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Ch.17- "Anywhere"
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The sky seemed to grow darker with every step he took, the air thick with the promise of rain, but still dry as of yet. Thunder rolled over the plains of Wall Maria, and he held the still-warm bag a little closer to his chest, just in case. Turning the corner, a crack in the distance followed by another rumble drew his attention just enough for the voice above him to startle him.
"There he is!" His gaze was drawn back to the terraced house, rather, the woman standing on the balcony of the third story. "Looks like you just beat the rain. Come up." Erwin frowned as Thomasin leaned heavier against the railing, her head arched back to better watch lightning dance across the black clouds looming over the wall.
Every other month, those steps creaked louder and louder the moment he put weight on them. He wasn't even willing to hold the banister- he had a feeling it was holding on with a prayer and the slightest nudge would send it, and the whole building, collapsing in on itself. How Thomasin put her whole weight against those woodworm-infested planks without a care in the world escaped him, but heights never did bother her. Taking his place beside her, he leaned out as much as he could without touching the railing, following her gaze.
"Well, damn; there go my plans…"
"It's early in the year for weather this bad. I hope it doesn't flood." He couldn't blame her. Heavy rains filled the streets of Shiganshina with ankle-deep water that took days soak into the ground, and when the river rose, the ferries would make an even bigger mess of things.
"Look at the bright side," he told her, "maybe we'll get all the storms out of the way early this year, and it'll be calm come summer proper."
"We can hope, but I doubt it…" A jagged white line struck down somewhere beyond the wall, the thunder reaching them several long seconds later. Thomasin finally seemed to grow bored watching the lightning creep closer, and turned to him instead, her gaze dropping from his eyes to the bag he held as a grin stretched her lips. "What'd you bring me?" Opening the bag, he held it out, and the young woman all but stuck her face inside, inhaling deeply and letting out a happy moan that shot straight through his heart all the way down to his loins.
"That smells new. What is it?" She asked as she reached into the paper sack, pulling out a rather sizable cake mottled gold and red. She split it in two, revealing diced strawberries spread throughout the crumb. She managed to fit a quarter in her mouth with a single bite, holding the other half up to Erwin's lips. He tried to take it from her, only to have her yank it away before immediately putting it back up. "Open up!"
"I don't need you to feed me…"
"Yes, you do. You just got off the ferry; who knows what you've been touching." Well, she wasn't wrong… Hesitantly, he opened his mouth, only to be met with a demand of "Wider!" He rolled his eyes.
"I swear, you and Hange learned to eat from Titans…" But he complied nonetheless. She didn't cram the cake down his gullet like he half assumed she might, actually allowing him to bite off a reasonable amount without choking. His lips brushed against her fingers, and she pulled away quickly, dropping crumbs down his collar.
"Ah! Keep your mouth away from my fingers!" Untucking his shirt to shake the crumbs out, he glowered at her as best he could through a mouthful of cake.
"You stuck your fingers in my mouth!"
"Slander! I don't trust you not to bite clean through bone, Smith. I've seen you eat- you're a ravenous beast." Finally swallowing, he groaned, taking a step back to lean against her door.
"You're not wrong… I'm so hungry and tired all the time…" Thomasin turned to face him, half sitting on the railing and paying the obvious horror in his face no mind.
"Well, what do you expect, working yourself so hard? The less you sleep, the hungrier you'll be, and I know you don't sleep during normal hours. Your body's probably eating itself at this point." Finally, thankfully stepping away from the deathtrap balcony, she approached him, holding the rest of the cake to his lips. Erwin dimly wondered if this was what his horse felt like when he offered him carrots, deciding in the end no; a steed's heart probably didn't wrench painfully in its chest when his bothersome human came bearing treats. Dark brown eyes narrowed, and he suddenly felt self-conscious about his chewing.
"...what?"
"...are you alright, Erwin? You look… troubled." He nodded mutely, and Thomasin's lips twisted in doubt. "No, you're not… Is it something about the Survey Corps?" He shook his head. "Levi?" Another shake. "Humanity?" Thinking for a moment, the blonde man shrugged. There were definitely aspects of humanity that were plaguing him… "Is that why you haven't cut your hair in… probably six months?"
"What?" He covered his mouth too late, after flecks of half-chewed cake already left his lips. His other hand went to the back of his head, rubbing over his undercut… or at least, where his undercut would have been. The short, dark blonde hair had grown out long enough for him to run his fingers through.
"I guess when you're not actively engaging in vertical maneuvering, you don't notice how long it is…" He swallowed finally.
"Why didn't anyone tell me?"
"Maybe they thought you were trying to grow your hair out on purpose. Doesn't Mike have long hair? I can see you wanting to look more like your hero."
"Well, I suppose I know the first thing I need to take care of once I get back to Trost…" Thomasin lifted what remained of her cake to her lips, thought better of it, and dropped it back into the bag, offering him the rest of his half instead.
"…if you don't want to make the trip just yet, I… could give you a trim?" Erwin froze mid bite, pulling the cake from his teeth and paying her indignant look little mind.
