returned from slaying things bigger and stronger than they could ever be. "We come back injured, and they hurl insults at us. We live on bread and water, and they complain that they feed us too much. We are despised. We are all but alone in this world save for our brothers and sisters in the Survey Corps, and you think having to leave even that behind is an easier life? They put that splint in the wrong place; it's your brain that's broken!"

A heavy, uncomfortable silence fell over the street as Erwin struggled to calm his breathing. Alia slowly let go of him, but he was painfully conscious of everyone staring, waiting to see if he would lash out again. Rolfe's jaw was tight, his face livid, though it was difficult to tell if that was due to his seething anger, or the obvious pain he was still in. With a quiet 'tch', he pressed his good heel into his horse's side, spurring the mount forward. The rest of the Scouts fell in step behind him. A tug on the back of his jacket kept Erwin from keeping pace with the rest of the group, the captain at his side holding the tan fabric in her fist like a leash.

"You need to apologize to Rolfe, Erwin."

"I'm sorry I didn't slap him in the mouth; that would've shut him up-"

"SMITH!" Wincing, Forster let him go reflexively to clutch at her head. The bandages wrapped around it were finally staying white. "I know you're upset because this is your friend he's talking about-"

"I'm upset because his audacity makes me physically sick-!"

"-but you need to listen to your own advice, Erwin! We are despised. We are alone. You can't divide us into 'friends' and 'friends' anymore. There may well come a day when you walk into the mess hall, and you don't see a single familiar face sitting there. Are you going to hesitate to put your life on the line for those new faces because you weren't in training together?"

"No, ma'am."

"Do you recognize that the life you left behind is inconsequential, and everyone who wears the Wings of Freedom is your family now?"

"Yes, ma'am…"

"Then why are you acting to belligerent towards Green? Tell me honestly." Erwin pressed his palms flat against his thighs to keep them from balling into fists again; the last thing he needed was for a superior officer to think he was about to get "belligerent" towards them.

"Because I was offended on Cadet Lindemann's behalf, captain."

"Your loyalty is commendable, Smith. But Lindemann isn't a Scout anymore. Green is. We may dedicate our hearts to humanity, but our loyalty needs to remain with those in the Survey Corps." The older woman sighed quietly. "Everyone who isn't us is our enemy… it's a depressing way to think, no one will say it out loud… but it's the truth."

"Yes," Erwin muttered to himself. "It's always been like that, hasn't it?"

000000000

A/N- Ahaha, I did not realize while typing that this chapter was almost 10k words longer than the last.

I enjoy this greatly. NGL, my favorite parts of AoT are the parts that don't involve any of the main trio, so writing about a world where they, for all intents and purposes, don't exist is so much fun. Okay, so I'm sorry, but… the whole "literal children are trained to be actual soldiers- and are better at it than most adults" thing is just… a bit too much for me to take seriously- no, I don't generally care for shonen plots, why do you ask? Yes, I know child soldiers exist (and I also know that it's a horrifying crime against humanity that leaves these poor children with a cornucopia of problems that follow them into adulthood) but they generally don't choose to be soldiers (unless you count "pick up a gun or be murdered with the rest of your family" to be an actual choice). I have known plenty of 15 year olds- I was one myself, believe it or not, and… no. They would be terrible soldiers. The Survey Corps mortality rate would be 100%. You really wanna take the most hormonally unstable subsection of humanity and expose them to something more terrifying than an active war zone? Titans probably wouldn't even be the main cause of death- it'd be suicides. Considering how realistically AoT approaches everything else, this kind of bothers me a lot.

As far as we're concerned in this fic, until shit hit the fan, the royal government was actually aware that literal children don't make for the best soldiers, IE, the whole "join the military as soon as you hit puberty" thing was only because the garrison and survey corps lost so many people. So, in this story which starts a good ten years before AoT proper does, my idea is that people join the Training Corps when they're fifteen or sixteen, old enough to be considered "not actual babies", and thus they enter their military branch of choice when they're eighteen or nineteen. Still young, but definitively out of diapers. Why do I bring this up? Because I'm aware that the way I'm currently writing Erwin is quite out of character… and that's the entire point. This overgrown toddler whose brains are still mashed potatoes is not going to act the same way as a thirty-something war veteran. Remember how he realized, as a child, that talking about shit got his dad whacked?...and then he continued running his mouth about that same shit for at least three years by his own admission? It's gonna take some time for our boy's brain to grow as big as his eyebrows.