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Ch.10- "Fantasies"
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The streets of Shiganshina were so loud, one could barely hear themselves think. It was hardly a surprise, given how crowded they were. The main road especially, with vendors setting up stalls on both sides, people hanging streamers in the colors of the royal heraldry from their homes and storefronts. White, yellow and green broke up the monotony of the otherwise brown and gray district. Children scurried underfoot, already deciding what goodies they would spend what little pocket money they had on. The anniversary of the king's coronation was always grand, even in the poorest districts. The streets of Ehrmich may have been less crowded, its people less rowdy (for now), but Erwin preferred to stay away from the inner district for as long as he could.
"A gala could be fun…"
"No, it couldn't. It's going to be awful, and I'm going to hate every second of it."
"I was trying to be nice."
"Well, don't."
He'd run into Thomasin as he was making his way to her apartment. It still felt somewhat strange to see her outside of that small, dark room. To his surprise, she suggested they take a walk, admitting that once her "neighbors" began drinking, starting the celebration early, it wasn't going to be very peaceful. The streets weren't exactly peaceful, either, but they stayed along the river, where only a handful of dock workers remained, all of them too busy trying to finish the last of their work to bother the pair. The water was murky this far south, far more shallow than further north, and contaminated with runoff from the butchers and tanners and filth that washed from the gutters when it rained, but even so, he'd rather be here than in Wall Sina.
"Well, I mean, it's technically an honor? Shadis is bringing you to show you off, to show the very best the Survey Corps has to offer." Erwin scowled at the woman beside him, but it lost its intensity immediately.
Even Thomasin had gotten into the spirit of the coronation hype, although it could have just been a coincidence that she had chosen a soft green skirt and white blouse to wear that day. All she was missing now was something yellow… His gaze traveled down her body, noting that even though the skirt was flowy, it still hugged the curve of her- He quickly looked away, suddenly far more interested in the crates lining the side of the riverbed. It was a blessing that she hadn't invited him to her place; being trapped in a small room with nowhere else to look but her would have been too much for him at the moment.
"The best the Survey Corps has to offer is Michaelis Zacharias- that's why he's been the one going to all of these social events since becoming a captain. I'm just an inferior replacement." It was one of the few things Erwin agreed with the commander on. Mike was exactly what the nobles whose purse strings they were hoping to pry open needed to see. The strongest of humanity's soldiers, a man who not only slaughtered Titans with ease, but looked like the epitome of strength and bravery. The figure of a hero, who hadn't spoken in nearly a month…
Lisa's death weighed heavy on Mike's heart even now, and while he would soon lock that hurt away just as they all did, it was evident that he was in no condition to endure the pestilence that was the nobility. And so, for reasons he still didn't fully understand, Commander Shadis chose Erwin to take the other man's place. He was tall, sure, and he'd killed his fair share of Titans, but that was it. He didn't look strong, especially in uniform, and he didn't have any heroic tales to tell, nothing that would impress the coddled wealthy who pretended life outside their gardens didn't exist. Thomasin gave him a half grin.
"That's not true, and you know it. Normally, I don't take the bait when people are fishing for compliments…" The sound of the river lapping against the bank was quiet, but hypnotic enough to almost drown out the racket from the streets.
"…but…?"
" 'But' nothing- I know you're fishing for compliments, and I'm not taking the bait."
"Oh, come on! Have pity on me! I'm going to Hell tomorrow!" She slapped his arm with the book she was carrying, something she'd bought just before running into him.
"You're going to a fancy gala to nod and smile, and stuff your face with rich people food." She grabbed his wrist to make him face her, and his heart jolted in his chest. It was so hard to look her in the eye after… that, but if he looked away, it would only raise questions. "Just imagine it, Erwin… Flaky rolls brushed with melted butter… Carrots and parsnips and potatoes roasted in bacon fat… Salads topped with pine nuts and spring onions and tossed with creamy vinaigrettes… Roast beef encrusted with cracked pepper and seasoned with salt- actual salt…!" She stared up at him with the fervor of a religious zealot preaching deliverance, deep brown eyes jewel-like in the glow of the setting sun. It felt as though time stood still as Erwin stared back at her, unable to think, or act, or do anything but breathe. His lips parted.
"You go, then."
"I would in a fucking heartbeat, don't think I wouldn't! Gimme your dress greens- I will happily go in your place!" And just like that, time flowed once more. Huffing through his nose, the blonde man continued walking.
"I'd probably get court martialed if I let you do that. Willingly aiding the impersonation of a soldier; that's got to be some kind of crime."
"That sounds like a 'you' problem. I'll visit you in jail and bring you some of the roast beef I'll have stuffed in all your pockets." He snorted, a grin he couldn't fight tugging at his lips.
"You know, I might actually do that. Steal some food, not go to jail. I can probably get away with some of those tiny cakes nobles love to eat, especially after I bore them to sleep talking about all the nothingI'm so well-versed in…" Thomasin chuckled under her breath.
"You could talk about dogs humping for all it matters."
"I might have to. The commander could have at least given me a bit of time to prepare some conversation starters…"
"Oh, Erwin, sweetie, you can't be that stupid. You know Shadis isn't bringing you there to talk to people, right? No one cares what you have to say about anything." He frowned, thick brows furrowing.
"Didn't you just say I'm the best the Survey Corps has to offer?" She offered him a look of dull exasperation.
"Yeah. Looks-wise. He's gonna parade you around to get those frigid noble ladies all hot and bothered. They'll be more keen to donate their husbands' money after they've thought about that big, strong, handsome Scout a few times in the bath." His face had grown so hot, he was surprised there wasn't steam billowing from his ears. What was she saying? How could she say all those things with a straight face? Handsome? Him? Doing what in the bath?! Did- did that mean she…?
"You can't be serious…"
"I am so serious. You're there to look strong and capable for the men so they're fooled into thinking the Corps is a good investment, and for the women to imagine what you look like naked. You think those nobles give a fuck that your beloved Mike is a Titan slaying beast? The only thing they want to know from him is how big his cock is. I assure you, someone will grab your ass tomorrow. Hopefully just your ass…" His buttocks unconsciously clenched, the thought of some strange woman running her hand over them making his skin crawl. No, only one pair of hands would be acceptable doing such a thing, and they were currently gripping a crutch and book, respectively.
"I will not abide by that."
"You gotta. It's your duty as a Scout; what else are you gonna do, knock out a potential donor? You dedicated your heart, that means dedicating your ass too." She scoffed under her breath. "Instead of asking if you could dedicate you heart, they should have asked, what's more important- money, or your self respect?" Erwin laughed slightly, the smile dying on his lips as he looked over at Thomasin. He'd expected to see her looking up at him with a sardonic grin of her own, but no. She looked tired, suddenly.
