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Ch. 16- "Realization"
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Three months after the fact, and the Assembly was still discussing whether or not the Survey Corps' last expedition could be considered a success. Commander Pixis and General Zachary were of the opinion that it was, that the fact that humanity stepped into uncharted land was something to be celebrated, while those in true positions of power maintained that the loss of life negated any sense that this was a victory. Alas, this was a fight that even Commander Shadis didn't have much say in, so for the rest of the Survey Corps, all they could do was try to look busy. They couldn't practice vertical maneuvering, since they had no idea what their upcoming budget would be, and they weren't authorized to go into the territory between the walls to keep their riding skills sharp, so the majority of them just took the time to catch up on sleep and, for those whose families lived nearby, quality time with their loved ones. The rest kept themselves busy in other ways.
"Are you sure you should be doing this, Erwin?"
"Yes. If I can't even do this, how am I going to start using ODM gear again?"
"Okay…" Cecile sighed, cracking her knuckles despite the doubt still lingering in her voice. "Don't go easy on me or anything…"
She lunged, and though he managed to throw off her first attempt at a grab, she effortlessly dodged both jabs he threw, dipping low and sweeping his leg out from under him. He dropped to one knee, but managed to catch her leg before her foot could come close to his face. Even if they were holding back, he could do without the dirt-encrusted treads making contact with him. Cecile grinned, perfectly balanced on one foot.
"Okay, you're doing a little better than I expected… Still favoring your left side, though." Erwin saw her eyes flash, saw her shift, but he couldn't move fast enough to stop her. It was a little jump, a hop more than anything, but the next thing he knew, her other foot made contact with his chest with enough force to knock the breath out of him, knocking him back. He kept his grip on her ankle, dragging her to the ground as well, and for a while, both of them lay in the courtyard, moaning in pain while the other Scouts who were supposedly also working on their hand-to-hand combat stopped to snicker.
"Ahhhhh…! Was that worth it?!" Erwin rolled over onto his side, clutching at his sternum. Cecile's kick hadn't hurt terribly- she'd stuck him on the right side of his chest, where the muscle provided at least a little cushion from the impact. But as he fell, the heel of the boot he'd been holding managed to collide directly with his chest dead center. Whimpering as she tried to dislodge her legs from his, the older woman rubbed the back of her head, dust and grit clinging to her strawberry-blonde hair.
"I thought that was gonna be a lot cooler than it was… Why didn't you let go of me, you stubborn, stubborn asshole…?!"
"I didn't expect you to drop kick me!"
"So this is what passes for fighting above ground? Idiots ineffectively slapping at each other and rolling around in the dirt?" Erwin lifted his head just enough to spot Levi leaning against one of the stacks of crates that lined the courtyard, his arms crossed over his chest as he surveyed the scene before him with a boredom that bordered on disdain. The blonde man let his head fall back to the ground as he waited for the throbbing pain in his chest to ease a bit more.
"This isn't fighting, Levi. We aren't trying to hurt each other… actively is practice."
"Practice for what? How to get your ass kicked in the most humiliating way possible?" Finally climbing back to her feet, Cecile scowled at the shorter man, her lip curled in disgust.
"Maybe if someone hadn't tackled Erwin off his horse, he'd have better reflexes." Cold gray eyes flashed over to him as he sat up, the corners of thin lips drawing down further. Was he upset? Did he take this lack of secrecy as some sort of betrayal?
"My squad deserved to know how I got injured." Levi scoffed, looking away.
"I'm surprised they didn't figure it out sooner. I guess you're just really shitty at this whole Scout thing if people readily believe you get hurt in such stupid ways…"
"Okay, I've had enough out of you." Cecile stepped forward, her stance wide, fists raised. "You and me; let's go, Tiny." Dark, thin brows furrowed in annoyance.
"I'm not gonna kick your ass just because you've got some savior complex about Blondie." She laughed humorlessly.
"You, kick my ass? I don't think so. Put your money where your mouth is."
"Cecile, don't. Leave him be." Standing as well, Erwin tried to put his hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged him off.
"No! I'm going to! I don't know why this… sassy child stokes your paternal instincts so bad, but he needs to be taught some manners!" Levi's eyes narrowed, and he pushed himself away from the crates, his steps slow and calculated at first, growing quicker and more insistent until he was running, charging at them. Erwin threw himself out of the way on sheer instinct, phantom pains shooting up his neck as he watched the shorter man lunge at Cecile.
Unlike him that day, she was expecting this attack, and grinned viciously as she drove her elbow into the other man's nose… or rather, where his nose had been. In the time it took to blink, Levi ducked under her arms, wrapping his own around her waist. It should have seemed impossible for him to lift her; slight though Cecile was, he really did look like a child compared to her- hell, compared to most of the Scouts. And yet, his movements were effortless, as though the taller woman weighed no more than a pillow. He twisted around her, his shoulders all that brushed the ground as Cecile went flying over him, landing on her back in a heap of contorted limbs. Levi rose like something inhuman, not even bothering to dirty his hands touching the ground, the muscles in his thighs visibly flexing through the white riding pants of his uniform, his abs straining against his shirt. The courtyard was silent, save for Cecile's panting and quiet whimpers.
"Well? Who else wants to take on this sassy child?" The other soldiers hurriedly looked away, as though Levi might construe their continued gawking as a challenge. Scoffing under his breath, the short man began walking back to his original spot, but was stopped as a large hand gripped the wrist that rose to brush what little dust clung to his shirt away.
"What the hell was that?" Erwin's voice was as cold as his eyes. The other man remained silent. "I thought you agreed to join us."
"I'm here, aren't I?"
"Physically, yes. Mentally, I don't know where you are. This is not the Underground, Levi; you don't win respect here with shows of force."
"Seems to be working well so far…"
"Fear is not respect." A groan from behind him drew Erwin's attention and he released the other man, rushing over to kneel by Cecile. Her limbs had unfolded and she lay sprawled on the ground, visibly miserable. "Are you okay? Can you move?" With a croaking groan, she reached for him, weakly gripping the front of his shirt.
