000000000

Ch.4- "Familiar"

000000000

There were few expeditions in the winter months. There had been, in the past, but they proved as deadly as they had beneficial. Learning that the majority of Titans were less active and seemed more lethargic after blizzards was something that surely could have aided their progression beyond the walls, but after nearly half of the regiment of the 3rd expedition was slaughtered by the monsters they couldn't see buried in snowbanks, it was made clear that the risks far outweighed any potential rewards. So, until the warmth of spring could thaw out the hidden dangers, the gates of outer Wall Maria remained closed.

That wasn't to say the Survey Corps was given time to rest, of course. Training efforts were doubled, and supplies were stocked up. Commander Shadis wanted them to be able to move out the moment the snow began clearing, so the half of their forces that had still been stationed in Ehrmich moved into the Trost barracks as well. That was the official reason given to the groaning soldiers who were enjoying life in the innermost district, but the captains had been given the real reason, as Mike shared with the rest of his squad while they scattered fresh hay over the floors of the stables.

"Things are cheaper further south." No expeditions meant that, as far as the Council and the Assembly who bent the king's ear were concerned, there was no reason to continue pouring so many taxpayer dollars into the least useful military regiment. Being so severely underfunded would have been darkly funny if it wasn't putting peoples' lives on the line. The iceburst gas and ultra-hardened steel blades that were all that stood between them and the Titans' gullets took up the vast majority of the Survey Corps' budget, and the horses another large chunk. It was often joked that one day, they'd have to resort to eating said horses, but given that each steed cost more than most Scouts would earn in their (admittedly short) lifetime, it was far more likely that the horses would probably end up eating them if they couldn't afford hay.

"This is bullshit," Lisa moaned, leaning on her pitchfork. "If I wanted to be poor, I could've stayed home and gotten married…" Sitting heavily on a bale of hay, Gerwalt wiped the sweat from his brow.

"Tell me about it. I wasn't expecting beef for dinner every night, but I never thought we'd have to choose between weapons and rations. I don't want the Garrison's shitty leftovers!"

"We should be grateful that Commander Pixis is sympathetic to our plight. I'll take stale rations and him arguing alongside General Zachary on our behalf over every bureaucratic noble trying to dismantle the Survey Corps any day." Erwin paused, hay falling through the tines of his own pitchfork as he felt the stares of his squad mates on the back of his neck.

"...I hate you so much, Smith."

"Who the hell are you trying to impress, Erwin?"

"No one! I just think-" A heavy hand on his head roughly mussed what had only recently been neatly parted hair.

"Ignore him. The haze of young love has made him stupid and complacent." The younger blonde man slapped his captain's hand away.

"No, the haze of opioine from the brothel down the street has stolen away what little intelligence you had left." The stares that had only just been trying to flay him softened with teasing chuckles.

"Awww, someone's defensive~" Lisa cooed.

"I'm not," Erwin stated plainly. "You're all just very immature. I have no reason to lie to you. I trust you all with my life; don't you think if I were in any kind of relationship, you would be the first to know?" That shut them up, or it would have if Gerwalt wasn't an ass.

"Okay, but then why won't you let us see what you two are writing each other about? We tell you what's in our letters."

"Maybe because you clearly aren't interested in the stupid and complacent things I talk about."

"...wow, you're petty when you're hungry, Erwin," Lisa snickered, grabbing his pitchfork away from him and leaning it against the wall with hers. "C'mon, let's go get lunch- these horses have more comfortable bedding than we do now."

As they walked back across the frozen courtyard, the conversation easily turned from presumed romances to the slave rations awaiting them and, just as quickly, to all the amazing food they imagined they could be eating if they had joined the Military Police.

Perhaps if they had joined the MP Brigade, they might have pushed the point, but secrets had no place in the Survey Corps. How could you trust someone to risk their life to save you from a Titan if you couldn't even trust them to be honest about something as petty as a crush? Such a level of transparency had never even crossed Erwin's mind before. There was no reason to go around spilling his heart to people because, no sooner than he got used to their names and faces, did they end up either sent back to their families in pieces or as putrid smoke rising high above the headquarters' courtyard. But now, things were different. William had died, but Mike and Lisa and Gerwalt hadn't. They were there every morning when he woke up, and every night before he went to sleep. They left the safety of the walls together, filled with determination, and returned together with shaking hands and tear-stained faces.

Whatever walls they all put up around their hearts began lowering naturally through mindless conversation, like Lisa confessing her hopes that, if nothing else, they would be able to claim some of the land outside the walls for grazing so that poor villages like hers could have more room for farming. Or Mike informing them that, despite peoples' willful ignorance that the resources within the walls would last indefinitely, growing up in a factory town within Wall Rose taught him at a young age that everything was limited and, if they didn't find new territory, would run out sooner rather than later. Even Gerwalt admitting that he used to have nightmares about Titans eating his parents when he was younger and wanted to ensure that would never, ever happen. They were all so open and selfless and trusting. Epitomes of what the Survey Corps fought for. The kinds of soldiers who made Erwin hate himself.

