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Ch. 6- "Without"
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The mood around the Survey Corps headquarters was one of grim anticipation. This years' crop of Trainees would be joining their chosen branch today. Only ten at most would make it into the Military Police, but the vast majority would add their numbers to the already swollen roster of the Garrison. It was an easy job with no real work involved, and unlike the Survey Corps, there was a chance to be promoted to a district branch of the MP Brigade. Commander Shadis would be returning soon, but the question on everyone's mind was would anyone be returning with him?
"Has there ever been a year without any new recruits?" Erwin asked his squad mates as they scrubbed their way through the mountain of sheets piled high in the back courtyard. Laundry wasn't as smelly as stable duty (usually), but with the summer sun beaming down on their necks and exposed arms, it was no more pleasant. Horace, a veritable brick wall of a man who had been a Scout for four years, paused, wiping his wet brow with an equally wet arm.
"Not that I know of. There's always at least one suicidal idiot."
"God Almighty, can you imagine only one? " Cecile was tying her braids into knots to keep them off her neck, a method she'd tried no less than five times since they'd begun a good four hours ago. "We might as well shut down at that point- expeditions won't be sustainable much longer."
"They're getting better," Frey noted quietly, wringing out the sheet he was working on. "Casualties aren't even as bad as they were six months ago. And that's just with Captain Erwin leading the rearguard; imagine if the vanguard did the same." Three pairs of eyes focused on the captain, causing Erwin to quickly drop his attention back to the washboard before him.
"Let's not get ahead of ourselves. The commander is still busy with the base; he doesn't have time to memorize new formations." The lone woman of their group scoffed loudly.
"If he can't multitask, maybe he should hand the reins over to someone who can. I volunteer!" Frey rolled his eyes.
"You can't wash clothes and talk at the same time; stop running your mouth and get back to work."
"I am! I just have to put my hair up first!"
"You need to cut it," Horace told her flatly. "It's getting too long. One day, it'll get caught in your ODM gear."
"That's not your call to make- it's Captain Erwin's," she groused, dropping back to her knees and scrubbing the sheet before her with a fury, as though it had said something about her hair. Erwin glanced over at her. With it knotted, it was hard to see just how long the strawberry blonde locks were, but he knew that her braids fell well past her shoulders.
"I'm not going to order you to cut your hair, Davies, but you need to do something with it. We don't want you getting scalped."
"Translation: cut it." Cecile made a noise akin to an angry cat, but continued scrubbing. He didn't vocalize it, but Erwin was grateful his chosen squad mates quickly formed a rapport. They, like everyone else currently in the Corps, were his seniors, so they'd had a few years to grow accustomed to one another even without being on the same squad before.
But it seemed camaraderie formed easily within the ranks of the Survey Corps- bearing witness to true horror and the fragility of mortality on a regular basis made everything else seem inconsequential. It was hard to stay angry at someone when you knew any cruel words could easily be the last words you ever spoke to that person. The heavy thuds of boots on stone drew all their attention towards the breathless Scout peering his head through the arches of the walkway.
"Hey! The commander's back! And he's got fresh meat with him!" Horace groaned slightly, standing and shaking the water from his hands.
"I wish he'd brought real meat with him…"
"Is it more than one?" Frey called after the retreating figure.
"Yeah! He snagged a decent crop!"
Squad Thirteen exchanged looks, mostly hopeful ones, before making their way to the front courtyard, rolling down their sleeves in an effort to look presentable. The news of their new comrades had traveled quickly, and soon, the halls were filled with Scouts whispering excitedly to one another. They naturally fell silent as they filed into the courtyard, their stiff posture belying the anticipation they felt as they surreptitiously craned their necks, trying to get a better look at the cadets marching behind Shadis.
Erwin quickly scanned the heads as they lined up in rows. Twenty four by his estimate, although maybe he was off by one or two. Not as many as from the 89th, but maybe word had reached them that all but two of those upperclassmen had died inside the jaws of a Titan. He was honestly surprised even this many had managed to suppress their sense of self-preservation; he was expecting ten to be a generous estimate. Shadis stepped to the side, turning sharply on his heel to face the trainees.
"Cadets! You look upon humanity's finest! Each and every soldier before you has seen the horrors beyond the walls and come back to tell the tale. These are the people pushing humanity to greater heights; you should be honored to count yourselves amongst their numbers!"
"Sir! Yes sir!" The new recruits beat their fists against their chests in salute, and Erwin felt his stomach bottom out. Did he really look that young only a year ago? Had he stood there, looking upon the people he thought he was going to blaze a new trail with, with so much hope in his eyes? 'You poor fools… You're all going to die…'
"Fall in, cadets- you'll be assigned to your squads tomorrow. Ness! Forster!"
"Sir!" The two captains rushed forward, saluting as well.
"You'll be assigning sleeping arrangements."
"Sir!" The officers rounded the trainees up, herding them into the base. With the commander having gone ahead, they began whispering amongst themselves, looking around excitedly, more than one with a wide smile on their face. Many of the officers smiled back, clearly not wanting to scare away their new canon fodder. Erwin felt someone nudge him in the ribs with a sharp elbow and looked up to see Mike had somehow squeezed in beside him.
"Excited for the new Scouts?" He asked in a low voice. The younger man let his shoulders slump, sore from the tension they still carried.
"I'll be excited when they actually become Scouts…"
"That's smart. Don't get attached until after the culling…" It felt so cruel, thinking of people like livestock, but the grim reality was that was exactly what they were, what they had chosen to become.
~o0o~
Breakfast that morning was more lively than usual, considering it wasn't a mail day. Most of the chatter was coming from the tables where the cadets were all gathered together. One would think their excitement would be infectious, but for the most part, the rest of the Survey Corps regarded them with expressions varying from pity to mild annoyance.
After everyone had returned their dishes, the older Scouts returned to their seats as the cadets remained standing at attention, waiting for their new captain to call their names. Shadis had given the COs their new subordinates' files earlier that morning. Erwin had been staring at his for hours, trying to remember if he had heard the name of the person whose life he would now be responsible for back during training. Stepping forward, he prayed his pounding heart didn't show on his face.
"Zoë Hans!" A strange, strangled squeal responded as a lithe young… man? Woman? stepped forward hesitantly, like a dog expecting to get beaten. They saluted, mouth pressed into a thin-lipped… well, "smile" was putting it nicely.
"Reporting, sir...!" The blonde man quirked a thick eyebrow.
"Is something wrong, cadet?" They shook their head, looking as though they were about to be sick. He frowned. "Be honest." They whimpered slightly.
"…that's a clerical error, sir. It's 'Hange'…"
"Zoë Hanji?"
"Hange Zoë…" Pulling a pen from his breast pocket, he scratched out the name listed.
"Spell that for me." Their glasses made their eyes look even wider in surprise.
"Uh… H-a-n-g-e…?"
"Duly noted," he muttered, writing the correct name above what he'd scratched out and folding the paper before returning it and the pen to his pocket. "And, Cadet Hange? In the future, do not hesitate to correct me." The cadet let out a nervous giggle, their false smile widening into an earnest grin.
"The rumors are true; you really are a saint, Captain Smith." Erwin scowled.
"If I ever hear the word 'saint' out of your mouth again, I'm putting you on stable duty. It's time to meet the rest of your squad." It was hard to believe the new recruit had ever been nervous, given the bounce in their step and the way they enthusiastically shook the hands of each of their squad mates.
"I can't believe it! All of you have killed so many Titans! You have to teach me your secrets; you just have to!" Frey gave a weary, not-quite chuckle.
"Calm down, Zoë. If you want to kill Titans, you're in the wrong squad." Pulling out another piece of paper, the captain unfolded it and slapped it down on the nearest table.
"This is the rearguard formation. Your position is here." He tapped an 'X' "Ten meters in front of me. If everything goes well, you personally won't be seeing any combat for a while."