"Avenge me…" Frowning, the blonde man stood, rolling her over onto her side with his boot.
"Get up. You deserve this. I told you not to antagonize him."
"Why are you defending him?!" She cried out.
"I'm not. Both of you are in the wrong."
"I didn't do shit wrong," Levi groused. "I'm not gonna respect people who don't respect me." Pinching the bridge of his nose, Erwin shut his eyes. "Sassy child" was right…
"People do respect you, Levi. If you'd pull your head from where it's lodged and actually speak to someone other than me, you'd realize that. Maybe you could start with your squad?"
"I'm not here to make friends and gossip like bitches. I'm here to kill Titans. I don't need all these shitty brats getting in the way for that." Brats. He spoke like a crotchety old man, and once again, Erwin found himself wondering exactly how old Levi was.
"You're good at racking up solo kills and nothing else. That alone isn't going to stop the Titans or help humanity. You have a lot to learn, Levi."
"Then why can't I learn it in your squad?" Ah, there was the crux of the problem…
With so many casualties, one of the first things Commander Shadis did was restructure some of the squads, mostly to fill up those that only had one or two soldiers remaining. Given that Levi was the only survivor of Flagon's squad, he was transferred to Mike's. That had caused angry outbursts from several captains, upset that an already strong soldier now had a veritable prodigy on his team when he clearly didn't need one.
Erwin, to his own surprise as well as Shadis', had stood in defense of the commander's decision, positing that Mike was the best captain for their new Strongest Soldier. Levi didn't need someone to coddle him or keep him under close scrutiny; he needed a captain he could emulate, who would give him enough slack to come into his own. It was difficult to argue with the living proof of Captain Zacharias' ability to nurture a protege. Of course, there were still those who openly voiced their dissent, namely Mike and Levi themselves…
"I don't wanna be on the same team as that human Titan…" They'd both approached Erwin with the exact same complaint, separately.
"He's vicious as hell, Smith! That midget threw a punch at me…!"
"He tried to fucking sniff me. And had the audacity to get upset when I defended myself. I'm not gonna take orders from whatever kind of shitty pervert he is…" Erwin had given them both the same advice.
"You have your orders. Deal with it…"
"You don't need me to hold your hand, Levi. Give Mike a chance- everything I know about being a leader, I learned from emulating him. I'm certain you're intelligent enough to pick up a thing or two if only you'd stop being so stubborn." Levi looked away, but he could see in the stiffness of his shoulders that he wasn't going to give up his stubborn streak any time soon.
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Despite the clouds moving above them, precious little breeze reached between the rows of houses in Shiganshina. That was more of a blessing than a curse, given how chilled the air already was this early into October. Erwin wouldn't have noticed the clouds had he not first noticed that Thomasin had fallen several steps behind him and followed her gaze to the sky. The sky seen within the walls had become a depressing sight- there was always something obstructing the view. Outside them, it was wide and open…
He opted to turn his attention to something more interesting. Thomasin's head was tilted so far back that she was leaning into it with her whole body, as though she might fall over at any moment. Her lips were parted, her eyes intensely focused… the same way she used to look at him when they were younger. Backtracking, he reached out and tapped her shoulder. She blinked and that intense look was gone, replaced with the unfocused haze that mired those waking from a deep sleep.
"Are you alright?"
"Huh? Oh. Yeah. I just…" She trailed off, her gaze slowly slipping away from him and to the ground at their feet. Erwin would have stood there until she'd gathered her thoughts, but no; apparently, he wasn't to know what she "just". Thomasin began walking again, her pace a fair bit quicker than before, as if to make up for the few seconds they'd lost. One long step, and he caught up with her.
"I'm not taking you away from anything, am I?"
"No, of course not. I'm just…" She tried to trail off again, but this time, Erwin gently nudged the conversation to keep it going.
" 'Just'…?" She pressed her lips together into a thin line.
"Tired, I guess. Cold weather makes me tired."
"I prefer the cold. It's the heat I could do without."
"I know; you get flushed very easily. I'll bet you burn like crazy in the sun- you're practically translucent." She grinned, a flash of white teeth behind her lips. "Am I right?"
"I won't confirm or deny that, but let's just say I had a lot of freckles when I was younger…"
"Awww!" The sound of her cooing over him made his stomach flip flop, but not because of any warm, fuzzy feeling. Lisa was the one who always cooed over him, mostly because he hated it, but there had always been a genuine affection in her eyes, and though he never admitted it, a part of him enjoyed the attention. It was almost like having an older sister. He wished he'd admitted it, wished he'd told her how much he admired her and cared about her… And William… And Gerwalt… And Frey… "Erwin?"
He turned to face her, taking her right hand in both of his. Her surprise lasted only for a second before being washed away by… something. Maybe pity. He didn't care- he'd take pity.
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"For this." He squeezed her hand slightly, acutely aware of just how… delicate it felt, swallowed by his own. "For spending the day with me- for always spending time with me, even though I'm sure there are better things you could be doing-"
"Better, maybe. Things I want to be doing more? No." Of course, she could just be saying slacking off with him was more enjoyable than doing laundry, but it made his heart flutter all the same.
"Nonetheless, thank you for always being there when I need you." She smiled at him, but it wasn't really a smile. Her lips pulled up at the corners, emphasizing the apples of her cheeks the way it always did, but there was still something in her eyes that wasn't quite happy. "Tired" was the best way he could put it.
"It's been eleven years, Erwin. You don't have to thank me for that." When she pulled her hand away, it hit her thigh, as though she were expecting some kind of resistance. But his grip had loosened as a strange sense of panic tingled through his nerves.
"Eleven? Eleven years? Has it really been that long?"
"Twelve since we joined the Training Corps, but since we started talking? Yeah. Over a decade…" She sighed wearily, laying the hand he'd just been holding, still warm from his own palms, across the back of his neck, squeezing slightly in an almost massage. "We're old. When I realized a few months ago 'holy shit- I'm almost thirty', I nearly had a stroke."