When they eventually asked what drew him to the Survey Corps, the dream that had once fallen so easily from his lips died on his tongue. Because we deserve to be free… Are we birds in a cage, or humans…? They accepted his answer so readily he almost felt bad for lying, but he quickly justified his words. He wasn't lying; he truly believed humanity deserved a bigger world than what their walls offered them, and he was willing to lay his life down for that belief. He just… didn't think it necessary to elaborate.

Nearly everyone he'd told his and his fathers' theory to had died, died for more selfless reasons than he was willing to, and the few people who knew who were still alive weren't in any position to go running their mouths about the person he used to be. That part of him could die beyond the walls, too. Now, the only evidence that he wasn't the same selfless, dedicated soldier of humanity as his comrades were the handful of letters kept tucked away with the rest of his scant belongings in the dormitories.

~o0o~

It was hard to call the watery broth they were served in the mess hall "soup" when it was as thin and colorless as it was. Lisa crumbled her steamed potato into the bowl, mashing it against the side with her spoon.

"Is that any good?" Mike asked, sniffing the direction of her tray.

"I mean, it's better than hot dishwater. God, imagine mashed potatoes with cream and actual butter-"

"Shut up, I don't want to imagine things I can't have." Gerwalt covered his ears, but the damage had already been done. "Ugh, didn't we used to have carrots in the soup back in Ehrmich?"

"I don't think supplies have been shipped to this base yet."

"Maybe instead of paying extra for shipping, we should just bring the supplies here ourselves," Erwin muttered, pulling a half filled piece of paper and pen from his breast pocket and pushing his tray to the side to make room for it.

"Are you crazy, Erwin!? You want us to do more work!?" He fixed Lisa with a dour stare.

"I want us to have more money. That we can use for things like food. We have horses and wagons more capable than anything even the wealthiest merchants can afford. We're already right next to Wall Maria territory; why waste what precious little funds we have to bring shipments less than a few kilometers?" The rest of his squad all exchanged strange looks before turning their attention back to him.

"Are you trying to get a promotion, Smith?" Mike asked finally. "Because this isn't how you do it here."

"No! I couldn't care less about my own rank. I only want what's best for the Corps!" Gerwalt let out a low whistle.

"Wow… you're really devoted to the cause, huh?"

"I made the same vows as all of you; to dedicate my heart- and whatever else I can- to humanity." He wasn't lying- he truly wasn't looking for a promotion, at least, not in the sense that other officers might have been. Just as he had said, his squad mates weren't interested in what they clearly considered to be stupid and complacent. Few people cared to listen to the things he felt were important, which was perhaps why he taken to spending what little free time he had that wasn't dedicated to devising his ultimate formation writing nearly all his thoughts down in letters.

Their last expedition had been disastrous, not just in terms of lives lost, nearly their entire vanguard, but supplies as well. He almost didn't blame the Assembly for slashing their funding. Frustration had boiled inside him that night, and without even thinking about what he was doing, he found himself at his desk, no longer having to worry about the candlelight keeping anyone but himself awake, pouring his anger and misery out onto page after page in rambling, run-on sentences. It didn't feel the same as when there was someone sitting across from him, expression neutral but the understanding clear in her eyes, but he couldn't bring himself to bother his squad mates when they were all surely feeling exactly the same way.

He must have written a dozen letters before they were sent out, each multiple pages long, which was clearly what began the rumor that he was writing love letters. After all, what else could occupy so much of a young man's mind? What else, indeed… Thomasin's first letter since they saw one another by the gates of Shiganshina arrived before his treatise on the injustices she was missing out on was sent, but it was far shorter than her initial correspondence, the handwriting not nearly as careful, though still more legible than her first note.

Erwin,

Sorry things went sideways.

I'll listen if you want to "talk".

Thomasin

It seemed like a waste of a page, but it was so… familiar, that he couldn't help but smile reading it. That sounded more like he remembered. Short and to the point. Both expeditions she'd taken part in had been just as disastrous. Just as she promised, she'd been waiting for the gates to rise again, and as soon as they locked eyes, she knew. The next letter was longer, but sounded just as familiar. In his mind, he could see her sitting in the chair beside his bed, staring out the window as she waited for him to stop talking. Her thoughts had always been as blunt as they were concise.

Erwin,

Sorry to hear things have gotten worse. Not surprised, though. The more push back he gets, the more Shadis will dig his heels in. He's an idiot of a man, whose head is big and whose ego is fragile. You're a man, too, so he's only going to see you as a threat. If you want him to listen to you, you're going to have to be a woman. Help him. Flatter him. Stroke his ego. Make yourself indispensable. Make him think he's the strongest, bravest, smartest, biggest-dicked man in the world, and you'll have him eating out out your hand. I spent my life before the military watching idiots just like Shadis fall for that treatment every night. You may not be able to implement your ideas until you become commander, but you'll definitely be on the short list to being so.