"Whaaaaat!?" It was almost funny, how animated they were. "But I wanna kill Titans…!" Cecile threw her arm around the new recruit's shoulders.
"Let's focus on you surviving seeing a Titan first."
"Your first expedition will be in three weeks' time. Every second you aren't sleeping and eating between now and then will be spent practicing evasive maneuvers, reloading flares on horseback, and memorizing your position."
"But-!" He fixed them with a stern look.
"Do you have a problem with my orders, cadet?" Fixing that tight-lipped smile back in place, the brunette shook their head.
"No, sir." Folding the formation back along its' creases, he placed it back in his pocket.
"Very well. You're dismissed for now. I expect you geared up and at the stables in an hour." With a final salute, Hange turned on their heel and made their way from the mess hall with the rest of the dismissed recruits, far less pep in their step than before. When they could no longer see the messy ponytail of their new comrade, the rest of Squad Thirteen let out the snickers they had been holding back.
"Damn, Captain; are you sure you're only a year older than them?" Horace chuckled through his nose.
"You sound just like Commander Keith used to-"
"Never tell me that again!"
"It's the truth, though." Cecile crossed her arms over her chest, lips quirked up in an amused grin. "You've been so grim and worried, I thought you were going to treat the fresh meat a bit gentler, but nope! You turned into a hard ass real quick!" Erwin's jaw tightened as he watched the final few cadets disperse into the hallway. How many of them wouldn't be here next month…?
"...the whole reason I began developing these formations in the first place is because that 'let's kill all the Titans!' attitude is why I'm the only person left from the 89th Corps. The only reason I survived the mission that got all of my friends but one killed is because my squad leader had the sense to tell me to run instead of fight. I will not suffer glory-seeking fools." The older Scouts remained silent as the conversations surrounding them eventually all died away. When Frey spoke up finally, his voice was far more somber than it had been only a moment earlier.
"…you know we're just hazing you, Erwin. We get it."
"One of the 89th cadets was on my squad when you lot first graduated," Cecile whispered. "Vincent. He had so much potential… The guilt of watching people younger than you die and thinking 'It should be me; they should be allowed to live longer'… It just feels worse every year…"
"We keep getting older, and they stay the same age…" Horace muttered, mostly to himself. Erwin inhaled deeply, his fists clenching at his sides.
"Not if I can help it."
~o0o~
As the weeks leading up to the next expedition passed, the new recruits began settling into their niches quite well. Erwin hated to admit it, but he did get a sick thrill out of watching the cadets suffer through the same things he'd had to suffer through, especially their first real exposure to the Survey Corps' prized horses. Of course, Hange Zoë had proven to be quite a character, so it was hard not to be amused by them. Despite their incessant grumbling and whinging, they proved to be remarkably intelligent, constantly questioning Erwin about his formations- not, as he originally thought, to undermine them, but out of a genuine curiosity and desire to know what worked and why.
"You know," he confessed as he gathered the old drafts of his formation- Hange wanted to see how his thought process had played out. "You're the only person in the Corps who's actually interested in the details of my plans, not just the results."
"What?! How is that possible? Every Scout should be lining up, begging to learn at your feet!" He frowned slightly.
"Flattery will get you nowhere, Cadet Zoë." Hange winced- they seemed to dislike being called by their surname- but any sign of discontent was immediately replaced by their usual giddy excitement.
"I'm not flattering you, I swear! I'm just… really, really surprised that you're as intelligent as you are." Before Erwin could could express his affront, the younger Scout continued talking, neatly folding the old draft they held. "I mean, I probably shouldn't be surprised- you were the top graduate of the 89th West Corps for a reason- but the top ten of the 90th East weren't exactly what I'd call… hmmm… critical thinking. "
He wasn't surprised, honestly. Making it into the top ten didn't involve "thinking" so much as memorization and good reflexes. Despite it being one of their few actual duties, the Military Police weren't exactly known for their brilliant detective work. Unless they saw a crime being committed right in front of their noses, they weren't likely to find a perpetrator (and from the rumors he'd heard, it was even worse in the Interior).
"Did anyone from the top ten join the Survey Corps this year?" His quiet question was answered with a derisive scoff.
"Nope! I'm the cream of the crop this year, and I ranked twelfth. I'm… not great at solo kills… or munitions…" Erwin chuckled, patting Hange on the back as he neatly stacked his papers.
"Trust me; you really don't need to be. The Survey Corps has plenty of individually strong soldiers, but that hasn't been helping us too much. No, what we need now are unique minds." Wide brown eyes practically sparked with excitement, although maybe that was just the light reflecting off their smudged lenses.
"Like me…?"
"Uh… sure. Let's go with that. You're already asking better questions than 'Why can't I be in the vanguard?' or 'Why do I have to be in the vanguard?', so that makes you fairly unique around here." Hange's lips curled into a smile, clearly pleased with the perceived compliment, but slowly, a thoughtful look came over their face.
"If I do well in this upcoming mission, Captain, will my position in the formation change?"
"Well, that depends," he muttered thoughtfully. "Why- do you want it to change?"
"Well, obviously! I don't want to be babied for my entire tenure. I want to actually help!"
"Hmm… Prove that you can stay in formation and survive, and I might make you a relay on a future expedition."
"That's so boring, though!" Erwin paused, turning to fix them with an icy stare.
"Hange, I sincerely suggest you pray to every deity you might possibly believe in that this upcoming mission be 'boring'. You do not want anything 'exciting' to happen outside of those walls." He doubted it was the words themselves, but rather, his tone that gave the younger soldier pause. Even to his own ears, he didn't sound like himself. What had that ginger from Squad Four said… god, all those months ago? It's the voice - no fresh recruit sounds like that…
He didn't sound a year older than Hange; he sounded like someone twice his age, someone worn down and weary with the world. He was. Not weary with the world itself, but weary of the inevitability of death and destruction, so jaded that other peoples' optimism and blind naivete made his head ache. Heh… no wonder Commander Shadis had no patience for his ideas; to the older man, he probably sounded similar to the way Hange sounded to him. But the difference was, he didn't want to punish his subordinate for saying things that made him uncomfortable- all he wanted was for them to truly grasp the gravity of the situation. But no words could ever prepare anyone for the inevitable…
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The day of their expedition hadn't started off badly. Everything had gone smoothly as they did a final check of their gear, made sure their wagons were properly hitched and the supplies they held were all secured. The sky was overcast, but the clouds blocking the sun were thin and light, no sign of a storm anywhere in sight. The nervousness Erwin felt was only because there were so many uninitiated Scouts with them, sixteen in total, five in the rearguard including Hange.
He didn't know what to expect from the other cadets- he was not in charge of their training, but he had advised the other captains whose squads would be riding with him to drill their subordinates on evasive maneuvers. Hange took to them like a pro, on horseback as well on the cables, with excellent reflexes that he prayed were accompanied by a steadfast constitution. He was certain the cadet in Mike's squad would be fine; sandwiched between the more experienced soldiers, her captain's nose would suss out danger before it got anywhere near her. All they needed was for luck to be on their side, and everything would be fine.
The walls of the base were already built; they just needed to be hoisted up and connected to the floor. Two more months maximum, and humanity would have its first true victory against the Titans. Once it was fully stocked, a portion of their forces might actually be able to live beyond Wall Maria, if only for a few days at a time. What had once sounded like something relegated to the pages of a fairy tale was now within grasping distance.
If you keep pushing humanity forward, I'll make you proper jam…
Erwin honestly couldn't have cared less about the jam (that was a lie), but the way Thomasin looked at him as she made her silly promise had floated to the forefront of his mind more than once in the last few weeks. That little grin had been teasing, but her eyes were so sincere, filled with expectation… with pride. As though of course he would push humanity forward because, even knowing the insurmountable nature of their challenges beyond the wall first hand, she believed in him. That belief was more intoxicating than her boozy first attempts at jam, and far sweeter to boot.