"What are you talking about…?"
"I worded that wrong. Let me rephrase it. What's more important to you- your self respect, or having a roof over your head?" He couldn't tell if it was her words, her tone, or her gaze that caused that sinking feeling. "The Survey Corps isn't a stable job, Erwin, not just because of the Titans. Your livelihood depends on tips and public approval." She looked away from him, but not before he noticed the darkness that settled behind her eyes. "You have to work for tips, sometimes in unpleasant ways, with a smile on your face all the while…" Apprehension gripped his heart, icy tendrils of fear creeping up his spine. Swallowing hard, he reached out, hesitating for a second before laying his hand softly on her shoulder.
"Thomasin? Is… everything alright? At work? At home? Your boss, he isn't…?" He trailed off, not wanting to put his fears into words. The dark woman's eyes widened, and she laughed breathlessly.
"Oh, god no! No, of course not. Mr. Reed, er… prefers the company of men… to have sex with." She helpfully clarified. "And I don't even see half of my neighbors, let alone the landlord. He comes by once a month, I hand him the rent, and he leaves. I don't think we've spoken more than a dozen words to each other in the past six years. The perfect relationship." Erwin sighed, some of the tension leaving his shoulders, but not all of it.
"That's good, at least. It's just… You sounded like you were… speaking from experience." A bittersweet smile twisted her lips.
"Hmm… When you used to talk about what your father thought the royal government was up to, you sounded experienced, too."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean 'don't worry about it'. Don't worry about me. You need to be worrying about you, and about looking cute for those pent up noble ladies." He sniffed haughtily.
"I will not be looking 'cute' for anyone. Every button on my coat will stay buttoned."
"You're gonna roast alive. You should wear this." She reached up with the hand still holding her book, tugging on the hem of his sleeve with her pinky. The slightest brush of her skin against his set tiny wings fluttering in his stomach.
"How can you talk about heat when you're wearing long sleeves yourself? Aren't ever you hot?"
"I'm fine." Azure eyes narrowed as he took in the sweat beading near her hairline, though his gaze was quickly pulled to the adorable wispy little curls near her ears.
"You're sweating."
"So are you, and you're wearing short sleeves. We're not all packing cannonballs in our arms, Smith. Heh, show those bad boys off, and the ladies will be throwing coins at you during the gala…" Was she complimenting him? Backhanded perhaps, but that was definitely a compliment. She'd complimented his chest once before as well, admittedly in the same backhanded way, and only moments ago, she'd said he was handsome… Hope and fear and painful uncertainty roiled inside him like a lake in a storm. He closed his eyes, inhaling deeply in a desperate bid to calm himself.
"I don't want to talk about the gala anymore. No more Scout stuff, please."
"Oh. Okay. What do you want to talk about then."
"I don't know." That was a lie. "You. What's that book about?" Thomasin looked down, brows drawn together as a sheepish grin thinned her lips. It still amazed him just how expressive she could be, and even more so how much he adored every new expression he saw.
"Oh, um… it's nothing. It's… about… gardening…"
"I didn't think you were interested in gardening."
"Me either. There's a little bookstore by the ferry port. Everything is used, but there are some books from Wall Sina, and even from Mitras. Those are a bit out of my price range, but I like looking at them. I saw this one, and thought how nice it would be to have a house with a little garden…" She laughed. "That's so dumb, isn't it?"
"No," Erwin breathed, that single word filled with all the sincerity he could muster. "I think that's nice, too. A house with a garden, and a fireplace where you can curl up and read in the winter… that sounds lovely." For the second time in seven years, he felt some invisible force nudging at his dreams, the slightest push directing them back inside the walls. He immediately, violently, beat those temptations back, taking a moment to reinforce his goals. He would not forsake his father, he would not stray from his chosen path and drown in guilt…
But for all his resolution, a seed of doubt had slipped into one of the cracks in his heart. This wasn't Marie tempting him with fantasies of what their life could be like together, no… These were his own fantasies. The house he dreamed of wasn't in the Interior, but in Krolva district, where he could sit in front of the fireplace and listen to a soft, gentle voice read aloud epic tales of make-believe Titan slaying heroes that he half-remembered from his childhood…
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The streets of Ehrmich were smoothly paved. Of course they were; the delicate constitutions of the nobles and merchants wouldn't be able to tolerate the discomfort of a pothole. Even so, the carriage still bounced and jolted with every crack and dip the metal wheels went over. Survey Corps wagons would barely shudder on such flat terrain, but even the wealthiest owners of carriage services couldn't get their hands on the unique suspension system that was made exclusively for the Scouts. Yet. If they were ever disbanded, all the technology created to help fight the Titan scourge would end up in the hands of the highest bidder, and the wealthy would get wealthier.
"Smith." Yanked from his thoughts, Erwin looked up sharply, meeting the commander's golden eyes. For as haggard as he looked, even Keith Shadis cut an impressive figure in the olive green coat that served as their dress uniform. It was the only article of clothing they received that was custom tailored to their personal measurements, and it emphasized the older man's broad shoulders. He might have looked dashing had he not been scowling at his subordinate. "Relax. Your duty here is to smile and be charming. If you walk in there looking like you're about to be sent to the gallows, that'll only raise doubts and unnecessary questions."
"I know, sir. Forgive me. I'll… fix my face once we're there. I won't draw any undue attention."
"No, you won't. You'll draw exactly as much attention as I tell you to. You speak only when spoken to, and otherwise, stand there looking respectable." Shadis leaned forward, his frown carving the lines around his mouth deeper. "I don't need to tell you how important events like this are for the Survey Corps' continued existence. The tax payers like to believe that we're beholden exclusively to them, but almost half of our funding comes from the elites in Wall Sina and Mitras. It's a game to them, watching men and women who kill Titans scrape and beg before their flaccid, doughy asses. I guess when you live your entire life in a gilded cage, you get bored easily…" He closed his eyes, disgust and anger twisting his features. "These pompous pieces of shit have us by the short hairs, and all we can do is smile and entertain them like well trained animals…"
"I understand, sir."
"Let's hope you do." The commander straightened, leaning back in his seat. "The first time I brought Zacharias to one of these things, he almost punched Lord Hexly in the mouth. And given that hound's unnatural strength and the fact that Lord Hexly was eighty at the time, I imagine we'd have at least a manslaughter charge on our hands." Erwin pressed his lips together to contain the smile that was threatening to break through.