"I'm almost thirty…" Erwin whispered, shuddering from some internal chill.
"No, asshole- you get to be twenty six for another week. You're still a baby." Thomasin let him go, and immediately he missed the minuscule amount of warmth she provided him. Stepping in front of him, she smiled again, a cruel, wicked smile. "But just think about it- three more years, and we're the big Three-Oh!"
"How can so much time have passed, and yet no time has passed? How the hell can I still be twenty six? My life has flashed before my eyes so many times, I thought I was at least forty by now!"
"If it makes you feel any better, you look forty… but then again, you've looked thirty since you were fifteen. Since you like theories so much, I have a theory that you were born looking like this. You were never a child, just a very small man." She snorted, turning away to try and stifle her laughter. Groaning in a way that sounded suspiciously similar to a sob, Erwin continued down the almost deserted lane, dragging his feet too much for it to be considered "walking".
"Why did you have to remind me how much time has passed…?" Thomasin managed to catch up with him surprisingly quick, leaning on her crutch and hopping forward. He'd never seen her move like that before.
"You literally came here to celebrate the passage of time."
"I came here to drink with you- don't put words in my mouth or reasons in my brain." She shrugged.
"If you didn't want to be depressed, you should have gone drinking with your squad."
"I'm drinking with them next week, and trust me- they are quite depressing in their own right. Levi's probably going to invite himself…" he added that last part to himself, muttering under his breath, but Thomasin was walking close enough to him that she heard.
"How is he…?" she asked in a quiet voice, her words weak, as though she were afraid to say them aloud. Cerulean eyes flashed in her direction. She wasn't looking at him.
"Stubborn. Commander Shadis assigned him to Mike's squad, and he's been acting out ever since."
"Why? Is Mike that much of an asshole?" Erwin bristled even though he knew there was no malice behind her words.
"Mike isn't the problem- Levi is. He's-" She did look at him now, genuinely curious.
"He's what?"
"He's… a bit clingy…" Now that he'd said it out loud, it sounded stupid. "It feels like every time I turn around, there he is."
"Is he threatening you?"
"No!" He quickly assured her, already not liking that tremor of fear that crept into her voice. "No, he isn't doing anything. He just stands there… menacingly…"
"I'm… pretty sure that's just what his face looks like…" Her dark gaze dropped again, her expression stiff. "Did it ever occur to you that maybe he's lonely? He's in a new place, his friends are dead- everything is new and scary. You're the closest thing to something familiar he has right now." Erwin frowned.
"When did I tell you his friends were dead?" She plucked at her left sleeve, tugging at the hem and rolling it between her thumb and finger.
"…you said his squad got wiped out. The whole reason you recruited them was to keep him in line, right? I can't imagine someone that volatile is going to allow himself to be separated from the only people he cares about…" The blonde man grinned, lightly tapping the top of her head.
"Sometimes, I forget there's actually a brain up here."
"I make medicine for a living, Smith; people die if I make a mistake, and I don't have two extra brains in my eyebrows to fall back on."
"…you sell rat poison."
"Hey, I sell people poison, too." He held his hands up in surrender.
"You're right. On both counts. But Levi is a grown man… I think. And more importantly, he's a Scout. He needs to learn to bond with his teammates, and he can't do that when he's constantly lurking around me like a second shadow."
"Maybe he's not good at bonding with other people."
"That's not an excuse. He can learn, if he'd just try." He almost didn't catch the little shake of the head Thomasin gave, still not looking at him.
"Not everyone is like you, Erwin. Not everyone can just… be whatever they need to be in a situation. You have…" She frowned, trying to think of the word that best described her thoughts. "Charisma, I guess." He looked away, his cheeks hurting as he tried to stop smiling.
"I had no idea you thought so highly of me, Lindemann."
"That's not a compliment, I… argh! I don't know what the word I'm looking for is! People like you because you make them like you. You lie to make them think you're what they want you to be." That wiped the smile right off his face, and he turned to look at her, hurt.
"No, I don't."
"You gave up on your lifelong dream because a girl you liked wanted you to join the Military Police." If she slapped him, it wouldn't have hurt as much.
"I broke up with Marie…"
"At the last possible second! And that wasn't the only time. The things you say you tell your squad, it's like… another person has to be speaking through your mouth. That's not you. I don't believe that you believe half of the shit you say; you're just saying it because it makes you look good, and that makes people like you. Everybody likes and respects you now because they don't know you're a heretic. I bet if you stopped preaching about 'humanity' and told everyone in the Corps that you'd ditch them as soon as you find out if there are people living beyond the walls, you wouldn't be able to bond with them so easily, either!" Her voice had risen almost uncontrollably the longer she went on, the way his used to when he went on his rants. But her eyes weren't shining with excitement; he could see tears clinging to her lashes as she tried to blink them away. "I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice hoarse, "I didn't mean that…"
'Yes, you did…'
"Have I done something wrong, Thomasin? You've been so upset with me ever since our last expedition-"
"No, I haven't! I'm not upset, I'm… worried…" Releasing her crutch, she tugged at the hem of her sleeve, holding it between her thumb and forefinger and pulling it over her knuckles. "I… I…" Her lips moved silently, as though she couldn't physically say what was on her mind.
Another breeze blew, strong enough to buffet his hair ever so slightly, moving a strand or two out of place. Hers was pinned down with a white scarf, the daisies around its border barely visible. As the seconds dragged on, impossibly slow, the only sounds remained those of the other people who lived in Shiganshina. Erwin reached out, his fingers brushing the back of her hand before he paused and touched her shoulder instead.
"It's cold. Let's find that tavern." Sniffling, Thomasin nodded silently.
~o0o~
There were well over a dozen taverns in the southernmost district. When Erwin first showed up at her door with his request, Thomasin had joked that every last one of them was overflowing with Garrison soldiers. Looking around the crowd of twin rose insignias, it seemed like less of a joke…
"The Garrison really doesn't do a single damn thing, do they?" He didn't bother to keep the contempt from his voice, knowing no one but the woman sitting opposite him could hear him. "I get exhausted just thinking about being that worthless."
