Reasons

by SilverShadow1711

The world could be a cruel, wicked place, filled with nightmares and terrors unending. Erwin Smith made the choice to throw himself into those nightmares, but even the most steadfast man is not an island. At the very least, there was someone he could fall back on, even if it took him some time to realize it. (Erwin backstory-centric, the slowest of slow burns. Cross-posted on AO3)

9. Sweetness

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Ch. 9- "Sweetness"

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The air within the confines of Shiganshina was stagnant. The day was mild, but it was past noon and the already rising humidity was but a taste of the coming summer heat. April showers did little inside the district but create puddles for the children to splash in, which was why Erwin put on a burst of speed as the terraced houses came into view, taking the first flight of stairs two at a time before smart alec children got any ideas. The small courtyard was riddled with potholes, still filled with water from last night, and if he'd hesitated for even a moment, that muddy water would have been all over his clean shirt. He hadn't escaped the notice of a sopping wet boy, however, who paused long enough to wave.

"Hi, Mister Smith! Are you here to see Miss Tammy?"

"I am. Do you know if she's home?"

"Uh huh." The little girl beside him wiped her muddy hands on her dress, making the older man cringe mentally. "She just came back."

"Back from where?"

"I dunno."

"I see. Well, thank you, Hannah." He'd come to learn the two children he'd "met" that harried winter day were Thomasin's downstairs neighbors, or at least, the children of her neighbor. He'd mentioned that they knew who he was (making a point to leave out what they thought he was), resulting in some… choice words from the young woman.

"Yeah, their mom's a nosy bitch, that's why. She had the gall to approach me one day, saying that it's 'improper' for a young lady to have a 'gentleman caller' visit her at home without supervision. Just call me a 'whore' and be done with it…"

Well, whatever their mother thought of the pair of Scouts, the young siblings had no such foibles. In the years since, they'd grown quite accustomed to the sight of him. Even though Caleb was disappointed that Erwin wasn't a ghost, he still thought it was "cool" that he had actually killed Titans, and even cooler that the weird lady who lived upstairs had almost been eaten by one. Little Hannah was rightfully terrified by the whole Titan business, but had been delighted to learn that the Scouts rode horses, and desperately wanted to know if, when he brought his horse to take Miss Tammy to their wedding, she could have a ride on it. The only answer he could come up with at the time was an utterly bemused "We'll see", but nowadays, the memory brought a smile with it, usually along with a flush that warmed his cheeks for far too long.

Even children teased him over this perceived relationship; what was the world coming to? Well, they could think whatever they wanted- it wouldn't sour his mood. Finally reaching Thomasin's door, he rapped a quick beat on the wood, shifting the objects he held over to his left arm.

"Who is it?" Given how muffled her voice was, she was probably in bed.

"Delivery~!" There was a pause, but then he heard the thumping of her crutch, louder than usual, and grinned. Oh, she was annoyed… He stood back as the door opened, just in case she tried to take a swipe at him with her handy bludgeon.

"What the hell are you delivering, Smith?"

"You, to Wall Maria." He held up the things he'd brought with him, a blanket and a paper bag filled with something oily enough to leave dark stains on the bottom. "I owe you a picnic." She looked up at him as though he'd just told her Titans bled limeade.

"God, you're still thinking about that? I told you to let it go." His cheerful expression darkened slightly.

"I can't let it go until I make it up to you." He'd never been especially good at handling guilt. She knew that… "I should have done this forever ago, but-"

"-but you've been busy," she answered for him, her understanding only serving to make him feel even more wretched. "I was never upset about the picnic, Erwin; I'll never begrudge you life getting in the way of things… I just wanted to know that you were alright. And you've been very good about keeping me informed these days, so it's fine." Blue eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"So you're certain you're not still harboring any lingering resentment towards me over that…?" Thomasin heaved a sigh, but spared him a small, if not weary, smile.

"Pretty sure." At once, Erwin's grin was back in place.

"Great. Then let's go."

"Right now?"

"Why not?"

"It's late."

"It's not that late. It's barely past noon." Groaning, she ran a hand over her hair. It amazed and amused him to no end, the way the dark coils sprang back into place no matter how flattened they had been. Secretly, he wondered if they felt as soft and fluffy as they looked…

"What's this really about, Erwin?" The fingers of his unoccupied hand flexed nervously, and he focused on a knot in the door frame just above her left ear, hoping to distract himself from the heat creeping up his throat.

"I thought it would be nice to celebrate your birthday with you…"

"My birthday's next month."

"I know, but we have an expedition that day and, if everything goes well, we won't be back until the day after."

"Oh." Her gaze dropped, staring out over the balcony behind him but not really seeing anything out there.

They were both thinking the same thing. If everything went well… Maybe it was underhanded, using the ever looming threat of his own death to manipulate her into saying "yes" to his plans, but in Erwin's defense, this was one of the least selfish things he'd ever wanted. Thomasin had demanded he no longer apologize for his behavior, insisting that she forgave him, but that did nothing to assuage his guilt.

Sometimes, he still thought about her waiting at the inner gate for him, basket in hand and a smile that slowly dimmed before being snuffed out for good… Sometimes, before expeditions, he had nightmares about the same thing, only she was waiting by the outer gate, and he could only watch, mute and frozen, as Frey or Lisa or Mike handed her a bloody arm or leg, the only piece they could find of him. Those dreams were stupid, he reminded himself during his waking hours- she wasn't his next of kin. His ashes would be swept up with a dozen others', and maybe Hange would be good enough to write her a letter informing her of his passing… Thomasin inhaled deeply and sighed.

"Well, I guess I wasn't doing anything but reading today anyway. Alright, let me change." He frowned.

"What's wrong with what you're wearing now?" He didn't know much about fashion, much less women's fashion, but the long dress she wore looked fine to him.

"This is a nightgown."

"O-oh…"

"Yeah. Just give me a minute."

She closed the door, thankfully giving Erwin a moment to try and beat back the flush that was threatening to set his face ablaze. 'Why are you opening the door in a nightgown…?!' Well, he knew the reason; because she'd known it was him. She'd seen him in little more than his underwear- this wasn't nearly as risqué. Still, he mentally argued, it was different with women. As she herself said, it was indecent if she showed as much skin as he could get away with.

But, as she'd also complained, that was dumb. After all, he hadn't even realized it was anything but a normal dress. The only reason his perception of the garment had changed was because of the context generally associated with nightgowns. And that was even more dumb- there was nothing inherently sexual about sleeping… Except, maybe, for the image of a woman splayed out atop her sheets, unguarded and vulnerable, her nightgown riding up her thighs as her legs relaxed and fell open-

"Okay, I'm ready."

"Great!" Locking the door, Thomasin fixed her companion with a concerned frown.

"Are you okay, Erwin?"

"Just peachy!"

"You don't look… peachy."

"I was… just… thinking…"

"…about?"

"Uh… uh…" Pale blue eyes darted as he tried to think of a lie. "…dead kittens." The young woman gasped, not even attempting to hide her pained look.

"Oh my god, that's horrible! Did you see one on the way here?"

"Y-yeah…"

"Ohh, poor thing… I hope it's not close by; I wouldn't want Hannah to see it…"

"Don't worry, it's not. Come on, we should go…"

~o0o~

Erwin mentally cursed himself for coming up with the stupidest lie imaginable, but if nothing else, at least it effectively chased away those repulsively improper thoughts. Honestly, what was wrong with him? If he wanted to think about women in their nightgowns in provocative poses, he could do so at night, when he was alone. Right now, the only thing he needed to think about was the woman beside him, and keeping her as happy as possible. He'd already almost fucked up that simple task by bringing up a dead animal, but at least he'd steered the conversation far away enough from death to take her mind off it.

While she had changed, Thomasin had also prepared a basket- the same basket she had given him to carry his (or rather, his squad and Mike's) jam in. It had taken far too long, but he'd finally returned it, as well as the washed-out jars- clear glass wasn't cheap, after all. She'd filled it this time with a dark bottle of some secret liquid, two cups, and a leatherbound book that she was currently agonizing over to him as they made their way to the inner gate.

"-third time I'm reading it. Every chapter makes me feel like I'm in way over my head, and these are just the basics of basics of chemistry! I feel like this kind of stuff should be taught exclusively in universities, and I have no business even attempting to understand it…"

"Mr. Reed is a licensed apothecary and chemist, right? What difference is it learning from him on the job and learning from him in a university?"

"I don't know, it just seems like there'd be a difference. I'd probably fail out of university immediately, for starters..." She shrugged haplessly as they stepped onto the bridge that led out to the sweeping plains of Wall Maria.

Almost immediately, the air was cooler, fresher. Not as clean as the air outside the walls, but as close as anyone who didn't want to contend with Titans could get. Despite the sun shining bright, the grass was still wet in places. The small village right at the base of the wall held many homes, but there were very few people outside them, a few men fishing in the river, trying to catch something before the ferry came back, a handful of people standing near the closest mill. They continued walking until the homes gradually gave way to open fields dotted with trees. Aside from the odd traveler or children getting firewood, most people in the territories between the walls only left their villages during the celebratory festivals in the summer and winter, meaning they would have nothing but peace and quiet today. Erwin paused, scanning the plain before his eyes settled on an old, twisted tree with a wide canopy on a gently sloping hill.