"You?"
"Yeah? I have scissors."
"Do you even know how to cut hair?" She scoffed.
"What, are you worried I'm going to ruin your elegant coif? I cut my hair." Bright blue eyes narrowed as he took in the dark curls, tied so as to be gathered around her shoulders. If anything, it looked bigger now than it did the last time he saw her, a great puffy mass rivaling the dark clouds rolling over Wall Maria.
"When?" She slapped his arm with the paper sack.
"Oh, fuck you, Smith; I trim my hair every few months. You just don't notice because it grows out, not down. Also, I'll have you know that, when I worked in the tavern I lived over, I used to make money on the side cutting some of the regulars' hair." Her features shifted, less huffy, more grim. "I'd like to say they did it to save money, but I think they just felt sorry for me and wanted to throw a few extra coins my way…"
The lingering sweetness in Erwin's mouth turned to ash. It was hard to think of Thomasin as a barmaid; he always thought of serving girls like Marie, in her flashy uniform that showed just enough skin to coax the stingier patrons into tipping, and her quick laugh and ebullient personality. But Marie had been seventeen when she'd started serving tables; that had been Thomasin's life before she even joined the military, probably soon after her mother died. He didn't know how old she'd been, but even the thought of a morose, quiet, fourteen year old girl having to endure drunk old men's bawdy jokes and inappropriate advances just to survive made him sick. Her gloomy spell passed, quick as a sun shower, and she grinned at him.
"Well, whatever the reason, I have experience. So, whadaya say, Smith? Want me to tidy you up?"
"I don't want to impose-"
"The fuck you don't. You love imposing. Admit it; you enjoy taking up all my time." Her tone was jovial, but he still wanted to shrink under her accusation, serious or not.
She was right; he did like her spending her time on him. He liked being the focus of her attention, and he only wished he had more time to spend with her. For months, he'd been unable to shake the idea of another man in her life, someone that was always there for her, who made her the center of his world just as he became the center of hers. Once, he'd made the mistake of imagining some mystery man with his arms around her waist as she cooked him dinner, someone with dark hair and steely eyes, and the completely fabricated scenario infuriated him so much that he snapped the pen he was holding clean in half, spilling ink all over his desk and clothes. Shameful. For now, he pushed down that jealousy, and the shame that came with it, his voice as calm and collected as his face.
"Alright. As long as you're offering. Just know that I will be tipping based on your results." Her grin turned wicked as she led him into her home.
"I'm gonna give you a massive bald spot on the back of your head; how much are you going to tip then?"
"I will force feed you all the hair you cut off if you do that." She laughed, shoving him into the nearest chair and pulling an apron discolored with ancient stains from the back of the other, draping it over his shoulders like a cloak.
He watched her drift around the room, grabbing this and that, her crutch so much an extension of herself at this point that she barely seemed to notice it. Hell, he barely noticed it, only when his gaze was drawn to her fluttering hemline and he only noticed the dark wooden peg peeking out. He thought about what she'd said years ago, about nicer false limbs being crafted within the Interior. She deserved something nicer… He would happily pay for a Mitran craftsmen to make her a replacement, an upgrade… Would that be too forward, though, too familiar? Would she think it an insult-? A dull clatter as something metallic bopped him on the head.
"You want it the same as usual, right?"
"Yes, please."
"Ooh, so polite. Someone definitely doesn't want a bald spot." Setting a rather large pair of clothing shears and a comb on the table, she pressed something wet and cold against the back of his head. He sucked in a sharp breath despite himself as an icy trickle ran down his neck, soaking into his collar. Grabbing her implements, she tilted his head forward, backcombing some of the now wet strands. Drawing a section between her fingers, he stiffened as he felt the blades press against his scalp, closing his eyes against the shudder building up in him as the scrape of metal on metal rang loud in his ears.
"Does it bother you?" Thomasin's voice was muffled; he supposed she was holding the comb between her teeth.
"No," Erwin said, "It's just cold."
"You're braver than me." She'd found a rhythm, a tug, a 'snip', and damp blonde strands falling down his back. "The first time I used a pair of scissors after I left the Corps, I ended up throwing them across the room. A huge mistake, 'cause I bent the cheap-ass things, but I couldn't help it. It sounded too much like the ODM blades, and that reminded me of the Titans, and I…" She sighed, brushing the back of his neck, every rough swipe of her palm sending shivers down his spine. Turning his head, she began backcombing again.
"I mean, I was cutting bandages for my leg, so I guess it makes sense, but I'd probably lose my mind if I had to endure blades of any kind coming anywhere near the back of my neck. You boys have nerves of steel. Hold your ear." He pulled the cartilage down, protecting it with his curled fingers but still having to fight the urge to flinch as the steel brushed against his knuckles.
"I think it's just a human instinct to be wary around dangerous objects, Thomasin." He swallowed, licking his lips which suddenly felt too dry. "Truth be told, it does bother me. I'm sure some might call me cowardly, but I've been cut by ODM blades and if I never feel a blade against my skin again, it'll be too soon." With a final 'snip' along his sideburn, she brushed the side of his face off, and he focused on the clumps of hair catching in the folds of the apron rather than the heat in his face.