The moment he became aware of his melodramatic thoughts, he'd wanted to sink into the floor in shame even though he had been alone in his quarters, no one to see the flush rising from his neck all the way to the roots of his hair. But as he passed through the outer gate of Shiganshina, he allowed himself to be warmed by those melodramatic thoughts. Thomasin hadn't been at the gate to see him off- she was at work, her life didn't revolve around him- and she probably wouldn't be able to see him return, either. If he returned. But it made him feel better to know that she was thinking about him, however far in the back of her mind those thoughts might have been. Someone was waiting for him. Someone who believed in him.
With room to fall back, the squads of the rearguard began taking their initial positions, waiting for his command to spread out. Oddly enough, there didn't seem to be any Titans in the immediate vicinity. Usually, they would be within a few kilometers of the gate, scratching ineffectually at the wall and, as soon as an unfortunate breeze blew, would shortly give chase after their prey. But today, there was no distant thudding of giant feet, not yet anyway. As the vanguard pulled ahead, shortly followed by the supply convoy, Erwin ordered the remaining soldiers to fall into position. His jaw tightened as Hange rode past him, serving as his eyes for the convoy. He was worrying for nothing- this formation had worked fine for months, and the recruits were only serving as relays. They didn't have to worry until they actually got to the forest… He kept telling himself that even as one of the relays rode up beside him.
"Captain! Abnormal closing in fast from the west!" He swore under his breath. Normal Titans usually gave up chase after a mile or so, but Abnormals not only doggedly pursued their prey, but could often be faster than their more easily distracted counterparts.
"Have Squads Four and Six fall in!"
"Sir!" As Erwin raised his flare gun, his finger poised to pull the trigger, the bang of another flare going off gave him pause. His breath caught in his chest as he followed the plume of red smoke now dispersing above his head.
Spurring his horse faster, he caught up to Hange's position, unable to even ask what direction before he spotted them himself. Two Titans, both smaller than five meters, but charging far too fast from the northeast, right into the path of their convoy. He didn't know how large the one from the west was, but his comrades would probably have an easier time dealing with one pair of hands than two. Firing his flare northwest, he crammed the gun back into his saddlebag before the gunpowder smell cleared, unholstering his ODM handles and locking a pair of blades in place.
"Hange! Fall back ten meters!"
"Are you going to fight those things alone?!"
"If they threaten our supplies, then yes." The younger soldier pressed their lips into a thin line, determination writ on their face.
"I can help you, captain-"
"No! I don't want you engaging in combat unless your life depends on it! If a relay comes before I return, fire off a green flare in the opposite direction of the incoming Titan!" It wasn't alchemy- any fool could grasp the idea, so he pushed his horse into a full gallop, leaving his sputtering subordinate behind as he tried to close the distance between himself and the convoy faster than the Titans could. The closest wagon driver was Captain Hendricks, whose face lit up in relief at the sight of Erwin.
"Oh, thank god. Where's the rest of the rearguard?"
"Dealing with an Abnormal on our eight. Pull up to the leftmost vanguard; I'll buy you time."
"By yourself!?"
"Yes! Just go!"
There were precious few trees between Wall Maria and the forests, nothing close enough to be of much use to him, so he remained mounted for a long as possible. One of the Titans, a three meter with shaggy red hair, was faster than its companion, and upon spotting Erwin, immediately lost interest in the retreating wagons. If it would just chase him, he could lead it far away enough to allow the rest of the Corps time to pass, but trying to predict the behavior of a Titan was a fools' errand.
The right side of the rearguard, the members of Squad Thirteen specifically, were riding into view. They would be pulling up to the northeast anyway, so if he could lure this horrid thing in a wide enough arc, they would hopefully be able to make it to the forest and engage proper ODM techniques before it caught up. Unfortunately, like trying to corral cats, Titans never behaved the way one needed them to. Erwin had begun his arc, and the beast had indeed begun following him, but in either a stroke of genius or else, the Devil's luck, it stopped partway. The young captain didn't realize he wasn't being followed anymore until he turned, and spotted that matted red head lowered, charging at him in a full sprint, arms trailing behind it like streamers.
He barely pulled his feet from the stirrups in time to deploy his wires without snapping his ankles. The hooks sank deep into the Titan's skull and, climbing onto the saddle, he squeezed his accelerators harder than he'd ever done before in his life, gaining altitude just fast enough to avoid being rammed. He was thankful his fingers remembered which triggers did what, because his mind was blank as the Titan whipped its head around, hollow blue eyes locking onto him, filthy fingers shooting out to try and snatch him out of the air. Cutting through bone dulled their swords, but bloody stumps couldn't grab him as easily. Struggling to unlock his useless blades while swinging out of reach of the beast's other hand, he barely heard the thundering of hooves until they were right below him.
"Captain, detach!" Cecile's screaming was shrill enough to be heard even over the din and, without pausing to think, Erwin pulled the triggers to release his hooks from their fleshy anchors. His squad mate was already on the ground, cables wrapped around the Titan's legs as she sliced out the muscle and tendons behind its knees. Just as human would, it fell to the ground, no longer able to support itself. The flesh would grow back in a matter of seconds, but seconds were all they needed. Fresh blades locked in place, he launched himself towards the monster's back, never letting its arms out of his sight until he'd parred out a thick chunk of meat and the Titan went limp. Steam searing his mouth and throat as he tried to catch his breath, he jumped off the rapidly decomposing body, his horse trotting up to him.
"Good thing we caught up to you, Captain..." Cecile set her blades back into their holsters, scanning the terrain. An exhausted smile tugged at her lips. "Looks like Frey and Horace took down the other one. Are there anymore around?"
"Not that I could see, unless that westward one decides to come over…" Pressing his heels against his horse's sides, Erwin set off at a canter northwest with Cecile close behind him, assuming they'd reach the rest of their convoy eventually. As the other half of Squad Thirteen caught up to them, he gave them a quick once-over, frowning as he noticed Horace holding his right wrist close to his chest. "What happened?"
"Sprained my god damn wrist, can you believe it? Of all the stupid injuries to get…"
"It was my fault, Captain," Frey admitted immediately. "I overshot my mark, and Horace had to take the enemy out at an unfortunate angle."
"It was an Abnormal."
"Even so, I should have been paying closer attention. The fault is mine."
"No one is at fault when it comes to these damned Abnormals," Erwin reminded the older man. He spared a second to look up, frowning as he realized the sun was still obscured by clouds. "These things go crazy when it's cloudy…"
"Huh. That's true," Cecile intoned. "I wonder why that is?" Horace scoffed, his expression tight with the pain he was trying to keep them from seeing.
"Who cares? I'd rather deal with a handful of Abnormals than a stampede of regular Titans."
There wasn't time to dwell on the idea even if they'd wanted to- the canopy of the forest rose higher and higher as they drew nearer. There were no plumes of smoke, so if there were Titans nearby, the rearguard hadn't spotted them yet. By the time they reached the wall of trees, the final wagons were heading inside the gloomy woods as the first line defenders took their places in the branches. No Titans had reached them yet, but Erwin still didn't allow himself to relax until he was a good twenty meters above the ground.
"Hange! Hange, where are you?"
"Captain!" If his wires weren't anchoring him in place, he might well have fallen as a pair of hooks hit the trunk less than a meter from him. Hange swung over, dropping their handles and clutching to his cloak. His immediate instinct, to scold them for nearly impaling him, fell away as he noticed how pale the younger cadet's face was. "You're okay! Everyone freaked out when I told them you were fighting the Titans alone!"