"That's just because you're not used to it. You've spent the past twelve years being forced to be busy, and now you physically can't, so it feels weird. Give it a few more months- you'll enjoy the down time." Thomasin's voice was almost too quiet for him to hear, but he was glad she was talking at least, even if she wasn't looking at him. Instead, she stared into the depths of her mug, tapping the side of the metal stein, probably watching the way the beer rippled. A thousand topics ready to be broached chased one another through Erwin's mind, but he settled for the least complicated one.
"No, I won't. Two months of inaction drove me near to madness. We can't ride, we can't practice vertical maneuvering… I don't even have any paperwork." She stopped tapping and glanced up. In the low light, her eyes looked black.
"You hate paperwork."
"That should tell you how bored I am."
"Were you always like this? I don't think you were, but maybe that was just a phase."
He lifted his mug to his lips, but did not drink, pondering her question. No… no, he really hadn't been. When he was a child, he hadn't been lazy, but he definitely preferred reading for pleasure as opposed to reading for an assignment, even if said assignment wasn't something he particularly disliked. God, when was the last time he'd picked up a book simply to lose himself in the story, as opposed to needing to research something? Finally opening his mouth, he almost winced as the bitter liquid hit his tongue.
"I've matured. I like having something worthwhile to do," he said after swallowing.
"Relaxing can be worthwhile…" She wasn't wrong, but the problem was, the only time he ever truly felt relaxed was around her. Even here, in this dingy, too-loud tavern with its sticky floors and the faint, sour odor of vomit lingering under the smell of alcohol… Even with the horrible, awkward sense of distance that remained even though the table they were seated at was so small, his foot kept brushing against hers… Lingering on it made his chest hurt.
"Do you want to tell me what you're so worried about now?"
"No." He couldn't help but crack a wry smile at her bluntness.
"Would you tell me anyway? Consider it my birthday present."
"Me buying you drinks is your birthday present."
"I already told you; I'm paying for everything. I don't want your money, I want you to talk to me."
"Why this?" she groaned. "Why do you always wanna talk about stupid shit, Smith? Why can't you talk about something normal for a change? How's your sex life?" He almost blushed. A horrifying, though completely illogical thought struck him, that somehow she knew what he'd been doing. That was utterly ridiculous, but his heart still pounded faster.
"Nonexistent." She groaned again.
"Fine." Erwin thought she'd begin speaking immediately, but instead, she raised her mug for the first time since the tavern girl set it in front of her.
Distaste furrowed her brow and pursed her lips, and he wondered if he was mad for thinking that her disgust just made her look cuter. Gathering her nerve, she took a long draught, and he watched as her throat worked, a long smooth column that bobbed every time she swallowed. A drop of beer escaped the corner of her mouth, and he followed its trail past her full bottom lip, down her chin. His own lips parted; the urge to lean over the table and run his tongue over that wet trail was overwhelming. He gripped the edge of his seat to keep himself still. Finally, when she'd finished about half the stein, Thomasin set it back down, sighing deeply. Her lips glistened, and he glanced away as the pale pink tip of her tongue darted out to lick up the foam that clung to her upper lip.
"Okay, that should get me buzzed…" She lowered her voice. "You know what I'm worried about, Erwin."
"Explain it to me like I'm a child."
"You almost died."
"No, I didn't."
"Yes, you did! You're only alive right now because of pure, dumb luck! Do you know how easy it is to snap your neck!? You can just walk down the stairs, and slip a little and bam! That's it; you're dead. Instantly, if you're lucky, and if you're not-"
She dug the heels of her palms into her eyes, breathing hard. Erwin knew what happened if you weren't lucky. You laid there until you died, trapped in your own body, just breathing until you no longer could… He didn't even have a chance to see Frey before he took his final breath… Unclenching his fingers from the sides of the chair, he crossed them on the table, leaning forward a bit.
"That's always a risk, Thomasin. Not even for a Scout- you said it yourself; you could die falling down the stairs. That knowledge hasn't upset you all this time. So why now? Is it because of Levi?"
"No," she said too quickly to be believable. Maybe she realized it too, for when she next spoke, her voice was slower, deliberately calm. "No… One of Dr. Yaeger's patients is pregnant… was pregnant. She lived in Wall Maria territory, somewhere way out in the mountains, so he would bring her medicine for her morning sickness when he went to check on her." Erwin quirked a brow, frowning.
"She must be from a prominent family to have the good doctor making house calls all the way in the mountains." After Dr. Yaeger's rise to fame curing the plague that devastated Shiganshina, every wealthy house within Wall Sina vied for his services. Maybe this expectant mother in the mountains was just an old friend of his and he was doing her a favor…
"I don't think so- only pariahs and criminals live out there, people who aren't fit to integrate with proper society…" Her eyes hardened- her whole face seemed carved from stone for a moment, but the moment passed and she was once again tapping the side of her mug. "Anyway, I know about her because I was the one making her tinctures and preparing the orders. He would try to make small talk while I was getting everything ready; asking if my leg healed well and if I missed being a Scout… He holds the Survey Corps in high regard- I think he's friends with Shadis, 'cause he always calls him 'Keith'… he called me brave, once…"
The words were on the tip of Erwin's tongue, You are brave, but her voice was so small and she looked so miserable that he knew that would be exactly the wrong thing to say at that moment. Taking another sip of beer, he simply waited for her to continue.
"One day, he mentioned that this is gonna be this lady's second child; she already has one that's the same age as his son. And I asked the stupidest question- I asked how old this lady was… and the doctor smiled at me and said 'a little older than you'… And that's when I almost had that stroke I told you about earlier." His face twisted in confusion, most of her words going in one ear and out the other. Only a few choice words truly stuck in his mind.
"So… you're worried about death because… you're th-thinking about having children…?" It felt as though a large hand wrapped around his middle and squeezed, squeezing all the breath from him, making his stomach lurch and sending nausea roiling through him. Levi's voice echoed distantly in his mind, Until she gets sick of you and finds someone who's man enough to actually fuck her instead of just staring at her like a goddamn pervert… He welcomed the pain exploding in his shin as her toes connected with the bone, scowling deeply at him.