"I assure you, Commander, I won't raise my hands to any of the guests." A grim thought overshadowed the humor of the situation, and he frowned slightly. "No matter what is said, or done." Shadis quirked a thinning brow.
"Really, Smith? Because I have to warn you, some of these nobles are rather touchy. They have no concept of personal space, they reek of perfume and liquor, and they seem to get a kick out of pulling our triggers and prodding us liked caged bears." He paused, a thoughtful look almost softening his features. "All things considered, that's probably why Zacharias freaked out the first time…"
"My nose isn't nearly as sensitive as Mike's, Commander. I'll be fine. There is no insult or grievance so great that I cannot bear it for the good of the Survey Corps. I will do whatever my duty as a Scout requires of me. Whatever that may be." He half expected the other man to scoff, or roll his eyes, and start muttering about his arrogance. Instead, Shadis snorted, his lips just barely pulling up in the tinniest of grins, but still more than enough to leave Erwin floored. He had never, not once, seen the commander express anything even approaching a smile.
"Calm down, Smith; I'm not gonna whore you out to these rich old perverts… no matter how much they might want that…" His assurance should have been calming, but all Erwin heard was the confirmation of his suspicions.
"Sir, is… that why you don't bring female Scouts, even though many of them are more experienced than either Mike or myself?" The older man inhaled deeply.
"Yes, and no. Men are more likely to behave inappropriately towards female officers, even in a social setting- wealthy men who know they can't be touched, especially. But it's more than that. Zacharias is one of the best damn soldiers God has granted us, and the fact that he chose the Survey Corps is a miracle I'll always be grateful for. And you, well… you're intelligent, Smith." Pale blue eyes widened, but he remained silent, half afraid to speak and anger the man, half hoping he would continue. "One of the smartest people I've ever had the displeasure of meeting. And I don't just mean book smart; you're conniving, just like these nobles." Erwin tried to keep his expression still, but was certain he felt the muscle in his eyelid twitch.
"…I'm sorry I've given you reason to think so poorly of me, sir."
"Don't be, because I don't." Well, this was just one surprise after another. "If anyone can weasle their way into these ass-hats' good graces, it's you. If I didn't know you were a nobody from Quinta, I'd swear you were born in this viper's nest. Use that poison charm of yours for good tonight, Smith." The flurrying barrage of insults and compliments along with the stuffy heat of the carriage was giving him a headache, so he simply nodded and hoped the conversation would end.
Fortunately, it seemed Shadis was done with him, reaching into an interior pocket to pull out some papers that were probably more interesting and important than an already weary officer. Erwin sighed quietly, scooting over on the plush bench to lean his head closer to the open window. The fresh air helped a bit, and he tugged at his collar, but it still felt hard to breathe. Reaching into his own pocket, the one emblazoned with the Wings of Freedom, he pulled out a cream-colored kerchief, holding it under his nose as he watched the manor homes roll past.
The citrus aroma had probably been overwhelming at one point, but now, it had mellowed into something calming, just barely more potent than the hints of rosemary or mint. He'd walked Thomasin back to her place, ducking between so many rowdy drunks stumbling between taverns that he loathed to imagine what the streets would look like on the actual coronation day. She bade him stay outside, insisting that she'd be right back, and after a few muttered curses and thuds as she threw things around, she returned, pressing a neatly folded cloth into his hand...
"What's this for?"
"Uh, to protect you from plague? You know all those rich people have the pox- that's why they wear so much makeup." She laughed to herself. "No, really, it just smells good. Mr. Reed sells these, but the good ones cost a fortune, so I made one myself. I use it when I don't feel good- it calms me down. Figured you'd need some calming tomorrow; we don't want you to get a stroke from too many ass pats." His mind raced with vague recollections of fairy tales with princesses giving similar tokens to the knights they secretly longed for… Grateful for the dark, he gently pushed it back at her.
"No, I'll be fine. You probably need it-"
"I'm fine." She closed her hand over his fingers, stilling his arm, but not his heart. "Take it. Trust me, all those overbearing perfumes will make you sick. You can bring it back the next time you visit, just don't wash it. The oil that's infused with is the most expensive thing I've ever spent money on…"
He closed his eyes, imagining her holding the handkerchief the same way he was now, the cloth brushing against her lips, warmed by her breath; was that what they called an indirect kiss…? If the commander thought the sight of his subordinate blushing and grinning like a madman as he sniffed a rag was strange, he thankfully kept it to himself (honestly, that was probably exactly the kind of thing he'd grown accustomed to with Mike…). Finally, the carriage slowed, jerking to a halt. It shifted slightly as the coachman stepped down, taking his sweet time coming 'round the side to open the door.
"We're here, sirs." Groaning, Shadis got to his feet, having to duck quite far under the door frame.
"Well, time to head into the fray…"
~o0o~
Erwin had heard stories of the splendor and opulence of the lives of the nobility, but word of mouth could never fully capture the excess these people wallowed in. This was the home of one of the nobles seated on the Assembly, one Aurille Clemons, and the luxury that position afforded him was made clear in every conceivable way. The mansion was sight to behold, with its marble pillars and gilded window frames. If he didn't know any better, he'd have thought this was the residence of the royal family, not one of their ministers. Valets bowed as the pair of Scouts approached the doors, pulling them open and allowing them entry.
Erwin winced, lifting a hand to shield his eyes. They were inside- it was night time- and yet it felt as though he'd just walked out into an unusually sunny day. There had to be have been hundreds, maybe even thousands of candles, sat in holders that looked more like jewelry than furniture, mounted in wall torches carved in the form of goddesses, swinging above their heads in chandeliers as massive as the carriage that brought them there, hundreds of tiny flames reflected in thousands of exquisitely cut crystals. All those lights shone on the polished white walls and polished windows and polished marble floors he could literally see his face reflected in, and the effect was so overwhelming, he couldn't stop the whimper that left his throat.
"Pick your jaw up off the floor, Smith," the commander hissed at him under his breath. "Don't give these assholes a reason to think you're more of a country rube than you are." Shaking himself from his daze, he blinked hard, trying to adjust to the light, and stood straighter.
"Right. My apologies, sir. It's… very bright in here." Shadis grumbled under his breath as he led the younger man through the entrance hall. Nothing in his look or posture suggested he was impressed by what he saw in the slightest.
"You think this is bad, wait until you see the main hall. You will get a headache, and you're going to have to just grin and bear it. I suggest you drink as little alcohol as possible- that'll only make it worse."
"Thank you for your concern, sir," he said, genuinely touched that the older man was, in his own gruff way, trying to look out for him.