Personally, I couldn't do it.

Good luck,

Thomasin

He'd scowled at that letter for a long time, not angry at the words or the hand that wrote them, but at the truth itself. Stupid, selfish men were an unavoidable part of life, one he wished he could eliminate right alongside the Titans. 'Ugh, why not just tell me to suck his dick, too…?' I mean, if it works…? The voice in his mind that sounded exactly like Thomasin answered; he could even see her shrugging haplessly. She was right, both in her letter and in his mind. How could he claim to be willing to offer his heart, his life to humanity, if he couldn't even put aside his pride? And so, he made a decision, a vow to himself, that as long as he reached his goal, he would do whatever needed to be done.

The first step towards that was getting the commander on his side, and the first step towards that had been crawling to Shadis' office with his proverbial tail between his legs and apologizing for every perceived insubordination he had demonstrated since joining the Survey Corp. It actually went over better than he'd expected; all he'd had to do was keep his head down and voice quiet. Like speaking to a feral dog, he mused as the older man tried to suss out what his angle was. No angle, he assured the commander; just a foolish child who had finally seen the error of his ways. After a few weeks of volunteering to do the most tedious busy work- inventory, food preparation, cleaning, never stable duty- he'd gotten almost every captain on his side as well. He was an exemplary Scout; dutiful, hard working, humble.

No one doubted his devotion to the Survey Corps and, little by little, Shadis began lowering his guard as well. Not enough for him to make any suggestions for the actual missions, but that was fine. This was a long game, and he was perfectly content to begin laying down roots now. Somewhere along the line, the commander had begun ordering Erwin to send out the mail from his office; condolence letters, missives to the Assembly, supply invoices. He'd his task quietly the first time, and immediately after ran back to his room to scribble an angry addendum to his latest letter.

Now he's got me acting as his secretary…

He'd have almost forgotten what he'd written had it not taken him a good thirty seconds to decipher what seemed to be a random insult in Thomasin's next letter.

That's good, you brainless idiot. Are you telling me you don't want him to trust you with official Survey Corps documents?

In hindsight, he was ashamed of his knee-jerk reaction. A year older, but still just as defensive as he'd ever been. That trust was exactly what he was cultivating, and a month after being reminded of such, just before the new year, he decided it was time to see how well that trust had bloomed.

The heavy oak door of the commander's office had grown to be a familiar sight, given how much time Erwin spent in and out of it ferrying documents these days. He knocked, twice. Once, and Shadis barely acknowledged there was a noise. Three times, and he'd nearly been headbutted for "purposefully" pissing him off. Two was the golden number. A deep voice muffled by the wooden barrier granted him entry. Slipping into the room and closing the door behind him, Erwin saluted and waited to be acknowledged. He felt like he was waiting to be called on in class.

"At ease." The commander glanced up from the paper he was writing on for all of a second, but did not stop. "What d'you want, Smith?"

"Sir, a while ago, I was discussing our food supplies with my squad-"

"What, complaining?"

"No, sir." Those jabbed asides had become so commonplace that he barely noticed them anymore. Honestly, it seemed more habit than anything, as the venom that used to lace those jabs was all but absent in the older man's voice these days. "It just got me thinking. Captain Mike mentioned that part of the reason for our shift between bases was as a cost-saving measure-"

"Yeah. It was. Those bloated, craven bastards in the Assembly think the pennies they throw at us are solid gold…" Schooling his face into an impassive, but hopefully still sympathetic mask, Erwin let himself zone out for a moment. Once Shadis started complaining about the higher ranked officials, he could go on forever. It became clear after the first of those rants the younger officer had been subjected to that the commander didn't want any input or suggestions; all he wanted was someone to listen to him bitch and moan for a few minutes. He'd made a mistake in discharging Thomasin; he'd probably have promoted her to captain within a week if she maintained eye contact while he complained. 'Personally, I couldn't do it…' The blonde man mused, his gaze fixed on the window behind the massive desk. It was hard to see through due to the build-up of frost, but the sky that was visible was a dreary gray.

"-but what do you care about any of that; it's not like you have to deal with any responsibilities…"

"No, sir; you carry the burden for all of us." He'd caught himself right before his eyes glazed over. Shadis grumbled under his breath, clearly still not buying the flattery from his insubordinate mouth.

"Continue."

"Thank you, sir. As I was saying, when I learned that this move was intended to lower the cost of supplies, I remembered seeing an invoice from the latest food shipment. It seems most of our rations come from the farms in Wall Maria, as well as the outer districts."

"Yes. And?"

"And…" He paused, pretending he was contemplating how to put his thoughts into words. In truth, Erwin had rehearsed this conversation dozens of times, trying to figure out every possible answer he could get at every junctions. "It occurred to me that perhaps we're wasting funds on shipping…?" Deep-set eyes narrowed until all he could see were pinpricks of gold staring out at him.