"I wasn't 'fighting' them, I was luring them away… at least, that was the plan." Uncurling the death grip their fingers were locked into, Erwin handed the brunette their handles back. "Did you stay in formation like I told you to?"
"Y-yes, sir…" He allowed himself a small smile, clapping the other soldier on the back.
"Good. They're scarier in person, aren't they?" Hange nodded mutely, adjusting the straps of their goggles. "That's why I'd rather the new recruits not be on the front lines. No one's going to be able to fight a Titan if they freeze up the first time they see one…"
"Well, at least there won't be any Titans in the woods," Cecile said, stretching her arms above her head. "That's what we're here for- human-shaped carrots on sticks..."
"Hopefully, but… have you seen any Titans nearby?" Frey's question sent a chill down Erwin's spine. He quickly ordered his squad to stay put, taking off in search of Mike. It didn't take long to find the older captain, and the fact that he wasn't looking out over the plain like the rest of their comrades only added to Erwin's growing sense of dread.
"Where are they, Mike?"
"Northeast, but they're moving southwest, and fast…" His chest rose and fell rapidly as he attempted to inhale as quickly and deeply as possible.
"How many-?"
"Too many." The taller man's eyes widened as his nostrils flared. "Shit! They're closer than I… Everybody! Get back on your horses and make for the base! Titans are incoming in the forest!" The recruits looked around, confused and unsure if they were supposed to listen to an order that didn't come from their captain, but the sight of the veteran Scouts dropping to their horses as fast as their wires would allow quickly spurred them into action.
It had been just under a year since Erwin had entered the forest, more than happy to remain at the perimeter and act as a lure, cowardly though it may have been. The Titan carcasses had long returned to ash and dust, the bodies of his fellow soldiers gathered and burned to ash within the walls. If there were any bone fragments left behind, he was riding too hard to notice them, although they would have been trampled into the ground by all the horses and wagons that had been passing through here over the months.
It was silly to be thinking about the carnage and terror that had befallen the Survey Corps that day, especially when the screams coming from just up ahead were far louder than they had ever been in his memory. The palisades had done their jobs- several Titans were caught on them, still grabbing at the closest humans with sharpened tree trunks stuck fast in their shins and bellies. But as Mike had warned, there were too many of them, charging and stumbling and crawling over their fallen brethren in a frantic scramble to reach the clearing where the majority of soldiers were guarding the wagons.
"Cecile, Horace, Frey! Switch to vertical maneuvering and make for the back of the base- that's where they're coming from! Horace, remain elevated and serve as lookout!"
"Sir!" Stepping onto their saddles, the three elder members of Erwin's squad deployed their hooks, taking off further into the maze of trees.
"Captain Smith!" Hange pulled up beside him, looking ready to vomit despite their voice remaining firm. "Where do you want me?" The honest answer was "away from combat". On lookout with Horace, perhaps. But he could not afford to give a soldier preferential treatment, not now of all times, when other Scouts were being torn apart only meters from them.
"With me, cadet. Get to the wagons- we have to protect our supplies!"
"Yes, si- Captain, look out!" He didn't know what he was looking out for, so when he finally noticed the shadows above him growing darker, he barely had enough time to pull his reins hard to the right, steering his horse just far enough out of the way to avoid being crushed.
The impact of the twelve-meter landing only a few feet from him still ended up throwing him from his saddle, however. Hitting the ground hard enough to dislodge most of his gear, breaking off one of his blades and sending the spares flying, knocked the wind from him. By some stroke of luck, his head didn't collide with the tree that ultimately stopped him, but the feeling of something snapping in his chest made it no easier to push himself back to his feet. He didn't know what he'd broken, but it would have to wait. Trying to reconnect the scabbard to his right thigh was imperative- he was a dead man if he stayed on the ground any longer- assuming the hoses and connectors weren't damaged.
Something crashed, something wooden- God, no, did they get to the wagons? He couldn't even allow himself to glance in that direction as the Titan that had nearly flattened him stalked over, clearly intent on finding an easy meal. Throwing himself out of the way of those too long, too thin fingers undid all the effort he'd put into reattaching his gear, but it bought him a few precious seconds to swing his remaining intact blade at the spindly wrist, severing it in three deep cuts. A third of the hardened steel snapped off as it struck bone, but the cutting edge was still sharp enough to sever a bit more flesh if need be.
Backing up against a tree, he kept his eyes trained on that grinning abomination, trying to figure out what was least likely to get him killed. He could get decently far on a single cable, if none of his ODM gear was damaged- even a bent fan blade or loosened valve would have him in that Titan's mouth before he reached a branch. He'd have to put some distance between him and the threat on horseback so he could-
"AHHHHH!" A pair of hooks sank deep into the Titan's back, pulling one of the Scouts closer to its nape. A glint of steel and a splash of blood, and the damnable thing collapsed flat. Quickly reattaching his gear, Erwin ground his teeth as he joined his savior, retreating onto the nearest branch. There was a problem with his valves- he could smell fuel leaking. Hange whimpered, shaking their bloody hands. "Hot! Hot! It's so fucking hot!"
"Hange, I told you to guard the wagons!"
"I couldn't leave you! Why didn't you retreat?!"
"My gear is malfunctioning. That's not your concern! My orders-"
"It doesn't matter! The base is ruined!"
His eyes widened as he finally managed to turn his attention to, what had until that point been, the first structure built outside the walls in over a century. The partially attached walls had been reduced to splinters, undoubtedly by the hand of the sixteen-meter currently tearing apart one of the Scouts, blood and gobbets of meat raining down to join the gore of the feeding frenzy below. A shot, loud as artillery fire, echoed through the woods and continued ringing in their ears long after.
"All Scouts, retreat! Leave the wagons!" Commander Shadis' voice could barely be heard over the agonized screams of those they would be leaving behind. Calling his horse over, Erwin dropped down harder than he'd expected- it wasn't just his valves that had been damaged, but one of his hooks as well. If they had been ordered to continue fighting, he'd be dead in a matter of seconds. Fortunately, it seemed even the Commander knew a lost cause when he saw one. Climbing into the saddle, he waited for Hange to pull up beside him, turning and heading back out the forest with the rest of their regiment.
"What about the rest of the squad, sir?"
"They know what a retreat sounds like." He could not entertain the idea of his squad mates being dead or incapacitated, especially not when he couldn't go back and check on them. No one spoke as they made their way back onto the open plain.
Erwin had to shield his eyes as they left the shade of the trees, wincing both from the sun that had finally peered through the clouds, as well as the sharp pain in his ribs. The warmth that beamed down on them felt as though God were spitting in his face, mocking their tragedy, their loss with such a beautiful, clear sky. It was hard to tell how long they'd been riding for before any familiar voices or faces reached them.
"Hey! Captain Smith!"
"Zoë!" Glancing back over his shoulder, Erwin counted one, two, three heads before allowing himself to sigh in relief.
"I was wondering when you lot would catch up."
"Yeah, well, it would've been a lot easier if you weren't riding so fast! Horace is hurt, remember?"
"Don't blame my injuries for your shit riding, Davies." Pulling up alongside him, Frey fixed the blonde man with a grim a look.
"Did you see the base, Captain"?"
"What was left of it, you mean? Yes… That was, what? Four years of planning in the gutter?"
"Five. They've been trying to build that base since Shadis was a captain."
"But… we can build another one, right?" Hange asked, a glimmer of hope in their voice that was quickly extinguished by the grim silence of their squad mates. "Right…?"
"Let's focus on getting back inside the walls for now." Cecile forced a smile, one that was quickly offset by Horace's scowl as he focused on something in the distance.
"That's gonna take a bit longer than we want. Titans, eleven o'clock!" Three Titans were jogging over to them, their long legs making short work of the distance. Several Scouts broke off from the unit, intending to intercept them.
"Sir," Frey asked quietly. "Should we assist them?"