"Did I say that, you brainless idiot? No! Let me finish! At that time, I was freaking out because it struck me just how old I was. I think Dr. Yeager's son is nine or ten, so this lady probably had her first kid when she was twenty… I was in the Survey Corps when I was twenty. One second, I'm fighting Titans and watching my captain get her arms torn off… and then I blink, and I'm old enough to have a husband and two kids…" She tugged at the hems of her sleeves, a futile attempt to stop her hands from trembling. Her voice dropped to a whisper, a breath that Erwin had to lean forward to hear. "I never expected to live this long…" Before he could talk himself out of it, he reached across the table, laying his hands over hers. He could still feel them shaking, and he gave them both a little squeeze.
"But you did. Despite all the odds, you're still alive."
"Yeah…" Her voice was just as soft as before. "But that lady isn't. I overheard the doctor talking about it with Mr. Reed. I think she and her husband were killed by robbers or something, because Dr. Yaeger adopted their daughter."
"That's horrible," Erwin whispered. "When did this happen?"
"About three months ago. And that, and all the shit with Levi and the expedition made me realize that… twenty seven isn't that old. And you could have died before you even lived that long." Her expression was tight, her eyes overly shiny in the dim light, her voice growing more choked the longer she spoke. "You're old enough to be a husband and father, but… I look at you and still see that boy from the Training Corps who couldn't assemble a rifle. You're so young, Erwin… and it's so easy to die…"
It made a lot more sense to him, suddenly, her seemingly unprecedented fear and volatile moods… It was foolish of him to assume that, just because she no longer watched as people were mauled by Titans, that she was somehow exempt from the spectre of death. He kept her hands in his own as he tried to think of the right thing to say. The problem was, all this unexpected talk of husbands and children had his heart beating such a frantic tattoo against his ribs that he was getting lightheaded.
"I can't make any promises not to die," he said, his voice quiet, somber. "No one can promise such a thing. But I can promise that I won't take any unnecessary risks, and that I'll do everything in my power to stay alive." Thomasin didn't say anything, but her hands stilled beneath his. He wondered if, in that moment, he told her that he loved her and that knowing he would see her after every expedition was his greatest motivator to return to the walls, would that make the situation better or worse? Would that do anything to set her mind at ease, light even the dimmest ember of happiness in her eyes? Or would she just think he was lying, saying what he thought she wanted to hear?
"Sometimes, I wonder if I wish you'd actually gone through with it and married Marie…" Erwin blinked, thrown for a loop. How had Marie entered the conversation? Had he missed something?
"What are you talking about?"
"You would have joined the Military Police if you married her. You'd be living somewhere in Wall Sina, and you'd be safe and happy and I wouldn't have to worry about you… but if you married her, we probably wouldn't be friends, so I wouldn't actually care if you were safe or not."
He wanted to deny her claim, to vehemently insist that of course they would still be friends, but he knew that wasn't true. He'd been so caught up in his infatuation with Marie that everyone around him had been eclipsed by her, Thomasin especially. If he'd brushed off her diatribe the night he told her about his betrothal, convinced himself that she was petty and jealous of his happiness, he probably wouldn't have spoken to her again. He'd have walked away from Commander Shadis with Nile, probably would have been congratulated by Commander Harwin…
Thomasin would have joined the Garrison Regiment and probably gone back home to Quinta district. She would be whole and healthy… Maybe she'd be married by now, sitting across the table from her husband while their child played in the other room… and he'd be doing the same with Marie… A quiet, peaceful life with the woman he, back then at least, loved more than anything… Never breathing the air outside the walls, never tasting freedom… Never watching the sun dip below the true horizon atop Wall Maria with the woman who would somehow become his everything…
"Maybe I would be safe, but I don't think I'd be happy. I'd feel bored… unsatisfied… and guilty." Thomasin turned her hands so that her palms laid flush against Erwin's. Slipping her thumbs out, she gently rubbed the knuckles of his pinky and ring finger.
"Do you think anything would make you happier than proving your father right?"
"I don't think so," he muttered. A decade ago, he would have proudly declared such a fact, content and assured in the knowledge that he would willingly, happily die if it meant vindicating his father. Now… admitting it out loud felt as though he were confessing a terrible sin. Thomasin exhaled deeply, silently, giving his fingers a squeeze before slipping her hands away. The air in the tavern was rather warm, but his hands felt cold without hers.
"Sorry, Erwin; I really didn't plan on depressing you today." He sighed, wrapping his hands around his stein to try and distract himself from how empty they felt now.
"It's fine. I've grown accustomed to depressingly introspective conversations about the nature of life and death while drinking. You and Mike would be good drinking buddies."
"I've never had a conversation with Captain Zacharias before- I'd hate for our first one to be about the futility of life."
"I'm sure other topics would come up…" He lifted the stein to his lips, not noticing the wicked gleam in her dark eyes until it was too late.
"Oh? Like your little crush on him? I'd love to tell him about the first time you saw him using ODM gear." Erwin coughed as the beer went down the wrong way, burning his lungs.
"I don't know what you're talking about…" he wheezed, pounding on his chest to try and clear it.
"I'm pretty sure you do. You were so… excited." She leaned forward, the most evil of smiles lighting up her face. "Be honest; you came a little-"
"I absolutely did not!"
"One day, I'm gonna track down Nile and ask him to verify that."
"How would he know?"
"Weren't you guys bunk mates? If anybody would have heard you moaning Zacharias' name at night, it would have been him-" Erwin leaned forward as well, pressing his finger against her lips, silencing her but unable to stop the snort of repressed laughter that followed.
"You know what, I've changed my mind. The best birthday present you can give me is to just shut up. Permanently. Never speak again." Her smile didn't fade, it only twisted as she struggled to keep from laughing. Her lips parted and he felt a puff of warm air against his finger. His heart lurched, but for entirely the wrong reason.