"That's perfect- let's sit there." Taking two long strides to get ahead of her, the blonde man turned and walked backwards to face his companion as he spoke, something he used to do often when they were cadets. "I think the way you're learning now is better. In a formal setting, there are questions you can't ask… or at least, answers you can't get. My father taught me more at home than he ever did in the classroom." Looking at her head on, Erwin could see the way her gaze shifted away from his just a little when he mentioned his father. He couldn't tell if it was because she was uncomfortable, or if she worried that he might be.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure you were smarter as a kid than I am now… I'm honestly surprised Mr. Reed is making an effort to teach me anything. I guess it could be because he wants to do less work, but at the same time, he really takes pride in the quality of his products, and if I make a mistake, that's his reputation on the line."

"Maybe he just thinks you have potential. When I went there looking for you, he said you were taking your work seriously." 'He also said I should "stay dead", but let's not mention that…' Thomasin scoffed under her breath.

"Yeah, he probably noticed I wasn't stealing as much… 'Potential'…" Despite her bitter tone, she looked thoughtful. Almost… hopeful.

"Do you… like being an apothecary?"

"I don't know. Kind of…? If I don't think about it too hard, it's basically cooking. Measuring out exact quantities, crushing, mixing, pouring… It's mostly mindless busywork, but… it's relaxing in a way. I like mindless, repetitive motions. And I hate to admit it, but… I do kind of like the idea of Mr. Reed thinking I'm good at this job? I've never been good at anything before…"

"That's not true." Erwin didn't even realize what he'd said until the words had left his mouth and Thomasin was frowning at him.

"Oh yeah? What am I good at, Smith?" He scoured his mind. It wasn't that he didn't have an answer, or several, readily available- it was only that if he said aloud what he was currently thinking, he would immediately pass away, unable to continue living with that embarrassment. Instead, he recalled something else, from their days as cadets.

"Munitions."

"What?"

"When we were in the Training Corps, you always got high marks in munitions training. If I recall correctly, you were the first person in our class to be able to strip and reassemble a rifle in the allotted time limit." She chuckled dryly as they reached the base of the hill. She paused to test her weight on her peg on each step up the incline, brushing Erwin's hand away when he offered it to her.

"Yeah, I was good at the most useless task. How could I have forgotten?"

"It wouldn't have been useless if you had joined the Military Police." Since she didn't want his help, he went ahead to spread out the blanket, setting the bottle and basket containing the cups and book down on opposite corners. "And you had good aim, so that's two things you were good at."

"I mean, I did plan on joining the Garrison. Guess I'd be decent at firing canons… I can't believe you remembered that."

"I remember being jealous." He toed off his shoes, setting them on the grass so as to not track dirt where they'd be sitting. "I thought, 'this isn't right- this slacker can't be better than me'. And before you say anything, yes; I was a petty asshole. I admit it."

"You were right, though," she said as she reached the crest of the hill, leaning heavily on her crutch and breathing harder than normal. "I'm not better than you at anything that matters. That's why you're a captain on the cusp of another promotion in the Survey Corps, and I'm a cripple who… probably can't sit down here on her own… Help?"

Erwin blinked, taken aback. This was the first time Thomasin had ever asked him for help doing… anything. Maybe this was just the first time she'd encountered something that was just too difficult to manage on her own, but he liked to think that she was finally comfortable showing a bit of weakness around him. Thinking for a moment, he stepped in front of her, the grass rough under his bare feet.

"Give me your crutch, and give me your hands." She hesitated for a second, but grabbed his left hand with her right, using him to help her balance as she handed him the crutch. He hooked it over his right shoulder, taking her other hand. "I'm going to lower you down, alright?"

"Y-yeah…" If she were speaking to anyone else, they probably wouldn't have caught that tiny tremor in her voice, but he noticed it and the way her grip tightened on his hands as he slowly lowered her. He smiled reassuringly.

"Don't worry, Lindemann; I'm not going to let you fall."

"I'm more worried about my foot slipping out from under me, and you falling on top of me and crushing me."

"…well, I'm not going to let that happen, either." It never occurred to him that something as simple as sitting could be made so difficult until he watched Thomasin awkwardly fold her leg under herself while having to keep her prosthetic raised out of the way. When she was finally seated on the blanket, she quickly looked away, but not before he noticed the flush dusting her cheeks. He'd have noted how pretty that rosy undertone was against her amber skin if it wasn't clear from her downcast eyes that her pretty blush was born of shame.

"Thanks…" She muttered as he set her crutch down beside her.

"Don't mention it." She turned away from him slightly as he made his way to her other side, grabbing the bag he'd brought from Trost. "I'm not going to lie; I'm kind of glad we're out here in April instead of July. Even without the heat, I don't think I could stand listening to shrieking children playing in the river."

"You're such a joyless old man, Erwin. Didn't you play with the other kids when you were young?"

"Sometimes, but even then, I never liked the ones who screamed for no reason."

"So you were a joyless old man even when you were a child?"

"Basically. Were you one of those screechy little girls?"

"No, I didn't have anyone to play with when I was younger."

"Were there… not other children where you lived?"

"No, there were; I just didn't have any friends."

The matter-of-fact tone with which she told him that depressing fact was more upsetting than the knowledge itself. Erwin hadn't been "popular" when he was young- he liked books more than rough housing, and children were more inclined to mock the teacher's pet when they were also the teacher's son- but he'd had children he was friendly with, children he could play with after school, and eat lunch with, and talk to. Those were the children he'd told his father's theory to, but they were all just as ignorant as he had been; if he hadn't known not to tell, how could he expect them to? He'd been abstractly aware of the kids who sat by themselves and didn't join in when the rest of the class held races or climbed trees, but they had just blended into the background, nameless, faceless props.

He would have liked to think that, if he'd met Thomasin when they were both children, he would have approached her and been her friend, but that was a lie. Even in the Training Corps, despite knowing she existed, his gaze had slid over her as though she wasn't really there. For over a year, he barely acknowledged her presence. She had been the one to speak to him first, if only to reprimand him for wasting food. If she hadn't, if he hadn't been alone and just clear-minded enough to notice how different she looked, would he have ever spoken a word to her? Probably not… Pushing those dismal, reflective thoughts from his mind, he stretched out on the blanket.

"Well, you have friends now, so you can shriek to your heart's content."

"Ha. I'd kill myself trying that these days. My old lady throat would rupture." She was doing… something, and Erwin found his curiosity piqued.

Shifting closer, he glanced over her hip, eyes growing wide as saucers as he realized she'd folded her skirt up to mid-thigh. In the back of his mind, he realized she was fiddling with her prosthetic, and maybe someone else would have found that a more interesting sight, but all he could focus on was the outstretched leg closest to him. He'd never seen so much bare skin on a woman before. Once, Marie had let him reach under her skirt as they kissed behind the tavern, and even now, he still remembered how soft her skin was as he trailed his hand up her calf, the give of her thigh… But he hadn't seen anything; it had been dark, and she'd been far too shy to let him actually lift her skirt.

The first thing he noticed- or at least, the first thought to break free from the tangled mess of them in his mind- was that Thomasin's skin was evenly dark beneath her clothes. He vaguely assumed it would be like his, that there would be a distinct line, like when he rolled his sleeves up doing chores in the summer, a noticeable difference between the skin the sun kissed and that which remained hidden. But with her, the back of her hand was the same shade as her thigh, and he could only imagine that her complexion remained even all the way up, where the skirt still covered-

"You got quiet all of a sudden. What…?" She turned to look where he had been sitting, but noticing he wasn't there, glanced over her other shoulder, meeting his guilty expression head on. "Erwin-"

"I wasn't staring at your leg!" He lied, sitting up and wishing a bolt of lightning would strike him then and there. Thomasin sighed, pulling her skirt back down.

"No, I get it. I probably should have told you before I did it; I know it's kind of a shock, but I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. Tch, so much for that…" He frowned, thrown for a loop. What was she talking about…? Bright blue eyes widened as she set another piece of wood beside her crutch, a tangle of belts and straps and laces attached to it. "I just wanted to take it off so I could sit comfortably…"

His heart sank. She thought he was staring at her missing leg, and his guilty admission must have made it sound like the sight of it bothered him. He hadn't even noticed her left leg, too entranced by the musculature of the right one.

"I- I really wasn't looking at your leg, Thomasin. I wouldn't- I mean, I wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable…" Which was obviously why he was staring at her thighs and thinking about feeling up his once fiancee…

"Well, I believe that, but what were you looking at then?" 'Shit…!'

"Your skirt. The color. It looks nice on you." The truth in his words made his lie more seamless. The long skirt, which once again covered everything above her ankle, was a pale blue, almost the same shade as the bright spring sky. Her lips twisted into a bitten back grin.