"Well, you're hiding it incredibly well. I can usually tell when things are bothering you." Maybe she could, but it was clear she couldn't discern what those "things" were. As she set to working on the right side of his head, he imagined her fingers brushing against the scar running across his jugular. He hadn't so much as flinched when Levi had nearly taken his head off. Maybe he was just prepared to die outside the walls, and inside the safety of this cage, the fear of pain, of his own mortality, came back.
"Thomasin?"
"Yeah?" Her voice was muffled again. His tongue felt heavy, swollen with all the words his fear told him to say. What was it Frey had told him, Knowing how easily you can be knocked off this mortal coil…?
"Would you… be my emergency contact for the Survey Corps?" Somewhere beyond the grave, Frey was shaking his head in deep disappointment, right along with the rest of his long-dead friends, and he willed them all to see the rude gesture he was spiritually directing at them in response. Thomasin paused, lowering her scissors slowly, the rounded outer blade brushing against his knuckles, his neck, the thick line standing out white against his already pale skin.
"What… what does that mean?"
"It means you'll be contacted if anything happens to me."
" 'Happens'… You mean… I have to… if you…"
I have to deal with your body if you die…
"No!" Erwin turned in his seat, not knowing or caring if she was done with his hair. She looked like an abstract depiction of justice, standing there behind him, a wooden comb in place of scales, gleaming iron scissors serving as a sword, her expression at first glace that almost serene apathy they usually depicted the Wall Goddesses with. Except for those eyes, staring through him. Piercing. Weighing. "You don't have to worry about that. I meant… if I get injured again. You won't have to wait on me or one of my squad mates to write to you, and…" His voice dropped, not quite a whisper, but close. "You could come visit me at base. If you'd want to." She was far away, judging by the look in her eyes, but slowly, she came back. Big brown eyes blinked, and her lips twisted as she rested the fist closed around her scissors on her hip.
" 'Come visit you'. So that's what this is about…" Erwin's blood ran cold. No, he did not let some deeply repressed, sexual innuendo slip into his heartfelt request; there was no fucking way. She could not read that much into it… unless he was just that obvious? Everyone saw it, everyone knew, she wasn't stupid, she-
"Ow!" She slapped the top of his head with the broadside of the comb.
"You just want me to bring you food to base!" 'Oh, I get it,' a voice in his head that sounded remarkably like Gerwalt intoned, 'She's an idiot…!' He beat that voice back to the depths where it belonged, his shoulders slumping in relief.
"I mean, if I'm bedridden and you feel sufficiently sorry enough for me to bring me actual sustenance, I wouldn't say 'no'." Thomasin grabbed his jaw, the edge of the comb poking into his cheek, as she bent down to better look him in the eye.
"Don't think I don't see through you, Erwin Smith; I'm not setting foot in Trost unless you're on your deathbed." It was a joke. He was supposed to sulk and bemoan her cruelty; that was how it worked, but he couldn't bring himself to.
There was an intensity in her eyes that made him believe she really did see through him, the way she used to when they were younger. Through his eyes and into his mind, all the way down, down into the core of who he was as a person. And with all her misty-eyed laments all but begging him to stop running towards his inevitable death, he couldn't help but feel she wasn't exactly pleased with what she saw.
She still joked. Smiled. But there was always something in the way she looked at him. Levi, fucking Levi, was once again poking at his mind, Who's stupid enough to constantly be reminded of something they hate…? She looked through him and saw death, the same death Mike smelled, something so deep inside him it was hidden from everyone else. As if reading his grim thoughts, Thomasin smiled, warm and sweet, releasing his jaw and straightening.
"I'm honored you'd think so highly of me." Being allowed on base wasn't an honor.
"You don't have to say 'yes'." Despite his assurance, if she were standing by the outer gate of Shiganshina when they brought him back wrapped in a white shroud, someone- probably Mike, maybe even the Commander- would approach her with a bloody cloak and ask if she wanted wanted his body or if she'd prefer they burn him with his fallen comrades.
"Why me?" She asked quietly, tilting his head once more to finish trimming, the blades scraping against his skull. 'I trust you. I love you…'
"You're the closest thing to family I have…" The scraping stopped. It was as honest as he could be with the disquiet brewing in his chest. From the corner of his eye, he saw a glint on the table, and the next thing he knew, her arms were wrapped around his shoulders, paying no mind to the wispy blonde hairs she was sending flying everywhere. Erwin tried to look back at her, but Thomasin rested her cheek atop his head, the warm weight stilling him instantly. This position was familiar, her arms around him, hands clutching his shirt… and yet, it was so different, so new, he could barely breathe.
"You're my family too, Erwin," she whispered, her voice thick. "I don't have anyone else. You can't die."
"I won't."
"I can't bury you."
"You won't have to." It was amazing that he could lie with such conviction, he even believed himself. The hot tears blurring his eyes were proof of how convincing he could be.