"Noble ladies would pay extra for the two of you-"
"NO!"
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The commanding officers' quarters in the Trost headquarters weren't as large as those in Ehrmich's, but Erwin's office was big enough for six people to sit… well, comfortably, in a sense. The issue wasn't space so much as the fact that he'd never had to host more than two or three at a time and thus, didn't exactly have proper seating for a crowd. Of course, almost no one cared. It was late and they were already tipsy, so when Horace gracelessly dropped to the floor and stretched out, most of their numbers decided to follow his example. The only one who refused to join their lopsided semicircle was Levi. He'd looked nauseous just watching them take their seats, and when Hange tried to drag him down with them, he physically recoiled…
"You trample through shit- literal horse shit- day in and day out and track that all over the floor, then you nasty fuckers expect me to sit down there with you? How the fuck have you all not died from dysentery yet…?"
Maybe at some other time, they'd have bristled at his insults, but they'd already begun passing around the second bottle of wine Mike pilfered and thus, his barbs were met with a bit of ribbing, but not much else. The short man perched on the edge of the couch, hunched over, his elbows resting on his knees. Erwin kept expecting him to make an excuse to leave, but despite his many, many complaints, Levi remained. ...maybe he's lonely… A low, impressed whistle drew him from his thoughts. Cecile had taken a moment to examine the dark green bottle now that it passed into her hands, and judging by the smile on her face, she liked what she saw.
"Orvud district. Their wine's really expensive. Someone must be embezzling government funds to afford this, and they are gonna be pissed when they find it missing."
"That's what they get for trying to hide shit on the top shelf," Mike muttered, earning a scoffing laugh from Hange.
"What's the 'top shelf' for you; the rafters?"
"Literally on top of the shelf in the kitchens, all the way against the wall." Erwin frowned, a horrible thought striking him.
"Do you step on anything to reach this?"
"No, but you'd probably have to." The taller man reached over, laying a massive, heavy hand atop his head. He brushed it off.
"So… we're drinking very expensive alcohol that was hidden somewhere only someone as tall as Mike can readily reach… I'm pretty sure this belongs to Commander Shadis." Four pairs of horrified eyes stared at him, widening as the dread set in. Levi looked as unconcerned as ever.
"We're all gonna die…" Hange croaked. Cecile glanced too and fro, then lifted the lip of the bottle to her mouth, taking a deep swig and earning a dismayed cry from the bespectacled soldier. "No! Stop drinking that!"
"Fuck that; if I'm gonna do the time, I may as well commit the crime."
"Gimme some of that crime wine." Horace snatched the bottle from her, taking a draught himself. Levi's lip curled in disgust.
"Are you animals actually drinking after each other? How do you disgusting creatures not have every disease known to man?"
"Alcohol is antiseptic, genius," Mike told him flatly. "The only person no one should be drinking behind is Erwin, and that's just because he's gross."
"Gross~! Gross~! Gross~!" The elder members of his squad began chanting, pounding their fists on their thighs, and he was suddenly reminded of Hange accusing him of the same thing not all that long ago.
As the massive captain reached for the bottle, Erwin intercepted it, vindictive blue eyes holding the gaze of the aghast gray ones across from him as he put his mouth completely over the lip of the bottle. There was a burst of sweetness as the wine hit his tongue, then the underlying sourness puckered his mouth. Pulling it away, he dragged his tongue over the now warm glass, gathering the single drop of crimson that threatened to spill before handing it to an absolutely repulsed Mike.
"Ugh! I don't want your fucking crypt juice!"
"I'm sure the alcohol will kill all the plague in there."
"What is this?" Hange's earlier concern was forgotten in the face of new drama. "What are you two bickering about?" The elder of the blondes pointed an accusatory finger at the younger.
"That fucking reaper just infected the bottle with his goddamn corpse slobber!"
"Someone in this room thinks I smell bad. I suggest we have him trepanned; clearly his skull is filled with demons." Cecile fixed Mike with a look that could only say, really?
"Are you actually going to pass up the chance to drink the most expensive wine you'll ever lay hands on because you're scared of a little indirect kiss from Erwin?"
"I will literally throw up if that bottle gets near me."
"Ooh! Ooh! I'll drink it! I don't mind how Erwin smells!" Hange held out their hands, fingers wiggling excitedly. They too covered the entire lip with their mouth, though clearly not out of malice. Taking so large a gulp they had to swallow twice, they leaned back on one arm, sighing contentedly. "Ah, that tastes good. Okay, who wants their juice now?" They waved the bottle temptingly, its contents sloshing against the glass. "How 'bout you, Levi?"
"Ugh."
"Mike?"
"Uuuugggghhh…!"
"Do it." Erwin leaned forward, his eyes hard. "Do it. Do it- drink after me, you coward. I will sweat on every surface in your office if you don't. Do it!"
"For the fucking love of- when I throw up, Smith, I'm gonna aim directly at you!" Mike snatched the bottle from Hange and took a deep breath, pinching his nose shut with his free hand while he took a swig. Holding the bottle at arms' length, he turned his head away before allowing himself to breathe freely, retching slightly. "Ughhhh, it's in the back of my throat…!" Horace took it gladly, but paused, holding it up to Levi.
"Sure you don't want any, Short Stack?" Levi's face darkened, but he showed incredible restraint by not suplexing the larger man.
"I don't drink. And seeing how stupid a few rounds have made you all, I dodged a bullet."
"But you have to drink!" Hange whined. "How else are you gonna celebrate another successful year of kicking Death in the nuts and running away?" They inhaled sharply, their eyes widening impossibly large behind their lenses. "When's your birthday?!"
Several pairs of curious eyes fixated on the dark-haired man, including Erwin's, much to Levi's chagrin. When he had been filling out the paperwork necessary to have Levi and his friends documented not just as soldiers, but as citizens of humanity, he'd had to leave a lot out. Levi refused to give him any information but his given name, and his eyes turned murderous the more he pressed, so he finally left well enough alone. A part of him wondered if the man even knew that information himself. Alas, if he did, they weren't going to be privy to it.