As they walked, and walked, and walked, Erwin wondered how any one human could need so much space for themselves. Even if Lord Aurille had an extended family of a hundred people, there was no way they needed this much space. But it wasn't for people, he quickly realized, taking in as much of his surroundings as he could without openly gawking. No, all of this space was just to house things. Between the torches and candelabras, the walls were hung with shining tapestries and paintings so lifelike he couldn't be certain the people depicted in them weren't blinking when he looked away. The sound of talking grew louder as they approached the end of the hall, dozens of voices overlapping one another, the dulcet tones of violins and cellos and flutes only adding to the cacophony.
It was a good thing the commander warned him, otherwise, he'd be gaping like an idiot again. 'Poor Mike…' The fact that the older captain had been able to endure stepping into this surfeit of sights and sounds and smells without curling up in a corner and crying was a testament to his mental fortitude. No less than two hundred people were stuffed into the massive "room", though the chamber was so large that there was more than enough space to maneuver between everyone without even brushing against them. They wore silks and satins and brocades and furs in every color one could possibly imagine, although there was an abundance of greens and yellows. These peoples' shoes cost more money than Erwin would ever make if he lived to be a hundred.
Tables lined the walls, filled with enough food to feed half of Shiganshina. Cakes arranged to look like cathedrals, towers of crystal clear glasses filled with wines and brandies, and no less than three entire roasted pigs, their eyes replaced with candied fruit. The sight of this orgy of greed and gluttony filled him with revulsion, and distantly, he wondered if Thomasin would be offended by his haughty disdain. He didn't have long to dwell on it as Shadis dragged him over to one corner, where several men in the same green coats as them stood. A bald man with a magnificent mustache was downing a glass of brandy, and paid them no mind until he had finished the entire thing in one go. Sighing heartily, he turned to face the approaching pair with a smile.
"Ah, Keith! I was beginning to wonder if you would show up this year."
"I wouldn't miss it for the world."
"If you're going to lie, either make an effort to be convincing, or don't bother." A short, portly man with thick white hair and beard drawled, though it was clear from the glint in his eyes that he meant no ill-will. "You're quite late."
"Fashionably so, I had hoped. Forgive me, gentlemen; I made the mistake of starting paperwork, and the time got away from me."
"Well, you're here now. That's all that matters…" A man with a short blonde bowl cut and a far less impressive mustache sniffed distastefully, casting an aloof eye towards Erwin. His coat was open enough to fully display his bolo, the ruby encased in gold filigree polished to an obnoxious luster. Probably a retired Military Police commander. "This isn't your usual lap dog. What happened to, oh, what was his name…? Miche? Don't tell me he's dead."
"Of course not, Colonel Aleister. Mike is fine, but he wasn't feeling well enough for any festivities."
"So, who is this fine young man?" The bald man also regarded the young Scout, his golden eyes far more scrutinizing, though it was impossible to say what he was looking for. Casting a quick glance at his commander to ensure he had permission to speak, he quickly thumped his chest in the most perfectly poised salute he'd ever offered up in his life.
"Section Commander Erwin Smith, of the 89th Western Corps, head of third squad, sirs!" The last man, with thick salt and pepper muttonchops, raised a bushy brow.
"89th Western branch, you say? I know you; you were going to join us before Keith stole you away. All that effort to graduate first in your class, wasted…" The rings shining on his thick fingers was a better indication of his position in the Military Police than the green and silver unicorn on his pocket could have been. Erwin kept his expression carefully blank.
"I apologize if my fellow cadets gave you the impression that I was ever interested in the Military Police Brigade, sir- it has been my dream to join the Survey Corps since I was a child." The bald man laughed aloud.
"I like this one!"
Erwin remained silent as Commander Shadis introduced him to the other men, Dot Pixis of the Garrison, Alex Harwin of the Military Police, Gerald Aleister of the Royal Assembly, and their Commander-in-Chief, General Dhalis Zachary. These were the most powerful men in humanity's military, and he was standing before them like a child waiting for their parent to finish talking to their friends. Commander Pixis gave him a sympathetic grin.
"You must be bored out of your mind, young man, having to listen to these old geezers talk about taxes and regulations…"
"N-no, sir, I don't-" The old man laughed, pulling a flask from the inside of his coat.
"Don't lie. It's a party, Keith; let this poor boy go enjoy himself. The Titans might not have scared him away, but all these dull reminders of what our duties actually entail might." Commander Shadis mulled it over for a moment, but ultimately nodded.
"You're dismissed, Smith, but remember what I said. Don't enjoy yourself too much."
"I won't, Commander." Erwin saluted again, turning on his heel as the older men all laughed, one of them chiding Shadis for being such a wet blanket.
For as awkward as being in the company of the top brass had been, being thrown to this pack of well-dressed wolves was even worse. Although his expression and posture were as confident as he could manage, there must have been something that spoke to his discomfort, and the nobles honed in on it like predators catching the scent of blood. He quickly lost count of how many times he was stopped, the insignia of his branch piquing the interest of the aristocracy.
As instructed, he did not speak unless spoken to, trying to answer the insipid, and often insensitive, questions thrown at him as tactfully as he could, while also still trying to be entertaining. They wanted to hear the exciting things- the rush of flying through the air on ODM gear, or the terror of staring into an eye as big as he was, not the mundane reality of picking pieces of soldiers out of the grass. It didn't take long to realize who was sympathetic towards the Survey Corps, and who held them in low esteem. It was clear, right off the bat, that most merchants clearly saw them as a waste of resources, pondering loudly if it wouldn't benefit humanity more if the royal decree that certain technologies be maintained exclusively for military use be lifted…
"Why, just imagine how ultra-hard steel could be utilized in factories!"
Of course.
"Those horses of yours could make deliveries between districts in a matter of minutes!"
Maybe not that fast.
"That iceburst gas would probably be more useful if it wasn't constantly ending up inside the Titans!"
...Obviously.
Erwin tried to waste as little time as he could on the merchants, ducking out of conversations as politely as possible. The majority of nobles blatantly looked down on the Scouts as well, not-so jokingly calling them aperitifs for the Titans, but there were a few oddballs here and there. Few were actually interested in what the world beyond the walls was like (although he found those the most tolerable of the lot), more than a few just found the idea of humans killing Titans entertaining (even going so far as to suggest allowing people to pay to go on top of the walls to watch their battles), and much to his chagrin, far more than that were just interested in him.