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With their first expedition in almost a year little less than a month away, the Scouts would have been well-served ensuring their vertical maneuvering skills were as polished as possible. And some of them were absolutely responsible enough to put the one skill standing between them and a grizzly death above all else. Alas, many more were too invested in the once-in-a-lifetime brawl playing out in the Trost headquarters' back courtyard. Well, to call it a "brawl" was doing it a disservice, in more ways than one. It was training, obviously, but it was also a display of such raw strength that it was more apt to call it struggle for dominance between two gods.
It was said that, once he hit his growth spurt in the Training Corps, the only person who could face Mike in a fair fight was their instructor in the Western branch, Commandant Stark, a brick wall of a man who stood almost a foot shorter than his cadet, but was built of solid muscle twice as wide. The other cadets had refused to go up against someone so much bigger than them unarmed, and as he grappled with Levi, it was easy to see why. The man who had killed an Abnormal on his first mission- without any formal training, no less!- was lifted into the air like a rag doll and brought down with such force that the assembled onlookers collectively winced and groaned aloud.
Of course, it wasn't as though the fight were one-sided, far from it. Mike's infamous nose was gushing blood, not from a fist or elbow, but from Levi's foot. Erwin knew full well that the short man could leap like a mountain cat, but the horrified, awe-stricken gasps of the other Scouts drove home just what physical feats the former thug was capable of. One could call his style of fighting "brawling"- punches and kicks that made up for their lack of proper form with their sheer viciousness. More than once, Erwin had to remind the dark-haired man to pull his punches; he was sparring with his captain, not beating the piss out of someone who owed him money. It was clear, from the way he scowled each time, that he wished he was, but even holding back, it was obvious Mike's torso was going to be a collage of tiny, fist-shaped bruises in a few hours.
Levi was more than a foot shorter than his captain, and used that to his advantage, ducking under the long arms and huge fists that would make mincemeat of anyone a few inches taller, and aiming his own blows where they couldn't be easily guarded against. Which was why Mike quickly gave up on traditional fisticuffs and decided to even the playing field… or perhaps not, given how cruelly unfair it looked for a small Titan to be putting all one hundred or so kilos of his body weight into pulling the arm off of a scraggly teenager. For as agile and strong as he was on his feet, laying in the dust with Mike's inordinately long legs pinning him down, Levi wasn't faring better than anyone else would have.
"Tap out," the captain ordered. He wasn't even leaning back that far with Levi's wrist caught against his chest, but already, his arm was straining. The shorter man ground his teeth together, pain indistinguishable from fury.
"Fuck you!" Mike leaned back further.
"Tap out! Tap out before I break your arm!"
"Do it, then…!" The excitement that had consumed the crowd was fast becoming apprehension. There was still bad blood between the men, and Levi's refusal to follow orders, even with his own well being on the line, was setting a grim baseline for what they could expect on the next mission. Mike tugged a little harder, and for the span of a heartbeat, the pain on Levi's face overtook the anger. Erwin's feet carried him forward, out of the crowd.
"Levi, tap out!" If he hadn't been glaring directly at the man, he would have missed the flash in his slate eyes, like a jolt of lightning. Grinding his teeth, the shorter soldier slapped his hand on the ground. Once. Twice. Mike released him at once, and both men visibly slumped, exhausted and in more agony than either was willing to show. Letting out the breath he didn't realize he'd been holding, the section commander turned to the crowd. "Alright, show's over. I know you all have better things to do, and if not, I will gladly find something to occupy your time." A chorus of groans and "boo"s rose up, but they were mostly halfhearted and it was clear that, with their entertainment for the day done, no one was in a mood to be chewed out by a ranking officer. When he was sure no one else was in earshot, Erwin rounded on the pair of men still breathing hard on the stone.
"What is wrong with the two of you? Are you children, unable to let your petty squabble go? Mike, I expect better of you. Our expedition's in three weeks; what would we do if you'd dislocated Levi's arm?"
"He should have tapped out-"
"-He wouldn't dislocate shit-"
"Quiet. Surely there are other ways to instill discipline in a subordinate?"
"That's just it; there's not." The taller man clambered to his feet, visibly wincing and clutching his right side with one hand, the other pulling the neck of his already stained shirt up to wipe away most of the blood congealing in his mustache. "This is not a soldier, Erwin; lectures and punishments don't work on him. The only thing he responds to is brute strength."
"Oh, that's what you call those pussy-ass little punches? Commander Crazy-Eyes' headbutt hurt more than your tickling." With his captain's legs no longer pinning him down, Levi got to his feet, rolling his strained shoulder with a wince of his own, though it was far less pronounced than Mike's had been. "I heard some idiots calling you 'Humanity's Strongest Soldier'- if you're the best we've got, it's no wonder-"
"Levi! That is enough!" The shorter man did not continue talking over him as Erwin expected him to- Levi shut his mouth so quickly, it seemed to shock even him. "Do you still not understand what we expect of you? This isn't some proverbial dick measuring contest; you need to be able to follow whatever order you superior officer gives you!" Thin lips twisted in disgust.