"None of your fucking business."
"At least tell us how old you are," Cecile groused, still upset about her stunning defeat at his hands. "I wanna know how guilty I should feel after your payback beatdown."
"I'm curious about that, too," Erwin muttered, keeping his eyes focused on the dark-haired man despite the warmth flowing through his veins tempting him to close them. Levi's expression twitched, a second of anger, disgust, discomfort- he couldn't tell. Ultimately, he scoffed under his breath.
"About the same age as you lot, I suppose."
"…that doesn't narrow it down much."
"Yeah, that could be anywhere between mid-twenties to mid thirties." Levi's brows furrowed.
"Which one of you fuckers is still 'mid-twenties'?" Hange's hand shot up.
"Me!"
"…huh. I guess those shitty glasses of yours make you look older." His cold gaze wandered back to Erwin. "How 'bout you, Blondie? How long ago today were you shat out into the world?"
"Twenty seven years." The shorter man's face darkened.
"Bullshit. Don't fucking lie to me. I think you meant 'thirty seven'." Mike made a sound like a stag being bludgeoned, biting his lip to try and keep from laughing.
"It's the face…" Hange gasped.
"How can you say that?!" They crawled across the floor, kneeling in front of their section commander and cupping his cheeks. "Look at this face! Smooth as a baby's bottom! Just look at 'im!" They squeezed and rubbed, earning snickers from the rest of their squad.
"Nah, he's got a point…" Horace said. "Erwin really, really doesn't seem as young as he is. He's too… mature." Taking another sip of wine, he leaned towards his CO, his voice taking on a conspiratorial tone. "You were one of those asshole kids who reminded the teacher about homework and ruined it for the whole class, weren't you? The teacher's pet?"
Erwin lightly brushed Hange's hands off. The conversation had reminded him so much of one he'd had back when he was in Mike's squad that, for a moment, he forgot he was surrounded by different people. People he'd never told even the smallest snippets of his past to.
"Actually, I was the teacher's son."
"That explains so much." Cecile's voice was muffled by the bottle. "You had to be an example for all the other brats. You were probably acting twenty when you were ten, so of course you're gonna seem forty when you're twenty."
"Twenty seven."
"Literally no difference."
Seven years was a lot of difference, though. He felt like a completely different person now compared to who he had been during his first year in the Survey Corps. He'd lost at least some of his insolence and grown more responsible, but more cunning and cutthroat as well. Seven years was enough time to fall completely, irrevocably in love… Hell, in less time than that, Nile had gotten married and started a family… Erwin flinched as chilled glass pressed against his cheek.
"Drink up, birthday boy." He took the bottle from Cecile, but did not drink.
"What's got you so down all of a sudden?" Mike's deep voice cut through his thoughts, and he glanced up to see the older man staring intently at him. He almost grinned- Mike's ability to sniff out unease would have served him well as a lawyer.
"I'm not down, something just crossed my mind." They did not pry, but their attention all focused on him, even Levi's listless gaze. "Have any of you ever thought about… getting married?" The already quiet room fell dead silent, and as soon as Hange's lips began curling up like a dead spider, he regretted saying anything.
"When's the wedding…?!"
"Hange…" There was a warning tone in his voice, but not a single person present took that warning seriously.
"That's an oddly specific thing for you to ask." Horace frowned, but his eyes were alight with amusement.
"It's not," Erwin insisted, not a trace of amusement in his voice. "Most people our age have settled down, started families… It's not odd to think about what your life would be like in their shoes." The silence returned, but this time it was thoughtful.
"I wouldn't mind it," Mike mused in a soft voice. "I never gave much thought to the whole 'marriage' part, but I always assumed I'd have a ton of kids. You don't grow up with four siblings and think that's not the norm."
"Why don't you then?" The older man fixed him with a wry look.
"Uhh… I kinda need someone else to do that with, Smith. Didn't anyone ever teach you about the birds and the bees?"
"Yes, Michaelis; I know how procreation works. Why not look for a partner? Start a courtship?"
"What the fuck is a 'courtship'?" Levi spat out the word as though it left a bad taste in his mouth. "Is that like a lordship or some shit?" Hange tried to smile, but it was weak, like a sputtering flame.
"It's, y'know… like dating."
"The fuck is 'dating'?" Everyone stared at Levi, unsure of what to make of this strange creature that looked so much like them, but was truly a different beast. Hange crawled over to the couch, heaving themselves onto the cushions and throwing an arm around his shoulders.
"Oh, my sweet child. You have so much to learn about our world…"
"You have two seconds to get your arm off me before I rip it off and beat you to death with it." Hange simply laughed, though they quickly pulled their arm back. The other soldiers shot Erwin a look, silently screaming, Why did you invite him? He answered their unspoken question with a scowl. The tallest amongst them sighed, speaking as though the conversation hadn't been steered off course.
"Who am I gonna 'court', Smith? The only women I spend any reasonable amount of time with are other Scouts, and…" Mike's face fell. "That's just cruel. Falling in love and thinking of starting a family with someone that you might watch be devoured? Who might see you be devoured? I couldn't do that…"
"What if you met someone outside the Corps? Say, if you met the most perfect woman at a tavern, and the two of you fell in love?"
"My, you certainly are quite the romantic, Erwin~" In stark contrast to Hange's dewy-eyed smile, Cecile looked downright pissed.
"God, I envy you miserable bastards. It must be nice when the only part of starting a family you have to worry about is dumping a load in some woman and getting back to work…" She turned her ire towards Erwin directly. "What civilian woman would be stupid enough to have kids with a Scout? If you don't want your child's father in their life, there are easier ways to go about it." His heart sank. She was right; she was absolutely right about everything, and yet, he simply could not accept her words as truth.
"If a father's mortality rate is the sole determining factor for whether or not we should have children, the human race would have gone extinct before the Titans even appeared. We all die. No parent is guaranteed to see their child grow up…" Most of the soldiers fixed him with an utterly bemused look. Levi, however, looked away, something dark and incomprehensible brewing behind his eyes.