"What're you talking about, Smith?"

"We have horses, we have wagons. The distances to the farms and shops we get most of our supplies from is less than the distance we travel from the Ehrmich to the outer gate, and even considering greater distances, what's a leisurely ride along a populated road compared to the hell we traverse outside the wall?" The silence that fell between them was short but chilly.

"Are you saying we should waste manpower picking up our own supplies?"

"Not indefinitely, sir. We have more important things to prepare for… but, maybe in the months when we aren't taking on expeditions…? I just-" He heaved a sigh, dropping his gaze and trying his best to look defeated. Given how exhausted just standing in this horrid office left him, it wasn't too much of a stretch. "I don't know, sir. It frustrates me to no end that we are working with a third of what should be the bare minimum in funds. Whenever I come here, I see you hard at work, not just for humanity but for all of us and… I wish I could do more, but well… we weren't prepared for this in the Training Corps." He didn't bother raising his head, even though he was curious what kind of expression was playing out over the Commander's face. Probably incredulity, maybe some outright disgust; Erwin realized after the fact that he was laying it on waaaay too thick. No one would buy that tripe-

"I'll think about it."

"Sir?" The confusion in his voice was genuine, but Shadis must have mistaken it for hope, given the dark look in his eyes when he scowled.

"I'm not making any promises, Smith; our supplies aren't toys to be used at your leisure… but I'll think about it."

"…Thank you, sir!"

"You're dismissed."

With another salute, the blonde man slipped back out the door, waiting until he heard a click to let the grin that had been building inside him spread across his lips. It was a good thing no one else was in the hall; he didn't need anyone thinking he was about to kill them and eat their hands. But even after he molded his face back into a normal expression, there remained a spring in his step that still unnerved people, especially his squad mates. He kept the reason for his good mood to himself until he returned to his quarters, adding yet another paragraph to his current letter. He was already anticipating Thomasin's response, though it would probably come after the fact. "I'll think about it"? That's too many words for "no"…

Yes… Yes, it was.

000000000

Despite being one of the poorest districts with one of the highest population densities, the tax breaks for businesses doing little for the impoverished and slums, there was still something beautiful about Shiganshina, at least when the people weren't jeering at them. It was early enough into the new year that most of the population was still passive and content from their merry-making just days earlier. There were a few stares, but it may have just been because of the wagon piled high with dried and canned goods. It was probably a years' worth of food for most of the people here, but this would barely go a month towards feeding a hundred and eighty mouths. Still, the fact that they were paying out the nose for this to be delivered back to Trost was an affront. Loading up the wagon had taken less than an hour; navigating the winding streets was taking longer.

The gray (and brown and yellow) slush that churned to mud beneath hooves and wheels was a stark contrast from the powdery white dusting the rooftops. It reminded Erwin of the holidays when he had been a child. Every year, his father would splurge on one of those fancy breads filled with candied fruit and dusted with such a thick layer of sugar it looked just like the snow outside. When he was young, he remembered waiting all year for the chance to cram what was basically cake into his mouth until he got sick.

Now, years past when it was too late to appreciate it, he just missed the time he got to spend with his father. No school meant they could both stay home and sleep in, and even back then, he had been more than happy to spend the day just sitting with his dad in front of the fireplace, listening to him read epic tales of make-believe Titan slaying heroes that were a little beyond his then-reading comprehension. If he were wandering these streets alone, that unbidden memory would have filled him with an unbearable sorrow. Fortunately… fortunately, he wasn't alone.

"I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you-"

"For the love of god, Beck, shut the fuck up. I get it; you hate me." The loathing with which Gerwalt's sharp hazel eyes were glaring at the side of Erwin's head was so concentrated, it was a miracle he hadn't burst into flames yet.

Keith Shadis could be an incredibly petty man at times, and Erwin was nowhere near on good enough terms with him to avoid that pettiness. Just as he assumed, "I'll think about it" translated into a begrudging "fine". He had eventually agreed that they could save a least a portion of their incredibly limited funds by fetching their supplies themselves… And to show how grateful he was to Erwin for thinking up that little cost-cutting measure, he assigned Squad Twelve to be the ones to head out to Shiganshina to pick up their months' supply of non-perishables. Through almost a hundred kilometers of sparsely populated wilderness that separated the two districts. In the snow. On their one day off that month.

He could have easily sent Erwin alone; what did a blooded Scout with no less than twenty Titan kills to his name care about brigands, but no. That wretched man knew exactly what he was doing when he informed Mike of their new assignment. And that night at dinner, when Lisa grabbed his soup from him and carefully poured it over his head to ensure not a drop didn't run down his collar, he was honestly just glad it wasn't hot.

"This is bullshit. When did you become such a kiss-ass, Smith? I'm surprised you don't reek more of Shadis' taint." It was a mark of how pissed he was that Mike would speak so easily. Normally, you had to drag the words from him.