"Negative. My gear is broken, Horace is injured, and Hange has no experience with vertical maneuvering on level ground. We left enough corpses in that forest… Do not stop until we reach the wall."
"But...!" Rather than pay attention to where they were going, Hange's focus was entirely fixed on the Titans. A short scream came from that direction, and their jaw fell open, in terror or disgust, Erwin didn't care to discern. "That- That was Jason Rathborne from my class… We have to help them!"
"No, we don't."
"They're getting killed!"
"And you want to die right alongside them!?" He roared, unable to keep his temper in check. "There are easier ways to die than in a Titan's mouth. You have my orders, Cadet Zoë- make for the wall!" It was easier to ignore the screams as limbs were ripped off and spines severed than it was to ignore the quiet weeping behind him. It would stop eventually. Everything stopped eventually…
~o0o~
They left Wall Maria with almost a hundred soldiers, and returned with less than fifty. A fifth of their losses were the new recruits that had joined their numbers. There had been no collection of the dead this time; any bodies not devoured by Titans were left in the field to be scavenged by whatever wildlife lived beyond the walls. The only way they knew who died was by checking the roster of deployed soldiers against a headcount. A less selfish man may have felt guilty reporting no casualties in his squad when his fellow Captains were reporting near, if not total, losses… At least, the squads whose captains hadn't also been killed in action.
Erwin fully expected Commander Shadis to call him into his office to help fill out death certificates; it had happened a few times, and the younger man wasn't sure if it was meant to be some kind of psychological punishment or just because his handwriting was neater than the commander's. To his surprise, no such order came. Since they'd returned to the headquarters in Trost, Keith Shadis had been silent, barely acknowledging anyone as he handed his reins to a stable hand and headed into the base. Hours later, and he hadn't even requested the headcount. Erwin would probably never pity the man as much as he did at that moment.
The entire Survey Corps seemed to be in mourning, not so much for the loss of life- the weeping over fallen comrades was mostly relegated to the new recruits whose friends had died- but the loss of what they had worked so hard for. In an instant, their hope had been completely snuffed out. The mess hall was all but empty- no one could force themselves to choke down any food.
A good number of the Scouts that had survived the expedition had stumbled into bars, intent on drinking until they forgot and had to stumble back to base well past curfew. Several crept towards the brothel, looking for a different form of comfort. Erwin invited his squad to his office, trying to measure out tea with hands that shook more than he was comfortable admitting. Anger, sorrow, terror… How many more failed missions would it take before he learned to keep those wretched emotions in check, at least outwardly?
"Is this real tea?" Cecile asked, sniffing her cup suspiciously.
"Yes, but it's not high quality," he explained, handing cups to the other men. "I drink it to stay awake, not for the taste." He honestly preferred the taste of "peasant-tea" to black tea, but those yellow flowers Thomasin made her tea with had a tendency to make him more tired. Not useful when he needed to fill out supply requests and mission reports. As he offered a cup to Hange, they turned away from him, sinking further into the thin cushions of the couch, as though they hoped to be swallowed by it. Setting the cup down on the low table before them, he trudged back to his desk, half sitting, half leaning on the corner.
"You did exceptionally well for your first mission, Hange. I probably owe you my life." They said nothing.
"Killing a Titan on your first expedition," Horace intoned. "That's no small feat." Silence.
Erwin sighed, wincing and placing a hand over the sharp ache in the right side of his ribs. Captain Glover, one of their medics, concluded that he'd fractured about three of them, but the only treatment was to take it easy and tough it out for the next month or two.
"So what are we going to do now?" He asked the older members of his squad. "Do we… try to rebuild the base? Do we find a new location? Do we give up on it entirely?" Frey pressed his lips into a thin line, his brows drawn together.
"I don't think that's up to the Survey Corps anymore. Commander Keith is going to have to report this to General Zachary, maybe even the Assembly. I wouldn't be surprised if they completely cut our funding after this…"
"What do you think would happen if they did?" Horace couldn't keep the apprehension from his voice. Cecile's shoulders slumped as she took a long draught of her tea.
"Who's to say? I don't think any branch has ever had their funding completely cut. Then again, what can the Garrison fail at? If we're lucky, I guess they'd transfer us to other branches, but… The idea of a whole-ass branch of the military being disbanded kind of scares the hell out of me…"
"This is what you're worried about…?" All the eyes in the room turned to Hange; they had momentarily forgotten about their youngest comrade. Their glasses had been pushed up so they could wipe their eyes on their sleeve, but it didn't do much good as fresh tears immediately replaced those that had been dried. "How can you all sit there, acting so… normal? So many people were killed… eaten alive… we couldn't even bring their bodies back…" Hange sniffled, trying and failing to choke back their sobs. "All that happened just a few hours ago… and you're not even thinking about it!"
"Of course we're thinking about it," Erwin whispered, his voice dark. "What do you think we're talking about right now? The legacy all those brave Scouts, and the hundreds before them, died for could be at risk because we are the only ones who think about it…! Their bodies are gone, whether they burn inside the walls or rot outside them; it's their hearts, their hopes, their dreams for humanity that live on inside of us, and we cannot let those dreams be snuffed out by weak men who understand nothing!"
The older members of his squad were looking at Erwin with expressions ranging from mild amusement to eye-rolling exasperation, but he wasn't talking to them. The only audience that mattered to him in that moment was Hange. The younger soldier stared up at him, eyes wide and still shining with unshed tears. One day, they would grow jaded too, they would stop feeling all but the closest deaths… but for now, there was still an ember of hope flickering behind the pain and misery. He needed to keep that hope alive for as long as possible… and keep them alive in the process…
000000000
"Did you actually say those words, out loud, to another human being, or was that just a self-indulgent dream you had?"
"Why would you doubt my skills as an orator? I'm good at talking…" Thomasin's shoulders shook with a laugh, but the only sound from her direction was the grinding of whatever was in the mortar she was working over.
Dragging himself up three flights of stairs left his ribs screaming as though they'd broken anew, and halfway through his explanation of what had happened, she'd gotten to her feet, declaring that she had something for that. It was easy to forget the "ingredients" she… collected… were intended to be used in medicine. Erwin wished it was something that didn't have to be drunk, but alas, the kettle was on the stove, whistling merrily and adding to the sweltering late June heat.
Even with the window thrown open, the small room was unbearably stuffy, the smell of dried herbs and flowers almost overpowering. Thomasin's curls were piled and tied high atop her head, the same way she used to wear them when she was a soldier, but he could still see sweat running down her neck before sliding under her collar as she poured the powder she'd been making into a cup and pouring boiling water over it. Finally she closed the damper on the stove, and he prayed it would go out soon as the young woman limped back over to the table, setting the cup before him.
"Let that steep for a few minutes, then you can drink it." Eyeing the brownish-orange liquid distastefully, he hazarded a sniff, recoiling at once.
"That smells awful!"
" Really? I had no idea medicine smelled bad! Look at the big brain on you, Smith; maybe next time, you can tell me that fire is hot." He grinned, ignoring that guilty feeling that told him he was wrong coming here to forget his problems, forget the dozens of death certificates and condolence letters they still needed to send out, forget the fact that Commander Shadis was meeting with the Assembly today and that they might not have jobs when he returned to base… It almost felt like he was a cadet again, back when his worries were so insignificant…
"Honestly, I doubt the King is going to allow the disbandment of the Scouts, though." His grin slipped away like water from oil, and he fixed Thomasin with an annoyed glower she either ignored or didn't even notice. "Admitting all that tax money has been wasted is going to make people angrier than just lying and pretending you're accomplishing something."
"We are accomplishing something; the only problem is, it's the wrong thing. Instead of building a tower of cards and waiting for the Titans to come knock it down, we need to figure out where the Titans are coming from and stop them at the source!"