The nobles had proven Commander Shadis right at almost every turn, standing far too close to him, often spraying his coat with flecks of whatever they had crammed into their mouths prior to talking, and wiping their greasy hands on his sleeves and even chest on occasion. And multiple women, of various age and social standing, proved Thomasin right by openly fawning over him, cooing over his "gorgeous" eyes, stroking his biceps and, yes, at least one trailed a hand down to his ass, squeezing the firm flesh like they were testing the ripeness of a piece of fruit. It was disgusting, and he wanted nothing more than to slap the lustful grins off their painted lips, but those were the only people mentioning how tragic it would be if humanity lost such handsome young men, most even inquiring after "dear Captain Mike", expressing genuine relief when he assured them the older man was fine.
Erwin knew an opening when he saw one, and went in for the kill, indulging desires to learn more about the Survey Corps' training regiment (why yes, he did often train shirtless- he got so sweaty in the warmer months) and sleeping situations (he had his own quarters now, but of course he used to bunk with the other male soldiers. And yes, many of them did sleep shirtless. Why, some even slept in the nude). He wondered if this was what the commander meant when he'd called him 'conniving'. He should'vebeen grateful; these womens' lips were as loose as their morals and, hopefully soon, their purse strings. He'd finally torn himself away from one Lady Caitlin with a wink and a promise to seek her out when the dancing began, simultaneously cursing God and mulling over some interesting gossip he'd just heard about one Nicholas Lobov.
Finally making his way over to one of the tables laden with drinks, he grabbed the glass closest to him and threw it back, too desperately thirsty to care what it was. It was a mistake, is what it was, and he found himself coughing and choking on the brandy now burning his throat. A heavy hand roughly slapped him on the back, trying to help clear his lungs. Panting, he leaned on the table, weakly wiping away the tears that had begun to form from the intensity of his hacking.
"Thank you," he wheezed to the stranger who'd come to his aid.
"Don't mention it. I- Erwin?" Who the hell would know his name here? Straightening, he turned, not bothering to hide his shock as his gaze locked to a pair of hazel eyes that were intensely familiar, despite not having seen them in years.
"Nile…?" The two men stared at one another in dumbfounded silence that stretched on and on. The dark-haired man finally broke it.
"Holy fuck… Erwin, you're still alive?" Before he could stop it, a lingering trace of resentment coiled around his tongue, turning his words bitter.
"What, are you disappointed?"
"No! God, no!" Nile shook his head fervently, grabbing his once best friend's shoulders as he tried to collect his thoughts. "I- I heard everyone from the 89th who joined the Scouts died… I thought… I thought…" He trailed off, and Erwin dropped his gaze.
"No. Not everyone. Just everyone but Thomasin and I." The hands on his shoulders tightened their grip, fingers digging into his flesh even through the thick cloth of his coat.
"Thank god…" the other man breathed. "I mean, I feel bad about everyone else, but… I heard about that a few months after we graduated, and I just kept thinking, 'He's fucking dead, and the last thing we did was fight. I didn't say 'bye' or 'good luck' or anything'…" The blonde man forced himself to smile, though it felt like more of a grimace than anything.
"I was the one who threw the first punch in that fight, so you weren't to blame for that."
"That didn't make me feel any better when I thought you were dead…"
"Well, I'm not. So you can stop feeling guilty." Nile sighed, clearly not convinced, but pulled his hands back regardless. Somehow, the already unpleasant atmosphere had grown even more awkward. Erwin cleared his throat, forcing himself to stop wishing he were fighting a Titan instead of being here. "So! You're a ranking officer now, I take it?"
"Yeah… Lieutenent…"
"Well! Look who's moving up in the world. It's quite an honor to have been promoted so highly when you're still so young." The brunette man laughed, albeit wryly, and at once, most of the tension fell away.
"Yeah right! 'Honor' my ass- the higher-ups only promote us when they want someone else to do their work for them, the lazy bastards. I was stupid enough to think that if I worked hard, so would the people around me, but all that did was put a target on my back and tell everyone, 'Hey! If you slack off, this idiot will do your duties for you!' God, I'm so fucking stupid…" He glanced up at his friend, his scowl darkening even further. "Oh, fuck you, Erwin…"
"What?" He could barely speak, using all his willpower to hold back the laughter threatening to burst forth any second. "I didn't say anything…"
"Fuck you!"
"Should I feel sorry for you? Oh, boo hoo; you have to spend a bit more time telling the Garrison soldiers what to do. Does your poor ass hurt from sitting around doing nothing all day?"
"You don't have a god damn idea what I do. Maybe I don't risk getting eaten evey day, but you didn't have to either, you dumb shit!" Nile spat, eyes narrowing. "But no, you had to be a fucking delusional idiot. You chose to go play outside the walls instead of growing up and having a normal life."
"Like you did?"
"Yeah! I wasn't stupid enough to throw Marie away for the Titans!" None of the noise had stopped. Dozens of people were still talking and eating, and the musicians were still playing, but in that corner of the room, you could have heard a pin drop. Erwin's lips moved in silence before he finally managed to speak.
"W-what are you…?" His earlier frustration gone, Nile looked away, shamefaced.
"You weren't the only one who had feelings for her, you know that. You got her hopes up and broke her heart, and-! She was so sad, I couldn't just… I didn't- we didn't do anything- I thought you were dead, okay?! And so did Marie- she was so upset, even though you tossed her aside, and I… I asked her to marry me… and she said yes…" There was so much information, he couldn't process it all. All he'd really taken in were those last few words…
"When?"
"Five years ago. We just had our first kid, a daughter…" Nile bowed his head. "If I'd known you were alive, I would have told you, invited you to the wedding, but… No, actually, I don't think I'd be that much of a dick…" Well, he definitely hadn't been expecting to learn that tonight. Wordlessly, Erwin grabbed another glass from the table, drinking this one far more carefully. There had been times over the years when he'd thought of Nile and Marie, separately of course. In his mind, they were always frozen the way he remembered them; barely adults, just beginning to think about their life, not… actual adults with an actual life. Married. A child. He could barely wrap his mind around it. "Sorry, Erwin. I know you probably didn't want to hear this, but-"
"Congratulations, Nile." He clapped his free hand on the other man's shoulder, giving him a warm smile and lifting his glass in a toast. "I'm happy for you, and for Marie. I wish your family all the best." Hazel eyes widened, blinking owlishly for a moment, before narrowing in suspicion.
"Okay, what the fuck are you playing at?"
"You hurt me, Nile; I'm being sincere."
"Really? Cuz I was kind of expecting you to knock me into this table and break my nose again."