"And if I'm ordered to eat shit?"
"Then you ask 'how much?'" The blonde man sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. And to think, the day had started so well… "Levi. We aren't trying to trick you. You are one of us now, our brother-in-arms. If you are told to do something, it is for your own good. And if it isn't, it's for the good of the Survey Corps, for the good of humanity. You need to put your trust in us if you expect us to put our trust in you." Levi scoffed, looking away.
"I don't expect anything from anybody." It was not his words, but something about his dour mood in that moment reminded Erwin horribly of Thomasin, how she used to be when she was Levi's height. Back in the Training Corps, she always sat in the furthest corner of the mess hall, her back to the rest of them. Even when they'd been talking for over a year, she never sat with him and his friends- never invited herself beside him, never even asked to join. He never invited her either, never sat with her when there were other people to speak to. He imagined she had a very similar mentality back then- I don't expect anything from anybody… especially not you… When he spoke again, his voice was softer.
"You don't trust me, Levi? I trust you. I thought I made that clear." The shorter man did not spit out another rude reply. He scoffed under his breath, shifting his weight from one foot to another in a way that would have looked awkward on anyone else. "I know things here are very different from the life you're used to. But please try, Levi. You don't have to like us, but please try to trust us." Still scowling hard enough to crack a mirror, Levi bowed his head.
"Can I go now, sir?" That "sir" wasn't laced with nearly as much venom as it could have been, and Erwin allowed himself a small, if not tired smile.
"You're dismissed."
Of course, the shorter man began grumbling under his breath the second he started walking away, and it seemed that all of those curses were aimed directly at Erwin. Well, at least he wasn't plotting to kill his captain… out loud. That was a start. Once Levi had rounded the corner, undoubtedly heading for the showers, Mike broke his silence.
"The fuck was that?" The younger man heaved a sigh that seemed to come from his entire body.
"Look, I'm sure you've exhausted all your options- and I'm not saying there's no validity to beating the shit out of him once or twice, but-"
"No no no, that's not what I'm talking about. You were right the first time- I had no right being that rough… 'course, that little shit probably ruptured both my kidneys… but that's not important. What was that?" Cerulean eyes blinked, utterly bemused.
"…you're going to have to come up with a better description than 'that'…"
"You didn't notice it?"
"Notice what?! Use your words!" He was beginning to lose his patience, which of course prompted Mike to decide he had used enough words for the day. He shook his head slightly, his scrunched brow and nose signaling that he was deep in thought and their conversation- if it could be called that- was over for now. Erwin rolled his eyes, heading towards the stables; patience and sanity were both things he had in a finite supply, and he could not risk running out of either so early in the week.
~o0o~
With his horse groomed and fed, and the supply lists for his section checked and double checked, Erwin assumed his mind would be clear when he sat down for lunch with the rest of his squad. He was mistaken. It wasn't even Hange rambling a hundred words a second, ecstatic that they were "apprenticing" under the Survey Corps' medics to gain a better understanding of human physiology which they were positive could be put to use against the Titans. His mind was such a disjointed, shambling mess that even their legitimately good ideas weren't getting through to him. It took physical contact, Cecile grabbing the back of his head and giving him a firm shake, to pull him from his thoughts. Whatever she was going to say was lost as she frowned, running her fingers up through the short blonde locks.
"You cut your hair."
"Yes. Thank you, by the way, for telling me how long it was getting."
"We wanted to see how long it would grow before you noticed," Horace told him with a sly smirk. "I am twenty Marias richer, thanks to you."
"It wasn't even that long," Hange groused, their stakes in this hair-betting pool not playing out favorably. Cecile squinted, smoothing down what she'd mussed.
"It's still longer than usual." He'd noticed that, too.
He was used to his hair being cut as short in the back as it was in the front, but when he'd returned to base after Thomasin's impromptu trim (with her agreement to fill out the contact forms as soon as he sent them), he'd looked in the mirror to see that, while she had removed all the hair that had been brushing against his neck, she'd left the paler blonde locks on top long enough to cover his undercut almost completely. If the barber who worked with most of the Survey Corps had done such a thing, he would have accused him of doing a shoddy job and demanded he finish what he started, but Thomasin had spent so long combing and smoothing his hair after putting down the scissors that it had to be intentional.
The way she's smiled at him when she was done, too, the kind of smile that made her eyes crinkle at the corners… Well, don't we look handsome? You're just gonna go around breaking all the girls' hearts… Damn, I forgot how good I am at cutting hair...The way she said it made him believe she was being sincere, and if she thought he looked better with longer hair, Erwin was happy to oblige. …he'd do anything if she would smile at him like that more…
"Cecile…" He could barely hear himself over the dozens of other voices in the hall, and no one was even speaking that loudly. "Horace, Hange… I was wondering if you could give me some advice…" Hange choked on the chunk of carrot they were apparently hoping their throat could crush in lieu of teeth, like a snake.
"Did I hear that right? Section Commandant Erwin wants our advice? Us lowly peasants?"
"Holy fuck, it's gonna snow…" Horace muttered, earning a frown from the blonde man.