"Thanks." A teasing smirk tugged at her cheeks, revealing a flash of white teeth. "Maybe I should buy you a matching one for your birthday, since you like it so much."

"I'd wear it. It goes with my eyes. But today is about your birthday, sooo..." He opened the bag, pulling out one of the greasy treasures within. "Ta da! It's not a cake, but I didn't want to buy one of those fancy ones with frosting and risk dropping it on the way to Shiganshina. They are far too expensive for that." Thomasin gasped comically, eyes wide and jaw slack, and she looked so silly and unguarded that Erwin couldn't help but grin.

"Is that… a cream bun…?"

"Mm hmm." He waved it tantalizingly in front of her, watching her eyes follow the golden pastry. "I was at the bakery the moment the doors opened, so this is as fresh as it can get." As he handed it to her, pulling out his own, she stared as though she were looking upon the face of God.

"I've never had anything like this before… When I was little, I used to see the local MPs stuffing their faces with this kind of stuff all the time. They always smelled soo good.I used to beg my mom to buy me just one, but she could never afford it…"

"Well, now that you have a job and your pension, you can buy them for yourself." She looked up at him, insulted.

"No way! I'm not wasting a day's pay on dessert."

"You only say that because you've never eaten one. Be careful; they're very delicate. All the cream tends to-" Of course she wasn't listening, practically unhinging her jaw in a way that would have made Hange proud to cram half of the bun in her mouth all at once. And, just as he had tried to warn, the filling began oozing out as the pastry tore. Crying out, Erwin quickly caught it on his fingers before it could fall- that was eight Rose coins worth of sugar and vanilla and cream, and Thomasin was too busy squealing and shaking in delight to notice the near disaster.

"Sooo good! Is this what angel meat tastes like?!" The cream was beginning to melt from the warmth of his hand. He made to lick it off, when a grip like a band of iron closed around his wrist. "That's mine!" Before he could speak, before he could even think, Thomasin pulled his hand closer, closing her mouth over the glob of filling. Erwin wondered how his heart could both stop and spasm as though it were about to explode all at the same time. It wasn't as though she'd put his fingers in her mouth- he could definitely feel the wetness of her mouth as her lips dragged against his skin, though, sucking off as much of the sugar as she could- but that distinction didn't make his pulse any less erratic. Dropping his hand, the young woman glared at him. "You have one, you greedy swine. Don't eat any of mine!"

And with that, she went back to eating as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. Then again, maybe it hadn't. After all, he could see Hange, maybe even Lisa, doing the exact same thing. He'd have pushed them away, disgusted that they'd slobbered all over him, but ultimately found the situation humorous. Not sat there trying to calm the painful fluttering in his chest, pointedly ignoring the way their tongue curled as they scooped the remaining cream from the bun, trying to figure out what to do with his still sticky fingers that he definitely couldn't lick now.

If there's nothing going on, why are you getting so upset…?

"I'm going to go wash my hands…" The river wasn't that far away.

"Okay!" Her voice was cheerful, even through a mouthful of pastry. Maybe because of a mouthful of pastry.

Kneeling on the riverbed, not caring that the damp of the soil was creeping into his pants, Erwin stared down into the cold water flowing past his fingers. Without the ferries stirring it up, the water was clear, enough that he could see silvery glints as little fish darted around the plants and stones of the bottom. He felt much the same way. When there were no distractions, no fear of death or clamor of other peoples' voices, everything became much more clear.

But whereas the world beneath the river looked simple and calm, his own felt more tumultuous than ever. Glaring at his faint reflection, the blonde man viciously slapped at the water's surface, distorting it and sending the fish below swimming away. 'Stop making things complicated. Just be happy with things the way they are…' Inhaling deeply and shaking the remaining drops from his fingers, he made his way back to the blanket, where Thomasin had stretched out with her book, the cups beside her. She glanced up from the pages just long enough to give him a slight grin.

"You took your sweet time. Pissing?"

"In the river?" He pulled a face as he sat.

"Well, where do you think fish piss?"

"I wouldn't appreciate a fish relieving itself in my bed any more than they'd appreciate me doing the same in theirs." She giggled, and the sound crackled through his veins like lightning.

"Oh, I can just imagine you now- 'Excuse me, my fine aquatic friends; would you happen to have suitable amenities where I might relieve myself?' " Groaning, Erwin stretched out beside her, covering his eyes with his arm.

"Stop talking about me urinating; it's weird."

"No, it's not. There's a whole chapter in this book dedicated to pee." She waved it at him, cackling like mad as he retched. Nudging his arm with one of the cups until he took it from her, Thomasin rolled onto her back, laying the open book across her stomach as she looked up at the clouds. "It's funny how we're all so embarrassed by things we can't control. The more natural it is, the less natural it feels, or at least, the less natural we're taught it is. Kids have the right idea; everything humans do is a disgusting joke we should all laugh at."

"Children are twisted deviants; we shouldn't hold them up as an example of anything. When I was in school, we thought sex and kissing were basically the same thing… but everyone also thought that if you kissed someone of the opposite sex, you'd give them the pox. So of course, every day began with children running around trying to kiss each other for a whole year…" The young woman gave a breathy laugh.

"Aw, but that's funny! And cute. So, who did little Erwin run around trying to kiss?"

"No one, because I was terrified of the pox." Christine Wagner almost planted her lips on his cheek, and it had given him nightmares for days…

"You're no fun. I can think of a few people I'd gladly kiss right now if it meant giving them the pox." 'What if it didn't, though…?' Trying to distract himself from his increasingly intrusive thoughts, Erwin took a large gulp of whatever was in the cup he held, realizing after the fact that it could have been poison for all he knew, and almost wishing it was. For poison, it tasted surprisingly sweet, though not sweet enough to mask the underlying sourness of fermentation.

"Is this alcohol?"

"I hope so. It's dandelion wine. I made it myself!" Frowning, he looked out across the plain. There were flowers scatted around, many blue and white, but here and there he noticed little spots of yellow that were either dandelions or buttercups.

"You can make wine from flowers?"

"You can make wine from anything. You just need water and sugar and yeast" He paused mid-sip, sitting up properly to better look at her. He noticed the cup beside her was already empty, a few drops of liquid still clinging to the inside.

"I thought sugar was expensive."

"Oh, you have no idea. Five pounds cost me almost a month's pay. Honey's cheaper, but not by much…" Stretching languidly, Thomasin raised her arms towards the sky, as though she sought to grab one of the clouds drifting lazily above them. "When I bought it, I figured I deserved a treat for making it another year… I wanted to bake a pie, but that sounded hard, so I made this instead…" Smiling and blinking slowly, she rolled over to face Erwin, paying no mind as her book fell closed onto the blanket. "Your birthday's October 15th, right?"

"14th." She hummed, sounding utterly content as her eyes slipped shut.

"That's what I said. Survive that long, and maybe I'll bake you a cake, yeah? With frosting and candles and everything…"

"…I don't want a cake; don't waste your money on me…" He whispered. If she heard him, she was in too good a mood to argue, but as he watched her breathing deepen and slow, it seemed more likely that she had fallen asleep before the words left his tongue. He had dragged her out of bed, admittedly in the middle of the day, but who was he to dictate how she spent her free time?

Throwing back the rest of his "wine", and setting the cups as well as her book back in the basket, Erwin shifted so he could lay face to face with Thomasin. It had been years since he'd allowed himself to just look at her and take in all the little details of her face, but back then, he hadn't appreciated them. The tilt of her nose, the curve of her cheek, the dip of her Cupid's Bow… What had he seen in Marie that Thomasin didn't have? She was beautiful, yes, there was no denying that, but it was the kind of beauty that so many women had, A dime a dozen… Marie would have been a perfect wife for someone who was content to live a peaceful, insipid life in the Interior… but that wasn't him.

How could his heart, which yearned to discover what lay beyond the walls, have ever truly opened to someone who wasn't willing to ride beyond them with him, to bear witness to, and understand the horrors of the world, rather than pretend they didn't exist? Even if it hadn't truly made her happy, Thomasin proved that she would- and could- blaze that trail beside him. The dark woman shifted in her sleep, her right hand settling under her cheek as a pillow while the left lay beside her head, the fingers curled but relaxed. Erwin reached out his own hand, hesitating for a moment before closing his fingers over hers. She touched him all the time, little brushes and pats and nudges that probably meant more to him than they ever would to her.

He slipped his thumb into the cup of her palm, rubbing it against the skin just below her fingers. They were still there, those familiar callouses, built up from years of gripping the handles of the ODM gear. They weren't as thick or rough as the ones on his hands, but they would never revert back to the idealized feminine softness. On her index and middle fingers too, right between the first and second knuckle where they would have pressed against the triggers. Smiling to himself, he let his others fingers gently run over her knuckles, stroking the tendons like harp strings, and feeling a twinge of masculine pride as his hand engulfed hers completely. She was by no means some tiny waif of a woman, but he was large enough to make her seem almost delicate by comparison. She probably wouldn't appreciate that line of thinking.