"I became a kiss-ass when I realized that's what it would take to get the Commander to consider my scouting formation. Trust me; I don't enjoy doing this anymore than you do, but I will do what is needed to ensure that I can serve humanity to my greatest potential." To someone who didn't know him very well, that speech probably would have sounded quite impressive, but Lisa pulled her horse up beside him specifically so he could see her rolling her eyes. She lifted a hand from her reins, mimicking a mouth with her fingers.

"'Blah blah blah'; shut the hell up, Erwin. If you wanna kiss ass for humanity, that's on you. Fuck you for dragging us into this."

"Trust me, if I had been permitted to do this by myself, I would have in a heartbeat. You're all just… suuuch good company; I'm really enjoying our time together today." His snippy response drew a fresh wave of ire from his squad mates as they very tactfully informed him that he had no right to be upset with them. They were the victims of his scheming.

The worst thing was, they were right. Maybe it was in an attempt to turn some people against him, or maybe just because it seemed individual punishments weren't very effective at breaking his spirit, but more often than not these days, if Shadis was frustrated with Erwin, he would take it out on his entire squad, usually on their days off. It wasn't as if he had done anything to deserve such treatment, but for all his complaints about people misusing their power, Commander Keith was no better.

For what it was worth, Erwin did his best to mitigate those collective punishments. Unless it was something that the commander could see had not been done by a group, he told his squad mates to leave their newly assigned duties to him. His free time wasn't worth undue hatred; it wasn't as though he did much with it anyway. He never really wanted for anything, everything he needed to survive already supplied by the Corps, so there was no reason for him to leave the barracks… At least, until a niggling something he was loathe to call a "desire" began burrowing deeper and deeper into his mind.

Letting his squad mates' gripes fade into the background noise, Erwin once again began looking around the town. Unlike the districts of Trost and Ehrmich, there weren't easily noticeable street signs in Shiganshina. Most buildings weren't numbered, but even those that were seemed to be at random. It was the kind of place where you'd absolutely get lost if you didn't already know where you were going. Twisting the reins, he steeled himself. This was probably a mistake and a half, but nothing ventured, nothing gained…

"Captain, can I ask you a fav-?"

"No." Mike's voice was colder than the air itself. That was exactly what he was expecting, but he would not be deterred so easily.

"You didn't even hear what I had to ask-"

"I don't care; you're never getting a favor from me again."

"Or me."

"Or me!" The blonde man shot his squad mates dirty looks 'I was not even asking you...'

"You don't even know what I want."

"It doesn't matter," The tallest member of their entourage frowned at him. "I don't care if this is your dying wish. I'm not doing you any favors." Erwin inhaled deeply, the frigid air stinging his nose.

"Consider it a trade, then. I'll do all your chores for a week."

"No."

"Two weeks."

"No."

"A month!"

"Damn, Smith," Gerwalt's anger had slowly begun morphing into curiosity. "What do you want to do so badly today that it's worth an extra month of chores? Just do it next month."

"I don't want to," He groaned, aware of how petulant he sounded. "I'm not wasting money to take the ferry when I'm already here." Mike's eyes narrowed as he changed directions, moving his horse to the other side of the wagon and all but pushing Lisa out of the way to get closer to him. Erwin kept his eyes facing forward as the older man sniffed him, ignoring the way his ears burned as that sniffing landed directly at his left breast pocket. Suspicion turned into a knowing look that was honestly worse.

"A month of chores and a month of your bread."

"You're going to get fat."

"How so?"

"Bread makes you fat."

"Well, that's my problem, not yours."

"Deal." The younger man pulled on the reins, stopping the wagon and handed them to Gerwalt before jumping down.

"Where're you going?" Lisa asked with something of a whine in her voice. "We're not gonna unload all this shit by ourselves!"

"I need to see something. I'll be back before curfew. I'll unload everything, you lazy bastards. If Shadis asks where I am, tell him I forgot the invoice and had to go back for it!" Before Mike could change his mind, Erwin took off running, not in any particular direction, just trying to put distance between him and his friends, lest they get it in their heads to do something stupid, like follow him.

Once there were a few rows of houses between him and the wagon, he leaned against the nearest wall, sighing. Reaching under his somewhat frozen cloak, he pulled an envelope from his pocket, the letter it had contained tucked safely between the pages of one of his "heretical" books back at base. There weren't many people on the streets in this dreary weather, so he approached the first person he saw.

"Excuse me, sir? Do you know where this address is?"

~o0o~

Snow had begun falling again, and while it was little more than a flurry, by the time Erwin found the specific bloc of terraced houses he was looking for, his fingers and toes had gone from painfully cold to worryingly numb. The staircase leading up to the third floor creaked and groaned so much under his weight, he was entirely convinced he would fall through it with every step. By some miracle, it held, as did the walkway leading past the rows of doors. He stopped before Number 35, the last door on the landing, still clutching the envelope between his frozen thumb and forefinger. He'd had to stop and ask directions five times, because the narrow alleys and winding dirt streets of Shiganshina were a maze his feeble mind couldn't figure out. Finally, after nearly half an hour of wandering, lost, he was here.