"I was a heartbroken teenager, and you were drunkenly flirting with the woman I'd just broken off an engagement with- cut me some slack, you rat-faced bastard." Nile snorted, a warm smile of his own curving his thin lips.
"Okay, that sounds sincere. Thanks, Erwin. I'll pass your well-wishes onto Marie; she'll be relieved to know you're not dead. I gotta admit, part of me was kind of worried you were still carrying a flame for her…"
"…she'll always have a place in my heart, Nile; I wanted to marry her for a reason. But even I'm not so pathetic as to continue pining for someone I already ruined my chances with." The other man grabbed a drink as well, taking a sip.
"Hmm. Is that because you've matured, or because there's someone else you've got your eye on?" His first instinct was to deny everything, but then he realized there was no point. It wasn't as though he saw his old friend… ever, really; what would it hurt to be honest for once?
"I won't say there's not…"
"Oh? Well, out with it!" Nile nudged him in the ribs. "Who's this pretty young thing that's tempted Erwin Smith's cold, dead heart?"
"I don't see why that's any concern of yours, unless you're planning on stealing this one from me, too."
"Hell, maybe I am. Maybe I'll form a harem of all the women you're interested in." The teasing glint in his eyes dimmed a bit. "So, are you and this girl serious?"
"Me and this girl aren't anything. I doubt she feels for me the way I do about her…"
" 'Doubt'? As in, you don't know? The fuck? You proposed to Marie after knowing her for six months- how do you lose your nerve after fighting Titans for six years?"
"You just do, okay?" Nile held his hands up in surrender, and they both drank in silence.
"Y'know, Erwin, just because I won't steal this girl doesn't mean someone else might not if you just sit around with your thumbs up your ass."
"I know."
"Then why don't you do something about that?" He sighed.
"Being a Scout is about risk management. Sometimes, you have no choice but to put everything on the line, but other times, the best thing to do is to just avoid conflict. I avoid unnecessary risks as much as possible- that's why I'm still here…"
"…so you're a chickenshit who's scared she's going to say 'no'." Erwin grinned wryly.
"Pretty much. Maybe I should practice professing my love to other women…"
"Maybe you should."
"Where do you live these days, Nile? Maybe I'll go visit Marie while you're at work-"
"You stay the fuck away from my wife, you bushy eyebrowed motherfucker- I will not hesitate to shoot you!"Despite being the shorter of the two men, Nile managed to bear down on Erwin with enough intensity to force him back, though he could do nothing to stop the taller man's shoulders shaking with badly suppressed laughter.
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For three months, the Survey Corps went out on expeditions, losing seven of their twenty new recruits, but succeeding in building the watchtowers and fortifying their new "base" beyond the walls. They worked nonstop, training and preparing for missions, desperate to prove their worth because Commander Shadis had heard through the grapevine that there was a group of high ranking nobles and officials who were dedicated to disbanding the Survey Corps for good. They had to do everything in their power to prove that they were capable of getting results, which was probably why the commander had called Erwin into his office one day to once again discuss his Long-Distance Enemy Scouting Formation.
In the past, having his senior officer come crawling back to him for help might have given him some spiteful glee, but he himself was too beaten down by these constant setbacks and obstacles to take any kind of satisfaction from the moment. All he felt looking at his war-torn commander was bitterness, at the world and the people in it for being so obstinate, and at himself for not being able to do more. So he made a vow to do more, which unfortunately, meant he had to spend what little free time he had dealing with work.
At least he kept Thomasin informed as to his goings on, sometimes even asking her for help in matters that he deemed required a woman's touch. He often brought her letters to bed when he turned in for the night. It wasn't unusual- with his new promotion, he'd developed a habit of bringing the infinitely spawning papers on his desk to bed, either to finish filling out, or to scan over one last time before turning in for the night. But with hers, he usually just traced his fingers over the words, allowing himself to smile like a fool knowing no one- Hange- was going to burst into his bedroom the way they did his office. Her handkerchief usually laid on his pillow, and he often fell asleep with it tucked beneath his cheek. It seemed to help keep the worst of his nightmares at bay.
Life was hectic, the world uncertain and ever changing, but for one day, when the trees around Wall Maria were painted in the colors of the sunset but still clung to their leaves, he put all his worries and burdens aside. Well… he tried to. It had been easy at first. When he'd knocked on Thomasin's door, she'd greeted him not with her usual teasing grin, but with a bone breaking hug that lasted long enough for him to return to his senses and actually enjoy the warmth pressed against him. And thankfully, she'd pulled away before he could start enjoying it too much, ushering him inside as he tried to apologize for forgetting to bring her handkerchief…
"I thought I put it in one of these pockets, but it's probably still in my uniform jacket…"
"It's fine, bring it next time. Guess what? I have something for you~" she hummed, her voice downright melodic. He couldn't have stopped the smile growing on his face if he'd tried.
"What is it?"
"You can't have it until the sun goes down." Something meant for the cover of night? His mind raced almost as painfully fast as his heart…
She'd distracted him for a while with dinner, nothing so extravagant as what Lord Aurille had served, but infinitely more palatable as far as Erwin was concerned. Trout fished from the river that morning (no, she hadn't caught it herself- she wasn't stupid enough to risk standing near deep water with such uneven footing), wrapped in fresh herbs and kale leaves to keep it moist, and a simple salad of mixed greens and dried nuts and fresh berries. He'd panicked immediately, terrified by the thought of how much money she must have spent on this one meal, but she brushed his concerns off, assuring him that nearly everything laid out before them had been procured through bartering or picked herself…
"Edward brings back, like, twenty fish every morning. I swear, that man has some unnatural power over the water. Usually, he sells them all to the fishmonger, but his wife- Darla, that's her name- is pregnant and has been incredibly sick; she's always hogging the toilet. So I got ingredients for cheap and made her a nausea tonic in exchange for the fish. I'm good at those; Garrison soldiers come in every Monday hungover, and Mr. Reed basically washed his hands of them years ago…" She frowned slightly. "Are you listening to me, Smith, or am I talking to the air?"
"Please move to Trost!" He begged, almost tearfully, through a mouthful of fish. "I can't go back to eating that shit they call 'food' after this!"
"No."
"Then please come back to the Survey Corps! You don't need two legs to be a cook!"
"That's not up to me."
"Why are you punishing me like this- oh god, that's so good…!"
It would have been embarrassing how much he'd stuffed his face had Thomasin not been chortling across the table from him the entire time, enjoying the show as much as he was enjoying the food. Utterly sated, he leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes as the young woman moved their plates away. She'd barely even touched her food, but he was too full to care. He sighed, content yet wistful.