As he traced over some of the raised scars on her hand, wondering when and where she'd gotten them, a strange mark peeking out from the sleeve of her cardigan caught his eye. It was another scar, a faint line he wouldn't have even noticed if it wasn't raised enough to shine when the setting sun hit it. Frowning, Erwin propped himself up on his arm to get a better look, pulling the sleeve back a little.

What he'd taken for a single scar was actually two, mirroring one another on either side of the bone just below the soft flesh at the base of her thumb. Strange, dotted curves… Teeth marks. Human teeth marks. A dozen questions popped into his mind, none of which he imagined would ever get answered without him also getting popped in the mouth for examining her while she slept like some kind of deranged physician. It probably wasn't anything strange. Maybe a battle scar from a childhood fight… or maybe… from a lover. People left love bites on their partners' necks, right- maybe a wrist was easier to cover up? She always wore long sleeves…

It didn't matter, he told himself, trying to quell the jealous anger that surged inside him at the thought. Thomasin could do whatever she wanted, with whoever she wanted. That was why she was currently laying there with him, the world around them peaceful and quiet, as though they were the only two people left within it. That thought calmed him, but before he laid back down to enjoy his last few moments of selfish, uncomplicated happiness for a while, he lowered himself, holding his breath as he watched Thomasin's chest rise and fall, making sure she hadn't woken without him noticing. No, she was still resting just as easily as before. Keeping his pale gaze on her face, waiting for any sign that something was amiss, Erwin pressed his lips against the mark on her wrist, barely brushing them over her pulse point to ease away whatever memory of pain still lingered.

000000000

Beyond the walls, the world was in bloom, bursting with new life everywhere one looked. Flowers in every color imaginable painted the rolling fields, and every tree they rode past rang with the cries of baby birds. It was a dark joke, how easily nature could thrive in this world that carried death for humanity around every corner.

"Six meter, five o'clock!" Several heads turned as one as they cursed aloud, some in fear, others in anger.

"Shit, who's saddled up?" Gerwalt dropped the feed bag he was holding, locking blades into his ODM handles. They'd been riding for a little over four hours and were on their second break. If their destination was as close as the forest, they could have ridden without stop, but given that they had at least another four hours of riding ahead of them, they had to ensure their horses would have the strength needed for that final push.

"I am." Erwin already had his foot in the stirrups, pulling himself into the saddle as he tried to roughly gauge the approaching Titan's gait. It wasn't an Abnormal, thank god, but the way its head spasmed would make getting a clean shot at its nape all the harder. They'd have to bring it down first. "Cecile, Hange- with me!"

"Yes sir!" They both dropped the rations they had been eating, mounting and locking their own blades in place with the efficiency of machines.

"What are we doing, Captain?" Cecile pulled up beside him, hazel eyes studying the Titan's movements as well.

"Take out its' knees; I want that thing grounded."

"Uhh, should we really be going for the knees, Captain?" Hange's curved nose wrinkled in disgust as they took in the creature. "Its arms are kind of long. What if it grabs us?" They had a point. Whereas a human's arms only reached around mid-thigh, this humanoid abomination's fingers nearly brushed its calves with every careless swing.

"I'll take out its hands. Start on the left. Cecile, one side!"

"Got it!" The older woman broke off from the small group, veering in front of the Titan to serve as a decoy. It took the bait gladly, lumbering after this meal that wandered right into its path. Stepping onto his saddle, Erwin watched the massive hand swing forward, everything else in the world falling away, unimportant, as he waited for exactly the right moment.

One might have thought he'd squeezed his triggers too early, grappling hooks sinking deep into the meat of the Titan's forearm while it was still several meters away from its quarry, but by the time the cables pulled him in, those massive fingers were close enough that Cecile had to swerve to avoid them crushing her as the entire hand fell to the ground, the stump that was left raining scalding blood onto the grass. He could hear Hange's battle cry behind him, but had no time to ensure they struck true as another hand swung over, ignoring the still mounted human riding to its other side.

Slicing off the tips of the fingers as they drew closer, Erwin let his cables do the work as they drew him towards the newly deployed hooks, dragging his blades through the gaps between the Titan's fingers. The ultra-hardened steel carved effortlessly through whatever tendons and muscles were in their way, leaving the four meter arm dangling uselessly as Cecile carved out the back of its right knee. It hit the ground hard enough to send dust and clumps of earth flying, adding to the thick steam that rose from its injuries, further decreasing visibility.

Even grounded, the creature continued spasming, trying to lift itself up with its useless hands. They were quickly regenerating, but the blonde captain wouldn't give this monstrosity the chance to make itself more dangerous than it was. Swinging behind it, he launched his hooks into the back of its skull. There was not a hint of wasted momentum, the familiar bite of leather digging into his insoles as he twisted to rake both blades across the Titan's nape. No sooner than it went limp did he land back on solid ground.

"Ahhhh, that was so cool, Captain!" Hange squealed, riding up to hand him his own steed's reins. "When are you gonna teach me how to subjugate Titans that efficiently?!" Alighting once more, Erwin took a moment to catch his breath, wiping his brow with his jacket's sleeve, the already abrasive fabric made more so by the still uncomfortably hot blood soaking it.

"I can't teach you utility of movement, Hange. That's something you need to learn yourself." They began riding back towards the others, who were now packing up, getting ready for the next leg of their journey. "Though I will say you waste an awful lot of energy screaming."

"I'm not 'wasting energy'- I'm psyching myself up!"

"Maybe learn to do that without opening your mouth," Cecile deadpanned. "Otherwise, you're gonna get a mouthful of Titan steam one of these days, and that's the second worst place to get a blast of steam."

"Huh? Where's the first?"

"Trust me; you don't want to know."

"I do, though!" The rest of the corps had already set off in a staggered formation, leaving them to catch up with the rearguard.

"You're being awfully proactive today, Smith," Gerwalt noted, handing Erwin a water skin. "That's your fourth kill already. Pace yourself, man." Lisa rode up beside him, looking like the Devil itself with that wicked grin curling her lips.

"He's missing his girlfriend's birthday for this- he's gotta take his frustration out on something. Ahh, young love…" She sighed, cackling like mad as Erwin swung the water skin at her, missing by a mile.

"Mike, keep your squad in check. They don't need to break formation to irritate me."

"He's right. Lowell, Beck- get back in your positions. You can mock Smith from there." His former squad mates both made kissing noises as they fell back.

He rolled his eyes, but said nothing, keeping his focus on the squads in front of him. It was hard to be upset with his old friends mockery, in part because they were right on both counts, but also because he knew they were trying to lighten the mood. They were still four kilometers from their destination, and already they'd lost nine soldiers. It was bright and sunny, and the Titans were out in full force. Only killing four when they'd encountered well over a dozen at that point seemed like a joke.

~o0o~

"There! I see it! Fifty meters ahead!" The last vestiges of sunlight outlined the ruined castle in a golden halo. About two kilometers beyond their last supply cache stood the Survey Corps' new "base", little more than a pile of ancient stones on a hill.

"I can't believe this thing's still standing…" Frey whispered reverently, earning a slight scoff from Cecile.

" 'Standing' is a bit of a stretch. Those walls look like they'll fall apart if a Titan sneezes on them."

"It needs work, but it's a decent enough home away from home." Horace yawned widely. "As long as there's a dry corner for me to sleep in, I won't complain."

"Who do you think built it?" Erwin mused aloud, his own exhaustion forgotten as that same sense of amazement he'd felt all those years ago when he stood atop Wall Maria came flooding back. Despite their sorry condition, the ruins were massive, covering more area than their barracks in very thought of the answers those ancient stones might hold made his skin prickle with excitement.

Their vantage point on high ground would definitely aide in spotting Titans quickly, but the lack of any structures suitable for vertical maneuvering meant that, once they were spotted, they'd have to be fought on level ground.

"Damn, I wish we had canons," Hange grumbled as they hitched their horse in the area of the courtyard they'd designated makeshift stables. "They might not do much good on the walls, but they can sure as hell blow off a Titan's legs here."

"Do you know how heavy canons are? We'd have to bring them one at a time, and probably assemble them ourselves. Don't we have enough work without that?" They all had duties to quickly secure this new stronghold- caring for the horses, unloading supplies, checking the castle's structural integrity… Squads Twelve and Thirteen were tasked with the latter. Not ensuring the one remaining tower didn't collapse on them, oh no- that would be far too easy. They were tasked with scouting the interior, so if it collapsed, they would be the first to know.

"Shadis is crazy," Gerwalt groaned as he furiously batted away the ancient, dust-covered cobwebs that served as ineffective barriers in the corridor they walked down. It would have been easier to burn them away, but a quick glance up revealed wooden rafters amidst the stone, black with damp and age. "Sending the two best Scouts in Survey Corps history to test for ancient death traps. He should be doing this shit, not us!"