"What if they're coming from everywhere? Isn't the world huge? Isn't that what you always believed?" Erwin winced as he tried and failed to reach the bag he'd brought with him and foolishly dropped on the floor without bending. Noticing his futile efforts, Thomasin stretched out in her seat, catching the strap on the end of her prosthetic and lifting it up high enough for him to grab.
"…thank you, Miss Show-Off."
"Don't be mad that you're more crippled than I am…" She tapped her index fingers together, her innocent voice at odds with the devious smirk lighting up her entire face. She was reveling in the fact that he was having a harder time moving than she was, but he would not let her think she was getting to him. Not because it was actually embarrassing and pretending it wasn't was the only way to save face… well, not entirely, but because it was nice seeing her so openly giddy about something… even if it was just the fact that he now moved like arthritic old man.
"I know the world is huge, and I also know the Titans aren't coming from 'everywhere'; why do you think there are no expeditions to the north?" She shrugged, clearly never having considered that or even cared. He continued pressing her. "We know there are mountains beyond the northern wall; we can see them in the distance. Let's say Titans can't climb mountains. Why no expeditions to the east or west?"
"Because… the stupid Crown and idiot civilians only measure Corps success by how many Titans are killed?"
"Exactly, and there are almost no Titans there. You lived in Quinta, right?"
"Yeah…?"
"Did you remember seeing as many Garrison soldiers as you see in Shiganshina?"
"Not… really. I guess that's why the southern Garrisons are so bloated..." He could see the truth dawning on her in her eyes. "So you think all the Titans in the world are funneling here through a single area?"
"Maybe not all the Titans in the world…" After all, he was certain there were other humans, other strongholds somewhere, and surely Titans were besieging them as well. "But certainly all the Titans that are hounding us. If we can block off their entry point, we can kill all the Titans at least in the immediate area. Then we can draw new maps, build new settlements- maybe even make contact with other humans…!" He couldn't keep the excitement from his voice as he dug through his bag, pulling out the largest sheet of paper within. Thomasin didn't share his enthusiasm. 'Yet…' He thought gleefully.
"New maps, are you crazy? You think map-makers are going to risk stepping foot outside the walls? You'd better hope the Scouts recruit a decent artist. Anyway, that's all nice to think about, but you'd never manage to get that far out. You can barely make it out ten kilometers without having to turn back- how would you ever go further than that?" Erwin smiled widely, standing and unfolding the paper.
"I'm so happy you asked me that…" Setting the paper on the table- and barely noticing that he nearly knocked his cup over in the process- he swept a hand over his art. "Behold, my magnum opus!"
"…what the hell is this garbage…?"
"Ha. This, my dear Thomasin, is what I have been working tirelessly to create for the better part of a year. I call it the 'Long-Distance Enemy Scouting Formation'." She glanced up from moving his cup, shaking her head.
"Oh, you've gotta do something about that name."
"Who cares about the name?! This is how we extend the range of our expeditions!" She remained unimpressed. Sighing deeply, he rotated the paper and walked behind her chair, leaning over her and bracing himself on the table as he broke down his formation. "I've been utilizing a similar formation with the rearguard on a much smaller scale for months, but the basic idea is the same. The outermost riders will serve as the eyes for the entire platoon. If they spot a Titan, they send up a red signal flare-" He pointed at a hypothetical position on the upper right.
"-The surrounding Scouts who see the initial flare will send off flares of their own, as will those surrounding them, until the signal reaches the commander-" He drew concentric circles around his starting position, taking a moment to ensure his companion was still paying attention. To his surprise, and delight, she was, staring at the formation as if it were suddenly the most interesting thing in the world.
"-The commander will be able to tell the general position of the Titan, and will be able to change course to avoid it, signaling the change in direction with a green flare, which will also be fired off by everyone in that direction who sees it. It's not foolproof, but… just think about it, Thomasin! Think about how much longer expeditions can go for if we avoid Titans before they even notice us. How much further we can explore when a quarter of our soldiers aren't dead before we even stop to let the horses rest. I know it would work… I just need to convince the commander of that…"
The young woman remained silent, drawing her own circles on another part of the formation. Maybe he was imagining things, but it seemed to him that she was trying to figure out how long it would take a signal to reach the center from other positions in the formation. Erwin should have been downright giddy that someone as apathetic towards Scouting missions as Thomasin was taking a vested interest in his plans, but at that moment, all he really noticed was how low he had bent during his explanation.
The stitch tearing through his ribs as he tried to straighten was what initially drew his attention to the fact, but now that he had been made aware of it, he realized with a thrill of dread that his chest was all but pressed against the young woman's shoulders. Her hair tickled his cheek, a barely-there scent of something sweet and flowery wafting over him. She shifted, and he glanced away from the table in time to see a drop of sweat roll over her clavicle, her blouse cut just low enough for his eyes to follow its path between her cleavage…
"Erwin…" He stiffened. Good lord, what was wrong with him?! Was he that pathetic, to lose all his sense as soon as he saw a pair of breasts? Very nice breasts, but still! "Did you… come up with all this on your own?"
"M-mostly," he choked out, barely paying attention to what was being asked of him. "Mike came up with the idea to use flares, but..." Thomasin turned in her seat, looking up at him. Was she going to freak out once she realized how close he was? Maybe not- she wasn't the "freak out" type, but she certainly wouldn't be pleased. He must have looked like a lecher-
"That's amazing."
"…what?"
"I didn't think this was anything special at first, but then I started thinking about how it would actually work in the field, and…" She laughed breathlessly, her eyes sparkling with admiration. In the dim light of the room, they looked black, like staring into a lake he couldn't see the bottom of. "This is brilliant. You're brilliant, Erwin… I can't believe you're actually this smart." He chuckled weakly, nervous.
"Yeah, well… I keep my extra brains in my eyebrows; they've got to be good for something." It was hard to believe he was smart when something that stupid had just rolled out of his mouth, but he was having difficulty thinking straight when Thomasin was so close to him and the heat from the room, and from her arm brushing against his chest, and the smell of flowers was making his head spin.
"Heh, well I'd say they're storing intelligence for at least two more people in-" Her smile dropped at once. "Erwin, are you okay?"
"Huh?"
"You're all flushed." She reached up, pressing the back of her hand to his forehead, then both his cheeks, lips pulling into a frown. "You're really warm. You don't have an infection, do you?"
"No! …probably not. I'm fine, it's just… really hot in here…" The young woman sighed, pushing herself to stand.
"Yeah, I know it's bad." Grabbing Erwin's shoulders, she steered him to her bed with surprising gentleness. "Kick your shoes off and lay down. I was worried about you getting pneumonia, but I guess in this weather, heat exhaustion is more likely." He wanted to argue, but that would probably just lead to her ripping his shoes off herself and tossing him onto the bed with far less gentleness. Biting back a pained groan, he let himself sink into the roughly straightened comforter, noting that when he wasn't curled up, his ankles dangled over the edge of the mattress.
"It's June, it's not even that hot… How do you survive in here with only one window?" He asked, trying to distract himself from his earlier, lecherous thoughts by puzzling what she was splashing with the water pump behind his head.
"It doesn't bother me much. Besides, when you're not here, I just stay in my underwear…" He mouthed a curse, quickly trying to picture the most unflattering, unarousing thoughts he could. The distended bodies of Titans proved to be an adequate distraction until Thomasin limped back over to him, laying a wet cloth over his brow. Her sleeves were damp around the wrists. "The kids have the right idea."
"What kids?" He lowered the cloth to cover his eyes as she sat on the edge of the bed, settling her hand over his knee. The repetitive stroking motion of her thumb would have been calming if that wasn't what was causing his head to start throbbing in time to his pulse.
"My neighbors' kids, all the other kids in Shiganshina… Every morning, they head out to Wall Maria territory to play in the river and sleep in the shade."