"You're acting as though I never take anything you say into consideration. Any time there's a formation change, the first thing I do is-"
"Yeah, yeah…" Cecile waved her hand flippantly. "You consult us on stupid shit. Any time we give you advice on something important, you either ignore us, or do what we said in the most half-assed way possible. I swear to god, you are a walking contradiction, Erwin."
Sometimes when you talk, it's like another person is speaking through your mouth…
"Maybe that's because your advice on 'important' matters usually comes unsolicited. This time, I'm actually asking what you think."
"Awmigod, stop scaring him off!" Hange furiously waved off their squad mates. "I gotta know what kind of problem is too much for Erwin's giant brain to handle on its own!"
"It isn't a problem, per se; it's just a situation I would like an outside opinion on."
"Well!? Fukken spill!" He sighed, inhaling deeply.
"For the past several months, I've…" He trailed off, having made the mistake of looking up, only to see Mike approaching their table, his nose no longer bleeding but still swollen and the same ugly purple as the shiner blooming around his eye, two trays stacked atop one arm while his other hand was leading Levi by the collar like a very petulant toddler. The others followed his gaze, just in time to see the taller man seat Levi on the bench beside Hange, setting both trays down and taking a place on the other side of the table, practically pushing Erwin and Cecile off their bench. He did all this with such nonchalance that Erwin had to take a moment and ask himself if all this was really that strange, or if he was the crazy one. No, not this time. "Excuse me? What is this?"
"An experiment." Mike had already begun eating, reaching across two bowls to steal a bite of his former subordinate's roll. "I gotta see something. Just pretend I'm not here." At the word "experiment", Hange's eyes lit up like fireworks.
"What kind of experiment? Is it involving Levi? Is it about why he's so strong?"
"Hey!" Horace slapped the back of their head. "No more experiment talk at the table. We're supposed to be helping Smith, remember?" They gasped.
"Oh shit, you're right. Sorry, Erwin; you were saying?" The man in question just shook his head.
"On second thought, forget it. This is a sign." Levi's already thin eyes narrowed.
"A sign of what?" Of course he would misconstrue that as a personal attack.
"Nothing that involves you."
"No, don't be like that," Cecile chided. "You wanted our advice, tell us what's wrong. What could possibly be so embarrassing that you don't want Mike and Tiny to hear it?"
"Is this about your crippling romance novel addiction?"
"Wait, his what?" Icy blue eyes shot a hateful glare at the man beside him.
"Aren't we supposed to be pretending you aren't here? Shut up." He turned his attention back to his squad mates. "I'll tell you later."
"No, you won't…" There was an almost despondent note in Hange's voice. "You don't actually want our advice on anything that isn't related to the Survey Corps. Even then, you only come to us after you've already decided everything on your own. You never tell us anything. Why even lie?" A morose silence fell over the table, stretching on and on awkwardly, until Erwin finally inhaled.
"I want to court Thomasin. I was wondering if you all have any ideas for… dates." With the widened eyes and slack jaws directed his way, one would think he'd just confessed his desire to be an erotic dancer.
"…you're finally gonna ask her to marry you…!?"
"?! I am absolutely certain that I didn't mention the word 'marry' once!"
"You want to set a date!"
"Stop purposefully misunderstanding my intentions."
"Well, what the fuck else is your endgame?" Five heads turned in tandem towards Levi, who was apparently so bored with the conversation he had taken to separating his stew's ingredient into sections. He glanced up from his riveting work long enough to meet Erwin's gaze. "Four-Eyes here says 'courtships' are something you surface dwellers do because you live long enough to pussyfoot around the idea of shacking up and spitting out brats instead of just doing it. You don't have that luxury; you're probably gonna die soon anyway, so why waste time?" The blonde man practically sputtered on his indignation.
"Because it doesn't work like that…!" Horace frowned, shaking his head.
"Nah, I'm with Short Stack on this one. You've already wasted years running away from your own feelings, Smith; you don't need to waste any more time with this 'courting' nonsense. Just propose."
"It's too soon."
"It's literally been years, Erwin."
"Yes. For me. Not for her!" He couldn't keep his voice from raising. How did they not understand? "Just because I have feelings for her doesn't mean they're reciprocated. …I know she feels affection for me. You could even call it 'love'. Love for a friend… love for a brother… but how am I to assume there's anything deeper than that when she's given me no indication of such a thing?" Well, that certainly shut them up, but he felt no satisfaction when it came at the cost of laying out his insecurities so plainly for everyone to see… even himself.
"Erwin…" Mike's deep voice rumbled beside him. "It's been twelve years. If she hasn't found anything in you worth falling in love with already, twelve more months isn't going to make a difference. You've already done the whole courtship thing; you write each other letters, you give each other gifts, you go on dates; what the hell else is there to do?" They didn't understand- they refused to understand that those things were all done without any kind of romantic intention. That wasn't a "courtship"- it was the only thing tethering him to any semblance of normalcy.