"This is the best day of my life… I don't want to go back to HQ; there's nothing waiting for me there, I'm just want to live here from now on. To hell with the Survey Corps- I'm gonna be a fisherman…" The clattering stopped, and he cracked an eye to see Thomasin staring at him from over her shoulder, a strange expression on her face.
"That's not like you. Did you eat so much it broke your brain?"
"No, I'm just old and tired…"
"…you're twenty six."
"My life is passing me by, and I've accomplished nothing! Nile is married and has a kid!"
"Since when do you give a fuck what Nile Dok is doing?" He opened his mouth and closed it. He didn't want to mention Marie to her. He didn't know why, it just… made him uncomfortable.
"I thought I would have accomplished something by now. Proven something. But we're spending more time worrying about the god damn Assembly cutting our funding than we are worrying about what's beyond the walls. I've been thinking recently… What if I die without learning anything? Without seeing anything? Without… vindicating my father?"
Sighing, Thomasin limped back to the table, carrying the bottle he knew held her dandelion wine. She poured enough to fill his cup halfway, and even from where he sat, he could tell that it was more alcoholic than it had been last time. Taking her seat, she poured her own cup, putting the cork back in the bottle and setting it on the table.
"You want to know what I think? Honestly?" He nodded. Leaning back in her own seat, a strange melancholia darkened her eyes. "I don't think it would matter anymore, because you'd both be dead."
"What?"
"From everything you've told me, I don't think your father cared about being proven right- that's why he never told anyone his theories but you. So if you die, no one's going to care about him being 'vindicated.' Not even you, because you'll be dead." Erwin's brows furrowed in consternation.
"Are you… trying to comfort me? I can't tell…"
"You can be comforted if you want," she told him dully. "I'm just reminding you that once you're dead, you won't care anymore, so that's not a problem your future corpse needs to worry about, now is it?" He frowned thoughtfully, mulling over her words.
"So… what you're saying is… I'm actually worried that I won't be able to prove him right no matter how long I live or how hard I work…?"
"If that's what you heard, that's what you heard." She grabbed her cup, sipping the wine and staring at him from over the rim of the cup. "If you get bored of trying to prove your conspiracy theories and want to go AWOL, you can hide out here for a while." Erwin grinned at her, some of his dread leaving him already.
"Oh? You're going to hide me from the Military Police when they come to drag me to the gallows?"
"I'll try, but I can't imagine you'll stay hidden very long with your giant feet poking out from under my bed. I guess I'll just have to fight them off while you try to climb out the window."
"You'd fight MPs for me…?" She scoffed.
"I was partially eaten by a Titan; you think I'm afraid of the Military Police? I hold no respect for that branch, or anyone in it. Besides, I know you'd help me do something illegal if I needed you to."
"How illegal are we talking?"
"Murder?" He paused, thinking for a moment.
"I don't think I can do the killing itself for you, but if you can dismember a body you've killed, I suppose I can sneak it in with our supply crates and dump it on an expedition. No one would question extra body parts beyond the walls. The real problem would be the smell, but yeast might cover that up-"
"Damn, Smith; I was joking! It's a little concerning that you have a plan for disposing of corpses already laid out."
"I have contingency plans for everything- that's why I was promoted," he told her simply. "But I guess that means I can't go AWOL yet. God dammit, there's nothing but problems waiting for me back at base…"
"Like what?"
"Like this." He fished a letter from his pocket, handing it across the table. Dark eyes narrowed instantly.
"This is custom stationary on expensive parchment." She sniffed it, recoiling and raising a brow. "Perfume… Is this a love letter, Erwin?"
"Something like that," he groaned, grabbing his cup and taking a swig. "Read it." He watched her eyes move across the paper, her lips parted slightly as she mouthed the words to herself. He wondered what those lips would feel like ghosting along his throat- she'd been so soft pressed up against him-
"This lady wants to fuck you very badly."
"Keep. Reading." Her amused smirk slowly morphed into a frown, her brows drawing closer and closer together until she reached the end of the page, handing it back to him.
"Who the hell is Lord Lobov?"
"The thorn in the collective Survey Corps' side. I learned about him during the gala, and since then, I've taken it upon myself to do a bit of digging into the people currently responsible for our precarious situation."
"Erwin… are you exchanging dirty letters for information?"
"I'm not proud of it, but I will do what I must to-"
"You have to let me help you!" He blinked, shocked and a bit afraid of her sudden enthusiasm.
"Uh…"
"I know exactly what kind of trashy romance these noble ladies eat up!" Pushing herself up with the table and back of her chair, Thomasin hopped over to a stack of books beside her bed, leafing through them before pulling out one that had seen better days. She thrust it at Erwin's chest, snickering as she sat back down. Holding the veritable brick like something several days dead, he eyed its title.
" 'Thief of Her Lord's Heart'?"
"That's actually one of the better ones; it almost fools you into thinking it's well written. The sex scenes; that's what you have to look at!" He fixed her with an incredulous look.
"I have so many things to do, Thomasin- I can't read this- what is this? Eight hundred pages?! What madman wrote this?!"
"Mad woman, and you don't have to read the whole thing- I helpfully marked the pages worth reading." Taking a better look at the frayed, yellowed pages, he noticed many were dogeared. Many, many were dogeared. About half the book.
"How much sex is in this book…?" He whispered fearfully.
"A lot."
"Why are all these pages marked?" Her expression was a listless slate, but he could see her cheeks growing redder by the second.
"I think they're funny." He decided to drop it, not willing to venture down that particular rabbit hole.
"What am I supposed to do with this?"
"I was thinking you could just copy shit so you don't have to waste time thinking of things to write to get this lady horned up. That book's pretty old; even if she's read it, she's probably forgotten it by now." Brilliant blue eyes gazed lovingly at the woman before him.
"You have no idea how helpful this is. Truly, Thomasin, this will save me so much time that can be put to better use." She smiled sweetly at him and his heart skipped a beat.
"Well, I'm glad I can help, even if it's with something as silly as this." That smile turned devious, much the way Lisa's used to. "Just promise you'll let me read more of this lady's replies; I wanna see just how horny she is for you."
"Why though?" He asked brokenly.
"This is the funniest thing that's ever happened, and the fact that it's happening to you makes it even funnier."
They spoke for a while after that, losing track of how long, discussing nothing at all, really, yet it was somehow the most engaging conversation Erwin had had in a long time. He only paused when he noticed just how dark the room had become.
"The sun's finally set," he informed her, smiling as she gasped, excitement and delight illuminating her from the inside.
"It's dark! I can give you your present now. Okay, Erwin, close your eyes and cover your nose."