The door before him was black with age and slightly warped from years of humidity. It was just a door, and an obviously cheap one at that, but with the way his heart thundered in his chest, Erwin felt as though he were standing before the gate of outer Shiganshina for the first time. Now, only once he had already committed himself to his plan, did doubts start to rear their ugly heads. What if she wasn't home? What if she was home, but didn't want to be disturbed? What if there was someone with her? What if it was a man, a jealous man who didn't want some strange, half-frozen soldier showing up on his girlfriends' doorstep? No, that was silly- if she was dating someone, surely she would have told him as much in her letters. Just like he… told her... about Marie…

He pinched the bridge of his nose, not certain if the pressure building behind his eyes was due to the cold, or stress. This was stupid. He wasn't doing anything wrong. If she wasn't home, then he could come back another day. If there was someone else there, that wasn't a problem. God, why were Titans easier than human interaction? He could practically feel his father's presence in the back of his mind, This is why you should have made friends when you were young, Erwin… Girding his loins, the young soldier raised his hand, rapping his knuckles against the wood in three short taps. The silence only lasted a second, but he managed to envision four separate scenarios in that time, including one where he just dove off the balcony to avoid all this…

"Who is it?" A muffled, but familiar voice. He let out the breath he'd unwittingly been holding.

"It's Erwin." Something scraped against the floor, and he could hear footsteps… kind of. It was a strange, uneven gait, punctuated by the dull 'clunk' of wood on wood. A lock was unlatched- a few locks, actually- and the door opened halfway, more than enough for the warm, richly scented air from the narrow hall to wash over him. "...hi." He said lamely. Dark eyes blinked up at him as full lips were tugged down in a bemused frown.

"What're you doing here?" He opened his mouth to answer, but in that very moment, his mind went blank. God knows how long he would have stood there with his jaw gaping like a gormless idiot had a sudden icy gust not shocked him back to his senses.

"I… don't know. I guess I just wanted to see you again." Thomasin's frown deepened.

"You came all the way from Trost to see me?"

"No. I was already here with my squad. We were getting supplies." Her eyes widened, and suddenly, her frown melted into a grin.

"So Shadis actually listened to you? Of course he did- 'I'll think about it' is just long 'yes'. Well damn, look who's movin' on up in the ranks. Good for you, Smith." She pursed her lips in thought for a few seconds, glancing down. "Your fingernails are blue. You wanna come in and warm up for a while?"

"If it's not a bother."

"Eh. It's not warm in here, but it's not actively snowing." She opened the door wider and stepped back, allowing him inside. Erwin thanked her, graciously squeezing into the narrow hall and out of the biting wind.

She could say it wasn't warm, but once the door closed, it was warm enough for the pain in his fingers to return. There was nowhere to go but into the small room ahead, roughly the size of the rooms in the Ehrmich barracks. Most of the space was filled with a small bed and table with a single chair, also similar to the barracks. Here, however, there was also a counter and sink and small stove topped with a lidded pot, from which the tantalizing aroma he'd smelled earlier was wafting.

"Sit wherever." Thomasin's voice preceded the strange, clunking footsteps he'd heard before. Taking off his cloak, he draped it over the back of the chair, hoping it might dry a bit as he sat at the table. He was so used to seeing the young woman in her military uniform that the sight of her in a long dress and apron felt wrong. He realized finally what was making that sound. From under the hem of her dress, he could see the bottom of a wooden peg, carved similarly to the crutch she was leaning on. She must have noticed him staring, because she stopped.

"Dr. Jaeger introduced me to a craftsman who makes his medical devices for him. It's not pretty, but it works. I know they make nicer ones for nobles who lose their feet from gout, but I can't afford that." Erwin started, hurriedly looking away.

"I'm sorry."

"For what? You didn't do anything wrong."

"It's rude to stare…" He mumbled, earning a scoffing laugh.

"Since when has that ever stopped you? First my hair, now my leg; my eyes are in this vicinity, Smith." His cheeks burned, but she was right to call him out. He forced himself to meet her eyes. The apathetic expression he was so used to seeing was gone in an instant, her whole face softening as she chuckled quietly. "You look frozen, Erwin. Lemme get you something warm to drink. How long were you outside?" She asked as she turned to the stove, filling up a brass kettle.

"Ugh, too long. My squad is pissed at me because they had to come out too, so I had to load everything into the wagon myself. On top of the trip here. And half of the trip back. And trying to find your address." Just like that, the embarrassment left him and he slumped down in the chair, flexing his fingers and toes to try and get some feeling back into them.