"What shade? The village is just as bad as the district- those houses are in full sunlight."
"There's some trees here and there, and who's gonna bother them if they go out a few more kilometers? And even if you were standing out in the sun, it'd still be cooler than the shadiest alley in the district. The way the buildings are laid out here, there are barely any breezes if you aren't above roof level…" She sighed, her thumb going still. "Never thought I'd miss being able to climb up onto the roof, but here we are…"
Maybe it was because he wasn't distracted by any sights, but the disappointment in her voice sounded far more overt than he would have expected. Erwin's jaw tightened. He still wasn't great at comforting people. Motivating them, sure- he could regurgitate the same empty, ego-stroking platitudes a hundred different ways and make each of them sound unique by virtue of his timbre alone. But he doubted Thomasin wanted a motivational speech.
Maybe a hug would help. Lisa was a firm believer that hugs could solve most problems, but the thought of wrapping his arms around her, his chest flat against her back, his cheek pressed firm against hers, his arms wrapped around her waist, his hands- NO! 'You won't make a fool of me, lewd thoughts…'
No, physical contact was out of the question until he calmed the fuck down. Snapping back from his self-contained civil war, he wondered, horrified, how long he had just been laying there in silence. Surely it had only been a few seconds, but it felt like so much longer. Was she waiting for him to say something? Even if she wasn't, he probably looked like a selfish asshole who had just fallen asleep as she laid bare her insecurities to him. 'Say something. Anything , you fool…!'
"We should go out to Wall Maria territory."
"What?" 'Not that , you brainless idiot…!' Erwin slapped himself mentally, but the cat was already out of the bag, and there was no putting it back in without making an even bigger fool of himself. All he could do now was double down and pretend that he had said that on purpose.
"You said yourself; it's cooler out there than in here. And a change of scenery would be nice. We could have a picnic."
"Uhh… it's a bit late for a picnic…" She was giving him an out, but he'd already dug himself into this hole, and digging up was not an option.
"Not now. Next month, maybe." She would think about it, realize how weird what he was asking was, say no, and he'd be able to laugh off his embarrassment. This was a wager he was fully willing to throw.
"Yeah. Okay, that sounds nice." What? The blonde man pulled the cloth from his eyes, staring at his friend in a way that he hoped didn't reveal just how panicked his internal screams had grown. She wasn't supposed to say yes, and yet she did, and she was looking at him and… God, was the heat affecting his vision or did her smile look… different, somehow? No, he was just imagining things. "I'll make a fancy lunch, and we can celebrate the commander approving your formation." He smiled back, despite his insides feeling like they had been replaced with birds desperately beating their wings against his rib cage.
"Wonderful. It's a date."
000000000
"OH MY GOD, Erwin has a date!"
"No, I don't. It's a turn of phrase."
"How the hell do you turn a phrase?" The blonde man tore what remained of his bread in half, hurling a piece each at Lisa and Gerwalt. Unfortunately, while his blade strikes may have been precise, he had never been much of a marksman- his perfect test scores and ODM aptitude making up for his… passable gun play- and even at less than a meter away, his targets easily dodged or caught his projectiles.
For the most part, since he had been given his own squad, Erwin didn't spend much time with his old teammates, but this morning, Squad Twelve decided to push another table against the one his squad was seated at so all nine Scouts could sit… somewhat comfortably. Commander Shadis would be meeting with the section commanders today, and at the request of Corporal Dresden, Erwin had been invited to propose his formation. It was a high honor for a lowly captain, and such a newly instated one at that, to have the ears of the Survey Corps' leadership. Mike insisted that he needed all the emotional support he could get, and Erwin was inclined to agree.
He wouldn't have even come down for breakfast had his own squad not burst into his office and dragged him to the mess hall. He'd woken when the sky was still richly dark, running to the toilet to dry heave as scenes from whatever night terror had been plaguing him flashed across his eyelids. He couldn't remember what he had been dreaming about, only that the mere thought of enduring it again made him retch, so he let any hope of getting back to sleep die, and instead devoted himself to practicing the speech he'd prepared. He'd memorized it already, but memorizing something wouldn't do much good if his voice trembled and broke like he was a terrified child.
His squad mates immediately zeroed in on his problem, and spent a good ten minutes just doing their best to convince him that he was smart and charming and very handsome, and needed to eat something to settle his nerves as well as his stomach. Well, he certainly felt less nauseous, the bland food serving a purpose for once, but his nerves were doing no better. He was no longer worried about botching his presentation, but now he was forced to fight off baseless accusations, even from sides that should have had no stake in this battle.
"Wait, you have a girlfriend, Captain Erwin?"
"No-"
"Yes!" Hange's gaping mouth curled up into a toothy smile that wouldn't have looked out of place on a Titan. They had no business being so delighted by this.
"No. Shut the hell up," he added specifically to Mike, whose devious grin was giving Lisa's a run for its money. He turned back to his subordinate, expression stern. "There is nothing romantic going on between us. This is a platonic friend-"
"If there's nothing going on, why are you getting so upset?" Horace asked through a cheekful of toast.
"Because this slander has crossed the line from annoying to infuriating. This is bordering sexual harrassment. Everyone at this table- everyone in the Survey Corps- has platonic friends of the opposite sex. No one is accusing me of having a relationship with Lisa-"
"You are the exact opposite of my type, Erwin."
"-or Cecile-"
"I mean, after a few drinks, I wouldn't say 'no'…"
"-but as soon as my oldest living friend- who I was friends with while I was in a relationship with someone else- leaves the military, speculation abounds! You all," he spat, pointing at everyone at the table, taking special care to jab an accusatory finger at Lisa, "Are just deviants who can't accept something as pure and incorruptible as my friendship with Thomasin. I pity you."
"Oh my god, get down from your high horse before you fall and snap your neck, Smith…" Gerwalt mumbled. "We get it; you're a prude."
"Wait…" One of the new recruits on Mike's squad, a blonde woman whose name was Nana or something like that, frowned slightly. "Thomasin… That dark senior with curly hair? Why wouldn't you want to date her, Captain? She's pretty!" And just like that, the accusations of him being involved with Thomasin ceased… and in their place came the indignant- and far too personal- questions about why he wasn't.
"The fuck, Smith? You have a cute girl who cooks for you; what else do you need, you greedy bastard?"
"Why do you have to call her 'cute'?"
"All girls are cute!"
"Nah, I bet Erwin just likes 'em tiny and blonde. He likes fucking petite, feminine versions of himself. He can't get it up for anything else- you know, like a crazy person~!"
"There's nothing wrong with having a preference…" he muttered, trying not to feel attacked despite remembering Marie's beaten gold locks, tied back from her face, and her too blue eyes. Still lovely in his memories…
"Fuck that; I'll take what I can get."
"Why don't you date her, then?" Erwin spat at Mike, almost relieved to be pulled from his thoughts. The older man's mustache twitched as he smirked in a way that reminded him far too much of the way Nile had looked when everyone said he was getting "friendly" with Marie.
"That's not the 'gotcha' you think it is, Smith. Giant girl who can keep me fed and kick my ass? Sign me the fuck up; I'd marry her in a heartbeat. Only a fool would pass that up, my friend." The majority of the table laughed heartily at his proclamation.
"Okay, so Mike likes being stepped on. We'll keep that in mind for when his birthday comes around," Gerwalt wheezed. Erwin shook his head, getting to his feet and giving one last disapproving look around the table that would have done any disappointed father proud.
"I can't ever take you deviants out in public. Shameless, all of you."
"When you get back, we're going to help you plan out your date with Thomasin, okay?" Cecile leaned back as far as she could to call after him.