"Oh no," he groaned, dread welling within him. "I don't trust this…"
"Yes, you do. You've been spending too much time with Zacharias- I don't want his super-smelling to have rubbed off on you." Her excitement dimmed somewhat, lips pursing as she pleaded. "Please, Erwin. I don't want the surprise to be ruined." He would have jumped headfirst into a blast furnace if she looked up at him like that while she asked him to. Still, he pretended to only follow her wishes begrudgingly, somewhat as a joke, but mostly because that was what she expected of him.
"Alright. But I swear, if you hold a dead rat or something like that under my nose, I will absolutely punch you in the throat." His threat earned him a cheeky laugh.
"A soldier threatening a poor, defenseless civilian. For shame, Smith…" Closing his eyes, he held his hand over his nose and mouth, trying to puzzle out what she was doing by sound alone. He heard her open a cabinet, the strike of a matchbox and the soft 'tap' as the glass of her lantern was set back in place. He expected her uneven steps to stop when something was set on the table, but they continued, coming closer and closer until she laid her hands on his shoulders.
"Okay, you can look and smell now." He lowered his hand first, inhaling deeply. The sweet scent of vanilla sent his eyes flying open, and he stared, dumbfounded, at the small cake laid before him, several thin candles flickering merrily atop it. Thomasin leaned heavier on his shoulders. "Didn't I say I'd make you a cake?" She asked lowly, her voice close enough that he could feel her breath against the shell of his ear. 'And I said I didn't want this… I told you not to waste your money on me…'
"Is that frosting?" He asked, horrified, as he noticed the thick white paste that covered the exterior of the cake in messy ripples.
"I wanted it to be fancy, like what they sell in shops."
"How did you-?"
"I used what was left of my sugar. I think it was worth it."
"It smells like vanilla…"
"It is! I've never cooked with vanilla before. Did you know it's a skinny little pod? And it's brown? I thought they were white flowers!" He turned to look up at her, unable to keep the dismay from his face.
"How much money did you waste on-? Ow!" Flinching, he drew back as she flicked him between his eyebrows, harder than usual.
"I didn't waste anything, Smith. I spent money I worked for making something nice for someone I care about." They were friends. Of course she cared about him; it was obvious in everything she did, but even so, that she had to word it like that made his chest ache…
"But… what about you saving to move…?" he asked lamely, earning him a deadpan look that was all too familiar, but at the same time, seemed to be covering a multitude of emotions just below the surface.
"Is that all my life should revolve around, Erwin? Wake up, work, sleep and repeat so I can move to a bigger box and start the process all over again? Would that be 'accomplishing' something to you?" Her expression softened, and this time, she just lightly tapped his forehead. "If the price of a nicer place to live is not even being able to properly celebrate my best friend's birthday- and kind of belated promotion- that's a price I'm not willing to pay. So this might set me back a few months… That's worth it to me." Swallowing hard, he looked back at the cake.
"You're insane…" he mumbled under his breath, but she was close enough to hear him, scoffing in amusement.
"As though you aren't? Hurry up and make a wish so you can blow out your candles before wax drips on everything."
If he believed in something as silly as wishing on inanimate objects, there would only be one thing he'd want in that moment. But it was stupid, it was selfish, and even if some god was up there listening and granted such a wish, he'd never know because Nile was right; he was too craven to actually risk what they had to confirm it. So instead, he pushed down that voice that told him he was being stupid, and wished for the other thing he wanted in that moment.
'Please let Thomasin always smile like she does now, even if I'm not there to see it. Please don't let her go back to how she was when we first met…' Inhaling, he blew out the tiny flames, further darkening the room. Making a happy noise, the young woman squeezed his shoulders one last time before limping back to the counter, leaving him to miss the warmth of her hands. Returning with the lantern and plates, she began cutting it into quarters.
"I've never made anything like this before, so if it tastes bad, that's why."
"It won't," Erwin assured her confidently. Even if it somehow did, he'd keep his mouth shut and ask for seconds. "I still can't believe you did this for me…"
"Neither can I." Thomasin slid a plate over to him, sitting down and resting her chin on her palm. Her own plate remained empty, but she didn't even seem to notice. "I never would have imagined I'd actually want to do something like this. …I always thought birthdays were kind of stupid, to be honest." The blonde man paused, fork lifted halfway to his mouth, and frowned.
"The concept of celebrating the anniversary of one's birth, or the idea of being born in general…?"
"It's the same thing." No, it really wasn't, but now wasn't the time to press the matter.
"What changed your mind?" She pointed the knife, still carrying crumbs and smears of frosting, at him. He gestured at himself questioningly with his fork, not willing to speak through a mouthful of cake, at least.
"Yes, you. You changed my mind about a lot of things, Erwin." Crossing her arms on the table, Thomasin rested her cheek on them, staring at him with lidded eyes. "Birthdays, the world beyond the walls, friends… I never thought about those things before I met you. I can see the appeal of them now, I guess." She lazily stretched out an arm, letting her fingers slide over his. The flame of the lantern reflected in her pupils, its golden glow kissing her skin. Erwin's mind screamed at him to speak, to open his idiot mouth- three simple words, even children knew them! "Happy birthday, Erwin. I'm so glad you were born…" 'Say it… Say it, just say it…!'
"…Thank you, Thomasin…" The smile creasing her eyes was worth the sickening pain tearing him apart inside.
That night, as he lay in bed staring at the moonlight on the far wall instead of sleeping like he should have, the fear that had strangled him loosened its grip. He whispered the words again and again, as if that might make up for all the times he didn't say them. A mantra, a prayer.
"I love you, I love you…" Whispered against the soft cream-colored cloth that smelled like bergamot and mint that he had been panting and moaning into for the past three months. Whimpering, he writhed in the sheets, fighting against the urge to buck into his hand, to quicken his painfully slow strokes. A few hard jerks was all it would take, his hand was so slick with pre-cum, but he held back, wanting to indulge in this fantasy where he wasn't a coward and the hand stroking his cock belonged to the woman he loved.
"I love you, I love you, I love you so much…" Shutting his eyes as the pleasure crested, he let himself believe he could feel her breath against his ear, I love you too, Erwin...
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A/N- Romance? In my romance story? Say it ain't so! Are we gonna end every chapter with a depressed handy? Probably not.
So, I can't believe I've never said this before, but any and all engagement is incredibly appreciated. I have no way of knowing if anyone is enjoying, or even reading, my work. Page views/hits mean nothing; you could click on a link by accident, immediately go back, and that would register exactly the same as someone reading from start to finish.