"C'mon," Hange crooned, "Just buy a ring, go over there, and tell her everything we've discussed. All of it, don't leave anything out. What do you have to lose?" Erwin stared down at a knot in the table, a dark, ragged swirl. His thoughts felt much the same way.
"…everything. I mentioned to you all that I was in a relationship before, didn't I?"
"I think you said something in passing, yeah," Cecile acquiesced.
"I was engaged. During my final year in the Training Corps, to a woman who worked in a tavern nearby. Marie… I did everything you're telling me to do now. I was completely open with my feelings; as soon as I knew I was in love, I told her, I proposed to her, and she said yes… and I haven't seen or spoken to her in eleven years." He felt his lips curl into something resembling a smile, but there was no joy in it. "We broke it off. It wasn't her fault- we wanted different things. She married my friend Nile- they have a child together. And I'm happy for them- for her especially because she deserves to have the life she wanted, and because, for as much as I loved her… it wasn't a fraction of what I feel for Thomasin." He looked up, meeting the awkward, pitying gazes staring back at him defiantly.
"Do you understand now? If Thomasin realizes I've been pining after her like a miserable freak for all these years and 'breaks it off' with me, that will destroy me. ...even if she doesn't feel the same way, if I take things slow enough, she might still remain in my life. That's all I want… that's enough for me…" Hange stood up suddenly, stumbling a bit as they stepped over the trestle bench. Erwin followed their path around the table until they stood behind him, bending and wrapping their arms around him in as tight a hug as they could manage.
"Hange, what-?"
"I'm sorry you had your heart broken. I am, I really, really am." He could hear the waver in their voice. "But… you shouldn't settle for 'enough'; you should want to be happy! You should want all your dreams to come true, and fight tooth and nail until they do! Besides, those are completely different circumstances. You knew this girl, Marie, for what? Two or three years, tops? Do you really think Thomasin would throw away everything you two have shared just because your feelings are stronger than hers?"
"It's always a possibility…" Mike laid a heavy hand atop his head.
"No, it's not. People aren't so fickle. Someone who freaks out because they don't hear from you for a few months isn't someone you can get rid of that easily."
"Look, I get that you don't like being vulnerable, Erwin," Cecile said as she rested her chin on her palms, her gaze sympathetic, "but can you really claim you love someone if you aren't even willing to open up to them? Shouldn't you love the girl you wanna 'court' at least as much as you love us?" He dropped his gaze, his fingers curling into fists on his lap.
"…what if she says no…?" His voice was frustratingly small. Levi lowered his cup but continued holding it, by the lip rather than the handle.
"Then I guess you can just lurk in the shadows and kill any guys she shows interest in." If the horrified looks the other Scouts were giving him bothered him any, the shorter man didn't let it show.
"…Shortstack's a little confused, but his heart's in the right place," Horace concluded finally.
"Is it really, though?" Mike grumbled under his breath, giving Hange a look of displeasure as they decided to squeeze beside him, nearly pushing him off the already overcrowded bench. Pointedly ignoring him, they turned their attention fully to Erwin.
"I think what Levi's trying to say is, if she says no, then you move on with your life. Tragedies happen, and we overcome them." They took hold of his hand, gripping it tightly in both of theirs. "But it's just as likely that you'll go over there and drop down to one knee, and Thomasin will reveal that she's been dreaming of the same thing for years and already has your wedding planned out! You gotta take that risk, Erwin; nothing ventured, nothing gained." They were right- they were all right, and yet, this was a wager he was still reluctant to gamble on. Horace took note of his reticence and leaned across the table, his face stern.
"Look, Smith; either you're gonna propose to your girl, or the five of us are going to do it for you, and I assure you, we are not going to be delicate about it."
"Five?" Levi's lip twisted into a sneer. "You'd better not be including me in your shitty little scheme." Cecile grinned at him.
"Oh, come on, Tiny; don't tell me you don't relish the idea of publicly embarrassing Erwin. I can already hear a marriage proposal coming out of that filthy mouth of yours…" She lowered her voice in a poor estimation of Levi's deadpan tone. " 'Oi, Gimpy- Section Commander Eyebrows wants you to have his shitty brats'." Horace laughed aloud.
"Holy shit, that's actually perfect. Levi, I will pay you twenty Maria coins if you tell Thomasin exactly that."
"No!" Erwin snatched his hand out of Hange's grasp, scowling at Levi. "You stay the hell away from her." Dark gray eyes met his unwaveringly.
"…thirty Marias."
"Deal!"
"No!"
"Yes!" Cecile shot back. "We're gonna do it, Erwin. We are sick and tired of watching you pine. Either you propose, or we're gonna get Levi to do it for you."
"I don't want to propose; I just want to ask her on a date…" Clearly, threats weren't working, so he tried reasoning with them. Alas, Titans would be more understanding.
"Yeah, and what do you ultimately want that date to lead to…?" Hange giggled lowly, their voice dropping to a whisper. "Marriage. Marriage. Marriage…!"
"Marriage!"
"Marriage!"