They reached a door that had swelled shut from decades, if not centuries of humidity, the thick iron hinges so caked in rust they didn't even budge. Gently moving the others aside, Mike paused before the door for a split second before kicking it twice. At first, it seemed like nothing had happened, until the giant man casually push the door open… revealing he'd snapped the hinges off. The door fell into the adjacent room, kicking up a cloud of dust they unfortunately had to walk through.

"…okay, that's why Shadis sent you in, I'll give him that…"

"Why didn't you just break the wood?" Nanaba, the young blonde woman on Mike's team, asked incredulously. The captain sniffed, bending down and picking the door up, fitting it back into its frame almost perfectly.

"Maybe people want some privacy. Can't have that if I go kicking holes in all the doors." As he straightened, Lisa sauntered over, practically fusing herself to his side.

"Everybody, huddle up around the Captain; if this place falls on our heads, his crazy Titan strength is gonna be the only thing that saves us."

"I will use all of you as human shields." A shrill whistle left them all cringing, covering their ears. Erwin lowered his fingers, tapping his foot impatiently as he stood beside another open door, though this one remained on its' hinges- it, thankfully, was not nearly as heavy. His torch set shadows dancing along the walls of the long corridor.

"Can you all learn to speak while walking? The night grows apace, and we've barely examined any of these rooms."

"And that's why Shadis sent you in here- to be a goddamn wet blanket."

"Fuckin' nag…"

"You suck, Smith."

"You know I outrank you all. I can easily set you all on second watch." His bluff was met by a chorus of "boos" and downward pointed thumbs. "Your 'boos' do not intimidate me; I know for a fact that most of you aren't ghosts." Turning on his heel, he continued walking, judging correctly that prudence would win out over a need to be contrary and his companions would follow him.

Aside from the fact that the stones were far older, and a strange, mottled red unlike the dull gray of most of the stones within the walls, the masonry of this ancient castle wouldn't have looked out of place in a church somewhere in Wall Rose. So it seemed unlikely that this structure had been built by a different culture, or even by that ancient of a people. It may well have been built by their own ancestors, prior to or shortly after the Titans came into being. Were the descendants of the family this hold belonged to living within the walls, or had the first generation been torn apart by Titans as they cowered behind these walls? Erwin could have happily wandered those strange halls for days, perfectly content with no company save his own thoughts, but there was no time for that. They had to ensure that the interior was sound enough for their forces to sleep in… and when everyone was settled in, then perhaps he could explore.

The main hall of the castle was the largest single room they could find above ground- there was a cellar of sorts, but it was flooded, and nobody wanted to test those dark, oily waters. A portcullis was rusted in place halfway down, and no amount of tugging and pulling, even with all their weight combined, could make it descend, so all they could do was leave it as-is and pray that it wouldn't suddenly drop on someone's neck. They scanned the walls for abnormally large cracks or loose stones, and surprisingly found few of either. Setting their torch in an equally rusted wall sconce, Hange leaned against an archway.

"Despite the dust and mold and bugs and plague rats, this place is in pretty good shape. I wonder how many more castles like this there are beyond here?"

"Hopefully a decent few," Horace yawned again, lowering himself to the ground, his eyes falling closed as he yawned a third time. "This is the kind of base we need. An actual watchtower, some canons… We could make this place a proper homestead…"

"Aww, I think someone's sleep talking," Cecile chimed, trying to stifle a yawn of her own. "This room looks fine, and there's enough space here for most of us to sleep. I'm gonna go report to the commander. Who's coming with me?"

"Me and Lisa," Mike had to duck to keep the rusted points of the gate from impaling him. "Gerwalt, you and Nanaba stake out a place for us to sleep. Somewhere in a corner- I don't need these idiots tripping over my legs every time they get up to piss."

"Smallen your legs up, then, you sentient tree…" Gerwalt muttered under his breath.

Night had truly fallen by the time everyone settled in, those on first watch stationed atop the castle's roof and around the perimeter, armed with sound grenades that hopefully wouldn't trigger a cave-in. The only supplies that had been unloaded were the rations, and only because, so far beyond the walls, Titans weren't the only creatures they had to fear.

Wolves, bears and mountain cats that stalked their prey in the woods weren't commonly seen by the Survey Corps, but there had been enough credible reports of them to know they existed. It was likely they never approached the soldiers because, like their counterparts within the walls, they hunted mostly at night, and the Scouts made an effort to return to their cage before the sun set. But tonight, everything was different, and they wanted to take no unnecessary risks, going so far as to unearth ancient rifles from their supply closets, "just in case".

They'd swept the floors as best they could before laying down their "bedding", otherwise known as the thinnest blankets money could buy (understandably so- no matter how thin something was, over two hundred of it would weigh quite a bit), but that didn't make the unyielding stone anymore comfortable.

"Ugh, I will never complain about the mattresses in the barracks again," Frey moaned, shifting in a vain attempt to find a comfortable position. There wasn't one. They had to sleep in uniform, belts and all (thankfully, they were permitted to remove their ODM gear) in case of a Titan attack, and while the thick, stiff fabric served them well, protecting them from abrasions and Titan blood, it was the most uncomfortable clothing one could ever sleep in. "I could have been an MP… Could you imagine the MPs doing this?"

"The Military Police couldn't live the way we do inside the walls, much less outside them," Cecile scoffed, punching the sack filled with her change of clothes as though that would make it easier to lay her head upon (it would not). "Imagine those pompous pricks eating the slop we call 'food'. They'd be eating the barrels of their guns in a week."

"That's dark, Cecile," Erwin chided.

"It's true! I know you graduated the top of your class, but how many of the other west Top Ten went to the MP Brigade?"

"Eight," he admitted. The older woman nodded sagely.

"And how many of them do you think would have survived a single mission in the Survey Corps? Be honest." He sighed, running a hand through his hair as he stared up at the ceiling. It wasn't that his fellow cadets hadn't been strong or skilled enough to make it with the Survey Corps- Nile had been second only to him, after all, and if he hadn't pushed himself so hard in his final year, the brunette man may well have graduated first in their class. No, he didn't doubt their abilities… he doubted their hearts. Their first instinct had been to run away to the Interior. Even Nile, who had vowed to join the Survey Corps with him, eventually came to the conclusion that his life mattered too much to throw it away chasing some fool's hope.

"None," he whispered. "But if I'm being honest, I'm surprised I survived my first expedition. Even my second. It really feels like I should have died back then…"

"I never expected you to think like that, Captain." Hange rolled onto their stomach, resting their chin on their arms, glasses pushed up to their forehead. They squinted slightly at Erwin, and he wondered if it was a reflex of being deep in thought, or if they just couldn't see him without their lenses.

"Why not?"

"I dunno. You just seem so… calm and in control. Utterly perfect, like nothing fazes you… at least, when it comes to Scout stuff. In your personal life, you seem like kind of a neurotic mess." They smiled warmly. "It's both cute and kind of scary that you can go from stuttering and hiding from a girl you like, to barking out orders and not batting an eye as your comrades die around you. …how do you do it?" Their voice lowered, growing serious, almost desperate.

"…well, first of all, there's no 'girl I like'-" He wasn't sure why he was even keeping up this lie. Maybe for the sense of normality it brought. "-but I suppose I just don't think about things when they don't affect me. When my comrades are dying, that isn't the time to be thinking about getting a drink or what I'm going to have for dinner. Likewise, when I'm speaking to you now, as friends rather than captain and subordinate, it isn't the time to be dwelling on the looming spectre of death."

"So you're one of those crazy people who compartmentalizes their life?" A familiar voice called from the other side of the crates that served as a partition. Erwin frowned, kicking them and feeling a twinge of satisfaction as a pained grunt reached him.

"I wouldn't call myself 'crazy', but yes."

"That's exactly what a crazed, hand-eating serial killer would say…" Another familiar voice mumbled.

"Stop eavesdropping."

"I'm not trying to," Lisa moaned. "I just heard you talking shit about a girl you like, and my ears canceled out all the other noise in the room!"

"I didn't say anything about Thomasin."

"You said 'there's no girl I like', but it's nice that you finally admit who it is." He kicked the crates again, harder this time.

"Go to sleep. You know you have third watch." He closed his eyes, trying to ignore the snickers from the other squad, the eyes of his own squad mates on him, and the flush that was steadily creeping up to his ears.

"You really are cute, Captain…" Frey whispered sotto voce.

"I will murder all of you and eat your hands. Don't think I'm not capable of that."

~o0o~

It would have been a lie to say they were "rested" the following morning; if the yawns and dark circles under their eyes didn't give away how tired they truly were, the sheer number of Scouts falling asleep with food in their mouths would have. Even if they'd all been given beds with feather mattresses and the softest duvets, none of them would have slept a wink. Every whistle of wind blowing through some crack, every groan of ancient masonry, had them jolting awake and reaching for their gear. Finally being called to change watch came as a relief. The moon and stars had been exceptionally bright, with nary a cloud in the sky, affording them excellent visibility. It was well known that Titans slept at night just as humans did, but thankfully, none of the other creatures inhabiting these lands decided they were worth the effort either, letting their first night away from the safety of the walls go by in peace.