Irritated as he had been at the time, Erwin was secretly glad for all his companions' good-natured ribbing. He knew they didn't mean anything by it; it only made him feel awkward because something was wrong with him, something he didn't have time to think about as he gathered his supplies and headed for the Commander's office. All their ridiculous talk about relationships effectively chased away his worries about the meeting, at least until the heavy oak door creaked opened and his heart suddenly decided it needed to fulfill a lifetimes' worth of beats in that very moment.
Fortunately, it was Corporal Dresden who opened the door, giving the younger man a wan smile as he waved him in. Pressing his back to the door as it clicked shut, Erwin kept his head down and mouth shut; he was not a part of this meeting, and the last thing he needed now of all times was to inadvertently piss the commander off. Hazarding a glance up, he bit back a wince. Shadis looked as though he had aged a decade in the last week, bags so dark under his eyes they looked more like bruises. His hair was looking thinner as well, with more than a bit of gray peppered around his temples. At the very least, when he spoke to the section commanders, his voice still sounded strong, even though the news he brought wasn't exactly good.
The Survey Corps wasn't being disbanded… yet. There would be no missions for quite some time, however, as their funding was being slashed… again. Erwin let himself zone out, only half listening to the embittered grumblings of the senior officers. It wasn't as though he could do anything about it. One person couldn't change anything, at least, not for the better. They could certainly make the world a worse place, but to go against the flow and improve things? That was nigh impossible. Instead of dwelling on those things he could not affect, he mentally went over his talking points. He hoped the other officers would ask questions; it was easier to explain things to an invested audience. It was doubtful the commander would care much. Then again, he'd expected Thomasin not to give his plan a second thought either, but she had been impressed.
This is brilliant… You're brilliant, Erwin…
"Erwin… Erwin!" A pair of fingers snapped an inch from the arched bridge of his nose, bringing him back to the present.
"Forgive me, sir."
"Great to have you back in the real world, kid. You're up." Swallowing hard, he nodded and stepped forward, stopping a foot from Shadis' desk, back straight, heels together.
"If I may, sir?" He gestured to the desk. The older man made a noise that he chose to take as a yes, unfolding his formation and spreading the paper out. The other officers all gather closer, craning their necks or tilting their heads to try and make sense of what they were looking at.
"Since the Survey Corps was founded, we've approached all of our excursions beyond the walls in nearly the exact same way- lines of close-interval squadrons. Recently, we've been using two lines to make better use of a rearguard, but even that has proven ineffective. Despite there being sixteen kilometers of mapped land beyond Wall Maria, in the year I've been with the Survey Corps, we've barely traveled half of that distance." The commander's eyes narrowed dangerously.
"Because we've been busy. Unless it escaped your notice, we had a tangible goal for the first time in decades, a victory that was finally within our reach…" The loathing in Shadis' voice quickly petered out, leaving nothing but weary misery in its' place.
"I know that, Commander," Erwin reassured him softly. "This blow against us has hurt me so deeply, I can't even imagine how it's affecting you, who has poured so much of himself into this mission… But it is for that reason that I believe we should return to the Survey Corps' roots, the very reason they call us the 'Scouting Regiment'. We must advance, not wait for the Titans to come to us and destroy all that we attempt to build. We must push forward, mapping out the unknown and, God willing, find where these monsters are coming from to stop them at the source!" The silence in the room was patently uncomfortable, but Erwin would not let himself be embarrassed, not when he knew he was right. One of the section commanders, Pendelton, snickered under his breath.
"So you want to charge headfirst into even more heavily populated Titan territory."
"I do. And that's why I bring this formation for your approval, Officers." He leaned on the table, just has he had done when explaining the finer points of his plan to Thomasin, but this time, he wasn't brimming with excitement, he didn't smile when the other Scouts leaned closer to better see what he was talking about, and even when the commander stood to take in the entire formation, there was none of the giddiness from before. His voice and gestures were detached, clinical- it felt as though two different people were explaining the same thing in his mind.
"...we wouldn't fight…?" Shadis asked once Erwin had finished explaining, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Right. This is the strategy I've been utilizing with the rearguard for the last several expeditions, sir."
"You gotta admit, Keith, there have been less deaths since Zacharias and Smith have been working together…" Dresden noted wryly. The younger captain made no comment on that, not wanting to come across as boastful.
"This is basically the same idea, only on a far greater- and therefore, more effective- scale. We'll expand the range of our activities by avoiding battles with Titans. I call it 'The Long-Distance Enemy Scouting Formation'. Please, use it in our next expedition out-"
" No." Erwin blinked, the words dying on his tongue as he met the commander's eyes. 'Why… are you looking at me like that…? What can you possibly see that you despise that much…?' "Try it when you're commander. You're dismissed, Smith."
He couldn't speak. Even if spitting out the angry, hateful words burning the tip of his tongue like acid wouldn't get him written up for insubordination, making his mouth and throat work in that moment was a Herculean task that he in no way was capable of. Swallowing, his throat aching as though it was coated with crushed glass, the young captain folded his formation, offered the stiffest salute he'd ever given and turned on his heel. A hand on his shoulder forced him to pause.
"Don't lose heart, kid. One day, yeah?" One day …
When you're commander…
Nodding, he continued walking, closing the door behind him as quietly as possible before heading back to his quarters. Locking his own door, Erwin dragged his feet over to his desk, pulling out the bottommost drawer and dropping his formation inside before kicking it shut. God, had he ever been so disappointed? It was unlike anything he'd ever felt before, a dark, swirling pit that sucked away all the bitterness and anger and sense of injustice and just left him feeling… empty. Dropping into his chair, he couldn't even find the energy to vocalize his pain as his ribs broken scraped against each other. A part of him wasn't even upset with Commander Shadis. In hindsight, he was the stupid one, for even allowing himself to think things would go right just because he wanted them to. The world was cruel and unjust- the good died young, and the petty incompetents reigned; hadn't he learned that by now?
Well, there was nothing for it, now. His duty as a soldier was to obey, and if his commanding officer wanted to keep leading his fellow Scouts to their deaths, all he could do was try not to be the next one on the pyre. There was no point in planning anymore, so for the next several weeks, he simple redoubled his training, ignoring the advice of the medics that he needed to rest to properly heal. Resting allowed the emotional part of his mind to take hold, and he didn't want to deal with that.
Especially not as he watched most of the Scouts leaving the base in their civilian clothes one hot, July day, excited chatter rising up from the courtyard right along with the shimmering heat. It was still fairly early in the day. If he left for the ferry now, Thomasin probably wouldn't be waiting at the Wall Maria gate long.
I'll make a fancy lunch, and we can celebrate the Commander approving your formation…
Mail hadn't gone out yet, and even if it had, how could he have been expected to relive his failure through written words? In his mind's eye, Erwin saw her standing at the gate, holding a basket filled with food she'd prepared especially for him, wearing something flowy and yellow- why yellow? Maybe the already blazing sun had burned it into his eyes- and waiting for him to show up so she could smile at him, so proud, so expectant, because of course his formation was approved. And when he told her it wasn't, the pride and admiration would slip away and be replaced with pity. Tearing his eyes away from the retreating figures, he turned and headed towards the stables. He could practice evasive maneuvers today.
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A/N- Hange's here! The gang's almost assembled! I'm not used to writing a gender-neutral character, so if I get pronouns wrong, don't crucify me. Finally, getting back into the angst (that's how you write romance, right?). I hope you enjoyed the fluff while it lasted. So, I'm using both the anime as well as the manga for reference (and especially "No Regrets" because it's honestly the best thing in the AoT franchise, not counting the fan translation of Junior High), but leaning a bit more heavily on the manga because it just has way more details. If you only watched the anime, you wouldn't even know that Shadis initially rejected Erwin's formation because they couldn't be bothered to add the three static images needed to convey that scene. God, I hate writing Keith as a villain because I actually love him as a character- he is my fourth favorite character in the series, and I think it shows with how much screen time he's getting in this fic.