By that time, the rest of the table, sans Levi, had joined in, not only chanting as their voices grew louder, but going so far as to pound on the table in time with their chanting. Soldiers from the other tables openly stared at source of the ruckus, but clearly the only one who felt any shame for causing such a disturbance was Erwin. The only thing keeping him from hiding under the table was his pride, although even that was quickly being eroded away by the onslaught of peer pressure.
"God damn you all…" he seethed. "Fine. Fine! I will… ask Thomasin…"
"…if she will marry you…" Hange prompted, earning a glacial glare.
"If she reciprocates my feelings. And if she does…" He looked away. "…then I'll ask her to marry me-" A deafening cheer rose up, prompting Levi to cover his ears as he winced. "And if she doesn't," Erwin continued, "I will murder every single one of you. I will personally ensure your few remaining moments on this earth are spent in torment the likes of which the human mind cannot fathom." Mike gave his back a hearty slap, driving him forward enough for the table to dig uncomfortably into his stomach.
"I like those odds. Now pick a date that we can hold you to."
"I will approach her when I feel the time is right." No longer covering his ears, Levi had crossed his arms over his chest.
"I'll tell her the day after we get back from the next expedition. If you're worried about sparing the gimp's feelings, you can head over any time between now and then."
"Why are you doing this? You have no stake in this," Erwin whispered harshly, earning a bored shrug.
"Why not? I won't make you do anything you don't want to, Section Commander. The choice is yours." As far as revenge went, this was tame. Downright lighthearted. And yet, his nostrils still flared at the gall of this man. Even if his squad mates and friends realized they were going too far and relented, he had no doubt Levi would make good on his threat, for no reason other than to lord the smallest bit of control over him.
"I'll tell her the day we get back," he said, voice stiff. Hange frowned slightly.
"You sure you wanna take that risk, Erwin?"
"Yes. If I die beyond the walls, you are all free to say what you please. You can decide which one of you gets to bring her a scoop of my ashes when Levi tells her I wanted her to 'have my shitty brats'." Cecile recoiled from him as far as the corner of the bench would allow.
"You are pure evil!"
"Literally the devil."
"How can you say that?!"
"I suggest you all drop this topic. You wouldn't want me to be distracted on the mission, now would you?" Clearly frustrated, though not enough to call his bluff, Hange disentangled themselves from the blonde men they were sandwiched between, sulking back to the other side of the table and dropping down between Levi and Horace. With a bit more space to maneuver, Mike leaned over to whisper in his friend's ear.
"You'd better not die out there, Smith…"
"I'm not planning on it…" Erwin's voice was quiet, but firm and sincere. No, he couldn't die beyond the walls when he still had business to take care of within them.
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The sun had barely begun cresting the top of Wall Maria as the gate leading out of Shiganshina opened, the dew glistening on the surface of the wall not yet evaporated. They would be able to reach the forest before midday and avoid the most intense heat of noon. This expedition would take a week, one of the longest in the Survey Corps' history. There had been very few people who stopped along the main street to watch them depart, Thomasin not amongst them. It wasn't a surprise- she had told Erwin in her last letter that she wouldn't be able to see him off or return, as Mr. Reed was going to Mitras for several days around that time, and she would have to open and close the shop on her own.
It was probably for the best; Hange and Cecile had been scanning the few faces turned up to look at them so desperately that they almost missed the commander's call to move out. He could imagine the pile-up they'd cause if they were truly distracted, and the last thing they needed was a mishap before they even left the walls. Passing through the gate, the Scouts covered their eyes; the sun had risen over the true horizon, painting the plain before them in a pale golden light. It was a simple mission; they were only going to be looking for more ruins to use as bases. They weren't even expecting many casualties. It was hardly the kind of thing that demanded much attention, so although he kept an ever-vigilante eye out for Titans before they fell into formation, Erwin allowed his subconscious thoughts to turn back within the walls.
Horace had eventually taken pity on him and approached him separately from the others about a week ago, giving him actual advice. A ring… Just give her a ring and let her decide what it means. If she felt nothing for him but a familial affection, she would see it as a friendly gift, and his pride would be spared. And if she saw it as something more, well… You gotta figure that out yourself, Smith. You're a smart man; I'm sure you can weasel a "yes" out of her… That was his mission- assist the commander with this survey, return to the walls, and buy a ring. Return to the walls and buy a ring. Return to the walls. Live long enough to return to the walls and go see Thomasin. Survive this expedition and buy a ring. He repeated those orders in his mind over and over again until it joined the beat of hooves and the rattling of blades as a comforting background noise.
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A/N- A short chapter, I know, but I actually like these calmer sections (they won't last). Erwin had really, really short hair when he was just starting in the military. Hikaru Suruga basically draws him with a reverse tonsure in No Regrets- like, that shit doesn't even reach his ears. That's the hair he's had all this time. From this chapter onward, his hair is now the length it is in the anime; still short, but long enough to be tucked behind the ears (I took so many screenshots of Erwin just to try and understand exactly how long his hair is. Hint- it changes a lot, just like Levi's height!). I like to think Thomasin got tired of his yee-yee ass haircut and took matters into her own hands.