With the sun rising just high enough to paint the clouds closest to the horizon a dusky pink, the Scouts finished unloading their supplies, bringing them in as far out of any potential weather as possible. It was unknown how long it would be before they returned, and the last thing they needed was to find their hoses rotted from the sun, or their nails rusted from rain. Hopefully, it would only take a few months before they received funding for another expedition, and they would be able to construct their watchtowers then, maybe even fortify the walls.

As they folded the tarps and ropes that held their cargo in place, the commander approached one of the section commanders, speaking in a low voice. The other man muttered something and Shadis nodded, looking no less grim so close on the heels of a successful mission than he did on all those that fell through. Maybe he didn't want to risk jinxing their return, or else, perhaps he'd just forsaken the poison fruit that was hope. It was hard to be disappointed when you expected nothing, after all.

"Alright, saddle up, Scouts! I want us ready to ride in ten! We need to make it at least a third of the way back before the sun rises fully!"

"Sir!" The thump that followed wasn't as loud as it should have been, many of the soldiers arms raising to stifle yawns rather than salute.

"Ooooh, I'm so tired…!" Cecile moaned, leaning her head forward against her horse's neck. The bay turned its head to snuffle her hair affectionately.

"C'mon, Davies." Horace just finished adjusting his tack and reached over, grabbing one of the other woman's braids and tugging it like a bell pull. "Eight more hours, and you'll be sleeping in your own bed. We'll be back at HQ before noon."

"Assuming everything goes well." The yawning was contagious, and try as he might, Erwin couldn't bite back his own. "We're all exhausted; this is going to kill our reflexes." The older man frowned, visibly confused.

"How are you all so tired? What, did you spend all night gossiping like fishwives instead of sleeping?" Hange's glare would have been more effective had the dark bags beneath their eyes not made it look like they'd suffered two shiners.

"Some of us had to help unload supplies, Müller. I'm glad all that racket didn't cut into your beauty sleep!"

"So am I. Be grateful at least one of us is well rested enough to save all your sorry hides from the Titans."

~o0o~

As they all mounted and took their positions in the convoy, the sun had finally crested the horizon, effectively blinding them.

"Dammit, this is hell," Mike muttered, raising a hand that was large enough to cast his whole face in shadow. The rest of them were not so lucky. "This is my penance for ignoring that girl I fucked in the supply closet when we were trainees…" Nanaba rolled her eyes.

"Please get a grip, Captain. It's too early to start confessing your sins."

"Yeah, confess them when we get back to base. I wanna hear about this!" Gerwalt chuckled. They were making good time, the end of a familiar forest coming into view, but as the sun steadily climbed higher, drying out the dew that glistened on the grass and rousing nature from its rest, so too were the Titans being roused.

"Four meter, on our six!"

"Shit! You think we can outrun it?"

"Maybe, but we need to-!" Whatever they needed to do in that moment was chased from their minds by screams of terror as the earth shook.

A horde of Titans, the smallest of them no less than five meters, were charging from the forest. If these things were capable of intelligent thought, one might have assumed the one from behind was attempting to herd them towards its fellows. The ambling gait of the largest one, some sixteen-meter monstrosity, looked deceptively slow from a distance. A dozen Scouts leapt from their saddles, deploying their ODM gear and swinging forth. They were not individuals, but workers protecting a hive, the Wings of Freedom emblazoned on their cloaks flapping as they threw caution to the wind, aiming for fingers and eyes to make the killing blow a little easier.

A six meter head whipped around with frightening speed, lips pulled back from inflamed gums as teeth long as a man's forearm snapped. One of the bodies spasmed for a moment before going still forever. Erwin tore his eyes away from the severed legs, looking ahead. Keep riding; their brothers and sisters were dying to give them this chance, not for them to look back and-

"AHHH!" A panicked, feminine scream tore through the air. One of the smaller Titans forsook the constraints of its human form, dropping to all fours and scurrying towards the convoy like a deranged spider. It swiped at the riders nearest, not caring what it caught. Their horses were quick enough that the slightest tug on the reins steered them clear of the filthy hand, but a single finger clipping a hindquarter was all it took to knock one of the roans down. It landed atop its rider, the young woman from Mike's squad. The pain of her undoubtedly broken leg was an afterthought, blade in hand, swinging desperately at the fingers that reached out to pluck her like a berry. Mike's roar was bestial, a bear protecting his cubs, a whirlwind of destruction as he carved the offending hand in twain. Retracting the hooks, he aimed them further up, but was interrupted by a frantic Lisa.

"Help Gerwalt! He can't lift that horse on his own. I've got this fucker!" Were it just a single Titan there would have been no cause for concern, but with seven still active, having torn most of the initial wave of Scouts apart, it was more than a single soldier could be expected to keep track of. Four of the Titans continued after the convoy, appetites not yet sated by the fresh blood dripping from their lips and hands. The remaining three stumbled after more sedentary prey. Clenching his jaw, Erwin turned his horse around, unholstering his ODM handles and locking their blades in place.

"Captain, what are you-?!"

"Horace, Cecile, Hange, keep up with the convoy! Frey, guard Mike's squad!" Their hesitation lasted just long enough for them to inhale.

"Yes sir!"

Leaping from his saddle the moment his hooks found purchase, the blonde man severed the rising hand at the wrist before it could reach Lisa. She'd been going for its eyes, but as soon as she saw her old teammate, she deployed another hook, swinging around to its back. The momentum he'd already built launched him at the Titan's face before it could blink, a guttural roar ringing in Erwin's skull as he sliced through both eyes, cutting out a chunk of cartilage from the bridge of its nose in his haste. Without leaving a blade in the gelatinous orbs, their eyes regenerated in a matter of seconds, but those seconds were all he was trying to buy. Knowing the older woman would not miss her mark, he directed his attention to the twelve and eight meters coming up fast behind them.

"Big or little?" Lisa asked, tossing a broken blade aside as she readied a new one.

"Big. The other one can't reach its' nape."

"Psh, let's hope." They launched in unison, each taking a different side of the Titan.

Whereas Erwin severed the tendons of the arm as it reached for him, trying to neutralize the threat as effectively as possible, Lisa deftly avoided the hand that swung at her, only bothering to slice through fingers if they got too close. Were she fighting alone, she would have been more cautious, he knew from experience, but she trusted him to keep an eye out for her. Which he did, catching the way the smaller Titan crouched, its glassy eyes trained on the woman swinging around to the larger creature's back. How many times had he seen them spring up, higher than something that size should ever have been able to jump, all the way to the lowest branches of the tallest trees? William, snapped up out of nowhere, leaving only an arm behind…

From behind him, Mike's deep voice called out, telling them to get back, but they couldn't flee that easily with two Titans on their tails. His hooks sank deep into the smaller Titan's skull, cables reeling him in as it sprang up to meet him. The quickest kill he'd ever managed, paring a slice of flesh out in mere seconds. It went limp in the air, colliding with the other Titan's back, sending it stumbling and jerking Lisa's wires just enough for her to miss her mark. The fingers had grown back on its left hand, and they wrapped around her. Somehow, her scream wasn't as loud as the sound of bones cracking.

For the first time in years, Erwin's mind went blank. He couldn't cut her loose, he was on the opposite side, but he could kill it. It was moving so slowly, bringing the still struggling, screaming body to its already bloody mouth. Gasping as his mind caught up to his body, the blonde man twisted, deploying his hooks and cursing as they sank in lower than he'd aimed. It was fine, though- he'd just have to overshoot his mark. The wind rushing past his ears and his own heart thundering in his chest should have drowned out Lisa's piercing shrieks.

"Oh god, no! Please no!"

The weak spot was right there.

"Mama! Mama, help me!"

He drove his blades deep into the wall of flesh.

"Mama—!"

He cut it out, a far larger chunk than was necessary. Blood and steam cascaded over him like fire, but he barely noticed his own burning flesh. It had bitten Lisa before he killed it, the crunch of bones was unmistakable, but that was fine- he'd pulled Thomasin out of a Titan's skull, and she was still alive and well. Swinging around its massive head, he pulled his fellow Scout from the now limp hand, trying his best to hold onto her without exacerbating her injuries. There was a lot of blood.

"Don't worry, Lisa- I've got you." She didn't respond. She was probably going into shock. There was a lot of blood. Erwin's horse was already waiting for him, and he thanked it gratefully as he mounted, holding his reins with one hand and the unconscious soldier in his lap with the other. The others were already riding, but it didn't take long for him to catch up. Gerwalt noticed him first.

"Erwin, what-" His eyes widened in horror. "Lisa…"

"Where's the medic wagon?"

"Near the… middle… Erwin—"

"I can't talk!" He snapped at Frey. "She needs a medic before she bleeds out!" Pressing his heels harder to his horse's sides, the captain rode past them, faster than he would have if a Titan were on his tail. "Don't worry, Lisa. You'll be fine."