She hummed thoughtfully, running her finger over a row of jars lined up under the window before deciding on one. There were bundles of dried herbs and flowers hanging, not just around the window pane, but on every wall. The comforters piled on the bed were half falling on the floor. Letting his eyes slip closed for a moment, he smiled. It felt… comfortable here. But maybe that was just because it was warm and there was another person there with him, so unlike what he had grown used to in the Ehrmich barracks.

"You're with that big guy now, right? Myke?"

"Mi-ke." He kept his eyes closed. "He's better than my old captain. I feel bad saying that, but it's true."

"You used to have such a crush on him." His eyes flew open that time.

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did," She leaned across the table, setting a cup filled with steaming liquid down in front of him. "When the older cadets were training, you were always staring at him with those big, awe-struck eyebrows… I mean, it was hard not to notice the guy- he was huge- but I don't think that was why you were looking." Erwin felt yet another flush climb up his throat, more so because someone had actually noticed his staring rather than the staring itself. He frowned, confused suddenly.

"How do you know that? We didn't start talking until our second year in the Corps, after Mike graduated."

"I have eyes," She answered simply.

"Why use them for that?" She shrugged, carrying her own cup over to the bed and sitting across from him.

"Why not? Drink your tea while it's warm- everything gets cold really fast in here." For the first time, he actually took notice of the cup in front of him.

"This is tea?" The water was a pale amber, and there seemed to be… flower petals floating in it?

"Not… exactly. Real tea costs an arm and a leg, and I only have one of those to spare." He snickered, clapping a hand over his mouth in horror after it was too late.

"I'm so sorry." Thomasin's gaze was as intense as it had ever been, but that hint of a smile curling her lips up made it seem… gentle, somehow.

"It's okay, Erwin. I was making a joke. You can laugh. Like I was saying, this is 'peasant tea'. Same thing; plant-flavored water is plant-flavored water." His mind still not entirely put at ease, he lifted his cup to his lips before he once again reacted without thinking and died of shame. Just the warmth seeping into his hands was welcome. This "plant-flavored water" didn't taste anything like the tea he'd had maybe twice in his life, but it wasn't unpleasant. It smelled nice, a sweet, gentle aroma that relaxed him. For a long while, they sat in silence, the only sounds that of the howling wind outside muted by the window and whatever was in the pot on the stove simmering quietly. Thomasin spoke first, her voice barely above a whisper.

"How's life in the Corps? Your letters sound… frustrated." Erwin tilted his head back, staring up at the plaster ceiling. There were cracks and signs of water damage, but no dust or spiderwebs, making it cleaner than some of the dorms.

"It is frustrating. I know that missions always boil down to chance, but… it's like we're not even trying to do better. And when you do try, the people at the top think you're crazy, even when you're getting results-" He cut himself off suddenly, setting his cup back down and throwing an arm over his eyes. "God dammit. I'm doing it again."

"Doing what again?"

"This. Ranting and raving and- this is all I've ever done. As soon as you send me a letter, what do I do; write you a novella whining about things that shouldn't bother you anymore. I've gone from ranting about my theories to bitching about my life. Dammit… this is why I came over," He whispered to himself, heart sinking. "To whine and moan and cry on your shoulder. I- I'm Shadis. This is exactly what he does to me, and I hate it." Letting his arm fall back to his side, he glanced at the woman from the corner of his eye. "Why would you be friends with me...?" Kicking off her shoe, she drew her leg onto the bed, resting the cup on her knee as she stared into his eyes, exactly the way she used to. Just as he had done earlier, her lips parted, but no words left them for a long time.

"...I told you. I don't mind listening to you talk. And I don't mind reading your letters. If you want to whine and moan and cry, then do it." Inhaling deeply, Erwin shook his head.

"No." Grabbing the chair, he turned it ninety degrees to face his host fully. "How's your life, Thomasin?" The way her eyes widened, one would have thought his head had exploded into spiders.

"Wh-what?"

"I've spent the past four months telling you everything that's going on in the Survey Corps. You know how life in the Corps is. What's going on in your life?" For the first time since they'd met, she averted her gaze first, looking instead at a spot on the comforter.

"I- I don't know…" She mumbled finally. 'Ohhhh,' He mused bitterly. 'That's right; this is like pulling teeth…' That was why he gave up on it when he was younger and just spoke at her like she was an inanimate object. But he wasn't that selfish, spoiled child anymore. 'I'm going have an actual conversation with you if it kills me, Lindemann…'

"How do you like living in Shiganshina?" That was an easy question- he'd be happy with a single word answer. To his surprise, she was slightly more verbose than he had been expecting.

"It's... okay. I grew up in Quinta, so it's basically the same."

"Huh. I didn't know you were from Quinta. We were practically neighbors."

"Not really."

"Krolva's not that far from Quinta."