"You are weirdly fixated on having kids, Smith," Horace intoned. "Is this your way of telling us that you knocked your girlfriend up?"
"No! God, no! This has nothing to do with Thomasin!" A chorus of scoffs filled the room. He scowled at them, wrenching the bottle away from Mike; it seemed the constant flow of wine and everyone else's' mouths dulled the scent of his secretions enough for the other blonde to find it tolerable. Erwin lifted it to his mouth, but did not drink, his arms feeling heavy suddenly, and not from the hum of alcohol pumping through his veins. "…death has been on my mind a lot as of late… I don't think it that odd that my thoughts would eventually come full circle and leave me pondering marriage and children. Is birth not the flip side of death?" The others remained silent, a multitude of expressions on their faces, no two thinking the same thing. Cecile opened her mouth, though it took a moment for the words to come.
"…did you get possessed by Frey's ghost? What's this philosophical bullshit, Erwin?"
"I can be philosophical entirely on my own merits, thank you."
"Well, don't be," Hange whined. "It's depressing. You're bumming everyone out."
"That's your problem. If I have to be 'bummed out' on my birthday, so do all of you."
"Well, you know what that means…" Mike clambered to his feet, stumbling slightly not because he was intoxicated, but judging by the way he dragged his foot over to Erwin's desk, because his legs had fallen asleep. The section commander frowned as Mike opened one of the drawers and pulled out a bottle of whiskey, the dark brown liquid sloshing within the clear glass as he held it up triumphantly. "Time for round three!"
"Where did that come from!? I didn't put that there!" The taller man scoffed.
" 'course you didn't. I did."
"When?" Mike shrugged with an unintelligible noise that was probably "I dunno".
"Those weeks after the last expedition kind of blurred together. I probably thought this was my desk and tried stashing this away for later. I realized it had to be here when I couldn't find it the other day." Cecile, Horace and Hange all cheered, but Erwin's brows furrowed in consternation.
He'd assumed Mike's nightly drinking had ceased once he stopped coming here, that he was past trying to drown his grief. There was no point in stashing away alcohol- it wasn't as if officers weren't allowed to drink, so long as they did so responsibly and didn't start the day hungover- unless one didn't want anyone knowing they were drinking it. Which might have explained those expensive bottles stashed high, high up but far away from the commander's quarters. Erwin bit his tongue; now wasn't the time to bring up such a thing, not with so many people present.
Perhaps in an attempt to bury the hatchet with his new subordinate, Mike offered Levi the first drink, before anyone else put their lips on it. To his credit, Levi seemed to consider it for a moment, before reaffirming that he didn't drink. That was probably why, by the time the wine was empty and there was less than a quarter of whiskey left, the short man was the only one not sprawled out, muttering unintelligibly as the lure of sleep pulled him deeper into its realm. Unlike his fellow Scouts, Erwin fought against its call, half crawling over Horace to try and climb onto the couch. He may as well have been trying to scale Wall Sina and ultimately gave up, resting his back against the cushions beside Levi's legs.
"…you always celebrate by drinking yourself into a stupor?"
"No… usually, missions stop us from getting too drunk… But there's no missions now…" He leaned his head back, staring up at the ceiling without actually seeing it. "Still death around every corner, though…" His eyelids were growing heavier, and he probably would have fallen asleep then and there had Levi not spoken.
"If you're that put off by dying, you shouldn't drink so much. You'll drink yourself to death and be too fucking blitzed to even realize what's happening." Erwin snorted, the laughter bubbling up from inside him before he could even think to stop it, a full body chortle that had his stomach and lungs hurting. The legs beside him drew back, which only made him laugh harder. "The fuck are you laughing at, you freak?"
"She said the exact same thing…"
"Who, the gimp?"
"She went on this whole rant about how alcohol is poison, and ended it with, like… 'people are so stupid- they poison themselves because they're scared of death' and I'm thinking, 'I'm not stupid, I wanna live', and then I had three beers and a fifth of gin for dinner."
"…are you dying, Blondie? Is that why you're so talkative?"
Erwin turned to face the voice, and the whole room tilted so violently, he knew he was going to fall. He grabbed the closest anchor, which happened to be Levi's pants. The shorter man made a noise in his throat like a cat about to start a fight.
"What the fuck are you doing; don't touch me!"
"You're just like her- no wonder she likes you…" He blinked, but couldn't open his eyes again, sinking deeper into the mire of sleep with every second. The couch cushions were right there, but Erwin laid his head against the warm knees he was clinging to. "I know you're lonely, but don't be… Don't worry; I'm not going anywhere, Thomasin…"
By the time the weak morning sun rose high enough to crest his desk and illuminate the office floor, rousing him, Levi was gone. The bottles had been neatly set on the desk itself, though, and the still sleeping soldiers had been neatly lined up so no one risked drunkenly kicking anyone in the head or other delicate areas. Closing his eyes back, Erwin pulled his shirt over his face and rolled away from Hange, who was snoring with their mouth wide open. He vaguely remembered being closer to the couch, but mostly everything after that second mouthful of whiskey had been redacted from his memory.
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A/N- A chapter with no action whatsoever. A rarity. As much as I love Levi and try to keep him a straight man, I can't help but feel that I write him as somewhat OOC (but I mean, everyone is going to be a little OOC considering the fact that I didn't make a lot of these characters). Hopefully, we can chalk that up to him still having that Underground mindset. Also, can I say that I'm so very upset that we've never seen our short king canonically suplex someone? I want to see him engage in some hand-to-hand combat so bad (y'know, other than playing DDR on Eren's face). I know this doesn't matter in the slightest, but I do write this fic with the english VA's in mind. I just have an easier, more enjoyable time hearing J. Michael Tatum saying these lines in my head (not to mention I'm a simpette for Matt Mercer's voice). And if anyone cares, I imagine Thomasin would be voiced by Dani Chambers- her portrayal of Chise in The Ancient Magus' Bride is almost exactly the way Thomasin sounds in my head.