It was just like it had been, what, five, six years ago? But this time, he wasn't a frightened child only thinking about what his comrades' deaths might mean for him. He was a captain now, his one duty to protect his subordinates. All of them. He breathed a sigh of relief as the only wagon still carrying supplies came into view. Pulling up beside its driver, he called out to the other captain.

"Ramirez! We have to stop! Lowell's badly injured!" The bespectacled man looked over, his concern and fear quickly giving way to miserable resignation.

"She's already gone, Smith."

"No, she's not!" The blood seeping into his clothes was still warm, the green eyes that always sparkled with a devious mirth were still open, still looking up at him. "We can save her! We just-"

"She's dead. Drop her. There are still Titans around; you don't need to be carrying that extra weight." The hand gripping her shoulders tightened on instinct. No. He was wrong. He was wrong…

They rode for twenty more minutes before the surrounding Titans were too far away to see without a scope. They could have pushed on and ridden straight to the wall, but the injured needed to be treated. Lisa laid on the same stretcher as the rest of the injured soldiers, but Erwin watched mutely as a sheet was pulled over her, finally breaking her unblinking gaze. He still firmly believed that if they'd stopped sooner, she would be alive. Her blood had been so hot as it poured from the missing flesh of her hip and stomach; maybe if less of it had soaked into his uniform, she'd still be cackling at him.

Gerwalt was taking out all of their frustration on one of the small trees nearby, kicking and punching it until he'd stripped away almost all the thin bark on one side, and probably most of the skin on his knuckles as well. The younger woman sobbed as Mike helped another soldier load her into the wagon with the rest of the injured.

"It's my fault… This is all my fault!" She blubbered, her voice so thick with tears it was barely comprehensible. "Why did you stop for me?! You should have just left me to die…!" Her captain gripped her jaw just firmly enough to shut her up, though given that his hand could have easily covered the young woman's entire face, it was a wonder he didn't rip it off, even accidentally.

"Don't make this about you, Nanaba. When you act as though your life isn't worth the sacrifice your comrades make, you're spitting on their memory. I won't tolerate that." Withdrawing his hand, Mike trudged back over to his horse, his head hung low as he pretended to check his tack.

Erwin felt like an intruder on their grief. He wasn't a part of this team anymore. He should have been with his own squad, making sure the blow to the head Hange took wasn't serious, praising Cecile and Horace for taking down a fifteen-meter before it could destroy their wagons, apologizing to Frey for having to take that four-meter out on his own because he was too busy trying to bring back a corpse to assuage his own guilt… But he didn't do any of that. He just watched the other soldiers load a single whole body onto a wagon, alongside the individually wrapped arms and legs they'd managed to collect. Grim mementos for grieving families. A warm breeze chilled the still damp blood drenching him.

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Erwin kept his cloak pulled tightly around him as they rode back to headquarters. They tried to shelter the civilians from the magnitude of death they brought back into the walls, wrapping up bodies and severed limbs and gruesome injuries. There were almost always children watching their procession for whatever reason, maybe in awe of those madmen who willingly left their safe-haven. He could only imagine what nightmares would result if they saw him, his white uniform dyed a repugnant rust red from belly to knee. He could spare them the sight, but the smell of blood clung to him so heavily, he could taste it. The sun was high in the sky when they finally returned to headquarters and finished unloading everything and rubbing down their horses.

A good handful of the soldiers went off to seek out a tavern, Mike amongst them. Most, however, returned to their dormitories, whatever lingering adrenaline that kept them going utterly exhausted by this point. Erwin was of a mind to join them, but in that moment, the one thing he needed more than rest was a shower. He cursed whoever decided that ranking officers' quarters needed to be on the third floor, his legs jelly by the time he stepped into his bathroom. It was tiny, little more than a tile closet with a toilet, sink and semi-partitioned "stall" for a shower, but it was private, and that was the only thing that mattered. He couldn't have tolerated feeling anyone else's eyes on him as he stripped down, his clothes so encrusted with dried blood that they were stiff to the touch.

He set his cloak, jacket, boots and belts to one side, tossing everything else in the corner. There was no point in washing them; they would never come out clean. Best to burn them and put in a request for a new uniform. Stepping into the shower, he cranked the knob for hot water all the way, sucking in a breath through his teeth as an icy spray hit him. His skin was dingy red where Lisa had laid against him, the fine blonde hairs on his stomach and thighs tinted crimson. Water alone did nothing to wash away the dried blood that clung to him. He'd have to scrub it off, touch it…

Doubling over, he retched, the quickly warming water running down his face still not as hot as the bile splashing over his feet before circling the drain. Bracing himself against the slick tiles, he heaved again and again until he was empty, his body aching nearly as much as his heart. The water had grown uncomfortably hot, pricking his skin like thousands of little knives, the steam making it hard to breathe, but Erwin made no attempt to turn it down. He'd hoped the physical discomfort would serve as a distraction to help silence his racing thoughts, but it was a poor one. At the very least, the scalding water dripping into his eyes made it easier to pretend he wasn't crying.

~o0o~

The day passed by in a haze, somehow impossibly slow and all too quick at once. Changing into his spare, now main, uniform, Erwin tried to focus on any of the paperwork that had begun piling up on his desk. Equipment logs from their last expedition, his squads' physicals that he needed to sign off on, he'd have to put in that uniform request eventually… But try as he might to make himself put pen to paper and write something, even something as simple as his signature, he found himself just staring blankly at the pages, his mind miles away, back beyond Wall Maria. He hadn't even realized the sun was setting until he couldn't read the words in front of him no matter how many times he blinked.

Distantly, he knew his teammates had come by earlier; he'd heard their voices, muffled by the door, surprised Hange had enough tact not to burst in. They'd probably asked him to join them in the mess hall, but he couldn't have forced a single bite of food down his throat even if he wanted to. His stomach had been growling something fierce a few hours ago, but he ignored it until it stopped. It wasn't hunger that gnawed at him, not a hunger for food, at any rate. A craving, so powerful he felt it in his bones, for comfort. For affection. For warmth. When he wasn't thinking about how he could have easily killed that Titan sooner if he'd just used more gas, his mind was tempting him to leave and take the ferry to Shiganshina.

Thomasin wouldn't turn him away. She'd take one look at his pathetic self and know. She'd let him lay down on her bed that was too small but so much more comfortable than his own, and hold his hand, offering him a soft "I'm sorry," but not saying any more because she knew, knew his pain because it had been her own. And maybe, if he asked, pleaded like the pitiful child he was, she'd lay down beside him. That was what he wanted more than anything, a warm body pressed against his, smelling softly of sweet flowers and dried herbs to fully wash away the stench of blood… 'You disgusting piece of shit; you're disgusting, you know that? She's not some whore whose bed you can share whenever you're upset…' Erwin got to his feet, grabbing his wallet and blowing out his lamp. His thoughts grew no less loathsome as he locked his door behind him.

~o0o~

The first thing he noticed as he opened the jingling door was just how strong the smell of smoke was. Acrid tobacco and pungent opioine and sickly sweet incense combined in a heady cocktail that made him dizzy. He wondered if that was intentional. It filled the room, softening the already shaded lamps and giving everything a dream-like haze… or maybe that was just because his heart was pounding so fast he sincerely worried he might pass out.

"Hey." A harsh voice from beside him, like gravel, nearly had the young man jump out of his skin. He hadn't even noticed the short desk, nor the man who sat behind it, a thick cigar clenched between his teeth. Well, that was the source of at least some of the smoke. "New here?" Swallowing, but still unable to speak, Erwin nodded weakly. "It's two Sinas for an hour."

He could have easily just turned and left- his foot was still in the door frame- but instead he reached into his wallet, pulling out two of the tarnished iron coins stamped with Sina's visage. Unable to bring himself to make eye contact with the man whom he assumed was the proprietor of this… establishment, he set them on the desk. He could hear them clinking as they were snatched up, the smoky haze growing thicker as the man exhaled deeply.

"Those're our available girls. Take your pick." Erwin's stomach sank. He could still leave; he didn't even care about his money, a small price to pay for a lesson learned. But what would he do then? Head to a tavern to either drown his misery in solitude, or else, try and seek out a familiar face? Return to headquarters to tolerate his squad repeating the same platitudes ad nauseum because their language just didn't have the right words for this situation? Or just go back to his quarters and try to sleep, staring at the empty side of his bed and dwelling on just how lonely and miserable his life felt sometimes?

Instead, he stepped forward, trying to work up his nerve. Hange had said it was "cute" (and kind of scary) that his confidence as a Survey Corpsman didn't carry over to civilian life, but honestly, it was just pathetic. He could stare a fifteen meter Titan in the eye, not flinch as it reached for him, but he couldn't meet the gazes of women who were being paid to sleep with him. Maybe it was just because, for as massive and deadly as Titans were, there was nothing behind their eyes. Hunger, obviously, but no loathing. No disgust. No judgment. They were predators staring down their prey. Did a wolf judge a lamb before the slaughter? He liked to think not.