"I guess…"

Talking to Thomasin now wasn't nearly as painful as he remembered it being, but that was probably because he wasn't a self-absorbed little bastard anymore. It was still tedious, but maybe all the time he'd spent with Mike helped him grow accustomed to quiet people. Still, she was even more laconic than the captain, never pushing the conversation forward herself and only answering exactly what Erwin asked, nothing more. Still, somehow he'd learned more about her in that short time than he had in the two-odd years they'd known one another in the Training Corps. At least, he thought it had only been a short time, until he glanced at the window and realized the sleet gray had become an inky black. He swore loudly.

"Do you know what time it is?!"

"Uh…" She dug around in a crate beside her bed, pulling out a battered watch. "Half past eight." It wasn't curfew yet, and the ferries ran until ten. Still…

"Well, there goes dinner. And on the first day of fresh supplies, too."

"You know, if you had stopped being so nosy, you could have left an hour ago." To his surprise, Erwin smiled.

"No, I think this was worth missing a meal for… Besides, I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to going back out in that snow." Sliding her shoe back on, Thomasin pushed herself back to her feet, gathering his long empty cup and taking it and hers back over to the counter by the window.

"You know, I have been cooking dinner all this time. I was just planning on eating and getting ready for work tomorrow before you came over, but if you're hungry, I can fix you something?"

"I couldn't," He said quickly, pointedly ignoring the saliva flooding his mouth as she lifted the lid of the pot, releasing a cloud of steam that smelled of sauteed onions and peas and home. She shot a dour look over her shoulder.

"You drink my tea, suck up my warmth and waste my time, but you draw the line at dinner?"

"How am I 'sucking up your warmth'- I'm radiating heat!" Thomasin turned away from him, shoulders shaking with silent laughter.

"You're so dumb… Shut up and eat my food."

"Well, if you insist." He watched as she ladled pottage into two bowls, but the thought of her trying to carry the hot ceramics back to the table while balancing on a crutch had him on his feet before he even realized what he was doing. He crossed the length of the room in four long strides, taking the bowls from her.

"I've got it."

"I know, but-" He wracked his mind for an excuse. "...you brought me tea; it's the least I can do." She let him set the bowls down and take a seat, tossing a spoon and thick slice of dark bread at him all in silence. Grabbing a stool he thought was a bedside table, she sat perpendicular to him.

"You don't have to walk on eggshells around me, Erwin. I'd rather you not. I don't need you to treat me like I'm some kind of…" She frowned, trailing off.

"...cripple?" He supplied in a whisper, earning an aghast gasp.

"I was going to say 'delicate flower', but okay! Let's not mince words. Yeah. Cripple. I've been living with one leg for almost a year; I don't need you to feel sorry for me and carry my soup."

"I know that, Thomasin. I just… didn't want you to hurt yourself."

"Would you worry about me hurting myself if I had both legs?"

"Probably not."

"Then you don't need to worry about me now."

"I know," He repeated quietly. "But I still do." The young woman sighed, stirring the contents of her bowl slowly.

"You are so stubborn, Smith. But I guess that's what makes you different…" He quirked a thick eyebrow.

"Suddenly I'm different? I thought I was 'ten a penny'?" She gave him an exasperated huff.

"You still remember that?"

"Of course I do; it was very hurtful." She burst out laughing, even slapping her knee. Suddenly, Erwin remembered something Rolfe Green had said a few months ago, cute girls getting preferential treatment standing out in his mind. He had been so angry about all the other bullshit the man was spewing that those comments went over his head at the time, but as he watched Thomasin brushing away the tears that had begun to form in the corners of her eyes, he realized something.

'Huh. She is kind of pretty…'

Not that.

"Thomasin?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you happy not being in the military?" All her earlier amusement left her.

"Why do you ask?"

"Because…" He tried to pick his words carefully. "I've never really seen you smile before. As long as I've known you, you've always looked… well, bored, I suppose. Even on top of Wall Maria, I thought you'd be happy since you said that was your dream, but you were miserable the whole time. But today, you've been smiling and laughing, so I have to ask; are you happy now?" The dark woman lowered her gaze once again, but she didn't seem flustered this time. He knew a look of deep thought when he saw one.

"I have lots of things to be happy about. I'm alive, when most people in my situation would be dead. I have a roof over my head, and food to eat, and an income… Life could be worse."

"That's not what I asked," Erwin reminded her. "Are you happy now?" Slowly, she raised her gaze to his, dark brown meeting baby blue. Once again, he couldn't shake the feeling that she was staring through him, but this time, whatever she saw on the other side of his skull seemed to please her.

"Right here, right now, in this very moment? Yeah. I'm happy."

000000000

A/N- Just… all over the place with these word counts, but I like ending on that note. I just love the idea of Erwin being so awkward when he's young and growing into the suave, confident commander we all know and love. The ember of romance has finally been sparked, and I can start working towards the actual relationship stuff (I say even as I'm thinking about how the fuck I can stretch all that AoT proper plot that happens in less than a month into a more reasonable amount of time for a story like this. I'm getting ahead of myself.) So, yeah… actual romance is gonna be blooming… yay… *weeps in shitty romance writer*