Inhaling deeply (and fighting to hold back the resulting cough), he lifted his gaze to the women before him. There were eight of them, stretched out over the couches and chairs like very large cats. They had been whispering amongst themselves, but noticing that they'd finally gotten the attention of a potential customer, fell silent, instead focusing on making themselves as alluring as possible. They were all attractive in their own way, the filmy "dresses" they wore little more than sheets knotted in such a way as to just barely give the veneer of decency. Blonde and red and sandy brown hair was coiled around fingers as blue and green and hazel eyes winked at him.

Any of them would have been fine for what he wanted, but nothing appealed to him until, from the corner of his eye, he noticed thick, dark hair pooling around exposed shoulders. His heart leapt into his throat for only a second, because when he turned to look at the woman properly, of course she didn't look the same. Her hair was straight, her skin milky pale… but her eyes were dark brown, and so was her hair. Close enough. He pointed at her, and her lips (too thin, but what did he care?) curled into a smile as she languidly rose to her feet, stretching in a way that pulled her sheer dress taut across her nipples. She was short. Really short. Sauntering up to Erwin, she ran a finger along his jaw, stopping at the soft flesh just under his chin. She barely came up to his chest.

"Mmm, this way, soldier~" She led him down a hall lined with wallpaper stained with years of smoke, and doors that were all closed tight. Even so, he could still hear the voices from within them. Pushing open the only door that was already cracked, she stepped inside, waiting for her "guest" before locking the door behind her.

The room was small, most of the space taken up by a bed in the middle, though a decently large leather chair faced it. There were no windows, a table and wash basin against the wall where a window might have been, which was probably why the stench of opioine (as well as... other things) was so nauseatingly strong. Though, he supposed, if one wanted to get high on semi-legal substances, that was the best way to do it. He'd almost forgotten he wasn't alone until a bold hand stroked his thigh, squeezing the thick muscles. Erwin recoiled from her touch, but if his host was insulted, she didn't let on, laughing in a way that he couldn't distinguish from sincere or practiced to perfection.

"Don't be scared; I'm not a Titan. I won't eat you up… unless you want that~" He turned away, wondering what kind of demented person would think bringing up being eaten by Titans was an appropriate thing to say to a Scout. She seemed to mistake his aversion for something else. "Aw, don't be embarrassed, honey. You're hardly the first Scout to come in here after a failed mission, and you won't be the last. I get it; you need something to take your mind off all those bad things beyond the wall…" She reached up, slowly undoing the button nearest his throat. "Don't worry. I'll make you feelallbetter…" As she reached the second button, his hand came up to grab hers, his grip loose enough that she could pull away easily, but keeping her from touching him any further.

"No. I don't want… that." A carefully plucked eyebrow rose. When she spoke this time, the sultry voice was dropped for a normal, albeit somewhat exasperated tone that, honestly, he preferred.

"Well, what do you want? There's no refunds here, y'know." Despite his clear discomfort, Erwin had managed to keep his expression in check since leaving the base, but his nerves finally got the better of him as he felt the familiar heat of shame and embarrassment bloom under his skin.

"I… I just… want…" Shutting his eyes, he swallowed hard. "…can I just lay down here for a while?" He kept his eyes closed tight, knowing he wouldn't be able to stomach whatever mockery was being directed at him. To his surprise, when the woman spoke, her voice was quiet, gentle.

"Sure, honey. Believe it or not, you're not the first Scout to ask for that, either." He didn't know if she was telling the truth, but he didn't care. As she walked to the far side of the bed, he removed his boots and jacket, hanging the latter on the doorknob. The bed was soft enough that it sank under his weight when he sat.

Laying on his side, Erwin curled into himself, stiffening as a tiny hand caressed his bicep, though he relaxed as the woman behind him shushed and soothed him. Her hand remained on his arm, occasionally slipping down to his back, but only to rub the tense muscles coiled over his shoulder blade. Slowly, he let his eyes slip half shut, trying to imagine that the pillow beneath his cheek smelled like chamomile and cheap laundry soap, and that there were bundles of dried herbs hanging from the walls. It was easier than he'd expected, and he vaguely wondered if his breathing had deepened because he was finally settling down, or because he was unconsciously trying to fill his lungs with as much of the lingering opioine fumes as he could. He didn't care either way- the only thing that mattered right now was the warm body behind him, breathing and moving and alive, a hand snaking under his arm to slip into and finger the spaces between his buttons.

Maybe he should have said something, but it felt nice; soft fingers (maybe too soft) running through the downy, flaxen hair that covered his well-defined pectorals. 'Mmm, always so preoccupied with my chest…' If she wanted to enjoy his "cleavage", he was content to let her. He barely noticed the fingers trailing down over his abdomen, popping open the lowest buttons and brushing against his belt, too focused on the soft nonsense words whispered behind him and the repetitive stroking of his shoulder. He probably would have dozed off had it not been for the unexpected jolt of pleasure between his legs. He flinched as though he had been burned, snapping fully awake and slapping the intrusive hand away.

"I said I didn't want that!" He tried to sit up, but those small hands easing him back onto the bed were surprisingly strong. Or maybe he just wasn't trying that hard.

"I know, I know; you're a good boy, who would never do such a thing. Probably saving yourself for your sweetheart back home. Don't worry, honey; this is no different from what you do at night in the barracks." Even after she unbuckled his belt, he could have stood up, walked out. "You need to relax, poor thing. You need someone to make it all better for you…" His breath hitched as she unbuttoned his trousers, fingers brushing against his half-erect cock, pulling it free. "I'm sure your sweetheart understands; if she were here, she'd do it for you."

'No, she wouldn't…' he wanted to say, but the only sound on his lips was a keening moan as his hips rose to meet the pace of the hand stroking him. His host propped herself up on one arm, thick, dark hair falling over her shoulders as she jerked him with the other, slowly, carefully, every twist and flick of the wrist well practiced. If he looked at her askance, it was easy to pretend those pin straight locks were fluffy curls. That pleasant haze from earlier was threatening to wash over him again, and this time, he let it, eyes slipping shut as he gave himself over to the pleasure, his pants and moans growing louder as he grew harder. He could smell parsley and mint and sweet yellow flowers, a smile in her voice as she reassured him that it was okay, hands with familiar callouses laced with his own and stroking him quickly, roughly, until his whole body jerked and he spilled over them with a choked cry. Slowly, every tendon which had been held taut to snapping relaxed, and he sank deep into the softness of the bed.

"There now. Isn't that better?" Breathing slowly, deeply, Erwin let his eyes flutter open. That dingy wallpaper wasn't a very pleasant sight to wake to, but it didn't matter. He nodded heavily, with a halfhearted noise of agreement. The bed shifted as the woman got up, and he closed his eyes once more, eager to use what remained of his time to take a quick nap. The quiet splash of water as she washed up barely registered in his drowsing mind, but her words certainly did. "See? Nothing to worry about. Thomasin doesn't ever need to know~" Cerulean eyes snapped open, any sense of calm or contentment instantly shattered.

"What did you say?" She glanced over her shoulder, shaking the milky water from her fingers. Her big, round doe eyes made him want to vomit.

"Don't be embarrassed. Lots of soldiers say their girls' name when they cum. I think it's sweet that you're thinking about her-"

"I'm not thinking about anything. I didn't say shit." He was on his feet in a heartbeat, tucking his cock back into his pants and trying to tug on his boots before realizing he was putting them on the wrong feet.

"Hey, where are you going? You've still got twenty minutes-"

"I was never here." She stared at him, utterly bemused, before her thin lips quirked into an amused grin.

"Whatever you say, soldier. Oh, if you speak to Commander Keith, tell him Rosalind misses him~" Garbbing his coat and cursing whoever made this doorknob harder to work than ODM triggers, Erwin finally threw open the door, keeping his eyes on the filthy carpet in front of him as he walked as quickly as he could without breaking into a run.

He couldn't get out of there fast enough, bumping into another soldier who was coming in. He pushed past them before he could see what insignia was on their sleeve, refusing to turn around even as the door jingled shut behind him. Stepping outside left him disoriented enough that he had to lean against the painted brick exterior until he regained his senses. The moon and stars usually didn't look so bright inside the districts, but tonight, he had to shield his eyes from their light.

Groaning, he rubbed his brow before running a hand through his hair. What was wrong with him? He'd come here to avoid running to Thomasin for comfort, and he'd ended up doing just that anyway, even if it was only in his mind. Pathetic… Forcing himself upright, and trying not to stumble as he stepped away from the wall, he pulled his jacket back on and wearily began his trek back to headquarters. As uncomfortable as this… outing… had been, it at least accomplished one thing; he wasn't thinking about what happened on the expedition anymore.

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A/N- Romance, death, and an angsty sex scene? Am I actually writing now? And I know this isn't a very detailed sex scene, but that's on purpose. We're not gonna waste our big climax on a hand job, now are we? I know I'm not very good at depicting the flow of time; I'm quite shit at it, actually, and I apologize. I'm not used to writing anything that spans more than a year or two at most, so… yeah, this fic is kind of a learning experience.